Archive for the 'Review by Barry Goodall' Category

Jan

posted by admin | January 12, 2011 | 80's movies, Action, Bad movie, Review by Barry Goodall, Sci-Fi

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Raiders of Atlantis

“Raiders of Atlantis” aka “Atlantis Interceptors” sort of reminds me of “Rambo First Blood”…in that people will say “First Blood was a good movie, Raiders of Atlantis isn’t.” It’s a sort of “Everything but the kitchen sink” approach to filmmaking and could be the only movie to actually suffer from ADHD.

It all starts out as a white guy/black guy buddy movie with Mike (Christopher Connelly) and Washington (Tony King) chloroforming rich guys in mansions and then hog tying them up for delivery in the trunk of their car. After making their last drop and reminiscing about the Viet Cong they decide to take a boat trip. Their vacation is cut short though when they have to pick up survivors from a capsized ocean platform where a Russian submarine just popped up thanks to a large helping of baking soda. Toy subs in a bathtub have never been more breath taking. Somehow the radioactive missiles in the sub have also caused the ancient island of Atantis to rise, a sort of ancient island viagra. The sky grow darks, casio keyboards play in the distance and somewhere a bimbo gets a blow dart to the neck. Behold the mighty powers of Atlantis!

Raiders of AtlantisOne of the platform survivors is Cathy (Gioia Scola.) She’s your average super model scientist who has an ancient pre-Columbian tablet that possibly tells the secrets of the ancient city…and how Juan Valdez can pick all those dang coffee beans all by himself. After some brief sexual tension and discussions about spinach diners they all arrive ashore on a totally different island just to further confuse things. The town’s streets are abandoned and it’s inhabitants have all been brutally killed, a Packers celebration gone horribly wrong. but A gang of  “Road Warrior” rejects are still roaming the streets lead by a bouncer in a fish bowl helmet shaped like a skull. Because when you think evil leaders, you think clear plastic headware.

The biker gang attacks the survivors who hold up in a warehouse, alamo style and start flinging an endless supply of  flaming cocktails. Despite the unlimited ammo, Cathy stills gets kidnapped while Mike and his group try to go after her on a tour bus fending off any air dropped punk rockers. Mike, Washington, the professor, ginger, and a few nameless victims go along for a helicopter ride to the Atlantis Raiders of Atlantisisland to try to rescue Cathy. They somehow stumble upon an Indiana Jones stunt spectacular  including spiked jungle traps and poorly paid cliff divers. Mike has plans to sink the island since they have a professor aboard who can neutralize the radioactive missiles  in the now washed ashore submarine.  Once again this proves the theory that all island professors can build radio’s out of coconuts and reverse radioactive isotopes in their spare time.

Mike uses the totem as a sort of babe scientist GPS device guiding them to an underground tomb where Cathy is being held captive by the band Devo. They’re forcing her to perform as a backup singer in a Robert Palmer music video and solve pictionary puzzles while intravenously feeding her prozac. Tom and Washington fight 100’s of tribal gangs, nearly get chomped up in a ancient wind tunnel fan and dodge aztech death lasers only to find that she doesn’t want to go that badly and then disappears into the wall. Typical first date. The biodome on the island starts to shut and Tom and Washington have to high tail it out before the effects budget runs out.

Barry Goodall says it’s all good…but only  if consumed with large amounts of Pabst Blue and zucinni snappers. Check it out and don’t forget to wear a helmet.

roadside attractions

  • Gratutious use of spinach
  • Toy submarine
  • Drive-by decapitations
  • Flaming cocktails
  • Flame throwers
  • Aztech laser spectacular
  • Flaming helipcopters
  • Extreme wind tunnels
  • Jungle spike impalement
  • Punk rocker blow darts
  • Fish bowl helmets
  • Over use of the term “Come on!” and “Alright lets go!”
totals

8

blood

BLOOD

Decapitations, spearing, impaling gore.

3

blood

BREASTS

As cheap as this movie was they wouldn’t sink to that level. pity.

