Archive for the 'Review by Barry Goodall' Category

Jun

I’m starting to doubt this whole “aliens are among us” conspiracy theory going around lately. Sure, back in the day when ET was on lunchboxes and Alf was eating cats, I was more inclined to believe such nonsense, but now I call shenanigans. Occasionally we get a “credible” witness like a Walmart manager who is abducted in the parking lot or and old lady with glaucoma who saw blurry lights out by her woodshed. To me it seems like it’s mostly just drunk deer hunters in pickup trucks. Kardishains are actually aliens? Yes that’s believable, but drunk deer hunters who may have just shot their buddies in the face aren’t the reliable witnesses as you would’ve originally believed. They have consistently lied about deer they shoot and how many other hunters in the process (the averaged is 3). Why would I ever believe them if they claim to be probed by a 8 ft albino? So now whenever I’m approached by a old beat up pick up truck with a gun rack in back, I know that someone is about to tell me a lie. I say to that fellow, “Whoa there bearded stranger, you best sober up and we’ll talk about your alien encounter over a hot cup of joe.” and we share a good flavored coffee and laugh about the ridiculousness of it all. So remember, don’t trust drunk deer hunters when it comes to alien conspiracies but do trust sober pheasant hunters with bigfoot stories. They are most trustworthy people you can meet and will never steer you wrong. (except Dick Cheney)

xtroSpeaking of alien abductions, Xtro is yet another movie that further destroyed any extraterrestrial credibility left. Tony and his dad Sam are out in their backyard playing fetch with their dog when the fetch stick suddenly explodes in mid air and the dad is sucked up like a vacuum cleaner into a vortex of light leaving Tony wondering what happened to his stick.

Years later, Tony is still having nightmares about the abduction and rightly so. His mother Angela seems to be coping well, since she’s shacking up with a photographer named Joe and hiring a French live-in maid played by Maryam Dabo. That life insurance must have paid off nicely. Things are all set up for a outrageous romantic comedy, but then a meteor falls in the woods and some hairless alien dog oozes out of it. The gooey mutt finds a woman in a nearby English cottage and attaches to her face with an alien vacuum hose depositing mutant DNA into her womb. She awakens hours later with a hangover and a tummy the size of a Volkswagen which she spontaneously gives birth to the recently abducted Sam as a full grown man!!! Whoooaaa! No hot water, no warm towels, no epidermal. This could be the best pro abstinence video ever.

Sam is a bit bewildered also a bit colicky, so he steals some clothes after killing a tourist and tracks down Tony and his mom back in town. Rachel his wife smacks him upside the face, but he explains how he had amnesia for the past 3 years and is ready to be a dad again. She totally buys his story letting him move in and kicking Joe to the curb in no short order. So take note cheatin’ boyfriends, just claim amnesia and everything works out fine.

Things seem like old times with the family back together, but Tony catches his Dad eating his pet snake’s eggs and is chased into the street and given an alien hickie. Seems that Sam wants to turn Tony into his own alien hell spawn. Days later, Tony seems his normal bland self, but suddenly develops psychic powers to conjure midget clowns and giant GI Joe dolls to go on killing sprees. At one point, he even creates a black cougar. Yes that’s right, aliens love cats, Alf lied to us! After Tony kills his neighbor, he strings up his live-in French maid as a giant cocoon to lay gooey alien eggs in the bathtub. She’s a sort of inverted pez dispenser. xtroWhile all this is going on, Rachel and Sam have run off to a cottage to make the sign of the 2 humped back whale. Sadly in mid love making, Sam’s skin starts falling off which really destroys the mood. Rachel freaks and Sam runs into the woods to meet up with his alien peeps to talk about his crazy times as a Englishmen. Joe the ex-boyfriend shows up hauling Tony along for the ride but ends up getting his brain melted away by Tony’s alien sonic attack. Rachel runs screaming after Tony, who meets up with his dad who is now full on alien and they disappears into a beam a light abandoning his mother and thus ending the weirdest Pink Floyd video ever.

Not too shabby for an alien film if you ignore the midget clown and random black cougar attacks. I’m thinking the movie might have been actually made by real aliens but we may never know. The truth is out there. *fade away with x-files music*

roadside attractions

  • Exploding fetch stick
  • Frog tongue lashing
  • Snake egg eating
  • Mutant hickies
  • Snake smashing
  • Killer midget clowns
  • Killer giant GI Joe dolls
  • Random black cougar attack
  • Jello molds gone bad
totals

6

blood

BLOOD

Lots of alien goo and ickiness to go around.

8

blood

BREASTS

Maryam Diabo, enough said.

