Archive for the 'Sci-Fi' Category

Feb

posted by admin | February 24, 2010 | 50's b-movies, Guest Review, Horror movies, Sci-Fi

Comments Off on The Brain That Wouldn’t Die

AerykAeryk is a delicate fondue of Cajun and Viking stock, with all the subtly, grace and refinement of a high colonic. He indulges in all night orgies of sex and violence with the likes of Sex With The Headless Corpse of the Virgin Astronaut. His iTunes library is named Bad Mother F***er despite the fact it has the Bangles Greatest Hits. He reads comic books, writes incessantly and he fancies himself The Lovable Rascal.

Probably most disturbing is his propensity to write about himself in third person, needlessly.

and now Lost Highway is proud to present on a silver platter Aeryk’s review of “The Brain that Wouldn’t Die.”

Tagline: Alive … without a body … fed by an unspeakable horror from hell.

Year: 1962 Runtime: 82 mins

Director: Joseph Green

Writer: Rex Carlton (original story) & Joseph Green (original story/screenplay)

Starring: Jason Evers, Virginia Leith, Leslie Daniels, Adele Lamont

What You Expect:

Science, the kind with a capital S, and not just ‘cos it’s at the beginning of the sentence.

What You Need to Know:

The science side of sci fi is usually worse than the fiction, but this is exponentially more the case when one is talking about 50’s – 60’s movies. In these stories anyone who wears a white coat majored in Science. Back in the Way Back When there wasn’t the specialization that has killed the Scientist today.

What [The Brain That Wouldn’t Die] Delivers:

The movie begins black. A woman’s voice pleads, “Let me die. Let me die.” This flooded me with sweet memories of the day I was born. No, I don’t mean to suggest I remember my birth, ‘cos I don’t. My father filmed the birth, or, more correctly, he thought he was filming it. Actually, he was filming the inside of the lens cap. He did manage to get some beautifully haunting audio of the miracle. Watching it years later, I believe I was 7 or 8, it was much like the beginning of this film.

Unlike my birth, the filmmaker removed the lens cap. It’s to an O.R. with two doctors (father and son) working feverishly to save a patient. Sadly, the operation doesn’t work. Dr. Father says, “I should have known the instant we wheeled him in this wouldn’t work.” This was completely obvious ‘cos there wasn’t any equipment in the O.R. Even Unga Bunga Cavemens™ had incense and herbs and leeches. What did they expect? Where they going to “look” him back to life?

Since the operation was a bust, the son asks if he can do it his way. Uhm, mysterious, but ok. To seal the deal Dr. Son says, “He’s dead. I can’t do any harm.”

To which, Dr. Father sighs, “Fine. Do whatever you want.”

HUH?!? I know people tend to turn a blind eye to things when it’s family, but “do whatever you want?” It’s a good thing the guy died.

After the surgery Dr. Son gets a frantic message that he’s needed at the weekend cottage. Dr. Son and his fiance rush off. The road to the cottage is treacherous, full of slow curves and rolling hills. Along a straight stretch of highway, Dr. Son somehow loses control of the car, launching it off a cliff. Or, that’s what the filmmakers wanted to film, but what actually happens is he meanders slightly to the right, BEFORE the tight curve, and bumps into the guardrail.

Cut to: the rocky cliff they were driving along magically transforms into a soft grassy slope down which Dr. Son starts rolling, having been thrown from the car.

Cut to: Another magic transformation into a different hill, where he comes to a stop. He quickly jumps up and runs AWAY from where he had crashed. Somehow makes it back to the car.

Ah! The power of cheese.

But, wait, it gets AWE-some! When Dr. Son makes it back to the car his fiance’s hand raises from in the burning car, shakes dramatically, then fall back. Dr. Son takes off is jacket and, rather than reach over the side of the car, as it was a convertible, WITH the top down, he reaches through the broken windshield and tosses his coat in. I would have been cornfused, but nothing else made sense. Why should this?

