Archive for the 'Sci-Fi' Category

Feb

posted by Doktor | February 26, 2014 | 80's b-movies, 80's movies, Action, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Review by Doktor, Sci-Fi

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Tagline: Mandroid. Mercenary. Scientist. Ninja. Each one a specialist. Together they are ELIMINATORS!

Year: 1986 Runtime: 96 min

Director: Peter Manoogian

Writer: Paul De Meo, Danny Bilson

Starring: Andrew Prine, Denise Crosby, Patrick Reynolds

Current scientific theory states that the whole is greater than the sum of it’s parts. This is a banal axiom by itself. However, it is an interesting thesis when one asks: how does this paradigm work when the constituent parts are comprised of zeros. Ah, ha! Finally, a truly great question, relevant to our lives today. The answer? You get an order of magnitude diddly-squat. Enter the Eliminators:

  • An Eeyore cyborg
  • Tasha Yar
  • An owl robot thingie
  • A scoundrel river bum
  • A Ninja

Take this eclectic crew and mix them all together in an After School Special, spice, to taste, with some Romans, a mad scientist, and some Neanderthals, and you have 90 minutes of hernia rupturing fun. Actually, After School Special doesn’t quite capture the ambiance. Eliminators is more like an episode of G.I. Joe: laser burlets flung every which way, vehicles crashing, explosions, and yet no one dies.

I should probably mention that this is a Charles Band film. Just so we’re clear.

Eliminators is the story of a man, John Doe, who is unwillingly transformed into Mandroid (think Borg + Robocop on a $13 budget) after his plane crashes in an uncharted Mexican jungle. The evil genius behind John’s alteration is Dr. Reeves, a mad scientist with a face like a waffle iron and a penchant for ancient Rome. Oh, and he has a time machine. Mandroid is sent back through time to insure the machine works. Upon completing his mission, despite all the money, time, and accessories built for him, Reeves orders his assistant, Takada, to dismantle Mandroid. Apparently Reeves learned all he knew about life from the Senate Committee on Appropriations.

Takada, having a conscience, helps Mandroid to escape, which, of course, costs him his life. Mandroid snaps on his gratuitous Mobile Unit, worthless tank treads Mandroid plugs his top half into Centaur style, and proceeds to race out of the compound at motorized shopping cart speeds. As no one can shoot, even when armed with rifles with ridiculous scopes, he only takes a burlet  to the head. Falling within the G.I. Joe violence quotient, the head shot merely ruins some of his memory chips, rendering him only slightly more efficacious than an amnesiac. Something which, by this point in the movie, I would have gladly welcomed—either the amnesia or a head shot.

Mandroid seeks out Colonel Hunter (Tasha Yar) to inform her of Reeves’ evil deeds (read: muwhahaha). Hunter is a computer/robotics/science geek who works at a lab funded by Reeves. She wears lab coats and builds things like the Mandroid armor and S.P.O.T. (Search Patrol Operation Tactician), a Rent-a-Center V.I.N.CENT from Blackhole. Seeing her life’s work, i.e. the Mandroid armor as a living/breathing junkyard proof of concept, Hunter volunteers to return with Mandroid to exact revenge.

Hooray, it’s an adventure!

According to their maps, the Mexican jungle is uncharted, and because Mandroid’s memory was literally shot, Hunter has to hire a river guide to get them to the crash site, from which they’ll make their way to Reeves. Here they pick up Harry ‘scoundrel’ Fontana, the Rent-a-Center Han Solo character. There’s a keystone comedy bar fight that’ll send your duodenum into spasms followed by a river chase that’s as riveting as snails nailed in place. All the while our unlikely heroes laugh, love, and finally go their separate ways.

Wha—!

And then they come back together. Yay!

But then Mandroid and S.P.O.T. fall off Fontana’s boat, promptly sinking to the bottom of the river never to be found. Ever. Oh, noes!

And then there were two. Hunter and Fontana press on, only to get captured by Neanderthals.

Wait, what?

Meanwhile Mandroid and S.P.O.T. come sloshing out of the drink, none the worse for wear. They squirt river water from sundry orifices and push on. They promptly run into a Ninja pulling fish from a stream telekinetically.

Sigh.

Really? Neanderthals? Ninja? The Force? If they had a costume or make-up in the storeroom, Charles Band said, “Go for it!”

