Archive for the 'Review by Doktor' Category

Oct

posted by Doktor | October 3, 2013 | 70's b-movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Review by Doktor, Sci-Fi

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Tagline: Where Fantasies are Real & Reality is Fantastic.

Year: 1978           Runtime: 105 min

Director: Kinji Fukasaku

Writer: Kinji Fukasaku (story), Shôtarô Ishinomori (story), Masahiro Noda (story), Hirô Matsuda (writer)

Starring: Shin’ichi Chiba, Vic Morrow, Philip Casnoff

I swear I intended to steer clear of sci fi for a few reviews, but this is Japanese Star Warsploitation. I couldn’t help myself. The movie is 90% Rent-a-Center versions of Star Wars characters, vehicles and music, but that’s what makes it so ALMOST actionable on copyright infringement grounds. And totally AWE-some!

The movie opens on Jillucia (pronounced Jill-OO-see-ah), a once beautiful and verdant planet. It’s peaceful inhabitants, the Jillucians (pronounced Jill-OO-see-ahns) were slaughtered by the evil Gavanas. The battle is described by a narrator, “The Jillucians were no match for the steel-skinned Gavanas.” Which is mostly misleading. Actually, the Jillucians were no match for the Gavanas’s laser burlets. Jillucians are pretty much the Tiananmen Square tank guys of space. Except the Jillucians are Tree Huggin’ Space Hippies™. And the tanks stopped for the Unknown Protester. And we still remember and care about the Unknown Protester.

With the Jillucians almost extinct, Wise Grandmaster Grandfather the Green lets loose eight Magic Space Walnuts™. They have a special tracking power which homes in on the Eight Heroes who will save Jillucia from the evil Gavanas. Once loosed, he realizes that it would behoove them to have someone go along to explain what in the hell the Magic Space Walnuts™ mean. Wise Grandmaster Grandfather the Green chooses his granddaughter for the job. She and one brave volunteer jump in the Space Schooner and leisurely float off whichever way. They’re nowhere near fast enough to follow the Magic Space Walnuts™, so why strain, right?

Then there are some lovely scenes of the Gavanas, a race of war hungry Rent-a-Center Power Ranger Villains, being menacing. Glower. Ominous. Black. Oooooo. They’re angry because of their Emperor, Rockseia XLL (pronounced Rock-SAY-ah-X-L-L). Rockseia XLL is angry because of his confusing biology—his mom is a dude. Kind of like Eric Cartmen. Except Emperor Rockseia’s mom is a Native American Power Ranger Villain. And Liane Cartman is a crack whore. And, most importantly, we still watch and like Eric Cartmen.

Then some smashing scenes establishing the characters of the Eight Heroes. Rent-a-Center Princess Leia tapping on the window of her space ship to get the attention of passing Space Hot Shots. Space Hot Shots buzzing through an asteroid field running from the Space Police. A Space Vegas Show. Space General Garuda’s touching funeral for his personal robot, i.e. sending a junked robot into space in a Vikingesque funeral aboard an expensive rocket. Swimming through asteroid fields to catch Space Fire Flies. Et cetera.

Then there’s a bunch of moaning and groaning. The Eight Heroes don’t want to be the chosen ones. They throw/give away their Magic Space Walnuts™. Boo-hoo. Then they do want to be the chosen ones. Then some get their Magic Space Walnuts™ back. The one who doesn’t throws the Emo Pity Party™.  Then a couple of them get kidnapped. It’s a hot mess. Et cetera.

Eventually Emperor Rockseia XLL decides to go on a Space Road Trip™. They fire up the engines on Jillucia and head to Earth. At this point Jillucia becomes a Rent-a-Center Death Star.

At Earth Rockseia XLL destroys the moon as a warning to humanity that he means business. Wilzyx and millions of frolicking Orcas suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. Powerful. Heart breaking. An inspiring scene to end all inspiring scenes.

If there’s a Rent-a-Center Death Star there has to be a Rent-a-Center trench run. Kinji Fukasaku ups the ante. Message From Space has two trench runs! The first comes when the Space Hot Shots go to Jillucia to team up with the Jillucians. The Space Hot Shots rig their ships to join, ala the God Pheonix of Battle of the Planets/G Force/Gatchaman, but much less cool. The main ship in this junkyard Voltron is a Rent-a-Center Ebon Hawk from KOTOR. When they approach Jillucia they split up, fly through a bit of the trench, then join back together before landing. What does this accomplish? Nothing. It’s not even particularly cool. So, yeah, why not?