Why would he toss in his coat, you ask? Only to have the best thing ever happen. The writhing hand hands back the coat all wrapped up with something in it. Her HEAD! Yes, her decapitated body wrapped its head in the jacket and handed it back to him. Rather than worry about her death, or spaz, or just die, she used her last few seconds to neatly pack her head and hand it off to the man she loved. They don’t make womerns like that any more.
In the weekend cottage Dr. Son has set up a lab where he’s been using stolen limbs from amputees to perfect his serum, some magical concoction that is supposed to allow transplanted limbs and organs to play nice with one another. In several failed attempts he had managed to graft arms on to his apprentice, only to have them shrivel up into useless claws. His biggest mistake, and the reason he was rushing to the cottage, is the Frankenstein monster he created from all the limbs and organs he’s stolen. When he takes his girl’s head to the house, it’s the serum that allows the head to live in little more than a baking tin full of tomato juice and clamps. It would seem to me that this is a fantastic feat for Science, but what do I know.

Not content with just a head for a fiance, Dr. Son decides to go looking for a replacement. To his benefit this is also the Good Ole Days™ when a trip to the local burlesque show was the place to brought your girl for a romantic date. Or, if you’re single, the burlesque was a great meet up. ‘Cos that’s where all the single ladies were to be found. And if that weren’t enough, the dancers literally fight over you.

When the burlesque doesn’t turn up any winners, and a body beautiful contest only turns up the second best looking body, Dr. Son decides on a pin up model who was disfigured by a former lover, leaving her bitter against all men. By disfigured I mean he mashed some silly puddy on her face, which is easily covered by her hair. A terrible, terrible tragedy.
Blah, blah, blah. Takes her to the cottage. Blah, blah, blah. Slips her a roofie. Blah, blah, blah. Time for surgery. The only thing better than Dr. Son’s Science is his logic. As he’s preparing the body, the head tries to talk him out of his insane plans. Her arguments fall on deaf ears. His retort, “Is it a crime to want to keep you alive? Is it a crime for Science to jump ahead by years?”

UHM? Yes it is, ‘cos you’ve been stealing limbs and body parts for secret experiments and you’re going to kill an innocent girl for her body. But, again, what do I know. I’m not a Scientist.

-Burlesque Show
-Body Perfect Show
-Burlesque Cat Fight
-Bikini Fotoshoot
-Conehead Toxie
-Marble Catching Fire

6.0 out of 10

Check out the trailer for The Brain That Wouldn’t Die

Jan

Comments Off on Dreamscape

Dreamscape

I’ve been having trouble sleeping lately. Normally I’d attribute it to the 2 liters of Monster Energy drink I normally consume while watching schlocky late night cinema, but I’ve been cutting back on that. So now when I finally do fall asleep I have some really weird dreams. One in particular I keep having is where I’m being chased by zombies in a city and when I try to drive away my car will only go 10 mph. Sure it looks like a Lamborghini but drives like a Prius. Then I realize that I actually have the mutant power of Spiderman and used my web slinging ability to climb to the top of the Sears towers. That’s where I discover Oprah Winfrey perched like a vulture in her pants suit gnawing on a chicken leg. It figures Oprah would be the one person to survive the zombie apocalypse. So she gave me keys to a free car and a Oprah book of the month club membership and I go swinging back to down to my car. It all ends when I try to peel out, and I find my tires have been replaced with large sprinkled doughnuts and there’s a monkey dressed as a bellhop in the passengers seat singing Celine Dion songs. That’s when I wake up in a cold sweat. Sure zombies and a benevolent Oprah I can handle, but not monkeys singing “My heart will go on”. Guess I should ease up on the Chinese food before bedtime.