So… Mandroid learns that Ninja is Takada’s son. With a heavy heart—or diodes, or whatever—Mandroid relates what happened to Ninja’s father. Because he’s a ninja, Ninja vows to get revenge for what Reeves has done. Finally, the team is complete.

Back in the other subplot, Hunter and Fontana have to fight their way out of the clutches of the Neanderthals: smooches are smooched; burlets are thrown in the fire, which is far more effective than shooting them; three or four Neanderthals give chase. Things look bad for Fontana and Hunter…

Duh duh duh!

Thanks to the last minute appearance of Ninja, Mandroid, and S.P.O.T. they escape. Phew. A quick jog, and a jump cut, later the team finds Mandroid’s stashed mobile unit. They bivouac down for the afternoon to assess their supplies, work on a plan, and get a little sun. S.P.O.T. is sent to get a tactical layout of Reeves’ camp.

When S.P.O.T. returns something is amiss. S.P.O.T. is gibbering, which actually is normal but for some reason this gibberish is different. To clear up any confusion, S.P.O.T. starts shooting his sting lasers at everyone. Fearing someone might get hit, and thus suffer the indignity of a slightly uncomfortable pinch, Ninja has to put him down. (One down, four to go!) The smoke from the wreck forms into a hologram of Reeves’ head. Using it’s invisible lungs a vocal cords, Reeves’ disembodied head warns the Eliminators to come no further. Obviously defeated, our heroes resign themselves to life as failures…

But wait! If only Hunter can… cross some wires… a spark of electricity… What’s this?!? The plans for Reeves’ camp on S.P.O.T.’s visor. Good ole S.P.O.T. He came through after all. Hope restored, they spring into action.

The plan calls for Fontana, Hunter, and Ninja penetrate the stronghold via a Rent-a-Center City of Tanis map room. One would think an evil genius’s secret treasure room would be near impossible to get into, much less have it be the weak link in his whole defense, but one only need remember this is a Charles Band film and all worries are quelled. No sooner are they in when they are caught. The Dream Team™ is smooth as grandma’s sandpaper enemas.

Meanwhile, Mandroid sieges the camp at the front gate, calling for Reeves to come out. The gate opens, Mandroid walks in, and is surrounded by Reeves’ goons. “Ha, ha!” Mandroid laughs derisively.  “My friends have already destroyed your computers, your lab, and all your work. It’s over!” (Or something to that effect. I wasn’t paying attention and refuse to watch it again to get the actual quote.)

To which Reeves replies (via a speaker system), “Do you like apples, Mandroid?” Out march the three stooges. “How ‘bout dem apples?” (See previous parenthetical.)

Fail completed!

Uhm, maybe not so much. Well, at least not for the Eliminators. See, Reeves’ minions are nice guys. Rather than killing their prisoners the goons let the Eliminators start kicking butt first. Pew pew pew. Explosion. Pew pew pew. The minions run.

Maniacal laughter. The compound’s front door explodes. Ah, hell. Final Boss Fight!

True to all video games evar, Reeves has transformed. He’s no longer the decrepit,  waffle-faced mad scientist. Now he’s Iron Caesar (i.e. Julius Caesar + Iron Man). Sweet! Naturally his armor and weapons are stronger than Mandroid’s, allowing him to withstand all attacks as he monologues his plan, which is to go back in time to become the ruler of Rome. This raises a couple questions: why is it preferable to be the ruler of ancient Rome than being the ruler of the contemporary world; why did he go back and collect all the treasure? Oh, right, this is a Charles Band movie. No reason other than it’s in the script.

When he finishes his monologue, Iron Caesar blasts Mandroid and captures Fontana, Hunter, and Ninja in a force field. He sets the force field to shrink, cranks the powertronics up to kill, and leaves to get into his time machine. Not quite dead, Mandroid’s last act is to absorb the force field’s energy to release his friends. (Two down, three to go!)

No time for the dust in their eyes, the remaining Eliminators race to stop Iron Caesar. They make it just in time to see his time pod disappear into time. Fontana rakes his hand across a keyboard in frustration at his lack of programming skills. Not that programming skills would have help—sorry, I know, Charles Band movie. Moving on…

Wouldn’t you know it Fontana’s discouraged motion, his anti-programming skills, actually managed to send Iron Caesar back to 400 million B.C. Everyone laughs. The end.

