Archive for the 'Review by Barry Goodall' Category

Oct

posted by admin | October 27, 2008 | Halloween films, Horror movies, Review by Barry Goodall

Comments Off on Lost Highway’s List of Must See Horror Movies for Halloween Night.

Well it’s that time of year again and the Lost Highway is out to get it’s fright on. Retroman Steve and Drive-in Dan compiled a list of 10 horror films you should check out for your Halloween season. You already know the typical top 10’s that includes Exorcist, The Shining, Carrie, Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, etc. These are some lesser known films that often don’t get the spotlight but are just as deserving to be in the Fright Club. So turn out the lights and spin up your DVD player for some great scares. Just remember the first rule to Fright Club…there is no Fright Club.

Retroman Steve’s Top 5

1. Event Horizon

This ghost story in space is so disturbing it still gives me the shivers if someone even mentions the word NASA. Sam Neil is an astrophysicist who is part of a rescue mission to salvage a spacecraft he designed that can travel the speed of light. Sorry Sam no dinosaurs to chase on this one. The unfortunate thing when you travel at speed of light you have to make a pit stop in hell so the rescue crew has to deal with space demons stowaways that like to mess with their heads. Space camp never prepared them for that scenario. Dark gritty and atmospheric this film will stick with you long after viewing.

 

 

 

 

2. [REC]

Who knew reading spanish subtitles could be this scary. A Television reporter and her camera man are filming a documentary at a fire station when a routine 911 takes them to an apartment complex. The apartment comes under quarantine trapping the tenants and film crew inside. Things go from really bad to even worse when they discover what’s lurking in one of the upstairs apartments.. It just goes to show that sometimes it worth breaking your lease early. Quarantine is in theaters now which is the Americanized remake but I prefer the original recipe to extra crispy any day.

 

 

 

3. The Entity

Barbara Hershey plays a woman that is repeatedly assaulted by an unseen spirit in her ranch style home as ghost hate stair climbing. After getting a doctor’s note that’s she’s not insane, she invites some ghostbuster’s wanna be’s over that nearly pee themselves when they see hovering lights over her bed. The only solution is to have her play barbie dream house in a high school gymnasium trying to freeze the ghost with a giant freeze gun. Based on a true story it’s got some genuine frightful moments but the final scene in this movie will chill you to the bone. Watch out for freezer burn.

 

 

 

 

4. The Others

Nothing creepier than being trapped in an old mansion with your overprotective mom. Nichole Kidman plays the obsessive mother in a family that is seeing strange things and hearing creepy noises in their home and no it’s not Tom Cruise and a gang of scientologists lurking in the hallways. The children live mostly in darkness as they have a rare skin condition in which they can’t be exposed to sunlight. A trip to Michigan in the winter would be ideal. Some great scenes that will make you jump and a twist ending you’ll never see coming. Well unless you watch another popular horror movie that has the exact same ending but what are the chances of that?

 

 

5. The Mist

When it’s the end of the world who would have thought the best place to hide is your local Piggly Wiggly? Just watch out for the religious cults forming in aisle 8. A struggling artist and his son take refuge in a grocery store as a strange mist descends upon their town. It’s filled with some nasties that are craving some folksy people snack food. Some great monster effects but the real monsters are some of people barricaded in the store who show you the dark side of humanity. A great b-movie with the most shocking ending I’ve ever witnessed in a film. It was pretty fun ride up to that point. After that you just want to crawl up in a ball and rock back and forth and try to think happy thoughts. Based on the short story from Stephen King it’s easily one of the best adaptations of his work in a long time. Foggy mornings will never be the same for me now.

