Archive for the 'Sci-Fi' Category

Dec

posted by admin | December 2, 2007 | 80's movies, Action, Sci-Fi

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Road Warriors

“Make any sudden moves and you’ll get an arrow straight through your thunderdome.”

What is the appeal of NASCAR? I’ve watched it a few times on tv and will wake up for the occasional wall smash or mid lane collision. But overall it’s watching cars go endlessly around in circles all at about the same numbing pace. Like a marching band parade at 200 mph. Where’s Rusty Wheeler yelling to his pit crew”Rubbin’s is racing!” and slamming into another car into the outside wall at 200 mph all the while an 80’s soundtrack blares in the background. Days of Thunder this ain’t. Nope Instead I get to be treated to the views of beer bellied fans with the number 31 painted on their tools sheds while they sit on top of their big RV’s scratching themselves. Is that a stereotype of Nascar fans…no it’s a stereotype of RV drivers.

In The Road Warrior, the racing is much more interesting with no spectators and the stakes are your life for gasoline. At $3.25 per gallon I can see why people even today might consider running that Humvee off the road and siphon off it’s fuel supply, but in post apocalyptic Australia it’s purely a matter of survival. Mel “Catholic to the extreme” Gilbson plays The Road Warrior. A man whose lost everything and now travels the desolate highways scavaging for food and gasoline for his muscle car. Not a Speedway or Arby’s in sight he comes across a booby trapped homemade helicopter instead. After a brief stint with a rattle snake and a bad toothed Brit he learns about a nearby operational oil refinery where he could stock up on supplies.

Mel takes the Monty Python wanna-be hostage to track down the oil refinery but finds that it’s also being stalked by a crazy gang of outlander barbarians who want to take the refinery for their own. Lead by a balding muscleman in a hockey mask, they continue to attack the barricaded compound while he spouts his keen observations through a mega phone. It’s sorta like a muscle car truck rally without the high ticket prices.

Mel eventually makes a deal with the leader of the compound to help them all escape to a tropical paradise and with the help of a small furry midget boy who has a striking resemblance to Bam-bam from the  Flintstones,  he hauls the fuel tanker out with a beat up old semi truck. Ehat ensues could be one of the best post apocalyptic car chases and semi truck fight scenes ever….ok it might just be the only one but still a lot of fun to watch. What struck me odd was the fact that the people defended this compound with a flamethrower and a seemingly endless supplies of bows and arrows. Did someone lose all the guns? At least they had a good supply of used football equipment to use for costumes.

Definitely one to watch again if you haven’t seen it for a while. Sad to say I haven’t seen the original Mad Max but plan to now that I’ve experience the greatness of the Road Warrior….and yes I’ve seen Thunderdome..all I got to say to that is “Big wheels keep on turnin’ …turnin’…”


Keep an eye out for…

– football shoulder pads of the apocalypse
– Bad British dental care
– dog food gourmet
– sharp shooter hockey players of wastelands
– bommer-rang Ginsu knives
– Bam-Bam from the Flintstones
– Armageddon archery club

Fortunately Mel Gibson wasn’t drinking when filming Road Warrior. Nothing worse than getting pulled over after the apocalypse on DUI.

rated 8.9 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for The Road Warrior

Oct

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From Beyond

“Now that’s some ultra spicy chili…I think I’m going to need a Tums.”

Happy Halloween!! Just got back from a brief trick or treating trip with the kids. My daughter got tired and wanted to come home and watch Casper on DVD. A truly terrifying movie if your a cute puppy scared of rainbows. I remember when I was the trick or treating age and we’d go across the whole neighborhood by ourselves and amazingly return in one piece. No chainsaw maniacs chasing us through the woods, no mutants in hockey masks waiting for a spontaneous camping trip…but hey we still had fun. So now we’re working on starting our sugar coma. Amazing how many things you can put sugar in these days and call it edible.

In The cult classic “From Beyond” there’s also plenty of midnight snacking as well though mostly the sucking of people’s brains through their eye sockets but hey that always a nutritional snack between larger meals.

Stuart Gordon returns after making the classic Re-animator with this lesser known yet just as weird and twisted horror film. Dr. Pretorious (Ted Sorel) and his assistant, Dr. Tillinghast (Jeffery Combs), are working in an old mansion on a experiment with sound tones that will allow them to enter a new alternate reality. They do this by stimulating the pineal gland of the human brain with giant tuning forks. Besides giving them major headaches and making dogs twitch they can see the alternate reality inhabited by giant jelly fish and mutant lampreys.