So, returning to the idea of common knowledge, we all know that a thousand monkeys typing will will eventually produce something Shakespearean, right? Well, who knew that one UHM-tard mashing keys can instantly change delicately precise time travel settings? Therefore, coming full circle, I suppose this demonstrates that the whole, arrived from the sum of the parts which themselves are all el zilcho, is 400 million B.C.? Or, to put it in scientific notation: Charles Band Joint.

roadside attractions

  • Wonder what in the hell is going on when the opening credits shows an airplane crash, Romans, and laser burlets!
  • Facepalm when you learn the one Asian character’s son is a Ninja!
  • Marvel at the intense boat chase scene—Harry “scoundrel” Fontana cuts the wheel left and right to loose their pursuers!
  • Delight In Madroid’s mettle as he overcomes his programming with a perfunctory, “No”!
  • Be Amazed by the laser-proof mesh wind screens on the bad guy’s 3 wheelers!
totals

2

blood

BLOOD

White washed Disney fare: a bloody nose, a scraped knee, a nasty hangnail.

1

blood

BREASTS

Denise has a wet tee-shirt moment. You can vaguely make out a nipple.

10

beast

BEASTS

Iron Caesar. I never saw that coming.

4.33 OVERALL
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Watch the trailer for “Eliminators”

trailers

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Feb

Comments Off on Carnosaur 2

Carnosaur 2
1995 – R – New Horizon
83 minutes – Starring John Savage, Cliff De Young – Directed by Louis Morneau

Remember the movie Aliens, that awesome movie about a crew of misfit Colonial Marines that go to a far off planet after communications were lost with them and they battle waves of xenomorphs that bleed acid? Wouldn’t it be great if they remade that, but with dinosaurs? Really cheap ones too! Like, so cheap you’ll laugh until you’re on the floor rolling, holding your ribs in pain, wishing for it to stop. Throw in some one dimensional knock offs of each character and set designs so cheap, it looks like the movie was shot at a children’s carnival spooky house attraction and you have Carnosaur 2! It’s described as a “low budget sequel,” but I think it should have been described as a “much, much lower budget sequel.”

You could argue that the movie doesn’t exactly begin like Aliens, but that it begins like some of the deleted scenes from Aliens, but this is as about as far as the movie stretches its originality. It’s like those scenes with the colonists and Newt with her family. Actually to be fair, the beginning of this film doesn’t rip off Aliens. No, it flat out rips off that other successful James Cameron sequel, Terminator 2. In particular, the scene where John Conner is hacking an ATM machine for money, only here, the Eddie Furlong clone and friend are hacking into some storage unit in an underground super secret mine/lab to steal some dynamite or as this young Keanu Reeves inspired actor puts it, “Industrial strength blammo, dude.” Now I have to ask… why is he stealing it? What the hell is he planning (maybe it would have been better than this movie)? Anyway, the kid’s name is Jesse and his uncle who works for this facility catches them. Rather than being completely shocked as to how they broke in and why they are stealing dynamite, he just sends Jesse’s friend home and scoffs. Leaving work, Uncle Whatever-his-name-is tells Jesse not to wonder off and of course, the little creep does just that (and he has the whole 90’s grunge look to prove he doesn’t care!) only to be offered to drive a forklift for a moment and is told never to press a certain lever because IT OPENS A METAL DOOR WITH 150 FOOT DROP STRAIGHT DOWN. I’m sure this will in no way come back later in the film. Especially not the climax.

c2_2Jesse and his uncle stop at the mess hall for some grub, because it’s cheap to shoot there. We’re introduced to some cook who works there whose purpose is to hear a noise, which he thinks is coyotes. Once outside, he likes to taunt these coyotes we can’t see to provide suspense, when suddenly he hears… that clicking sound the Predator makes? Yeah, it sounds just like it, making for something else this movie rips off. As the poor guy is having his face eaten off, all I can do is sit here and ponder how the filmmakers couldn’t even have enough originality to make a dinosaur sound (hell, the trailer even rips off Jurassic Park sounds). Back inside, the dinosaurs are throwing garbage (why?) in a fit of rage and tossing people around like pro wrestlers.

