Archive for the 'modern horror' Category

Apr

Comments Off on The Intruders

Welcome back to another review, folks! So. You know those movies you really want to be good, but just aren’t? The situation when you know the actors, their skills, even sometimes their histories, but the movie they’re in is just so….boring. This is where this movie lies. I only watched it, truthfully, beacause I recognized some of the names in the ‘Starring’ box. Ow. My nostalgia. Why am I going on about this? Well, let’s get started and find out.

This movie is starring an actor I’ve been aware of and following since they were a child star….Not…not in a creepy way, either. Ahem. Anyways, the arguable ‘main star’ of this movie is Miranda Cosgrove, playing every stereotype in every horror movie, ever. Yeah. It’s that bad. How bad? Well. Let’s see: Lost a parent? Check. Current parent thrown into their work to not cope? Check. Teenager left alone constantly? Check. Whining about being somewhere else incessantly? Check. Bland, predictable romance with what seems to be the only boy in all of the city? Check. Oh, the list goes on and on. I was going to turn this movie into a drinking game, like I have others in the past, but if I did that I’d be begging someone for a liver transplant. You can do the exact same checklist of tropes for every. Single. Character. In fact, I encourage you to make a checklist and go down it as the movie plays.

So the story goes as every other story has gone. The mother of the main character committed suicide, though this is tip-toed around until near the end, forcing the father to take their emotionally unstable daughter to Chicago for a change of pace. Enter ‘We gotta fix up this place’ scenario to introduce the one man crew of a restoring company character. But not before we meet the pouty, mopey, bland as water neighbors: a daughter and a father. The father played by Tom Sizemore, one of my favorite actors, is of course given a ‘I’m so creepy I could be a murderer’ vibe to try and push this already boring story forward. And by push it forward I mean add little, to nothing, to the plot. The daughter, however, is angsty and doesn’t really like the new neighbors, leaving the meeting with an ominous line. Or it would be ominous if you could understand it! The entire conversation I just told you about is done in such hushed tones and mumbles that I had to switch on the subtitles. And, for some reason, as Miranda Cosgrove’s character leaves the driveway scene of mumbling, she finds a necklace on the ground. If you just said that the necklace pertains to the house being haunted; go get yourself a cookie.

That’s right. We start to push the supernatural aspect at this point, shadows walking by open doors, crying in the night, all of which has the teenage daughter up in arms, but the father, despite us knowing he’s sleeping in the same house, doesn’t hear a thing. But, then again, if I were popping painkillers like this guy was, I’d probably be just as comatose. Things start to pop up, a doll’s head, a half eaten potato, a can of tuna, and, of course, more info about who used to live in the house before. I don’t get the potato thing, either, folks. Begin research montage! Typical, I know, I know. End with more supposed supernatural things happening, but not too frightening, cause in the midst of all this mystery and possible murder the main character finds time to sneak out and go to a pool party with her would-be boyfriend. Gotta keep those priorities in line, folks! So after that happens, don’t worry, there’s no underage shenanigans going on in this movie; the cold shouldered neighbor suddenly becomes the chatty Kathy.

After some very shaky exposition, and I do mean shaky, as to some young woman who was abused, ran away, was taken under wing by some creepy spinster and her son, who is equally creepy. The young woman suddenly disappears, as does the creepy son, and they all chalk it up to running away together. Although the neighbor, Tom Sizemore, does get indicted for kidnapping and such, but that’s just there to keep the story somewhat diverse. It fails. After a suicide scare scene between Miranda Cosgrove’s character and her father, which, truth be told, the best scene in the movie. Why? We actually get to see the two actors really belt out a scene, and in that scene, it’s actually well put together. I’ll give kudos where it’s due. Too bad the rest of the movie is lacking that genuine feel and actual chemistry between the two characters. It’s a single shimmer of good in a whole lot of bad, but it is a good scene. And let me tell you, you’ll need it to stomach the remainder of the movie. Right after this scene we go directly into the final scenes.

