Archive for the 'Review by Die-Anne Takillya' Category

Jun

Comments Off on Inheritance

I managed to make it out of the trailer park for a while; I was going stir crazy under that house arrest! You have no idea how pesky those little ankle bracelet trackers can be! Luckily, with the aid of some cooking spray, a pie cutter, and a drifter, I’ve squirreled free and have been on the road for a little while. You have no idea the bother one tiny little missing persons report will bring you! Pat just won’t let it go no matter how many times I tell her that Bert has gone night fishing and I don’t know when he’ll be back. Granted, this trip is a bit longer than
usual, and his car is in the driveway, and the boat is at the dock, but I try not to meddle in his affairs. And yes, I had the carpet ripped up and replaced with E-Z-Kleen Linoleum and bought more than the usual share of bleach and quicklime on our credit card, and the meat tenderizer is missing from the utensil drawer…but that…that shouldn’t raise any eyebrows! Not here at The Lost Highway, anyway.

inheritanceSo that’s where I’ve been, on the road with my dark glasses and my hair all cut off! I’ve broken the mold a bit and have been checking out some newer flicks, some BRAND-SPANKIN’ NEW, and I have to tell
you, that bad movies are timeless. This one I have for you today is a doozy!

The Inheritance (2011) is a thriller that begins with three carloads of people complaining about their family reunion in the dead of winter. The ground is covered in snow, and everyone is whining and complaining about crazy Uncle Melvin (The incomparable Keith David) holding the reunion this time of year. We meet in turn the family: Tyrone, Simpson, Lily, Karen, and Henry. Joining the party are Simpson’s boss Martin, and his wife, Julie. Everyone has their butt on their shoulders until they arrive at the old plantation house and mess around on the snowmobiles after getting a gift from dear Uncle Martin, a box full of champagne and reefer.

Everyone gets messed up; Martin and Julie go upstairs and we get a scene of them making the sign of the epileptic platypus while the rest stay downstairs and have a talk about why they’re all here and basically how much money they’re going to ask their family for. They refer to their family as “The Elders,” which is strange at best, but hey, it’s a family thing. Then they start playing around with the various drums while Simpson reads aloud from a tattered old book.  We know something supernatural is happening because we go into slow motion and Lilly performs an off the cuff ceremonial dance in the living room, then starts flipping out when the words, “THE FLESH IS THE STRENGTH” appear, written in bloody snow on the window. That’s when everyone calls it a night, and Martin and Julie get murdalized.

Now, I don’t know about you, but I’d pretty much just up and leave if I awoke from a dead sleep to one of my aunts or uncles just sitting there staring at me. This family, no, they’re not surprised at all, but jump out of bed for the festivities. And, how, what festivities!

The Elders have moved all the furniture from the living room except for some fur rugs and sigils drawn on the floor, and 5 chairs. The Elders are decked out in ceremonial African garb, they seat the cousins, and Uncle Melvin proceeds to tell the family history…in fantastic flashback!

Back in the days of slavery, their family was all on this plantation. A slave named Chakabazz survived a lynching. Turns out he was a healer and a prophet. He offered them freedom, wealth and power if they sacrificed their firstborns to him. The family brought the children, 3 boys and 2 girls. He does some spell  in his cabin,  all the kids start screaming, and all but one is killed. The one left alive is The Vessel, meant to start the family line over again. Chakabazz tells the adults that they must pay him tribute each generation, “Do not forget me, for I shall not forget you.” Nobody has much to say about this story aside from Simpson, who laughs and insults The Elders, and who is silenced with a slap across the face by Karen. Everyone disperses after a very creepy moment (one of many) between Karen and Uncle Melvin, who promises to talk to The Elders so everyone can ask for their cash later on.

Everyone kinda does their own thing from here, and Karen decides to take a bath. During which she falls asleep and has some bathtub dream sex with the ghost of Chakabazz, and wakes up to none other than Uncle Melvin staring at her! That’s the universal symbol for GET OUT AND FIND AN ADULT YOU CAN TRUST! She dissolves into horrible cramps, and chews on some roots given to her by one of the other Elders, but they don’t do much for the pain, they’re basically tenderizing her insides for the propagation of her family line via more freaky ghost relations.