dreamscapeSpeaking of bad dreams. Dennis Quaid plays Alex, a psychic womanizer who uses his gift to predict the future, bet on horses and read girl’s minds. A former associate Dr. Novotny (Max von Sydow) hates seeing him squander his money on effeminate casual wear from the Penny’s catalog and gets him to join his classified government dream project instead. And you know when it’s secret and the government is involved someone is going to die. The military is using psychics to enter people’s dreams all in order to advance military science or in-dream banner ads which ever is more profitable. Alex, when he’s not gallivanting his boney torso around in his Underoos likes to play the saxophone Clinton-style and hit on lab technicians. Jane (Kate Capshaw) plays the queen of the babe lab technicians and works with Alex to sharpen his dream linking skills. They play card games, he reads her mind for a quick lite read and they get right to some train shagging during Jane’s power nap.

dreamscapeAlex starts warming up his dreamcatcher skills through some subconscious marital advising and construction stunt work all leading up to a big snake hunt in some little fat kids head. This was apparently during a time when science didn’t really need a specific purpose. Buddy has been having bad dreams of being stuck in a Tim Burton movie while being pursued by the Boogeyman and it’s been really cutting into his eating time, so Alex plugs his mind into Buddy’s brain and they do battle with a big demonic snake creature who wants to make little buddy into ground round. It’s a sort of Anne Coulter of the subconscious. Buddy succeeds in chopping the creatures head off with a big kill axe while Alex gives it a nice bear hug. I believe Buddy’s been doing a lot of free weights in his spare time.

Meanwhile back in Washington the president has been having nightmares of kids with bad acne jumping out of broom closets while nuclear blasts are going off all around them. The dreams are so bad that the president decides he wants to disarm all the nukes at the next Geneva convention. It’s obviously a plot by bunch of commies, so they must be destroyed, and the president is rushed into the dream institute to have him studied to end this horrible threat. The military dream program is headed up by Bob Blair. One of the most politically evil character’s ever to wear a polyester suit and yet they named him Bob. “Oh no!…tremble before the fear of…. Bob!” But Christopher Plummer can just ooze evil out of any character even if you stuck him in a Barney suit he’d still make children cry. Bob also has a hit squad in rented suits ready to run over phone booths on a moments notice, and his own pet psycho psychic, Tommy played perfectly by David Pat Kelly. Tommy enjoys stuffing his face with food while harassing Alex about whose the better dream-linker, and when he’s really bored he kills patients “Just for the kicks man.” Bob doesn’t want the military machine to stop churning out nukes, so he hires Tommy to try to dream assassinate the president at nap time.

dreamscapeAlex discovers the assassination plot thanks to the cunning investigative reporting by Norm from Cheers but then gets rick rolled out of a moving car before he can get the news back to Dr. Novotny whose already been killed by Bob’s goon squad. There’s a motorcycle road race and Alex gets chased down by Lincoln Continentals at the race tracks narrowly escaping into the back of a horse trailer. That’s a lot of horses a** for one trailer. Alex works his way back to the institute just in time to remote link up with the president who is dreaming he’s on a Amtrak in Hell, next stop downtown Armagedonville. They fight subway zombies, ninjas, and radioactive wolf-beasts while being pursued by Tommy who just impaled the train conductor with freddy fingers and turned into a giant Snakeman. I had that exact same dream once but I was in high school and I was in my underwear. Oh wait… maybe that wasn’t a dream.

Dreamscape’s a pretty fun little 80’s flick with big nods to influencing Wes Craven’s Nightmare on Elm St., complete with a bad guy sporting Freddyish finger blades, and a giant nightmarish snake creature. I saw this movie when I was 10 years old and back then the Snakeman scared the heck out of me, but this time around I found it rather goofy. Dennis Quaid without a shirt was the most horrifying thing about it. Retroman Steve says check it and be sure to not eat Chinese food before bedtime.


