Archive for the 'modern horror' Category

Sep

Comments Off on Sonno Profondo (aka Deep Sleep)

Sonno Profondo
“You wish you’d never woken up.”

2013 – Not Rated – 67 Minutes – Brink Vision
Starring Luciano Onetti, Daiana Garcia, Silvia Duhalde – Directed by Luciano Onetti

There seems to be a small resurgence of the giallo films lately, which in my book is a good thing. In between the dozens of found footage and superhero movies, it’s always nice to see something a little different. This is where Sonno Profondo comes in. When I heard about this flick and saw the trailer, I was pretty excited. I needed to get my hands on this movie and let me tell you… it was quite the experience. It wasn’t what I expected or at the time may not have seemed to be what I wanted and I mean that in the best way possible. I won’t go too much into detail in this review, because any little detail could ruin the fun or surprise the film has to offer, so let me see if I can tell you enough to get you interested.

sp_2The sights and sounds are quite an experience right from the start. An almost rustic, hyper piano/jazz mix gets you on your toes, which is fitting for all the oversaturated colors, as we see from a killer’s point of view (and of course he is wearing black leather gloves), obsessing over some photos of a woman that he is readying to kill and we are shortly introduced to through a rather erotic masturbation scene. It wouldn’t be a giallo without some erotic sex appeal. At least she’s going out with a bang as she is brutally murdered. Shortly after her butchering, the killer receives an anonymous phone call… seems someone knows what he did and the person on the other line is threatening to kill them! A killer that is going to kill the killer… you don’t see that too often and it does offer a good cat and mouse chase later at a hospital once the killer in the black leather gloves receives some photos of his crime and a key to a locker at said hospital. What secrets does this locker hold or is it merely a decoy? We soon find out once another gloved killer, this time with vinyl medical gloves, appears and attempts to murder the… murderer.

After barely escaping, the black gloved killer mixes a mean cocktail of blood, whiskey and morphine pills as an attempt to commit suicide? Maybe? I dunno. Shortly, flashbacks play out, revealing the connections between the victim, the killer and the other killer and the childhood drama that plagues them. You’ll keep guessing to that rocking soundtrack until their is resolution.

sp_3Very, very rarely does the flick switch outside of one of the killer’s POV, nor are the killers seen without gloves on. I would say this is a parody, but it’s not played that way and it works in favor of the narrative. At first I thought it was silly, even laughed to myself that we never switched out of their POV or saw them without gloves, but as the movie went on, I couldn’t imagine it working without doing that. I can’t stress enough how important all the visuals are in the movie, between the lighting, the oversaturated colors and so on.

Normally, I’m not one for all the fake dirt and scratches film look that seems to present on every low budget film since Grindhouse came out in 2007, but it not only works here, it also feels like it’s absolutely necessary to the look of the film and the look is very important to a giallo. Everything here is presented in oversaturated, bright and vibrant colors, intentionally giving the film a larger, louder than life quality, almost a comic book like quality, as greens, yellows and reds pop right off the screen. Every element in the movie, colors, lighting, the score (by the way, one of the best soundtracks I’ve heard in a film), everything is important and absolutely crucial to the overall picture. If one of these things were done wrong, I don’t think the film would have worked. I feel like I am going in circles here, but Sonno Profondo is a true treat to see and hear. Everything mixes together so perfectly.

sp_4Of course, in true giallo form, there is some weird imagery and creepy dolls hanging about (that for some reason are full of blood). Come to think of it, the whole look of the film is very 70’s, from the furniture, the types of telephones they use, house decours, wallpaper and cars they drive. I’m no expert, but I would go out on a limb to say that this is about as authentic as it can get, which is impressive considering this is a low budget, indie film. Or maybe Italy still looks like the 1970’s.

However, this is the kind of film your average movie goer isn’t going to enjoy. I would normally say a short runtime that barely runs over an hour could hurt a film, but Sonno Profondo tells its story in this time and doesn’t overstay its welcome. There isn’t much in the way of a narrative and I could see how some would find that the majority of the film is from POV (like the recent remake of Maniac), it may turn off some. It’s not loaded with nudity or gore, but this film wasn’t made for them. Hell, it may not have even been made for giallo fans, but you can say for sure it was made for director Luciano Onetti himself and I think that’s what a filmmaker should set out to do: Make the film YOU would want to see.

