Archive for the 'Review by Barry Goodall' Category

Apr

Comments Off on Deadtime Stories: Tales of Death

Deadtime Stories isn’t just a bad horror anthology it’s also a subliminal government warning to parents to be careful who watches your kids, especially creepy uncles. Mike (Michael Mesmer)  is watching over his nephew Brian whose been having trouble sleeping lately. Could be the 2 liter of Mt. Dew he downed or that his rooms makes growling noises when the lights go out. A bedtime story should naturally ease his fears of having his face devoured but instead of tales of cute bunnies and dancing hippos learning valuable life lessons, Uncle Mike’s stories will likely turn Brian into a sex crazed psychopath. Hey, at least he’ll be a well rested sex crazed psychopath.

The first tale of terror stars Scott Valentine of Family Ties fame, still looking very 80’s but happily living the Medievil lifestyle. Scott plays Peter, an indentured servant to a couple of witches with a bad case of the uglies. They send Peter out to fetch them a local schmuck that they can woo with their feminine charms and sexy facial moles.  The witches disguise themselves as harem girls with a beer goggle spell then proceed to pour some weird ointment on his arm that eats through his wrist like some expired Preperation H. Then they use his severed hand as a voodoo GPS to find and dig up their sister’s remains for a late night family reunion. After a fun night of grave robbing, Peter is  instructed to lure a virgin to back to their cave so he can show her his medieval beer mugs and make her a virgin sacrifice to raise the dead sister. Realizing it could also be his last chance to ever have sex, Peter knives one of the witches in the head whose blood results in a reanimated Alice Cooper with jerry curls that tries to strangle everyone. So yeah…it really is a lot like a family reunion.

The next tale of terror from uncle Mike  is a Larry Flint version of little red riding hood. Rachel is a day dreaming jogger who has sexual fantasies about her puffy faced boyfriend. On a trip to the drugstore before her big date night she runs into Willi (Matt Mitler.) Willi is an incognito werewolf in dire need of some industrial strength tranquilizers and nair hair remover. His prescriptions get mixed up with Rachel’s Grandma so he has to go track her down before the full moon rises that night. Willi starts sprouting Ewok fur and makes the grandma into puppy chow. Meanwhile Rachel and her boyfriend are shagging out in the tool shed on a blowup mattress to 80’s soft rock. After an akward montage, Rachel heads back up to Grandma’s house while the werewolf uses her boyfriend’s intestines for dental floss. They fight to the  death on the living room rug never once jumping on the furniture and grandma is rushed to the hospital for some rabie shots. You just won’t see that on Jerry Springer.

Back to reality again, Uncle Tim is nearly at his breaking point with his insomniac nephew. How will he ever finish watching miss nude Universe with all these interruptions?  His final story for Brian revolves around a girl named Goldie Lox. She has the power of telekinesis along with some mad skills in human taxidermy while living in a house belonging to a family of loonies known as the Bear gang. Golide’s been propping up dead ex-boyfriends in funny poses and using up all their hot water for extended shower scenes. The family return after breaking their kids out of the psycho-ward and are charmed by Goldie’s dimwittedness and passion for  playing with dead things. The cops are eventually tipped off but arrive a bit late for a Waco re-enactment. Sadly, the family is just pigging out at a diner when the cops start blowing bullet holes into the side of the house for an extreme home makeover. The Bears skip paying their bill and commit a parking lot hit-and-run just before pealing off into the sunset never to be seen from again. Not sure what the lesson was on this one other than the perils of jay walking and high water bills. I think Uncle Mike was a bit drunk by then anyhow.

If little Brian isn’t sleeping now maybe some mild tranquilizer and warm milk might do the trick. Of course, if that doesn’t work maybe he should just let the monster in his room eat his spleen. Barry Goodall says pop Deadtime Stories into the VCR only if you’re feeling a bit too chipper and think there might be a bit of goodness left in humanity. It’s the equivalent of cinematic prozac.

roadside attractions

  • knife to the head
  • Creepy Uncle babysitters
  • Bucket-o-eyes
  • witch-heart face huggers
  • neck stabbin’
  • wood shackin’ up
  • extreme matress inflation
  • chest punch with heart removal
  • werewolf junkies
  • telekinetic taxidermy
totals

7

blood

BLOOD

Gallons of  werid witch goo, neck slashin’s, taxidermied boyfriends.

6

blood

BREASTS

gratutious shower scene and love making in the tool shed.

4

beast

BEASTS

werewolves, witches and escaped psychos…throw in a creepy uncle.

2.9 OVERALL
dripper

Deadtime Stories: Tales of Death…so nice they named it twice.

Check out the trailer for “Deadtime Stories”

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Mar

Comments Off on “Let’s Scare Jessica to Death” rest stop review edition

soup is done.

