Archive for the 'Review by Barry Goodall' Category

May

posted by admin | May 30, 2010 | Review by Barry Goodall

Comments Off on Happy Memorial Day from Lost Highway.

We hope everyone has a great Memorial Day Weekend. We’ve compiled a list of safety tips in order to ensure your day at beach, cabin or camping trip is a safe and relaxing one.


beach trip memorial day

Beach Safety Tips

1. Avoid getting cuts. The blood in the water attracts sharks and genetically enhanced piranha.

2. Never travel out to the deeper water by yourself….especially if you’re naked and it’s late at night.

3. Avoid beaches near radioactive toxic waste dumps. You’ll have mutants (ants, fish, crabs, etc)

4. Never go sailing. Sharks are notoriously attracted to sailboats full of laughing teenagers.

5. If an eerie glowing fog suddenly appears..then leave. It’s full of vengful ghosts or cross dimenional monsters.


camping memorial day

Cabin Rules

1. If you discover an ancient book bound in human flesh don’t read from it outloud.

2. The cabin may contain a flesh eating virus so bring handi-wipes.

3. Bring an axe, shotgun, and a chainsaw for those pesky demons, also garbage bags for easy clean up.

4. Don’t investigate the cellar if you hear noises or send down the friend you like least.

5. Avoid the woods. They’re likely possessed or are full of redneck cannibal mutants.


Memorial day Crystal Lake

Camping Safety Tips

1. Pay close attention to stories told around the campfire about  a little boy who drowned in the lake. It’s probably true and he’s back for his revenge.

2. Avoid having sex or playing hard rock music. You’ll likely be killed by a masked psycho faster than you can say “I’ll be right back”

3. Don’t stand outside the cabin watching your friends fool around. Remember that peeping toms get the hatchet first.

4. Don’t hide in the tool shed. This is a buffet of killing.

5. Ladies don’t wear high heels. You’ll be chased in the woods a lot and likely tripping for no reason. Pack some good sneakers instead.

May

Comments Off on Dead End Drive-in: Rest Stop Review Edition

rest stop reviews

We’d like to introduce you to a new format for this and some future movie reviews. We call them Rest Stop reviews. They still have that same great snarky taste but with 50% less filling. That’s right it’s environmentally friendly blogging, and you’ll still feel like you’ve gotten a chance to stretch your legs, and empty your bladder. We’ll have more in the upcoming months but in the meantime enjoy our first Rest Stop Review of the 80’s Australian cult-film “Dead End Drive-in.” Let us know what you think, and be sure to grab yourself a snack in the vending machine on your way out.

Is that the lead singer from the Cure?

In “Dead End Drive-in” Australia shows us their continuing obsession with the  apocalypse even without Mel Gibson to save the day. The world is in economic ruin, the only lucrative business is fender bender scavenging, and everyone eats Hormel chili out of cans. A weasely little man named Crabs “cause’ that’s what his momma caught” and his dimwitted girlfriend Carmen, steal his brother’s 56 Chevy for a night out at the drive-in. Turns out the drive-in is just a disguised concentration camp for vagrants, the unemployed and new wave punks… sorta like Denny’s but with electric fencing.

Carmen shows off her fruit baskets to Crabs and pretty soon they’re doing the backseat rumba like horny koalas while the cops are stealing their tires. The next day they find themselves trapped in the drive-in with 100’s of renaissance festival rejects and all the snackshop food you could ever eat. Crab doesn’t see much of a future in professional loitering so he makes an escape plan even though Carmen would rather sit around eating banana fritters and look like a homeless Pat Benatar. She’s got a few Kangaroos loose in the top paddock if ya know what I mean. Crab steals a truck during a Klan rally and  goes postal shooting up the place and driving over homeless shanties right before he does an evil Knievel off the top of a truck ramp. Multiple car crashes with explosion, red underwear of terror, drive-in hit and runs, snackshop shoot out, tow truck stunt spectacular, Cricket bat head bashing, and extreme red Speedos. The only thing missing was Olivia Newton in leg warmers and maybe a Crocodile Hunter or two. Now there’s an 80’s Australian film I’d like to see. Retroman says take this movie for a walkabout but be sure to bring a spare tire.