From here it’s a mess; everyone comes under attack by African warriors, they can’t decide whether to stay in the house or in the car, Lilly drives away only to crash, then the remaining four run back into the house, Lilly’s mom makes a surprise appearance and screams about them not going to take her baby, at which Uncle Melvin laughs creepily and that’s the last we see of her. Everyone else hides in the car, and they try to drive off until they come across Lilly’s car, then find the body of poor Martin in the back and start running through the forest. Simpson breaks a leg and is being dragged by the rest on a makeshift litter, and they stumble across a bonfire and a full-on ritual.

The Elders summon the spirit of Chakabazz to come and take his sacrifice, and soon all we’re left with is Henry and Karen locked in a room in the main house. Henry is busy writing an email to tell the story of what’s happening, when Karen, all hopped up on Chakabazz, takes an axe to his cranium. THEN THE MOVIE ENDS!! OH, CURSE YOU, ABRUPT AND SORTA AMBIGUOUS ENDING!

Through all of this, the tragedy is that the story is awesome, but the movie was ploddy and boring in parts; too much plot got in the way of the story. It’s still worth a watch once or twice!

We’ve got 3 breasts, 1 beast, and 5 quarts blood; head-hacking, creepy uncle lurking, bathtub nookie, drunken ritual dancing, root eating, leg snapping, knife-fu, throat cutting, head on a stick, hatchet-fu, face slapping, spirit summoning,  cannibal ghost relatives, 6 dead bodies.

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Apr

Comments Off on “April Fool’s Day” Rest Stop Review Edition

Hi, I’m Mary O’Reilly O’Toole O’Shea…April fool’s! It’s Donna Bleed! I’ve never been too good at pranks, never have needed to be. After all, there are many ways of being clever! Our flick for tonight, in case you hadn’t guessed is April Fool’s Day!

Muffy St. John has invited her closest friends to her island mansion for a weekend getaway on Spring Break. We get introduced to Nikki right off the bat, she’s the sassy, sexy one; then Chaz, the cute artistic womanizer; Arch, the hunky jock who’ll sleep with anything that has a pulse; Kit, the good girl; Nan, the nerdy prude; Hal, the gold-digger; Rob, the sensitive guy; and Skip, Muffy’s distant cousin.

Skip and Arch are playing mumbledy-peg when it all goes wrong. Don’t throw knives, kids! Rob and Buck dive in to the rescue, but oh! It turns out to be a prank! Skip and Arch cooked up a fake knife and a blood bag without anyone noticing! Buck the deckhand decides to stay in the water to tie the ferry to the dock, but Captain Cal drives it right into him, and Buck’s face meets the propeller. A lot of screaming and blood, but luckily, Sherriff Sam is right there on the scene, whisking Cal and Buck off to the hospital, and making sure the yuppies know to stay put on the island. (The island that has no way off of it, aside from the ferry that now has no captain, but we’ll overlook that)

Basically, what we have here is the flower of over-privileged 80’s college students out to take over the world, and who have no idea what they want to do with their lives, trapped in a mansion that’s been rigged to annoy and upset them. They have special party favors hidden in their rooms and the one in Nan’s sends her into a pure-d tizzy; a tape of a crying baby hidden in her closet, hinting at some dark past.  Nikki has a drawer full of S&M gear, and everyone else is confused and mildly put out by theirs. Arch goes on a great nookie hunt, and stumbles in on Chaz and Nikki in a position that the doctor from Human Centipede would be proud of. I’ve never seen anyone make the sign of the triple-gilled anteater like that before or since.

Then things take a turn; Skip meets with misfortune in the boathouse during the night. Muffy has made a vicious personality change, and nobody much seems to care that Skip is missing until Rob and Kat attempt to make the sign of the electrocuted mud weasel and his dead body floats past. Then in classic style, they all split up.

I have to admit, this movie isn’t much on thrilling action so much as it is all about the psychological. Red herrings abound as they blame the ferry captain and Buck for the mayhem. People are getting picked off one by one; the water goes out and Nikki ends up in the well with Nan’s body and the decapitated heads of Skip and Arch. Then Hal, Chaz, and Nikki eat it in imaginary ways; we even have a pruning of the wangdoodle.