I won’t spoil anything, but it’s all so painfully obvious that you can’t watch it and say “Of course that would happen!” in a sarcastic tone. You will literally mean it. With bad pacing, an opening that promised horror, the rest of the movie that fails to do so, weak acting from good actors, and a script so generic bread looks exciting, this movie fails at being horror, suspense, or anything truly scary. Thanks for reading, folks! And, as always, Stay Tuned!

roadside attractions

  • Really? Just…Really
  • Everyone Saw That Coming
  • Old Cell Phone
  • Juice Nazi
  • New Cell Phone
  • Concerned About Taxi Rides
  • Not About Haunted Houses
totals

2

blood BLOOD

One Strangling. One Stabbing.

1

blood BREASTS

There’s a pool party. That’s it.

0

beast BEASTS

Creepy is as creepy does.

2 OVERALL
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Watch the trailer for “The Intruders”

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Mar

Comments Off on Bad Milo: A guest review by Sikkdays

Sikkdays is not a paid holiday where you skip work and watch a horror film. He is a child of 80s movies and syndicated cartoons that never grew up. Sikkdays is a video editor whose love of bad movies has most likely ruined his chance at a successful career. In fact, the U.S. has even declared him Persona non grata. From somewhere in the cold tundra of Canada he produces a bad movie podcast called Film Frown and if you’re looking for conversation find him on the twitter sphere @sikkdays.

A man has a monster up his ass that when released, kills people. It’s a story we can all relate to after burrito night. Wait, this is a feature length movie and not a Youtube sketch? Bad Milo is labeled a horror comedy. I suppose. It’s like calling a Gallagher routine a horror comedy simply because you can’t stand violence against fruit. The film is swimming with comedic actors and the occasional bloody scene but you never witness much violence.

Arguably the hero of the film is Milo, that’s who we are here to see. However, an ass demon has to live somewhere. Thus, the film follows the story of Duncan. You may recognize actor Ken Marino from his many TV appearances. All I know is that they picked the right guy because one of his IMDB soundtrack credits is for a song titled “Ass Butt Song.” Duncan is being pressured at home to start a family. This is compounded by his mother’s predictable desire for grandchildren. Meanwhile at work Duncan’s boss, played by Patrick Warburton (Puddy from Seinfeld), has put Duncan in charge of firing all the people at the firm who have been downsized. Also his office has been moved to a shared space with an annoying coworker. Wait! This is a horror comedy. The shared office is a former restroom.

Finally, his mother has invited a fertility specialist to dinner. All of this stress and anxiety has given Duncan terrible pains in his abdomen. Kumail Nanjiani playing his mother’s much younger beau, gives explicit sex advice at dinner which made the laughter demon in my abdomen very happy.

After a visit with his wonderfully awkward doctor played by Toby Huss, Duncan has more stress. This could be a serious medical issue after all. The funny doc isn’t around for long. During the procedure to remove the polyp that seems to be causing Duncan’s issues, he sees something else and is immediately eviscerated. Duncan wakes up on the couch. Was that a dream sequence? Certainly this would be the subject of many internet commenters, if it wasn’t overshadowed by the preposterous fact in this film that a horrible demon lives in a man’s anus.

As his pain becomes more severe, it’s time for an alternative approach. Duncan’s wife has made him an appointment with a hypnotist played by everyone’s favorite Swedish nihilist, Peter Stormare. It’s all too new age for the busy and stressed Duncan who leaves. At home, he receives a call from his new office roommate. There was computer issue and, well Duncan has lost all his important files. Doubling over in pain he heads to the bathroom, pulls down his pants, sits on the pot and moans uncomfortably before passing out. Back at the office, his office mate becomes many red stains on the tiled bathroom walls. The next morning Duncan finds out watching the morning news. After the dream, or not dream of the doctor’s gruesome death and his annoying office mate’s murder perhaps talking to someone is a good idea. Duncan returns to the hypnotist, naturally.