5

beast

BEASTS

If you count the Atlantis demon spirits, probably a dozen or so tops.

5.2 OVERALL
dripper

The original title was “I predatori di Atlantide” which roughly translated means, “I predict this movie will end up in the Atantic”

Check out the trailer for “Raiders of Atlantis”

trailers

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Jan

posted by admin | January 1, 2011 | 80's movies, B-movies, Horror movies, Review by Barry Goodall, Slasher

Comments Off on Bloody New Year

Bloody New Year

I gotta admit I prefer budget lodging in this Michigan economy. Just give me a room with a bed and a TV and I’m living the life of a king. It probably comes from my dad whose idea of a family vacation was going up north with us in the back of the pickup so we’d just slide around like loose change. Apparently he thought we could just go limp if we were in an accident. Luckily we’d only stop for some deer venison jerky or to close up that loose tailgate. Once at our destination he could always find the cheapest hotel in the area. I kept holding out for the possibility of a pool but my dad would just say “They charge you extra for that…I can just spray you down with the hose out back.”

Bloody New Year

The motel would have signs advertising amenities like “AIR” or “COLOR TV” usually placed over a flickering neon sign with a letter or two burned out. Yes enjoy your stay at the “HO EL” where you too can fall asleep to the gentle sounds of a bug zapper killing it’s prey or play that always popular game of “name that stain.”

The room would usually smell of dank mothballs and your feet would sink immediately into an inch deep matting of wall to wall shag carpet. All this fenced in by your standard issued 60’s wood paneling. I can still feel those walls closing in on me like I was Han Solo in that Death Star garbage room scene. “Wait, there’s something moving in the carpet!” If you were lucky you’d get a bed with those vibrating magic fingers and for a mere quarter you could get your inner organs reorganized or your spine realigned without those hefty chiropractor bills. Now that I have my own kids I too find myself drawn to those roadside budget lodgings but I know to always keep a can of bug spray handy and look for one with a heated pool. So if you’re ever on Lost Highway I suggest Big Marge’s Sunset Motel. The Sunset has clean rooms, great rates, and the morning coffee will put hair on your chest. Marge is proof of that.

Bloody New YearSpeaking of hotels you don’t want to stay overnight at. The Grand Island Hotel in “Bloody New Year” redefines the term “tourist trap.” A group of middle aged looking British teens after a long day of harassing carnies crash their sail boat on a remote island. There they find a strange Bavarian looking hotel seemingly abandoned and hastily decorated for a New Years party. Turns out an experimental government plane took a nose dive on the island back in the 50’s creating this sort of time rip in space where the dead are stuck haunting the hotel. Sorta like the line at Secretary of State only for the undead so rightfully the spirits there are a bit cranky. At first things seem pretty normal, maids service is sporadic, beds get turned down mysteriously. There’s also open bars and peeping toms, but nothing you wouldn’t otherwise expect at your Hotel 6. Unfazed the soggy group find some vintage clothes left over from a Happy Days rerun to change into and proceed to investigate the rest of resort. Downstairs there’s a B-movie marathon playing on a makeshift theater showing a much more interesting “Attack of the Brain Stem” film but then they cut over to some lame home movies of the hotel instead. “Bring back the brain stems!”

Things do liven up a bit when an Arabian sheik fresh from the set of Aladdin leaps out of the screen and kills Spud “I’m Alrighta” with a scratch to the face. A good reminder to always wash your hands! This horrifying event doesn’t seem to affect the rest of the group which range from apathy to boredom “Oh bullocks Spud’s dead… maybe we should wrap him in tinfoil and poke holes in him.”

The group wisely decide to split up to make the killing go more quickly  Tom and his girlfriend head off to investigate a nearby beach house and try to get in some nooky time. Once inside they they get attacked by a malevolent fish net and a demonic end table that they impale with a fish hook. If only they had learned early on the true horrors of Red Lobster decor!

horror hotelMeanwhile Rick and his girlfriend head down to the beach front for some afternoon clam digging but are soon drawn to mysterious sounds of laughter in the nearby woods. The sound gets louder as they approach the center of the island and find themselves in an arborist nightmare of giggling trees and laughing shrubs. The chia-pet demons start dive bombing them so they run out of there faster than Mark Wahlberg in a crappy Shyamalan film. They end up at at crash site of vintage WWII action plane where a zombie pilot’s head explodes and ruins Rick’s stylin suit jacket.