Soon, none but Rob, Kit, and Muffy are left. We get thrilling chases, during which there are pictures found of Muffy and…Buffy? Who’s Buffy? Oh, only Muffy’s psycho twin sister, who has decided that she and all her friends all have to go…permanently. It all ends with Rob locked in the pantry, and a showdown between Kit and Buffy, and in her final moments Kit stumbles into the den where she finds…

Everyone. They’re all alive and well, and laughing it up. Rob is released from the pantry by Buck, who is scaring him half crazy, when he takes off the prosthetic makeup and slaps it on Rob’s face and gives him a big ol’ smacker before chasing him to the Den. Everyone yells “April Fool’s,” and Muffy lets the cat out of the bag. There is no Buffy, but her twin is Skip. She’s going to lose her inheritance unless she can

maintain the upkeep on the mansion, so she’s decided to turn the mansion into a murder mystery house, and her friends are the guinea pigs. Aww, what a wholesome activity.

There’s one final prank, but I’ll let you see it for yourselves.

Roadside Totals:2 breasts, no dead bodies, no quarts blood, 3 quarts fake blood, 3 mannequin heads,  1 simulated wangdoodle removal, prank-fu, feathered hair-fu, exploding cigars, jack-in-the-box scares.

I think it’s what inspired M. Knight to make every movie have a twist.

Dec

Comments Off on Black Christmas (1974): Rest Stop Review Edition by Donna Bleed

A Norman Bates Family Christmas

A Norman Bates Family Christmas?

Making my holiday cookie deliveries around Lost Highway I ran into The Doktor, and we got to talking about our favorite holiday movies. Naturally, Black Christmas was at the top of both our lists, but there was a problem. He thinks the 2006 remake is the better film, while I stand steadfastly by the 1974 original. We decided to go head-to-head and run it by you fine folks. You decide which is better, judging by our 3-B breakdown and critique of each film.

Black Christmas (1974) opens at a sorority house all decked out for the holidays. There is a creepy POV of someone climbing into the attic. Downstairs, the girls are in the Christmas spirit, except Barb (Margot Kidder) whose mother decides to run off with some man rather than see her daughter on Christmas. She returns to the party, and the phone rings again. Apparently, the house has been plagued by an obscene caller, and boy is he a doozy. The call is frightening. I’m serious; if I got a phone call like these gals got, I would not only change my phone number, but I would smash the phone the call came through on into tiny pieces, then pour gasoline over the tiny pieces and set them on fire.

Anyway; after the first call, Claire goes upstairs to finish packing, but doesn’t quite make it, because some psycho wraps a dry cleaning bag around her head. Next thing we see of her, she’s dead in the attic in a rocking chair. The house mother Mrs. Mac comes home, and the girls give her an ugly housedress as a gift. They all scatter to the four winds while Mrs. Mac finds one of the eight thousand bottles of whiskey she has hidden around the house and starts a-guzzlin’. Claire’s dad shows up looking for her; Jess reveals she’s in a family way and wants an abortion and her boyfriend, Peter, doesn’t like that idea; the psycho goes to town. Phone calls, killing Mrs. Mac with a hook and pulley, stabbing Margot Kidder with a crystal unicorn, cop killing, implied murder of a little girl, killing Phyllis offscreen, rampaging through the house and scaring Jess half to death; making her so crazy she thinks it’s Peter and she beats him to death with a fireplace poker.

Why do I think it’s better than the remake? Simple-there is no reason for this dude to be torturing and killing these girls. NONE. We don’t know who he is, aside from thinking his name might be Billy (He screams this name repeatedly during the phone calls), and we don’t know what he wants or what set him off, or why he chose them and not the house down the street. We’re just as much in the dark as poor Jess is at the end, running around and trying to defend herself.

But, let’s get down to brass tacks:

Blood: I’d say about 2 quarts blood. There’s not a whole lot of onscreen violence, and we only see the aftermath of a couple of the killings.