Drive-in Dan’s Top 5

halloween 31. Halloween 3

Ditching the predictable slash by numbers routine of earlier installments director Tommy Lee Walace gives us an unexpected treat with this stand alone and unfortunately often ridiculed Halloween entry. The story starts when a mysterious factory complete with eerie green fog sets up shop in the small town of Santa Mira. The good news is you won’t have to worry about these novelty products containing lead paint as they’re made in the USA, not China, but something very sinister is going on behind the factory’s closed doors. It seems the CEO of Silver Shamrock Novelty corporation and renegade sorcerer Conal Cochran is upset that children don’t understand and appreciate the true meaning of the Druid holiday Samhain. So, he devises a deadly trick to punish the little offenders by giving away free Halloween masks inserted with microchips that are powered by an ancient Stonehenge artifact. The little kiddies are then instructed to wear their masks during a special commerical broadcast that turns these seemly cute and innocent masks into instruments of vermin oozing death. In fact there are enough creepy crawlies that the Orkin man would be cowering in a corner sucking and his thumb in a fetal position. Another added plus was having John Carpenter and Alan Holdworth back on board again to contribute a spine tingling electronic score for a film that already maxes out the creepy meter. Beware of the catchy Silver Shamrock commerical jingle that will stay in your head days after you have seen the movie.

 

 

2. PumpkinHead

Well, this one doesn’t involve the Peanuts gang or the Great Pumpkin, but it does have a vengeful guord from hell who lives in a creepy ole pumpkin patch that doubles as a graveyard. Late special effects genius Stan Winston in his first directorial effort gave horror aficionado’s a bag full of visual goodies with this masterful tale of backwoods revenge. Staring Lance Henriksen who Before joining the Millennium Group actually played a good guy for a change named Ed Harley who lives a humble life running a small roadside store with his young son, Billy. However, happiness quickly turns into sadness, then anger as he seeks revenge on some reckless city dwellers who killed Billy while they were performing EXPN motorcross style stunts. Overwhelmed by grief and desperation Mr. Harley with the help of a youngin’ from the Wallace clan tracks down an old family friend named Hagis who happens to be a witch. After some small talk about Harley’s soul being damned forever, the old hag follows a closely guarded secret family black magic recipe that starts with a mixture of the victim’s and conjure’s blood that when poured on the mummified remains reconstitutes the dried up demonic raisin like an evil Cup Of Noodles Soup. Once the transformation is complete this unholy killer is set loose to hunt down and destroy all wrong doers using it’s own wickedly delightful brand of dark justice. This movie is overflowing with so much creepy atmosphere that it will be seeping out of your pores. Renowned makeup artist Tom Woodruff Jr. (Aliens, Tremors) supplies some solid special effects work and created a truly cinematic monster for the ages that could rightfully stand next to any classic screen monster from the era of black and white movies. A great film to watch especially on Halloween either by yourself or with a group of friends.

 

 

3. Sleepy Hollow

Taking Disney’s animated short “The Adventures of Icabod Crane” into darker territory, Tim Burton puts his unquie visual stamp on Washington Irving’s beloved classic story. Tired of being the butt of so many headless jokes around the village campfire, The Headless Horseman ends his all expenses paid Hades vacation a little early to reclaim his missing noggin and to exact revenge on those who caused him to loose his head. Johnny Depp heads an ensemble cast of veteran actors and does a wonderful job at playing an 1800’s version of Inspector Clouseau who arrives at Sleepy Hollow a non-beliver but becomes a true believer after he uncovers the ghastly secrets behind the events that are terrifying this small isolated town. Contains a couple of genuine scares, several strong performances and some quirky visuals. This is Tim Burton’s first serious attempt at a horror movie and hit a home run with this film.

 

 

4. Hellraiser

From the typewriter to the director’s chair Clive Barker brings us a twisted story that will even make your nightmares want to keep the lights on. Based on Barker’s Books of Blood. If you thought being chained to a chair with your eye lids taped open while being forced to watch a Desperate Housewives marathon was torture, then you’ll feel a lot better when you see the horrors that the character Frank endures when he solves the Rubik’s Cube from hell that brings uninvited guests who are sporting fetish and bondage gear lead by demonic baddie Pinhead who has pain and pleasure on his mind. Give this one a view after you’ve sent all the little ghosts and goblins on their way with sacks stuffed with holiday treats or take it to a late night get together on Halloween to liven up a lame party.

