Archive for the 'Review by Barry Goodall' Category

Feb

posted by Barry Goodall | February 13, 2012 | 80's b-movies, 80's movies, B-movies, Horror movies, Review by Barry Goodall

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waxwork

Waxed demons are trying to take over the world and steering clear of any open flames in the 80’s classic “Waxwork.” Zach Galian, after blowing up Gremlins in his microwave, plays Mark, a spoiled rich kid with a caffeine addiction. He and his dimwitted high school friends are invited to a waxwork museum run by b-movie veteran, David Warner who can pretty much play creepy in his sleep. They arrive for a midnight preview and a 7ft tall butler and his dwarf life-partner send them on a tour of “eighteen of the most evil people who ever lived”, but sadly no Larry King. On of the friends Tony, loses his lighter in one of the exhibits so he gets zapped into alternate reality where Teenwolf could be a reality hit TV show. Finding himself inside a creepy cabin he meets a Pavarotti look-alike who starts turning into a werewolf and bites him on the arm. Lycanthropes are everywhere. Luckily, a vigilante mob bust into just in time to shoot everyone with silver bullets putting an end to Tony’s nicotine addiction and Pavorotti’s singing career.

waxworkMeanwhile, Mark’s bitchy girlfriend walks into a vampire exhibit where she’s forced to slowly eat steak tar-tar while some Twilight emmos gawk at her bad dye job. She discovers a one legged guy in their basement who just had his ankle gnawed on like a doggie chew toy. She stakes some vamp fatales and then gets her neck sucked on by the guy from the “I can’t believe it’s not butter” commercials. No big deal, no one liked her anyways. Team Edward for the win.

Back in the real world, Mark and his new replacement girlfriend, Sarah leave the show thinking their friends ditched them and decide to head back to Mark’s mansion to look at old pictures of his grandfather in the attic. Probably the worse first date ever until they they discover the waxwork owner is in the photo which would make him about 170 years old (170 is the new 140). They consult with an old wheelchair bound Brit named Sir Wilfred, a friend of Mark’s grandfather, who explains how he and Mark’s grandpa collected trinkets from some of the most evil people in the world and sell them for big bucks on Ebay. Sir Wilfred believes the waxwork owner had sold his soul to the devil in return he’d get immortality but also has to find victims for his waxworks displays to help bring about the end of the world.This means raising the dead, filing the skies with blood, and consuming all things good in the world like pop tarts and Leann Rimes.

Mark and Sarah try to tell the cops but the detective doesn’t believe them and ends up pharaoh bait in an Egyptian tomb getting body slammed by a mummy. Mark and Sarah return to the waxworks in an attempt to burn it down but Sarah’s ADD kicks in as she’s mesmerized by the French Marquies de Sade exhibit. Sadly not Circus De Soleil…fewer clowns more whipping.

waxworkShe gets sucked in while Mark gets pushed into the Night of the Living Dead to fight off hordes of flesh hungry zombies. After getting a hand, Mark escapes and rescues Sarah whose been getting her jollies from 50 lashings by the hand of a ren-fest pirate. Mark convinces her that she’s been brainwashed by the waxwork and if she believes that it’s not real then she can’t be harmed. Seems like she’s disappointed by that fact.

They step through a dimensional portal just in time to see the rest of the waxworks come to life and do battle with Sir Wilfred’s armored wheelchair brigade and his small army of senior citizens. High on Metamucil, they battle with swords and pitchforks against the legion of demonic wax figures trying to keep any of them from escaping and polluting the rest of the world.

Barry Goodall says go check out “waxwork” and bring some candles but leave your butler dwarf at home if you don’t have the room. Unless you have a motorcycle sidecar…those work perfect for dwarf butlers.

roadside attractions

  • Severed hand
  • Bat shooting
  • French whippin’
  • Cheek gougin’
  • Ankle chewin’
  • Head smash with twist and pull
  • Neck chompin’
  • Extra raw steak tar tar
  • Werewolf, vampires, zombies, and mummies
  • Torso rippin’
  • Wheelchair drive-by
  • 50 gallons of hot wax
totals

8

blood

BLOOD

Bodies get ripped in two and a guy gets his leg chewed down to the bone, bloody stabbings, and rare steak tar tar.

0

blood

BREASTS

You’d think a french S&M exhibit would get more melons but you’d be wrong. Not even waxed fruit. I thought the French preferred not to wear clothes. Maybe that was bathing.