Sonno Profondo isn’t a spoof or an homage to the giallo genre… it is a giallo film. Well, you could consider it an homage, but I would go one step further. It’s not just the look or the tone that make it a giallo film, it’s the story (or maybe a lack of) and how the whole thing is shrouded in a mystery that will leave you guessing literally until the last minute and when everything is tied up at the end and revealed and doing so without hardly any dialogue, there is a great feeling, genuine joy, from solving the mystery and excitement to see everything come full circle.

Sonno Profondo
Perhaps I’m leaving out a lot of plot or not saying enough, but believe me when I say that Sonno Profondo is something that you must see to experience. It will all make sense and you may enjoy this little throwback to the great Italian murder mysteries.

Check out this review and plenty others at Goon Reviews.

roadside attractions

  • Mom always said masturbation will kill ya.
  • Whose eyes are we looking through?
  • To kill a killer.
  • Morphine cocktail.
  • Raising kids can be hard.
totals

4

blood

BLOOD

Slashes, gashes and stabs spurting some thick, bright red blood.

4

blood

BREASTS

No nudity, but the film throws in some erotic sex appeal.

8

beast

BEASTS

Everyone in this film is a killer or a victim.

5.3 OVERALL
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Sep

Comments Off on Lucky Bastard

Lucky Bastard
“This will not end well.”

2014 – NC 17 – 94 Minutes – Revolver Entertainment
Starring Betsy Rue, Don McManus, Jay Paulson – Directed by Robert Nathan

Porn. That’s really all you need to say and you have anyone’s attention. I always found it strange that it’s the one thing we all watch, yet are ashamed to admit that we do… not that I watch it. People always seem to talk about how great it would be to work in porn and have sex all day, but let me tell you… you ever eat nothing but ice cream all day, then about halfway through the day, you think to yourself, “Man, I’ve eaten nothing but ice cream today. I’m kinda sick of it.” I imagine that’s what that line of work is like. At some point, getting it from behind must be tiring and you just want to go home and play some Super Nintendo. I guess that’s true with any job though.

But what if things get really out of hand? You know that point where things become too much to handle and the perks and pay don’t seem worth it anymore? And that’s putting it lightly. That’s kinda what Lucky Bastard is about. Things start off normal, get weird, you try to laugh it off, but then it comes back to bite you in the butt. Lucky Bastard explores the worst case scenario possible for adult film stars seeking out to do a service for one lucky fan. It does so through the ever increasing tiresome found footage genre, but to its credit its unique in the sense that nobody has done a found footage porn-esque horror film before, which is surprising, because most pornos play out like really really bad found footage movies.

lb_2Meet Ashley Saint played by Betsy Rue, who you may remember got fully nude for the remake of My Bloody Valentine. I remember it so much so, I have an autographed picture of that on my wall. Through the eyes of a camera (like the whole film, so I don’t know why I wrote that), two men who have lured a young woman, Casey, and are raping her, but stop their assault to welcome Ashley into their home to sign some papers (hey, even porn has to be legit) when she hears the cries of Casey in the back. Ashley snaps into action and stomps menacingly through the house, fending the captors off with verbal suggestion. Upon finding Casey and untying her, one of the men springs up and holds Ashley down and begins to rape her when she jokingly says… and I quote, “That’s my butthole!” Laughter erupts and the director, Mike, of this faux-rape movie steps out and introduces our star as everyone gets all chummy.

So, rape porn is a thing people enjoy?

To the movie’s credibility, you also get to see what it is like behind the scenes of a porno. Like driving a family sized SUV with Cheetos on the floor. Yeah, people tend to forget that even adult film stars have families… or feelings.

