Archive for the 'Review by Die-Anne Takillya' Category


posted by Die-Anne Takillya | May 29, 2014 | 90's movies, B-movies, Bad movie, Review by Die-Anne Takillya

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witchboard 2
Its been so long since you’ve heard from me, I decided to start over again by going back to the first time I was allowed to spew my warped opinions on crazy movies on this amazing site. I started out reviewing Witchboard, so what better way to triumphantly return than by watching the incomparable Witchboard 2: The Devil’s Doorway.
witchboard 2
Look at that cover. LOOK AT IT. It grabs you right on in: a buxom blonde getting strangled by a Ouija board. What could be greater? Oh, let’s find out. Where the first movie left off with the crybaby marrying the unpossessed Tawny Kitaen, and her landlady finding the Ouija board in the rubble, Witchboard 2 opens with cutie-pie Paige looking at a loft apartment while her skeezy landlord-to-be ogles her gluteal region.
Despite his creepy behavior and warnings about his crazy wife, Paige decides to lease the apartment. Of course, the fabled Ouija board is in the only closet in the place, so the stage is set for the impending terror. Of course, she gets settled in and decides to engage the dark side all on her lonesome, and meets a spirit named Susan, who starts to talk about a promotion that Paige is up for. She gets all excited until her ex Mitch shows up and starts yelling at her. There’s a lot of dramatic back-and-forth that boils down to him not understanding her artistic spirit, and then the landlady’s nephew, Russell shows up and tries to be gallant, threatening to call the cops to get him out of there, but Mitch informs us he is an officer of the law. Russell points out that he showed him his badge, and therefore has his badge number, so he can report his ungentlemanly behavior if he doesn’t vamoose.
witchboard 2Next, we get to see Paige at work, and let me tell you, this chica needs a power suit and some cojones if she’s going to get anywhere in the wild world of accountancy; especially when up against horse-face. No, not Sarah Jessica Parker, but another unfortunate looking actress in shoulderpads who is trying to best Paige out of the CPA position. I hate weak and stuttery characters, and that’s what Paige is shaping out to be: weak, unsure of herself, and afraid to stand up for herself. Something tells me that some demon is going to help her out with that.
Let’s talk about the landlady, Elaine, for a second. She’s wearing too much makeup to be a hippie, and the dopey voice is super annoying. Like, a total drag. Ugh. At least we get a teeny bit of exposition out of her; the possible identity of our Ouija ghost: Susan Sydney. The landlord, Jonas, interrupts us; and my gawd, is he the worst kind of stereotypical sleeze-bag prevert. “I’m the handyman around here, and if you ever need anything… I mean, AN-Y-THING…” Gag me with a spoon, already! If she wanted to get with a hedgehog, she can call Ron Jeremy. Yuck city. Alright, back to the film.
Who came up with the creepy tenement laundry room idea? I swear, if I lived in a place where the only area I could do my laundry in was in itself a horror movie set, I’d just go down the street to the Washeteria and be done with it. Too many horrible things have happened in basement laundry rooms, even in private residences. No thanks! Here we get our first taste of creepy activity; bangs and clanks, then she gets startled by Russell and uses self-defense techniques to nail him in the mommy-daddy button. He also tells us that Susan Sydney was the bee’s knees, and that he’s a photographer.
We get a lot of really awesome demon POV shots while Paige prepares for a bubble bath. She just gets to luxuriating, when she hears footsteps. Of course, she hauls her soapy wet tushie out of the tub and investigates, then has another tiny Ouija session. Susan is a ghost of very few words, and it is a little infuriating, especially when she spells out nonsense like A-R-T-I-S-T H-E-L-P and then makes the planchette freak out. But, this paranormal gibberish takes us to the first active violence we’ve seen: Something throws an axe at Jonas, then chases him around with a sawblade. He weasels away from that end by locking himself in the boiler room, but the dark forces are smarter than that, and they make the boiler cook him like a pot roast on your grandmama’s stove.
Now we start to see a little transformation in Paige; she puts ol’ horse-face in her place- Even uses the eff-word!- and tells Mitch off, then decides she wants to sit and let Russell shoot some snaps of her. He tries to bring out her inner sex-kitten, which doesn’t really work so well. When they return to the apartment, the cops are there, investigating Jonas’ death by pressure cooker.