Peter Stormare puts Duncan under and decides to ask him about all the things in his life giving him stress. Don’t make Mr. Banner angry You wouldn’t like him when he gets angry. That is, unless you like the Hulk. Same goes for Duncan, except substitute stress for anger. While hypnotized, he falls over and the hypnotist witnesses Milo exit from Duncan’s posterior. Thankfully, this film is using practical FX and the audience doesn’t have to suffer through a CGI, hairless Gizmo emerging from the Mariana Trench below Duncan’s Dockers. Stormare is attacked before Milo leaps out the window. Milo then goes after the fertility doctor with a punishment befitting the crime. Did I say the movie wasn’t much in horror? I may have lied. This scene is graphic.

Luckily, Stormare has a book on demons so I assume they look up “derriere?” Here we learn some lore about this creature. Milo cannot be destroyed because he’s part of Duncan and that would be like giving himself a lobotomy. Therefore, when Milo returns it’s time to reason with the murdering polyp and convince him to “come home.” Duncan gets on his hands and knees and tries to convince the little guy with a comforting voice. At least Elliot was smart enough to use Reese’s Pieces with E.T.

From here it’s about trying to control stress and Milo. Of course, to do that we need sock puppets and a reunion with an estranged father played by Stephen Root. Though, no amount of hippie love, boss payback and gerbiling will sate Milo’s lust for murder. Duncan must race to save his wife and her unborn baby from himself. Well, a piece of himself that specifically comes from his ass.

The ridiculous world the filmmakers have created is decently entertaining. As a viewer, we’re even treated to some Muppet Mortal Kombat. I would recommend this film to anyone who wants a good laugh. I can’t see why you wouldn’t enjoy it. Unless you have a stick up your butt.

roadside attractions

  • Back door action
  • cubies are worse than roomies
  • The parrot thinks he knows everything
  • PSM (poor stress management
  • electrified wire loop
  • Gerbiling is not just for Richard Gere
  • Penectomy is not just for John Bobbitt
  • Mom’s sex dungeon
  • Fart jokes
  • Just the tip Tuesdays
totals

5

blood

BLOOD

The few times the red stuff is on the screen, there’s lots of it. Gore is pretty low, but guys wear a cup.

2

blood

BREASTS

You get Milo moobs. You’ll have to watch Choke if you want to partake in Gillian Jacobs’ assets.

5

beast

BEASTS

Like spooky children in horror movies, Milo gets ugly fast. From cuddly Gizmo to fed after midnight Spike.

4.7 OVERALL
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Watch the trailer to Bad Milo

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Jan

posted by deadman | January 18, 2015 | B-movie Reviews, B-movies, modern horror, Reviews by Deadman

Comments Off on Mecha Shark Vs Mega Shark

Hello, again, folks! Let’s get into yet another installment of the Megaladon series that has plagued the airways for years. You know, cause there’s fans just hammering SyFy inboxes for another. Let’s see if we got all the proper ingredients for a movie that makes as much sense as going into the woods. TV stars searching for a paycheck? Yup. Props left over from the previous twelve SyFy movies? Can’t miss them. CGI that makes Jurassic Park look photorealistic? Oh yeah. Now we can begin.

So this little romp takes place, according to the movie, several places all over the world. Truth be told it’s just Google maps zoomed in on with some text over laid. I’m fairly certain you can see the watermark during at least one scene. Well, now that global warming has began melting the ice caps another Megaladon escapes it’s icy prison! Okay who let Al Gore pen this? And on top of that; how many of these sharks are frozen in these places? Did they have a shark convention in the arctic circle and were caught off guard by a sudden freeze?

Well after said 200 foot shark is released we’re greeted by an Angel and Stargate alumni to come and combat the situation with their version of a cliché voice activated semi-intelligent electronic butler and, you guessed it, a Mecha shark. Another 200 foot monstrosity made of materials that couldn’t possibly hold up to a normal shark’s bite, but is supposed to be strong enough to take on the great grandaddy of Bruce from Jaws. Science, folks!

After determining that this does, indeed, take place in both San Francisco AND Australia, by hiring actors who can sorta fake the accents, we get to the problem and how to solve it. Yes, even after everything has already been set up, they still feel the need to explain more. Shark attacks, ho! We have to make it the villain, don’t we?

