Archive for the 'Review by Doktor' Category

Nov

Comments Off on Thankskilling

It’s a post turkeypocalypse and we’re giving away a signed copy of the best and only thanksgiving horror film, “Thankskilling” on DVD. It’s a great movie to gather the family around after deserts and before the in-laws break out the homemade whiskey. Just post your favorite thanksgiving memory and the funniest wins. Heck you can even make somethin’ up, we ain’tthe feds.  Check out our Lost Highway fan page for more details on how to win.

Now here’s the Doktor’s Review of Thankskilling for those of you that have woken up from your tryptophan coma.

Tagline: Gobble Gobble Mother F****r

Year: 2009 Runtime: 70 min

Director: Jordan Downey

Writer: Jordan Downey (writer), Kevin Stewart (writer), Bradly Schulz (additional dialogue), Anthony Wilson (additional dialogue) & Grant Yaffee (additional dialogue)

Starring: Wanda Lust, Natasha Cordova and Lindsey Anderson

A big bare breast is the first shot. BAM! Straight out the gate. This movie knows exactly who it’s for and where it’s going. Just so there is no confusion, this is NOT the film to pop in after the ball game on Thanksgiving. What the film is: pure fart jokes without the high-brow posturing. Take the “named” actress in the film, porn star Wanda Lust. Nothing says pure class like a second string porn star. And just to be cheeky, she plays a Puritan woman. This film is subtle as a ruptured testicle.

Everything about this movie oozes Grade B Government Cheese. And yet, I find it incredibly hard to believe that Troma had nothing to do with this film. Hmmm… but I digress.

The story is the usual hapless-college-kids-run-into-a-crazed-killer-in-the-woods schtick, but the twist is the killer in this film is a foul-mouthed turkey, named, quite ingeniously, Turkie. As the story goes, Turkie was necromanced by a powerful Native American magician to seek revenge for the indigenous peoples, flora and fauna of North America. When raised, Turkie only goes after the group of people he first encounters. Why? Uhm… Hey, there’s Milk Melons in the first shot!

How does one raise Turkie? Well, I’m glad I asked. There are two ways, and, as the filmmaker could never decide which he liked better, he left both in the film to further confuse and frustrate us. But, hey, there are Paw Patties right off the bat. The first explanation, he just comes back every 505 years in some kind of “now you don’t, now you see him” kind of thing. Granted, that doesn’t make much sense, and it REALLY doesn’t work out mathematically with the first Thanksgiving mentioned in the beginning… but then again, there were Dairy Dumplings in the first shot. The second explanation, someone’s dog can unwittingly pee on his totem pole. Wouldn’t you know it, right after them Sweet Sweater Spuds, we see a local redneck and his dog who are out… uhm… doing something, and the dog pees on this random miniature totem pole. The earth quakes, out shoots some blur and puppy falls down dead.

Oh, and hilarity ensues.

Now, I know that you’re asking yourself, “Hey, why does Turkie go after the college students when he is supposed to only go after the group of people he first encounters, i.e. the redneck and his dog?” To which the answer is: Juicy Jugs! In the first shot!

I could go on, but I don’t want to ruin all the artful expletives and complex plot, so I’ll end with this bit of teaser: Turkie dies in the end.

Still, the film closes with a title card that reads, “To be continued… IN SPACE!”

When I saw that the filmmaker had a Kickstarter project to fund Thankskilling 2 a few months back, I gladly sent my money. Stay tuned for more Turkie, and possibly more Num-Nums.

roadside attractions

  • Rent-A-Center Ted Nugent as the hermit redneck
  • Divorce announced by laying a turd in the coffee pot
  • Cartoon flashback to tell the creation myth
  • Turkie raping the hot brunette
  • Flappy Funbags
totals

8

blood

BLOOD

Head explosion, Turkie busting out of Fat Guy’s stomach, neck slit, tongue and heart pecked out, electric meat carver to the gut, face ripped off, etc

6

blood

BREASTS

Did I mention, Tig Ole’ Bitty is the FIRST SHOT of the film?