Paige is in the grips of the dark side now; having nightmares (the Ouija board strangle! Ha!), and inspired to do mediocre sketches of creepy lady eyes and roses. Soon, her apartment is covered in sketches, and she’s starting to paint again. Mitch drops by to check on her, and apologizes for doubting her talent (I wouldn’t have gone that far, but he’s trying to make things up to her), and she asks him to look into the mysterious Susan Sydney.
At Jonas’ funeral, Russell reveals that Susan Sydney isn’t dead, and Paige tries to confront the Ouija board about it. After some more gibberish about a rifle cape (?), Mitch calls and says that there isn’t any record of Susan’s death. Paige gets mightily hacked off, and tells that devil board she’s going to throw it away, then it goes nuts, locking the door on her and witchboard 2slamming down all the shutters. Russell and Elaine come to the rescue, and they have a session on the Ouija, and more craziness comes out; it gives an address, but won’t cough up any personal details about Susan, then makes a mirror explode.
The address turns out to be bogus, there’s not a Parkwood street, but there is a ‘park’ in the ‘woods,’ and the scooby doo brigade heads out to find her final resting place. Paige is wearing some spectacularly short-shorts, which is way out of character and not functional for digging up shallow graves at all, and she’s making Russell take part in these shenanigans. I am getting bored, bored, bored. There’s only been one kill, and it was offscreen. Oh, wait,make that two; Mitch showed up in the woods and killed an opossum. There is more blood and guts in an episode of Lassie than there has been in this movie. Was this thing made for TV? Jiminy christmas, can I get some scares here? She has another sexy nightmare; the apartment looks like the set of a Stevie Nicks video, all candles and dry ice fog. We finally get a glimpse of Susan in the mirror…or is it?
Can I tell you how much I love the occult shop owner? I like this guy. Replace Paige with him, and this flick will pick up. He gives them an automatic writer and a book on the history of Ouija. She becomes some kind of scantily-clad cryptogramatical genius and deciphers Susan’s gibberish, and finds some earrings in the fireplace. She whips out the automatic writer and pisses off the ghost again, and makes it exact some demon justice by flipping Mitch’s car all over the San Fernando valley while Paige dreams about Susan getting murdalized by a gigantic chef’s knife.
She comes to, and Russell tries to talk some reason into her, telling her that the reason she’s wearing the clothes of a streetwalker is that she’s slowly being possessed, and convinces her to let Elaine throw the board and the automatic writer thingie away. Paige predictably fishes them out, and as soon as she fires up the board, Elaine gets taken out by a wrecking ball. Please, no Miley jokes. If I avoided them, so can you. The pace moves from neutral into first gear around the last eighteen minutes of this thing.  We finally figure out what Susan’s problem is, she slept with Jonas and Elaine butchered her, so yeah, she’s out for revenge but wants a body. So, she possesses Paige totally. We get a final fight scene, and Paige shakes off the possession, and she lays into the board with the pickaxe, destroying it and killing Susan, the evil stripper-ghost.
This movie is basically a rehash of the first one. Dead spirit wants to live again, and systematically destroys everyone around it to make it happen,, folks learn about the history of spirit boards, and you gotta pierce it with something sharp to make whatever’s in it die. Best part of the whole movie: Jim, the crybaby from the first movie, makes an appearance that leaves the ending open for yet another sequel.
All in all, its a very ‘meh’ kind of sequel. No real spooky stuff going on like in the first one; no gruesome death scenes, nothing really to write home about. They do call back to the first Witchboard a lot; the board changes just like it did, becoming more sinister as the movie goes on until it’s full-on evil board, the poor chick becoming sexier and angrier as the film progresses; like I said, a pale imitation of the original. It’s like comparing Evil Dead and Evil Dead 2: same basic story, but told in a different way, only this sequel was much less entertaining. If you cut out the 4 f-bombs and blurred out some photographed ta-tas, you could air this puppy on Lifetime.

