When did concert promoters go certifiably insane? $75 to see AC/DC? $150 for a crappy seat at a Celine Dion concert? Shouldn’t they be paying the audience to see her screech out 80’s cover songs? Does that include a free ride on a Canadian Zamboni? Shoot I remember when you could see REO Speedwagon for $10 and the best seats were for whoever got there blankets closes to the speakers first, and if you left for the bathroom well that’s your tough lost. Now it’s $5 for a watered down beer surrounded by middle aged guys with iPhones, and comb overs. The only thing they’re hopped up on is Lipitor, and Viagra. So save your cash stay at home, and pirate the songs off the Interwebs like your kids do instead. The only ringing in your ear will be your hearing aid, and you won’t have to bring a bottle to pee in. Well, that still might be a good idea.

Speaking of the big concert events. The Saturn theater is about to put on one of the biggest rock shows for a new Year’s eve blowout to end all blowouts, and trust me there’s plenty of blow to go around. The movie “Get Crazy” has more drugs in it than a hooker in Charlie Sheen’s apartment. The only thing that puts a damper on the festivities is an evil corporate raider in a shiny jumpsuit named Colin Beverly, a greedy nerd that shows up with his color matching yes men trying to buy the theater. After a humiliating rejection by Wolf , the theater’s owner, Colin decides to plant a high-tech stink bomb to go off at midnight thereby bankrupting the theater…. and if that doesn’t work they’re going to give them all swirlies or stuff them in a locker. The owner thinking he has suffered a minor heart attack decides to put his puffy haired nephew Sammy in charge…a greasy little Donald Trump wanna-be whose looking for a quick buck. Sammy makes a deal with Colin to help plant the bomb so he can get a cut of the theater sales or become a drugged out dirty hippy, whichever comes first.

Daniel Stearn the robber from “Home Alone 1 & 2″ is here to save the day as the level headed stage director Neil Allen… that is unless an annoying little blonde hair kid drops a  steam iron on his head.  He often fantasizes about chain smoking frizzy haired women getting burned at the stake and playing Tarzan with a Jane in garter belts. He also let’s in creepy alien drug dealers dressed as masochists to dope up his staff with magic mystery pills. Neil has got upper management written all over him.

With all the prep work done the concert kicks off to a hodgepodge of punk, new wave, pop, and blues music. Think Hoochie Coochie man but imagine the punk band Fear doing a cover version with strung out cheerleaders. There’s also a Jewish blues band rocking out with King Blues, and a brief stint of Lee Ving screaming in a mic encouraging suicidal teens to jump from balconies. They really need a tranquilizer gun for this guy before he bites off someone’s ear. The headliner though is Reggie Wanker ( Malcolm MacDowell) who after doing loopty loops in his jet, gallivants around the stage with a stuffed crotch, and a bad case of Mick Jaggerism. Even Lou Reed stumbles in for the show after he sobers up being typically late, and typically folksy. It’s the Lou Reed way.

Neil’s fanboy sister ditches her mom, and dad to sneak off to the concert for a chance to shake her money makers with Reggie on stage but she nearly gets knocked over by his enormous stuffed jock strap. Neil pulls her off the stage just in time before someone gets their eye poked out. Later backstage Reggie makes the sign of the 3 humping hyenas with some low self esteemed groupies only to find out his long time girlfriend just did it with a nerdy stage hand. He drowns his sorrows in bad blues singing with drug laced Gatorade, and talks to his penis about career advice….stranger yet is when the little wanker starts talking back. Did I mention there were a lot of drugs in this movie? Neil discovers the bomb plot, and attempts to get it’s location from Sammy, now a newly converted hippie, that is if a giant anamorphic joint doesn’t stop him first.

Hijinks aside The majority of the film is focused on the concert with a bit of slapstick comedy thrown in between the pot smoking, and pill popping. It’s “Reefer Madess” meets “Meatballs” blended with “Spinal Tap” served in a dirty ashtray and a perfect follow-up to the director’s earlier film “Rock n’ Roll Highschool.” Retroman says check it out so you too can be “one with the universe man in a dazzling moonbean of peace love and colors maaaaannn.”