10

beast

BEASTS

*deep breath* mummies, werewolves, vampires, zombies, severed hands and butler dwarfs. the Phantom of the Opera, Frankenstein’s monster, Jack the Ripper, the Invisible Man, a voodoo priest, a witch, a snakeman, pods from Invansion of the Body Snatchers, a mutant baby, an axe murderer, a multi-eyed alien, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. New Highway record for most beasts in one film!

8.9 OVERALL
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Check out the trailer for “Waxwork”

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Jan

posted by Barry Goodall | January 7, 2012 | 70's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Grindhouse, Review by Barry Goodall

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Long Weekend

An Australian couple parks their old car at a campsite and go tromping through the wilderness while getting the smack down from mother nature in 1978’s “Long weekend.” Marcia (Briony Behets) is the whiny self absorbed wife, while John Hargreaves plays Peter, a surfer dude whose more worried about his dog than their relationship. They’ve been bickerin’ ever since Marcie had an affair which ended with an abortion and Peter hopes a trip to a secluded beach might help smooth things over. Long WeekendNobody in town had ever heard of their secret vacation spot so they end up running over a kangaroo and listening to their mandatory Men at Work cassettes instead. After sleeping the night in the jeep they discover that the beach was right next to them to whole time. Apparently, nobody noticed that big blue ocean thing that whole time.

Most of their camping days are spent choppin’ down trees, spraying insecticide and leaving garbage everywhere. Marcie smashes some eagle eggs, shoots a sea cow and Peter gets in a quick round of target practices with a flock of seagulls. Not a couple you’ll likely see at a PETA rally. Fortunately Mother nature fights back and Peter gets dive bombed by a bald eagle (…Heck YEAH AMERICA!!!) and then gets sucker punched by a fruit hoarding possum.

At night they hear ghostly cries of the dead sea cow and Marcia starts going completely bonkers taking off with the jeep leaving Peter alone with just a harpoon and his overwhelming body funk to defend himself. The sea cow carcass shows up again for the solo-beach party but even closer to camp than before and Peter has to torch it like a deep fried turkey. Meanwhile, Marcia who senses danger about as well as a bowl of oatmeal, gets stuck in a heap of spider webs only to be harpooned by Peter who mistakes her for a land roving sea cow. Consider the divorce final.

Long WeekendPeter in his grief wanders back through the woods, gets attacked by some woodchucks and ends up getting side swiped by a semi-truck on the highway. Thus putting an end to the worse ever honeymoon and the longest anti- littering campaign in film history. I’d hoped they’d get gnawed to death by a rare red-back sloth, or maybe smothered by rabid Koalas instead. There’s just so many other painful ways to die in Australia (#25 on the rejected Australia tourism slogan list.)

Barry Goodall says talk a walkabout and check out “Long Weekend.” You’ll be thankful your relationship isn’t as bad as these two drongos and remember to  always keep the harpoon safety on during domestic disputes.

roadside attractions

  • Surfer skeet shooting
  • Bald eagle attack
  • Possum mugging
  • Sea cow stalking
  • Harpoon to the throat
  • Littering
  • kangaroo hit n’ run
totals

6

blood

BLOOD

A few good gushers but most of it’s from a wounded sea cow.

7

blood

BREASTS

Australian topless sunbathing, it’s mandatory.

9

beast

BEASTS

Snakes, sea cows, eagles, spiders, ants, birds, kangaroos, and a possum. It’s like a prison break at the Zoo.

8.00 OVERALL
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Check out the trailer for “Long Weekend”

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Dec

posted by Barry Goodall | December 4, 2011 | 80's b-movies, 80's movies, Action, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Rest stop, Review by Barry Goodall