After a cross dissolve, we see John Savage roll up in a jeep to another unknown location, hungover, no doubt trying to drink away the thoughts of falling not so gracefully since The Deer Hunter. Another character named Monk is introduced with the elegant line of dialogue, “So, I’m hammering this girl…” then proceeds to talk about cheating on his wife like it’s the most casual conversation. I know the intention of the writers was to provide him as comic relief, but if my first reaction is to smash this man’s esophagus, it’s not a good thing. Moving along, we are introduced to our rag tag bunch of Colonial Marines, I mean… Mercs? What are these guys supposed to be anyway? They look like janitors in their one piece, patchless uniforms. Each one of them represents a one dimensional character trait of a Colonial Marine, so when you think of these characters, you’ll be thinking of others characters from another movie. It’s a collection of D-List actors, although the only one I recognize is Miguel A Nunez Jr from Return of the Living Dead And Friday the 13th Part V, making him the only actor I can tolerate on screen. Being the film’s only ethnic person though, he doesn’t seem to have a high survival rate.

c2_3After they are woken up… ’cause they can’t call it hypersleep. This is a more realistic movie, you know… with genetically engineered killer dinosaurs. Anyway, they are debriefed on the situation by this movie’s Paul Reiser, McQuade, a pudgy, frizzled hair guy who’s even dressed like Carter Burke, bubble vest over flannel and all. Well gee, wouldn’t you know it, turns out the company lost communications with the workers inside the secret mine… just kinda like how that other movie lost communications with a planet. With no time to waste, the crew hop in their chopper, but instead of going the homo-bashing helicopter scene from Predator route (which I actually thought they were going to do), they instead play ‘Flight of The Valkyries’ on a boombox, ripping off Apocalypse Now, only here it’s not very good and makes no sense.

Once inside the facility, we get the usual “searching the perimeter” scene, until the stumble upon Newt, I mean Jesse, who is traumatized. After claiming to have searched the facility (although this is literally the only room we see them search), the team thinks they should bail, but McQuade tells them otherwise. They bicker and argue and are about to leave, but for some reason change their minds and stay, which makes the whole ten or so minutes you just sat through with them arguing completely pointless.

c2_4By now, you’re probably catching on to the beat of the movie, especially if you’ve seen Aliens: Setting up a coms room, looking at destroyed architecture, the Newt and Ripley bond… just to stretch out that moment until you finally see the dinosaurs, except when you do eventually get to see them here, it’s like looking at rubber puppets. The dinosaurs start to kill the Mercs, forcing the remaining others to flee like the cowards they are, calling for an immediate evac and this is where the film leaves me in shock. They do a shot for shot remake of the evac crashing scene, but to be honest, they got me. I didn’t see that coming. I thought, “Surely the filmmakers aren’t this lazy and stupid to copy EXACTLY every little scene that happened in Aliens,” but they got me! I was expecting Monk to cite the famous, “Game over, man!” line. So yeah, their obviously toy helicopter being blown up with firecrackers crashes, so they head back inside for the film’s exposition scene where we learn all about the dinosaurs and what McQuade is actually up to. This would have been a shocking reveal if they weren’t obviously ripping off a character from the movie they are ripping off who was revealed to have a secret agenda for the company he worked for. Bottom line, IT’S NOT A SECRET IF IT’S OBVIOUS BECAUSE YOUR AUDIENCE IS AWARE OF WHAT FILM YOU ARE KNOCKING OFF.

No more screwing around, it’s time to escape! Jesse hacks the mainframe (it’s what all kids knew how to do in the 90’s), the team goes off to collect the dynamite, McQuade tries to stop them… I really shouldn’t have to be explaining this. We’ve all seen Aliens. Speaking of, isn’t there a real crucial scene where they discover that the planets reactor is melting down? So how do they do it here? Turns out, this facility was used as a place to store nuclear warheads after the Cold War and the dinosaurs damaged it… you know, because it happened in Aliens, okay!? By now, the curtains are coming to a close and there are only a few scenes left to reenact, so I’m going to finish this up by saying once more, LITERALLY the exact same things that happened in Aliens, happen here. You do get to see the movies only moment of gore, as one of the Mercs gets their arm ripped off and then guts ripped out, so that’s worth at least a couple of rewinds. I should also mention that in place of a Queen Alien, you get a T-Rex, which to be fair, I guess would be the equivalent of that. Oh and take a guess if that forklift and the 150 foot drop make a return…