Nancy Regan likely showed clips of this film to scare elementary kids, and would threaten that Mr. Electric is hiding under their bed.

A Special thanks goes out to “Super Strange Videos” who sent us a copy of “Get Crazy” for review…the movie is incredibly difficult to find. Stop by their site and tell em’ Lost Highway sent ya.

Rocket surfing Darth Vader Drug Dealer Extreme Hippies Stackable naked chicks Free style stage diving Watercooler acid trips Exploding Limos Rowdy Dowley extreme jock strap Talking willy wankers Creepy Joint mascots	0 BLOOD None unless someone got a nose bleed from the coke 8 BEASTS The man they call Piggy 9 BREASTS Plenty. seems like every Mcdowell film has knockers   8.5 OVERALL

Check out the trailer for “Get Crazy”

“So a mouse, a French leprechaun and an Indian walk into a bar…”

You know I often wonder why people refer to high school as the best years of their lives. Do these people actually remember what is was like back then, or do they get those years confused with a “Saved by the Bell” episode? This adolescent socialist prison system had to be some sort of evil physiological test confined to a rat maze of smelly lockers. Perhaps it was created by an ancient race of aliens in order to understand human behavior. If you’ve seen some of the school board members, you’d believe it, too. High school was divided into social cliques in their own 70’s street-gang style. There were the nerds, the geeks, bandzies, spazes, jocks, ice queens, druggies, snobs, and other lesser-known sub-categories like “fans of David Hasselhoff” or “kids that can play Casio keyboards.” And yes, I belonged to that last group ( I can still play Van Halen’s “Jump.”). It’s amazing lunch time didn’t erupt into a turf war. My money would be on the nerds…they had skills like MacGyver and could rig-up some explosives with a napkin, a couple of wires, and some day-old burritos. Watch out for the ice queens, though; they were like brain Ninjas…they’d leap from the rafters and attack your self-esteem and poor fashion sense. It’s strange looking back and wondering why we ever cared about who likes who; will I be able to learn to play Axel-F on my keyboard; will I ever pass Algebra? Guess what? Algebra…you’ll never use it again. That’s why they build calculators into shopping cart handles now. Gym class? I haven’t had the need to climb a rope since then, and don’t plan to, unless I’m involved in a prison break someday. Chemistry class…I seem to remember something about a periodic table, but I get that confused with the term “occasional furniture.” Just remember, kids: these are not the best years of your life; those are coming later and it’s called “college”…and possibly “retirement” for others. But do count your blessings. No paying taxes, no house payments, no responsibilities, and an unlimited amount of time to play Halo 3 on your Xbox. Curse you, Snipermaster07 and your unlimited training time. I will defeat you someday.

Speaking of high school kids with too much time on their hands, “Rock ‘n’ Roll High School” is a 70’s musical featuring the Ramones and a wide assortment of teenagers who are most likely to break out and dance at any moment. Gym class turns into Jazzercise; freshmen get stuffed into lockers; and hallways become punk rocking mosh pits. PJ Stolls of “Halloween” fame plays Riff Randal, the always-perky rock ‘n’ roll rebel whose obsession in life is to write a song for the Ramones and have them serenade her in her bathroom. Kate Rambeau (not the Vietnam vigilante) is her nerdy friend who has a crush on the football captain, Tom, played by Vincent Van Patten. Tom just happens to be even geekier than Kate with his name proudly embroidered across his jersey, as well as his lame pickup lines about the weather and driving around in his Dungeons and Dragons Warlock van.  Hey haven’t I seen this van somewhere else?

Johnny and Kate are trained in dating techniques by none other than the gigolo of cool, Clint Howard. He’s Ron Howard’s more handsome brother. He plays Eaglebauer, the school’s one-man, one-named Mafia, who runs a very profitable business from within the boys’ bathroom stalls, complete with his own secretary and voice-over announcer. I see a future corporate CEO position for this guy. Embezzlement and corruption sure…but the man’s got moxy, and already has a receding hairline as a teenager.

