There are very few great films about a man from the real world being “zapped” in to a video game. The Dungeonmaster (aka Ragewar: The Challenges of Excalibrate) ain’t on that list. Heck, it ain’t even in the same time zone.

When a film with a overall run time of about 76 minutes (including credits) starts out with more slow-motion than a season finale of Baywatch, you know yer in trouble. And did I mention Dungeonmaster has seven directors? Well, it has seven directors.

Our hero is computer nerd Paul—the flick starts with his slow-motion dream of waking up in a lab, covered in all kinds of medical scanners and probes. Some may call that a nightmare, but me, I jus’ call that a Tuesday after lunch.

Paul chases a film cliché–I mean a lady in a red dress—through some kind of complex, and ‘bout a minute later, we see her naked. So, I’ll give Dungeonmaster this: they make quick with the boobies. Paul gets ready to do the horizontal mambo with the lady in red, when a bunch of ogres crash the party. Sounds like prom night in Middle-Earth to me. Maybe the ogres were summoned by the lady in red’s One Promise Ring?

With the dream over, Paul, with giant 80s glasses, awakes at his desk. We’re treated to some background about Paul being a super-smart computer programmer as well as his pair of short shorts. No lie. He runs home from work. Or he’s just a show off. Even bet, I guess. If I had his legs, I’d sure as hell show ‘em off—they’d look great over my fireplace. And by fireplace, I mean the crack in the wall of my cell the glowing cockroaches crawl through.

Speaking of computers, Paul has his brain hooked up to his computer—Cal. “She” talks to him, and Paul’s movie screen sized glasses act as computer screens. Computers in you brain? I had a bad enough time with the radio transmitters in my teeth. Never underestimate the value of a good pair of pliers—or spandex. What? Ah, well we’re treated to a scene of Paul’s lady, Gwen, doing aerobics with a gaggle of gals at the gym.

Gwen is jealous of Cal—despite Paul’s wanting to be married. To Gwen. Not the computer. I know, it gets complicated.

And from there, the couple gets zapped into…uh…somewhere, because it don’t look like no computer I’ve ever been in. The evil wizard, Mestema, has taken Paul and Gwen to his realm for, what else, a challenge! Let’s back up though—Mestema is played by TV’s Richard Moll. Y’know, Bull on Night Court? He nails the creepy villain part.

Paul is forced to survive seven challenges—or “levels” if you prefer. Mestema is really into cosplay, because he’s given Gwen a damsel in distress outfit, and Paul some fancy leather armor, with a wrist version of Cal–which pretty much solves all the riddles and blasts all the baddies.

And there are baddies: angry dwarves, zombies, demons, a stone giant—the list goes on. One high point in a later challenge which features Mestema’s frozen rogues gallery, which includes the likes of Jack the Ripper, the Wolf-Man, the Mummy and Einstein. Yep.

And an even higher point is a level in which Paul faces off against the band W.A.S.P. This follows a scene in which Mestema treats Paul to some Phillip Glass-like torture (which is a Thursday for me). Yes, Blackie Lawless and the boys are playing a gig, and Paul has to save Gwen from the wicked ways.

Double horns, baby.

While it ain’t Tron, The Last Starfighter, or even Tron: Legacy, Dungeonmaster does have its moments. It features some fun old school special effects by Dave Allen (Equinox, The Howling), which makes it worth a watch on its own. Plus, there’s boobs within the first two minutes (and a few more scattered throughout the film). Tiger says, give this one a watch.

Wanna say hi? Tweet at me @tigersixon. I may answer if yer lucky.

Angry dwarves Tiny demons Stone giants Blackie Lawless 80s glasses Spandex–lots of spandex Zombies Frozen Einstein Wrist lasers Ladies in Red Bathing beauties Dwarves with guns Car crashes	1 BLOOD Save for a few zombie decapitations, this flick is pretty light on the blood. 6 BREASTS We got boobies in the first two minutes. That’s a plus. There are a few more later, but they are under semi-see through clothing. 10 BEASTS All kinds of beasts here—zombies, demons, giants, Richard Moll. You name it. 6.0 OVERALL

Check out the trailer for “The Dungeonmaster”

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1991 was a banner year. The Cold War came to an end, Queen Elizabeth II became the very first British monarch to address the US Congress, and Dollman was released on home video. Yes, home video. This gem was direct to video, as part of Full Moon Entertainment’s stable along with the Puppet Master and Trancer series.

The “Thirteen Inches with Attitude” tagline may make you think this is a bio pic about Tattoo from Fantasy Island or a sequel to Boogie Nights, but it ain’t.

Tim Thomerson (remember him from Zone Troopers?) plays alien cop Brick Bardo. A tough guy with a gun, who always gets his man. OK, let’s face facts—Thomerson pretty much plays the same character in every film, be it Dollman, Trancers, or Zone Troopers. But that’s just fine. He’s good at those kind of characters. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it—just like the armadillo trap in my cell. Them’s good eatin’.

