Archive for the 'Review by Tiger Sixon' Category

Nov

Comments Off on A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell

I’ll say one thing about A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell: it delivers on its promise. There is a titular nymphoid. Dinosaurs abound. There are barbarians. And there is no shortage of Hell. It is worth notin’ that the title says Nymphoid, not Nymphomaniac, which is what I thought it said. Big difference between the two, and as a result, my Tuesday morning.

Accordin’ to Prof. Wikipedias, nymphoid refers to a nymph, meanin’: A young girl, especially one who inspires lustful feelings.

Makes sense. Lea, said nymphoid, is young and just about every guy in the flick wants to give her saddle a rattle.

Now, compare to nymphomaniac: A woman with excessive sexual desire.

If the flick were A Nymphomaniac Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell, the plot probably wouldn’t move too far. Lea would be lovin’ everythin’ in sight, just like Ma Sixon after her Thanksgivin’ gallon of Wild Turkey.

Nymphoid Barbarian In dinosaur HellBut sadly, there is very little lovin’ in this flick. In fact, more uglies were bumped in Forrest Gump.

This here post-apocalyptic flick opens with Lea explainin’ how the world came to an end over a montage (a “capitalist conspiracy” is mentioned–some thing never change, eh?). Most of the footage in the montage looks like it came from a bunch of other flicks, and that ain’t surprisin’, as Nymphoid was a Troma release. They reuse more old footage than a rerun of America’s Funniest Home Videos.

To sum up: bad stuff happened in the past (see: Nukes), and now the ravaged world is filled with mutants and dinosaur-like beasties. Items of note: Lea claims to be from Tromaville, and she starts her narration with “Dear Diary,” even though, as we learn later, she can barely read.

Tryin’ to survive in this Dinosaur Hell are our nymphoid and her boyfriend, Marn. Yes, when you get right down to it, this flick is a love story. A love story with some road bumps, mind you. Seems like everyone is after Lea. In the first few minutes of the flick, a gang, who looks like a Manowar cosplay, tries to capture and have their way with Lea.

Marn saves Lea, but later on, she gets captured by a pack of reptoids and their master, a poor man’s Kurgan. The group of baddies beat the tar out of Marn, but he is nursed back to health by an old man, who is learned in the ways of public domain literature (he recites the Jabberwocky poem from Through the Looking Glass). After he’s healed up, Marn goes searchin’ for Lea. What we have here is a ‘boy meets girl, boy loses girl, girl meets mutants, boy fights mutants’ kinda love story.

And dinosaurs. Lots of dinosaurs. The effects are classic stop-motion animation, and pretty dang good for a low-budget flick. While there is a fair amount of action, the combat is about as fierce as a third grade stage version of Braveheart: punches and kicks barely connect, and weapons are swung with hesitation. Given that most of the cast played multiple parts, I guess the director didn’t want anyone gettin’ hurt.

Now, this don’t mean the flick is lacking in blood. Nope. Limbs are severed. Baddies are chomped to bits by dinos. Heck, there’s even a bit of cannibalism—just in time for Thanksgivin’!

The acting in A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell is its weakest link, but it only adds to the charm and if you are worried ‘bout the actin’ in a film called A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell, then you are probably watchin’ the wrong movie, friend.

Tiger says, give this one a watch for the stop-motion animation alone, but bring a few beers–or a gallon of Wild Turkey.


Tiger Sixon is forced to watch B-movies from the comfort of a secret government base in Death Valley. He looks nothing at all like Daniel J. Hogan (@danieljhogan) who draws the comic Clattertron.

roadside attractions

  • Nukes
  • Ear biting
  • Tromaville Sign
  • Axe swinging
  • Sword whirling
  • Hesitant combat
  • Cameraman Shadows
  • Reptoid abuse
  • Swamp Men
  • Laundry stealing
  • Leather bikinis
  • Severed limbs
  • Sandworms
  • Stop motion dinosaurs
  • Dinosaur fights
  • Reptoids
  • Public Domain Literature
  • Groping
totals

6

blood

BLOOD

severed limbs and hungry dinos supply plenty of blood. Plus: cannibalism!

2

blood

BREASTS

we see Lea’s mosquito bites for about 39 frames in the final five minutes.

10

beast

BEASTS

A variety of dinos, reptoids, mutants and more.

6.00 OVERALL
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Nov

Comments Off on Audio B-movie Review – Dollman

Hey y’all, Tiger here.

I was able to do another one o’ those Audio Reviews for the Ginger and the Geek Podcast. If yer ears be hungry for more o’ my golden voice, then give my audio review of Dollman a listen. It is under five minutes long, which is about how long my third marriage lasted.

If you wanna listen to the whole dang podcast episode, feel free. It is an hour and three minutes long, making it a touch longer than my fourth marriage.

I also have a wrote up version of the review too. Enjoy.