A new principal is brought to clean up the school, Miss Togar the Ogre (Mary Woronov). She is a tall Nazi-like warden, whose hair buns are wound tighter than Princess Leia’s. She also enjoys blowing up mice with blaring rock music. Hey, all this lady needs is a date and a day at the spa. Her plans is to rule Vince Lombardi High School with an iron fist, along with her Boy Scout hall monitors Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum. Riff fights back by camping out to buy tickets for the town’s big Ramones concert. The band shows up in a big pink Cadillac with the phrase “Gabba Gabba Hey” blazoned across their license Plate, while eating chicken and playing guitar. Yet Riff still wants to buy the ticket and doesn’t run away screaming. Nothing against the Ramones, their music defined punk rock, but they sure were a homely group of rockers, and Joey, their lead singer, was the definition of eccentric. The man lived off wheat germ and riboflavin, and would cower in the shadows to avoid the deadly rays of the sun. Also an honorable mention to Paul Bartel, who plays the wacky music professor and recently converted Ramon-ite. He shows up to the concert in a French-Leprechaun outfit, complete with beret, rocking out with a giant white Rat, and an Indian Chief. Now there’s something you won’t see in “Grease.”  The Ramones show up later at the school for yet another concert (Why did the students even have to buy tickets to begin with for the town concert?), and after a good old-fashioned album burning by the parents, they end up blowing up the school with some homemade dynamite, mixed by Kate Rambo…Yes, she finally lives up to her namesake. The TV announcer signs-off by reminding us “if your principal gives you trouble and you want the same to happen at your school, then give Screamin’ Steve a call.” Screamin’ Steve is now on a terrorist watch list, and the students are serving time in Guantanimo.

If you liked cheesy musicals like “Little Shop of Horrors”, “Grease”, or “Hairspray”, I think you’ll rock out to this cult classic and lasting film tribute to the Ramones. It was originally titled “Disco High School”, and they thankfully changed the title out of fear that nobody would see it, except Travolta fanboys. And you can only handle so much on-screen Bee-Gees. Retroman Steve says, “Gabba Gabba grab a copy and check it out.”

Roadside Attractions

-Boy Scout hall monitors
-blow-up doll sexual assaults
-freshman locker stuffing
-remote-controlled airplane flying
-explod-o-mice
-rock ‘n’ roll gym class
-bra- fu
-music instructors in berets
-Ramones bathroom attendants
-extreme hall monitoring
-record-ka-bobs
-lunch lady firing squads
-shag carpeted vans

rated 8.6 out of 10 for the movie

most memorable quote: “If you don’t like it, you can put it where the monkey puts the nuts.”

Check out the trailer for Rock ‘N’ Roll High School

“The Russian Chernobyl Dance Class gets their groove on.”

When I was a pre-teen, one of my regular weekend hangouts was the local skating rink.  Donning a pair of smelly, rented roller skates, I’d awkwardly traverse the infinite circle of wood floor paneling, while songs from the likes of Pat Benatar and the Thompson Twins blared in my ears.  “Hit me with your best shot” seemed appropriate as I’d collide with concrete support beams or other skaters.  I was pretty good at gaining speed on the straightaways, but would easily lose control on the turns, scraping the outside wall like Cole Trickle in “Days of Thunder.”  But what else are ya gonna do when they start playing REO Speedwagon’s “Keep On Rollin’”?  That’s right–you gotta keep on rollin’!

I’d take occasional breaks from the circle death-race in the snack bar areas, but it would take quite a bit of skill to transition from the wood flooring to the green shag carpet without it resulting in a trip to the ER.  It’s a skill you don’t often hear talked about in roller derbies. After a brief snack of caffeine and sugar it was back to the perpetual left turn of roller rink skating, until the DJ announced the dreaded “couples song.”  The young guys, who at the time still believed in cooties and whose voices hadn’t yet changed, scattered to the safety of the sidelines, making room for teenage couples wearing glo-sticks, rolling around hand in hand.  What a strange concept: going to some place to roll around in circles to cheesy 80’s tunes.  This might be a good idea to make other mundane things much more enjoyable, such as waiting in a bank line, or getting your license renewed at the Secretary of State.  If only you could just roll around in a roped-off area while listening to the rockin’ sounds of Kenny Loggins, then time would go buy so much more quickly.