But then things get weird…

Like a Scooby Doo episode the carny gang from the mainland appear on the island fresh from their rowboat workout to terrorize those darn meddlin’ kids. People start turning into fondue faced zombies and  carnies get their heads ripped off like twist caps on soda bottles. There’s disappearing maids, dandruff storms, elevators that soak up patrons like big bounty towels and there’s evil furniture banisters with Kung-Fu grip. I think I might have hallucinated that last part but I swear at one point they get attacked by ping pong balls and ride a billiards table like a surf board in a zombie disco. These are just some of the many amenities you too can enjoy at the Grand Hotel island!

The guest list dwindles down as most of them now are Demonites under hotel management. Rick and his girlfriend not wanting a bad case of bed hair or getting disemboweled battle their way back to shore to find the getaway rowboat. Will they discover the secrets of Grand Island? Will they escape the ghosts evil clutches? Was Mr. Bean the only thing funny to ever come out of Britain? All this and more can be answered in “Bloody New Year.”

I was half expecting Bloody New Year  to just be another run of the mill holiday themed slasher but it turned out to be a fun little creepfest with some obvious nods to The Shining..well except without all those pesky things like plot or acting to get in the way. Retroman Says check it out “and be sure to bring a clean pair of Alan Whickers you bloody land lover, or I’ll box yer blimey ears you bugger. Gots No time for Rumpy Pumpy!”

“ohhh Bullocks.”

roadside attractions

  • 1 exploding zombie pilot
  • 1 shotgun zombie blast and dismemberment
  • 1 neck corkscrew
  • 2 banister demon Muppets
  • Carnival boat parades
  • Peeping tom ghosts
  • Multiple arm choppings
  • Paranormal furniture movers
  • Invisible bed turnover services
  • Sheik scratch fever
  • End tables demon possessions
  • Laughing bushes
  • Death by boat propeller
  • Attacking fish nets
  • Gut punching
  • Killer ping pong balls
totals

9

blood
BLOOD

plenty of dismemberment

7

blood
BREASTS

Not much nudity to keep the horndogs interested.

9

beast
BEASTS

plenty of zombified island guests and ghostly ghouls.

8.2 OVERALL
dripper

Check out the trailer for “Bloody New Year”

trailers

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Dec

posted by admin | December 24, 2010 | Feature, Grindhouse, Holiday films, Review by Barry Goodall

Comments Off on A Chuck Brown Grindhouse Christmas

Chuck Brown

It’s a bleak Christmas eve day on the grimy snow covered streets of New York. Chuck Brown, a mofia middleman and his head goon Linus, are discussing their Christmas shipment coming in from Ontario. Chuck just got back from seeing his sister Salley, who was in the middle of writing a letter to her new Jamican boyfriend upstate. A pimp she calls “the big red man.” She’s been trying to extort some money from him for back child support despite the fact her baby is Korean. The shipment is running a few hours late and that’s got Chuck a bit nervous. Even his usually playful beagle Snoop, seems agitated. “Fresh snow, pure cut, dem’ boys better get it here soon or we’ll be breaking some legs for sure.” Chuck complained to a somewhat agitated Linus who was fidgeting with his favorite hankerchief. “Yeah Mr. Brown, we stand to lose a big chunk of change if it don’t show.” he said as he fumbled with the linen cloth between his fingers. “Patty said it would be here, then it’ll be here. She’s never done me wrong before.” replied Chuck sounding as if he was trying to convince himself more than Linus. “What about that time she crashed your Thanksgiving party uninvited and drunk. They don’t called her Peppermint Shnapps Patty for nothin.” Linus smugly retorted. Chuck waves his hand and is if to shrug off the bad memory. “Hey, she’s a recovering alcoholic, she was off the wagon. The food wasn’t no good anyhow.” He sharply said then Chuck grabbed Linus by the collar ” she’s good people and stop fidgeting with that hankerchief Linus you’re bothering me.” Chuck pushed him back against the wall but he continued to stroke the hankerchief like a favorite pet.

