Archive for the 'Review by Barry Goodall' Category

Sep

Comments Off on Alligator

1980’s “alligator” might just do for pool parties what Jaws did for swimming at the beach as a giant mutant alligator terrorizing the sewers and streets of Chicago. Robert Forester stars as detective David Madison, a  former hair club member with a nasty habit of getting his partners killed. He’s called in to investigate why some pets have suddenly gone missing and random body parts are clogging up the sewers. Turns out, a flushed baby gator grew to the size of a Eldorado while snacking on hormone injected canines and is now moving up the food chain. Side effects also include insatiable hunger, dry mouth and an overall improved batting average.

David heads down into the sewer to check out the disappearance of a sanitation worker and that’s where he runs into the beefy reptile. His new partner is quickly made into a giant gator chew toy proving that David goes through partners faster than red shirts guys on Star Trek episodes. Back at the precinct, nobody believes the detective’s story and some even suspect that he might be a serial killer but a snooping reporter gets some glamour photos of the giant lizard right before getting killed.

The city gets gator fever and the mayor orders a bunch of police officers to bang on trash can lids like rejects from a Stomp recital to scare it out of hiding. The gator’s a no show since he’s been sunbathing in a backyard pool… relaxing, drinking margaritas, and eating the occasional kid dressed up as a pirate. Meanwhile, David has been making night moves on the local lizard queen (Robin Riker), a scientist who specializes in reptilian behavior and how to brutally reject guys at pickup bars. She’s immediately attracted to David’s receding hairline and his sweat stained t-shirts which leads to a late night of love making and watching Chip re-runs.

David discovers the laboratory responsible for making the mega-gator food, but the CEO is best buddy with the mayor, so he just ends up getting fired instead. Left with some free time David makes the sign of the two horned platypus again with Marisa, while the gator heads out for another kiling spree smashing up cop cars and tail spanking rich white people around like a frat hazing.

The mayor decides to hire a safari hunter to track the gator down in the streets who also enlists the help of some local gangsters as guides. They end up finding a big pile of gator poop right before a gator ninja sneak attacks them from behind. Another inner city gator drive-by.

With the police in hot pursuit, it escapes into a nearby lake where some cops in speed boats do some stunt jumps off it’s back and a cop gets his legs chewed off. It’s probably the worse boat show ever. David is put back on the case and he corners the reptile back in the sewer. Using some spare dynamite he ignites the methane in the tunnels just before barely escaping when the “where’s the beef lady” parks on the escape tunnel. Sure he blew up 20 square blocks, but at least the gator is dead….and smelling delicious.

Somewhere in heaven Steve Erwin sheds a tear.

Barry Goodall says “Alligator” is a bloody good time, just remember to never flush your pets down the sewers or you could end up with a giant man-eating alligator…or even worse, mutant ninjas turtles and a kung-fu rat.

roadside attractions

  • gator wrestlin’
  • multiple severed arm
  • multiple severed leg
  • dead dogs with gigantis disease
  • improv stomp garage band.
  • alligator hunter sorta like crocodile hunter
  • alligator poop
  • pirate pool parties
  • alligator drive-bys
  • gator jumping stunt spectactors
  • boat and car crash and burn
  • gator tail baseball
totals

9

blood

BLOOD

Multiple severed body parts and gator chomping with splatter.

3

blood

BREASTS

talked of often but never actually seen..sorta like bigfoot.

10

beast

BEASTS

A sleazy guy in a hawaiin shirt and one 30 ft. mega-gator.

8.3 OVERALL
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Check out the trailer for “Alligator”

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Jul

posted by Barry Goodall | July 10, 2011 | B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Horror movies, Review by Barry Goodall

Comments Off on Rock n’ Roll Nightmare: Rest Stop Review edition

Demonic muppets take over a Canadian farm house rented out by Satan and only John Mikl Thor can break their lease on evil. In what  arguably might be Canada’s worse export since Celine Dion, Rock n’ Roll Nightmare takes big slabs of steroid fed beef and tries to stuff them in sequined jump suits much to the horror of it’s viewers. John Triton (Thor) is one such metal meathead whose love of rockin’ out is only matched by his love for Weight Gain 2000. He drives a pimpin’ van to a secluded farmhouse where baked hell spawn have already killed a family and stuffed them in the oven like spare frying pans. Along for the ride is his slow witted band and some newly weds celebrating their honeymoon, but they just end up washing all the band’s dishes and getting eaten by a greasy skinned hellbeast. If only they’d gone to Niagara Falls instead. After a few ear bleedin’ rehearsals, midget demons start running all over the farmhouse chewing on people’s neck and causing a ruckus. John seems oblivious to that fact since he’s been  busy writing bad love songs and  grooping his girlfriend in the shower…a difficult scene to endure considering Thor had the bigger breasts.