Anyway, Mike is actually quite understanding and seems to care about his actors, opposite of how you usually see porn producers portrayed in film. Mike also runs a website of the same name, Lucky Bastard. The title is makes sense, as fans submit videos of why they should get to be the lucky bastard to have sex with one of the adult film industry’s hottest ladies on film. The winner happens to be awkward and dweeby Dave, but something doesn’t seem quite right with him. He seems like a can short of a six pack, like he’s not playing with a full deck, like he’s lost his marbles.

lb_3What I’m trying to say is that Dave is crazy.

Right away, he begins giving Ashley the heebie jeebies as she tries to have a conversation with him, until he reveals too much detail about her personal life and she threatens to leave the production. Dave apologizes and the gig is back on, relocating to a home that has been fit with a dozen security cameras since it was once used in a reality TV show. Quite a convenient plot device; a house with multiple angles. Anyhow, it doesn’t take long for Dave to humiliate himself again and everyone in the cast and crew has a good laugh at him and his temper tantrum that follows. Well even if they didn’t get to shoot the horizontal mambo, they have some good bloopers to show. After all, part of intent of the site is to humiliate these “lucky” bastards. Demanding the tapes, Mike kicks him out and has one of his assistants drive him back into town… only they don’t make it. Dave smashes his head in with a rock and heads back to house with a bat, then gaining a firearm, and now everyone is going not going to be so lucky.

lb_4This one is a bit of a slow burn, taking it’s time to set up in the first act, getting down to business in the second and Dave finally kicks it into full sociopath mode in the last act. At times, the film feels like it’s dragging its feet, but quickly recovers from fumbling by some well done character development. Betsy Rue is quite good in this role, showing that she can be a fantastic lead. You really get the feeling that her character is burnt out from the adult film industry, but it pays well and she has a family to take care of. She mentions an abusive spouse in her past and she had to take control and you see as she relives those emotions through the movie. Don McManus who plays Mike also shows all the different layers he has, as at first you think he’s a good guy, then you see what a manipulative s.o.b. he is, so when he gets his comeuppance… and does he get it (I don’t want to ruin it for you, but it does involve something being inserted into his anus)… you still feel sorry for the torture the guy goes through. Even though I have to say, at times it’s hard to tell if he’s being manipulative or genuinely concerned for Ashley’s feelings. Well played, sir. Dave, on the other hand, I didn’t feel for. He was just weird and creepy throughout the film and not very menacing, even when he is going crazy. I don’t fault the actor, I just felt he was a weak character. I feel like a gust of wind could have knocked this guy the hell over and took his lunch money.

Being somewhat of a horror film, it manages to pull off some tension, but what it inevitably builds up to is a moment you know is going to happen, given away by the opening segment, which I’m beginning to notice is popular with these found footage movies. There isn’t much in the way of blood either, aside from some arterial spray, so if you’re looking look for a blood and guts spectacle, you are looking in the wrong place. However, if you are here for the T and A, then you have come to the right place. And that’s not just restricted to the ladies! In case you didn’t notice, this is an NC-17 film, so why it may not be real sex, it certainly pulls more thrusts (pun intended) and will fill your speaking with that familiar wet packing sound you’ve come to love.

Lucky Bastard
It’s understandably earned its rating and overall, Lucky Bastard is an enjoyable littler thriller. Although doing nothing new with the found footage genre, it doesn’t repeat all those tired jump scares and plot devices they love so much, not that you would be watching this to see if it reinvents the genre or something. So while the film may do a good job keeping your interest “peaked” when it’s being sexy, you may find that underperforms when it comes to the horror aspect. You see what I did there? Little sexual innuendos? I bet I’m the first person to make those kind of references when reviewing this film.

Check out this review and plenty others at Goon Reviews.

roadside attractions

  • Betsy Rue. Naked. That’s all you need.
  • Sex, Cheetos & Videotape.
  • Softball champ.
  • Sticking it where the sun don’t shine.
  • Premature humiliation.
totals

4

blood

BLOOD

Everything happens off screen or too quick, but the film doesn’t focus on gore.

9

blood

BREASTS

All actors and actresses are required to be naked when in the presence of this movie.

4

beast

BEASTS

Dave is the kind of guy who gets picked on by kids when he walks by schools.