What is it about isolated houses on creepy islands that draw evil like flies to potato salad.  It’s a wonder anyone moves out of the city at all with all these free range demons and masked psychos roaming the hills. Some blame urban sprawl but it’s probably just to keep up ridiculously high townhouse prices.

“Let’s Scare Jessica to Death” just furthers this notion that country living ain’t safe for city folks. Jessica (Zhora Lampert) has just been released from a mental institute and her husband thinks driving her out to a fruit orchard in a hearse  might do her some good.

They take a ferry out to an island that has a town filled with geriatric mall walkers that don’t take kindly to strangers. Jessica and her husband,  Tim, also bring along their hippy 3rd wheeler (Kevin o ‘Conner) mostly so he can napalm their apple orchard with more chemicals than were dropped on Vietnam.

They discover the house is already home to a pale skinned squatter (Maricelliol Costello) who looks a bit like a young Reba Mcentire. She even plays guitar, so that means no TV, plenty of apple pies and sing alongs around the kitchen table. That is  at least until the peppermint Schnapps wears off.

Soon Jessica starts to hear voices in her head while  she’s frolicing out in a lake infested with floatie dead girls. (I caught one of them on a spinner lure once.) Later on, their undead house guest puts the moves on Tim. He’s a balding unemployed cello player  so you can see the obvious attraction. Tim thinks Jessica has already slipped back into wackoville so he makes the sign of the two headed wombat with the creepy skinny vampire on the living room floor. It’s like making love to a red headed pipe cleaner. Pretty soon everyone is doubting Jessica’s sanity  including Jessica. She starts seeing dead antique dealer just washed up onshore (a hutch appraisal gone horribly wrong) and shows off her new pet rat that just got mysteriously slaughtered in a pickle jar. Everyone start getting vampire hickies and Jessica is left alone to fight the neck sucking ghost while fending off groping old men in fishing vests. Creepy atmosphere tied together with hippy folk singin’ makes this movie ground chuck full of weird. Roadside Attractions: casket cello cases, marco polo water sports, vampire hickies, chemical spray frolicing,  hippie hating townfolks, geriatric flash mobs, rowboat workouts. It’s Carnival of Souls meets Woodstock without the laced brownies. Barry Goodall says to check it out and be sure to wash your apples before eating.

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Feb

Comments Off on Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II

Prom Night 2

It’s 1957 and Mar Lou Maloney (Lisa Schrage) is your resident bad girl who has a hankering for high school guys with receding hairlines. Just in luck, she’s dating Bill, apparently the only senior held back 20 times over. Fortunately she also loves him for his money, but on the side she’s been two timing with a greaser named Buddy. Mostly for the kicks and the free alcohol. This is the type of girl they warn you about on Laverne and Shirley. Her boyfriend finds out she’s been bumpin’ fenders with him back stage at the prom and accidentally sets her on fire with a stink bomb. Her dress goes up like it was crepe paper doused in kerosene but hey it’s the 1950’s, everything was flammable back then. Everyone pretty much stands around like it’s a marshmallow roast while she dies smoldering on the stage just before spotting the dumbfounded Bill in the rafters. That’s the moment when you know a relationship is over.

prom night 230 years later Bill, now played by Michael Creepy Ironsides, has taken on principle duty at the same high school after a failed career as a fire fighter, and Buddy the greaser has become a priest. Bill has been trying to fight the impulse to hit his teenage son Craig, with the heel of his shoe and Craig’s been dating homely girl Vicky (Wendy Lyon.) Vicky really puts the “V” back in Virgin. Her momma is so puritanical I expected her to start churning homemade butter any moment. She wants to go to the prom but her mom thinks her green mu-mu dress is perfectly fine and won’t buy her a new one on the slight chance she might expose some ankles and end up pregnant (pink silk is from the devil). Vicky, out of desperation, searches the attic of the high school and stumbles upon an old steamer chest full of prom night memorabilia including a prom crown and royal cap that  still has the fresh scent of Hell. It also possesses the peeved-off spirit of Mary Lou which is then released into the wild to possess Vicky. Possession usually involves head spinning and projectile vomiting but in this case it just gives Vicky Tourette’s syndrome and makes her dress like Donna Reed. Vicky’s friends start dying off one by one and she hallucinates she’s caught up in volleyball nets or served rotting food in the high school cafeteria. “Oh no, it’s not a dream Vicky this really is highschool!!!”