Bardo is busy busting heads on a far away planet, which involves him wearing sunglasses at night (cue the song), when he gets a visit from an old pal. And by an old pal, I mean a bad guy who has been resorted to a floating head, thanks to Mr. Bardo. Apparently, Bardo blew off a different body part during each of their previous encounters. This is how you get ahead in relationships.

A henchman steals Bardo’s gun, but our hero uses a Jedi mind trick to return it to his hand—and that’s when all Hell breaks loose. And so do body parts. Lots of body parts. Bardo’s hand gun turns Floating Head’s henchmen into something out of a Picasso painting. Floating Head escapes in a spaceship and Bardo gives chase in his own. The pair is sucked into a worm hole in outer space (as opposed to Wisconsin), and they crash land, where else, but in the Bronx. Hilarity ensues. Literally.

This is where the Doll portion of the title comes in to effect. It turns out, that while Bardo was of normal size on his home planet, he is only thirteen inches tall on Earth. Reminds of that time I went to [CLASSIFIED] where all the [CLASSIFIED] are super tall. Good thing I do all that yoga.

After arriving in the Bronx, we are treated to a touching montage of what the city has to offer: crime, drugs, and violence. Ah, city life. A woman, Debi, is attacked by a gang near where Bardo crash landed, so he lends a hand. And like Stubby Joe over in D-Block on the base, it is a very tiny hand.

Bardo’s super-powerful gun only does average damage to the giant henchmen of Earth, but it is still plenty. What baddies survive, run away. Debi, thankful but confused, takes Bardo home with her.

Remember Floating Head? He’s on Earth too, and about as dangerous as half of a tennis ball. Oh, and he has a bomb of some kind. Details. He joins forces with the gang’s leader, Braxton—Oscar nominated actor, Jackie Earle Haley, who looks like a poor man’s Ray Liotta in this. Yes, this was many years before his nomination (for Little Children), but you have to start somewhere, just like my tapeworm. You may also remember Haley as Rorschach in Watchmen or as Freddy in the Nightmare on Elm Street reboot. No? That’s OK, I didn’t seem those either.

Back at Debi’s apartment, Bardo makes short work of a cockroach with his gun, and she yells “don’t pull that thing out again!” She sounds just like my second wife. She hated my glass eye. Just kidding. It was a real eye.

Braxton’s crew shows up for the Dollman, but Bardo paints the walls with their blood. Really, he does. Debi scrubs it off with a sponge in the next scene—and then gets kidnapped. Bardo has enough, and goes for one last tiny showdown with the gang, proving once again, that just like cheap dentures, friends come in all sizes.

Dollman has plenty of blood, but no breasts, and very few beasts unless you count Floating Head and a “giant” cockroach. Still, it is fun to watch Thomerson act like he is only thirteen inches tall, and for direct to video, the special effects are pretty good. Give this one a watch. Drop me a line on the Twitters, @tigersixon.

Bloody walls Alien Laundromats Sunglasses at night Exploding crooks Floating heads Tiny spaceships Bloody Gang bangers Colored Bandanas Flannel “Giant” Roaches and Mice Big guns Tiny men Inter-dimensional bombs Lost limbs	10 BLOOD There is no shortage of the red stuff in Dollman. It helps when the main character has a gun that can blow baddies to pieces. 0 BREASTS You don’t see any fun bags in this outing. Sorry, kids. 5 BEASTS Floating Head counts as a beast, I suppose, as he is rather creepy. Plus you have a “giant” cockroach and “giant” mouse. 5.0 OVERALL

Check out the trailer for “Dollman”

Zone Troopers hits close to home for me. I can certainly relate to one of the major plot points—coming across a crashed alien spaceship. Although in my version of the story, I [CLASSIFIED] and [CLASSIFIED] with [CLASSIFIED] in Tijuana.

Part of me thinks this is the film that Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull wanted to be—or at least, should have been: a squad of Allied troops come across an alien ship while fighting Nazis in Italy during World War II (as opposed to the War of 1812). This film was definitely more enjoyable than Indy 4, but then so was pulling radio transmitters out of my molars.

If the Allies and the Nazis didn’t clue you into the fact this film takes place in the 1940s, than the use of the song In the Mood certainly will. It is to the 1940s what Material Girl or Take On Me is to the 1980s.

A squad of lovable Allies soldiers (Sarge, Joey, Mittens, and Dolan) find themselves behind Nazi lines (where it is “raining,” despite the sunny fields in the background). Proof this film was destined for greatness: the nigh-invulnerable Sarge was played by Tim Thomerson, known for his role as Jack Deth in the Trancers series, and Joey was played by Tim Van Patten, star of the Master Ninja episodes of Mystery Science Theater 3000. He also played the wicked teen Peter Stegman in 1982’s Class of 1984.