 

 

5. Childs Play

Long before Chucky got hitched in Bride of Chucky and became a family man in Seed of Chucky, he was a single, wild man on the loose who became a dedicated student of the black arts and even mastered soul-transfering in record time. Known as the Lakeshore Strangler to his closest of friends, he earned this nickname because of the video game like high body count he would rack up during his brutal killing sprees. Filled with suspenseful scenes that are sure to make your heart race at times. Just make sure you haven’t chugged too many Red Bulls. As Chucky, Brad Dourif isn’t just an actor doing a character voice, he makes you belive he is actually a killer spirit living inside in a toy doll. Also, having a real actor portray Chucky inside a costume really made the character come to terrifying life along with some amazing puppetry effects (courtesy of effects wiz Kevin Yagher and Co.) that are so realistic they’ll make your skin will crawl. Hard to believe that it’s twenty years later, but all of the effects still hold up and would put the hokey visuals that most big budget releases proudly parade around to shame. This is easily one of the best killer doll movies in the toys gone wild without out batteries sub genre.

Oct

posted by admin | October 22, 2008 | Comedy, Cult Film, Horror movies, Review by Barry Goodall, Uncategorized

Comments Off on Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer



“His attempt to disprove the myth of eating Coca-Cola and Pop Rocks went horribly wrong.”

Road rage is all the rage these days. It seems the closer I get to Detroit the more the cars are packed in tighter together and the more irritable people get.  It unnerves me like being in an elevator with a bunch of stranger except without the added perk of body odor. You get in the lane moving fast and then it slows to a crawl meanwhile the lane you were just in suddenly become the Taladega expressway. Expecting a major pile-up of horrific carnage you finally see what people are gawking at  that caused the slow down to begin with. Just a couple empty boxes strewn across the shoulder of the pavement. No cones, no workers, no crushed cars with body limbs. Apparently the possibility that a menacing cardboard box may leap from the ditch at any moment brings traffic to a stand still. Much like a deer if you see one there are surely more to follow. The lady in front of you is taking on her cell phone and putting on makeup, filing paperwork, and is apparently delicately aligning a nuclear centrifuge system all from her car’s dashboard because she sure ain’t paying attention to the road. Then to top it off I let someone in and I don’t get the friendly hand wave back! the nerve! I let you in thereby saving you at least 30 seconds off your trip and you have the audacity to not return the customary friendly acknowledgement. Flashes of me slamming on the gas pushing their car into the guard rail like a scene out of Mad Max flash through my head, but I hold back the anger and viciously adjust my radio dial. Argh! all commercials except for Michael Bolton, That only boils my blood more.  Sfter slamming my fists on the steering and screaming at the top of my lungs I look around and notice that traffic has thinned out, the cell phone lady has friendly waved me in. Oh look the clouds have parted, a narrow beam of sunlight is guiding my way through traffic and Bobby Mcfarlane is even singing on my radio…eesh, why do people ever get so upset in traffic anyways. Thank goodness I’m not like that.

Did somebody call a plumber?Speaking of people with rage issues. Jack Brooks (Trevor Matthews) is not your typical plumber…a sort of Mario brother that lacks anger management skills. Ever since Jack witnessed the brutal slaying of his entire family on a camping trip by a bucked toothed grease monster he just can’t seem to deal with things constructively. Trips to Gander Mountain can definitely be crossed off his list of places to visit. Jack is seeing a physciatrist to help him with his uncontrollable urge to punch people. He’s also attending evening science class with his nagging girlfriend Eve to better his education. Eve, played by Rachel Skarsten, seems to be the only person who can single handidly wussify Jack with a couple choice words. This usually would take years of marriage to accomplish but Eve’s got it down pat. Robert Englund plays the class professor who invites Jack over to work on a mysterious plumbing problem at his creepy old mansion. A back-up pipe explodes as a result of Jack’s handy work unearthing a secret crate buried in his backyard. Typical contract worker, I’m sure he’ll charge extra for that too. 