The second Rent-a-Center trench run is the Final Boss Battle. It’s a mix of the rebel attack on the Death Star and Tron vs MCP. The Space Hot Shots fly through the exhaust port tunnel thing down to the reactor. There, they shoot the spinning thingie, stopping it, which uncovers the opening they have to target. Pew… Pew… Pew… Boom… Exploision.

Meanwhile, as the space battle is raging (i.e. before the pew… pew… pew…  boom… explosion), there’s the Rent-a-Center Vader vs Obi Wan fight. But this time Vader gets a mud hole stomped in him. It’s because Vader is played by a milksop and Obi Wan is played by Sonny Chiba. The problem is, because Chiba wrecks shop, there’s no touching moment where the old guy sacrifices his life empowering the next generation to seek their glory.

Oh, wait. There is that moment. Wise Grandmaster Grandfather the Green deliberately misses the Space Schooner to Valinor. The Jillucians have one more Space Schooner in dry dock collecting Space Spider Webs. It’s so old that they have to literally crank start the reactors. While the suspense completely ruined my pedicure (I chew my nails when I’m nervous, a’ight), I’ll let you in on a little secret… They make it. Yay! You’re mani/pedi can thank me later.

Message From Space ends with is shot of the Jillucian Space Schooner flying past Earth propelled courageously by cheesy Spaghetti Western music. Toei Company, LTD really knows how to go out with a bang.

You can watch Message From Space in it’s entirety for free, here.

roadside attractions

  • Delight in the continual consumption of Space Tomatoes™!
  • Hearken to the music which sounds suspiciously similar to Leia’s Theme!
  • Marvel at the final 50 Jillucians! (Kinda shallow for a gene pool, innit?)
  • Witness Aaron the Space Hot Shot’s contribution to Haute Couture: Rainbow Suspenders!
  • Revel in the courageously “out” robosexual couple General Garuda and Beba Two (pronounced babe-AH 2)!
totals

8

blood

BLOOD

There’s a couple fist fights and a couple busted lips. Most of the killing is by laser burlets, but the effects are futurific.

0

blood

BREASTS

I don’t know if I should penalize the movie for this though. The movie came out in 1978, and breasts wouldn’t have been invented in Japan for another couple decades.

10

beast

BEASTS

Lots of groovy Power Ranger style villains.

6 OVERALL
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Watch the trailer for “Message From Space”

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Sep

posted by Doktor | September 27, 2013 | 80's b-movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Horror movies, Review by Doktor

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Tagline: Their beat and music knocked them dead!!

Year: 1985          Runtime: 81 min

Director: Mats Helge (as Mike Jackson)

Writer: Mats Helge (as Mike Jackson) & Anna Wolf

Starring: Jeff Harding, Michael Fitzpatrick, Naomi Kaneda

When will stupid kids learn, huh? Hopefully never, right? If teenagers/twenty-somethings ever got a clue it would absolutely devastate the horror genre. What the genre can do without is the perpetuation of the stereotype of the violent drunk hillbilly that lives down by the rail road tracks. I mean, everyone comes from a family of 6 + young ‘uns. And yeah, Pa likes him some drinkin’, and fightin’, but when Ma comes out of the coma Pa gives her some sweet lovin’. It ain’t all bad.

So, just ‘cos yer Ma dun killed yer Pa after that one fight where he tried to slit her throat, that don’t mean you’re gonna end up hiding from society for 40 years in an abandoned factory. Come on, Sweden (where the film was made), it’s 2013 for Christ’s sake. Can’t we all just get along? You know, like back WWII when the Nazi’s came with all that gold. And even though this film came out in 1985… well, erhm…

So, 40 years later along comes this band, Solid Gold, with their spandex pants, leopard print shirts, lace bandanas, and big Aqua Net™ hair and an entourage of bimbos looking for a place to shoot their next video. We’re talking 80’s Hair Metal, so what could possibly be better than at a desolate mountain cabin? A desolate mountain cabin with a condemned factory within walking distance—that just happens to be home to a mess of Oberen Schweizer Alpen Mountain Folk, or Play-Doh Faced Hillbillies™ in the common vernacular.