5.6 OVERALL
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Aug

Comments Off on The Quiet Ones

The Queit Ones
2014 – PG 13 – 98 Minutes – Lionsgate
Starring Jared Harris, Sam Claflin, Olivia Cook – Directed by John Pogue

Much like the monsters they made films about, Hammer never truly died, although it did lay dormant for a long time. In 2008, they returned with Beyond on the Rave and hit it big with Let Me In in 2010 and The Woman in Black in 2012. This year, they released The Quiet Ones, a film inspired by true events. In a nutshell, the events in this film are based on The Philip Experiment in the 1970’s where a group of Canadian parapsychologists wanted to attempt an experiment to create a ghost, proving their theory that the human mind can produce spirits through expectation, imagination and visualization. Sounds interesting enough for a movie, but given that this is a Hammer production, loads of gothic atmosphere and sleaziness are thrown into the mix, making for a more fictional story than true. Lots of films do this, I’m not saying it’s bad thing, but does it mix well?

tqo_2When he isn’t chain smoking like it’s about to be outlawed, Dr. Coupland (Jared Harris channeling his character from Mr. Deeds) wants to prove that the supernatural doesn’t exist through tortuous and almost medieval experiments, so he recruits the shy, inspiring young filmmaker Brian to document this rather fascinating experiment. Brian is interested right away and along with two of Dr. Coupland’s other students, Krissi (Erin Richards) and Harry, they waste no time to begin their experiment on Jane Harper (Olivia Cook). Jane seems possessed at times and as with any other possession movie that has come out in the last few years, we know she is possessed because she is a pale white woman with stringy hair and wears a white gown. Seriously, why does every possession movie feature a stringy haired white girl in a white gown? Do demons have an obsession toward those or does Hollywood just seem to think that is scary?

Jane is kept in a room with loud music blasting to keep her awake, which Dr, Coupland hopes will piss her off for better results. Sure it seems mean, but it does get good results. And just like any movie about college kids and a teacher conducting a “most unorthodox” experiment, funding is pulled and they have to relocate to a remote run down country house where all the really weird things begin to happen. Janes takes this possession, or negative energy rather, and focuses it on who she calls Evey, which she is given a doll to transfer it to so that it may be destroyed. Sounds easy on paper, but as Jane is driven more insane by these tests, the results become more violent.

tqo_3Brian, increasingly developing feelings for Evey, becomes more upset and less likely to participate (not something you want under your name in the yearbook) as he even begins to develop somewhat of a relationship with Jane. However, this seemingly makes Evey more violent and vomit terrible looking CG tube monster things out of her mouth. When this happens, Dr. Coupland and gang look terrified, but if it were me I would have started laughing. Even after witnessing that silly manifestation, Dr. Coupland is still stubborn about the supernatural, not believing it to be a possession… even after a mysterious cult marking shows up on Jane’s body. So Brian heads off into town uncovering the truth behind the cult symbol and who Evey really is.

We also begin to see who Dr. Coupland really is. Well, he is still Dr. Coupland, but I am referring to his past and who the boy is in the video that he shows throughout the movie. We also learn of his motives and this is when the film starts to turn into a Hammer film… kind of. Jane, most likely because she is being driven mad, attempts to have sex with Brian and even flashes him while she is in the bathtub. The camera quickly cuts away from this, as if it is ashamed of its own content. Jane even begins to cut herself, but once the blood starts to ooze out, the cameras once again cut away. This all begs the question, then why have this at all? Is there a demand for safe, watered down horror films that I’m not aware of? Who watches these scenes and says, “Oh cool, there were almost boobs there!”

As the film begins to whimper out and we now know Jane’s history, Dr. Coupland begins to become more of a villain archetype, almost downright cartoonish. Tragic things begin to befall our cast and it’s up to Brian to stop it!