Jabba lacks the charm of other Huts.Professor Crowley digs into the crate like a kid looking for the prize in a cereal box. He finds some skeletal remains, a lot of dirt, and of course a live beating heart (those are always the best prizes.) Not finding a organ donor card any other form of ID the professor suddenly eats the heart and becomes possessed by the spirit of an ancient demon. If only he had a hungry man TV diner instead. Even as a possessed drooling demonite the professor is still committed to the education system and heads to class. He’s a bit late though because he had to eat his dog on the way in. No need for a doggie bag, thank you very much. Once at class he starts burping, bloating and throwing up like a bulimic sorority girl at a frat party, that is until tentacles shoot out of his back grabbing students around the neck and turning them into blood thirsty monster through a tube of force fed demon goo. Jack and his girlfriend barely escape tearing out of the parking lot as fast as his old van will muster, but upon further reflection through a series of montage flashbacks Jack decides it’s better to fight than run to away like a little girly man. Pipe in hand and tool belt tightened, Jack heads back to the school for some monster killing therapy leaving behind his girlfriend for a hopeful mugging. Lots of monster head bashing and pipe smacking as Jack lets his inner rage go hog wild leading to the eventual big show down with the head monster.

Some great gorey effects that is straight out of a homage to some of the great 1980’s splatter films and a must see for fans of Evil Dead series. Jack Brooks is no Ash and lacks his witty charm, but if my toilet ever gets plugged up with netherworld demonites then I’ll know who to call. Retroman Steve says check it out but bring some liquid Draino and a plunger for those tough hair clogs. 

Roadside Attractions

-1 angry tribal cyclops
-1 girly pen
-Native tossing
-2 Doggie snacks
-Extreme plumbing
-Demon sinus vaporizing mist
-Tentacle lassoing
-Demon-goo beer bonging
-Monster head bunting
-Jabba the Hut look-alike contest
-Axe throwing
-Heart munching
-Obligatory creepy hardware salesman warning of doom

rated 8.6 out of 10 for the movie

See Jack run…run jack run.

See Jack smash monster with drain pipe…..smash Jack smash.

 

 

Check out the trailer for Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer

Sep

Comments Off on The Wraith

the wraith

“I can put my whole fist in my mouth. That’s how much I love you.”

 I used to do a lot of sketching back in junior high, since I had plenty of a thing they call “free time.” Mostly I’d draw zombies chasing cheerleaders or aliens with three boobs vaporizing gym teachers with their brain explodo-rays, but occasionally I’d like to draw cars of the future. I’d draw cool prototypes that would push the boundaries of car aerodynamics and practicality to whole new levels, all in my preparation for my inevitable GM takeover. I’d spend hours sketching my plans: I had a vehicle with built-in hover tires a la “Back to the Future”, so when traffic was heavy you could fly to the nearest 7-11; a big wing spoiler for fast getaways from the fuzz; and integrated side-view mirrors that the designers of the Ford Probe ripped-off from me before I could patent them.  It could also do 0-60 mph in three seconds, travel through time, and ran on a combo of vegetable oil and Diet Dr. Pepper. I haven’t gotten that vice president position at GM yet, but wait until someone “accidentally” electrocutes themselves on one these alien technology Chevy Volts. Then they’ll be breaking out the cans of Diet Dr. Pepper!  Electric cars–oh please. That’s so 1950’s. I think bigger. Cars that will cook your meals and give you full body massages; cars that display an LED middle finger to the guy tailgating you; or even hover cars for your pets!  Then my era of tyranny will begin (mad scientist laughter)!  In the meantime, maybe I’ll just do some mug sketches at the police station, or better yet, court room drawings. I bet those guys are pulling in some major bank.

In the movie “The Wraith” we get to see a prototype car brought to life from the kings of two-star crash test rating, Chrysler. Don’t worry, Chrysler lawyer guys, I haven’t found my old transformer sketchpad yet, so I can’t prove you stole my ideas. However, if you happen to leave a Dodge Viper in my garage, we can just call it even. Charlie Sheen plays 

Jake, the avenging spirit of a young man named James who was killed a few years earlier by the town’s one and only car racing, chop-shopping punk-rockin’ gang. Packard is their leader, who stabbed James when he caught him getting naked with his girlfriend, Keri. Perhaps Packard just saw the show “Two and a Half Men”, and that drove him to fits of homicidal rage.  Jake’s/James’ revenge weapon of choice is a Chrysler Interceptor prototype, except this car doesn’t run on unleaded–it runs on soul-sucking, netherworld power. It’s also indestructible and leaves its victims without their eyeballs and with a severe case of albinism.