Dr Pretorious is beheaded by a unseen netherworld creature and the cops blame Crawford. Because he obviously bit the head off and hid it somewhere. Locked away in a mental institute to practice his big line about biting off ginger bread heads, he’s soon let go by a young phsychologists played by Barbara Crampton who wants to study the doctor’s experiment. Along with Buford ‘Bubba’ Brownlee (wow could they come up with a more racist name?) they travel back to the house to start up the old hoover tuning fork.

The alternate reality has weird side consequences though as it turns the Physcologist, Katherine McMichaels, into a nymophomaniac dominatrix and cause Crawford to sprout a third eye appendage out of his forehead with built in predator infrared vision. I believe the sound of Kenny G. will have similar effects if played at the right pitch.

Within the alternate reality they soon discover that that Dr. Pretorious is not only alive and has regained his cranial region but is also apparently made of silly putty and can now take weird demon forms and of course has the ability the copy newspaper comics by laying on them. This new super-uber evil Doctor wants to eat their brains for the ultimate sensory experience much like a trip to Denny’s at 3 in the morning. Soon Crawford’s pineal gland pops out his forehead and leads him around town as he sucks out people’s brains through their eyeball sockets! Wow! if you gotta die that’s one of the worse ways of going. You’d think it would be tough to suck out a eyeball though…thick milkshakes are tough through a straw but an whole eyeball…that would be even more a challenge. I’m sure you’ll see it on Fear Factor.

Anyways it all comes down to a big battle in the mansion as the alternate reality spreads throughout the home creating all sorts of nasty creatures covered in goo in every room. Bubba gets eaten by ravenous flies while trying to save his friends only to utter the words…”urgh….gg…..gghjagr..tfttt”. We’ll always remember that Bubba, your kind words of wisdom.
Definitely a must see horror movie especially if you enjoyed the Re-animator series or area fan of HP Lovecraft since this film is based on one his short stories. Have a wonderful Halloween and remember to check under your bed tonight for anything that might eat your brain.

Keep a third eye out for…

– alternate reality tape worms
– nymphomaniac psychologists
– flesh eating mutant fly swarms
– the rapid hair removal monster method
– skull socket brain sucking and brain munching
– thermo-vision, brain seeking pituitary glands (predator vision)
– spontaneous self fixing electrical lines
– tuning forks of doom

Great now we’ll get spam for Viagra treatments for Pineal Glands “Not feeling like eating brains like you used to…try our new Piagra!”

rated 9.2 out of 10 for the movie

From Beyond From Beyond T-shirts available from Fright Rags

At Fright Rags you can get this high quality horror shirt you can’t find anywhere else. Fright Rags has the best selection of horror shirts based on your favorite cult classics, creature features, and slasher flicks! Check out the From Beyond T-shirts

Check out the trailer for The Beyond…love the last line “Bite off his head like a gingerbread man” Do Gingerbreads go around biting off people’s heads?

Sep

posted by admin | September 28, 2007 | 70's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Comedy, Sci-Fi

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StarCrash

“Why would someone put the toilet in the middle of the living room?”

I’ve endured the pain of Gymkata, suffered the Nilbog torture of Troll 2, suffered the tons of farm manure shoveled out by Manos the Hands of Fate. But I could never wish the deep hurting that the movie Starcrash rained down on me. Like getting hit in the gut with a sledge hammer just before you’re pushed off a cliff into a pit of rusted Cadillacs, this movie will make you beg for the excitement of waiting in line at a bank or watching c-span after downing a bottle of Benadryl. I am still suffering post traumatic shock disorder from this movie. I close my eyes and still see the people swimming in space.

Stella Star is a space smuggler super model with a fetish for wearing black leather space bikini’s when fighting evil. Her Playboy profile would read something like “enjoys longs swims in outerspace, prefers men that are bulky robots, turns offs are evil minions, cavemen, PMS-ing giant robot women, and snow.”

I would try to summarize a plot to this film but as far as I could tell there really wasn’t one. It would have just gotten in the way anyways. Stella along with her faithful robot companion Akton, named after a failed diet plan, are fleeing the space police in their goofy looking space cruiser. Maybe they’re just out to replace the giant Christmas bulbs that makeup the background space scenes. Akton has the uncanny ability to make Pink Floyd light shows in his hand for his own amusement and can even see into the near future but most of the time it’s seemingly random irrelevant information. It would be like having the ability of predicting what’s for dinner or when the mail is coming. Not exactly hero worthy.