9

beast

BEASTS

One crazy alien mutant with optional mutating son. midget clown, a giant GI-Joe, a snake, and a panther. Sounds like a late night L.A. party.

8 2 OVERALL
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May

An American Werewolf in London

“An American Werewolf in London” is probably the best anti British tourism ad since early Mentos commercials. It’s a movie that shows if you don’t stick with the tour guide, you’ll end up shredded by a werewolf or bitten by one and have to deal with flea baths  for the rest of your life.

An American Werewolf in London

A couple of American students, David and Griffin are backpacking across England when they stumble into a pub called “The Slaughtered Lamb.” It’s not the big party club you’d expect, but it’s stock full of  English folk playing darts and drawing pentagrams on the walls. David and Griffin decide to have a pint but are forced to leave the pub early when they ask about the satanic wall art and are shunned for their lack of cribbage knowledge.

They hike it across the English moors  fully warned to stay on the road when a werewolf  suddenly attacks them killing Griffin and leaving Dave with some pretty bad neck wounds. He passes out just as the werewolf gets shot by the townsfolk but awakens later at a hospital. David tells the doctors about having dreams of running in the woods naked and gnawing on deer heads or seeing his family killed by nazi werewolves while watching the muppets. A common sign of lycanthropy or bad hospital food. His dead friend Griffin shows up in his room later and warns him he’ll become a wolf at the next full moon unless he kills himself. That’s typical zombie reverse psychology, but David doesn’t believe him and goes home with the head nurse for some showering and gratuitous ardvarking. After she leaves for work, he goes all hairy monster and starts killing dinner party guests and British businessmen who can only briskly jog from danger.

A doctor from the hospital suspects the murders were done by David so he stops in at the slaughtered lamb for some intel gathering and a blood transfusion if needed. (It’s a service at all the local English bars.) Meanwhile David is hanging out at a porno-theater where  An American Werewolf in Londonhe goes full on wolf again and his girlfriend shows up  just in time to see him decapitate a policemen and gets shot by a Swat Team. The exact same way Winston Churchill died. David turns back into human form which is end of the film and my personal limit for male hinnee shots.

American Werewolf in London has to be one of the shorter werewolf movies made but has some of the best special f/x  and set the standard for werewolf transformations on screen. What’s really missing is a werewolf surfing on top of a service van or maybe a 80’s montage of him playing basketball  while some Night Ranger music plays in the background.

roadside attractions

  • Deer decapitation
  • cop decapitation with head roll
  • Dart throwin’
  • Nazi werewolves with optional neck slashin’
  • naked marathon running
  • Moors of death
  • Nurse bedside manners
  • Zombies in a porn theater
  • extreme werewolf transformation
totals

9

blood

BLOOD

Werewolves have horrible table manners! There’s blood everywhere.

7

blood

BREASTS

Some ardvarking with a naughty nurse. Thanfully no hairy werewolf breasts.

9

beast

BEASTS

One dead werewolf and one on a english bar crawl.

8 OVERALL
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Mar

posted by Barry Goodall | March 31, 2014 | 90's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Bad movie, Review by Barry Goodall

Warwick Davis never dreamed after being trapped in a tin can by George Lucas that he’d be playing the most famous homocidal Irish midget ( that is if you don’t count a raging preschool Peter o’ toole.) Sure we’ve had Jason in Space, Pinhead in space, heck we’ve even had Pigs in space. But what happens if you stick a Leprechaun in zero gravity?


Leprechaun 4 attempts to answer this  as Warwick once again puts on the  buckled shoes to brings chaos to the galaxy. It  also likes to pretend the first 3 movies were never even made as we find our green midget friend not only in one piece but  living the rich life on a desolate planet along with his alien princess hostage. How he got there, nobody knows. His plan is to marry her, kill her off and become king to steal her planet’s gold. overall its a pretty effective pre-nup. Meanwhile a ship of testerone filled marines are hankering to fill him with McBullet holes instead.


Led by a loud mouth sergeant with a disco ball for a skull, they find his hideout and blow him into a thousand bits. One of the marines relieves himself on the remains which gives the soldier an electric jolt that causes him to give birth to the leprechaun through his crotch. (Those with heart conditions or that may or may not be pregnant should not watch this scene.)