Confronted with sinners and heathens of this magnitude what’s a mess of Play-Doh Faced Hillbillies™ to do? Kill ‘em all, of course!

Quick Explanatory Note: I call them Play-Doh Faced Hillbillies™ because they all look like they’ve been caked with Play-Doh. One has a Neanderthal brow, one looks like like Freddy Krueger, another looks like a pepperoni pizza, and one looks like Ben Grimm. Funny thing is they all start off looking normal; grimy, but normal. As the movie progresses they get worse, which is strange because the movie takes place over one day.

The story plays out like this: There’s the obligatory video shoot, which makes for the LAMEST. VIDEO. EVAR. Even for Swede Glam Rock. There’s an avalanche, which cuts the shoot short. Then some gratuitous partying and hanging out. Another avalanche, which cuts a backseat jam session short. Then dinner is served. At this point, just like the audience, Dave, the sound guy, gets bored with the filler. He decides to prod along the plot by going out to capture some of the sounds of the avalanche. Hours AFTER they’ve happened. In the spooky, abandoned factory. In the dark. Without a flashlight.

Guess what happens?

Good thing his girl follows. Well, not so good for him, but good for the tape deck he’s carrying. That was some expensive equipment. Plus it’s an important plot device. When they play back the recording they hear him being attacked. This rallies the troops to mount a rescue. Considering the quality of the men in the posse, I think he would be better off if the bimbos went looking for him.

One bimbo and Kee Marcello (yes, famed guitarist of Europe) are too busy making out to keep up with the search party. I can’t blame them it was only the sound guy, but because of this guess who life is on The Final Countdown? It’s sad because the bimbo dies before her time. By “her time” I mean before she got naked. She does die via an elaborate trap, something similar to Rube Goldberg machines the villains used against Batman and Robin in the 60’s TV series. I couldn’t quite make it out though. Something with a rope, pulleys, and a couple 50 gallon barrels. It splattered blood all over Bob the director’s face (and ONLY his face) so it must have been sweet!

The murders continue on the the usual slasher-hunting-down-the-idiot-kids-one-at-a-time way. Because of the size of the band (five members), the groupies (six bimbos), the hair dresser, and the film crew (three: director, camera man and sound man), there were lots of death scenes. Unfortunately the film was lit by a couple bic lighters, so you have to use your imagination. From the moans and groans it sounded like the victims were passing kidney stones. Having suffered through them myself, all I can say is, “Yee-ouch!”

During all this hilarity, the “real” rescue team can’t make it out to the cabin. Hero Guy, Steve or Bob or Fred—I get them confused because they all had unbelievable names—has to go through all kinds of hell to track down a snowmobile, which I guess is a rare in Sweden in the winter. Even more so when there’s an emergency. Thing is, the roads he takes on the snowmobile would easily have allowed for a bigger vehicle. What’s more there’s no storm, so visibility is good. Plus there’s no cross winds to thwart the choppa, so there’s no reason why he couldn’t just fly up. Oh. Right. It’s not in the script. Well, at least not until everyone who needs to die is dead.

At the climax Elder Brother (hillbilly) pleads with the kidnapped bimbos to stop all the killing. Uhm, up to this point it was your crazy family, which you admitted were animals, who were doing all the killings. Maybe you should take this up with them, hoss.

Finally there’s the unnecessary injustice. Hero Guy blows off Elder Brother’s arm. Elder Brother was just grabbing Final Girl’s ankle from under the stairs ‘cos he didn’t want her to go off without her cross necklace. Sheesh! Overreact much?

You can watch Blood Tracks in it’s entirety for free, here.

roadside attractions

  • Watch the world renowned Swedish civic duty as a man flops into action by sternly saying, “Murderer,” several times!
  • Bask in the hedonistic glory of a Hair Metal video that rivals any Sunday Funday activities at the local retirement home. Rock! \m/
  • Cringe at Bob the director, the world’s most uptight man, as he goes from zero to aneurysm, instantly, again and again!
  • Listen to the grunting hillbilly who sounds exactly like Tim Allen.
  • Thrill the AWE-some Acting Skills™ ooze from the band Easy Action as they play themselves in the even cooler band Solid Gold!
totals

6

blood

BLOOD

Ever wonder what Swedes do with leftover lingonberry sauce? Makes great blood.