After the rest of the band members are picked off, John is left alone to face off with Belza “Bub” in a cage match show down when he suddenly transforms himself into a glamrock angel in a speedo whose supposed to send Satan back to his netherworld, a Hell apparently even worse than Quebec. it’s revealed that all the band members including a handful of groupies were just made up in John’s thick head in order to distract the demons and get the devil to reveal himself. This also begs the question, who was John ardvarking in the shower with earlier? Shudder as you ponder that possibility.

Barry Goodall says get your studded leather thong on and get ready to jam with Rock n’ Roll Nightmare…oh, and always have some talcum powder on hand to avoid schaffing. Now that’s a real Rock n’ Roll nightmare.

Roadside Attractions:

– Deadly ninja demon starfish
– Phallic muppets with nicotine addictions
– Overcooked oven demons
– Coffee luggies
– Extreme hickies
– Keyboard transvestites
– Deformed dog faced dwarfs
– Studded thong battle gear
– Monster cop a feels
– Possessed chicken drum sticks

if I was in a Canadian metal band I’d probably have to imagine groupies in my head too.

trailers

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May

Comments Off on Slumber Party Massacre

Slumber party massacre

If you’d compare power tools and slasers, “Slumber Party Massacre” is the Sears Craftsman of 80’s slashers… and it’s a great dinner party conversations starter too. The movie’s a perfect blend of blood, breasts and beasts featuring 2 foot long drill bit and plenty of cleavage. And before anyways starts their email writin’ saying “Barry this is just obviously another one of your  exploitation of women for horny middle aged men living in their parents basement films dealing with inadequency issues”, let me tell you It was made by real live women…. and I moved out of my parents months ago when mama needed the room for her taxidermy. It was scripted by feminist activist Rita Mae Brown and directed by Amy Holden Jones who went onto to writing such screenplay gems as Mystic Pizza, and Beethoven.Yes, two of the most testosterone free movies any guy could endure sober, yet somehow they managed to put out this quality melonfest slasher.

slumber party massacre

The party really gets kickin’ when Trish’s mom and dad are out of town and it’s all over the news that a psycho killer is on the loose. That can only mean one thing….slumber party in your underwear! With the all day basketball practice and gratutious community showering, there’s little time for the girls to get nekkid in front of the living room window. A couple of guys show up to do some peeping Tom foolery but one of them gets elbowed in the eye and has to press hotdogs to his face to bring down the swelling. That’s probably not how he imagined his night going.

Trish’s neighbor, Valerie, is babysitting her butch younger sister whose been perusing a stash of porno-mags and doing her best to stay incredibly annoying at least until her voice changes and she has to start shaving. There’s some back seat ardvarking out in the garage with one of the couples in a sedan where romance is always best to the music of Journey and under the haze of carbon monoxide. It’s just enough to set off any nearby psycho sex alarms so Russ Thorn shows up with a 2 foot cordless power drill and what has to be the best battery charge he’s ever had. He bores out holes in their hippie neighbor who was just hunting garden snails with a cleaver and then drills through the eye sockets of the pizza guy who still manages to ring the door bell. Now that’s a guy looking for a good tip.

Whoever is left that isn’t swiss cheese yet decides it’s best to send out the men to make a run for help so the guys logically split up and get death drilled faster than a texas oil reserve. Meanwhile the girls are still huddled inside eating the pizza kept warm from the fresh body. Dead people start piling up pretty quick so the driller killer puts them on ice in the space saver fridge carefully not crushing the Swanson salsbury steak dinners he saved for later. Valerie finally stops by just in time to battle Russ with a firepoker and title for the world’s worse sword fighter while her sister looks on drinking a weight gain 2000 shake. It’s denim-tastic.

Barry Goodall says drill baby drill! but be sure to bring both metric and standard drill sets. You know, in case you have to kill in Europe.

disclaimer: Sears in no way endorse or supports the use of their power tools in psychomaniac rampages and will not accept tool returns used in killing sprees without a receipt and in like new condition.

roadside attractions

  • gratuitous shower scene
  • snail hunting
  • gratuitous clothes changing
  • blatant usage of “if the van is rockin’ don’t come a knocking”
  • multiple head drillings
  • garage decapitation
  • pizza delivery eye gouging
  • chest drilling
  • 2 knife stabbings
  • freezer burn bodies
  • hand chopin’
  • stomach slashin’
  • machete impalement
totals

9

blood

BLOOD

Mutiple slash and gashers for the gore hounds.

10

blood

BREASTS

holy melon fest batman…Did I mention this was a movie made by feminists? nice job on the lingering camera work in the shower scenes ladies.

7

beast

BEASTS

psycho Russ Thorn…and I guess you could count the snail and maybe the neighbor’s Hawaiin shirt.