In the cult classic “Xanadu”, Olivia Newton-John has to put her roller skating skills to the test.  She plays a magical muse named Kira, who is unleashed from a bad 80’s mural painting, along with her muse sisters, by a starving artist named Sonny Malone. Sonny is played by Michael “Call me Swan” Beck of “The Warriors” fame, whose dreams of success go beyond re-painting bad album covers as promotional posters (larger scale printing technology apparently was still in the dark ages during the 80’s.).  Sonny gets a little sugar from Kira on a boardwalk in Venice Beach, and then she turns into a yellow beam of disco light and mysteriously disappears.  That frightful scene of dark magic doesn’t seem to phase him one bit though, as he decides to try to find her on astolen moped.  Who doesn’t love a girl that can re-materialize on a whim, anyway?  Soon she starts showing up in his album paintings, on old TV shows, in the dictionary, and teleports into dark corners.  She’s sort of a Jason Vorhees with leg warmers stalking Sonny.  She then lures him to an art-deco wrestling arena, where she casts an “eye of Newton” love spell on him, and convinces him to give up his crappy day job and start a dance club  with piles of money from Danny, played by the legendary Gene Kelly.

My theory is that Olivia isn’t even a mystical muse as she claims, but she’s actually just a shrewd real estate woman looking for some good investment opportunities.  The glowing is easily explained by a diet high in phosphorus.  Olivia and Sonny express their love by turning into animated fish and vest-wearing birds that dance to songs by ELO.  No, you’re not hallucinating.  I prefer to give a nice box of chocolates and flowers than to transmogrify.  She then enlists the help of Danny, whose mind is permanently stuck in the 1940’s as he hallucinates, talks to his vintage record player, and makes faces at himself in the mirror.  Poor guy, the dementia was already setting in.

See the conspiracy plot unfold as Sonny and Danny turn the run-down arena into a shimmering temple of 80’s decadence called “Xanadu”, where people of every race and creed will be able to roller skate, dance, and perform tight-rope walking.  With mission accomplished, Kira returns to her Purgatory world of endless voids and neon racing stripes, but Sonny’s love for her won’t keep them apart, so he goes to her world to argue with Zeus for her immediate release.  Because if anyone can convince Zeus, it’s a guy in a Hawaiian shirt wearing roller skates!  Xanadu’s opening night is a hit, filled with circus rejects, mimes, 80’s punk rockers, beatniks, ravers, shavers, mash-potaters, and people in pink neon and metallic clothes.  It’s like a Star Trek convention, only with fewer virgins.  Will Sonny and Kira’s love keep them together for a night of Xanadu, or will the Greek gods put a kibosh on their disco plans?

Honestly, by every account I should have absolutely hated this movie/musical.  It’s horrible acting, it’s plot-less, it’s disco, and the cheese definitely goes on thick.  Yet I’ve watched it 3 times already, and my kids love it, as well.  There really is something unique and endearing about this bizarre little film, and the soundtrack by ELO makes this movie shine (or glow in this case).  The film has also been made into a hit Broadway play, even though the original actors claim this film ended their acting careers.  So check out this cult classic, but don’t forget your glo-sticks.

Keep an eye out for...

- ELO-rama
- Roller-Derby dancing
- The high-pro glow dancers
- Gratuitous interior mansion decoration
- Paranormal big band stand apparitions
- Long bikes rides on short piers
- Dancing fish with leg warmers
- Near train collisions
- Skater-fu
- Disco themed Purgatory
- Western theme roller-rink hallucinations
- Illegal use of Gene Kelly in a pimp suit—5 yard penalty.

“Xanadu, it’s like sniffing glue. It’s like dropping acid, too. It’s up to you, Xanadu!” everyone sing!!!

rated 9.6 out of 10 for the movie

YES YOU CAN WATCH THE ENTIRE MOVIE RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW!!!! CAN YOU HANDLE THAT??