– 1 motorcycle chase with crash and bale
– 2 nuclear explosions
– 2 Snakemen
– Multiple radioactive mutants
– Norm from Cheers cameo
– Steel beam circus acts
– Train shaggin’
– Emergency heart removal
– Lee press on Freddy nails
– Numchuck chucking
– Mutant dogs

7.1 out of 10

“it’s Dennis Quaid-tastic”

Check out the trailer for Dreamscape

Dec

Comments Off on Hardware

Hardware
I was hooking up some new speakers the other night to my pristine 1975 Pioneer amplifiers. Yeah I know your jealous. I was looking forward to a few hours of Skynard’s greatest hits dulling my senses with a freshly made Hot Pockets and Schnapps but all I got out of the speakers was a screeching high pitched squeal. It was sort of a cross between Fran Drescher and a howling spider monkey only less pleasant. So I got behind the stereo with a flashlight and a pair of rusty pliers to check my wiring finally tracing the problem to my vintage CD player. I “jerry-rigged” it with some old RCA cables covered in duct tape a few years back and somehow the player had gone from normal spin to warp death speed and was now creating the banshee howl. The one side benefit is I could listen to all of “Free Bird” in under 4 seconds or saw some fresh timber. I fiddled around with the wire mess, unplugged and replugged connectors and eventually just banged on the amplifier a few times. I imagine it’s sorta like watching a drunk orangutan try to solve a Rubik’s Cube but amazingly the banging worked and Skynard was rockin’ once again. Years of technological expertise  culminating in simply employing the Fonzi method. Now if you’ll excuse me it’s time to dust off that Packard Bell PC sitting in my attic. There’s a copy of Windows Vista just itching to get installed on it. I’m sure nothing could go wrong.

hardwareSpeaking of evil technology, Dylan “pre-law” McDermott takes on a jacked up toaster oven in 1990’s cult classic  “Hardware.” Dylan plays “Moses” a soldier on leave in post apocalyptic America, a big desert now thanks to radioactivity full of scavengers and disgruntled taxi drivers and Tusken Raiders. Moses or Mo’ as his burning bush pal like to call him buys some used robot parts off an Outlander while visiting a dwarf junk dealer in a cave (I’ve had that dream once). Mo gives the scrap metal to his artist ex-girlfriend Jill in uptown, mostly just for him just being a schmuck. Nothing says love and please forgive me like the disembodied head of a killer robot. She gives it a Andy Warhol makeover and hangs it on her wall thanking him with some late night shagging. All that whoo-hooing give the robot sculpture enough time to boot up and build itself a cyborg body of killing complete with optional craftsman saw blades and toxic LSD injectors (action McDermott sold separately.)  Mo meanwhile has secretly taken off for the battlefield yet again leaving Jill alone to fight this psychotic Cuisinart. You can really see why she loves him so.

Her peeping Tom neighbor a big slob of a man whose been sweating grease all night while oogling her through infrared binoculars shows up at her door. He tries out his best sleazy pick up lines only to get a howdy hey from the killbot in the form of a giant robo-drill to his belly. With all that deep fat drillin’ there’s just enough time for Jill to hide in her giant walk in freezer away from the robots standard issued heat sensors. “Quick throw the turkey pot pies at it! That’ll stop him!”

Meanwhile back on the battlefield, Mo learns that his gift is actually a killer robot named Mark 13 (Marky Mark for short) built by the government to eradicate humanity through toxic LSD injections. It’s the gift keeps on giving perfect for that special ex in your life. Mo’ frantically heads back to her apartment and calls his drugged out Buddha buddy to try stop this terminator poser. It’s like sending one armed man to a clapping contest, he can’t even figure out how to get pass the apartment’s door security. Mo arrives on the scene while his buddy cowers near the doorstop just in time to blow a couple shot gun slugs into the robot’s chest. The blast causes it to tumble out the window and it pulls Jill along for the ride crashing her down onto a Chinese family dinner below. Because if the fall don’t kill ya the MSG will.