6

beast

BEASTS

Turkie the foul-mouthed hand o’ Native American vengence

6.00 OVERALL
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Check out the trailer for “Thankskilling”

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Oct

posted by Doktor | October 2, 2011 | 70's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, foreign, Review by Doktor

Comments Off on A*P*E (Attacking Primate Monster)

Tagline: Ten Tons of Animal Fury Leaps from the Screen

Year: 1976 Runtime: 87 min

Director: Paul Leder

Writer: Paul Leder & Reuben Leder

Starring: Rod Arrants, Joanna Kerns, Alex Nicol

Let me start off by saying I don’t know how A*P*E is an acronym for Attacking Primate Monster. That was what IMDb listed as the title in Asia. Considering this movie, that acronym is perfect.

Anyhow, I just wanted to say that. Now to the review proper.

Not to be outdone in the Kaiju proliferation race, A*P*E is Korea’s version of King Kong, henceforth in this review to be called Korean King Kong. Korean King Kong is exactly like American King Kong, but different. Mostly, Korean King Kong’s filmmakers didn’t have the budget for special effects, mostly. This translates as some poor schmuck in a gorilla suit, forced perspective and G-scale models.

So, add this to the list of films made because someone knew someone who owned a gorilla suit.

Korean King Kong also has a special super power, Maggie Seavers Fever. The symptom, I mean ability, of his super power allows Korean King Kong to home in on the precise location of Maggie Seavers no matter where she is—so long as she’s Seoul, South Korea, of course.

Oh, yeah, by the way, Maggie Seavers is the blonde love interest for Korean King Kong.

Speaking of South Korea, how does anyone live there? That question is not a slam against the people, or the land or anything like that. My question comes from my genuine concern about the explosive nature of everything in South Korea: concrete and steel buildings, cashier checks, rock, pot noodles, lambs, everything. Even the water explodes.

No wonder Kim Jong Il is so pissed off. I would be too.

I don’t want to sound like I’m solely picking on the Koreans in this film. There are far greater defuses, namely the US army. Specifically, why in the hell would helicopters buzz Korean King Kong? Did the army forget that they can hover well out of reach? Well, uhm, duh. The answer is obviously yes, since they buzzed Korean King Kong instead of hovering safely out of reach. Idiots.

Finally, to return to our ingenue, whereas I loved Maggie Seavers in Growing Pains, her acting strength is not as a Scream Queen. Every time she goes into her frantic shrieking, I wanted to claw my ears out. As I’m on blood thinners, I decided it would be better to just mute the TV.

roadside attractions

  • Miniature boat explosion.
  • Wonton model destruction.
  • Korean King Kong wrasslin’ with a dead shark.
  • Korean King Kong throws snake at camera (and hits it)
  • Korean King Kong stepping over toy cow.
  • Korean King Kong playing with hang glider.
  • Korean King Kong flipping off army helicopter.
  • Joanna “Maggie Seavers” Kerns as Korean King Kong’s blonde love interest.
  • Familyland (Korea’s answer to Disneyland)
  • Lots of riveting evacuation action.
  • Lots of riveting troop deployment action.
  • Korean King Kong scale keeps changing.
totals

7

blood

BLOOD

Technically 0, but what it lacked in blood it made up for in explosions

3

blood

BREASTS

Technically 0, but hearing someone say “Remember, Greg, rape her gently.” in regards to Maggie Seavers, I had to give it something.

10

beast

BEASTS

Korean King Kong

7.0 OVERALL
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trailers

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Aug

posted by Barry Goodall | August 7, 2011 | 80's b-movies, 80's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Review by Doktor

Comments Off on City of the Living Dead

Tagline: The Dead Shall Rise and Walk the Earth

Year: 1980 Runtime: 93 min

Director: Lucio Fulci

Writer: Lucio Fulci (story & screenplay) Dardano Sacchetti (story & screenplay)

Starring: Christopher George, Catriona MacColl and Carlo De Mejo

This is one of those movies that makes you scratch your head and grunt, “HUH?!?”

