Archive for the 'Review by Barry Goodall' Category

Feb

posted by Barry Goodall | February 11, 2015 | 90's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Bad movie, Horror movies, Review by Barry Goodall

Starring a lot of nobodys doing a whole lotta nothing, Grim pretty much lives up to it’s title from start to finish. It starts off with a boring dinner party where some yuppies breakout their ouija board and accidentally unleash a satanic underground monster who grabs a dinner guest as a trophy wife. A pretty successful party otherwise. The hosts, Steve and Katie have some major guilt about Wendy’s kidnapping so they hire some amateur spelunkers to go exploring some nearby caverns explaining to them it’s for a “scientific study.” Never mind that people are being snatched from their living room by a cross dimensional half monkey/half lion beast, we’ve got some stalactites to photo!

After what might be actual vacation video of people endlessly walking in caves they discovers a living room recliner in the middle of a cavern covered in blood surround by skeletons (death by lazyboy.) Steve gets possessed by the monster and ties up Katie for a sacrifice while he bangs on a brass pot…and bangs…and keeps banging. Seems nothing can stop this big beasts with Koolaid vision from crushing skulls and chomping on faces. It’s probably just trying to stop that incessant banging noise. Katie is rescued but everyone totally ditches Wendy whom they find chained to the wall because she’s gone all batty. Yes I said batty…sorry it’s a cave pun.

Lacking proper Goonies skills they all start getting picked off one by one until someone decides to shine their flashlight directly in the creature’s eyes. The magic pennant they brought with them is pretty much useless now. Thanks for nothing Sky Mall.  They eventually lure the monster into a open well where it gets a healthy dose of sunshine turning it into a big hunk of rock that’s full of vitamin D. The dinner party couple escapes, but leaves their friend Wendy still chained up in the creature’s lair wondering what she did to make them hate her so much. I wondered the same thing about the director. Did I date his sister? Was he riding the bicycle I hit on the way to work? Paul Matthews why do you hate me?!! Barry Goodall says to check it out only if you enjoy Guantanamo Bay style waterboarding and endless cave exploring footage.

roadside attractions

  • Face chomping
  • animated bat attack
  • mind reading monkey beast
  • skull crushings
  • koolaid monstervision
  • continuous gong chimes
  • wall chain of soccer moms
  • magic pet rock
totals

5

blood

BLOOD

sure it’s a head crushing but really not as gooey as it could be!

0

blood

BREASTS

There’s too much cave exploration going on to get naked.

9

beast

BEASTS

A pretty nasty monkey/lion hell beast than can teleport through walls and possess people. Beat that Donald Trump!

1.2 OVERALL
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Watch the trailer to “Grim”

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Dec

Its still alive

Expectant parents everywhere should breath a sigh of relief. Sure, you’ve been worried your kid will come out purple with a cone-shaped head or be dumber than that uncle that jumped off his roof, but that’s only natural. Maybe your family tree really doesn’t fork much. Despite all the things, you probably won’t have to worry that your newborn will eat the nursing staff or go on a murderous rampage across the city. But that’s exactly the type of thing that happens in a Larry Cohen film and with the sequel to “It’s Alive”. He shows us once again just how important prenatal vitamins are.

In “It Lives Again”, Baby Davies is no longer the only mutant kid on the block. Another expectant couple, Eugene and Jody Scott, are about to give birth to a killer toddler and the government is out to stop it. Pro-lifers/choicers, start your writing campaigns. Terrible tykes are popping out everywhere and Frank Davis (John P. Ryan) is hoping to save a few, especially after shot-gunning his own in the sewer a few years back. Creepy Frank crashes their baby shower and arranges to have a mobile baby delivery truck pick them up. Unfortunately, Jody goes into labor early so Frank has to kidnap them at the hospital and take a doctor hostage along for the ride. Just think of the medical bills. While in a car chase, Jody gives birth and the mutant slices up the interns just before they can get it caged it up. Somehow they switch cars and Eugene sneaks the baby out to a isolated retreat to meet up with some other mutants kids in the basement. Maybe they can start a band. It’s been a stressful week so Eugene takes a dip in the pool and gets attacked by a escaped baby mutant who latches onto his neck. It’s like a club med for the deformed.

It's Still alive

The cops find the hideout from a giant tracking device that they put in the mom’s purse and all the babies bust free tearing across the hillside and ruining a perfectly good birthday party. Necks are torn out, faces are gouged and presents are ruined which is all pretty typical for a kids party. The cops kill most of them, but the Scott’s baby escapes into the woods. Jody and Eugene hangout at a hotel and hope to lure their own kid back to teach it about letters, using the potty and not ripping out people’s throats when it has had “mad” feelings. Lessons plans don’t go well when it shows up and they have to shoot it instead. Homeschooling class dismissed.