Oct

Comments Off on Arena

Arena

Do you like movies about sweaty, shirtless guys punching space aliens? Then Arena (1989, dir. Peter Manoogian) is the flick for you. If not, well, then yer on the wrong website, friend. I’m sure Martha Stewart has somethin’ about puttin’ glitter on pinecones over on her site.

arenaTake Rocky and Star Trek: Deep Space Nine (or Babylon 5 if you prefer), toss ‘em in a blender and you pretty much have Arena. On a space station populated with humans and aliens, a human short order cook, Steve Armstrong, dreams of fighting in the station’s popular slugfest.

Now, let’s back up a bit. Our hero, a fighter, is named Steve Armstrong. Get it? That would be like naming Tom Cruise’s character in Days of Thunder, Cole Driveswell, or Roy Scheider in Jaws, Chief Martin Kantswim.

But, given that Steve Armstrong, played by Christopher Reeve clone Paul Satterfield, looks and acts more or less like a poor man’s Flash Gordon, the name works. This is not a serious epic about the tests and trails of a fighter, like in say The Fighter (starring the Batman and Marky Mark). Nah, this is an excuse for a guy to punch a bunch of alien puppets. Need another example? Steve’s best buddy is a short alien guy with four arms, named, of course, Shorty. This film does not take itself seriously, and I mean that in a good way.

It is worth noting that this here flick features plenty of folks from both Star Trek: Deep Space Nine and Babylon 5—science fiction TV shows about life on a space station. Both o’ these shows came a few years after Arena, so maybe we have this flick to thank for a pair of classic science-fiction shows. Or it just helped them all get another job. Typecasting, y’know? Kind of like how Don S. Davis played a fair share of military guys, or how Clint Eastwood never plays anyone who smiles.arena

Arena starts out with Steve picking a fight with some kinda fish man. Reminds me of the time I tried fishing for catfish barehanded. Steve’s throws and ‘bo’s grabs the eye of a fighter trainer, played by B5’s Claudia Christian, and he gets his wish: to be the first human in 50 years to fight in the titular arena.

But, all ain’t cheery in the arena. A shady fight promoter fixes fights and rules the roost. His henchman, DS9’s Armin Shimerman (once again in full makeup), ain’t too nice neither. Steve fights his way through alien after alien as he works his way to the top of the rankings—and yes, we are treated to a mandatory montage.

Hijinks and shady business plague Steve as he works his way up to the championship fight, but you pretty much know how this one is gonna end. Arena does have a neat plot device in the form of the Handicapper—a machine that averages out the strength between the two fighters. This comes in handy when one fighter is a scrappy human, and the other is some sort of horned cyborg-lizard with a welded on codpiece. Yeah.

arena

The real charm of Arena lies in its alien makeup effects. And, thankfully, some of the aliens ain’t yer basic humanoid shape neither. One of Steve’s first fights is against some kind of large-space grasshopper thing. It is a sight to behold, and makes the flick worth a watch on its own. They don’t make ‘em like this no more. A bit of trivia, Hollywood voice over legend, Frank Welker, provides voices for some, if not all, of the aliens Steve fights.

Tiger says, while Arena is predictable with its underdog fighter plot, it is fun and the makeup effects are great reminder of what movies were like before the overuse of CGI and motion-capture. Give it a peep, and play the Count the Star Trek/B5 Actors Drinking Game.


Tiger Sixon is forced to watch B-movies from the comfort of a secret government base in Death Valley. He looks nothing at all like Daniel J. Hogan (@danieljhogan) who draws the comic Clattertron.

roadside attractions

  • Puppet Punching
  • Alien Punching
  • Poor Customer Service
  • Food Throwing
  • Fourhanded Cooking
  • Fourhanded Massages
  • Gold Shorts
  • Cyborg Codpieces
  • Exploding Skulls
  • Hologram Dancing Girls
  • Future Star Trek Actors
  • Future Babylon 5 Actors
totals

2

blood

BLOOD

While there is plenty of fighting, mostly punching and the like, there is little blood on screen. Sure, Steve bleeds a bit here and there, but it is nothing major.

1

blood

BREASTS

We don’t see any full on naked boobies, but we get close a couple times, and Steve’s dream girl has some low cut dresses.

10

beast

BEASTS

Yes, Arena is lacking a bit in the first two categories, but it piles on the aliens with puppets, body suits and some great makeup effects—especially for a straight to video movie.

4.3 OVERALL
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Sep

posted by admin | September 3, 2011 | 70's movies, Audio Review, B-movie Reviews, Comedy, Review by Tiger Sixon, Sci-Fi

Comments Off on Audio B-movie Review – Food of the Gods

Tiger here — Well, for some dang reason, the titular ginger and the geek of Ginger and the Geek axed me to do an audio review o’er on their Listenin’ Show (AKA “podcast”).

If yer so inclined, you can listen to my audio review of Food of the Gods (’bout seven minutes) all on its own. Or, if you need help fallin’ asleep, you can listen to the full Ginger and the Geek episode (Lordy, ’bout 60 minutes).