First and foremost, as the name suggests, this is a zombie film. Fulci, like Romero, knows his way around the genre. At least one would think. Both men have done their fair share of films in the genre, not to mention they were friends. Besides, it’s not a very complex style of film.

Zombie Types

There are different forms of zombies. Voodoo, nuclear waste, government bacterial/viral research gone awry and sacrilegious to name a few of the most popular.

This film falls into the last category. The zombies are released when a priest hangs himself in a cemetery. What’s more, for some reason, a troop of monkeys is also released. We never learn wither they’re from—the local zoo or hell. Regardless, if you listen you can clearly hear their calls. Oooooooo, spooky. Nothing sets the mood like night, fog and the wild calls of monkeys.

Zombie Characteristics

Most zombies have fairly straight forward attributes. They moan, they move slowly (or fast in more resent films), they are decaying, they eat brains, they infect others by biting them and they are killed by destroying their brain/removing their head.

Fulci’s zombies follow the established convention in but one aspect, they move slowly. Otherwise, they sound like Aslan after a swift kick in the love spuds, they can teleport, they look like they’ve got monkey-poo smeared on their face (maybe that’s why the monkeys were cut loose), they only scalp their victims (pulling off the backs of their heads), their bite does not infect others and they can be killed by stabbing them in the stomach with a pointy stick. Alternatively, they can be killed in mass when Suicide Priest is stabbed in the crotch with a wood picket.

Zombie Infection

How does one becomes a zombie, you ask? Normally, as noted above, by being bitten. Yet Fulci changes the game significantly. There are two ways one can become a zombie.

First, Suicide Priest can cram a handful of wormy monkey feces in your face. Secondly, Suicide Priest can use his “evil eye” on you. This is particularly interesting because it causes one to cry blood and vomit up one’s intestines. And, as a nice final touch, if you happen to be a white women, it also performs a negro-plasty, turning her hands into those of a black man. I can’t help but pick up on a slightly racist undertone here. I mean, black hands do the dirty work? The phrase “cotton-pickin’ hands” comes to mind.

Whereas Fulci took some interesting liberties with the genre, the characters are a mostly boring lot, with the exception of the Rent-a-Center Bob Ross, psychologist. This guy isn’t fazed by anything. I’m sure psychologist face some pretty horrible stuff in their day-to-day affairs, but this guy is cold as ice. Here’s but a few of the things he’s a witness to but just blows off:

  • random dead bodies appearing/disappearing
    • monkey-poo faced zombies
    • walls bleeding
    • teleporting Suicide Priest
    • Suicide Priest’s hex vision causing bleeding eye syndrome
    • millions of meal worms blown into room, particularly into his face, porno money-shot style

The ending is most perplexing. Bob Ross and Mary, the one woman with the hero’s death exemption, make it out of the tomb of Suicide Priest and find little John-John, the child with the hero’s death exemption, waiting with the police. Overjoyed that someone has survived John-John squeals and makes a bee-line for them. His run goes slo-mo and Mary starts screaming blood murder. Yet, there’s no zombies or Suicide Priest lurking about. The only thing I can figure is she’s freaked because she realized she’s John-John’s only living friend and might have to adopt the brat.

roadside attractions

  • Opening a coffin with a pick-ax to save the person inside from being buried alive
  • Self-inflating blow-up sex doll.
  • Rent-a-Center Archie Bunker patron at local bar.
  • Painting of a “happy little” rhinoceratopus.
totals

10

blood

BLOOD

10 Buckets. Coming out of eyes, throwing up intestines, scalped victims.

0

blood

BREASTS

This is the biggest HUH?!? of them all. You should stop on a pair of breasts with every other pan of the camera. Lucio, what were you thinkin’?!?

10

beast

BEASTS

Loads of Monkey-poo faced zombies.