trailers

dripper
May

Comments Off on Burnt Offerings

Burnt Offerings

What is the appeal of Disneyland? Is it that giant squeaky voiced rodent that doesn’t wear a shirt or the duck with the speech impediment that wears no pants? Personally, I find the whole thing a bit too “greasy guy in a van with candy” creepy. I blame Epcot Center. It’s Disney’s 1984 version of our supposed current future world where everyone owns a jet pack, and has a time share on a space station. Well, I still haven’t gotten my jet pack or personal robot assistant but now I can shop from the comfort of my underwear, and watch re-runs of Frasier anytime on my computer. That is technological progress! They also have multiple countries crammed together just begging to break out into wars over boundary disputes. I also vaguely remember there was also a Dinosaur exhibit ride sponsored by Exxon which screams irony. At any  moment you’d expect one of the dinosaurs to start talking about how it’s decaying corpse is what fuels your Honda Civic for late night Hot Pocket runs. That gives me hope someday Barney will be liquefied and used to power my weedwacker. Long lines, hot and sticky Floridian weather and expensive bad food sum up the Disney magical experience. But count yourself lucky, at least your not the guy in the giant goofy costume getting kneed in the groin by a disgruntled dwarf. Well, unless you’re into that sorta thing.

Speaking of bad vacation spots, Oliver Reed, and Karen Black play the perfect odd couple who decide to rent a mansion in the deep south, and this time there’s no slave traders or people breaking out into old man river song. They bring along their whiny son, and geriatric aunt played by Betty Davis, apparently she was still alive and acting…or at least one of the two from what I could tell.

Burnt Offerings

The eccentric owners played by Burgess Meredith, and Eileen Heckart like the couple’s lack of common sense, and give them a great deal on the rental fee, only $900 for the entire summer. That includes water, electricity, and free demonic possession with the rental deposit. The only stipulation is they have to babysit their old mother who lives in the attic, and occasionally toss her some table scraps. After a few weeks of living the plantation lifestyle Karen Black’s character, Marian starts dressing in prop costumes from the 1800’s. She has bouts of crying over broken punch bowls, and in general gets creepier, and creepier as the movie progresses. She’s sorta got that sexy “just stuck your cat in the microwave” look going on.

Ben (Oliver Reed) tries best to contain his inner Shatner but instead takes his frustration out on his son Davie with a good old game of dunk the kid in the dirty pool water. The kid narrowly escapes when he smacks him in the nose with some scuba gear, and flees to his room to cry in his big Davey Jones pillow.

Marian’s OCD kicks into high gear with her obsessive house cleaning, and picture frame arranging, and her son nearly asphyxiates in his bedroom from a leaky gas heater. Ben busts in the door just in time, and dangles Davie out the window for a little breather. Poor Betty Davis she gets blamed for the whole thing, as if they didn’t see “What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?” Pretty soon everyone is beginning to go a bit looney tunes. Ben starts hallucinating about leering chauffeurs doing drive by grinnings, and Betty Davis becomes a bed ridden invalid moaning like a stuck pig. Thankfully she gets put out of her misery when she gets offed by a freak coffin hit and run in her room. After a quick funeral, and some finger food Marian gets back to house cleaning. She doesn’t seem to be to at all bothered by the whole death by a demon chauffeur thing. Ben is just upset because she won’t give him any late night nookie down by the pool, and nobody can brood about sexual frustration like Oliver Reed can.

Ben wakes up the next morning to find the house giving itself a extreme home makeover. Roof tilings starts falling off in the rain revealing fresh new tiles, and old house siding gets ripped away for brand new paint. It’s the sorta thing that would make Ty Pennington all weepy eyed. “When your house is possessed always go with Sears brand vinyl siding.” While the house is under demonic renovation, Ben tries to escape with his son in their 70’s station wagon leaving Marian all alone upstairs with her creepiness.
Burnt OfferingsUnfortunately, the getaway is stopped short by some  possessed shrubbery at the end of the driveway which just goes to prove even Satan has malevolent landscapers. Marian catches up, and drives them back to the house since Ben has somehow got catatonic from the shock of the plant attack. They put him out by the pool in a lawn chair to drool, and watch Davie swim…badly.  Evil forces start making waves, and turn the pool into a death jacuzzi from hell but Marian dives in just in time to rescue her son from another potential drowning. With his dumb luck a chimney would probably end up falling on him too….uh…Oh wait that did happen.