Two of Packard’s gang members, Skank and Gutterboy (named that because their mommas didn’t liked them), and a Jimmy Neutron hair stylin’ Clint Howard are told to keep tabs on Keri, who’s been hanging out a lot lately with Jake since he stalked her at the quarry. When does Jake find the time for romance and quarry haunting with all the killing he has to get done? Gang members are picked-off one by one in various car races on the back roads near town, where the loser earns a head-on collision with the Interceptor in a fiery death of twisted metal. Yet each subsequent driver always feels like this time he’ll be the lucky winner and not end up engulfed in a ball of flames as his soul is siphoned off for the Wraith’s soul engine. The only thing that can stop the revenge Sheen-spree is Randy Quaid, the local inept law enforcement officer, and when he’s not spouting redneck Haikus, he’s roughing-up punk teens and trying to play catch-up to the death-mobile.  

Clint Howard

Packard has become more and more irritable as his gang membership dues are dwindling, so he kidnaps Keri, who unfortunately picked  the worst time to grow a spine and stand up to him with harsh words about his manhood and choice of hair gels.  Before Packard can man-handle Keri, the wraith car shows up for one final big race.  It kills Packard, and then James or Jake leaves the killer car with his brother, so he can drive off into the sunset with Keri on his unholy dirt bike. “Thanks, bro, for leaving me the car that every cop in the county is looking for.”

“Hey, it’s hos before the bros.” – Charlie Sheen

A great late-night 80’s sci-fi classic that used to play endlessly on TNT before Ted Turner went stone-cold bonkers.  While not on par with classics like “Gone in 60 Seconds” or “Vanishing Point”, it’s still a Charlie Sheen-tastic movie.  However, the real star of the show–in my opinion–is the cool-as-ice Dodge Interceptor.  I bet Charlie never thought he’d get out-acted by a car. I bet Charlie’s mom never thought he would act.

Roadside Attractions

-roller derby hooter girls
-fuel sipping punk rockers
-automobile shot put
-Randy Quaid-o-rama
-glowing leg braces
-Sheen-tastical stunts
-5 car explosions
-1 motorcycle chase
-redneck hot tubbing
-quarry beach sunbathing
-Chrysler teleportor/Onstar upgrade 

rated 9.1 out of 10 for the movie

“Can your drug-fried brain handle that, maggot?  Or have you been too busy pulling your insignificant pud to pay attention?”

Randy Quaid, your words are like golden nuggets of wisdom from heaven.  Little known fact, Randy Quaid also runs on a combo of vegetable oil and Diet Dr. Pepper.

Check out the trailer for The Wraith

Sep

posted by admin | September 19, 2008 | 70's movies, Grindhouse, Review by Barry Goodall

Comments Off on Black Mamma, White Mamma



“I only wear this shirt to distract people from my face. It’s my only defense.”

On some undisclosed island in the South Pacific, Pam Grier plays Lee Danier, an angry hooker in an evening dress who gets sent to a not-so-classy women’s reform prison in the middle of the jungle. Do not pass “Go”, do not collect $200.  There’s also Karen, played by Margaret Markov,who has likewise earned herself some prison time, due to her nasty habit of trying to instigate revolutions on communist islands. But she looks more like she barely escaped her last photo shoot. Karen and Lee don’t play well together, especially in confined spaces. So when they misbehave in the cafeteria, they’re forced to stand in a walk-in Easy Bake Oven out in the sun for the day as punishment. Fortunately we’ve got a non-stick cooking Pam as our star. The wardens are fed-up with having to break-up their catfights, which cuts into their group shower ogling time. So they chain the two together; make them wear yellow, prison issued mini-skirts; and send them on a bus trip to be interrogated. The bus ride comes to a quick halt, though, when Karen’s rabble-rousing friends attack the convoy. We know they’re revolutionaries because of the amount of their facial hair. The longer your mustache, the more you’re fightin’ “The Man.”

