Archive for the 'Review by Barry Goodall' Category

Dec

posted by Barry Goodall | December 18, 2013 | 80's b-movies, 80's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Review by Barry Goodall

Comments Off on Return of the Living Dead 2

Ya know what sticks in my craw? That I can’t tell the difference between most of the Baldwin brothers. It’s like a family of doppelgangers. Sure we all know Alec was one of the dead guys on Beetlejuice who talked about his Schweaty balls a lot, but the heck if I can keep the rest of the family straight. I think There’s Stephen, William and…uh… Tito, Jose? They all just sorta blend together especially if you move your head really fast. It’s just a big blur of hair gel and sly grinning. Oh, I’m sure some of them made a good movie here or there, but you could drop any one of them in and switch them out like wiper blades. Nobody would even notice the difference. Heck, I’m not entirely sure that Alec isn’t just punking us into thinking he even has brothers. Maybe he just pretends to be one of them when he wants to play WORDS W FRIENDS on an airplane. Like the Baldwins, I feel much the same way about Return of the Living Dead films. The first one pretty much set the bar for the zomb-coms everywhere. I mean who can forget Linnea shakin’ her money makers on a tombstone, but the rest of the sequels are pretty much the same film over and over. In fact Return of the Living Dead part 2, even has the some of the same actors, James Karen and Thom Matthews. They still play two dimwits who whine about getting turned into brain eating zombies. Excuse me, that already happened in the first film! It’s like the casting director never got the memo that the entire cast getting wiped out in a nuclear blast.

Anyhow, this time around an army truck full of canned zombies accidentally bounces one out the back into 12 year old Jesse’s backyard. He and some neighborhood bullies pop one open causing some green gas to seep into the nearby cemetery. And like everyone knows, when you got green gas around tombstones you get zombies (though it does keep the weeds down.) The Undead break out of mausoleums and start clawing their way up throughout the dirt for a big zombie rave. Seems the only people it town that know about it are Jessee, his areobicizing sister and their cable installer but they all keep the hard thinking to a minimum. Meanwhile all the zombie folk have started brain munching up and down main street and eating runaway pets. A couple of grave robbers Joey and Eddy run into the gang who steal their van and decided the best course of action is to scream a lot and argue. They head to the hospital with their neighborhood doctor just as Joey and Ed begin to show signs of the zombie-flu. Joe eventually goes full on zombie and chases down his girlfriend to an empty church so he can eat her “spicy brains” because he “loves her.” it’s a very tender moment and a weird way to get engaged.

The remaining survivors try to lure the zombies with a hansel and gretel trail of brains bits back to the power station. Their plan is to hose them down and barbecue the dead folk like pulled pork sandwiches with the electric grid. It’s rare to see so many dead people harlem shake. ROTLD2 has Plenty of great f/x zombie action that make up for the cheesy slapstick including a girl punching a zombie through the face and a zombie getting cut in half and still managing a decent moonwalk. Highway honors go to Marsha Dietlein for uttering the great line “they’re ugly and they’re dirty and they’re dumb and I don’t even care if they are dead, they’re not touching me.” now that’s a girl with high standards. I’ll give this a 2 1/2 out of 5 brain pans anyways with an extra half brain pan for the Michael Jackson cameo. Barry Goodall says, dig yourself up a copy or just check out part 3,4,5…doesn’t really matter just don’t open up any more dang army containers.

roadside attractions

  • Areobicizing zombies
  • Stab through the chest
  • Face smashing
  • Severed heads
  • Screwdriver through the head
  • Mom chomping
  • Pet snacks
  • Severed hand jive
  • Shot gun to the groin
  • Half a zombie dance
  • Death by electrocution
  • Chin removal
  • Brain trails
  • Eye popping
  • Multiple screw driver impalements
totals

5

blood

BLOOD

lots of yellow puss and green goo but not much of the red stuff. Must be the embalming fluid

0

blood

BREASTS

None. This could be the first family friendly zombie film ever.

9

beast

BEASTS

100’s of zombies and a Michael Jackson impersonator.