roadside attractions

  • Ouija-fu
  • paint-fu
  • accountancy-fu
  • bad boyfriend-a-go-go
  • excessively tight jeans and jean shorts
  • bare midriffs at every turn
  • a few black eyes
  • bad photography




About a shot-glass full. Disappointing.




but on paper, so they really don’t count.





the evil stripper-ghost and Jonas the creepy landlord.


Watch the trailer to “Witchboard 2”



posted by Barry Goodall | April 5, 2014 | B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Review by Die-Anne Takillya

Comments Off on April Fool’s…better late that May

I’ve never been too good at pranks, never have needed to be. After all, there are many ways of being clever! Our flick for tonight, in case you hadn’t guessed is April Fool’s Day!

Muffy St. John has invited her closest friends to her island mansion for a weekend getaway on Spring Break. We get introduced to Nikki right off the bat, she’s the sassy, sexy one; then Chaz, the cute artistic womanizer; Arch, the hunky jock who’ll sleep with anything that has a pulse; Kit, the good girl; Nan, the nerdy prude; Hal, the gold-digger; Rob, the sensitive guy; and Skip, Muffy’s distant cousin.

Skip and Arch are playing mumbledy-peg when it all goes wrong. Don’t throw knives, kids! Rob and Buck dive in to the rescue, but oh! It turns out to be a prank! Skip and Arch cooked up a fake knife and a blood bag without anyone noticing! Buck the deckhand decides to stay in the water to tie the ferry to the dock, but Captain Cal drives it right into him, and Buck’s face meets the propeller. A lot of screaming and blood, but luckily, Sherriff Sam is right there on the scene, whisking Cal and Buck off to the hospital, and making sure the yuppies know to stay put on the island. (The island that has no way off of it, aside from the ferry that now has no captain, but we’ll overlook that)

Basically, what we have here is the flower of over-privileged 80’s college students out to take over the world, and who have no idea what they want to do with their lives, trapped in a mansion that’s been rigged to annoy and upset them. They have special party favors hidden in their rooms and the one in Nan’s sends her into a pure-d tizzy; a tape of a crying baby hidden in her closet, hinting at some dark past.  Nikki has a drawer full of S&M gear, and everyone else is confused and mildly put out by theirs. Arch goes on a great nookie hunt, and stumbles in on Chaz and Nikki in a position that the doctor from Human Centipede would be proud of. I’ve never seen anyone make the sign of the triple-gilled anteater like that before or since that trip to vegas and all the casino games. Heck, you can try some yourself at

Then things take a turn; Skip meets with misfortune in the boathouse during the night. Muffy has made a vicious personality change, and nobody much seems to care that Skip is missing until Rob and Kat attempt to make the sign of the electrocuted mud weasel and his dead body floats past. Then in classic style, they all split up.

I have to admit, this movie isn’t much on thrilling action so much as it is all about the psychological. Red herrings abound as they blame the ferry captain and Buck for the mayhem. People are getting picked off one by one; the water goes out and Nikki ends up in the well with Nan’s body and the decapitated heads of Skip and Arch. Then Hal, Chaz, and Nikki eat it in imaginary ways; we even have a pruning of the wangdoodle.

Soon, none but Rob, Kit, and Muffy are left. We get thrilling chases, during which there are pictures found of Muffy and…Buffy? Who’s Buffy? Oh, only Muffy’s psycho twin sister, who has decided that she and all her friends all have to go…permanently. It all ends with Rob locked in the pantry, and a showdown between Kit and Buffy, and in her final moments Kit stumbles into the den where she finds…

Everyone. They’re all alive and well, and laughing it up. Rob is released from the pantry by Buck, who is scaring him half crazy, when he takes off the prosthetic makeup and slaps it on Rob’s face and gives him a big ol’ smacker before chasing him to the Den. Everyone yells “April Fool’s,” and Muffy lets the cat out of the bag. There is no Buffy, but her twin is Skip. She’s going to lose her inheritance unless she can

maintain the upkeep on the mansion, so she’s decided to turn the mansion into a murder mystery house, and her friends are the guinea pigs. Aww, what a wholesome activity.