Just then a homeless man covered in dirt from his scragily hair down to his rain boots came stumbling through the warehouse door reeking of old trash and whisky. They immediately recognized the odor before evening seeing the face. “Pig Pen, you gots a lot of explaining to do!” Chuck snapped at him while covering his mouth from the foul odor. The man hastily walks towards the two and puts a tattered duffle bag on the table trying to catch his breath.”Sorry Mr. Brown, got stopped by the cops about two blocks back. They didn’t search me luckily, just told me I could get a bath at homeless mission on 42nd street. Guess they don’t like my aftershave.” he joked. “But I ran all the ways here honestly. I didn’t mean to be late.”

Linus abruptly grabs the duffle bag from Mr. Pen and cut open up one of the ziplocks  baggies inside. He gave it a taste with his pinky finger and  yelled over to Chuck. “It’s pure snow Mr. Brown.” and then puts the bag on table next to Snoop, who sniffs at the pouch a few times. “Of course it is, have I ever let you down?” Pig Pen said while trying to keep his distance from the dog. Chuck gently pats the beagle on the head trying to calm his attack dog down as he stuffs the ziplock bag back into the satchel. “Ya know Pig Pen my dog can smell a liar. He’s got the nose of a blood hound. Looks to me like a bags gone missing.” Chuck pushes Pig Pen across the floor. “Take Mr. Pen outback and show him what we do to people that try to steal from me.” Linus drags back Pig Pen in a headlock kicking and screaming leaving a trail of grim across the warehouse floor. Some other henchmen who are doing some target practice in a small target range in the back muffle his screams for help.

“I don’t know Linus. It’s just hard when you have to stuff a dead guy in the trunk next to the christmas presents.” Chuck is sitting with Linus at a small coffee shop stirring his lukewarm coffee. Most of the patrons have headed for home to start their Christmas celebrations.
“Kinda ruins the spirit of the holidays ya know? Somedays I just wanna get out of the family business especially this time of year.” Chuck sighs as he glances out a side window towards an abandoned parking lot where kids are sliding around on some ice that the salt trucks missed. “Mr. Brown you used to love this time of year. I remember when you dressed up as Santa that one Christmas eve and then we knocked over Franklin’s strip club…what was the name of it?” Linus Said. “The Eager Beaver.” Chuck answered. “Yeah I liked it when Franklin kept screaming “No Santa! no Santa! please not the fingers!” and then you said “you’re on my naughty list!” Linus laughed to himself. “I bet his wife was surprised by the gifts in her Christmas stocking that year.” Chuck lets out a long sigh. “Yeah, those were the good times Linus. good times.”

Chuck Brown

Later that day, Chuck is at his weekly meeting with his psychologist, Lucy Van Pelt, hoping she’ll help get him out of this holiday funk he’s been in lately. She’s one of the more expensive doctor’s in town but she knows how to keep her mouth shut if the cops ever come snoopin’.  “I think you could use some time off, maybe helping the community. Might do you some good to give back a bit.” She scribbles some notes on her small pad not really paying much attention to what Chucks been saying much of the time. She just likes that he pays well and she’s got pretty extensive shopping list this year. “Forgetta about it…I give back plenty…that one guy Woodstock? Yeah he was hocking stolen goods in my neighborhood and dressed up like a big yellow bird…what a fruitcake. I took care of that situation.” Chuck proudly stated. “He wasn’t selling stolen goods Chuck, he was giving out samples from the Big McCluck Chicken Roost diner opening. You shot him in the foot and then rolled him down a hill in a Lincoln.” Lucy retorted. Chuck glanced back at her from his reclined couch. “Yeah, like I said. I took care of the situation!”