Lee and Karen barely escape into the jungle during the poorly planned rescue attempt, and are forced to hitchhike as nuns across the island and negotiate with oily, fat guys before stabbing them with a screwdriver. They sure make Catholic school nuns almost look tame by comparison. A corrupt cop is sent to track the nuns on the run, but only if he can break away from watching the local drunks play pool long enough. There’re also some hired thugs who are looking for Lee since she is one their prized hookers–their “best in show ho.” They inconspicuously drive around in a giant, decorated, clown jeep, blaring Mexican show tunes, possibly hoping for some women prisoners to just suddenly dart out in front of them, but instead they end up in pointless gunfights or wrestling around in their underwear with the locals. Not quite sure who’re the good guys and bad guys in this one, but I do know that hired thugs look particularly disturbing in baby blue western shirts.

Wouldn’t you think that would hurt your street cred a bit if you wore a shirt like that? Ruben is the head thug with the worst fashion sense, played by Rob Zombie’s favorite psycho, Sid Hag. He reminds me a bit of a local used car salesman, but without the charm and trustworthiness. “Come on down to Ruben Ford–free drug bribes for the kids!”

This is a good little exploitation film, light on the exploitation but heavy on the facial hair and gunfights. Also check out Pam Grier in “Coffy”, another great early blaxploitation movie from the 70’s. She’s all Coffy…without the caffeine.

Roadside Attractions

-Peeping Tom wardens
-chain chockin’
-convincts in a can
-jungle cat fights
-nuns on the run
-jump-starting hookers
-gratuitous use of a western shirt
-puppies with underwear hats
-21 breasts
-37 deaths
-multiple shootouts
-circus mercenary jeeps
-tempera paint blood splatters

rated 7.7 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for Black Mamma, White Mamma

Sep

posted by admin | September 2, 2008 | 80's movies, Horror movies, Review by Barry Goodall, Slasher, Slasher films

Comments Off on Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare

Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare
“Freddy’s worse fear? Missing an episode of “Desperate Housewives.” That’s why he upgraded his new glove with TIVO.”

You know you’re getting old when 9:00 PM rolls around and you’ve already started yawning. Your eyelids are getting mighty heavy while watching “Antiques Road Show”, and you’re pretty winded from trying to find your copy of Reader’s Digest in the couch cushions. That pretty much sums-up my late nights. How far am I away from a nice cup of chamomile tea and a warm seltzer bath with the sounds of Kenny G playing on my clock radio?  I sure miss those college nights when I could stay up all night watching horror movies and playing my Sega Dreamcast. I’d awake the next morning in my Lazyboy surrounded by Cheetos wrappers and empty Diet Coke cans, then bike it to class with no problems.  I’d just need a light nap during anatomy class to rejuvenate me for the rest of the afternoon. In a class hall filled with about 500-plus students, you’d find the back row was a inconspicuous place to curl up for a nice snooze. I think  half of the back row was still in their pajamas, anyway. Did you know there’re about a thousand bones in the human hand named after dead Latin saints? Neither did I, but I think that’s what I dreamed about as I faded out to the monotonous voice of our professor.  “Hey tell the guy down in front to pipe down, we’re trying to catch some sleep back here. Could ya dim those lights, too, while you’re at it? Thanks.”  Sure, I had the option to examine medical cadavers for some extra credit, but I was traumatized enough when my goldfish died, so seeing the pickled liver of pale Joe Average didn’t exactly appeal to me. The class was a well-needed rest even at $250 a credit hour; and yes, I know $250 per credit hour sounds cheap nowadays, but that was big bucks back then. We only had dial-up Internet, giant cell phones, our music was still on CDs, and we liked it that way.  I still think it was a wise choice taking the  passing grade with  in-class dreams of dead Latin saints riding around in go-karts on tracks made of pudding. Maybe I  should have skipped the BBQ pork-rinds the night before.