7.2 OVERALL
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Nov

Comments Off on Return to Horror High

return to horror high

Crippen High school was once the home to some gruesome murders but the killer was never caught. 5 years later it’s believed he may still be wandering the halls, so what better place to film a horror movie? A crew and their sleazy producer (Alex Rocco) setup shop to film their little cinematic re-enactment of terror. Unfortunately the cast and crew members star ending up actually dead or fired (it’s hard to tell the difference.) George Clooney in his first acting role plays an actor playing a cop who just found out he got a big acting promotion (that Facts of Life TV offer finally came in.)  But before he can leave, George get’s his head smashed against a plated door instead. His 80’s hair cut couldn’t even save him. The real cops show up and Maureen Mcormicks best known as Marcia from the Brady bunch typecasted as a sex obssessed police woman whose helping investigate the murders but only if she can stay out of all the blood.  Her boss, lieutenant “stick up his butt” has been interviewing survivors trying to hide his hatred of everyone around him. The blood pressure meds apparently weren’t working that day.

Return to Horror HighMeanwhile bodies keep piling up as the murderer chops off heads, dissects people or dismembers them enough to flush down the toilet. There’s even a stage hand that ends up chopped suey by a propeller which easily beats that drowning scene in quicksand. What the heck were they teaching at this school anyways? The rent-a-cop hero turned actor with his bimbo co-star suspect something is up but just end up doing some night grinding in a classroom while someone is arch welding in the outside the window. The moment really lacked a proper flashdance soundtrack. The cast keeps thinning and producer and director eventually get their heads stuck on a platter which al leads to a final showdown with the surviving actors and a plot twist that the Scooby gang would haven seen coming a mile away. At least George Clooney was bludgeoned to death.

The main problem we got here is the heck if anyone can follow the plot of this thing. There’s scenes that are supposed to be re-enactments but are real. There are real scenes you think are just being shot for the film but aren’t. There’s flashbacks, flash forwards, flashdances, there’s even dreams within dreams. It’s like the movie got incepted. And let’s not forget the contestant bickering. Mostly between the director who wants to make the film arty and the producer who wants a good old blood n’ breast fest*. I think the killer agrees with the producers on that point. In the end it all adds up to a whole lotta  head scratching’ to wether anybody even died a room full of cross dressing skeletons. I’d give Return to Horror High a 2 out of 5 hall passes, but that’s only if we’re grading on a curve.

*Blood n’ Breast-Fest is trademark of Lost Highway and can’t not be used on t-shirts, tattoos, or coffee mugs without the express written consent of Lost Highway. Because if we ever have a fest that’s what we’re naming it and we have lawyers, and pens, and official stationary to back us up.

roadside attractions

  • Heads roll
  • George Clooney face smashing
  • melting acid face
  • bloody toilet
  • death by quicksand
  • propeller chop suey
  • human dissection
  • hand nailing
  • multiple severed heads
  • cross dressing skeletons
  • multiple dead bodies (or are they?)
  • impalement by hunting spear.
totals

5

blood

BLOOD

It’s all fake!!! FAKE I TELL YOU!!!!

8

blood

BREASTS

what the movie lacks in plot it makes up for in breasts.

1

beast

BEASTS

Mostly the killer is our only beast in this one….and Alex Rocco’s eyebrows

3.5 OVERALL
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Oct

Comments Off on Rocktober Blood

Remember when a killer soundtrack could actually save a horrible movie from extinction? Something that you could rock out to even if the movie didn’t make a lick of sense. Movies like Flashdance, The Sound of Music or that evil orphan movie with little red headed asian girl, Annie. Yes, there’s a handful if not dozens of such films and Rocktober Blood is one of them. It’s pure metalsploitation where a soundtrack will melt your face off, but only long enough to distract you from just what a piece of horse pucky you’re actually watching.