4

blood

BREASTS

Couple quick flashes. Meh.

8

beast

BEASTS

Family of Play-Doh Faced Hillbillies™. Yeowza!

6 OVERALL
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Watch the trailer for “Blood Tracks”

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Sep

posted by Doktor | September 21, 2013 | 70's b-movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Review by Doktor, Sci-Fi

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Tagline: It’s Exactly Like Star Wars, Only Different

(Actually, there wasn’t a tagline so I supplied one worthy of the film.)

Year: 1979            Runtime: 103 min

Director: Alfonso Brescia

Writer: Alfonso Brescia, Massimo Lo Jacono, Giacomo Mazzocchi

Starring: Yanti Somer, Gianni Garko, Malisa Longo

All artists want to make money on their art. One way that filmmakers achieve this is by riding on the coattails of a more popular, and lucrative, film. For examples see: Roger Corman, The Asylum, or any Kung Fu film starring Bruce Le, Li, Lei, Lea or any other permutation of the spelling of Lee. Star Odyssey is a Spaghetti Star Wars film.

Like all good b-movies there was something within the first thirty seconds that let me know this was a winner: the supporting cast credits are alphabetized. Sort of.

  • First title card:
    • Al Elliot
    • Caty Water
    • Joseph Thorne
  • Second title card:
    • Phil Browne
    • Tony Forster
    • Phil Shelby
    • Frank Weber
  • Third title card:
    • Max Right
    • Robert Egan
    • Steve Jordan

See what they did there? They couldn’t decide on whether to alphabetize by first name or last. Ah, man. If they couldn’t figure out that trivial detail…

Star Odyssey is the story of evil Lord of the Universe Kress who has purchased the Earth in a Space Auction™. Little does he know that the humans of Earth are not going to be taken into slavery so easily, not if Professor Morrie has anything to say about it.

As I mentioned at the top, most of Star Odyssey is in some way a Rent-a-Center version of Star Wars. The most egregious being the characters and Mental Force™.

Characters:

  • Lord Kress: Rent-a-Center Darth Vader without the helmet. Looks like his face was caught in a waffle iron.
  • Professor Morrie. Rent-a-Center Obi Wan Kenobi. Can use Rent-a-Center version of the Force, Mental Force™.
  • Hollywood: Rent-a-Center Luke Skywalker. Lieutenant in the Space Military. Sweet mustache (Actually everyone in the film has a sweet mustache. Who was the casting agency, the police department?) Aside from that a total doofus. Always posing. Seriously. Hands on his hips, chest puffed out, posing. This guy makes the actors in the old Doctor Who shows look like Marlon Brando.
  • Dirk Laramie: Rent-a-center Han Solo. Also has Mental Force™ so I guess he’s part Luke, too.
  • Irene: Rent-a-Center Princess Leia. Dirk/Hollywood love interest. Also a plot device allowing Morrie to get kidnapped at just the right wrong time.
  • Tilt & Tilly: Rent-a-center C3PO’s. Male and female, respectively. Product of a drunken night threesome between a retarded Cybermen, a teletubby and Howard the Duck. To top them off, quite literally, is a Xmas tree star. Lurv struck idiots. All they do is complain like a bitter old couple.
  • Space Aryans™: Rent-a-Center Storm Troopers. Lord Kress’s minions. Gold Space Suits with Prince Valiant hair. They’re actually androids. They fight with Rent-a-center light sabers. Well, not really fight. They are terrible swordsmen. They have one move: over-the-head strike. This attack is instantly parried and then they’re cut down with a gut/back slash. EVERY SINGLE ONE!

Mental Force Powers:

  • Persuade – great for suckering simple minded idiots into doing your bidding, which includes getting Hollywood to help with Morrie’s scheme.
  • Telekenesis – great for cheating a Space Plinko™.
  • Telepathy – great for opening one particular door on Kress’s ship.
  • Feel Presence – great plot device to make Kress aware of Morrie.
  • Xray Vision – great for cheating at Space Poker™.
  • Net – great plot device to hold Kress’s ship from leaving while finishing off the secret weapons.
  • Acceleration Disrupt – unnecessary plot device. Kress’s fighters are faster than Earth’s fighters. Morrie uses this to slow down the enemy’s ships to even the field.