9.0 OVERALL
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Check out the trailer for “City of the Living Dead”

trailers

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Jul

posted by Barry Goodall | July 17, 2011 | 80's movies, Action, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Review by Doktor

Comments Off on Warriors of the Lost World: Rest Stop Review Edition

Tagline: “The Rider” must destroy the evil Omega Force.
Year: 1983 Runtime: 92 min
Director: David Worrth
Writer: David Worth

Starring: Robert “The Exterminator” Ginty, Persis “Star Trek” Khambatta and Donald “Halloween” Pleasence

Italian. Post apocalypse. Motorcycle with more plastic additions than Joan Rivers’ face.

Normally I wouldn’t need to say anything else ‘cos surely you know exactly what I’m talking about. If you’ve seen Mad Max, you’ve seen all the post apocalypse movies. This movie is interesting because somehow, despite it’s Ultra-Low budget of $13.68, David Worth got some “name” actors.

Robert “The Exterminator” Ginty

I know that Italians liked a tough, slow-talkin’ hero, but Ginty is slow like that “special” cousin you were forced to include in whatever games you’re playing when his family came over for the holidays. At best he’s a Rent-a-Center Barry Bostwick, though, truth be told, I’m just being nice. His delivery is the auditory equivalent of maple syrup passing through a coffee filter. I had to tweeze my lengthier nostril hairs to keep awake whenever he said anything.

Persis “Star Trek” Khambatta

She’s the exotic love interest, which I suppose works. She’s no Bea Arthur, but I wouldn’t kick her out of bed for eating samosas. She is out of place though. See, her father, whom she’s on a mission to save, is as white as a mayonnaise sandwich. Plus, she comes from a group of toga wearing Greek wanna-bes.

Donald “Halloween” Pleasence

Original Doctor Evil. Seriously. The only difference in Pleasence’s character and Mike Myers’ is Pleasence doesn’t have the monocle scar. Also, he wears a glove on his left hand to accent his “Bob Dole” arm.

Finally, I would be remiss if I left out Speedcycle

This is the high-tech ride that The Rider rides. It’s graphical user interface is a 3” TRS-80 screen that displays everything it says. I suppose it was necessary to do so, for the viewers to understand what it was squeeking, because the voice unit sounded like Orko on helium.

Roadside Attractions:

  • Within the first 10 minutes of the film, The Rider, the super bad-ass, is shot three times, once in the head.
  • To add insult to The Rider’s injuries, promptly after escaping the headshot, Speedcycle, in auto-pilot, drives head on into a cliff.
  • Healing flashlights. They can remove even the toughest of Louisiana Hot Sauce Blood applications.
  • Gratuitous cars driving off cliffs and exploding.
  • WORST. SHOTS. EVER. Watch the trailer clip below to see exactly how people can miss even while driving point blank close to one another.
  • Cave C.H.U.D.
  • Cave C.H.U.D. are the bouncers for Club Utopia, a spandex and stud club.
  • Mega Weapon: a huge dump truck, painted black, with a useless anti-personnel flame thrower set about 12’ up.
  • Warriors style gangs: Kung Fu Dudes, Nazis, Femmes, Hill-Billies and 80’s Punks.

trailers

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Jul

posted by Barry Goodall | July 3, 2011 | 80's movies, Bad movie, Review by Doktor, Sci-Fi

Comments Off on R.O.T.O.R.

Tagline: Robotic Officer Tactical Operation Research
Year: 1988 Runtime: 90 min
Director: Cullen Blaine
Writer: Cullen Blaine (original idea), Budd Lewis (screenplay)
Starring: Margaret Trigg, Richard Gesswein and Jayne Smith

I recently decided to get outside of myself and give something back. I visited the elderly at a local assisted living community and performed stand up comedy. Laughter is the best medicine, right?

My audience was a crowd of perhaps a dozen men and women in the recreation room. I don’t think the staff told them about my “show” because more than a few of them were cutting their eyes at me when the orderly turned off Wheel of Fortune abruptly and introduced me.

I started off with a classic:

“A blind man walked into a bar.” I paused for dramatic effect. “What? Don’t take that tone with me,” I kidded, looking around the crowd, “he was blind for goodness sake. What’dya expect?”

I think one of the two that could hear me chuckled. The rest were a mix of whistling hearing aides and wheezing, staring blankly at me like a dog that I had just tried to explain 401k benefits to.