Her demonic rocking horse gets a little tongue frisky and she gets sucked into a chalkboard whirlpool of alphabet soup emerging with a full blown case of Mary-lou-itis. Then it’s all “girls gone wild” as she attacks her friends in the locker room in full-blown nakedness crushing them like a used juice box. Back at home, she throws her momma through the front door like it’s a pygmy dwarf toss. Pastor Buddy realized this was going to happen way too early on and of course is killed off swiftly in a confessional smack down along with a crucifix tracheotomy. Vicky still makes it back in time to help put up prom decorations and get frisky with her boyfriend backstage. Say what you want about Mary Lou, she’s great at time management and Vicky certainly has never been more popular.Prom Night 2

That night, the prom is in full 80’s swing, hair is gelled high, collars are popped and Vicky Lou is hoping to finally get her crown while hopefully staying clear of any open flames. Bill, realizing his son is now dating his ex-dead demon girlfriend brings a gun to the dance for some demon target practice. Oddly enough, the thought of going
out to buy or rent books on exorcisms, instead of packing heat and going to a school filled with teenagers, does not occur to him Faster than you can say “Carrie Blood Bath dance off”, The evil Vicky Lou gets shot in the chest while her boyfriend tries to work up some tears. Fortunately you can’t keep a bad girl down, so she sheds her skin revealing a well baked Mary Lou who starts offing the students with her super psychic powers. Yup seen that before. Catholics, possessions and proms, you always end up with a high body count. Mary Lou is one hot lady so it’s best to watch with oven mitts. Barry Goodall says give Prom Night 2 a chance. If you don’t like it, you can always leave the dance and go home with someone else.

roadside attractions

  • Prom-a-que
  • Death by confeitti
  • Neon impalement
  • Demon rocking horse with glandular problems
  • Static cling bed sheets
  • Chalkboard jacuzzi
  • Locker crushing
  • Exploding tombstones
  • Mac attack
totals

6

blood

BLOOD

Locker crushing, a couple stabbings, but they didn’t use the giant paper cutter!? How can you not use the giant paper cutter!!?

9

blood

BREASTS

So many..I feel sorta dizzy…must sit down.

8

beast

BEASTS

Mary Lou what a fine trailer wife you could be.

8.9 OVERALL
dripper

Hello Mary Lou..good bye heart…on a stick.

Check out the trailer for “Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II”

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Jan

Comments Off on “Hawk the Slayer” Rest Stop Review Edition

Hawk-the-Slayer

I bet he still can't do a pull-up

Before Conan the Barbarian flexed his pecks, Before Red Sonja heaved her breasts, Before the Beast Master stroked his ferrets, there was Hawk THE SLAYER. Hawk – Defender of truth, do gooder of justice, crusher of evil things, and a hero of hair gel. What we got here is a renaissance festival theater group deciding to put together a movie and dang it all if they didn’t get Jack “I crap better movies than this” Palance to sign on. They must have slipped a roofie in his coffee or had some incriminating evidence against him. By the way, Jack’s coffee is just a cup of coffee beans and some rocks for him to grind in his mouth. He’s that gristled.

Hawk the Slayer played by John Terry leads a rag tag group of live D&D action figures to fight the evil Voltan (Mr. Palance in a darth vadar suit)  who is actually the older crankier brother of Hawk. He’s still biter about Hawk stealing his stalker victim/girlfriend back in ye Medevil Highschool. She also took a torch to his face right before he accidentally cross bowed her on a canoe. Not really the best first date. No woman ever wanted old pizza face after that incident so Voltan has to adopt a son by the name of Volgo to pass on his legacy. Volgon only has aspirations  to assassinate his father and become “Lord of the dance.” but  he gets skewered by Hawk instead.  To top that off Volton’s Dad gives Hawk the Elven Mindstone suber duper glow sword  instead of him right before he died. Sorta like getting the keys to dad’s Corvette, so you can understand how Volton has some rage issues at this point. Hawk goesn traveling the countryside rescuing fair maidens and showing them how he can levitate his sword, and Volton is out burning villages and applying magic ointment cream to his face.

Hoping to seek his revenge, Volton  kidnaps a nun before any nazis can get to her first in hopes that  Hawk will show up before he torches the monastery at midnight. Hawk hears of this treachery and assembles a team of elves, dwarfs and giants to rescue her…and if they have time, maybe a quick LARP tournament afterwards.

Hawk mostly expresses feeling of apathy and blandness while performing David copperfield tricks to amuse himself while his buddies are getting hacked down by Voltons henchman. It would all be pretty depressing if it wasn’t done to 70’s disco music. Hawk must find the courage to fight his evil brother while defending the monastery and their secret pot of gold as Volton’s forces decend upon them for a epic final battle of glowing ping pong balls cheap sword play and silly string. I think the special effects budget just ran out.

Roadside attractions:  mace to the face, cross bow machine guns, dwarf protective death dome, magical hula-hoops, fishing with a whip, death by silly string, glowing ping pong ball attack, Vulcan elf ears.