Tray Loren plays Billy “Eye” Harper, a local rocker whose been laying down some “killer” tracks at the recording studio with his back up singer/girlfriend Lynn. Billy isn’t very happy with the record producers, so he starts killing them off while Lynn takes an incredibly long time to undress for the hot tub upstairs. After impaling one of them on coat hook, Billy in his Top Gun sunglasses, forces Lynn to sing at knife point until a security guard breaks up the karaoke. Billy is later arrested, tried, and executed for killing at least 25 people. They obviously didn’t know to rock.

rocktober blood2 years later, Lynn takes over the band and starts her own tour of heavy metal with a blood and guts stage show. She’s obviously working through some relationship issues. Unfortunately she’s starting to see Billy’s face pop-up around town and running into him at parties, which is always awkward. Nobody in her band believes her, especially her manager who suspiciously resembles a beaten Fabio and insists that her friends take her on vacation. They fly her up to a secluded cabin where they all can relax and aerobicise in the wild, but Billy shows up again just to taunt her with his annoying laugh and rummages through her underwear drawer. Lynn insists Billy is alive despite nobody else seeing him and heads back to dig up his grave to prove it. Unfortunately she finds his decayed corpse still wearing a rockin’ bandanna instead. Shyamalan plot twist – Billy is really dead!

Convinced she is going nuts, Lynn decides the best therapy is to get back to her concert tour, but just before the show she is drugged backstage by Billy’s evil twin John who killed everyone years ago and has been following Lynn ever since. “Sorry Billy about that whole conviction and execution thing. My bad.”

Tom handcuffs Lynn to his wrist and performs in front of a live studio audience as Billy. His band is un-phased by it all and continues to rock on. Fabio sneaks up with an electric guitar and mashes him on the head just as Tom finishes out his solo. But haven’t we’ve seen all this before on American Idol?

Rocktober Blood has very little to do with Oktober or Rock and contains very little blood. Playing Guitar Hero has better character development but at least it all ends on a high note. Barry Goodall gives it 2 guitar riffs out of 5 mostly for the gratuitous areobicizing.

roadside attractions

  • Gratuitous backup singing
  • Wall coat peg impalement
  • Neck slashin’
  • “lactose intolerant” Fabio
  • Breakdancing werewolf
  • Jacuzzi dunking
  • Death by steam cleaning
  • Heart ripping with optional decapitation
  • Death by rock!
totals

8

blood

BLOOD

A few good splatters and neck slicing though most of it happens on a rock stage with corn syrup.

8

blood

BREASTS

Does it count if it’s the same hot tub scene shown twice? Yes, yes it does.

1

beast

BEASTS

Billy who is strangely reminiscent of a screaming cub bear lost in the woods.

3.5 OVERALL
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Oct

Comments Off on Robot Jox

In post-apocalyyptic America international border disputes aren’t settled with trade embargoes, they’re solved with giant robots and laser beams while guitars blasts “They’re coming to America” over the loud speakers. Yes, It’s Robot Jox the biggest game of rock em’ sock em’ robots ever made. This time it’s the Russians turn as the evil super power trying to steal our land and likely pipe vodka through Alaska, but not if team USA can stop em first. Gary Graham stars as Achilles, the cocky and illiterate champion robot jox who leads a team of trainee that like to yell out “Crash and Burn” whenever someone needs a high five. His killbot career is going well until a match against a Russian named “alexander” makes it the biggest U.S. Russian brawl since Rocky 4. Unfortunately there’s no training montage and Achilles accidentally crushes a crowd of fans while diving in front of a wayward missile.  Have we learned nothing from Nascaar accidents? Achilles retires in shame taking on a full time bar stool warming job at the local cantina drinking away his shame. Meanwhile a genetically engineered and uncomfortably manly looking pilot trainee named Athena is climbing jungle gyms while her classmates fall to their death . She and Achilles have some awkward romantic moments in the hallway so when he learns that Athena was selected to battle Alexander, he decides to come out of retirement to protect her.