hardwareMo distracted by his girlfriend acrobatics gets shot-up by the robot’s finger syringes and dies in one of the longest tripped out MTV styled death montages ever put to film. His only lasting legacy…perfect hair and nice teeth. Really I think she was doing better before he showed up again. The neighborhood watch patrol in goalie safety gear finally arrive but just end up being more meat for the meat grinder. They get sliced, chopped and shot, It’s like the 3 stooges started a neighborhood association. Jill once again is left alone to fight the seemingly indestructible robot and there’s not a single Austrian actor turned governor in sight anywhere as she gets cornered in with Marky Mark 13 in the shower. What follows is one of the weakest battle finales since Saved by the Bell’s “Screech” fought Danny Bonaduce in celebrity boxing. Turns out the Mark 13 had poor insulation and is susceptible to water. “so sorry the robot apocalypse has been canceled due to rain.” So the robot shorts out in the shower…and Jill is left with a hefty deposit to pay on her demolished apartment.

At least we get treated to some trippy camera work, infrared gazongas, and a rockin’ soundtrack. It just goes to show you can make a movie people will still watch without much of anything really happening you just gotta do it with style!!!! *jazz hands*

Retroman says check it out only if you need to see a killer robot movie that doesn’t have a screaming Christian Bale in it. Just remember to keep your severed robot heads away from children and pets as it may lead to hallucination, injury or possible death.


– 1 self building kill-bot
– 2 breasts (infrared)
– Peeping tom slob-o-vision
– Infra-red red head
– Dwarf tossin’
– Head drillin’
– Exploding kitchens
– Door crushin’
– Arm carvin’
– Bed carvin’
– Extreme McDermott

2.7 out of 10

“what if Johnny 5 was pure evil and tried to kill Ally Sheedy and Steve Guttenberg? Now there’s a killer robot movie worth seeing.”

Check out the trailer for Hardware

Jul

Comments Off on Chopping Mall

chopping mall

I really hate shopping….no let me rephrase that, I would actually prefer to have my toenails removed with  rusty pliers while rabid raccoons chewed through my stomach lining than go shopping. It’s no secret that dragging me to the mall is akin to taking a 5 year old to a masochistic dentist. It’s always the same, there’s a lot of leg kicking and uncontrollable sobbing until someone gives me a sticker and a toothbrush. It may be the fear of being confined in a small place or feeling woozy from the combined smells of the nail saloon and the nearby roasted almond stand, but I can’t get out of their quick enough. chopping mall
Women on the other hand view the act of shopping as an endurance sports that they need to train for year round constantly perusing all the stores for deals on hundreds of already over priced items. I’d ask me wife as she’s heading out the door “Well what are you getting at the mall?” she’d just wave and reassure me “oh, nothing just looking.” Later she’d return with a truck load of shopping bags full of decoupage and scrap booking supplies and now pulling an additional U-haul trailer filled to the brim with purses and shoes. “Honey, I didn’t have enough room so I had to put some items on layaway.”

When a man goes to the store we get what we need and leave immediately. No standing around, no chit-chat, and avoiding seeing anything we don’t have to. It’s almost the same etiquette for public bathrooms. It’s nice how our Neanderthal brains keep things simple like that. If it wasn’t for the invention of the remote control we’d probably still be hunting out of caves and peeing on shrubs to mark our territory. In the meantime to pay for the wife’s shopping excursions I guess I can always donate some more plasma. I’m sure I can make a good chunk of change before I get woozy and pass out.

Speaking of extreme shopping survival, robot killers are on the loose in the mall and they aren’t there for the sidewalk sales. This is the movie “Paul Bart: Mall Cop” should have been. In fact, I think if you add killer robots to any movie it can increase it’s entertainment value by a factor of 5 or 6 depending on how goofy the robots look. What I wouldn’t have give  to see a cyborg toss Matthew McConaughey into a pool of lava a few times.