What they should have borrowed was a book from the library on how to write. And edit. Right in the middle of collecting the team, the movie goes off the rails. I think the editor dropped the script and put it back together out of order. Scenes that should have come earlier are thrown in willy-nilly:

  1. Introduce Dirk at the Space Casino™ playing cards. He uses the Mental Force Xray Vision™ to read the other players cards. Oh, so this is why Dirk was in this heretofore random place and why these heretofore random guys want to beat him up for taking their money.
  2. Space Command freaking out because the automatic defense systems do not work on the UFO (which is pronounced OO-fo). Space Commander calls for an analysis of the video to determine what the UFO’s made of in the hopes there is some way to fight it. Oh, so that’s how they know what Kress’s ship is made of.
  3. Lords of the Universe Space Auction™. Kress purchases the Earth for $100 million credits. Oh, so that’s what Kress meant when he mentioned that he bought the Earth.

They probably could have edited it back together properly, but that would cost money, and they had already gone over budget, $13.78, on the make-up for the Lords of the Universe. Instead it’s just back to the regularly scheduled program like nothing just happened.

As for the story, the plot revolves around Morrie and his team coming up with a weakness in enderium. Enderium is the indestructible space material of the future that all of evil Lord Kress’s ships are made of. Can they do it? Yeah. Duh! Morrie has an intelligence which puts him “two centuries ahead of everyone” on Earth. Kress is only a “couple hundred centuries” more advanced that Earth. Pssssshhh! He doesn’t stand a chance. And before you get all bent out of shape that I’ve spoiled the movie, I haven’t. The magic is all about how they get there. And I’ll do you one better ‘cos I’m such a nice guy. You can watch the whole movie here for free.

Oh, and your welcome for the earworm in the main photo above.

roadside attractions

  • Hear dialogue that tells what is happening before your very eyes! It’s exposition-irific!
  • Marvel at the Rent-a-Center R2D2, Jeeves, the idiot savantobot. A 50 gallon garbage drum with dryer vent arms that mostly serves drinks from its breast compartments.
  • Wonder at the Space Warden’s™ orgasmatron executive desk toy. No explanation as to what it is, what it’s doing, or why it’s doing it.
  • Listen as the music cycles between parking lot carnival organ grinder and 70’s PBS after school special.
  • Thrill at the futurific computer sound effects straight out of Pong™.
totals

10

blood

BLOOD

No blood. But they did’a hav’a da budget fo’ da special defects’a.

0

blood

BREASTS

This is REALLY sad for a 70s Italian film. They, of all people, know better! I wept.

10

beast

BEASTS

I don’t know which was more gruesome, the Lords of the Universe or the Space Aryans™ or the “heroes”.

6.66 OVERALL
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Watch the trailer for “Star Odyssey”

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Sep

posted by Doktor | September 9, 2013 | 80's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Horror movies, Review by Doktor, Sci-Fi

Comments Off on Forbidden World (aka Mutant)

Tagline: A Science Fiction Horror Adventure That’ll Blow You Away!

Year: 1982 Runtime: 77 min

Director: Allan Holzman

Writer: Tim Curnen

Starring: Jesse Vint, Dawn Dunlap, June Chadwick

I knew I was in for some quality entertainment when the first thing I noticed was the Rent-a-center Stormtrooper. Lucas, or more precisely his lawyers, didn’t bother to go after Forbidden World because its stormtrooper is gray and uhm-tarded. Cheap whore, thy name is Roger Corman. God love him.

And then they crank the knob all the way to AWE-some!

Space Food Pirates™ are in the sector and up to no good. Luckily SAM-104, the gray stormtrooper robot thing, knows what to do—put on some classical music ‘cos it’s out of copyright, erhm… I mean… ‘cos it  makes for a classy space battle scene. Oh yeah, and wake Space Troubleshooter Extraodinare™ Mike Colby. If anyone can handle Space Food Pirates™, Mike can.