The Leprechaun now  loose on the ship, is being hunted down by the Marines who are getting picked off one by one through a series of bad one liners and dumb space pranks. Even the chrome-dome sergeant gets remote controlled and turned into a transvestite lounge singer much to the horror of the rest of the crew. Meanwhile back in the ship’s lab, a German Cyborg named Dr. Mittenhand, is taking blood samples from the unconscious princess  so that he can regenerate some of his lost limbs. Yes, her blood is magic and she curses people by flashing them her breasts. Her planet must be somewhere near the Mardi Gras nebula. She’s revived by the doc’s assistant who gets his face pancaked smashed and decides to partner with the Leprecuan for the promise of fortune and likely more body glitter spray.The leprechaun gets a hold of the healing formula and blender mixes it with some ground up spider DNA changing the doc into an eight legged german spiderborg named Mittenspider! Hitler would be proud.


Mittenspider redecorates the spaceship in a sticky web while trying to uncode the DNA mixup at his computer.  Before he can trap any renegade space flies, the other soldiers blow him to bits with a can of  liquid nitrogen and a quick shot to the thorax. Back down in the cargo hold, the leprechaun uses a shrinking/enlarg-o ray to grow himself into a 20 ft. soldier stomping monster. Nothing a leaky airlock won’t fix though, as he gets sucked into space and explodes into little green space chunks including a floating hand that flips everyone the bird. That pretty much sums up how most of the audiences felt about this movie.


Not the best in Leprechaun series but that’s a low bar set even for a midget. Barry Goodall says grab a bowl full of lucky charms and hunker down for some gravity free leprechaun action. It’s a pretty fun time depending on how much whisky you had before.

roadside attractions

  • Leprechaun Light sabre attack
  • Disco head marines
  • Giant blue cave rats
  • Flesh eating bacteria walk-in garbage disposals
  • Princess glitter spray
  • Pizza face
  • Giant leprechaun with optional giant german cyborg spider. Now with kung-fu grip.
totals

5

blood

BLOOD

Some red stuff but there’s plenty of goo!

7

blood

BREASTS

one of the best gratuitous breast flashings used as an alien curse of death since Lady Gaga.

9

beast

BEASTS

Plenty of creature features in this with a giant leprechaun, a german floor cleaner, and a cyborg spider hybrid. It’s like Cirque du Soleil.

6 OVERALL
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Feb

posted by Barry Goodall | February 25, 2014 | 90's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Cult films, Cult movies, Review by Barry Goodall

existenz

David Cronenberg never fails to disappoint. Just when you’re needing a movie to make you feel icky again, he hits you upside the head with a ten day old trout left out the in sun too long. Yes it’s his 1999 film ExistenZ (remember to emphasis the Z with your neck extended like a baby eagle waiting for food). It’s a bit Matrix meets alien only with more gooeyness and is destined to do for chinese food what “the Fly” did for eating doughnuts. ExistenZ takes place in the near future where some Sony executives shoot up acid and decide their next game console should be made of human flesh and have nipples. Enter the marketing team saying “Hey the nipple thing is perfect, but can it plug into a bioport on your lower back with an umbilical cord too?” Wow, sign me up for two for some sweet multiplayer action or potential lower spinal paralysis!

existenzAllegra Geller (Jennifer Jason Leigh) is a leading designer of virtual reality games for these console-pods but is shot in the shoulder while attending a focus group, a known hotbed for gun violence. The Security Guard, Ted Pikul played by Jude Law, rescues her but he’s a bioport virgin and has to have one ram shackled into his spine by William Dafoe with an air wrench instead. Dafoe plays a gas station attendant who changes oil filters by day and staples firewire ports into your tramp stamp region by night. Typical Dafoe typecasting again. Once hooked into the game, Allegra and Ted take on their game characters role and become factory workers in a mutant fish slaughter house where game pods are manufactured from the fish guts. oh, and don’t forget all the free botulism.

Ted and Allegra take a lunch break at the local chinese restaurant where Ted orders the house special. It’s a simmering  side-sampler buffet of dead mutants animals encrusted in goo which Ted devours like he has a tape worm. He finshes off the meal and slurps out the entrails to constructs a gun made of bone and gristle just so that he can shoot his waiter. This means the rebels are trying to take control of the game and worst of all there will be no fortune cookies after dinner. Meanwhile, Allegra’s game pod has become infected by a computer virus which she’s hooked up to but a rebel toasts it with his portable flamethrower. The pod pops open releasing millions of infectious spores destroying the other factory game pods thus upping the level of un-believability not seen since OJ testimony. Alegra and Ted awaken finding themselves still attached to their supposed real-life game pod while snoozing in a ski-lodge which we all know this is still a virtual world because ski-lodges don’t actually exist outside of trashy romance novels. existenzMeanwhile a revolution starts up outside lead by realist rebels who are tossing around grenades and shouting things like “death to the virtual world” and other typical revolutionist banter. Ted and Alegra escape to the hills but have a gun-showdown with a competing virtual game developer who just wants them to work for his company instead. It’s a pretty effective recruiting method. I don’t want to give away the twist ending on this one except to say…it’s more of the same. There now you’re expectations aren’t too high,  Barry Goodall says put down the virtual gameboy and go a few rounds with Existenz. Just don’t do it on an full stomach.

roadside attractions

  • Bioport licking.
  • Jiffy lube organic implants
  • Umbilical cord cutting
  • Double headed salamanders (not a euphemism)
  • Tooth bullets
  • Chinese buffet of horror
totals

8

blood

BLOOD

People getting shot with teeth bullets, gory gooey entrails to help keep that gore meter up.

