Feed

It gets a little lonely on the road, so I decided I’d settle into a motel with a movie about love and devotion and happiness, so I picked Feed.

Feed (2005) is the heartwarming tale of the kind of love that blossoms on Craigslist and fetish websites, which in turn is investigated by every major law enforcement agency on the planet. Now, I’m all for doing whatever you want with your body, and putting whatever disgusting thing you want to into whatever disgusting orifice you feel like; I mean, I can do things with a length of garden hose and a can of easy cheese that’ll curl your toes, but when it gets into those strange murky areas where people will die or kill someone just to get their rocks off, it gets a little squicky.

The flick opens with a man in an advanced state of nekkid holding a plate full of burgers and fries over a bedridden obese woman wearing lipstick and little else, and touching himself in a manner that usually requires going to confession afterward. He forces her to say “Feed Me!” like a doughy Audrey II, then shoves the burger into her maw while waxing poetic, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

Then, the film breaks away to a home in Germany being subject to a raid by a cybercrime unit being led by Detective Jackson from…Australia… Not sure how the jurisdictional laws work out there; but he leads the charge and goes in to find the stove full of pots and pans, one of which contains a bit of male anatomy being sautéed. Cut to upstairs, and there’s two men in the bathroom, one snacking (literally) on the other. The bloody fellow starts screaming about how it’s his body and he wants to be eaten… Yikes.

Jackson goes home and has a violent love affair with his girlfriend, but is now haunted by the memories of the Germany raid and starts searching for his next case, which happens to be a website featuring the voluptuous lady Deidre that we met in the first scene. She’s a Gainer, and has just reached her goal of 600 pounds, and is worshipped. Her Feeder, Michael, who is also the admin of the website, keeps track of her vital signs, and we see that there are bets placed on the site for how long the various members think she will live. This is a problem for Jackson, who investigates the site further to see a memorial page to the last featured lady, Lucy, and videos of her with a tube and funnel in her mouth being force fed something that looks really gross, then dying.

He ends up travelling to America against the wishes of his superiors, and stalks the owner of the site. He finds the priest who runs the boy’s home where Michael lived for a while, and then we meet Abby, who conveniently knows a lot about Michael, and invites Jackson out for a Whopper.

From here the movie gets a little preachy; Michael places lots of emphasis on the “what is beauty?” argument and talk of outrageous standards in America of thinness and overall appearance, and showers his big beauties in devotion, love, marinara, whipped cream, and barbeque sauce. Jackson thinks its flat-out murder, and also thinks the whole thing is just nasty.  Jackson has his own demons, though; but Michael ends up drugging him with a doughnut while crowing his catchphrase, “Consumption is Evolution,” and for reasons I don’t understand injects his belly with…something. Jackson wakes up and does a Rambo job on himself, then it’s on like Simon Lebon.

Michael is one creepy sumbish, let me tell you. He’s the textbook pretty-boy psychopath; we get informed by flashback that his mother was bedbound, and he had to care for her in much the same way that he takes care of Deidre, so a whole crazy Norman Bates vibe gets added to the mix. We also discover that Michael is married to a very pretty skinny lady, so now it’s a question of, is he really REALLY into this, or is he just an unsub with unlimited income and multiple homes?

The wife says he’s doing God’s work, so now we have the fetish plus a thriving oedipal complex with a side of religious weirdness. Jackson kidnaps her and shows her what her husband is really up to, which throws her into a full-on speaking in tongues rapture type frenzy, and he kidnaps her and tracks the bad guy down.

While all this is going on, Deidre is being fed a weight gain mix of bulking agent, eggs, and the rendered blubbage of the previous occupant of her bed, Lucy. I had to stop a moment and collect myself, because that’s just nasty.

Jackson finally arrives for the ultimate showdown, and he and Michael chase each other around for a while, the whole time Deidre is wavering between having a massive coronary and screaming for Jackson not to hurt Michael, to get out and leave them alone. Jackson finds Lucy’s corpse in the living room, and Michael’s dad in the den, being starved to death. The fight travels back upstairs, and Michael forces Jackson to feed Deidre the Lucy chowder, which ends badly. Deidre continues to go nuts, which sparks a minor Michael freakout in which he reveals he killed his mom and cut the fat off of her body, but Deidre doesn’t care about that, even when Michael holds a pillow over her face and smothers her a little. Just a little, though, it’s alright, she still loves him!

The final showdown is full of yelling and more preaching from the book of Michael, until Jackson takes matters into his own hands and shoots…

Deidre!  HE SHOT DEIDRE! What the hell? Did M. Night Shyamalan have something to do with this? Holy crap that was NOT what I expected! The screen goes dark, and there are two more shots.

We come back to a sunny home, Jackson biddy-bops into the kitchen and there’s Abby! She’s making sandwiches! She’s also gained a bit of weight since the last we saw her. Jackson kisses her on the cheek and says he’s going out for a bit, and she hands him a bag of sandwiches and tells him not to be late for supper.

Jackson travels back to the farmhouse and into the room where the rotting corpse of Deidre still lays in bed. He opens the doors to the balcony and sets up a chair and table. He sits and takes a bite of his sandwich, then offers a bite to Michael, who is strapped to a wheelchair and has wasted away to skeletal thinness. Jackson makes him say the famous words, “Feed Me,” and the movie ends. The credits roll to a bizarrely peppy techno song about how we love life and should shake it up and cool down.

Feed definitely delivered, for most of the film I was disturbed and definitely grossed out. This is not one for the family for sure; there is full frontal nudity of both the guys and gals, and scenes of high intensity aardvarking.

5 beasts; every major character in this movie is despicable, and the German cannibal guy is scary as all getout.

1 gallon of blood, mostly in the German Cannibal scene.

Sautéed wangdoodles, exploitation-fu, sponge bath-fu, gratuitous self abuse, marinara-fu, barbeque sauce-fu, whipped cream-fu, cookie-fu, burger-fu, ill-fitting lingerie, 24 hour streaming webcam-fu, pay porno site-fu, bad internet detective-fu, hot raunchy aardvarking, breast-biting, doughnuts roll, bellies flop. 4 stars.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going for a jog and I’ll meet a man in a bar like the good lord intended.

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