Comments Off on Total Recall: Rest Stop Review Edition

Before Arnold was flexing his muscle with his maid service and blowing up state budgets as governor, he was blowing up bad guys on the big screen. In Total Recall Arnie plays Doug Quaid, a guy who seems to have a great life jack hammering concrete during the day and hammerin’ Sharon Stone at night. Despite the daily grind, Doug is looking for more out of life and has been having reoccurring dreams about trips to Mars and getting his eyes sucked out of their sockets from decompression. Sounds like fun, so instead of taking a vacation he decides to have the memories of a fake trip to Mars implanted into his giant noggin’ by Rekall, Inc. Things go wrong when the implant doesn’t take and the company has to dump Doug in a robot taxi. Unfortunately his co-workers show up and try to kill him with some post-modern uzis but Arnie snaps their necks like they’re democrat fund raisers. Back at his house, he has a knife fight with his wife for not bringing home eggs and milk and narrowly escapes from a group of thugs led by Michael Ironside. After a brief nasal probing, Doug takes a ship to Mars to find out the secrets of his identity. In the planet’s red light district he teams up with a hooker turned martian revolutionary who likes slapping him around like Ike Turner and she leads him to Kuato, a munchkin martian attached to some slouches stomach. Kuato reads Doug’s memories learning he can free Mars and it’s colonists by activating a mysterious reactor inside a martian temple. It’s theorized it will melt a giant glacier inside a mountain resulting in the planet’s biggest slushy. Doug uses holograms and semi automatics against the evil corporate baron and his goon squad who have cut off oxygen to the mutants. If only he tried the same thing with California. Barry Goodall reminds you to check it out and always wrap a wet towel around your head before getting your butt to Mars.

Roadside Attractions:

– exploding heads
– extreme nasal probes
– triple-breasted martians
– eye bulging
– dwarf with machine guns
– robot cab drivers
– rat shooting
– multiple head shots
– tummy baby mutants
– drill to the gut
– hologram shooting

trailers

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Nov

posted by Barry Goodall | November 14, 2011 | 80's b-movies, 80's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Bad movie, Review by Barry Goodall, Sci-Fi

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A greasy guy in a loin cloth fights dinosaurs, purple cavemen and rock em’ sock em’ robots in Yor: The Hunter from the future. Action crap extrodinaire Steve Banton stars as Yor in one of the few films where the ending is actually given away in the title. Yor is a meat headed weight trainer who may actually be the first post apocalyptic redneck that doesn’t drive a firebird. He’s out frolicking in the desert when he finds some cave people getting attacked by a paper machete setgasuaurus and we all know how vicious plant eaters can be. After a few tucks and rolls and a stone axe to the noggin’ he calls a touchdown, drinks the dino’s blood and tells everyone to gather “the choice cuts of meat.” Yor only eats free range dinosaur meat.

One of the survivors is a woman named Kala who dresses in fur bikinis and likes dumb doughy guys in golden mullets. She wants to get busy with Yor, so she takes him back to their village where she shakes her money maker at a dino-death party. This seems to only confuse Yor’s pea sized brain and attracts some purpled faced caveman that attack that kidnap everyone including Yor’s new squeeze. They throw him off a cliff by which he miraculously survives with only a few minor scraps and bruises so he and the old sweaty guy hand glide into the purple guys home cave with a gigantic dead bat. Yor kung-fu kicks some cavemen in the crotch and then floods the cave with river water killing as many woman and children possible just before rescuing Kala. He hates anyone that he can easily bench press. They head up river on a boat strapped together with some hemp rope hoping maybe there’s a grateful dead concert upstream and are captured by some sand people wrapped in oily rags roasting marshmallows.

The sand people take them to their leader, Rowa a pretty young blonde who also wears a giant rapper medallion identical to Yors. She’s been baby-sitting some astronauts who’ve been trapped in ice in the caves making astro-slushies. After avoiding a decapitation and fighting some more sand people off, Yor invites Rowa on the trip with them to try to discover the secret of his origins. Sadly Rowa gets killed by more purple cavemen who show up after a brief cat fight she has with Kala. It ends all too quickly and with no mud or lime jello.

Yor gets the smack down on another dinosaur attacker whose survivors take him to yet another village. It felt like the movie might actually be starting over again, but then some spaceships show up and start blasting everyone in the village. Yor seems to have that luck. After the carnage, Yor

Yor The Hunter from the Futurepromises to avenge their death by sailing on a boat made of wicker and bat guano to the island where the attackers came from. They get stun zapped by slow moving robots and guys that look like sting dressed in teflon jumpsuits. The island is run by a dark overlord whose plan is to have Yor and Kala breed with his new cyborgs to create a new master race and a whole lotta akward after sex small talk.  Yor is helped to escape by a temp worker there where he joins a resistance against the cyborgs in their basement furnace room. Guard rails are a plenty to toss robots over. There’s a nuclear reactor and a robot caveman battle with lasers, trapeze acts and somewhere a guy in a cloak is impaled with a barber shop pole. That pretty much sums er’ up. Barry Goodall says it’s worth checking out if ya got a hankerin’ for communal living and sweaty old guys on hemp rafts..but then again you’re probably already a dang dirty hippie.

roadside attractions

  • impromptu trapeze acts
  • bat hand gliding
  • high beam hand glow
  • crystal balls with premium cable
  • death by barber pole
  • weenie roast attacks
  • dinosaur rodeos
  • astronauts on ice
  • rock em sock em robots
  • dino blood energy drinks
  • extreme theme music
totals

3

blood

BLOOD

Mostly from paper machet dinosaurs.