Breasts: No breasts, which is surprising given when this movie was made. The girls are wholesome, aside from Jess, whom we know has been making the sign of the epileptic wombat with Peter, which has resulted in her being knocked up.

Beasts: 3 beasts: Margot Kidder- A drunken wreck until her untimely demise. Not pretty, and a sign of things to come. Mrs. Mac- This woman is so ugly, when she was born, the doctor slapped her momma. Last, but not least, Billy- Psycho extrodinare.

Roadside Attractions:
Dry-cleaner bag-fu, hook and pulley-fu, fireplace poker-fu, crystal unicorn-fu, obscene phone call-fu

3cheese

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Nov

posted by admin | November 21, 2010 | Holiday films, Review by Die-Anne Takillya

Comments Off on A Holiday Greeting from Donna Bleed

[Editor’s Note: We received this DVD from Donna Bleed via FedEx this morning. The below is transcribed from the salvageable audio, with visuals and other parties in italics. We have not contacted the proper authorities, because the contents below are bewildering, and we don’t want her coming after us.]

Woman’s face, smiling. This can safely be assumed to be Donna Bleed. Ah, Thanksgiving! The one day a year when you gather together with family to stuff yourself and watch football, or air all the family’s dirty laundry and point out everybody’s shortcomings. This is the preferred tradition of my Mother in Law, Pat. I’m not allowed to call her Pat. She *insists* I call her Mother, and it makes me cringe. This is a woman for whom schadenfreude is not an emotion, but a religion. She sucks the life out of a room like a dour succubus. She refuses to eat my cooking, despite her devoted son’s reassurances of how delicious it is (and IT IS!). I’m not good enough to cook for him, and she always fussing about me and the way I keep this trailer house. I’ve wanted to have a chat with her about her manners, and show her just how lucky her son is to have me. She wants a bad dinner, I’ll show her a bad dinner! Camera turns, we are now able to see a bright, spotless kitchen, moving into a living room. Dominating the room is a large television, in front of which is a high-backed chair. Bits of duct tape peek around the sides.

Luckily, I was able to send Bert and Dad out for another bag of cranberries so I can finish up the last bit of baking for tomorrow, leaving Mother and I here for some ‘girl time.’

Mother snuck a piece of the ‘guest fudge’ and she’s now sitting in her favorite chair. She’s going to sit there quietly while I show her my very favorite dinner scenes from some great horror movies. If she’ll stop wiggling, I won’t have to rewind. I want her to see just how bad a dinner could get.

The camera pans back around, to Donna’s face. The camera is placed on a stationary object. She exits the room, and returns shortly with a chair, likely from a dining table. She sits it next to the high-back chair, then moves towards camera, then turns and sits in the chair. We hear a snap, and she leans over to the high-backed chair. A woman’s screams immediately begin.

DB: Oh, hush, Mother. I swear, you make the biggest fuss out of nothing. Screams continue. Donna snaps her fingers. SHUT UP. You are not in charge right now, this is my show. You’re going to watch, and you’re going to learn! Let’s start! Donna points a remote at the television, and it turns on. A slide show presentation begins. The numbers and titles were taken directly from the slide show. All transcribed audio is Donna Bleed talking.

10. Thirteen Ghosts (1960) This is a rather tame one compared to the rest, but I like it because it sets the scene for the mayem of the rest of the movie. All the exposition happens around the dinner table. [She turns to face the woman in the chair, gesturing with the remote control.] See, Mother? See how calmly they’re all talking? [Reply indistinct.] Pass the peas, and by the way, you’re all going to die because there are 12 ghosts in your house, you play with the Ouija, and the Wicked Witch of the West is your maid. Look at how civilized they are! [She turns back to face the television, pointing the remote control.]