RobotJoxAthena  is furious with Achilles for taking her spot so she kick punches his face and drugs him at his apartment and disguises herself in his space suit instead. He awakens later not very upset since that’s usually how his first dates go anyways. Meanwhile, his managing cowboy “Tex Conway”  is discovered by their team engineer rigging the fights for the U.S. to lose. Tex shoots him in the head but forgets he was being recorded so tosses himself off a balcony to his death, cowboy hat and all. Back in the battle arena, Athena is getting pummeled by the Russian robot and Achilles has to jump in and try to save her. After battling the chainsaw crotched mech, Achilles crashes to the ground and the two pilots have battle man to man in a Star Trek staff fight with some robot shrapnel. Achilles gives a speech about world peace and good sportsmanship which leads to an awkward fist pump as the two become best buds, I kid you not.

Obviously not a lot of plot to get in the way of the action. Basically it’s just 2 robots tossing rockets and lasers at each other while at some  point one of them gets dry humped with a crotch chainsaw. Definitely check this one out, I give it 4 out of 5 Pacific Rims.

roadside attractions

  • Referee smashing
  • Crotch chainsaw
  • Crowd smashing
  • Jungle gym of death
  • Flying fist of robot fury
  • Gratuitous use of the term “Crash and Burn”
totals

4

blood

BLOOD

Not much gore in this one but plenty of heavy metal damage.

5

blood

BREASTS

No breasts shots, but we get some hinder shots in this one.

9

beast

BEASTS

Giant robots and a burly russian.

8.5 OVERALL
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Sep

posted by Barry Goodall | September 1, 2013 | 80's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Horror movies, Review by Barry Goodall

Comments Off on Amityville 3D

Amityville 3d

Made for TV’s Tony Roberts and Candy Clark are investigating fake seances when they uncover some paranormal tom foolery at the infamous Amittyville house. After exposing the scam artists, Tony buys the home cheap from the realtor who later gets his face eaten by flies and dies in his attic. That doesn’t seem to really shock anyone. Sure a haunted houses comes with a few demonic insect swarms but those bleeding walls mean you don’t have to decorate for halloween.

amityville 3dTony later uncovers a major plumbing problem in the basement with a uncapped drainage well that goes straight to hell. It keeps filling his house with demonic spirits but at least that will keep his heating costs low in the winter. Candy stops in later when Tony is away and gets blasted by some extreme ice mint flavor coming up from the basement and is found huddled freezing on the floor. She hightails it out of there only to be impaled by a plumber’s pipe and trapped in her own burning car. The worst case of freezer burn ever.

Thickheaded Tony is still not convinced his house is haunted despite just having a free ride on a demonic shake and bake elevator at work and invites his daughter Lori Loughlin to stop by. She brings four of her pals including a young Meg Ryan for a little demon house warming party. After flirting with Tony, Meg gets out the ouija board and gets the ghosts riled up enough to start breaking glassware. Or it’s could just be Meg’s insane levels of perkiness. It’s like holy water to evil spirits.

Tony’s ex-wife shows up later just as Lori gets killed in a boating accident returning as a drippy zombie that hides in her room. After seeing her daughters ghost, Tony’s ex convinces him to hire a rookie scientist and his crew to investigate but they all get sucked up into a vortex of evil by a fire breathing gillman from the basement’s hell pit. Tony and his wife escape just in time to watch the house explode in a spectacular display of pyrotechnics which somehow still leaves the front porch lights on. Its just too bad everyone else was already killed and had to miss the show. Barry Goodall says this movie could have used more of the 3B’s and less of the 3D but check it out if you got a hankerin’ for gratuitous objects thrust at you. “A FRISBEE!!! A BOOM MIC!!! SPITTLE! A FLASHLIGHT!!! OH THE HORROR!!!”

roadside attractions

  • Death by fly smothering
  • Ghost puppets
  • Face shish-kabob
  • Dry well entrances to hell
  • Demonic photoshopping
  • Car-side BBQ
  • Flame thrower death pit
  • Door smashing
  • Glowing orbe
  • Sail fish harpooning
  • Multiple exploding houses
totals

4

blood

BLOOD

Not much blood but lots of people getting killed by flames.

0

blood

BREASTS

None…this must be that “family friendly horror” I hear the Disney folks talking about.

9

beast

BEASTS

flies and some weird demon gillman that lives in the basement. Another reason to make sure your kids move out when they’re 20.

4.5 OVERALL
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