Surprisingly, The Quiet Ones is swimming with mood, nicely blending the free spirit look of the 70’s with the traditional rustic, gothic scenery that Hammer is notorious for. Unfortunately, that’s pretty much where their influence ends. The film does mix a nice blend of found footage and typical movie, as we watch the film as usual, then through the eyes of Brian or through the lens of his camera I should say. Although since this is the 70’s and he’s shooting on film, the snob in me can’t help but wonder how on Earth he is recording sound, since we never see any sound equipment recording it seperately and I’m pretty sure cameras, and film, back then couldn’t record sound.

tqo_4But enough nitpicking, let’s get down to brass tax.

Just when something suspenseful and scary is picking up speed and the tension is building, the film cuts abruptly to the next scene. Substituting loud noises for genuine scares, the film never reaches true levels of terror, though it continuously makes you think it will. Think of walking quietly down a hallway with a friend and then they bang as loud as they can on a wall. That’s the kind of scares you’re in for here.

Sure the movie has blood and violence, sure the movie has sex, but The Quiet Ones is afraid to show any of it. Instead it merely wants to hint at it, forgetting that it’s a horror film. This is one of those cases where the final product really could have benefited from an ‘R’ rating. At the end of the day, it was nothing more than watered down imagery and loud jump scares and although I didn’t hate it, it’s nothing I’m going to remember, which is such a shame since all of the actors bring in real solid performances. Jared Harris has made a profession of playing the scumbag type of character and really makes Dr. Coupland detestable, yet likable. Olivia Cook is sinister and sympathetic, Sam Claflin is the likable moral centered one and Erin Richards is gorgeous as a 70’s tramp.

You really can’t help but to think of where all this talent and this idea could have gone if it weren’t so by the books and watered down. I can’t tell you how tired I am of the PG-13 horror movie craze that producers seem to be wanting to shove down our throats. Instead of getting a truly shocking, frightening film, we get something safe for the kids just to sell tickets. And how do these films generally do? Terrible. So what’s the point of making it PG-13 if your ticket sales aren’t really improving? If you’re going to imply all this sex and violence, grows some gonads and make it shocking. Your audience will respect and appreciate you for it. Instead what we get is the most shining example of a film playing it safe in recent memory.

The Queit Ones
I have an idea for an experiment. Try to sit through a PG-13 horror film like The Quiet Ones and try to get scared by it.

Check out this review and plenty others at Goon Reviews.

roadside attractions

  • Hammer is too legit too quit.
  • Olivia Cook naked… almost!
  • Jared Harris, professional a-hole.
  • There is one scare with a car door.
  • Burning down the house.
  • CG poop snake monster thing. (?)
totals

5

blood

BLOOD

Nothing oozing or squirting, but we see the walls painted with it.

3

blood

BREASTS

Olivia Cook in a bathtub should be the most amazing thing, but…

7

beast

BEASTS

Olivia Cook plays one terrifying girl, you’d have to be crazy to date her!

5 OVERALL
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Jul

Comments Off on The Perfect House

The Perfect House
2012 – Not Rated – 84 Minutes – Wild Eye Releasing
Starring Felissa Rose, Johnathan Tiersten – Directed by Kris Hulbert and Randy Kent

Have you ever found yourself walking around your empty, quiet house and thought to yourself, “I wonder what kind of dark, horrible things have happened here?” Then as you notice some scratch marks on the floor from where you moved furniture you think, “Oh, I bet someone being murdered was dragged across the floor there.” The latter is the case for the home in The Perfect House. The film certainly has a lot of elements being mixed into it, but they are hard to pick up on. For instance, when you pop this sucker in, you probably wouldn’t know it’s an anthology, especially since the synopsis on the back mentions nothing about it. For the first fifteen minutes, you will find yourself confused until you realize what it is.

I would also like to point out (or nitpick) the tagline, “There’s Terror on Every Floor!” Yet the only floor we really explore is the basement. And this is a two story house, so that tagline would be better suited for a skyscraper.