Freddy in OZSpeaking of weird snack-induced dreams, “Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare” is the conclusion to the popular Elm St. Franchise, or as I like to call it, “The Final Cash-in.” Our dream Host-with-the-Most returns to don his fedora and Christmas sweater for the final time. Nevermind the eventual “Wes Craven’s New Nightmare “ and “Freddy vs. Jason” films that were to follow. Freddy’s dead for sure…and this time, they mean it!

It’s been 10 years since Freddy’s last carnage. Springwood’s youth has been wiped out and property values are in the gutter, while most of the older residents have either left or gone crazy. Johnny, the last remaining teenager from Springwood, is having nightmares of air travel in coach and homicidal bus drivers, so he decides to head out of town on foot to avoid any mass transit problems. Johnny hits his head on a rock and gets a nasty case of amnesia and is dropped off at a nearby
town’s de-militarized youth shelter. There he meets up with Spencer, a stoner who has an uncanny resemblance to the “You’re getting a Dell, dude” dude; Tracy, a karate kickin’ PMS-in’ teenager with major Daddy issues; and Carlos, a partially deaf Ralph Machio lookalike with a gigantic
hearing aid from the 1970s. Watching Roseanne Barover all of them is Kim, their somewhat creepy youth counselor, whose main therapy involves taking them on weekend drives to towns inhabited by psychotic Roseanne Barrs and hyperactive Tom Arnolds. Perhaps the Springwood kids weren’t killed off–maybe they just left. Discovering the dreams of her past are intertwined with Johnny and the town, Maggie’s trip to Springfield is also her quest to discover the mysterious roots of her family tree,
and why she has flashbacks of watertowers and guys in ‘50s sweater vests.

freddy artThe town seems to have no way out, nor any Red Roof Inns, so they decide to crash at the always-open Elm St. house. While napping, Carlos meets his quick demise via a Q-tip impalement and a hearing test of torture with the sounds of scratching chalkboards. But at least Carlos’s earwax is no longer a problem. Spencer hallucinates on the couch and gets zapped into a videogame where Freddy is King Kuppa, and he’s a stoned Luigi who ends up having his chest stomped on like the ringer in an amateur wrestling match. Meanwhile, Johnny is yet again attempting sky diving lessons in his dream, but lands face-first on a
bed of nails from a faulty Freddy parachute. All this carnage is just part of Freddy’s bigger plan to move on to greener pastures outside the town of Springwood. After all “every town has an Elm Street.” Every town also has a Wal-Mart and Rite-Aid, so I’m not sure Freddy’s relocation would really bring that much more evil. Maggie and Tracy return to the youth shelter with fewer passengers, but they now have a local dream philosopher who has decided to take on Freddy on his own turf. By entering his own dreams and memories, they plan to bring him back into the real world via an extended bear-hug. Little did Freddy realize his greatest weakness was a nice, big hug… Oh, and a stick of dynamite slammed into his chest. KAAA-BOOOM! Freddy-bits everywhere.

Freddy’s dead…if the title didn’t already tell you so. Easily on par with “The Dream Master” in its zaniness. He is still a psychotic wise-cracker with lots of creative kills left in his bag of tricks. A fun little horror movie that offers up more goofiness than any real scares, but well worth checking out. Too bad they didn’t include the 3D glasses like they did with the original theatrical release, but you do get to see Johnny Depp get hit in the face with a frying pan. You’ll end up with an unhealthy fear of Q-tips, but at least you won’t fear pudding and go-karts like me.

Roadside Attractions

-death by airplane decompression
-hit-and-run transit authorities
-gratuitous map folding
-extreme ear cleaning
-Inagodadavida Freddy
-Roseanne Barr-zilla
-Freddy power-glove
-skydiving safety lessons
-frying pan-fu
-Alice Cooper smackdowns
-knife throwing exhibitions
-Super Mario’s World of Death

rated 8.7 out of 10 for the movie

You can WATCH THE WHOLE DANG MOVIE RIGHT HERE!

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