Stella ends up on a prison planet hauling giant glowing beach balls while working out in her favorite bikini. The beach balls are supposedly powering the prison though they should have just harvested the power of the various perms adorning the actors throughout the film. It’s a little known fact that perms were a major power source in the 1970’s. Each strain of hair is a elaborate network of solar cells creating a vast network of….oh wait I’m having another Starcrash flashback.

Stella escapes and with her other robot boy-toy Elle, who looks to have been hastily assembled with used pinball machine parts and a free-range oven. They decide to explore an ice planet together when their ship is sabotaged by a green Spock wanna-be so they end up frozen like cryogenic TV dinners. But Elle holds Stella’s hand and miraculously that keeps her all warm and fuzzy inside preserved like a galactic pop-tart.

The movie could end right there but unfortunately they are thawed later back on the ship with only a hint of freezer burn. On yet another planet they battle against a giant nippled girl robot who looks liked it was hastily put together by a 9 year old kid with a roll of tinfoil and duct tape. They’re also attacked by some wild woman of Womba who fall down easily via a standard karate chop to the neck. This just happens to be a the only defense move Stella has so they easily escape. Suddenly Christopher Plummer shows up as the galactic emperor and freezes time. What the heck is Christopher Plummer doing in this movie anyways? He must have had some mob debts to pay off.

They finally get the help of a prince played by David Hasselhoff before his Knight Ridder days and before he didn’t need to suck in his gut for Baywatch sand running. David helps fight off attacking cavemen with a mask that shoots powerful laser beams out it’s eye holes. David is relegated to the backup hero role while Akton fights off robots with a light saber or to be constantly out acted by his permed hair

There’s also an evil Count Zartan based loosely on Darth Vadar, if Darth Vadar was a small creepy bipolar Latino with greased pointy hair who can’t stop yelling “KILL THEM!!!” Count Zartan intends to take over the universe via a super secret weapon that drives people insane from giant lava lamps special effects. He accomplishes this all from his fortress of kung-fu grip which is shaped like a giant hand. I was almost expecting the fortress to flip me the finger but that probably would have blown the rest of the $6.00 budget.

There’s a big space battle royal with lots of looping film footage and firework explosions. In case you never seen a spaceship launch before, the director is more than happy to show it you a dozen or so times over and over again. Laser blasts a pletny, model kits on fire, light saber duals and poorly balanced robot guards round out the film. And just when you think you’ve seen it all you geet torpedoes packed with imperial soldiers launched at the evil count’s base ship! A failed military tactic if I ever saw one.

Really this movie has to be seen to be believed. Definitely entertaining and purely awful. A so bad it’s good experience like fizz candy and Coca -Cola mixed together. Sure you’ll get a sugar buzz out of it but your stomach might explode.

Keep an eye out for…
– attack by lava lamp
– space swimming
– giant radium gumballs
– Hasselhoff hair
– giant robot nipples
– torpedoes stuffed with soldiers (wtih a side of salsa)
– redneck robots built like a GE oven.
– Christmas tree lights based galaxies
– Spaceships made of old model kit parts and household utensils

“Please Don’t Hassel the Hoff!”

rated 8.0 out of 10 for the movie

Check out this clip from Starcrash

Sep

posted by admin | September 2, 2007 | 80's movies, Action, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Sci-Fi

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Trancers

“I’m thinking about having my shoulders lengthened. Any problems with narrow doorways?”

In the future when I regain consciousness from my cryo-freezing I’ll easily tell how long I’ve been asleep simply by the size of the shoulder pads people are wearing around me. Seems movies in the 1980’s denoted the future by making everything bigger…bigger hair, bigger cars, brighter neon lights, and huge shoulder pads. The movie Trancers supports my theory.

Jack Deth played by Tim Thomerson is a cop in the future who is tracking an evil crimelord known as Whistler in the remains of Los Angeles after the big quake. Whistler while not exactly sounding like an evil mastermind has the power to convert people into zombie creatures known as Trancers much like the power of an Amway pep rally.

Whistler had transferred his consciousness back to the 1980’s rent-a-cop to kill the ancestor’s of the leaders of the future so he can return and gain control of the city. You can almost hear James Cameron’s lawyer’s warming up their typewriters. Jack is enlisted by the government to get sent back in time to track down Whistler and bring him back to stand trial before he kills all of the line-back inspired fashion leaders of the future.