After a big shoot out with the Nazis, the army boys are lost, and their compasses are acting goofier than Aunt Helga at a biergarten. What’s the cause? Nazi magic? Hardly. Aliens! While working their way through the Italian forest, we’re treated to the point of view of said alien—watching the team from the trees, with red-tinted vision and garbled sounds. This same gag was used three years later in Predator, proof that Zone Troopers was ahead of its time.

The gang takes refuge in a barn for the night—and Joey breaks a B-Movie Survival Tip: he goes for a walk on his own, at night. Many a cheerleader or recently deflowered geeky teenager have met their end this way. Joey comes across the remains of a giant, leathery egg—and a real live alien.

The alien is garbed in a leisure suit and its face looks like a fly and a wombat had a kid. How that would actually work, I don’t know. But then, anything is possible with a case of the Beast and Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game on repeat. Joey runs back into the barn, and thinking he is suffering from shell shock, promptly burns his science fiction comic book. For shame!

The next day, Mittens and Dolan come across a Nazi camp, and a tent filled with photos of a crashed alien ship, which is better than photos of a crashed Eleanor Roosevelt, I guess. Meanwhile, Sarge and Joey find the spaceship in question. Joey is all about the usual “boldly going” jive, but the Sarge has his own idea—blow it up.

Just like my grandma’s prom, Nazis spoil the party. Mittens and Dolan are captured, while the Sarge and Joey escape—but not before blowing the Nazis in the spaceship sky high.

Mittens and Dolan are interrogated by the SS, and even get a visit from Mr. Hitler himself. Dazed and confused, Mittens pops Hitler in the nose, and hilarity ensues—and by hilarity, I mean Mittens and Dolan are locked up in the dog kennels—along with the alien.

Joey, in disguise, comes to the rescue, but not before a beefy Nazi officer disapproves of his five o’clock shadow and muddy shoes. After a daring escape, the team, with the alien in tow, seeks cover in, of all things, an abandoned crypt. Because nothing bad would happen in a crypt, right?

In the crypt, the soldiers pal it up with the alien—who has a taste for cigarettes. And I don’t mean smoking—I mean eating. Thankful for the smokes, the alien shares a gadget that generates a hard-light hologram of a babe—which, just like my last marriage, lasts all of a minute. The final showdown is chuck full of more aliens, ray guns, vaporized Nazis, and disappearing tanks. It makes for amusing visuals, just like eating last December’s meatloaf.

Ol’ Tiger says while it may rank low on the Lost Highway Totals, give this one a watch—Zone Troopers is full of campy fun. Anything with ray guns has my vote. Have a B-movie you think I should review? Drop me a line on the Twitters, @tigersixon.

knife to the head Pre-Predator alien vision 1 un-killable Sarge Cigarette eating Hitler punching Exploding spaceships Beefy Nazi officers Loud Nazis 1 bug-eyed alien Solider allegories 1 holo-babe Ray guns Vaporized Nazis Disappearing tanks Comic book burning

5 BLOOD While there is a bunch of killing in this flick, we don’t see much blood—especially when Nazis start getting vaporized with ray guns. 2 BREASTS the holo-babe is cute, but sadly her breasts are covered the whole time. You can pretend the alien’s bug-eyes are a nice pair of C-cups, but if you do I will not accept your Facebook friend request. 7 BEASTS yes there is an alien, but it is a friendly. Still, our bug-eyed friend still dishes out plenty of havoc via its collection of ray guns and other gadgets. But, you have an army of Nazis to pick up the beastly slack. 5.0 OVERALL

Check out the trailer for “Zone Troopers”

Tiger Sixon was locked up in a secret desert base with only the government’s cache of weapons grade B-movies to keep him entertained. No one knows why the government locked up one of their best operatives, but it is rumored to involve aliens, a spaceship, and a hefty bar tab. He lost an eye in an accident with a lobster and pogo stick. Now here’s Tiger’s first b-movie review from the confines of his jail cell. Food of the Gods.

Any time a film starts with “based on a portion of a novel” you know yer in for somethin’ special. That’s the case with FOOD OF THE GODS. It is based on “a portion” of H. G. Wells’ book of the same name.

But what portion? A sentence? A paragraph? That would be like reading Moby Dick and making a movie based on the ship’s cook, but still calling it Moby Dick.

But let’s get down to brass tacks—FOOD OF THE GODS ain’t a cookin’ film. This ain’t no JULIA AND JULIA. Heck, it ain’t even ATTACK OF THE KILLER TOMATOES. This is a nature revenge film.

It is kind of like THE HAPPENING, except there’s no Marky Mark and it didn’t piss me off.