Lucy sighs and puts down the notepad to face Chuck obviously a bit agitated.  “Listen, there’s a little holiday dance going down at the community center on Christmas Eve. Well it’s more of a rave but still, I think you should help out. It’ll be a good thing for you and will help get you back in the holiday spirit.”

At first Chuck shrugs it off, but the more he thought about it that afternoon walking back to his upper eastside townhouse, the better it sounded. “What a great alibi” he thought. He had a big heroine shipment coming in Christmas eve hidden in the hollowed out trunks of some plastic Christmas trees that he could have delivered directly to the center. Nobody would suspect a thing and that rave would have plenty of eager customers if he needed to move things quickly. The night of the dance the place was rocking. Christmas lights hung across the gymnasium ceiling beams blinked in time with the music as the new psychobilly punk band Shroedder and the Syphallus  eSpots were blasting out some ear pounding tunes. Most of the people at party had some sort of tie or buy-in with the mofia. The mayor’s daughter, city council members kids..all the kids whose parents paid for rehab and that never showed. Chuck was dressed in his best suit and was doing his typical meet and greets. He was quite well known in social circles. It was a fun night but the thoughts of those fake trees with the hollow trunks kept Chuck on edge. Linus was at the microphone giving a speech and about the spirit of giving in the community. “What a hypocrite” Chuck thought to himself “Linus would stab me in the back the first moment he got.”

There was a toast to the Brown family and a dedication to Chuck’s 98 year old grandmother a rather frail woman who lived outside the city just over the hills and through the woods. Chuck excused himself after the speech and ducks into the back loading docks to meet the arriving shipment. The truck slowly backed up near the door beeping all the way. It was like jingle bells to Chuck’s ears. He anxiously opens the sliding door of the truck but instead of finding a mass amount of fake trees. there’s only one pathetic bonsai tree sitting alone in the middle of the truck. A single red christmas ornament dangeling from it’s top pines needles. “What the heck is this? These aren’t my trees…this is a flippin’ twig? Is this a joke, do I look amused?” Chuck glanced around as if to see who might be the culprit or perhaps the trees were just hidden. The driver came to the back of the truck and looked into the cab, simply shrugging his shoulder “Listen buddy, I just deliver the shipment. I don’t ever know what’s in the truck. That’s between you and Patty.” Chuck took out his pistol and pointed it at the driver “Listen tell your boss that my boss ain’t going to be happy and when he ain’t happy people end up dead.” Chuck was the go to guy since he was the only one that could understand his bosses strange indonesian dialect over the phone where all the deals were made. It sounded like muffled jibber-jabber. 5 years in Cario really did pay off for Chuck’s career in crime.

Reaching down he grabs the scrawny tree by it’s trunk lifting it up and then abruptly smashes it to the  ground. “I can’t believe this…that shipment was supposed to worth 1000’s of dollars and all I got was this tiny lousy shrub?” He tosses the small plant to the corner of a concrete slab near the back door “This is the worst Christmas ever.” and walks back to the party in disgust.

A few minutes later, a group of Chuck’s henchmen come out looking for him but noticed the bonsai lying in a mound of dirt. Marcie who does occasional odd jobs for Chuck bur is also a part-time horticulturalist bends down in her orange evening gown near the plant. She adjusts her glasses a bit as she looks over its twisted branches. “Do you realize what this is? It’s a rare Japanese 5 needled pine juniper!” she exclaims. “uh…does that mean it grows fruit?” one of the henchman asked.  “No you moron, but it’s easily worth $100,000! If we sold this on the black market we’d make a killing.” She quickly gathered the tree back into the pot and mends one of it’s broken limbs then carefully she prunes it with her key ring shrub trimmer. “There all done…it’s not really such a bad looking tree. It just needed a little love.” Marcie said as she carefully places it onto a nearby bench. Chuck returned back outside thinking he may have lost his keys in his little tantrum. “What’s going on here!!!” yelled Chuck pointing at the small shrubery “Chuck, this little tree is worth over $100,000’s. We saved it for you!” Marcie quickly sprays the plant with a pocket mister she just happens to have for such occasions. “Hey look there’s a card attached.” one of the henchmen points out. Marcie hands the card to a puzzled looking Chuck. He opens it. It says “Merry Christmas Charlie Brown, Hope you’ll forgive me for Thanksgiving…Love Patty.”