There’s one final prank, but I’ll let you see it for yourselves.

Roadside Totals:2 breasts, no dead bodies, no quarts blood, 3 quarts fake blood, 3 mannequin heads,  1 simulated wangdoodle removal, prank-fu, feathered hair-fu, exploding cigars, jack-in-the-box scares.

I think it’s what inspired M. Knight to make every movie have a twist.


posted by Die-Anne Takillya | September 16, 2013 | B-movies, New Releases, Review by Die-Anne Takillya

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I found a little treasure in the infamous $5 bin:  Devil’s Playground, a treat from our neighbors across the pond!

Newgen, a pharmaceutical company, has developed a drug meant to be a performance enhancer that you shoot into your veins instead of pour down your gullet. Everything goes smoothly for two months, but then the folks from the trial start vomiting like Linda Blair and having multiple organ failure; somehow the drug has given them a virus. This causes the company head to flip out, and round up all the guinea pigs. They find all except one, Angela Mills, who apparently is exhibiting none of the symptoms. They send their mercenary, Cole to find her, but alas, she has vacated her apartment and left no forwarding address.

Back at the lab, things are going to hell in a hand-basket. Wilhelm screams abound as trialists thrash around on their hospital beds, and we see the original test subject popping veins all over like a bodybuilder. He’s getting worse, because they stopped giving him the viral suppressant that was keeping him from turning into a zombie. Boy howdy, does he turn! He jumps off that table and starts chomping on scientists, leaping around the room like a cirque du soleil acrobat in boxer briefs. Cole dispatches him with extreme prejudice, but not before getting bitten.  He comes to, and the doctor gives him three doses of the viral suppressant juice, which gives him about 18 hours to find Angela and bring her back. In the meantime, we enter the only part of this movie I would have scissored out; we meet Joe, an ex-cop who was jailed for shooting a 14 year old who was high on crack during an altercation. Heís just made bail, and is trying to get back to Angela via family friend Steve. During all this, Angela is making plans to get out of the city and to her brother, Matt, who has a chopper to escape the outbreak.

London has gone berserk; the zombie folk running and doing parkour jumps all over the place. Every chase scene looked like an extreme sports video; runners, jumpers, flippers, leapers Hoo, boy! But do I love a fast moving zombie sometimes! Blood is always flying, teeth always snapping, it’s awesome.  Our little group of survivors is chased  all the way to Steve’s garage, and they’re met by an American banker and his British partner who have run from the subway where they got zombushed.

Cole finds them and saves them from a group of zeds that followed. Now starts the us against them portion of the story; the bank couple are scared that they’ll get left behind for a zombie midnight snack, so they start wheedling their way into the psyche of Kate, and convince her to lock Angela in the office while they all try to escape. Luckily, Joe is finally good for something and helps her climb out of the window while Cole dispatches the undead scum.

Joe has serious issue with Cole wanting to take Angela to the hospital; she is pregnant, and you don’t need Maury Povich to tell you that it’s his! So, heís basically treating her like a mean dog with a chew toy, and telling her where she’s gonna go and what sheís gonna do. The movie goes on like this for a while; they get chased, Cole rescues them, then they pull weapons on him and tell him Angela’s not going anywhere with them, then Angela says she is, then they get attacked again. It may be repetitive, but it is entertaining.