The film starts out with narration by our hero, “My name is Morgan, and I play football.” That reminds me of my last group psych evaluation here at the base: “Hi, my name is Tiger and I [CLASSIFIED].”

The opening credits at a snow covered football field feature bouts of freeze frame action—not to build tension, but to draw attention to the fact that the producers dropped some serious Loonies to shoot at a Canadian football field.

Morgan, who looks like the ‘70s version of Sean Penn, treats us to another voice over, going on to explain that his father, who was apparently a prophet, warned him that someday, nature would have enough and seek revenge. The only thing my dad could predict was the end of a six pack.

Morgan goes on vacation, probably because the rest of the team hates him. The movie doesn’t say so, but you can tell by the look in their eyes that they hate Morgan. Just like I could at my first grade graduation.

Morgan opts to spend a cold weekend on some island in the Pacific North-West with the team’s PR guy and another buddy in tow (does anyone ever say Atlantic North-East?).

On the island they hunt a deer on horseback with a team of foxhounds. Reminds of the last time I was invited to Camp David.

Things take a turn for the interesting when Morgan’s football buddy gets killed by a giant wasp—which is a combination of a giant puppet and a super-imposed photo doing the Cha-cha.

It took a mere seven minutes to get to the first kill of this film. Some folks ain’t got time to bleed; me, I ain’t got time for plot.

Morgan looks for inside a barn, and he finds giant chickens. Get the Colonel on the phone. The chickens proceed to ruin Morgan’s jacket, but his flowing locks remain unscathed. The chickens switch between giant puppets and a split screen of real chickens. Morgan then meets Mrs. Skinner and asks about the massive fowls in the barn.

Mrs. Skinner explains that the feathery behemoths are the result of normal chickens being fed the Food of the Gods. Huzzah. We have a title invocation.

We find out later that the Food of the Gods is thick custard that comes out of a hill in the Skinners’ backyard. If only BEVERLY HILLBILLIES had used the same plot device.

Speaking of the Skinners, Mr. Skinner went to the mainland in hopes of selling the Food of the Gods to a chemical company. He dies via a herd of giant rats when he stops to fix a flat tire. Never stop to fix a flat. CGI can never replace the charm of watching rats chew apart a toy Volkswagen.

Morgan returns to the mainland with the body of his dead pal. The PR guy comes to the football field, which days later is still covered in snow, and says their buddy was killed with enough stings for 250 Police concerts.

Morgan and PR guy return to the island and meet an unmarried couple in a Winnebago, and the lady is pregnant. Instant Drama! Just add a preggo lady.

A pair of folks from the chemical company Mr. Skinner visited also shows up, and hilarity ensues.

And by hilarity, I mean herds of giant rats eating everything in sight. The rats are THE reason to watch this film. They are a combination of puppets and split screen footage of real rats attacking model cars and houses. They run in slow-motion and growl like jaguars.

There is even a lone white rat in the bunch. Hey, maybe this film was based on a portion of Moby Dick too?

Morgan must of read the Anarchist Cookbook in high school, because he is quite apt at makin’ pipe bombs–which he uses to blow up a dam. He figures, while the rats can swim, they are not used to swimming at 150 pounds and will sink. Gravity is a harsh mistress. I learned that the first time I flew a [CLASSIFIED].

Morgan’s theory proves correct, and we’re treated to footage of rats in an aquarium.

But wait, just like my mother in law, the white rat shows up at the last minute. Morgan smashes its head in with the stock of his shotgun. That’ll learn it.

Morgan treats the dead rats to a Viking funeral, and muses aloud, “I guess that’s the end of them.”

Wrong. A jar of the Food of the Gods washes up near a group of cows, which promptly chow down. Said cows are then milked, and the film cuts to a scene of school children drinking milk. This is why I only drink the green stuff the base doctor says keeps me from screaming.

Looks like their mom’s are gonna be buyin’ XXXXXL sweaters this Christmas.

Tiger Sixon says, give this flick a watch—but skip it if growling rats running in slow-motion creep ya out.

Puppet punching Hen pecking Giant wasps, chickens, maggots, and rats 1 knife wielding house wife 1 exploding wasp nest Bucket dumping Jar breaking 1 toy Volkswagen 1 toy Winnebago Growling rats Rat Drowning Rat-B-Que

9 BLOOD the blood is spaced out, but between the giant maggots chewing Mrs. Skinner’s arm and the rats eating people alive, there is plenty to go around—and it is ‘70s neon red blood. And let’s not forget the red paint balls shot at all the rats. 4 BREASTS the only breasts we see in this PG-rated film are those of the giant chickens. White meat or dark? 10 BEASTS Just like a family reunion, there are tons of beasts here. Giant chickens, giant wasps, giant maggots, and a legion of giant rats. 7.7 OVERALL

Check out the trailer for “Food of the Gods”