I can’t says how much they spent on bribin’ my gov’ment overlords at the base to let this happen, but I imagine it’ll be a boring Christmas this year. Here’s a tip: paper airplanes: cheap, fun, pointy.

Enjoy. I think they worked out some kinda deal to torture feature me at least once a month.

Aug

Comments Off on Bloodtide

Bloodtide, AKA Demon Island, AKA James Earl Jones Needed a New Water Heater, is pretty much The Creature From the Black Lagoon Greek Holiday. An American tourist, played by Martin “Sweep the Leg” Kove of Karate Kid fame, goes looking for his lost sister in the Greek isles. What’s the worst that could happen?

The film actually starts all the way back in ancient Greece, when Larry King was just learning to shave, and the folks on the island are in the middle of a virgin sacrifice. And no, they ain’t tossing her to Gene Simmons, but rather some kinda critter in the water.

Fast-forward to the always-whacky 1980s, and Kove, with bikini-clad wife in tow, is island hoping around Greece looking for his estranged sister, who musta not gone to my high school, because she is a virgin. Kove finds a Greek island where throwing cats is a type of greeting and Cousin Balki is nowhere to be found. Jose Ferrer (the Emperor in Dune) runs the show, and he subjects Kove and his wife to the island’s clumsiest waiter, in hopes of scaring them off.

But Kove will not be turned away by any waiter, no matter how clumsy (as long as he ain’t trained by Mr. Miyagi, I s’pose). Kove finds his sister, who splits her days between hanging with island’s nuns and a very drunk James Earl Jones—and at this point in the film, one wishes they were as drunk as JEJ. It would only improve things. But JEJ, being a talented actor, is not content to just sit around and drink, nah, he quotes Shakespeare. A lot. Character depth: he has it.

Why is JEJ on the island? It ain’t the cat throwing or Jose Ferrer’s mustache keeping him there. Treasure. He has found a sealed door in an underwater cave. Because, nothing bad could be behind a bricked up door in a secret, underwater cave on a secluded island.

After JEJ’s Shakespeare filled demolition, an eerie mist flows out of the cave. No big deal, right? Wrong. Something nasty was hidden in that cave, and it wasn’t the Little Mermaid. What hath Darth Vader wrought?

Speaking of mermaids, we’re treated to a “beach day” scene with blondes in bikinis. Thank you for the distraction, Movie. The high point of this scene involves melons, no, not the kind in the ladies’ bikini tops—watermelons. JEJ demonstrates the correct way to prepare said melon: “You don’t cut watermelon with a knife!” he says, before punching the doomed melon open like it was an Ewok’s head.

While all this melon punching is going on, Kove’s sister begins to lose it. She has been working on restoring an old church painting of a guy fighting a monster, and keeps finding older versions under each layer. The first new layer is a guy fighting some kind of fish monster, but the next layer, shows an anatomically correct fish man attacking a woman—and let’s just say he is “standing tall” in the painting.

Forty-two minutes into the movie, give or take, we get our first kill and it is very Jaws-like. We also see our monster—which looks like a sea horse man. And it ain’t the last kill either. The bodies start piling up all over the island, and only the sacrifice of a virgin can quell the beast’s hunger. Kove won’t stand for such a thing, and neither will JEJ. But, the most terrifying part of the film is yet to come: Kove and his sister—his SISTER—share a rather passionate, touchy-feely kiss. This marks yet another JEJ film where the relationship ‘tween a brother and sister is a bit, to use the Facebook jargon, “Complicated.”

The first 40+ minutes of the film are rough, but JEJ’s over-the-top, drunken Shakespeare scenes are amusing (as is the watermelon punching scene). The monster is pretty creepy, even though you don’t see it too much, and the use of a real Greek island makes for a great location.

But the real gem here is the beach aerobic scene with one of the leading ladies. A drinking game could improve this film: take a drink whenever JEJ quotes Shakespeare, and forsooth, you’ll be in the same mindset as his character forthwith.


Tiger Sixon is forced to watch B-movies from the comfort of a secret government base in Death Valley. He looks nothing at all like Daniel J. Hogan (@danieljhogan) who draws the comic Clattertron.

roadside attractions

  • Cat Throwing
  • Clumsy Waiters
  • Shakespeare Quoting
  • Jaws Shots
  • Blondes in Bikinis
  • Beach Aerobics
  • Virgin Sacrifices
  • Watermelon Punching
  • Floating Feet
  • Rope Used as a Belt
  • Naughty Monster Paintings
  • Awkward Brother-Sister Kissing
  • Water Monsters
  • Blood in the Water
totals

3

blood  

BLOOD

It takes awhile for the blood to show up, but when it does, there is plenty of it.

2 blood  

BREASTS

Sadly, bikini tops cover the only breasts in the film.

 

3

beast  

BEASTS

Bloodtide’s beastie takes its time showing up, but it is one of the more unique movie monsters, even though it looks like a giant sea horse with an overactive libido.

3.0 OVERALL
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Lost Highway is your satirical detour down the twisted back roads of b-movies and cult films reviews. learn more >>