It was at that moment that I truly understood just how much of a subjective beast humor is.

To make matters worse, for years I have tried to explain the value of b-movies to people through mocking them. I’ve often heard, and used, the phrase, “it’s so bad, it’s funny.” Yet, humor being what it is, so bad, it’s funny means different things to different people.

Then I watched the Rent-a-Center Terminator film, R.O.T.O.R. Suddenly, life, the universe and everything all made sense.

R.O.T.O.R. is a movie that exemplifies the description: so bad, it’s funny. And thanks to this deliciously retarded movie, I think I can finally give a bulleted list of exactly what that means. This list barely scratches the puerile surface of this film, so as to not spoil the whole film. This is one film you have to experience to fully appreciate.

With all that said, R.O.T.O.R. is the type of movie…

…where a hyper-intelligent cyborg scientist, Dr. Capt. Coldyron (they couldn’t decide which sounded cooler so they used both), lives on a cattle ranch, which he runs by himself. I suppose cyborg science isn’t as demanding as it sounds. Nor is cattle ranching. When the cows come in to feed in the morning, he goes out and half-ass blows up tree stumps with his explosive lasso.

…that has the hero, Dr. Capt. Coldyron, wear sunglasses, but only while inside or at night. You can always tell him from the other dufuses in the movie ‘cos he’s the one with the bloody shins.

…that uses lines like the following to sound “scientific”:

“Good vibrations to it’s molecular tonality you can utilize.” and

“How does the chassis [of the robot] animate without gears and motors?” Which is answered with, “This chassis has been given a prime directive.”

…that use the following exposition to explain how to defeat R.O.T.O.R.:

“To combat pure will you’ll have to use purer logic. You will have to let yourself fail. Use your failure against him. Your failure is his failure. Your weakness is his weakness. Then, and only then, can you do something.”

“Great, except I don’t know what any of that means.”

“Let’s hope you never have to find out.”

…that uses the following line for, uhm, I have no idea (it’s a boyfriend talking to his girlfriend as they drive home):

“Look at’choo. You look like you got both eyes coming out of the same hole.”

…that has music “written and performed by Larry’s Dad”

…that is set in Dallas, TX. Come on, really? Dallas, TX doesn’t even want to be set in Dallas.

Being a movie about a futurific cyborg killing machine, here are R.O.T.O.R.’s finer features. R.O.T.O.R. can:

  • easily push through neatly rowed chairs.
  • with slight difficulty, push open both glass doors, on double glass doors
  • unclip velvet rope that is sectioning something off
  • use “sensor recall” vision to see into the past
  • reach menacingly at women inside cars, drive-up photo booths, and other easy to enter places
  • move much slower than Romero zombies when chasing the ingenue
  • easily be stopped by honking your horn
  • suddenly suffer from molecular memory degradation when in the climactic hand-to-hand fight with an extra meaty woman causing him to put away his gun instead of just shooting her
roadside attractions

  • At the beginning, we’re supposed to believe the stock footage is that of an “eye in the sky” news chopper, describing the local traffic. The traffic is light and flowing smoothly, yet the voiceover is saying its a mess, backed up for miles.
  • Everyone in the film delivers their lines as if the director doubled their dose of rhino tranquilizers.
  • Smooth janitor who uses the guaranteed pick up line: “Look at these cheeks. I must be Indian, or a sissy.”
  • Towards the end, look for Dr. Steel, a cyborg chassis scientist and the manliest women in all of Houston, TX, and that includes the offensive line for the Texans, complete with a Pepé Le Pew gray streak mohawk.
totals

10

blood

BLOOD

Plenty of the redstuff to go around.

10

blood

BREASTS

none, nothin’, notta, zilch. oh the humanity!

0

beast

BEASTS

R.O.T.O.R and Dr. Steel

7.0 OVERALL
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Check out the trailer for “R.O.T.O.R.”

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About the Highway

Lost Highway is your satirical detour down the twisted back roads of b-movies and cult films reviews. learn more >>