Archive for the 'Review by Sikkdays' Category

Aug

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What more is there to say about MegaForce when I can show you a picture of Barry Bostwick in costume? Move over GI Joe, the solid gold dancers are Earth’s greatest fighting force.

This gem from 1982 reeks of the modern day Hollywood formula, ACTION > PLOT. “Here’s a list of scenes that will send audiences into orgasmic bliss, write a story around them. You know what? Don’t waste your time. We’ll figure it out in editing.” Director Hal Needham, was a well known stuntman, need I say more? The MegaForce team is a group of the world’s best soldiers and a guy from the Southern US. See, like NASA they all have flag patches to display their origins. Dallas, Bostwick’s number 2, has the recently maligned confederate flag on his arm. These spandex clad motorcycle jockeys are like every other superior fighting force that’s off the books, they get called in for the tough jobs. Save the country, save the world? Um, no. Thwart tyranny or remove a corrupt dictator? Not really. There current assignment is to bait a warlord into crossing the border of the current country he is terrorizing into one where the proper military can take him down and arrest him legally. I’m not sure why you’d use the precision and expertise of the solid gold dancers as bait. I guess they don’t want MegaForce to take this guy out because that would look like the military crossed the border and their authority?
The wrong stuff
If you’re going to wear golden spandex, your vehicles have to be tricked out as well. Instead of some drab military colors, they’ve got custom paint jobs on each piece of transport featuring a very 80’s lightning bolt pattern. MEGAFORCE! “But wait! That doesn’t sound very stealthy.” No worries, there’s some techno babble to explain that the “photo sensitive” paint reacts to the light. When it’s night time, the vehicles are completely black. In the day time, more obnoxious than college kids at a big ten football game. The motorcycles are Battlestar Galactica vipers minus the space travel, wings and Starbuck. These bikes are low budget 80’s futuristic, complete with machine guns and missiles. You’ll notice them during the completely still closeups that they cut to every 3.87 seconds during a moving battle scene. The bikes are introduced to us through the eyes of a general seeing the team for the first time. The general is Devin Miles from Knight Rider, and he plays Devin Miles the general in this movie which is why I didn’t bother looking up his name. Anyway, he gets a demonstration of these supercyles in which they demolish some multicolored balloons randomly thrown above them as they drive down a road. To do that, you need to do a lot of wheelies on your motorcycle. Eat it, Mission Impossible Tom Cruise. Frickin’ wheelies, man.
silhouette love
I love finding a film that is so bad it is good, and I started the Film Frown podcast to document my journey. Is MegaForce in that category? The bad part is there, one hundred percent. Every chance they get, Bostwick the emaciated unfed Barry Gibb impersonator poses like he’s just defeated world hunger.flying motorcycle His headband is neither holding his hair, nor big enough to stop sweat. He looks like the little boy from The Ewok Adventure all grown up. His sidekick is the spitting image of Andy Gibb, so I think they must be a Bee Gees tribute group. While the vehicles are well done, you’ll be surprised when they give you a brief look inside and there’s no shag carpet. Finally, near the end Bostwick’s motorcycle sprouts wings and he flies. It’s some of the worst green screen you’ve ever seen. Greatest American Hero is like the Mona Lisa of flying heroes when compared to this scene. In case you don’t believe me, some kind person on imdb does note in the goofs section that “he’s clearly not actually flying a motorcycle.” Some movies throw stills in the credits or bloopers. Needam puts the same action scenes we saw during the film in the credits? I guess they were proud of the battle that ended with zero casualties and a rainbow.
rainbow warriors
This movie left me in awe. There was so much bad in every scene that I couldn’t take my eyes from it or disengage my brain to form an opinion. After writing that sentence, I think that I have to call MegaForce so bad it is good. I mean, it has to be seen to be believed. How did this film get released?

roadside attractions

  • Barry Bostwick’s winning smile
  • vyger with hair
  • military holograms used for porn
  • wheelies
  • two motorcycle jumps, yes TWO!
  • Barry Bostwick’s shit eating grin
  • green screen skydiving
  • thumbs up for spandex
  • Barry Bostwick’s leering smirk
  • proto-Team America: World Police
totals

0

blood

BLOOD

The director wanted to make an action film that was good, clean fun where no one died, with tanks and machine guns.

1

blood

BREASTS
+1 because we’re lucky to have a single woman in this film. Who needs nudity when everyone is in spandex?