Carnosaur 2
Wow, there are rip offs, then there are blatant rip off photocopies and Carnosaur 2 goes above and beyond that. It’s so cheap, it even rips off the first movie! This movie makes films by Bruno Mattei look subtle and that guy made a career out of ripping off films. Even for a Roger Corman produced movie this is shameful. I mean, my god… it’s literally Aliens with velocioraptors… and bad acting… and crappy effects, bad music… It’s just bad, but not too unwatchably bad, since it’s worth watching for the unintentional laughs alone. It fun to see what feels like a film student’s reenactment of Aliens as a dinosaur puppet show. Since there isn’t much in the way of boobs or gore, a lot of horror fans will find it hard to sit through, even with the cheese factor going through the roof. This is a film I’m really in the middle of the road about. On one hand, it’s a piss poor excuse of a knockoff, but it’s so incredibly bad, it’s as if it makes you stupid while you watch it, so you can sit through the entire movie. But you know what the worst part is? There are three more entries in the series. We’re all doomed… DOOMED!

Check out this review and plenty others at Goon Reviews.

roadside attractions

  • Do not play a drinking game to this where you take a shot every time it rips off Aliens… you will die!
  • Jesse is if Eddie Furlong and Keanu Reeves had a baby.
  • Janitor Mercs!
  • Attack of the killer toy dinosaurs!
  • Give ’em a hand… or they spilled their guts. I don’t know which joke to go with.
  • Forklift VS. T-Rex is the poor man’s Power loader VS. Queen Alien.
totals

5

blood

BLOOD

The film usually cuts away to splash blood on the wall, but seeing a Merc get their arm torn off was pretty awesome.

0

blood

BREASTS

None boobs or cleavage. Everyone is covered up like it’s a sacred thing.

3

beast

BEASTS

These dinos are about as threatening as the plastic toys they look like. Probably only dangerous to kids 3 and under for swallowing reasons.

2.6 OVERALL
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“Watch the full movie!”

trailers

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Dec

posted by admin | December 10, 2013 | 90's movies, Action, B-movie Reviews, Review by Tiger Sixon, Sci-Fi

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Judge Dredd

In the future, one man is The Law.” That’s the slogan for the Sylvester Stallone crazy train, Judge Dredd. Based on a popular comic book of the same name, Judge Dredd takes places in a future where everything is as nice as a rusty bear trap. The book-learnin’ term is dystopia, but crap-hole works just fine.

Stallone is pretty much RoboCop, if RoboCop was all human, and wore an even crazier metal codpiece (they even wear similar head gear). Stallone acts as judge, jury, and even executioner in Mega-City One—which looks an awful lot like the Mushroom Kingdom in the Super Mario Bros. movie. Stallone doesn’t just fire bullets, nope, he’s got more catch phrases than a Steve Urkel clip show. “I knew you’d say that,” is one, and as would be expected, “I’ll be the judge of that,” and “Court’s adjourned” are others.

But, you gotta enjoy, on some level, any film what opens with a James Earl Jones voice-over. Yep, the voice of Darth Vader/Simba’s Dad reads the opening narration, setting the tone for this here film. Everything sounds cool when James Earl Jones reads it—heck, I’d pay good money to hear him read Twilight cover to cover.

Since Judge Dredd takes place in the future, you see robots, flying motorcycles, and plenty of spandex. A winning combination, or at least my idea of a hot Saturday night. There’s also Rob Schneider, who plays a hacker. Hey, it was the mid-1990s, every movie needed at least one hacker.

Despite the WTF-ness of Judge Dredd, and its wafer-thin connection to the original comic, if features some fun special effects and make-up effects. The animatronic robot is dang cool, and the make-up for a cyborg-cannibal-mutant is out standing. Sure, Judge Dredd ain’t no Demolition Man (and what is, really?) or even Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot, but it has its moments—and most of those moments involve giant robots and spandex.

Tiger says, if you are up for some crazy 1990s sci-fi action, give Judge Dredd a watch.


Tiger Sixon is forced to watch B-movies from the comfort of a secret government base in Death Valley. He looks nothing at all like Daniel J. Hogan (@danieljhogan) who draws the comic Clattertron.

roadside attractions

  • Giant Robots
  • Spandex
  • Flying Motorcycles
  • Stallone Impressions
  • Exploding Buildings
  • Big Guns
  • Mutants
  • Cannibals
  • Recycled Food
  • Metal Codpieces
  • Max von Sydow
totals

5

blood

BLOOD

Lots of gun shootin’, but it ain’t too gory.

0

blood

BREASTS

Everyone is covered up in this here flick. But there’s a James Earl Jones voice over, so it ain’t all bad.

10

beast

BEASTS

Giant robots, killer mutant cyborg cannibals, and other crazy things.