We then get to meet Matt and his partner Jim; theyíre police who used to work with Joe. They’re making their way to the chopper on an inflatable boat. I’m serious. Jim has been bitten, and has made Matt swear to put him down if he turns. When they arrive, the chopper has been destroyed; looks like the zombies got there first. Luckily, the radio is still working, and Matt receives instructions to meet a ship 10 miles down the Thames because the only safe travel is water; for some reason the ghouls are afraid of it. By this time, Jim has turned, and chases Matt into the ruins.

Back at the ranch, the bankers have locked Steve and Kate out of the fishing shack they ran to, and Steve gets bitten. Cole almost kills them when they confess, and Steve offs himself so he doesnít turn into a monster. Angela makes them all pile into the van, Cole convinces her that she is the only one who can stop this, even though Joe is being a real jerk about the whole thing; I mean,  the rest of the human race getting killed off, or your baby-mama giving away a few pints of blood? Which would you choose?

All hell breaks loose as they get to the choppahh Sorry, started channeling Ahnold the barbarian there. Ahem… where were we? Oh yeah! The bankers get left behind because the man got hisself bit and turned into a zombie, and the lady banker tried to kill Angela. Joe gets bitten in the fracas, decides to stay behind with Cole, and Angela ends up in the boat with Matt, on her way to safety and to save the human race.

All-in-all, it is a rollicking ride of a zombie movie. By rollicking, I mean it rides like that tilt-a-whirl that’s held together by duct tape and carny spit: You just kind of hang on for dear life and look forward to the end! It is an hour and a half long rip-off homage to 28 Days Later, Night of the Living Dead, and Dawn of the Dead.

Roadside totals:
Blood: GALLONS. Lots of good guts and gore flowing across your screen.
Breasts: No jahoobies were released during the filming of this movie.
Beasts: Too many to count, including the ones that weren’t zombies!
Gratuitous Inflatable raft, jealous dude, heads explode, acrobatic zombies, terrible accents.

Watch the trailer for “Devil’s Playground”



Comments Off on Summertime B-movies

The Burning: chosen by General Relativity

Cropsey, protagonist slasher of “The Burning”, is a camp maintenance dude who is brutally burned in prank gone wrong. Written by Oscar-grubbing producers Bob and Harvey Weinstein, “The Burning” is one of the archetypal summer camp slasher movies. Among the highlights, a brutally slow murder of a prostitute and incredibly swift takedown of about five kids on a raft using an absurdly sharp pair of hedge clippers. Also Jason “George Costanza” Alexander plays a a cool athletic bro, whose full head of curly hair is the envy of all campers and Fisher Stevens, of Short Circuit, plays a skinny weirdo. I can relate to Cropsey. When I was in 3rd grade, I attended Junior Chrono-scout camp. I was teased by the cool kids and jocks, probably because my interests skewed toward reading books about spacetime rather than pogs or yo-yos. One night, when I was out stargazing with my melvin friends, Ed Podgorski took my whitey tighty briefs out of my bag and threw them on the roof of the cabin. So I murdered him and his entire group of friends and I have returned to the Junior Chrono-naut Camp ever year on the anniversary to exact the same vengeance.

Friday the 13th: Part 3D: chosen by Die-Anne Takillya

To me, this is the best of the F13 franchise. Of course, I’m a sucker for cheesy 3D effects; after all, nothing says ‘good times’ like objects flying at your face… ahem.  But yes, this is the flick with some of the best kills: Harpoon gun to the eye, bare hands skull crushing, upside down male bisection right through the groceries, yikes!! Also, for my money, this one has the best old guy that predicts doom for the horny teenagers, I mean, he’s waving an eyeball around! Why don’t they listen? My only complaint about this one is the ridiculous side-story about Chris and her already surviving Jason once. Personally, I think final girl rules should have applied here, and she should have ended up taking a dirt nap, just like Adrienne King’s character in Part 2. But, we have to chase her traumatized behind around and she has not one, but two- count ’em: TWO! floating canoe hallucination-driven freakouts before the authorities drag her out of our lives forever. The hallmark of this one is of course Jason donning his trademark hockey mask, red markings and all. Other highlights include wormy boy getting the best of some rude biker punks, an excellent sweater knotted around the neck by Rick, Chris’ uptight yuppie boyfriend, and a pair of the biggest bongs I’ve ever seen. Let’s pack up and take a trip to Crystal Lake!