Chuck glances at the card and then at the tree and begins to get a bit misty eyed. “That Patty she always knew how to find the perfect gift. This Christmas didn’t turn out so bad after all. I think I’ve really learned to value what matters now. ya kknow, what Christmas truly means. I think I can finally tell the boss I’m quitting.” he proudly states to all his henchman as he lifts the small tree in his arms. ” But Mr. Brown, what about the drugs?!” asked Linus. Chuck paused looking down at the little tree. It’s single ornament glittering happily back at him. “Oh make no mistake I’m still going to break her legs as soon as I get opportunity. But I do appreciate the sentiment.”

Epilogue; Mr. Brown was arrested two weeks later on possession of stolen Japanese property from the U.S. Nationa Bonsia Foundation. He pled not guilty in exchange for testiomony against Peppermint Patty who was extradited from Canada. She was running an illegal pharmacutical manufacturing company. Her partner Marcie, was also arraigned in a federal court on marijuana growing and distribution. Mr Brown is now in witness protection as a high school football coach and runs a small bonsai tree shop somewhere outside Newark.

Nov

posted by admin | November 27, 2010 | 80's movies, Action, foreign, Review by Barry Goodall, Sci-Fi

Comments Off on “Lady Terminator” Rest Stop Review Edition

Lady Terminator

It's a 5 gun salute of b-movie cheese.

The queen of the ocean has been snagging and bagging guys back in her indonesian castle. Of course, no man can satisfy her so she kills them all mid-act by chomping off their twig and berries. Her years on the thigh master finally paying off. A former scandnavian weight trainer shows up to try to satisfy her but after a long night of ardvarking he removes a snake from between her legs that turns into a dagger thus vanquishing her to the ocean for 100 years. I think that’s same sex ed video they showed in catholic school. She vows she’ll return for revenge on his great granddaughter but only if she’s a Sheena Easton wanna-be in leg warmers. As luck would have it, a 100 years later it’s the 80’s and a self proclaimed anthropologist Tania (Barabara Ann Constalbe) is researching ocean queenology. Sadly it’s her college major and she has a paper due. She finds a books from a creepy old Mr. Miyagee that tells her the location of the dagger is just off the coast so they set out for scuba diving and some boatside swimsuit modeling. The boat is wiped out by a surprised tidal wave and she is held captive in a secret underwater cave by a frisky Craftmatic mattress until she posseseed by a snake eel. The worse first date ever.

She emerges nude from the ocean as the newly crowned queen demon but now with built in eye lazers and a hunger for blood. She bags a few beach bums and tasers them just before trading her thigh master in for some leather pants and a machine gun. Tani-terminator goes on a murderous killing spree wiping out just about everybody. Erica (Claudia Angelique Rademaker) is the bad pop singer she’s been trying to kill that’s been wearing her magic amulet. Fortunately for Erica the ocean queen has bad aim and walks pretty slow due to restrictive hot pants. A dimwitted cop tries to protect her from her  spandex driv-e bys but ends up getting most of the police force and some mall walkers wiped out instead.

Plenty of 3B’s and yup even nudity  in this one, which is surprising for a movie out of indonesia. Guys there are more likely to get excited seeing exposed ankles. Roadside Attractions:  Multiple shagging deaths, electric eyeball tasers, car crash and burns, helicopter explosion, road rage, eye popping, cop tossing, death by shopping, burnt bimbo netting. Retroman says hunt down a copy and don’t forget to wear your hot pants.

“Jack and I have seen more dead bodies then you have hot dogs so shut up and eat!”

trailers

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Looking for hard to find cult movies and unreleased DVD’s of some vintage b-movies then check out www.superstrangevideo.com. They provide many of the movies we review here at the site and will give you a great price on whatever film you’re trying to track down.