Your typical family comprised of the bickering husband and wife (played by Sleepaway Camp allum Felissa Rose) who are condescending toward one another, their sultry, smartphone addicted daughter and their two sons who always seem to be fighting are headed over to their neighbors house for dinner. What’s on the menu? Dastardly deception and torture! At this point, it’s hard to say what would make a man go crazy and tie up the family next door. They do mention a few times that his neighbor borrowed his weedwhacker and never returned it, then we find out that the dolt threw it away, claiming it to be an old piece of junk. So if there ever was motivation…

tph_2It cuts to sometime later as a young couple is looking to buy the home, which is implied has been on the market for sometime. This is when the movie shifts tonial so hard and suddenly you’ll get whiplash, as an erotic real estate agent embodying every fictional aspect of the female sex symbol gives them a tour of the home. As the male of the couple drools over her so comically, I expect him to turn into a cartoon wolf as his tongue rolls on the floor and his eyes pop out of his head. This scene is filled with so much lame sexual-innuendo that even most porns would be embarrassed of. At one point, she asks the couple if they would like to check out the “upstairs,” as she unbuttons her shirt as they walk upstairs to the bedroom where she proceeds to lay on the bed and trace the curves of the body. The husband plays along with the dialogue, while his wife is condescending toward him. The real estate agent then suggests that they check out the “downstairs” (in more ways than one), but warns them the basement is somewhat of a deal breaker. I really hope there is no double meaning to that.

As the couple descends into the basement, we launch into our first segment which takes place sometime in the 60’s (I think), as a husband and wife head into the basement with their two kids seeking shelter from a storm. We quickly see how mean spirited and condescending the wife is toward her family. By now, you are probably noticing two things: That every character is condescending toward each other and that none of the characters have names. While this may work for a single story, it’s going to quickly grow tiresome over the course of this movie. Anyway, during this storm as the light flickers out the parents turn up mutilated, leaving the kids to discover who the murderer is, which is clearly given away during flashbacks of their lives, giving motive to the killer. Also, this is the only segment that has a different theme than the rest. Rather than opting for torture porn, it’s… I dunno, who-dun-it?

This is when you realize this is a messy anthology and that the real estate segments are the narrative part and the first segment we saw is the book ends. So on to the second segment, yeah?

tph_3This one is definitely the longest segment (and you will start to feel it drag after a little while) which is most likely due to another Sleepaway Camp veteran, Johnathan Tiersten filling in the role of the cliched philosophical serial killer. I’m assuming this segment takes place during the 90’s due to his Godsmack style look, which was a bad idea even then. This bleach-haired, soul-patched serial killer uses the basement for caging and torturing victims, keeping a girl alive for years so she can watch his “art.” He brings another victim into the basement that she taunts as he cries, telling him he’s going to die in a few days and she knows this because her scheduled rape is the day after. I’m assuming that was supposed to come off as shocking and funny, but it just makes whoever wrote this look insensitive and stupid. I also want to point out that even though the female character does get the male victim to stop screaming by telling him, “Do you think someone that would do something like this is gonna leave us in a place our screams can be heard?” Which is true, but isn’t this house located in the middle of a populated neighborhood? Anyway, this segment is filled with more anal rape jokes as the serial killer dribbles on about how he’s changing society, thinning out the herd, creating art… you’ve heard heard all of this bulls#@t before and it sounds just as trivial now as it did back then. I can’t tell if they were trying to write this character with some depth or just following a list of stereotype serial killers in movies. And as for the woman, I get that she has been trapped for some time and is starting to lose her mind, but it’s her performance that makes her utterly loathable. Sadly, you feel nothing for this character, which is a tremendous feat when the opposing character is a serial killer/rapist. As I said, this portion of the film drags as he tortures these two in the basement, making jokes and you can’t help but ask yourself, “what is so popular about torture porn?” Sometimes it can shocking and gross, but this comes off as offensively wasting your time and insulting. Although this does tend to come off gross at times, like when he peels off a victim’s eyelids and smashes out their teeth with a 2×4, you can’t help but feel like the overall tone is someone is talking down to you.