In the film Chopping Mall apparently shopping mall crime is rampant across the country. Kids shoplifting banana clips and wayfarer sunglasses at an alarming rate or killing each other in the parking lots over swatch watches and members only jackets. Oh the humanity! So a new line of defense is needed that doesn’t require doughnut breaks. A new line of defense in the form of hi-tech robots stocked with death lasers, c4, torch cutters and Tasers that can take down a horse. Is it even legal to electrocute shoplifters? Sure It seems a bit excessive firepower for mall crimes, but it would be a great deterrent knowing you could have your head blown off at any moment for pocketing that friendship bracelet.

Just as this new security line of roving hi-tech garbage cans is set do go online at midnight, a group of teens decide to hide out and throw a party at a department store to partake in dirty dancing, debauchery and anything else that generally goes on in a Sears Roebuck.Chopping Mall

I was already a bit leary of robots running around a mall with early versions of Windows coursing through their circuits, but then their central computer that was strategically placed on the roof gets zapped by a freak lightening storm. (Always be sure to install lightening rods with your rooftop computer.) The robots circuits get scrambled but instead of doing lame impressions and hanging out Steve Guttenberg and Ally Sheedy they electrocute janitors and hunt down frizzy haired teenagers. See, I already like them better than Wall-e.

The teens are automatically locked in the mall until dawn so it gives them plenty of time to drink Slurpees, eat burritos, and stock up on semi automatics from the local artillery boutique. Some of the others get stuck in the air ducts from eating one too many corn dogs then get the smack down from a few of the bots including a golf cart electrocution and accidental bimbo barbecue. I’m not sure why so many of these kids get so easily wiped out by these hunks of tin since they’re about as intimidating as a busted garbage disposal. B-movie rules still apply though as the nerdy girl and geeky guy become the tag team heroes taking on the killbots with road flares and propane tanks. Suffice to say you should always try to hang close to the nerds to better your chances for survival.

This Roger Corman produced film was directed and written by Jim Wynorski and was first released under the title “Killbots” but bombed at the box office so was quickly re-released as “Chopping Mall” given repeat viewer whiplash. There’s also quite a few cameos included Paul Barel and Mary Woronov of “Rock N’ Roll Highschool” fame as well as Kelli Maroney who is best known for her work in “Night of the Comet” another classic b-movie flick. Also look for a quick cameo from Rodney Eastman of A Nightmare Elm St. fame who plays an uncredited shoplifter. Disappointingly his head was not incinerated by one of the rogue bots but he does drown in his own waterbed in Elm St. 4 so you can always rent that instead. This was a pretty decent b-movie that oozes the 1980’s and may make you second guess your toaster oven. Retroman says check it out and watch out for early mornin’ mall walkers.

– 2 Electrocutions
– 1 Exploding bimbo head
– 1 Flaming Barbara Crampton
– Robot choke hold
– Extreme gum chewing
– Grappling hook impalement
– Mall free form diving
– Propane grenades
– Paint can fu
– Laser fu
– Golf cart robot showdowns

7.9 out of 10

Check out the trailer for Chopping Mall

Jul

posted by admin | July 3, 2009 | 70's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Sci-Fi, Uncategorized

Comments Off on Empire of the Ants

In a recent BBC article It’s been discovered that a our littlest friends under our feet, the Argentine ant, is actually part of a vast mega colony that has already colonized much of our planet. Scary? yes… and maybe the largest species that could even rival humans in their population scale but with less strip malls and urban sprawl. These ants were once only native to south America (hence the Brazilian waxed thoraxes) and now cover every continent by hitching a ride on our shoes…well everywhere except ANTartica. They figured with a name like that it was already spoken for. Faced with this news of impeding insect invasion, I just want to take this moment to welcome our benevolent insect overlords and offer my services in managing diabetic worker slaves in the vast sugar factories. Let’s just try to forget my younger years involving a magnifying glass on a sunny day or that ant farm I accidentally flooded with radiator fluid.

empire of the antsSpeaking of mutant ants taking over the world, “Empire of the Ants” leads us to believe that not only can radioactive waste cause insects to grow to the size of Volkswagons but they can also setup thriving sugar based economies, run factories, and managed cheap labor forces. All this in a single day.