Madman: chosen by The Goon

Would you believe that Madman was originally based on the Cropsy Murders tale? No? Are you calling me a liar? Well, it’s true. But some other movie called The Burning came out first (heard that some Fisher Stevens and Jason Alexander dudes were in it and that Tom Savini guy did the effects… might be worth checking out), so they had to tweak the story a bit. Madman takes place on the last day of camp and during a cautionary tale about the title character, Madman Marz, one of the campers shouts his name and so the hunt begins! Marz, a very large dude who stomps around ripping and bashing things apart, stalks the camp, picking off the stupid counselors one by one as they do stupid things. Have I mentioned they’re stupid? They follow the formulated clichés, which could turn you off, but luckily the film saves it with over the top, gory deaths. Madman takes course over one dark night, which helps keep the story flowing at a good pace and I have to mention how well lit this movie is. The blue hues, mixed with the ambiance of howling wind and creaking wood floors, give the film a calm, but alarming feel to it. Overall, Madman is an underrated slasher, most likely due to its seemingly simple setup… and hammy acting, but underneath that is a gory, interesting slasher flick with a lot to offer. During the film, you’re left with that ‘last day of camp’ sadness, because you found who you were, you made friends and now you’re leaving… because you are being murdered. Oh, don’t expect this film to end happily. Interesting enough, there was supposed to be a sequel, involving the two surviving characters, one of which was institutionalized, but it never came to be. Oh yeah, check out my video review for Madman!

Hotel Hell: chosen by Barry Goodall

There are a lot of reasons not to stay in  cheap motels in the south. Bed bugs, cross burnings in the courtyards or the possibility of ending up in the owner’s BBQ recipe just to name a few. Motel Hell instilled this fear in me at an early age and nearly made me go vegan. Well only briefly, but who really wants to move to Portland? It stars the amazing Rory Calhoun as the hotel owner Farmer Vincent. He and his crazy sister have been kidnapping tourists and grinding them up into their BBQ meat to sell to the townsfolk.  But a good BBQ recipe is all in the preparation and Farmer Vincent likes to plant his victims up to their necks first and then cuts their vocal cords so they sound like they’re gargling mouth wash. I think that keeps em’ from tasting too gamey. Silly at times and disturbing at others it’s one of the classic summer time b-movies. Also be on the lookout for a guy in a pig’s head with a chainsaw during the gratuitous “damsel in distress strapped to a conveyor belt” scene. Remember, it takes all kinds of critters…to make Farmer Vincents fritters.

Jaws: chosen by Tiger Sixon

Most horror films make ya scared of the dark, be it with mask wearing psychos, slime covered aliens, or zombie insurance salesmen. It takes a special kind of horror film to make you scared of the DAY, as Jaws does. Nothing screams “summertime” more than swimming on a crowded beach on a nice afternoon. In Jaws though, the screams of “summertime” quickly turn to “SHARK!” as a man-eating beast from the deep makes a snack out o’ humans. The shark ruins all kinds of summer fun: sailing, swimming, holiday trips with relatives you can’t stand, and more. With blood and beast to spare, Jaws remains a summer classic–and still keeps people outta the water.
Sleepaway Camp: chosen by DoktorSummer is a accursed mixture of the sublime and the horrific: beautiful girls in bikinis and screaming heat waves which melt pavement; three months off and nothing to do; summer camp. Summer camp is the epitome of the best and worst that summer has to offer, and Sleepaway Camp is the motion picture embodiment of summer camp. There are horny, idiot boys and snotty, mean girls. Creepy camp counselors and staff. Idiotic group games and activities. Awkward making out which reminds you of the time you secretly watched Daddy and second daddy making love. Wait, what? … And then there’s the really scary stuff, the things you get lifelong therapy for: short shorts and half shirts, on the guys. BLARGH! Best of all, just like boarding the bus to return home, Sleepaway Camp knows how to put innocent summer fun to an end with extreme prejudice. Choke on that, M. Night Shyamalan.


