Archive for the 'New Releases' Category

Apr

Comments Off on Fondue

Fondue

I don’t understand all this hate for Canada. I’ve been there a few times and it’s a nice, quiet place and I always have a good time. After all, they have given us wonderful things like Bacon, Rush and poutine. Well now I would like to add another thing to that list: The films of young filmmaker Torin Langen. Usually when we think of Canadian films, The Final Sacrifice comes to mind, but I’m here to erase that memory from your mind and fill it with a pleasant one.

This memory in particular is a short I was fortunate enough to see entitled Fondue from Candle Flame Films. I wasn’t sure what Fondue was about, but having seen some of Torin’s previous work, such as Trash, I was pretty excited to view this. And let me tell you… I was blown away.

The film starts off with a young woman sitting quietly by herself on sidewalk of a busy city. A young man comes to meet her and the two frolic off to a department store where they pick up some creepy masks and some cheerful looking pumpkin buckets for Trick or Treating, giving you the indication that it’s probably for Halloween. However, the streets seem to be lacking any children, dressed as ghouls or goblins out and about haggling for candy door to door. It’s here that the pair dons there masks and walk side by side down some railroad tracks as they mark their hands with an ‘F’. They make their way to a house that looks like it should be in a Rob Zombie film as they bump into another young woman, also in a mask holding a bucket, as she is skipping away from the house. The three stare at each other for a moment and it’s at this moment when you realize how quiet the town seems and that something terrible could happen at any moment. The young girl just scoots pass them as they make their way up to the door.

Once at the house, someone in a mask invites the girl in as the boy waits outside. The interior of the house, desperately needing some interior decoration (maybe someone should call the guys from Extreme Makeover: Home Edition). The girl is instructed to go upstairs after being handed an intense looking knife, hooked and bearing teeth similar to a saw. Once upstairs, she hesitates for a moment and stands in a doorway, very reminiscent of slasher villains Jason Voorhees or Michael Myers. Then we see what she was staring at: A young man, bound and gagged in a rusted, filthy bathtub, hooked up to some homemade IV. She advances with the knife and the film reveals its true nature.

Fondue was truly unnerving for the right reasons. For starters, the film’s muted color bring out the grey sky, the orange and brown of the dead leaves and the dried blood red house make you feel uncomfortable in your own surroundings, leaving you with a sense of dread that you are in constant danger. The only time we see the characters faces is at the beginning. These kids look innocent and harmless, but once they don their monster masks, which seem to fit their faces and personality, they turn into soulless beings capable of macabre things. Fondue is also void of any dialogue and the actors are forced to show emotion through masks, which is no easy task when no one speaks and is hiding their faces, but their eyes, peering beyond the masks (especially actress Raven Cousens) shakes you to your core.

Aside from the wind whipping dead tree branches, the sound or gravel and hardwood floors beneath their shoes and the occasional passing train, Fondue’s only soundtrack are very rusty guitar strings, reminding me of Neil Young, matches the tone, both visually and viscerally.

Overall, the film was an eerie experience and had sort of a Jim Jarmusch vibe to it, mixed with a little bit of Hitchcock tension. Fondue is respectually getting the recognition it deserves and turning heads (and stomachs) at film festivals all over. Keep your eye for this one and on the director/writer Torin Langen. That kid is going places, I tell ya.

roadside attractions

  • Monster Mask Mania
  • Homemade IV Goodness
  • Fondue Dipping Fun
totals

8

blood

BLOOD

Everyone, everything… except the dude in the tub.

7

blood

BREASTS

If you count that one boob in the bathtub.

9

beast

BEASTS

Everyone, everything… except the dude in the tub.

8.1 OVERALL
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Check out the trailer for “Fondue”

trailers

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Mar

Comments Off on Sexsquatch

There are some films you shouldn’t take so seriously. I shouldn’t have to tell you which films these are, but Sexsquatch… not one of them, believe it or not. When you first hear the title, you may think it’s a low budget porn spoof of some kind and you would be halfway right. It is low budget, but the other half is a comedic blend of horror and toilet humor and let me tell you something: This kind of blend goes down smooth right to the last drop.

Sexsquatch, brought to you by SRS Cinema, starts off with a Sasquatch pun-filled narration from the Warlock (for those of you familiar with Warlock Home Video) who promises us, “We haven’t seen nothing yeti!” which is a perfect description to set the tone. For those of you who have seen writer/director Chris Seaver’s previous work, which includes Terror at Blood Fart Lake, you know what you’re in for. For those of you who haven’t… strap in.

The movie begins with a meteor crashing into Earth, interrupting a couple (one of which is rocking a Fright Rags’ Silent Night, Deadly Night tee!) planning to fornicate. Always seems to be the case, doesn’t it? Just as about he’s going to show her why they call him ‘Johnny Longbone’ (a possible MST3K reference), Sexsquatch appears, mumbling “butthole” and kills them. We are only about two minutes into this movie and I already love it.

Cut to the squinty eyed Skippy, a donut obsessed young man who talks kind of like Robert DeNiro and sort of looks like Butthead, who is bringing his pal, and presumably life partners Leo and Crystal some of said donuts. After interrupting some baby making, the three talk about throwing a party for their pal Joey, who unfortunately has never been laid. You see, Joey is the ‘edu-ma-cated’ one of the bunch and has hopes and dreams of one day becoming the president of showbiz! Because, why can’t B-movies have class? Because of all of this dreaming, he forgot all about girls and getting laid.