As far as ghost stories go, this one isn’t too bad even if it was made for TV horror. You can see how this movie influenced “The Shining” with Oliver Reed as the poor man’s Jack Nicholson. The house itself is pretty much the star of the show. There’s a few other twists, and turns to enjoy…. like whose been eating the old lady’s TV dinners, What’s up with the evil grinning chauffeur or why does Karen Black have to be so gall-darn creepy? Is she cross eyed or somethin’? Retroman says check it out, and be sure to hire only licensed contractors for your chimney repair.

roadside attractions

  • 3 dead bodies
  • Dysfunctional family summer homes
  • Wave-pool-surfing
  • Chimney crushing
  • Poolside wrestlin’
  • Creepy chaufers
  • Bush-whacking
  • Betty Davis bloating
  • Extreme home makeover
  • Roof jumping with car belly flop
totals

6

blood
BLOOD

1 good roof dive with splatter

7

beast
BEASTS

the house and Betty Davis

3

blood
BREASTS

nothin’ nadda…not even creepy girl

7.3 OVERALL
dripper

Check out the trailer for Burnt Offerings

trailers

dripper
Apr

Comments Off on Halloween III: Season of the Witch

When I was 9 years old I went to a overnight birthday party at my buddy Dave’s house. We had the typical birthday activities during the sunlight hours, tag, kick the can, and army. We also consumed large amounts of sugar and caffeine… ya know to “keep us frosty if Charlie ambushed us.” At night we settled down in the basement for watching a movie on his vintage big screen TV.  His older brother had his girlfriend over and they decided we were all going to watch a horror film. Keep in mind the most scary thing I had seen up to this point were some old Gumby and Pokey episodes, so imagine my excitement, and fear when I heard it was “R” rated. It’s like being told you were being allowed to play with the big kids but they’re going out to play chicken with a train. So they slapped the VHS tape into that vintage  top loading VCR deck we began to watch “Halloween III: Season of the Witch.” Unfortunately I watched most of the movie while covering my face with the sleeping bag, but what I did see was forever etched in my psyche. To this day I still don’t wear a Halloween mask, and I always check the back for a Silver Shamrock badge…you know, just in case.

I decided recently to watch it again for the first time since then. I can’t imagine any parent letting a bunch of 9 year old kids watch this film but hey it was the 80’s. We drove giant cars with no seat belts, nobody wore helmets, and everyone ate steak with butter for dinner. So in honor of our website relaunch I bring you my review of my very first horror film. Also a big thank you to Davey’s big brother for helping turn me into the big twisted weirdo that I am today. Don’t worry Joey, I’m sure the recent charges won’t stick, and you’ll be making bale soon.

“Halloween III: Season of the Witch” decides to forgo any box office logic, and kick Michael Myers to the curb for this round of terror. After raking in the money with the first 2 films they decided on no Jamie Lee Curtis, no Donald Pleasence and no escaped psycho from the mental ward on vengeful killing spree. Nope, now you’ve got to worry about Halloween masks that turn your skull into jello mush ( just when I was getting over my fear of the rubber band masks snapping me in the eye.)

Halloween III: Season of the WitchTom “It’s my Diet Plan” Atkins plays Dan Challis a divorced doctor who likes impressing the ladies with his well formed mustache and plaid shirts. Late one night a stranger clutching a Halloween mask is brought into the ER shortly after nearly getting crushed by a K-car. He’s spouting gibberish about how everyone is going to do die, it’s the end of the world, about how Oprah foretold it. Unfortunately nobody listens and he gets his eyes gouged out by a Mormon in a rental suit… an apparent victim of poor health insurance. Dan chases the killer back down to his parked car where the guy drenches himself with gasoline and lights his polyester suit on fire. The cops later blame it as a drug induced suicide but is more likely from his deep shame of owning a Chrysler. Dan finds it all a bit too coincidental…a Halloween mask, Mormons, Chryslers.. it’s all obviously apart of an evil mass murder conspiracy that must be investigated. Dan’s investigative skill mostly involves him sitting at the bar watching TV and drinking beer at least until Ellie, the daughter of the recently eye gouged shows up. Remembering her from the hospital, he invites her to go check out the mask makers hometown. That’s a sorta creepy first date.