After the same fleet that was in Bermuda Tentacles attempts to take on the Megaladon with no avail they deploy the Mecha shark, which also happens to contain the same cockpit as the one in the aforementioned movie. No, really, do a side by side comparison for a good laugh. Now if all that wasn’t silly enough for you get ready for the combat portion of the movie! They fire torpedoes, the shark dodges, wash, rinse, repeat. I want to know how a creature from thousands of years ago knows how, and why, to dodge underwater missiles.

More Google mapping and zooming! The villain in the movie apparently has apparently been causing all sorts of trouble, including an oil spill that is fixed by the Mecha ramming the pipe closed. That’s an actual scene, folks. Phone calls from a lady, who’s role or why she’s so important to the story is never explained, guide our team to figure out that the Megaladon is actually a bull trying to mate. A point which is hammered home with PG vulgarity that is almost comical to hear.

I wonder if the actor read these lines prior to filming or if he was just surprised with the script the morning of shooting? But that’s not the biggest of their issues, no! It seems we have a problem with the Mechashark malfunctioning and seeing everyone as a potential threat. And here I thought the three laws of robotics were keeping us safe.

Yes, it seems our Stargate alumni has managed to beach the malfunctioning machine in the heart of San Francisco. How does an artificial intelligence deal with that? Easily! It grows tank tracks covered in spikes! It proceeds to terrify a very empty city and a few extras who don’t seem to take their role seriously at all, and it all ends up in it chasing a small girl. You know, cause bad guy. But don’t worry, our ex-Angel star dives into the machine to divert it and lead it back to the sea. Another phone call from mysterious shark lady gives the military the idea to pit the Mecha and the Megaladon against one another. Because it worked so well the last time. Let’s head into the final scenes, folks.

I won’t write any spoilers, but the finally of this movie is just as silly as the rest of it. The directing is as funny as the rest of it, with low swooping shots, slow motion shots and attempts at dramatic angles that it’s easy to see that the person took their job seriously. The actors deliver their lines like they never rehearsed or did a read through, except maybe the morning of shooting while crying in their coffee. And the special effects and gore range from spilled ketchup to attempted dramatic deaths, one in particular which I didn’t understand, at all.

Don’t fret, folks, as long as Netflix still needs things to show, as long as critics need something to groan and yell at, as long as there is cheap CGI, SyFy will be there. Thanks for reading, folks. And, as always, stay tuned!

roadside attractions

  • Roaring Shark
  • Best Bluetooths Ever
  • Electronic Butler 2.0
  • No, Really, Why Did He Die?
  • Wrong Accent
  • Running Joke Attempt
totals

2

blood

BLOOD

3 – TV Friendly Fodder

2

blood

BREASTS

0 – I think maybe there was a bikini somewhere

9

beast

BEASTS

Recycling is good for the environment

4.3 OVERALL
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Watch the trailer for “Mecha Shark Vs Mega Shark”

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Jan

posted by deadman | January 6, 2015 | Action, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, modern horror, Reviews by Deadman, Sci-Fi

Comments Off on Ragnarok

Ragnarok
Don’t you love being pleasantly surprised when you go into a movie expecting to be in pain the entire time and end up with a good experience? Me too! Oh my dear B-movie makers, you never cease to surprise me. What I thought was going to be a CGI-laden, generic-screaming-girl, dude-with-bad-catchphrase-saves-the-day attempt at a would-be monster movie, turned into a cool romp into Norse legends and a decent creature flick.

Ragnarok is a foreign movie about an archaeologist who has been studying runes, boats, coins and shells all in an attempt to prove that a certain tribe of Vikings sailed to a certain point in geography. Cool idea, but the best evidence he has is a few shells stuck to a boat that sank. I don’t know if I’d cut funding at that point, but I’d definitely have some second thoughts when all I’m given shells. What’s that? Foreshadowing so heavy that the viewer is practically bludgeoned over the head with it is missing? Say no more! Runes and their meanings, ho! And while we’re at it, let’s verify the title. The end of the world might not be figurative, but a literal incident that the Vikings were trying to document and warn the rest of the world about. Duh. Funding pulled. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. Go directly to the next plot point.