As far as killer mutant baby movies go, this is one of the better ones. Check it out but keep your baby monitor set to stun. Also, don’t forget to also see the equally gruesome “Island of Alive”, a great film when you need your mutant baby movie to have a more “tropical” flavor.

roadside attractions

  • 9 dead bodies.
  • Neck chomping.
  • Face eating.
  • Extended car chase with roadblock action.
  • Loitering cops.
  • Incubator prison cell.
  • Mutant pool frolicing.
totals

6

blood

BLOOD

These mutants go for the arteries. You’d think you see more gushers.

0

blood

BREASTS

No scenes of mutant breast feeding? Is there no justice?

9

beast

BEASTS

Lots of little mutant ankle bitters.

8 OVERALL
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Watch the trailer to  ”It Lives Again”

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Nov

posted by Barry Goodall | November 9, 2014 | 80's b-movies, 80's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Review by Barry Goodall

Seems you can’t swing a dead cat and not hit a dwarf in a b-movie these day….or toss a dwarf and hit a dead cat. It really depends on your upper body strength. Don’t get me wrong, I love the little people, the elves, dwarfs, those vertically-challenged and consider myself an outstanding midgetarian. I even know all the lyrics to the lollie-pop gang song and think Tom Cruise is actually quite statuesque. It only makes sense that I’d really dig the movie Troll which features not one but two midgets! It’s probably the most dwarf friendly movie since Return of the Jedi.

Troll is the story of a family that moves into an apartment where a devious troll name Torok has been co-leasing their laundry room. Torok  possesses the body of their their annoying daughter Wendy when she loses her toy ball in the basement. She starts acting like a overdosed crack head in front of her family and the parents just think she needs to ease off the Godzilla movies. They don’t realize she’s started a door-to-door campaign of turning everyone into giant avocados by stabbing them with her Green Lantern ring. Sonny Bono in his finest wife beater shirt ends up being the first victim when he gets turned into a potted plant. Then Julia Louis-Dreyfus morphs into a forrest nymph who runs around half naked in an ivy swimsuit (Jerry would be appauled.) Wendy’s brother “Harry Potter Jr.” becomes suspicious when she flings him against the wall like a rag doll. House of Slytherin may be involved until he learns from a neighbor witch, Eunice that his sister is actually a troll in disguise.

Meanwhile, Wendy becomes friends with a real dwarf, Malcolm, and invites him over for dinner to keep her company at the kid’s table. His refusal of chocolate milk confounds the parents who don’t seem to understand their daughter’s behavior or her choice in friends with mustaches. Wendy-Troll feels sorry for Malcolm who’s been dying of a bone disease and out of sympathy turns him into a frolicking Disney elf instead. Death would have been better. Meanwhile Harry Potter Jr. gets a magic spear from Eunice who has changed into a younger version of herself to go troll hunting but gets zapped into a talking tree stump instead. B-Movie violation…too many shapeshifter on the field! She tells Harry to find his sister deep inside the apartments which have now turned into a magical fairlyland.

Harry frees Wendy from an action figure display case with his Antique Roadshow spear when a giant winged troll shows up and attacks them. Torok has a change of heart and throws a steel pipe in the giant’s chest killing it instantly and helps them escape. Harry and Wendy find their parents and move from their greenhouse apartment complex to some place with fewer plants and much taller people. New Jersey probably. Turok takes a bit role in the Wolf of Wall Street and is currently living in Soho.

Troll isn’t a great movie, heck I’m not even sure you can classify it as a film but it sure grows on you. Check it out, and don’t forget to keep your Sonny Bono tree watered daily.

roadside attractions

  • Chia-pet apartment dwellers
  • Extreme Indoor plant growers
  • Epileptic seizure dancing
  • talking stumps
  • Spear-fu
  • Dwarf-fu
  • Troll puppets
  • mushroom table lamps
  • giant bean pods
  • Harry Potter copyright lawyers
totals

6

blood BLOOD
There’s about 2 quarts of the red stuff and lots of green fertilizer goo.

2

blood BREASTS
2 breasts, but only Jerry Senfield can see them.

9

beast BEASTS
plenty of icky sock puppets left over from the FX guys filming Ghoulies.
8.2 OVERALL
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Watch the trailer to “Troll”

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Sep

posted by admin | September 7, 2014 | B-movie Reviews, B-movies, New Releases, Review by Barry Goodall

It’s not often we don’t do a deep dive into a movie review here on Lost Highway. We pride ourselves on giving you a full rundown on the blood, breasts, and beasts count and it’s highway attraction totals. However in the case of Meat.Puppets we’re not going to spoil any of the surprise as that just wouldn’t be fair to you our mutant reading public. Three girls are being held captive and taunted by some deranged psycho and that’s all you need to know! if we told you anymore we’d have to kill you. Meat.Puppets is directed by illustrator Roger Scholz and stars Ashley Short, Marjorie Pierson Yost, Jessica Rose Van Netten and Larry Lutzeit. This gritty feature was filmed on a budget of $70 despite $50 of that just being used to feed the cast and crew. It is truly one of the best times we had with a short film feature in a long time. You just have to see it for yourself. Get yourself a copy or check it out at your local horror film fest and let the director know what you think. https://www.facebook.com/meat.puppets.movie