Soon all the guests start arriving. Mudhoney, a sassy redhead, Lucas and Lance, who dress like if Miami Vice and Magnum P.I. (and possibly gay… with each other) mated with the typical ‘dude-bro’, Joey and his mother who wears so much make up, you probably needs a belt sander to remove it and finally Jennifer, the girl Joey has a secret crush on. This is when one of the more strange (and believe me, that’s saying a lot) characters is introduced. A dirty, possibly retarded woman named Marmalade wonders onto the property. Wanting to join party, she freshens up by smearing some blue goop out of a frog’s bunghole and onto her lips. Naturally, a person like this would upset any sane rational people, even if it is a movie by Chris Seaver and Ron Bonk, as they threaten and remove her from the party. So in a very ominous, Crazy Ralph kind of way she puts a curse on them and flees. Oh well, back to the drinking and sex!

sexsquatchAnd this is when we get our full glimpse of the Sexsquatch, named Stinkfist, who happens to be pooping next to Marmalade. If you’re expecting to see a man dressed in what looks like a Halloween costume with rubber gloves and shoes, well then you’re in luck! I don’t consider this a bad thing. It certainly adds to the humor and you get a sense everyone is having fun, especially with this character. This ridiculousness is further emphasized when the creature speaks with Shakespearian style English accent. Marmalade befriends the beast and she promises him a buffet of victims to rape and kill (it’s in his blood after all).

Our loveable group of misfits continue on with their party. The girls discuss which one of them is going to deflower young Joey, with the obvious choice being Jennifer since they seem to like each other. Ah, romance is such a beautiful thing, especially when a Sexsquatch and a bizarre homeless woman are trying to molest you. Later that evening, Leo, being the sage that he is, tells the horror story of the Terror at Blood Fart Lake, an obvious nod to Chris Seaver’s previous work. Lucas leaves to go grab some more ‘brewskies’. But what would a solo trip for beer in the woods be if you didn’t stop to take a pee? After unknowingly giving Marmalade a golden shower, Stinkfist disembowels Lucas and sodomizes him. Why do I get the feeling I’m going to be talking about that a lot?

While sharing a tender moment the next day, Jennifer and Joey literally stumble upon his body and tell the group. This is when we are treated to what is probably the greatest musical number in history about the KKK adopting a highway and cleaning up litter. Lance, rocking a sweet pair of Bret Hart shades, vows vengeance and rather than contact the authorities, the group agrees Lucas would want them all to continue with the party. And that’s what they do. There is cake, which Joey’s mom blows the candles out by farting on them, an emotional speech and then finally Joey’s big moment: Knocking boots with the lucky girl Jennifer. But outside, Stinkfist is turning another victim into a finger puppet (again, literally).

This is the traditional part in a horror film when the group goes their own ways to do whatever it is they do and die in horrific ways. Believe me, in Sexsquatch, the deaths are horrific… and hilarious! The best of being while two are being sodomized at once (see, told you that would come back) while Stinkfist is singing Down in New Orleans by Dr. John. This is a scene you have to see to believe.

But now it’s time for the final showdown. The remaining survivors are confronted by Stinkfist and his evil cohort Marmalade and have kidnapped Jennifer when she ran off after Joey’s awkward finish when he called out ‘Mother’ (in his defense, he said it like ‘Muv-uhh’ like Danzig). Finally giving some exposition, Stinkfist tells them he is from the planet Buttsexon Prime and has a bet with his overlord to see who can rape and kill the most. Stinkfist is nearly at that goal, but not if Skippy can help it! He jumps into action! No retreat, no surrender! The final battle ensues, but will it be enough to stop the evil Stinkfist and his creepy sidekick (so creepy she even creeps him out! Do you know how hard it is to creep out a Sexsquatch?)

sexsquatchSexsquatch is the perfect get together movie, throw back some brewskies of your own and have a good laugh. As I said earlier, this isn’t a film to be taken seriously and the film makers and actors make this obvious. They are having a good time and they want you to be a part of that. This is inviting from the first line of dialogue, which sounds like if Quentin Tarantino was writing fart and wiener jokes for porno. It’s dirty, disgusting and hysterically poetic. I’ve never heard vulgar dialogue sound so beautiful and make so much sense. I need to incorporate that way of speech into my everyday life.

I honestly have nothing but praise for this movie. I had an absolute blast watching it and what makes it better is I know I’ll have an even better time when I share it with my friends, who I know will like it as much as I did. If I had to make one complaint about the film, it’s that the run time is just shy of under an hour. Luckily there are some hilarious bloopers on the DVD extras to give you a little some more as well as some other trailers, like Ron Bonk’s Clay and Ms. Cannibal Holocaust.

You can grab your copy of Sexsquatch from SRS Cinema’s website on March 23rd!

roadside attractions

  • Skippy’s donuts
  • Mustache and mullets
  • Bret Hart shades
  • Shakespeare poop jokes
  • Hooties!
totals

7

blood

BLOOD

Gut strangulation, head squishing and finger puppets!

7

blood

BREASTS

Nothing bare, but good lord there are some large-uns!

9

beast

BEASTS

I don’t know which one creeps me out more: Sexsquatch or Marmalade.

8.1 OVERALL
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Check out this trailer from “Sexsquatch”

trailers

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About the Highway

Lost Highway is your satirical detour down the twisted back roads of b-movies and cult films reviews. learn more >>