Normally the stasis revival process is a banal procedure but due to Colby’s ESTP, Extraordinary Space Troubleshooter Perceptions™, as he is coming out of stasis he experiences clairvoyant flashes. These flickering images of things to come are in no way explained. One only knows what these random things are once they sat through the movie. In other words, it’s a hot mess of confusing things-that-are-happening, all of which are completely out of context. There is, however, quite a few breast shots, even a nice girl/girl shower frame, to help distract from the complete lack of coherency.

Enough of that, there’s a space battle to be had. (The editing, like the review so far, is a bit ADD.)

Naturally the space battle is handled with the same brilliance and attention to detail. Namely, Colby and SAM pilot their ship by throwing switches and pushing buttons, which everyone knows is MUCH easier than using a joystick. Amirite? So, after a few flips, mashes, and a completely unconvincing, I mean, absolutely nerve wrecking power outage, the Space Food Pirates™ are destroyed. Phew. That chewed up some runtime.

Realizing that none of this has advanced the film’s plot, SAM steers things back on course, quite literally, by changing their destination. Whereas Colby and SAM were originally headed home for some much needed R&R, now Galactic Head Quarters has called them back to duty. Something has gone wrong in the genetic research station on the remote planet of Xarbia and only Colby can set it right. When you know excellence you ask for it by name, which makes their choice of Colby completely baffling.

The research facility is working on “the food problem”. Though never explicitly detailed—they haven’t explained anything yet in this film so why start now—from context I guessed the problem to be there’s not enough food to go around. GHQ created the Xarbia lab, with state of the art equipment to tackle the issue. No expense was spared when outfitting it. Well… with the tools at least. Where the staff is concerned, eh, not so much. It was placed on Xarbia to allow for more “risky” experimentation than could be done elsewhere. That is to say, they put the idiots as far away as possible in case they made an oopsie.

When you spare no expense to equip morons with tools to manipulate genes, hilarity, and/or burning, explosive diarrhea is sure to follow.

These people can’t really be idiots/morons, can they? Considering the immense financial burden of such an undertaking, not to mention the possible cost to humanity if they were to fail, I use the terms idiots and morons because there’s not a stronger term without resorting to expletives. These mental giants’ best idea is to splice genes of various plants and animals with Proto B. Proto B is this crazy bacteria that multiplies like rabbits on Spanish Fly while constantly changing genetic structure. It doesn’t take a rocket surgeon to work out the obvious catastrophe here. Two immediately come to mind:

  1. With such a reproductive rate might it not eventually take over everything, destroying all in its path. You know, like cancer?
  2. If it’s constantly changing genetic structure might it not eventually become something that is NOT food? It might be a cow-like thing, then a pretty flower-like thing, then a goat-like thing, then a deadly virus-like thing, then a testicle-like thing, then a genetic mutant killing machine-like thing, etc., etc.?

Uh. This kind of depravity makes The Baby Einstein cry. And we all know that when The Baby Einstein cries Herr Schrödinger’s cat dies.

Yet, just when you think the madness has plateaued… The genetic mutant destroys the lab, claims his first human victim, and breaks out of the airtight, sterile environment. What does everyone do? They go night-night, of course. Everyone together now: What could POSSIBLY go wrong?

By night-night I mean it’s time for the sex scene. Sort of. There’s nudity but what is happening defies description, though I’ll do my best. The ambience is set with porn reject music synthesized through a voice box as someone is violently barfing. The hoochi-coochi lick ‘em yum yums is more like two blind people in the throes of grand mal seizures while playing twister than people making love. To make it even less sexy, the lurvin’ is interspersed with shots of the security guard hunting the genetic mutant. It goes something like this: Boob. Jump cut. Mutant. Jump cut. Guard. Jump cut. Thigh. Jump cut. Guard. Jump cut. Mutant. Jump cut. Guard. Jump cut. Shoulder. What in the hell is the editor trying to convey here? I was so confused I had to watch my dog clean his junk for about an hour before the world made sense again.

Where the crews’ actions exemplify their doltishness, their dialogue is the fly slurping in mindless bliss on a puddle of Space Scientist Affluence™.

Space Scientist: “This creature is intelligent.”

Colby: “How do you figure that?”

Uhm, maybe because it has strategically cut off all escape and communication. Oh, and it’s “keyed into the computers.” Most importantly it’s half human. Wait… What?!? Half human? Aren’t they supposed to be making an alternate food source? Subject 20 is people!