posted by Die-Anne Takillya | May 7, 2013 | B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Review by Die-Anne Takillya

Comments Off on Cinema Wasteland and Blood Orgy

Blood OrgyOn April 5-7, 2013, I invaded Strongsville, Ohio for Cinema Wasteland, and had an absolute blast! I got to spend time with all the Wasteland family, and got to meet one of my true heroines, Brinke Stevens. There was a Slumber Party Massacre reunion with a screening and a panel with cast and crew, 42nd Street Pete had a great talk with Gary Kent, A. Ghastlee Ghoul’s Ghastlee Night at the Movies, Tom Sullivan’s Evil Dead museum, and so much more; but the true highlight of my weekend was going to the screening of Blood Orgy at Beaver Lake with the crew from Silver Bullet Pictures and Troma.

The movie began with a warning, followed by one of the best animated credit sequences I have ever seen, and just about the best theme song in the world. You know from the jump that you are going to see plenty of the 3 B’s.

Blood Orgy

So the flick opens with two of Mr. Delicious’ lady-goons, Joey and Taffy, on the way to Dr. Bung’s laboratory to see if he has finished making the new street drug for them to sell. Dr. Bung and his assistant, Larry are hard at work, because the new drug: Sextacy 69 (A mix of Cocaine, Ecstacy, and Viagra) isn’t quite ready.

They show the ladies a video showing the day that Scott Baio, the test monkey is given a dose, and he goes… well… bananas, and ends up violently… loving Larry’s face, which why he’s in a neck brace.

It hasn’t been tested on humans yet, but the goons force a dose into him, because Mr. D is tired of waiting on his drug.

Blood Orgy

Dr Bung turns into a sex-crazed zombie, complete with a gigantic… er… appendage, and kills Larry the only way a sex-crazed zombie with a gigantic appendage knows how kill a man, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. The goons shoot Dr. Bung and the reanimated Larry, then decide to get rid of the bodies.

They tell Mr. D that Dr. Bung and Larry have run off with his merchandise to Beaver Lake. (In this scene, you’ll see Troma’s very own Lloyd Kaufman as newscaster Harry Ballsonya, reporting on the escapades of the dreaded “Chicken Clucker.”) They decide to go ahead and dump the barrel holding what’s left of the doctor and his unfortunate assistant in Beaver Lake.

Then we cut to a car full of happy campers (Dick, Candy, Peter, Mandy, and Bertha) on their way to a weekend of fun and sun at Beaver Lake. They  ignore the warnings of the wise old man, and continue on their way.

They meet up with their stoner friends, Jerry and Terry, at the ol’ camper and scare away a beaver. They have a happy little renunion; but they’re being spied on by a couple of the hillbilly locals, Cleetus and Clem, who plan on joining the party uninvited. Cleetus is the one with the brains, and tells Clem to get lost and let him watch the fillies, so he sits down and has a strange fantasy where he marries the Destructo Ducko, the centerfold from Quackwhore Magazine. I’ll not spoil what happens for you. That’s a gift for you.

The goons have to stop for directions on the way to Beaver Lake, (Which they get from a feller named ‘Stinky Thumbs.’ I’ll let you get the full effect of that), and bananas for their daquiris, but Taffy doesn’t latch the hatchback when they leave, and the barrel full of Dr. Bung, Larry, and the Sextacy 69 rolls out the back of the truck and into the woods.

The party is rocking at Beaver Lake, everybody’s dancing and getting high; playing volleyball and cavorting around the Beaver Lake park. All seems right with the world… for now. They go back to the camper, toasting and reminiscing. Somebody spills a drink on Mandy, and it’s time for a gratuitous shower scene, complete with peeping hillbilly Clem touching himself in a way that requires confession. He makes a little too much noise, and she almost catches him. He runs into the woods to his still, where we find that Cletus is not happy with the latest batch of moonshine.