5 OVERALL
dripper
Nov

posted by Doktor | November 23, 2013 | 90's movies, Action, Review by Doktor, Sci-Fi

Comments Off on Alienator

Tagline: In deep space, the deadliest animal is still woman.

Year: 1990 Runtime: 93 min

Director: Fred Olen Ray

Writer: Paul Garson

Starring: Jan-Michael Vincent, John Phillip Law, Ross Hagen

With an opening title of “Amazing Movies Presents” Alienator flaunts it’s quality like sharting your pantaloons while spreading Grey Poupon with pinkies out. And before I go any farther into the movie I need to dissect the tagline, “In deep space, the deadliest animal is still woman.” First, 90% of the movie takes place on Earth. Second, Alienator is a cyborg who only vaguely resembles a woman. In fact, all the ‘roids have made its jaw so hard and square I’m still not sure if it’s a female. Third, and most importantly, since when have women been considered the most deadly animal? Even if I was willing to give the movie some wiggle room here, assuming the maxim “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned,” that might mean women are the deadliest of the sexes. The deadliest animal? In all the worlds of deep space? I think somebody was having problems with his wife, girlfriend, lover (or all three) and didn’t have a dog to kick to blow off steam.

Enough with the Persnickety Priss, on to Alienator proper.

Alienator is a story about a bunch of detestable people who all deserve to die. The inhabitants of this “far-off corner of the galaxy” are unsympathetic arses. The ruler, Baal, is a tyrant. The leader of the rebels, Kol, is a sociopath who kills thousands of innocent people. And then there’s Jan-Michael “Airwolf” Vincent, i.e. Commander of Space Prison. I think Commander—that’s his name, or at least the only thing he’s called—is supposed to be a tough cookie who’s just doing his job, but Vincent plays him like a drunk foster parent with a house full of gingers.

Now I might be confused, and this movie sure doesn’t help clear things up, but aren’t we as viewers supposed to care for someone?

When the universe is full of worthless cretins guess what that means for the efficacy of the corrections system? It’s explosive intestinal rot on a 12+ hour flight nightmare. To put it another way, for a maximum security prison PLANET, this facility sure is easy to escape.

The blame lies squarely on the guards’ shoulders. Why? Because all the prison guards stand on the outside of the guard rails during a prison break/shoot out. The guard rails are there because this is a multi-level structure. I’m not sure how being in the danger zone is advantageous, but I have a theory. It makes for a dramatic death when they fall off. One would assume that not falling to their deaths be preferable, but what do I know.

At least the characters in Alienator are consistent with Sci Fi conventions. Namely, no one can shoot straight, much less hit their target. These idiots couldn’t even shoot themselves. Even the Alienator, a hunter with specialized robotic enhancements, can’t hit a target tied down and at point blank range.

So Kol, the rebel leader, escapes from Space Prison and ends up crashing on Earth. When he sees the Earth on his view screen he recognizes it, though how is never explained. Which is a good thing, because when the movie tries to explain itself things go horribly wrong (see first roadside attraction).

For most of the movie Kol is acting like he can’t breathe. He grabs at a collar on his neck, which suggests it has something to do with his distress. Yet, when he puts his fingers in between the collar and his neck there’s plenty of room. Was it randomly squeezing? Was it injecting him with something? Shocking him? Was it really hurting him? I just dunno. I don’t think the filmmakers did either.

Oh, another neat feature of the collar is that it’s a tracking device. Naturally this is a boon for the Alienator. Unfortunately, it’s a two-way device. For some reason it alerts the wearer that the hunter is close by. Is this a psychological feature meant to scare the bejesus out of the person? Why not make the collar do something cool like, uhm, I don’t know, stun the prisoner? Or, better still, have it blow off their head. Problem solved.

Wait… right. Sorry. It wasn’t in the script. Nevermind.

Kol wanders out of his ship and gets hit by the requisite group of college kids on vacation in their RV. Rick is the overbearing, self-serving jerk. Bennie is the smart one with glasses. Caroline is the blonde bimbo. And rounding out the group is Tara, the brunette. They scoop up Kol and take him to the ranger station.

At the ranger station, Ward Armstrong, the ranger, gets the story. Of course the kids don’t know much, only that they want to get out before they’re caught up in legal hassles. Kol violently comes to. He tells them he’s from another planet and on the run for his life. Both Ranger Ward and the Scooby-Doo crew believe it. Why not? Nothing strange about a space foreigner on the run from the space law. When Rick doubts the validity of the story he’s the “crazy” one.