And finally, we resume what we started with the neighboring families. The psychotic man gone over the edge from a tossed away weedwhacker, has his neighbors tied up and the film ventures into rape territory again as he tells their daughter to make herself pretty, tossing makeup at her and the film recalls her coming home with various boys in the middle of the night, implying she’s a slut and that this is fitting for her? It definitely makes you feel dirty, but only because you can’t help but feel this logic is severely misguided. He then pits the two boys to stab one another in order to save their mother’s life, because they always fought for her attention. Again, severely misguided view. All children fight, especially for mom’s attention and especially when they are about five and ten years old. The mother then has her ankles slashed open and has to rescue the surviving child, who now has a plastic bag over his head, which at this point you have to wonder what the hell the screenwriter was thinking. None of this is about redemption. None of this is about revenge. None of this is about justice or what goes around comes around. It feels like an extreme ends justify the means and a very delusional, poor quality snuff film version of it at that.

tph_4And so the film comes to end as three months later, some guy tosses another guy who wanted to look at the house again into the basement, implying that the house has some sort of evil power? Hell, I have no idea. On a final note, I’d like to point at that this film is called A Devil’s Inside in Australia, no doubt trying to name it closely to the found-footage crap fest A Devil Inside. Which when you think about it is rather fitting for this film; A film that misunderstands and poorly represents the genre it’s mimicking naming itself closely to another film that misunderstands and poorly represents the genre it’s mimicking.

All because of a weedwhacker.

When is all said and done, I had a few problems with The Perfect House, the biggest being the filmmakers and writer decided that most of the film would be cliched, tiresome torture porn. As much as I hate that term to describe a movie, I don’t know what else to call it when you spend the majority of your time with a captor doing heinous things to his victims and even with such a simple and pointless sub-genre, it seems to be mishandled. I can’t help but wonder why they would choose this route when an anthology opens up your spectrum of storytelling, allowing you to tell different elements of horror without making your overall story arc seem confusing. All of this makes the end of the film seem mean spirited and doing mean spirited things just for the sake of it. Issues like child murder or rape are handled poorly, almost with disrespect it seems, all of which seems to muddle to tone of the flick. Am I suppose to laugh? Be shocked? Scared? Who knows… not even the filmmakers it seems. Also, they didn’t explore much with the house, since we are stuck in the basement most of the time, but I guess the title ‘The Perfect Basement’ doesn’t sound as good.

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That’s not to say that some of the performances are actually pretty solid, most of all by Felissa Rose. She really plays a victim here and brings it everything she has. It’s just too bad none of them have names. Seriously, do you know how hard it was to write this review calling every character “he” or “she”? It wouldn’t have been as difficult either if they all weren’t pretty much the same character being recycled. How many times can I write “husband and wife” while simultaneously be talking about several different people? Can you imagine trying to describe this movie to someone? It gets confusing! If you can come away from the film saying one positive thing, it’s that the practical effects are handled well and at times used effectively. Too bad the same can’t be said about the narrative.

The Perfect House
Now if you’ll excuse me, I better go return my neighbors tools before he ties me up and beats me with a garden hose.

Check out this review and plenty others at Goon Reviews.

roadside attractions

  • Most awkward dinner ever.
  • Real estate agent/porn star.
  • Children of the darned.
  • Torture basement.
  • Weedwhacker revenge!
  • What’s down in the basement?
totals

6

blood  

BLOOD

Fairly decent practicals almost shine through with decapitations, finger removals and other mutilations.

2

blood  

BREASTS

If you don’t mind em on a dead girl, then this is for you.

 

3

beast  

BEASTS

 

Just a bunch of torturous jerks!

3.6 OVERALL
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Jun

posted by deadman | June 19, 2014 | B-movie Reviews, B-movies, modern horror, Reviews by Deadman

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big ass spider

Welcome back to another review from me, the Deadman. Before I begin I want to thank all the elders of losthighway.com for picking me to be an official reviewer. And now that I’ve proudly served my time in the dungeon battling radioactive weasels with nipple tasers and spartan shields I’m ready to get to it!

This time I’ll be reviewing another monster movie. Oh, cable. How you love to put out things that we can sit back and make fun of. This movie is proudly known as “Big Ass Spider.” Before I start ripping into this marvel I’d like to take a second and actually acknowledge that I LIKE this movie! Yeah. I actually ENJOYED this little run into the B-flick. I’ll give you all a moment to retrieve your collective jaws from the floor. Okay. Here we go.