9. The Legend of Hell House (1973) One of the finest furniture-flinging, pissed-off poltergeist, chasing skeptics around the room scenes ever put to film…[Screams resume, with cries of “Help!” DB pauses the video and stands, pointing at the person in the chair] and if you don’t shush with that screaming… [DB leans out of frame, then back, brandishing a throw pillow] …I’ll stuff this throw pillow between your teeth and you can choke on imitation goose down. Nobody here will help you, they know better. [Screaming is replaced with muffled crying. DB tosses the pillow out of frame and nods curtly.] That’s more like it. [DB sits back down, and starts the video.] Now where were we? Oh yes! Look! The plates jitter and jive all over that table like they’re doing the Bristol Stomp! Those slivers of broken glass look sharp as a pistol, don’t they, Pat? [DB looks sharply at Pat, leaning on the arm.] Do you mind if I call you Pat? [Reply indistinct] Oh, every time I look across the dinner table at you, I picture something like this happening. You know, I think you do, too. It’s so great to bond. [DB reaches over] Here, let me get that hair out of your face…there you go. [DB advances the video]

8. Carrie (1976) While less dramatic, we’ll keep in vein with the souped-up psychic phenomena. She’s going to the prom, Mrs. White, and you’re not going to stop her! [DB slams her fist on the arm of the chair, glaring at Pat] I married your son, Pat! [Crying resumes] You couldn’t stop me, no matter how many times you stood across the room and called me a witch! [DB slaps her knee, bending over in her chair, laughing. She sits back up, pointing at the screen] All it took was a cup of lukewarm apple-cinnamon zinger thrown in her face and she turns into a telekenetic wunderkind, holding momma captive in her own kitchen. No smashing crockery, but the threat that if she wanted to she could, and she’d enjoy it. She’s not going to her closet, she’s gonna let the boys look at her dirtypillows. So there. [DB advances video]

7. American Gothic (1987) This movie is not well known, sadly, but it’s one of my favorite twist-ending psycho-family flicks. This is one of a couple of dinner scenes, but the first one is a big ol’ red flag screaming to these liberal types to just go on and row their way back to the mainland before they become beef-jerky barbie dolls. There are blessings, and there are BLESSINGS, right, Pat? And when Yvonne De Carlo scolds you for not being in the Clean Plate Club and for telling tall tales about the moon landing, you know something’s just not right. Pa made me uncomfortable when he talked about the vice of tobacco. You can’t get their dander up too early, or they’ll run, unless they’re stupid…oh, wait. Heh, that’s just what happens. [DB advances the video]

6. Dead Alive (aka Braindead, aka Dead-Alive) (1992) I’ll never forget the first time I saw this one, Pat. It was a special day! I had to rewind it to be sure I had seen what I thought I saw. One of the pinnacle gross-out, gag-o-matic scenes ever put on film; you’ve got skin sloughing, zombie slobbering, ooze spewing, undead pus-filled pudding eating…it’s beautiful in it’s awfulness. Hats off to Peter “The One Ring” Jackson for making one of the grossest films ever put to celluloid, right, Pat? [DB looks at Pat] Pat? Oh, this is why I keep smelling salts handy…[DB drops the remote and stands, reaching into her apron pocket. She leans in to Pat. A sharp snap, and Pat’s screaming resumes] There we go. [Screams continue] Yes, yes; now you were nice and calm just a second ago. [DB points at the television behind her] Don’t make me rewind this…[Screams immediately stop. DB turns, picks up the remote and sits down.] That’s better. Moving on! [DB advances the video]

5. Hannibal (2001) He’s so classy, that Hannibal the Cannibal, especially when he’s murdering somebody! [DB leans on the chair in a relaxed way] Making sauteed brains in a copper fait-tout out of the man who got Clarice fired! How elegant, how refined…and she’s so ungrateful! [Muffled; possibly “Right” or “Uh-huh”] I saw this one in the theater, and when he removed the top of Paul’s head, I couldn’t help but laugh with delight, much to the discomfort of my fellow theater patrons. [DB looks at Pat] You’re looking a little green, Pat; you know, I thought you were made of stronger stuff! Just focus on the silverware. [DB advances video]

4. Psycho (1960) You’re the only guest at the motel, you just stole a bunch of money from your job, and the awkward clerk invites you up to his house for dinner. The room is full of taxidermied animals and over your sandwiches and coffee, he tells you he did it himself. [DB looks at Pat] That is the time you put down the sandwich (to quote you, “who knows WHAT it’s made of!), [Pat chuckles] and drive off into the night. How many warning signs do you need? Then dear old MOTHER starts screaming from upstairs about the whore in her parlor? Yeah, let’s sleep there! [Laughter from both. DB advances video.]