Another reason why some people deserve to die. And right on cue here comes Alienator.

She indiscriminately kills people and destroys things, even when they are NOT interfering with her objective. The poor doctor who was summoned to help Kol is toasted for his troubles. Cars are vaporized. Ranger Ward’s cabin is shot up, and the sad part is, no one was in the cabin. She was just shooting the place up. She even kills the comic relief hillbillies. Though, in her defense, they were shooting at her.

Luckily for our heroes(?) when a ‘Roid Ragin’ Space Terminator™ comes to camp there’s a gun-crazy Colonel, with all kinds of illegal weapons, living within walking distance. While he doesn’t put much stock in the spaceman story, he is ready for a fight. Especially when it means he can use his anti-personnel mine.

While they are fortifying the Colonel’s hut, Alienator has a touching moment with a doe. Aw.

Then the final boss battle. Guns, crossbow bolts, and the anti-personnel mine don’t even scratch her tin can brassiere. What does bring her down is a net made of chicken wire. It short circuits her circuits which drains her power. How? See the first roadside attraction for the movie’s explanation.

At this point the movie knows it’s got nothing to loose, ‘cos it had nothing to begin with, so it pulls a M. Night Salamidingdong twist. Kol’s never made himself worthy of all of the trouble Ranger Ward and the Scooby-Doo crew are going through for him. Now that the Alienator’s dead, he uses is heretofore secret psi powers. He heals Rick who was almost choked to death. He then Force chokes Rick into submission. He Jedi Mind Tricks Rick into following him into the woods where finally he takes over Rick’s form.

HUH?

You mean all this time Kol had these powers and only now he’s using them. AFTER he’s been saved. And this is the “good guy” who’s leading the rebellion against the Great Tyrant Baal? But like all those purple nurples  you received by bullies in high school gym, the twisting isn’t over.

Alienator isn’t dead, but you knew that was coming. Rick (i.e. Kol) starts acting like a bigger jerk than usual, almost raping Tara in front of everyone. Another fight ensues, but it’s nerd boy Bennie who steps up. Ranger Ward initially stopped the assault but got shot for his trouble. While everyone, Colonel included, looks on at the one-sided fight between Rick (i.e. Kol) and Bennie, Alienator comes in from behind and cuts off Rick (i.e. Kol’s) head. The head turns back into Kol’s and he promptly vomits out Space Milk Blood™.

Alienator checks to make sure he was her target, the ONLY time she checks, and when satisfied calls in that the job’s done. Then, after almost being killed by these people, she tosses Ranger Ward a bag of loose gems (which she was hiding where exactly?) and bugs off like nothing happened. Oh, and she left her gun, too. Was that ‘Roid Ragin’ Space Terminator™ gratitude, or was her encounter with Bambi, while digging a punji stick out of her foot, the tender moment which warmed her icy, mechanical heart?

Does it matter?

No, it doesn’t matter because the movie still isn’t over. Back on Space Prison Planet there’s a final twist. It turns out that the Delegate General, who was at Space Prison Planet only as an observer to the execution, wasn’t who he said he was. He was, in fact—Kol’s father.

OH LORDY!

A light sword through the gut care of Commander Airwolf and all is wrapped up in a tangled mess.

roadside attractions

  • Be Amazed by gibberish explanations like, “The net’s created a perpendicular magnetic pole. It’s syphoning off her electrons in alignment with the Earth’s axis.”
  • Hear Alienator’s gun make light saber sounds & the light saber make laser blast noises.
  • Wonder how the light saber and sound effects got past Lucas.
  • Marvel at how 17 minutes into the movie they ran out of money for space special effects, causing the remainder of the film to be shot in some state camp ground.
  • Read all the credits for all the three named actors who took up the extra letters which left Teagan Clive to be billed only as Teagan.
totals

5

blood

BLOOD

There’s not a lot of blood, but there is yellow goo and Space Milk™.

0

blood

BREASTS

It tries to give us a little something, something in the Commander’s assistant’s top, but a cut out showing her bra is weak. Fail.

10

beast

BEASTS

I’m not quite sure who the bad guy was in the movie, so I’m giving the movie a ten because it had so MANY possibilities.