4.5

beast

BEASTS

To be fair there’s no beast, but the young Henry Silva is a monster at being the most likable bad guy ever.

6 OVERALL
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Jul

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What do you get when you cross Crank with Dusk ’til Dawn? Electric vampires! Well, now I need to search the web for a movie about electric vampires because Witching & Bitching is not that film. Instead, it’s a film about the mother goddess eating and pooping children.

Our heroes are a couple of street mascots, a taxi driver and a little boy. The film opens with a great stylized spin on a heist. I’ve never been a fan of Hot Fuzz because I think they missed the parody mark. The way that film was shot isn’t mimicking action movies, it’s exactly the same. The opening scene in Witching & Bitching has Jesus, Sponge Bob, Minnie Mouse and a little boy in a gun porn. The slo-mo scenes that are required in every action drama have a foam Sponge Bob taking bullets and Jesus hanging out a car window blowing away cop cars. Are you still reading this? Why are you not on Netflix?
Spongebob
Our intrepid, surviving thieves and the little boy find themselves jumping into a cab because of complications with the getaway car. You know what “complications” mean in a movie, right? It’s a woman. Conversation in the getaway taxi quickly moves from how things went wrong to a bitch fest about ladies. The “plastic, green army man” shares the missed getaway car with his successful girlfriend and she makes him feel like less of a man. Jesus, who is the father of the little boy complains about his ex-wife who calls to yell at him as they flee the scene. Everyone laments the fact that he took his son on a heist, but of course Jesus is doing it all for him. Sacrifice, you know?

After everyone in the car agrees that women have made their lives hell, even the kidnapped taxi driver throws his wedding ring out the window and joins the gang. Jesus is, like really convincing. Similar to Dusk ’til Dawn this Spanish horror comedy takes a turn when they offer an old woman a ride home. She’s a witch. Not like all the rest, literally. It turns out tonight is a very big ceremony and offering. Also, these gents are part of the plan. It’s all very real danger, but it’s hard for the boys to focus on living when the witch’s daughter is very attractive. Never mind that she’s evil and psychotic.

The great thing about the witches is their polite and casual attitude. It’s like the situational irony in the short play The Still Alarm by George S. Kaufman where a building is on fire and the characters inside, including the fireman are perfect gentleman and casually chatting amidst the crisis. After several failed escape attempts, it looks like the the gang is in trouble.

Hope could arrive in the form of the boy’s angry mom. She’s traced his cellphone after seeing footage at the cop shop of him robbing the “We Buy Gold” store. The police are tailing her in an effort to arrest the gang, but there’s some ridiculous personality & rank issues in this partnership that only a near death experience can fix. Hope dies quickly when the witches capture all of them and ceremony begins.

Every ceremony needs a song and it’s like the rave scene from the Matrix films, unnecessarily long. Don’t get down though because the mother goddess is naked giant with a basket head. The mother goddess statues in the opening credits cannot prepare you for busty evil that is about to eat the little boy. It would be dangerously sexist of me to say that she is the one true god because no one would ever want to be in a relationship with this CGI monstrosity. Oh. Looks like I said it. Send the hate mail to CGI me, that perfectly sculpted, sexist polygon.
goddess
Jesus escaped before the ceremony thanks to the psychotic daughter because she loves him. Can you blame her? Jesus is love. However, she is found out and punished leaving Jesus to find her putrid brother. The witch’s bro has been locked away because he’s got a penis. You know witches, they’re big on girl power. He agrees to help Jesus after being set free. Unfortunately, they’re too late to help Jesus’ son. The others and myself are in shock. Hollywood does not make movies where bad guys win and more importantly where giants with enormous, exposed, swaying jugs devour and poop children. Now the boy is the chosen one. What does that mean? He’ll be a proctologist? And why am I always watching movies with stuff coming out of people’s asses? What sort of weird fetish is that? Is there help for me or at least an internet community where I can share my shame? Check out Witching & Bitching to answer some of those questions and return to the Lost Highway to find more great films and witness my asinine adventures.

roadside attractions

  • face-sitting
  • sautéed house keys
  • finger foods
  • adult broom riding
  • delicious frog juice
  • phone call from armageddon
  • french kissing
  • dancing on the ceiling minus Lionel
  • indigestible child
  • ginormous vag
totals

3

blood

BLOOD

You can’t have all the witchy mutilation without a little blood.

2

blood

BREASTS
Well for sheer size, it started out as a 10 but -12 for them being on the beast. +4 for the very seductive, but never exposed Carolina Bang.