Space Scientist: “Here it comes. This is the analysis of the gelatinous tissue. This should tell me what it is made of.”

Really? What’dya know. So that’s what ANALYSIS means.

Ah, but the coup de grace is truly the feather in Forbidden World’s cap. How do you kill a genetic mutant? Feed it cancer. It’s all very scientific. I’ll ‘splain it terms that even the personnel on Xarbia station can understand. Cancer instantly reacts with the genetic mutant’s genetics causing it to vomit a genetic hallucinogenic foam. Then it dies. Meanwhile the foam causes anyone in the vicinity to relive the movie. It’s called a Space Runtime Filler™, and the main effect is free footage to pad out the movie to a feature-length. For those keeping record, these visions are exactly mostly the same flashes from the beginning. Mostly. Getting triple use out of the footage, classic Corman.

Lastly, there is a “Director’s Cut” with an additional 5 minutes of footage. I can’t imagine what didn’t make the original cut that just HAD to be re-released as the definitive version of the film. Plus, with all the padding, who decided to cut the footage to begin with? Sigh. Regardless, it’s in my netflix queue, so I’ll let you know when I find out.

roadside attractions

  • Hear wondrous space lingo like, “Ding whopper!”
  • Witness the universes’ foremost bacteriologist constantly cough on everyone and everything!
  • Wonder at the futurific sunglasses used while relaxing in the tanning bed/sauna/shower thing!
  • Thrill at the TWO types of showers on the station! (Like I said, no expense was spared.)
  • Watch as a “scientist’s” ungloved fingers pokes around in the goop that was the first victim!
totals

7

blood

BLOOD

Everything in the lab was eviscerated, and that’s before we get to the good stuff.

8

blood

BREASTS

Space Womerns can’t wait to get nekkid.

6

beast

BEASTS

Great green gobs of greasy grimy genetic mutant stuff.

7 OVERALL
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Watch the trailer for “Forbidden World”

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Jul

Comments Off on Summertime B-movies

The Burning: chosen by General Relativity

Cropsey, protagonist slasher of “The Burning”, is a camp maintenance dude who is brutally burned in prank gone wrong. Written by Oscar-grubbing producers Bob and Harvey Weinstein, “The Burning” is one of the archetypal summer camp slasher movies. Among the highlights, a brutally slow murder of a prostitute and incredibly swift takedown of about five kids on a raft using an absurdly sharp pair of hedge clippers. Also Jason “George Costanza” Alexander plays a a cool athletic bro, whose full head of curly hair is the envy of all campers and Fisher Stevens, of Short Circuit, plays a skinny weirdo. I can relate to Cropsey. When I was in 3rd grade, I attended Junior Chrono-scout camp. I was teased by the cool kids and jocks, probably because my interests skewed toward reading books about spacetime rather than pogs or yo-yos. One night, when I was out stargazing with my melvin friends, Ed Podgorski took my whitey tighty briefs out of my bag and threw them on the roof of the cabin. So I murdered him and his entire group of friends and I have returned to the Junior Chrono-naut Camp ever year on the anniversary to exact the same vengeance.

Friday the 13th: Part 3D: chosen by Die-Anne Takillya

To me, this is the best of the F13 franchise. Of course, I’m a sucker for cheesy 3D effects; after all, nothing says ‘good times’ like objects flying at your face… ahem.  But yes, this is the flick with some of the best kills: Harpoon gun to the eye, bare hands skull crushing, upside down male bisection right through the groceries, yikes!! Also, for my money, this one has the best old guy that predicts doom for the horny teenagers, I mean, he’s waving an eyeball around! Why don’t they listen? My only complaint about this one is the ridiculous side-story about Chris and her already surviving Jason once. Personally, I think final girl rules should have applied here, and she should have ended up taking a dirt nap, just like Adrienne King’s character in Part 2. But, we have to chase her traumatized behind around and she has not one, but two- count ’em: TWO! floating canoe hallucination-driven freakouts before the authorities drag her out of our lives forever. The hallmark of this one is of course Jason donning his trademark hockey mask, red markings and all. Other highlights include wormy boy getting the best of some rude biker punks, an excellent sweater knotted around the neck by Rick, Chris’ uptight yuppie boyfriend, and a pair of the biggest bongs I’ve ever seen. Let’s pack up and take a trip to Crystal Lake!