5 OVERALL
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Nov

posted by Doktor | November 3, 2013 | 80's b-movies, B-movies, Horror movies, Review by Doktor, Sci-Fi

Comments Off on Alien 2: On Earth

Tagline: …ora può colpire anche te (Now It Can Also Affect You)

Year: 1980 Runtime: 92 min

Director: Ciro Ippolito & Biagio Proietti

Writer: Ciro Ippolito

Starring: Belinda Mayne, Mark Bodin, Roberto Barrese

As the name would suggest, Alien 2 is a mockbuster hoping to cash in on the fortunes of Ridley Scott’s Alien. This is a Rent-a-Center version as only an Italian could do. What that means is two-fold. First, Ciro Ippolito saw Alien and thought, “That’s awesome. I can do that.” This, of course is a terrible lie, but he thought it nonetheless. Second, the movie has lots of walking, driving, standing around, and long (several minutes) panning shots. I believe Ippolito was trying to build suspense and tension, but what he ended up with was filler. If this movie were food it would be a MSG laden order of #13 Kung Pao Meow Mix.

Alien 2 shares two things with Alien. First, the title. For those not paying attention it would appear to be the next film following Scott’s Alien. Second, there’s an alien which first incubates and then bursts from a person’s body. Chest bursting is pretty hard-core, but Ippolito wanted to go full METAL \m/, so his alien is a face burster. This might have been pretty sweet if he had money to light the shots with the alien. It’s so dark you can’t make out much. The few times an alien is in the light it’s jumping from person to person with screen time somewhere in the fraction of a second duration.

There’s not really a story, so much as there is an idea for a story. Some aliens get into a returning space capsule. How? Dunno. Before the capsule is opened they get out and spread all over the world. How? Dunno. The aliens are blue rocks, perhaps eggs, I dunno for sure, that’s just what we get.

There’s a group of speleologists who find one of the rock eggs and take it with them on their trip into a local cavern. In the cave the rock egg hatches and starts killing the members of the group one by one. When they discover what’s going on the group makes a frantic run for it, resulting in them getting hopelessly lost.

When everyone else in the group dies the Final Couple, Roy and Thelma, instantly find their way out. The technical term for this is Convenience ex Machina. While that was contrived, at least the Final Couple didn’t try to pass off the pretense of not leaving and/or saving their friends before they left. They were like, “See ya!”

Making it out of the cavern wasn’t all it was cracked up to be though. Back in the real world everyone is gone. EVEN at the local bowling alley, which is crazy because that place always has tens of people in it. Roy goes to investigate and…

Then there was one.

Oh! The horror of the abandoned automated bowling alley! Well, not quite abandoned. There’s still Thelma and the Aliens. Thelma escapes to find that the world is now cast in a shade of red. She’s all alone. Her cries for help echo in the empty streets.

Cut to black title card: “…You May Be Next!”

While overall the movie was lacking in substance, I did learn a few interesting things.

First, cave rats are sensitive to sonar equipment. This is important to know because if you should find yourself lost in a cave/cavern and you use your portable sonar device to find your way out, you might get attacked by a cave rat. Well, not you personally, but the sonar equipment. They go straight for the antennae, which not only renders the device inert, but voices your warranty.

Non-functioning sonar equipment can be used as a walkie-talkie. Not in real life, but in cheap movies where you need filler and don’t have the props.

B-Movie Survival Tip: if you’re walkie-talkie doesn’t instantly work, don’t immediately toss it away like grandma when she becomes a burden to the family. It might still be functioning. Take out the batteries and blow on them. It works 99.9% of the time.

You can watch the full movie here.

roadside attractions

  • Listen to the confused early industrial synth/spaghetti western sound track!
  • Marvel at the shameless use of NASA stock footage for the “space” scenes! And the movie even admits it!
  • Ponder Thelma’s mysterious powers of telepathy, or insanity—whatever, same difference!
  • Watch the most eager-to-separate group in all of horror filmdom get exactly what’s coming to them!
  • Experience the terror of an abandoned automated bowling alley!
totals

10

blood

BLOOD

It’s an ITALIAN Rent-a-Center Alien. Half the budget was for blood.

2

blood

BREASTS

I’m going with the Rick James vote: “I wish I had more hands so I could give this film’s lack of gazongas four thumbs down!”

5

beast

BEASTS

Face bursting aliens sounds cool, but they didn’t execute the visuals very well. Mostly it’s just them as blue rocks. Mostly.

5.666 OVERALL
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