Jack wakes up in one of his own distant relatives who happens to be dating Helen Hunt and amazingly he’s not turned into Paul Reiser. After defeating a trancified Santa Claus at local mall Helen’s character, Leena reluctantly join Jack on his quest to save future LA. I think if she had seen how lame the future gets, she might have changed her mind. Jack is packin’ heat, wearing raincoats in 90 degree weather, and is equipped with a watch that can freeze time for 10 seconds which also gives the director the added benefit of padding the film. He also can magically make his car stay in the very center of the road while he swings the steering wheel around like a drunk sailor navigating a storm (see video clip sample below.)

Unfortunately the targeted ancestors are getting picked off left and right while Jack is side tracked by Leena who takes him on scooter rides through geriatric apartments, or to punk rave parties, and near death tanning/surf parties. They also end up kidnapping homeless unemployed baseball players and forcing them to take showers. It must be a L.A. thing.

This movie inspired 5 sequels which is an amazing feat of direct-to-video magic even for Full Moon Entertainment whose motto is “we skip the theaters and pass the crap directly onto you.” I say check it and watch out for that crazy looking dude with bad skin sitting across from you. He could be a Trancer…or he just wants to sign you up with Amway. It’s hard to tell the difference.

Keep an eye out for…
– shoulder pads of THE FUTURE!
– middle aged punk ravers
– Santas gone wild
– flame broil settings for tanning booths
– scooter kung-fu
– gratuitous use of neon lights
– drunk underground baseball games
– loose steering convertibles

“the new Trance-o-matic, it dice, it slices, it can make it’s own direct to video sequels.”

rated 6.8 out of 10 for the movie

Check out this amazing clip from “Trancers”

Jul

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Deepstar Six

“Dead Lobster, For the sea food killer in you”

I think the most prevalent signs of the apocalypse happened back in the 80’s. Reganomics, the band Wham!, and the sudden occurrence of a multitude of underwater monster movies including the Abyss, Leviathan, and this seafood disaster called DeepStar Six.

Greg Evigan plays “no first name” McBride, a scraggly lumber jack navy pilot waiting to get out from deep sea duty to return topside for some well deserved McRest. Yes the same Greg Evigan from the horrifying tv show “My Two Dads.” I believe that show was canceled right after “Alf” thankfully.

McBride is a part of a group of underwater military rejects including a Amish looking porn peddler, a Russian scientist cranked up on Red Bulls, and resident scientist babe Nia Peebles who appears to have stumbled onto the wrong movie set by accident.

The story revolves around a poorly planned deep sea missile base the underwater team is supposed to setup on the sea floor but discover an ancient cavern instead. In the tradition of other film’s underwater caverns you always get a malevolent mutant sea creature thrown in for free. So get your bibs and shell hammers ready because there’s not enough butter to stop this lobster mutant.

The crazy crustacean attacks submarines, swims faster than a missile and infiltrates the DeepStar Six base via chomping on canned spam victims and a quick snack of Ms. fruity Peebles. The remaining survivors, which unfortunately includes Mr. Evigan, load up on their stock piles of shotguns and co2 tipped spears to take on Mr. Crabs now blocking their way to freedom.

A lot of the characters are cheaply killed off through a series of accidents mostly due to a weasely character named Snyder who trips into people with co2 canister tipped spears and accidentally detonates nearby nuclear bombs. Snyder freaks out and tries to get to the surface in an emergency escape pod before he should properly decompress….
pop goes the weasel.

The remaining survivors must battle the monster while figuring out a way to escape to the surface before the base has it’s own nuclear meltdown or they run out of air. Can the movie budget handle all of this?

This film wasn’t as great as I remember when I saw it in my local theater as a teenager. With very little plot and gallons of of water, it’s directed by the same guy that brought us Friday the 13th so I had hopes that a hockey masked scuba diver would arrive on a submarine and clean house. That would have made the movie more interesting and maybe now I wouldn’t have such a craving for buttery lobster. I say check it out and order a side of shrimp.

Keep an eye out for…
– underwater door crushing
– scuba diver chomping
– 2 accidental underwater nuclear explosions
– death by jiffy-pop de-compression
– emergency CPR (Crustacean Pulminary Resuscitation)
– pool party strobe lights
– lobster harpooning
– explosive c02 spear to the chest

“This movie defines deep sea doodie”

rated 6.7 out of 10 for the movie

Learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out this riveting clip from DeepStar Six. Snyder’s response at the end is priceless.

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