rk_2Character development is now flying at us so fast that a snail on a salt trail could finish a 2K marathon first. Single dad? Check! Bratty spoiled teenager? Check! Enthusiastic young son? Check! Wait. We’re missing a trope. Oh. There it is! Best friend with the perfect piece of evidence to force the main character to do something stupid and endanger himself and his family? Checkity check! After chartering a boat with a guide and a survival expert to another part of the country, they begin their quest for the end of the world event. This whole time I’m asking where the money came from if his funding got pulled? And how did they put this all together in less than 24 hours? Seriously! I can barely go out to eat fast food without a three-day reservation! Also, if you’re going to go spelunking in dangerous caves in a part of the country you’ve never been and know nothing about, bring the kids! It’ll be fun!

After a short trek through generic woods number 4,612, our characters reach their destination: an island surrounded by a supposed ‘bottom-less lake’ where the event Ragnarok happened. With several camera shots that establish that there is indeed a monster looming in said lake, they set out to explore said island and find nothing! These guys are the worst archaeologists in history! Why do I say that? Because the young son finds the secret of the island, then the daughter finds remnants of previous inhabitants. Both of those finds aren’t that far from the camp they set up. Pulled funding now justified! After playing in the cave and finding some items, they’re robbed at gunpoint by the guide. Raise your hand if you saw that coming, folks. Yeah, me too. But wait, this is supposed to be a monster movie. Where’s the monster? Well, we get a rrreeeeaaaaallllllyyyy far away shot of the monster attacking said guide trying to get away. Now, back to that salt trail.

rk_3If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s not to go in the woods. The second thing they’ve taught me is never touch things that look like eggs! Seriously. Ask Sigourney Weaver what I’m talking about. Of course, the young boy takes one of the monster’s eggs that conveniently hatches shortly after and now we have the reason for the monster to chase everyone. Here’s where the movie gets kind of good.

We’re given glimpses of the monster, dramatic camera angles and bubbling water which all keep the thing off the screen, but the threat real. I happen to enjoy this method of using the threat of a monster. It builds a fear that the unknown is still out there and hunting the characters. It keeps the monster hidden for most of the movie, helping create a suspense most popularized by Jaws. By the time we see the monster, we’re more impressed and this movie follows that old formula very, very well. Kudos to the writer and director for successfully pulling this off.

rk_4It was established earlier on that Soviets inhabited the island and a lot of their stuff is still lying around, giving us our next set piece: an underground bunker. With the monster now revealed as a giant dinosaur snake… thing… we have several chase scenes, close calls and the final scenes of the movie. No spoilers, folks. But I will say, this little gem is worth a watch. With decent pacing, an easy-to-follow plot and an impressive use of a monster, I’d happily recommend this to anyone looking for old school formulas used with modern technology. Thanks for reading, folks. Stay tuned!

roadside attractions

  • Everyone likes fries.
  • Don’t touch that.
  • How many times can you say ‘Duh’?
  • Bad tantrum timing.
  • Never yell.
  • That’s why you never yell.
totals

2

blood

BLOOD

A lot of tension, but almost no gore.

2

blood

BREASTS

None exposed, yet the ones there are ruggedly sexy.

9

beast

BEASTS

THAT is an original design.

4.3 OVERALL
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Watch the trailer forTucker and Dale Vs. Evil

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Dec

Comments Off on Bermuda Tentacles

Bermuda Tentacles
One of the reasons I love horror movies is that you can pretty much turn any scenario into a horror one. Bought a creepy doll at a second hand store? Boom. Haunted murder doll. Fixed up a car from a salvage yard? Boom. Haunted murder car. Got that house cheap on the market? Boom. Haunted murder house. You know, I’m starting to see a trend there. So let’s go a little more extreme, shall we? Flying the President of the United States to a summit meeting in who-cares-ville? Throw in the Bermuda Triangle, tentacles, and Linda Hamilton and you got yourself a genuine SyFy flick!