Our friend, the Beaver, has found the barrel of goo and starts to eat it, whereupon it has the same effect that it had on Scott Baio. Namely, boooiiiinnnngggg! This makes Cletus notice the barrel, and he tastes it, too! Cleetus and Clem add the goo to their ‘shine, and are thrilled with the results.

They decide to take it home to momma, but on the way, the chemicals start to take effect. Cletus and Clem don’t look too good, and they warn Momma not to drink too much, but she guzzles a snoot-full. It turns her into a smoke-farting sex-monster who does unholy things with a turkey leg, and I’ll tell you good people right now, you will see something that will make you scream out loud in terror and joy. After Momma slings her love-slime all over the place, the boys leave in search of some ladies of their own.

Meanwhile, Joey and Taffy find that Beaver snacking on the remnants of the Sextacy 69, and shoo him off, following the trail to Cletus and Clem’s house.

By now, the tainted ‘shine has fully taken ahold of Cleetus and Clem, and they attack two topless joggers, spreading the sex-madness further around Beaver Lake. Poor Bertha goes for a late night swim, and is beset upon by our randy pair of rednecks, who behead her, and perform fenal acts upon her remains.

Joey and Taffy find the barrell at momma’s house, and go inside, where Momma has been abusing herself with the ‘drilldo.’ If you have to ask what that is, you’ll never know. They ventilate her tumescent zombie hide.

Dick and Candy have been searching for Bertha by the lake, and they get attacked by one of the topless zombie joggers, and bite the… dust. Or get bitten by it. At least, Dick gets something bitten off. Whatever. Keep watching.

Jerry and Terry are staying at the camper in case Bertha comes back, but they’re taken out. Jerry’s head gets squashed like a 2-week old cantaloupe, and Terry gets eaten. Things have just got cray-cray.

Dick has shuffled his way to Momma’s cabin, and attacks the goonettes. Taffy gets bitten before Joey can shoot him, and they run from the hoarde of hot-to-trot zombies. They run into Peter and Mandy, who are enjoying nature (wink-wink), and then they all run to a cabin and lock themselves inside. They’re down to four bullets, and Joey has to use one to dispatch Taffy after she turns.

All the sexified zombies have surrounded them, and it looks like everyone is about to get bitten and bangulated. All of a sudden, our Beaver pal is outside and drinks a snoot-full of the tainted ‘shine, and morphs into a man-sized beaver with a gigantic appendage of his own. He was so ready to rock, they could have called him Axl.

Everyone goes outside the cabin, and the Beaver… well… um, let’s say Gallagher has nothing on this fella. His… um… beaver gravy (can I say that? Beaver gravy?) melts the zombies, and saves the day, walking off into the moonlight.

I have to tell you, I stood up and cheered at the end of this movie. I had the pleasure of sitting in front of the writer/director, Mike Hartman, and got to share an adult beverage with him and several other folks involved in this beautiful picture.

Drive-In Totals:

Blood: Gallons, just like you’d expect. Not like Niagra Falls, but a good, healthy amount of blood.

Breasts: 25. God Bless America.

Beasts: Scott Baio, Dr. Bung’s Appendage, Stinky Thumbs, Cletus, Clem, Momma, Chicken Clucker, 2 Topless Zombie Joggers, Zombie Dick, Zombie Candy, Zombie Terry, and of course, the Beaver. Dear Lord, the Beaver.

Science-fu, Monkey-Fu, Beaver-fu, Chicken clucking, People making the sign of the epileptic wombat all over the place, heads roll, appendages roll, and the second-highest breast count I’ve seen since Black Candles. There is nothing socially redeeming in this movie, and no lessons learned. Scott Baio was not harmed during the making of this movie.

Check out the trailer for “Blood Orgy”



About the Highway

Lost Highway is your satirical detour down the twisted back roads of b-movies and cult films reviews. learn more >>