3. Alien (1979) I have never clutched my chest so hard in my life; this is the kind of heartburn that no kind of antacid or bicarbonate soda will even touch! Alien larvae incubating in your esophagus, just waiting on you to scarf down on some galactic spaghetti-o’s, then BAM! Space spawn all over your formica table. Everyone screaming, then out pops that bugger like a stripper from a giant cake…memories. [ Pat, indistinct, “…seen that? No!” DB turns to face Pat] You have to admit, this is brilliance right here. [Pat, indistinct, ”..better…Ressurection…”] I mean, come on, exploding John Hurt! Alien chest babies! Dinner is the beginning of the end for this crew! [DB advances video]

2. Misery (1990) This was another one that had multiples to choose from, and it is hard to pick a favorite, but one that speaks to me, [DB looks at Pat] especially when it comes to our relationship, is the fancy dinner scene. She’s rolled out the leaf in the table and lit candles, and all he wants to do is kill her with his saved-up Novril. But, that clumsy oaf, she spills that wine. But, was she so much clumsy as she is crafty, Pat, hmm? [DB turns to face Pat, leaning on the chair.] You’ve pulled this one on me a couple of times, [Pat, indistinct, “…could smell it…”] but I got you with that stash of fudge, didn’t I? I wish she wouldn’t have spilled, though; she needed to be punished for putting Spam in her meatloaf. [Pat, indistinct “…might be alright, but I…wouldn’t …Bert try it…” DB laughs, turning back to face the television. Advances video.]

1. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) The family that slays together stays together, Pat! Just ask my momma! [Pat, indistinct “…your mother…wedding…lovely”] Shh-pay attention! [DB points emphatically at the television] This is THE hands-down ultimate dinner scene of all dinner scenes before or since. This also happens to be my very favorite movie of all time. [Pat: “Really?” DB nods.] Yes, and this scene is the reason why. Three generations of jeering cannibal psychos, [Pat, indistinct “…grandmother someday…”] Shush! Look at the helpless girl tied to an armchair made out of real arms, REAL ARMS, Pat! The sweltering heat-look! [DB points at the screen] Look at the heat waves rising during the overhead shots! Look at those bloated animal parts baking! Then you’ve got Leatherface’s lovely dinner mask, Marilyn Burns’ horrified screams…you feel like you’re going crazy right along with her, don’t you, Pat? [Pat, indistinct “…a little dizzy..”] Then, just when you think it can’t get any more horrifying, holy- [Pat: ”Language, young lady.”] Er…uh…moley! Grandpa isn’t a corpse, he’s ALIVE! He’s gonna smash her with the hammer! [Pat: “That’s awful.”] Stay with it, Pat, come on! See! Look! Look at the blood! I-

[A car door slams outside, DB leaps from her chair, runs out of frame.] Oh! That’s Bert’s car! [DB rushes back to the chair, bending down. Slight tearing sounds.] Let me just get this tape. [Pat: “OW!” I know, yes it stings, I’m sorry. I’ve got ointment…Shh, they’ll hear. [A door opens, DB looks towards it, smiling brightly, pointing the remote behind her, turning off the television.] Hi, honey, hi, dad! [Male voices, indistinct. Two male figures walk into frame towards the kitchen, carrying grocery bags. Male voice, indistinct: “…furniture, sweetie?” A woman (Pat) stands up from the high-back chair, pulling the sleeves of her sweater down around her wrists, turning to face camera. DB backs up, standing close to the television]

Pat: For God’s sake, Bert, the woman has been slaving away in there and you’re asking about furniture? I moved the furniture.” [Bert, indistinct: “…Ma…asking…”]

Pat: Yeah well you could help out rather than conducting an interview. [Pat walks out of frame, following Bert into the kitchen. Grocery bags rattle. An oven timer goes off. Murmured voices. DB walks to the chair, removing the tape from the back and sides. She walks towards camera, balling up the tape and putting it into her apron pocket. She leans in, her face filling the frame.]

Donna Bleed: [Whispering] Happy Thanksgiving!