6

blood

BREASTS

Cleavage is plentiful but is mostly covered by fur and giant medallions. I blame PETA.

9

beast

BEASTS

Dinosaurs, purple cavemen, giant bats and robots. It’s like a kid’s toy box got dumped out all over this movie.

6.00 OVERALL
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Check out the trailer for “Yor: The Hunter from the Future”

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Oct

Comments Off on Children of the Corn 2: The Final Sacrifice

Children of the Corn 2

Children of the Corn 2: The Final Sacrifice has all the ingredients for making a good b-movie. It’s got demonic possession, impalement, old people, creepy kids….. oh and corn, plenty of corn. In fact, Children of the Corn 2 has way more corn cobs than should be allowed by either the MPAA or the FDA. So much corn, It would actually make a better stew than a movie.

Taking place 8 years after the killing spree in Gatlin, the psycho-amish kids have been deported to the nearby town of Hemmingford for some rest and rehab. The folks there decided to adopt them all which is mighty neighborly, except for the fact the kids killed every adult at the last place they lived. A reporter, John Garrett (Terrence Knox) and his son, Danny are on a road trip and learn about the massacre from a news crew who later get impaled by corn stalks through their van window. Little known fact, Nebraskian corn stalks are extremely durable, used to frame up modular homes and build bridges.

Children of the Corn 2John and Danny were hoping to find a truck stop to get some puffy hats with filthy sayings on em’ but run into some local hotties crusing in a mustang instead. Angela who owns a nearby bed and breakfast for drifters and actor has-beens while Lacey is an exhibitionist that likes to shower under waterfalls for any passer-bys. John wastes no time and gets busy with the B&B lady  while Danny fails to even get to first base with Lacey, his incredible blandess barely edging out the fact he still has all his teeth. Meanwhile, Mikah a satanic hipster in a suit vest goes all dark emperor one night when electric lights shoot out of his hands and he commands the children to make sacrifices to “He who walks behind the rows.” They end up crushing an old lady under a house, overdosing a mortician, and giving a guy a nosebleed. It’s not even a fair fight.

John finally begins to suspects something is wrong when a mysterious indian named Frank Redbear (not his real name) shows him a rock drawing and talks about vengeful spirits, homocidal indian kids and casinos as far as the eye can see. John digs Frank’s no-nonsense approach to rock storytellin’ and together they uncover the town’s deadly secret. The town’s corn supply has been releasing a toxin into the water  that could be turning kids into crazed killers. Unfortunately before they can let anyone know the truth, they get tied up by the deputy  leaving them in a field to be ran over by a corn harvester.

Children of the Corn 3

Back at the B&B, Mikah convinces Danny that his crappy attitude is all his dad’s fault and tries to get him to join their jr. league satanic cult. Danny is easily swayed by people shorter than him so he attends their initiation where they demand he sacrifice his not-so-virgin girlfriend to their demon god, an aggressive field mole. John and Redbear escape the harvester  just in time stop Danny from stabbing Lacey but then the indian gets killed with a bow and arrow ironically and all hell breaks loose. In the end, good still triumphs over evil and they ceremonially burn Redbear in the middle of a field letting him return to the spirit world while watching 1000’s of acres accidentally burn to a crisp.

….and somewhere an indian sheds a tear.

Children of the corn 2  is a bountiful crop of crap, a cornucopia of bad, but I suppose you can give it a try if there’s nothing on the Food Network to watch. Barry Goodall says “If you build it, they will come….but if you make a bad sequel to a mediocre Stephen King film then it shall go directly to video.”

roadside attractions

  • syringe death
  • severed hand
  • house crushing
  • extreme nose bleeding
  • death by corn cob
  • impalement by corn stalks
  • throat ripping
  • death by hypodermic needles
  • house burning
  • old lady crushing
  • wheel chair remote control
totals

5

blood

BLOOD

gallons…most of it from one guys nose

6

blood

BREASTS

plenty of cleavage and extreme gawking but don’t go chasing waterfalls

3

beast

BEASTS

demon kids, a pesky demon mole and a mean lady in a wheel chair

3.00 OVERALL
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Check out the trailer for “Children of the Corn 2: The Final Sacrifice”

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