Joan Collins takes a break from crappy TV shows to play a unscrupulous land developer, Marilyn Fryser. She’s trying to sell island real estate to clueless Floridians in leisure suits. Little do they know one of the island perks is scenic sunset views of radioactive barrels of toxic waste washing ashore right where the ants like to sunbath. The typical poorly sealed nuclear storage containers start leaking silver paint all over the ants and suddenly BAMMM! gigantus insectus among-us making picnic runs on Marilyn’s clients.

After discovering some dead construction workers covered in Smuckers raspberry jam the remaining customers decide to hightail it outta there as fast as their golf cart tour bus can carry them. Easily exceeding speeds of 10 mph they finally arrive back at the beach to find their tour boat getting antified. Dan, our grizzly faced boat captain swims out to try to save his precious scooner but the ants gives him the smack down. In a Gilligan-esque moment he decides to just to blow up the boat instead. The skipper would be proud. Now trapped on the island, rained on, hungry and without any extra eyeliner for Joan Collins they start to head towards the center of the island in hopes of rescue. The very old and very senile couple trailing the group decides it best to go off on their own hiding out in a dilapidated shack. Their last words would be “don’t worry we’ll be safe in here” proving again that old people are among the first to die in any b-movie.

Empire of the antsThe survivors battling their poor sense of direction take a old boat down the river and run into an ant made baricade and have to battle American Gladiator gauntlet style with giant foam ant heads. The cameraman appears to be in the thick of the action because heck if anyone can tell whose landing any punches with all those styrofoam legs flailing around. The boat sinks and they find a creepy old couple living in a barb wired cottage retreat who take them to town (this island must be huge!) They know something’s strange is happening in hicksville with not a Walmart or PigglyWiggly in sight and bets are someone’s been hoarding all the sugar packs too.

Their suspicions are confirmed when they find the towns folk being rounded up and taken to the gigantic sugar factory outside town which are apparently quite prevalent in the Florida everglades. Inside the factory, people are lining up like it’s a carnival ride to get sprayed with a cloud of ant pheromone from a queen ant crammed into a phone booth. This mind control spray makes the victim do whatever the queen asks of them plus it has the side benefit of the fresh scent of Lysol. It’s pretty much like if they went to a Pink Floyd laser show and got a contact buzz. Thankfully Dan fends of the ants and towns folk with a road flare and his extreme grizzliness then loads up the last of the survivors onto yet another boat ready to get lost again in the swamp. Hey the guy really likes boats can ya dig? I think the factory blew up too at some point but they ran out of budget…it’s mostly implied by a guy driving aimlessly around in a fuel tanker and then there’s a grease fire and some flaming ant footage.

I was surprised at the low level special effects this movie utilized for a 70’s monster film. I’d swear it was a 1950’s sci-fi movie if it wasn’t for the eye piercing leisure suits and feathered hairdos. Lots of split screens between the actors and ants, toy models with ants trying to climb the painted back drop, and styrofoam props make the effects on par with a Gamera film. The most redeeming quality of this movie is seeing Joan Collins impaled by a giant queen ant after getting her brain zapped. “That’s for making us endure Dallas..see ya in hell!”  “Empire of the Ants” is cheesy little b-flick that just goes to show you can make a movie without the need for acting, special effects or even a plot getting in the way.

-Extreme leisure-suits
-Nuclear waste in a can
-Joan Collins fu
-Fraudulent resort tours
-Paddle fu
-Ant smoke contact buzz
-Road flair phone booth attacks
-Giant styrofoam ants
-Exploding sugar shacks
-Kaleidoscope ant vision
-Redneck mind control

I give it a 7.3 out of 10..but that’s only because the ants are watching me… right now….listening to my thoughts.

Check out the trailer for Empire of the Ants

About the Highway

Lost Highway is your satirical detour down the twisted back roads of b-movies and cult films reviews. learn more >>