[DB grins, adjusts her glasses, and drops a wink. The camera goes dark.]

[Editor’s Note: The footage ends. We do have to admit, she’s got some pretty good taste in movies. Happy Thanksgiving from your crew at The Lost Highway!]

Oct

posted by admin | October 27, 2010 | News, Review by Die-Anne Takillya

Comments Off on Halloween Party Tips from Donna Bleed

It’s October, and you know what that means!  Lots of black and orange decorations, scary movies, pumpkin carving, going out for parties, and trick-or-treating!  I’ll be here to provide some tips to keep you safe and help you enjoy the season.

Today’s tip:  Movie Party Politeness

Halloween is a wonderful time for friends and family to enjoy each others company.  You know, my friends love coming over to the trailer-house, but some of them don’t like horror movies.  I find this a shame!  If I even take a step towards the television, then it’s all of a sudden, “Oh, Donna, sorry, but we need to go, we have to do laundry!” regardless of when they arrived.  After I’ve gone through all the trouble to make a meal that compliments the film and decorated the entire trailer…I mean, do you know how much effort it takes to create a Texas Chainsaw Massacre themed table-scape?  Do you?  I didn’t think so!  I had to go to seventeen different veterinary clinics and three graveyards to get enough bones to make a mock-up of the bone chair for the centerpiece!  Makes my blood positively boil, I tell you what.

How to turn a Party Pooper into a Party Pleaser:

Have some light music on in the background (The Carrie soundtrack is highly deceptive), and invite them to go ahead and fix a plate.

The last party I hosted, I was serving Mrs. Voorhees’ Meatloaf and Mashed Potatoes.  They were a little put off by the baby portobello hockey masks I had carved for garnishes, and Nancy said she lost her appetite when she realized the meatloaf was person-shaped, but they dug in soon enough.

If they ask why you’re not eating, tell them you’re too excited to eat right now.  Give it about 15-20 minutes, and they’ll be sleeping like babies.  Make sure that when the drugs wear off, you have them firmly strapped to the couch or chairs with duck tape, and start playing the movie.  Try to keep the tape from having contact with too much skin, as you don’t want to cause any damage.  You may not get to pay much attention to the plot, though, having to deal with them struggling, and still being a good host/hostess and offering them movie snacks.

That night, Nancy just wouldn’t hush; I had to shush her over and over.  And it’s not like I didn’t let them blink or anything; they just weren’t going to leave until the movie was over.  It’s not my fault it was Triple Feature Thursday.  I still haven’t gotten a thank you card from either one of them, either, and I even made breakfast when the sun came up.

Tips for Guests:

If you don’t want to watch horror movies at a Halloween, you’re better off suggesting party games or seances than trying to ditch early.  Have your Ouija board ready, or start playing charades.  Above all, be considerate to your host/hostess.  Perhaps try suggesting another movie, or just humor your host. After all, they have put in a lot of work for you to have a good time.

My own husband can’t stand horror movies, but he does a lot of night fishing, so I get to watch whenever I want.  I’ll call my cousin, and we’ll watch together while on the phone.  I’m hoping she comes out soon, I’d love for her to see the neighborhood.  I’ve even invited the postman to come for lunch and a movie, but he’s always so busy what with delivering mail and all.

Tips for hosts:

If you know some of your guests don’t enjoy horror, guide them in easily with a few oldies but goodies that don’t present themselves as horror until it’s too late to turn it off, they’re already involved in the plot!  A few titles to get you started:  The Devil’s Hand, The Gorilla, The Last Man on Earth, The Omen, Bless the Child, The Ninth Gate, or Shock.

Of course, distract them when the title sequences are playing, or the jig is up.  Should they protest once the horror portion of the plot becomes apparent, a meat tenderizer to the back of the head should silence them long enough for the rest of the guests to finish enjoying the movie.

Once everyone else leaves, bring the party pooper back around with some strong coffee and smelling salts. Tell them they fainted when there was blood on the screen.  If they complain of a headache, give them an asprin, and send them on their way!  The wonderful thing about traumatic head injuries is that they sometimes cause extreme personality changes, and the pooper might turn into a pleaser who absolutely loves horror movies, almost as much as you do!

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