Nov

Comments Off on “Humanoids from the Deep”

humanoids from the deep

“Humanoids from the Deep” or when “good fish go bad” is your typical story of goldfish meets girl, goldfish falls in love , girl harpoons fish ending a short torrid affair. Get Rob Reiner to direct and throw in Matthew McConaughey as the misunderstood gill man and you’ve got yourself a blockbuster.

The town of  Noyo is just about to open a cannery despite the rash of recent dog homicides and the protests of a lone Indian, Johnny Eagle. After a long speech about littering, a very drunk Slattery (Vic Morrow) shows up to give Johnny and his dimwitted friend Tommy a smack down at the town dance. humanoids from the deepHe also follows them to a secret tribal meeting about stopping the cannery and putting up casinos as far as the eye can see. This infuriates Slattery, so he and his goons do a boat-by Molotov cocktail bombing just as someone inexplicably yells out “cornbread!” Yes cornbread, the source of all tribal hostilities since 1872.

A slimy sea creature crashes the party killing anybody not wearing a plaid shirt in a sailor vest. Then it hitches a ride on a pickup truck that goes Kamikaze off the side of a bridge exploding into a ball of flames. Free fish fillets for everyone.

Soon even more fish men are roaming the neighborhoods peeking in windows and stalking potential shower victims. Kids on the beach start showing up dead or getting assaulted by slimy mutants with Gordon fish sticks despite spring break still being months away. A stunned ventriloquist dummy is the only survivor, but he ain’t talking.

Dr. Susan Drake arrives in town after discovering her genetic salmon experiment maybe causing all the ruckus. She’s not only a renowned fish scientist, avid photographer but also holds the state record for eating the most clam chowder.  Susan takes provocative  pictures of skeletons in funny poses and gives a power point presentation on how the slime ball mutants are just genetically altered tadpoles that ate bad seafood. Johnny, Susan and Jim (Doug McClure) take out a fishing charter to try to hook some of the deep sea mutants to study back at the lab. They find a whole school of them sunbathing on the beach doing their best Joe Cocker impersonations. With fish rifles in tow they wipe them out pretty quickly,(it’s just like shooting fish in a barrel) and discover one of the surviving girls resting in a nice seaweed spa wrap. She’s also just been impregnated with one of the mutant fish spawns giving whole new meaning to the phrase “the seafood lover in you.”

humanoids from the deepEveryone heads to the salmon fish festival that night which of course turns into a bloody massacre. Hordes of horny fish men show up killing town folks, knocking over corn dog stands and basically ruining a perfectly good night of polka music. Still, despite all the maiming and mutant assaults it’s still a pretty tame party as far as New England fish festivals go. Nobody even got shanked for a halibut.

Susan figures the best way of getting rid of the fish men is to deep broil them with some zesty lemon seasoning so she douses everything with gasoline and torches it up with a flame thrower. It kills all the fish men and in the process destroys most of the docks and the towns fishing industry…. but the smell is delicious.

Roger Corman continues his winning streak of making b-movies that give us plenty of beasts, breasts, and blood. He even throws in a subplot about industrial espionage just for a distraction between all the bouncing beach melons and mutant shagging. Retroman says “go fish” but be sure to leave your ventriloquist dummy at home. They’re well known to attract mutants.

roadside attractions

  • Flammable fish fillets
  • Seaweed breasts
  • Amish boat drivers
  • Face-chowing, extreme plaid
  • Monster-beach bingo
  • Shisk-a-dogs
  • Hawaiian shirt-fu
  • Exploding boats
  • Horny fishmen
  • Emergency mutant c-sections
totals

9

blood
BLOOD

Fountains of it, gushing like an oil well in the 1850’s.

9

blood
BREASTS

Shoot I lost count. It was hard to keep up. I guess I’ll have to watch it again.

9

beast
BEASTS

More horny mutants than a frat house during rush week.

9.2 OVERALL
dripper

“Visit Noyo, a nice place to visit but don’t bring your poodle!”

Check out the trailer for “Humanoids from the Deep”

trailers

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