One of my biggest problems with the usual big monster fodder is simple: these movies take themselves seriously. As if a bigfoot movie starring Donnie Bonaduci will surprise everyone and win an academy award or be nominated for an oscar. Yeah. However. This movie does what it’s cousin “Sharknado” does and that’s not take itself seriously. At all. The cliches are played up. The humor is there. The director lets the actors have fun with the rolls and allows the movie to be exactly what it should be: a fun little romp.

You gotta love a movie where one of the roles credited is “Girl With The Rack”. Now this whole movie is about….you guessed it. A big ass spider. Escaped from a military base and hidden away on a corpse of some guy we’ll never care about. Now that we got our premise let’s get to the rest of the cast. Though the movie, itself, revolves around three main characters, it does give us a plethora of people to wish a spidery death upon. The protagonist is a self-employed exterminator named Alex Mathis, who in his first few minutes of film gets bit by a spider. Clever, writer, clever. Thus prompting him to end up in the same hospital as our escaped killer arachnid. Convenient!

After escaping and biting some random guy EVENTS HAPPEN! Soon our main star is pressed into service to kill the eight-legged monstrosity in order to clear his hospital bill. I didn’t know healthcare worked that way. Hmm. Next time I wind up in the ER I’ll take my zombie hunting gear and try to strike a bargain with the mortician. But I digress. After picking up his sidekick, a mexican security guard with a lot of personality, our hero takes after the murderous creature. Several fruitless encounters later leads the third main character to be introduced. Her name is Lieutenant Karly Brant. AKA The love interest.

As you’ve guessed the love interest gal is part of the military and now we have set the stage! LET THE B-FLICK ACTION COMMENCE! At this point is where most of these movies lose steam, falling into failed character development or trying to set up a climax in long, drawn-out process. Big Ass Spider fights that web and fang! Instead of focusing on characters we will never find deep it lets the title character go completely Godzilla! First we trash a park, filled with delicious people, of course, next is a platoon of army folks! And our hero actually does prove his worth by rescuing Lt. Karly Brant. Where you’d usually go “Why didn’t he save anyone else?” this movie answers that by actually having him try to! Yeah! A B-Movie that covers plot holes!

There go those jaws again. Again where there should be boring character development we have the director using his best tool: IMPROV! There are more than a couple of scenes between Alex and Jose (The security guard) that actually made me laugh! I kept watching and thinking that there was no way this was scripted! Their humor is effortless and not forced at all. Which kept me in the film, I am not ashamed to say. Uh. Type. After a huge chase, exploding cars and a wrecked exterminator truck included, we find our climax at the heart of Los Angeles. The arachnid has now reached huge proportions and is now climbing a building while capturing humans to feed her soon to be hatched eggs. That’s right! Purpose to the destruction! I love little things like that. You know, plot points.

But lo, all is not well as Lieutenant Love Interest has gotten herself captured! With her own military unit threatening a nuclear strike to contain the incident Alex and Jose are now her only hope! As I said the cliches are played up. Ticking clock until nuke strike, a final battle between our heros and the hatchlings, and a boss battle to end all spider boss battles, the movie ends with a happy ending. I don’t want to give away any spoilers because I really do recommend this movie for a good night to have some laughs. It gets my thumbs up.

So there you have it. A B-movie movie worthy of being checked out. While it suffers from the same bad CGI that most others do it’s more than forgivable. The humor flows naturally, the spider takes the main stage, and it does a bit of a Tarantino at the beginning. I can’t stop giving kudos to the attitude the flick takes versus others of the same nature. B-Flick fans will have fun.

roadside attractions

  • Spider ass
  • Improv humor
  • Girl with the rack
  • Scream cam
  • CGI blood everywhere
totals

8

blood

BLOOD

While CGI there’s plenty to be had as well as other ooey gooeyness.

4

blood

BREASTS

10

beast

BEASTS

Spiders and spiders and more spiders! Who knew they could roar?

9.0  OVERALL
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Watch the trailer to Big Ass Spider

trailers

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