They drive out to “Santa Mira”  home of Silver Shamrock masks, where the leprechauns run free and  the shamrock milkshakes flow like wine.  The town folk are your typical Midwesterners… creepy, cold to the touch, and don’t take kindly to strangers. Ellie and Dan suspect there might be some shady dealings going on when a lady at their hotel gets her face burnt off by one of the mask’s electronic badges, a victim of botched home laser hair removal. The body is then whisked away in a corporate van by a gang of lab coats faster than you can say corporate lawsuit. Dan, and Ellie decide to visit the heavily guarded main factory outside of town where she was supposedly taken. Inside they meet the Bossman Mr. Cochran, a charming Irish grandpa type who surprisingly isn’t drunk but does have an insatiable thirst for death and pagan sacrifices. He takes them on a quick tour of the mask assembly line along with a family of annoying Corn Chuckers who eventually get locked up in a sound proof test room. The  mask the kid is wearing inevitably goes Chernobyl causing snakes and other icky things to crawl out of the kids noggin and kill the parents. It’s a Pepsi taste challenge gone horribly wrong.

Halloween III: Season of the WitchEllie is kidnapped later that night while back at the hotel and Dan gets the smack down by some robot thugs when he tries to save her. Mr. Cochran. In typical bad guy fashion explains his evil plans to Dan blabbering on about how they’re pagan druids chipping out demon pet rocks from a wedge of Stonehenge and they’re putting a little piece of that evil in each mask to sell to millions of kids. “We’re slashing prices on possessed mask and passing the killings onto you.”

Dan must escape the evil clutches of the corporate Cult so he can warn the rest of the world before a commercial plays that night triggering the masks kill switch. This would cause millions of kids heads everywhere to blow up like  pans of Jiffy Pop and who wants that cleaning bill.  Dan gets dragged, punched, kicked and covered in robot goo and eventually ends up tied to a chair and forced to watch horror movie marathons all night long…as if that’s some sort of bad thing. Nevermind about a few rugrats getting their heads liquefied, there’s a zombie marathon on!!

Having been a good 27 years since I seen this film it’s doesn’t really hold up on the scare meter as much as I remember but it’s still an impressive horror flick. Yeah, I know I’m in the minority on this one as a lot of horror buffs pan it as the worse in the Halloween series. Seriously? Did you see the one with Busta Rhymes? Also you’ll dig the amazing soundtrack from John Carpenter and Alan Howarth. Retroman Steve  says check it out and always store your druids in a cool dark place.

Who knew hospital crime scenes were such great places to meet chicks.

roadside attractions

  • 1 eye gouging
  • 1 ear drilling
  • Short circuiting kill-bots
  • Disembodied attacking hands
  • Snake cricket combo kill
  • Whine-o-neck snapping with blood gysers
  • Combustible robot Mormons
  • Extreme laser oral surgery
  • Druid Cultist Inc.
  • Vaporizing old guys
  • Robot grandmas
  • Bionic goo
  • Stonehenge rock carving
totals

7

blood
BLOOD

mask kills and robot goo.

6

beast
BEASTS

kill-bot Mormons in rental suits

7

blood
BREASTS

minus a point for Tom Atkin’s butt

8.3 OVERALL
dripper

Check out the trailer for Halloween 3: Season of the Witch

trailers

dripper

Mar

Comments Off on Lifeforce

There’re two certainties in life..death and taxes. And unless there’s itemizing going on in Hell, I suspect death is a bit less time-consuming. Yes, it’s tax season once again so that means it’s time to gather those crumpled receipts from the shoe boxes and try to remember how little money you had before you didn’t have any money. It’s kinda like you’re being forced to give a loan to that crazy uncle that says he needs the cash for groceries, but you know he’s just going to blow it at the race track, always betting on the horse with emphysema. Still you hope you might find a loophole somewhere and get some money back: “Could I actually write-off dog grooming?” “Is beer deductible?” “If I get my wife pregnant, can I claim the kid this year?” These are just some of the questions you might ask, but you can take comfort in knowing your cash will go to good use in the community. It will be invested in deserving projects such as the secret underground testing labs where they train monkeys how to open pickle jars. Large portions will go into technology investments like $12,000 coffee makers for Area 51, or eco-food preservation. Maybe they can finally fill in that big pothole they call the Grand Canyon with some of the money that’s left over. I’m counting my receipts and checking them twice because if the IRS Fairy ever does ever visit me at night, I want her to leave me a nice little tax return, and not pimp slap me and steal my wallet again.