Madman: chosen by The Goon

Would you believe that Madman was originally based on the Cropsy Murders tale? No? Are you calling me a liar? Well, it’s true. But some other movie called The Burning came out first (heard that some Fisher Stevens and Jason Alexander dudes were in it and that Tom Savini guy did the effects… might be worth checking out), so they had to tweak the story a bit. Madman takes place on the last day of camp and during a cautionary tale about the title character, Madman Marz, one of the campers shouts his name and so the hunt begins! Marz, a very large dude who stomps around ripping and bashing things apart, stalks the camp, picking off the stupid counselors one by one as they do stupid things. Have I mentioned they’re stupid? They follow the formulated clichés, which could turn you off, but luckily the film saves it with over the top, gory deaths. Madman takes course over one dark night, which helps keep the story flowing at a good pace and I have to mention how well lit this movie is. The blue hues, mixed with the ambiance of howling wind and creaking wood floors, give the film a calm, but alarming feel to it. Overall, Madman is an underrated slasher, most likely due to its seemingly simple setup… and hammy acting, but underneath that is a gory, interesting slasher flick with a lot to offer. During the film, you’re left with that ‘last day of camp’ sadness, because you found who you were, you made friends and now you’re leaving… because you are being murdered. Oh, don’t expect this film to end happily. Interesting enough, there was supposed to be a sequel, involving the two surviving characters, one of which was institutionalized, but it never came to be. Oh yeah, check out my video review for Madman!

Hotel Hell: chosen by Barry Goodall

There are a lot of reasons not to stay in  cheap motels in the south. Bed bugs, cross burnings in the courtyards or the possibility of ending up in the owner’s BBQ recipe just to name a few. Motel Hell instilled this fear in me at an early age and nearly made me go vegan. Well only briefly, but who really wants to move to Portland? It stars the amazing Rory Calhoun as the hotel owner Farmer Vincent. He and his crazy sister have been kidnapping tourists and grinding them up into their BBQ meat to sell to the townsfolk.  But a good BBQ recipe is all in the preparation and Farmer Vincent likes to plant his victims up to their necks first and then cuts their vocal cords so they sound like they’re gargling mouth wash. I think that keeps em’ from tasting too gamey. Silly at times and disturbing at others it’s one of the classic summer time b-movies. Also be on the lookout for a guy in a pig’s head with a chainsaw during the gratuitous “damsel in distress strapped to a conveyor belt” scene. Remember, it takes all kinds of critters…to make Farmer Vincents fritters.

Jaws: chosen by Tiger Sixon

Most horror films make ya scared of the dark, be it with mask wearing psychos, slime covered aliens, or zombie insurance salesmen. It takes a special kind of horror film to make you scared of the DAY, as Jaws does. Nothing screams “summertime” more than swimming on a crowded beach on a nice afternoon. In Jaws though, the screams of “summertime” quickly turn to “SHARK!” as a man-eating beast from the deep makes a snack out o’ humans. The shark ruins all kinds of summer fun: sailing, swimming, holiday trips with relatives you can’t stand, and more. With blood and beast to spare, Jaws remains a summer classic–and still keeps people outta the water.
Sleepaway Camp: chosen by DoktorSummer is a accursed mixture of the sublime and the horrific: beautiful girls in bikinis and screaming heat waves which melt pavement; three months off and nothing to do; summer camp. Summer camp is the epitome of the best and worst that summer has to offer, and Sleepaway Camp is the motion picture embodiment of summer camp. There are horny, idiot boys and snotty, mean girls. Creepy camp counselors and staff. Idiotic group games and activities. Awkward making out which reminds you of the time you secretly watched Daddy and second daddy making love. Wait, what? … And then there’s the really scary stuff, the things you get lifelong therapy for: short shorts and half shirts, on the guys. BLARGH! Best of all, just like boarding the bus to return home, Sleepaway Camp knows how to put innocent summer fun to an end with extreme prejudice. Choke on that, M. Night Shyamalan.

About the Highway

Lost Highway is your satirical detour down the twisted back roads of b-movies and cult films reviews. learn more >>