9.0 OVERALL
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Check out the trailer for “Slumber Party Massacre”

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May

Comments Off on “American Gothic” Rest Stop Review Edition

It’s Bible thumpin’ gone wild as people start getting sliced up faster than fresh apple pie with John Hough’s 80’s cult flick “American Gothic.” Cynthia (Sarah Torgov) is along for the ride as a grieving mother who just lost her baby in a bathtub accident. Her friends, a group of plaid advocates decide to vacation up-north to take her mind off her bad parenting skills. Unfortunately, their water plane has to make an emergency landing where they soon discover a quaint island cottage belonging to a family of Walton loonies. “Ma” and “Pa”  have been living there for years raising their family away from the evils of man and making Charles Manson’s home life seem idealic and folksy.

With no phones or electricity, Cynthia and her friends are trapped in an amish nightmare with ma and pa Crazy and their 3 adult children. They’re  not  like Tom Hanks in “Big.”  dancing on giant pianos. They’re more likely to stab you in the eyeball with a unicorn statue just for looking at them wrong. They push people off swings over the side of cliffs and lynch others with jump ropes just for the kicks. Fannie, the menopausal daughter that thinks she’s perpetually twelve wants Cynthia for her new sister so they can put on dress up clothes and change the diapers on her prune faced baby corpse. Not feeling the love, Cynthia narrowly escapes with her friend Terri and a flare gun as they try to find a boat but manage only to blow one up instead. If only they made a raft from coconuts like the professor did.

They flee into the woods and Terri’s neck gets snapped like a twig just so some fat guy can drool on her  while he plays bumper cars with her fun melons. The older brothers capture Cynthia who goes totally beserk-o  and joins in for some family fun time of dressing up corpses in the basement and stabbing people with knitting needles. Finally, all those years of home economics classes are starting to pay off. Martha Stewart is only one decopauged drink coatster away from this level of nutty.

Barry Goodall says give American Gothic a try, it’s your patriotic duty.  Just remember, never trust an amish man with a pitch fork and stay off homemade swings overlooking the sides of cliffs.

Roadside Attractions:

– death by playground equipment
– baby mummies
– knitting needle-fu
– shotgun to the back
– jump rope hanging
– flare gun-fu
– washtub bashing
– eye stabbin’
– neck snappin’
– human doll displays
– redneck whippin’

trailers

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Apr

Comments Off on “The Horror Show” Rest Stop Review Edition

Yes, it’s another in a long line of death penalties run amuck films with “The Horror Show.” also known on the street as House 3 or House Tres for our spanish readers, it still has nothing to do with any of the other previous films or the even worse House IV: we’re running out of ideas.  Lance Henriksen plays detective Mcarthy who just recently locked away U.S.  history’s worse serial killer, Max Jenke. Ever since the arrest he’s been having bad dreams of playing hot potatoes with severed heads and dismembered cop hands. He hopes to finally get a good nights sleep after Jenke’s execution but it’s not an easy job with several false starts trying to jump start the electric chair (if you keep cranking it like that you’re just gonna flood it.) He’s finally turned extra crispy dead when they kick the electric chair into high and ignoring that fried psycho smell. Later in the morgue, Jenke’s spirit leaps into the electrical outlet and posses the Mcarthy’s family furnace where he can continue to haunt Mcarthy like a bad Wham song. Jenkes talks trash as a possessed roasted turkey, kills as stand up comedian, and occasionally materializes to hack up teenage boyfriends hiding out in basements.

All this makes Mcarthy thinks he’s going a bit crazy but a science geek who majored in electro-demonology confirms Jenke is very much alive and now in electrical form. Luckily he tells the detective all that just before he gets chopped up with a meat cleaver. The police suspect Mcarthy is actually a killer now since everyone he knows keep ending up dead so after a good cop bad cop interrogation, they send him home with a stearn warning and some dougnut coupons. Mcarthy ends up fighting Jenke in his netherworld power plant while his family is stuck in some sort of purgatory waiting room. The only way to kill this guy? Electrocute him again to bring him into the real world for a major smack down…. because if you failed the first time, try,try, try again.

Roadside Attractions:
Deep fried cop hands
Cajun style electrocution
Talkin’ turkey
Mutant preggers
Multiple chest choppings
Television shoot-out
Multiple electrocutions
Death by hard rock
Heads rolls
Heads explode
Cleaver-fu
Furnance-fu

The writer must have been having a severe case of Wes Craven envy when he slapped this script together with ideas ripped right out of Nightmare on Elm St and Shocker but Barry Goodall still says check it out… or watch a slap chop video. Either are just about as terrifying.

“The Horror Show” proving once again why the death penalty isn’t a good deterrent…but it sure is entertaining.

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