Oh you read that right, folks, the Bermuda Triangle, tentacles, and Linda Hamilton. So our scenario goes by the numbers; President’s plane goes down, some rouge-ish type soldiers are called in to rescue him and tentacles attack. But wait! There’s more! Let’s add a submarine that pilots like an airplane for some reason, plus a boneyard of planes and ships and all the bad CGI you can handle. There you have it, your very own terrible movie. No easy payment plan needed.

bt_2So after our opening scene and the entire setup, which is honestly so badly scripted I wonder if the writers were every sober, we get to meet our cast. Enter soldiers one through six and Linda Hamilton. Seriously. You’re not going to remember their names. I tried! But all I could think was, “Wow. I don’t care about a single one of you.” Linda Hamilton’s character gives us the short and also badly scripted set of orders to rescue the president. But oh, no! Translucent tentacles reach up from the depths of what looks like San Francisco Bay to terrorize the ships that have come to aid!

What’s truly entertaining about this nondescript monster is how it changes it’s mode of attack from full on impalement to dragging folks around by their ankles. But what’s even more entertaining than watching that is watching the soldiers aboard the ships try to fight it. I know folks work on a budget and all, but maybe you could demonstrate what it looks like to fire a real weapon. The actors and extras stand there shaking their obvious airsoft guns like they’re trying to get a stubborn picture off an etch-a-sketch! Not to mention the entire crew is on a battle carrier with cannons and they all stand on the side of the boat with guns. Logic!

Well now that we’ve heard about these “Sea worms” from a marine biologist. Cause, you know, every naval fleet has at least one or two of those in their emergency kit. We finally get to watch the cast do their best impressions of the original Star Trek show by fumbling around a small set whilst piloting some top secret submarine to go and fetch the leader of the free world, who conveniently is in a life support pod that has been sucked to some impossible number of feet below the surface. Why the President’s pod can traverse these depths with no issue while a billion dollar submersible has more trouble than Jean Claude Van Damme faking a country accent is a question I’d like answered.

bt_3After a sequence that lasts way too long we finally get to the set piece that ate up most of the budget: the inside of some underwater cavern littered with remnants of sunken ships and planes. Funny how that place looks just like the airplane graveyard that the Mythbusters used to go to acquire parts. While soldiers 1-6 try to find the fallen President we go back to the surface for more exposition, Linda Hamilton, who apparently ran from the Terminator so hard she wound up in a SyFy flick, gets news that the “sea worms” are attached to a bigger creature and are actually just tentacles. Raise your hand if you saw that one coming. Yeah. Thought so.

Back underwater, we get more surprises that don’t surprise. More tentacle attacks! More gun shaking! Oh, hey, they found the President. But what’s this? It’s not an underwater cave after all? Well what could it be? You guessed it folks: Aliens! Which for some reason has laid dormant this entire time trying to repair itself and has just finished those pesky malfunctions right as the soldiers are trying to rescue the Chief of Staff. Don’t that beat all? Quick! Back to the bad CGI sub and into another overly extended sequence. While I am not an expert in marine terminology, I’m fairly certain most of the dialogue that takes place during this sequence was either made up or taken from Airplane.

bt_4Back to the surface to do battle with the fully repaired alien ship! Trust me folks, if you’ve made it this far into the movie you’re a trooper and deserve to laugh at the final scene of this flick. No spoilers here! Oh SyFy, you brilliantly bad movie factory, you. I’m never disappointed when I need to watch bad CGI, horrible scripted scenes and actors or actresses that are in dire need of a paycheck. This movie is another gem that is ripe for a drinking game or a sequel. Either way, I’ll be watching for both. Thanks for reading! And as always, stay tuned.

roadside attractions

  • Shells. No shells. Shells.
  • Leftover props from Megashark.
  • Leftover actors from Megashark.
  • Leftover Submarine cockpit from Megashark.
  • Leftovers.
  • Extras that die twice.
totals

3

blood

BLOOD

CGI and bad effects make it almost comedic.

0

blood

BREASTS

It’s made for TV. Even cursing isn’t allowed.

4

beast

BEASTS

Recycled animations and unoriginal ideas.

2.3 OVERALL
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Watch the trailer forTucker and Dale Vs. Evil

trailers

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About the Highway

Lost Highway is your satirical detour down the twisted back roads of b-movies and cult films reviews. learn more >>