Barry Goodall says rent it so that his suffering will not be in vein! huzzzzahhhh!

BEST QUOTE:

“Now this must stay a secret between you and me. Not only will I bring back the head of this Hawk, but I’ll have the gold as well. Then Voltan will see who is the lord of the dance.” – Drogo

trailers

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Looking for hard to find cult movies and unreleased DVD’s of some vintage b-movies then check out www.superstrangevideo.com. They provide many of the movies we review here at the site and will give you a great price on whatever film you’re trying to track down.

Jan

posted by admin | January 12, 2011 | 80's movies, Action, Bad movie, Review by Barry Goodall, Sci-Fi

Comments Off on Raiders of Atlantis

Raiders of Atlantis

“Raiders of Atlantis” aka “Atlantis Interceptors” sort of reminds me of “Rambo First Blood”…in that people will say “First Blood was a good movie, Raiders of Atlantis isn’t.” It’s a sort of “Everything but the kitchen sink” approach to filmmaking and could be the only movie to actually suffer from ADHD.

It all starts out as a white guy/black guy buddy movie with Mike (Christopher Connelly) and Washington (Tony King) chloroforming rich guys in mansions and then hog tying them up for delivery in the trunk of their car. After making their last drop and reminiscing about the Viet Cong they decide to take a boat trip. Their vacation is cut short though when they have to pick up survivors from a capsized ocean platform where a Russian submarine just popped up thanks to a large helping of baking soda. Toy subs in a bathtub have never been more breath taking. Somehow the radioactive missiles in the sub have also caused the ancient island of Atantis to rise, a sort of ancient island viagra. The sky grow darks, casio keyboards play in the distance and somewhere a bimbo gets a blow dart to the neck. Behold the mighty powers of Atlantis!

Raiders of AtlantisOne of the platform survivors is Cathy (Gioia Scola.) She’s your average super model scientist who has an ancient pre-Columbian tablet that possibly tells the secrets of the ancient city…and how Juan Valdez can pick all those dang coffee beans all by himself. After some brief sexual tension and discussions about spinach diners they all arrive ashore on a totally different island just to further confuse things. The town’s streets are abandoned and it’s inhabitants have all been brutally killed, a Packers celebration gone horribly wrong. but A gang of  “Road Warrior” rejects are still roaming the streets lead by a bouncer in a fish bowl helmet shaped like a skull. Because when you think evil leaders, you think clear plastic headware.

The biker gang attacks the survivors who hold up in a warehouse, alamo style and start flinging an endless supply of  flaming cocktails. Despite the unlimited ammo, Cathy stills gets kidnapped while Mike and his group try to go after her on a tour bus fending off any air dropped punk rockers. Mike, Washington, the professor, ginger, and a few nameless victims go along for a helicopter ride to the Atlantis Raiders of Atlantisisland to try to rescue Cathy. They somehow stumble upon an Indiana Jones stunt spectacular  including spiked jungle traps and poorly paid cliff divers. Mike has plans to sink the island since they have a professor aboard who can neutralize the radioactive missiles  in the now washed ashore submarine.  Once again this proves the theory that all island professors can build radio’s out of coconuts and reverse radioactive isotopes in their spare time.

Mike uses the totem as a sort of babe scientist GPS device guiding them to an underground tomb where Cathy is being held captive by the band Devo. They’re forcing her to perform as a backup singer in a Robert Palmer music video and solve pictionary puzzles while intravenously feeding her prozac. Tom and Washington fight 100’s of tribal gangs, nearly get chomped up in a ancient wind tunnel fan and dodge aztech death lasers only to find that she doesn’t want to go that badly and then disappears into the wall. Typical first date. The biodome on the island starts to shut and Tom and Washington have to high tail it out before the effects budget runs out.

Barry Goodall says it’s all good…but only  if consumed with large amounts of Pabst Blue and zucinni snappers. Check it out and don’t forget to wear a helmet.

roadside attractions

  • Gratutious use of spinach
  • Toy submarine
  • Drive-by decapitations
  • Flaming cocktails
  • Flame throwers
  • Aztech laser spectacular
  • Flaming helipcopters
  • Extreme wind tunnels
  • Jungle spike impalement
  • Punk rocker blow darts
  • Fish bowl helmets
  • Over use of the term “Come on!” and “Alright lets go!”
totals

8

blood

BLOOD

Decapitations, spearing, impaling gore.

3

blood

BREASTS

As cheap as this movie was they wouldn’t sink to that level. pity.

5

beast

BEASTS

If you count the Atlantis demon spirits, probably a dozen or so tops.

5.2 OVERALL
dripper

The original title was “I predatori di Atlantide” which roughly translated means, “I predict this movie will end up in the Atantic”

Check out the trailer for “Raiders of Atlantis”

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