6.5

beast

BEASTS

The witches are great foils for our heroes, and the mother goddess brings up the rear. A whole lot of it.

7.5 OVERALL
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Jun

posted by sikkdays | June 1, 2015 | B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Comedy, Horror movies, Review by Sikkdays, Zombies

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mono a mono

Exiled in Canada, it seems mandatory that I watch and review Zombeavers. The beaver is “a symbol of the sovereignty of Canada.” Why? Canada was colonized because Europeans wanted those beaver pelts for their fashionable hats. “Sorry we almost hunted you to extinction, eh. To make it up to you, we’ll put you on stationary.” Plus, snow is boring and depressing to make your national symbol. Anyway, I don’t think my Canadian neighbors can pass judgement on this film, but I can. Zombeavers chewed their way into my heart because the film used practical effects and not awful CGI.

The trailer below adheres to the popular SyFy ridiculous concept/title formula but the movie is executed far better than those featured on that network. There’s few plot surprises, nuclear waste + beavers versus college guys + boobs staying at the token family cabin. We establish the beaver den on the lake, the girls show skin and we meet creepy neighbors. Oh, and we must not forget to mention it is a cabin in the woods, so shucks there’s no cellphone signal. As far as cast we have the smart one, the disarming one, the outgoing partier and the generic bros.
Boo CGI! At the moment, this film has just shown up on Netflix. For how long? Only Netflix knows, but if you’re looking for a ridiculous b-movie to give you a laugh I would recommend it. Well, I say watch it if you’ve exhausted all the other options on Netflix. This is not something you choose over X-Files binge watching or any movie in the Imaginative movies featuring spoiled fruit category. However, if you’ve streamed it all and your stuck with watching Terrance Malick films, White Chicks or Zombeavers, you know what to do.

In case you take my advice, I’ve decided not to drop any spoilers for once. There’s a couple reasons I think you’ll enjoy the film, though most of them would be spoily. Zombeavers starts with Jon Mayer and comedian Bill Burr as the irresponsible nuclear waste truck drivers. A simple scene that could have been 45 seconds of an accidental spill, is instead an absurd bit of dialogue filled with non sequiturs that was likely improved. Fans of Jon Mayer will be delighted to see his fake mustache, while haters can draw comfort from the fact that he’s playing himself, a musician and personality coating the world with his nuclear sludge. I was also somewhat surprised by the character(s) that make it to the finish line and the makeup was great.

b-movie male lead?Had this film been my magnum opus, I would have added more Theodore Cleaver. It’s a zombie film, so my vision is that anyone who is unfortunate not to die by the tail of the beavers would be turned into Jerry Mathers, “as the Beaver.” I’d also set the film in Canada. Not because I am biased, but because I think it would add more tension. In the past, beavers were nearly hunted to extinction. In the future, it is man who is dammed!

roadside attractions

  • all kinds of tail
  • no Jon Mayer songs
  • award winning growling
  • botched beaver circumcision
  • dick pics
  • doggie life jacket
  • death by beaver cut tree
  • beaver candygram
  • land line? really?
totals

5

blood

BLOOD

There wasn’t enough, so they substituted CGI blood. Boo.

5

blood

BREASTS
No cellphone signal? Zoe will walk around topless in protest.

6

beast

BEASTS

So hilariously bad they’re good.

5 OVERALL
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May

posted by sikkdays | May 4, 2015 | B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Bad movie, Review by Sikkdays, Sci-Fi

Comments Off on Super Hybrid

Most cars destroy your wallet. This one puts you out of your misery and eats you. If you loved Christine you are going to somewhat enjoy Super Hybrid. That was my thinking as I went into it. Sure, this film is not going to compete with my memory of how much I enjoyed Christine. Yet, it featured some cool cars, had some ambitious special effects and modern pacing to entertain me. Also, shapeshifting cars that run on blood are better for the environment.

One night, stereotypical dudes are walking down the alley after a way cool night of Bud Lights at the sport’s bar where they watched sports because stereotype. They walk by a black Chevy Nova disinterested because bro-versation is needed to build this one-dimensional character stereotype, dude. One turns around and the car is replaced with a red Corvette, unlocked with the keys in it. Surely an insurance scam, “the owner wants us to take it.” They get in, the doors shut and the windows tint but not before we see a bloody hand and face.