7

blood

BREASTS

Cronenberg goes light on the nudity for this one which is odd for a cronnenberg film.

7

beast

BEASTS

A bunch of mutant fish and lizards and weird pod creatures that hook up to your spinal column.

8 OVERALL
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Jan

posted by Barry Goodall | January 25, 2014 | 90's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Horror movies, Review by Barry Goodall

leprechaun2


Just when you thought it was safe to eat Lucky Charms again, along comes Leprechaun 2. This time the leprechaun is in love and will stop at nothing to get his bride. It’s the equivalent of a midget psychopath with an E-harmony account. In medieval Ireland when people weren’t dying of the black death, they’re usually dealing with leprechaun infestations. Warwick Davis plays one such magical irishman whose been hankering for a little dwarf love on his 1000th birthday. He’s got his eyes set a local peasant girl. She’s a fair maiden who enjoys nighttime laundry cleaning. Fortunately her dad whose been a forced slave of the Leprechaun puts the kibosh on the wedding plans when he breaks up it’s spell of sneezes. Yes, many Irish spells revolve around chronic outdoor allergies. This ticks of the little green guy who ends up sulking in a magic tree trunk for a few more centuries and work on growing out his mullet.


Flash forward to the 1990’s and a con artist, Cody and his drunk uncle Morty have been touring around in a hearse taking tourists money and creeping out the old folks at the senior center. Cody’s girlfriend Bridget, a descendent of the peasant girl comes along for the ride hoping to play a bit of putt-putt later with Cody (not a euphemism.) Meanwhile, A hobo’s gold filling lures the old Leprechaun out of hiding and starts stalking Bridget hoping to make her his new bride and baby mama. He puts her in a choke collar and teleports her back to his tree cave prison for a shotgun wedding but before he can perform the ceremony he discover one of his precious gold coins was snatched away by Cody. He must “have his gold” so he leaves Bridget chained to a rock and heads back to town to track him down.


leprechaun2Cody has been trying to convince Morty of the Leprechaun, but he doesn’t believe him until they both go to the local bar and the Leprechaun shows up for a St. Patty’s day drinking showdown. Even a leprechaun can’t out drink an alcoholic. Before he can claim victory, the leprechaun smashes Morty on the head with a whiskey bottle and hides out in a hipster coffee shop to sober up and face melt a snarky barista. Cody and Morty trick the leprechaun into a iron safe but Morty can’t resist the lure of 3 free wishes and locks Cody in the closet while he ends up with a stomach full of gold coins instead. That’s a heck of lot harder to pass than a kidney stone. With his last wishes, Morty accidentally frees the leprechaun who then slices him open like a sunday ham. and somewhere a bartender decides to close early.

Cody tracks down the leprechauns secret love lair and has to do fight with the little guy through a battle of wits which can hopefully can save Bridget from a life of leprehacuan diaper changing once and for all. L2 is not really on par with the first Leprechaun film which had Jennifer Aniston, but this one did have a brief cameo by Clint Howard which is about as good as it gts. Barry Goodall says check out Leprechaun 2, it’s magically malicious.

roadside attractions

  • Levitating and neck snapping
  • Homeless dental surgery
  • Glowing trees
  • Tree-fu
  • Finger rippin’ good
  • Propeller to the face
  • Remote choke collar
  • Snuggie blackets
  • Leprechaun drool
  • Irish go-carting
  • Espresso of death
  • Hit and run leprechaun
  • Skeleton wrestling
  • Exploding midgets
totals

2

blood

BLOOD

A finger gets chopped, a stomach sliced, but it’s surprisingly light on the red stuff. There’s a lot of high blood alcohol levels though if that counts for anything.

7

blood

BREASTS

Stunt Double breasts? sure, we don’t discriminate but wish they’d jump through a flaming hoop over some buses.

7

beast

BEASTS

One little leprechaun who can’t stop rhyming like a midget vanilla ice with more talent.

7.9 OVERALL
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