Aug

poltergiest 2

When I used to  buy real music albums before they became these darn interweb downloads, they used to have 2 actual sides on a record. Yup, you had to get up and flip a record to listen to more Mili Vanili or what we referred to in my days to as “mood killers.”  Most of the time  the “a” side would have all those top hits you’d hear on the radio but the b-side would be the leftovers, the forgottens, the land of misfit songs. Occasionally you’d find a hidden gem in the rubble of Casio loop tracks that was actually pretty good. It’s the same way I feel about Poltergiest 2: the other side. Heck, even it’s title says “b-side” and in comparison to the original it isn’t nearly as good but still has a few clever moments.

poltergiest 2Since all those fun times in Cuesta Verda when their house imploded, the Freelings have moved in with their Grandma Jess.  Steve Freeling (Craig T Nelson) has  started selling vacuums to pay the bills but is saving a ton on cable without a demon ready TV. Little Carol Anne has become a clairvoyant but only uses her powers to pick out yarn colors with her hands. Sure she’ll get made fun of in school but just wait until senior prom when there’s a bucket of pig blood. Also there’s the younger brother Robby. He’s bummed they don’t have a TV but still hates clowns and trees. Rightfully so, I think that kid had a tougher time that  Carol Anne did at the old house. Oh, and what the heck happened to older sister? Where did she run off to? Did she go to college? end up in loony bin? Nobody even mentions her. It’s as if she got wrote out of existence like that dog in the Brady Bunch.

One night Grandma Jess dies in her sleep so The poltergeist take the opportunity to call up Carol Anne on her toy phone and harass her like A Comcast sales rep. Long distances rates to hell are actually quite reasonable that time of night so some evil spirits escape into the wall shaking the house violently and send the Freeling family packin’. Taylor, a wise indian stops them on their way out telling them it’s better to stay and fight the evil. Steven says Taylor can stay but he’s taking his family to a  diner to drown their sorrows in milkshakes and talk to possessed ladies at the pie carousel.

poltergiest 2The next day Carol Anne gets stalked at the mall by a old preacher named Kane dressed as an emo Colonel Sanders. He catches Carol Anne and sings her a song until her mother, Diane finds her. She thanks him and runs away missing out on all the great mom jeans sales. Meanwhile, Steven has gone out in the desert to smoke Indian weed in a hut with his new BIP (Best Indian Pal.) He’s hoping to get in touch with his inner warrior or stoned hippie but hallucinates some bad special effects instead. At least he gets a cool Eagle feather out of the trip.
The Freelings return to the house after Taylor did a quick ghost cleaning which strangely smells like bleach, but the old preacher shows up the next day on their sidewalk telling them they’re “all going to dieee in thereeee!!”. Those are some mighty aggressive door-to-door sales techniques. Steve tells him to take a hike and Robby’s braces try to strangle him that night in the bathroom. It’s Orthodonics of the damned!

Tangina the tiny psychic finally shows up to help Diana tap her own psychic powers and discover the history of Kane who buried all his followers in a cave below the Freelings old house. Steven doesn’t handle the news well and becomes a raging alcoholic who drinks some tequila with a demonic worm in it. It possesses him briefly making him…. well…. a bigger raging alcoholic.  He upchucks it thanks to the Power of Love and it becomes a big demonic spider monkey instead.  It tries to choke him in the foyer but Steven fights it off with a puff of holy smoke. Lucky he inhaled but didn’t swallow.

The family flees the house  in their station wagon pursued by possessed chainsaws and angry jumper cables and they decided to head back to Cuesta Verde to do battle with Kane on his home turf. Once in their abandoned neighborhood, They head down into the cave and jump into a magic fire Taylor prepared. They  float around a bit and stab the Kane monster with a spear from an indian souvenir shop before he can absorb Carol Anne. It amounts to the most anti climatic  battle since that one guy punched Justin Bieber in the face at the airport. The family emerge safely and are finally free from the evil’s clutches and other movie contractual obligations. Yes, Craig T. Nelson could finally go on to make and even worse evil…Coach.

Poltergiest 2 is a fun ride despite being very psychic munkchin light. Barry Goodall says take a trip to other side but always bring an Indian pal along for the ride.

roadside attractions

  • Creepy Colonal Sanders
  • More Zombie-fu
  • Taquilla Posession
  • Indian Fireside Cookouts
  • Orthodonic posession
  • Cave Spelunking
  • Levitating Chainsaw
totals

6

blood

BLOOD

More goo that red stuff but nobody should ever drink taquila,ever!

0

blood

BREASTS

It’s Freeling family friendly terror. No nudity allowed.

9

beast

BEASTS

A creepy preacher, evil taquilla worn, squid people, a lot of zombies, some weird spider monkey demon thing that climbs walls.

8.2 OVERALL
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Watch the trailer to “Poltergiest 2: the Other Side”

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