Tentacle porn?Other dimensional, alien cars know enough to manipulate people to get inside, but can’t read traffic signs. Thus, it runs through an intersection and gets t-boned in a terrible accident. This sets us up for the rest of the film as the car is impounded in an inner city police garage where a bunch a bunch of people that don’t like each other work third shift. That’s right, third shift because scary things don’t happen when the sun is out.

Our unhappy cast consists of three grease monkeys, a college student, jerk boss, jersey girl, and Tilda the lead. Unfortunately, the writer seems influenced by the outcry that there are not enough strong, female characters. He made the mistake of many Hollywood productions by simply changing the gender of the lead. She is an action hero in the film. Male or female, the Tilda character is not a strong character beyond the will to survive a demon turtle squid from Neptune’s moon Thalassa. I’ll steer clear of getting lost in debate, but actresses and audiences alike want strong characters who are female, not Dr. Steel from R.O.T.O.R. No offense to buff ladies, I’m just saying the lead role in Air Bud is played by a dog, but it’s not a complex, multi-dimensionsional character with flaws. The ShamWow guy could easily play his Air-ness.

Squidmobile takes out one grease monkey who finds the door open and gets too close. I suppose I should mention that once victims are inside, before the windows tint to hide the gore we see some easily rendered tentacles attack folks. After the grease monkey goes missing the others find the car which is not where it is supposed to be. The hood won’t pop and they need to go get a rig to move it. Meanwhile as they look for the missing grease monkey, victim two stumbles onto an attractive car that simply opens its door. This time Tilda has witnessed the act and rolls across the top of the vehicle when it tries to mow her down.

People devouring monster car is a hard sell to her jerk boss and the others. The jerk boss, played by Oded Fehr was the worst. How hard is it to be a curmudgeon? His character is not a nice guy. Yet, he’s just not believable as a jerk boss. If he was trying to be the rough exterior with a soft interior, it didn’t work. Perhaps it was the script, but he took me out of the movie almost every time he spoke.

rules of the roadThe not-so jerk boss & the others go looking for the dead greasers or the supposed car of doom. Instead, they find a seventies wood panel station wagon. Tilda and her nephew college student say the car’s surface feels like the other one! Yet, the last grease monkey and the boss think their crazy. Let’s just pry the hood open with a crowbar and…those aren’t horses! Apparently on Neptune horsepower is measured in slimy tentacle maws. This grocery getter has 405 STM (Slimy tentacle maws) under its hood and it is angry. At this point, I was confused how the alien could perfectly imitate the exterior and interior of a car but not the engine compartment.

After running for their lives and hiding behind a few cars College, the Canadian version of Jeremy & Jason London, tells us that this angry bag of alien meat must be like a squid he read about in school. We learn that the made up latin named squid Parateuthis Inoculatus, can mimic other animals, plants and things to snare prey. Obviously this alien must do the same, but it imitates cars because America? I mean I like cars as much as the next guy but if you’re looking to start a body count maybe disguise yourself as a porn star. Species probably wouldn’t have spawned so many sequels if Natasha Henstridge’s part was played by a Mustang.

Nonetheless, the car continues to prey on them and jerk boss won’t let anyone out of the building because he wants to kill it for a big reward. I thought Space X was about getting a vehicle into outer space not finding one from outer space, but what do I know?

I won’t bore you with all the less than gory details. Car changes appearance, kills someone, they fight back and car changes appearance again. Squidmobile can transform into other cars but we don’t ever see it happen. Is it a Christine movie without the special effects because they can’t afford them? Well, it transforms into many cars which smash into other vehicles. So, they spent the budget on automobiles, I guess.

There’s plenty of killer car films out there and I would recommend you find them because even though it is a hybrid, this film didn’t go the distance. Try one of Barry Goodall’s suggestions like The Car or The Wraith. There’s not many killer car movies that have been remake. In fact the odds aren’t that good.

roadside attractions

  • murdered out Nova
  • sinister station wagon
  • purple people-eater pick up
  • zero car insurance commercials
  • heat vision minus jack
  • shape shifting
  • New Turtle Wax spokesalien
  • tentacle porn
  • Jersey girl
totals

1

blood

BLOOD

Lots of metallic, alien blue blood that every character can touch without consequence. Otherwise, we’re on empty.

2

blood

BREASTS

We are not over sexualizing the main character aside from a wet tank top because strong female character.

4

beast

BEASTS

Sound design and the cars bring our squidy turtle alive.

3 OVERALL
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About the Highway

Lost Highway is your satirical detour down the twisted back roads of b-movies and cult films reviews. learn more >>