lifeforceSpeaking of life-sucking vampires: Mathilda May may have induced many boys into puberty in the mid 80’s when she gallivanted around as a naked space vampire vixen in “Lifeforce.” A giant evil-looking space thistle is discovered in the tail of Haley’s Comet, and instead of just nuking it and asking questions later, a group of curious, dim-witted astronauts decide to go check it out. While inside they find a bunch of giant dead space bats floating around, and 3 naked people frozen in display cases. Is anyone in the crew mildly concerned for their safety yet? Nope. So they decide it’s an even better idea to haul the aliens back to Earth in their cargo hold.

Months later a rescue shuttle from Great Britain’s bustling space program is sent up to intercept the now adrift shuttle. Much to their horror they discover most of the crew burned beyond extra crispy. An apparent fondue party gone horribly wrong. Fortunately, the space nudists are still well preserved in their see-through tanning booths, and they swiftly get hauled down to London to be studied at a minimum security community college. Suffice to say alien shenanigans occur, as the formerly freeze-dried alien girl wakes up and starts making out with strangers, sucking out their lifeforce like soda through a straw. She then goes streaking through the hallways, distracting everyone with her space melons, only being confronted briefly by a security guard with the lure of a potato chip. No one can resist the fever for the flavor of a Pringles. Once free she goes on a London whirlwind hitchhikers tour of soul suck-i-tude, with her consciousness jumping around between bodies in an attempt to recharge her lifeforce batteries.

Meanwhile back in the lab, her first victim, now shrunk up like a used Capri Sun bag, gets up from the autopsy table and starts attacking the doctors to absorb their soul juice. Tom Carlsen (Steve Railsback), the only survivor of the doomed space crew, suddenly shows up back on Earth in a mercury escape capsule (he must have been stuck in traffic), and he’s debriefed by a NASA British agent, who learned that he has a psychic connection to the female alien. They decide to hypnotize him to learn of her whereabouts, because that’s what NASA does best. His unique powers give Tom a Google Earth street view of license plate #’s, and he soon learns she’s traveling with a poor sheep herder in a Volvo. It’s as if the DMV suddenly became omnipresent.

Lifeforce

Along with a Special Air Service operative and a wormy little doctor named Professor Fallada, they track down the partially possessed people, using them as a sort of compass to her main squeeze, a balding British doctor played by Patrick Stewart. They decide to pimp slap around Captain Picard for a while, and then pump him full of more narcotics than are in Mark Maguire’s butt cheeks, thus trapping the alien’s consciousness in his body. On a flight back to London, the space chick escapes via some nasty nasal discharge, materializing in front of them, and then crop dusting the whole of downtown London with her space vampire electric mojo. Warning: Side effects of vampire mojo may include dizziness, vomiting, and turning into an undead zombie who sucks out human souls.

Your typical zombie plague occurs, putting London in a quarantined war zone, while Caine and Carlsen race to destroy the source, and try to stop the vampire ship that’s attracting souls like flies to a bug zapper. It all leads up to a big showdown in a citadel with naked vampire chick, a Conan sword, and a whole lotta cheap special effects.

Tobe Hooper, after his little stint with “Texas Chainsaw Massacre”, decided to make this sci-fi/horror movie, and it never quite decides if it’s an alien film or zombie film. Maybe it’s just an excuse to have a lady walk around naked for a half hour. Either way it’s a win-win. Retroman Steve says check it out and remember, only store your vampires in official Gladware containers. They help avoid freezer burn and lock in freshness.

roadside attractions

    • Giant space thistles
    • Soul powered light beacons
    • Explodo vampire-zombies
    • Freeze dried space bats
    • Patrick Stewart pimp slappin’
    • Extreme sinus drainage
    • Multiple face suckings
    • Multiple impalements
    • Capri Sun soul bags
    • Death by flare pistol
totals

7

blood
BLOOD

blood fountains through nostrils

8

beast
BEASTS

plenty of zombies and space vampires

9

blood
BREASTS

half the movie is a naked vampire chick

9.7 OVERALL
dripper

Lost Highway is proud to partner with Crackle.com in providing you the ability to watch “Lifeforce” online for Free! Check out the link to launch the website and video.

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