Archive for the 'Sci-Fi' Category

Sep

posted by The Goon | September 14, 2013 | 90's movies, Drama, Fantasy, Horror movies, Reviews by the Goon, Sci-Fi

The Guardian

In 1973, William Friedkin shocked the world with a masterful little horror flick called The Exorcist. The film was executed so flawlessly, it became a ‘must’ staple of the horror world and films since then have tried to mimic it’s success, but never coming close. Seventeen years later, he returns to the genre to try and shock audiences once again with a tale about a woman who steals babies and fuses them with a tree. Yes, you heard me right. Needless to say, it was nowhere as well received as his previous masterpiece. In fact, Roger Ebert put this on his list of ‘Most Hated Movies’. So is The Guardian really THAT bad? Well…

Hopefully you didn’t confuse this with that other The Guradian movie about Ashton Kutcher on a boat and are still reading. Allow me to try and detail my brief description of the film from earlier. Some text at the beginning explains that druids use to worship trees. Some of those trees are good, others are bad. Okay, I realize how incredibly silly this sounds and I wouldn’t blame you for laughing out loud (I certainly did). Well in case you’re still reading, allow me to continue. We see a husband and wife heading out for the night, but have to turn around, because the wifey forgot her glasses. Oh yeah, how did instantly improve vision not make the top of that to do list? As they get home, they discover their nanny has vanished with their baby, but somewhere in the woods that baby is being sacrificed to keep an evil tree alive. It’s not a cool Satanic sacrifice, like with goats and blood. She just sorta holds the baby up in the air, it disappears and then is a part of the tree, like a carving. Yes! Marvel at the screen-shocking terror as you tilt your head and say, “Huh?”

gdn_2This is when we are introduced to our main characters, Phil and Kate Sterling. Phil works for an advertising agency that moved him out to LA. You’ll notice that for most of the movie, Phil will kinda putter around shirtless in pajama bottoms looking mopey. Shortly, they have a little mush of weird doughy, alien also known as the unknown obsession to women as a baby. Wanting to continue their work, although I think they forgot to give Kate an occupation, they decide to hire a nanny. The decision comes down to the film’s only black person, Arlene, or a suspicious British woman named Camille. To make their choice easier, God decides smite Arlene as she rides her bike into the world’s most deadly pot hole, flipping her off the bike and hurling her down a hill like a rag doll and killing her. Guess who gets the job?

Camille is quickly accepted into their arms and why not? She takes care of the little noise maker. Realizing the movie is starting to trot along without any gore, Camille and the baby are attacked by a group thugs that look like teenagers that never grew out of the psychobilly phase while drinking PBR out in a field somewhere. She leads them into the woods where they come alive, not unlike Evil Dead, and tear the men apart, smashing one’s head like a soggy watermelon and setting another on fire. This tree has more powers than Superman! The absurdity doesn’t stop there. Their neighbor Ned starts crushing on Camille in, I have to admit, a rather charming and chivalric way. Unfortunately chivalry is dead and so is he after being savagely eaten by wolves that protect Camille after he sees her as what she really is. Before he died, he managed to place a phone call to Phil, who was already growing suspicious of her. Odd, her references should have checked out…

gdn_4Oh that’s right, Phil and Kate didn’t bother checking TO SEE IF THE WOMAN CARING FOR THEIR NEWBORN CHILD DIDN’T HAVE ANY KIND OF CRIMINAL OR MENTAL HEALTH BACKGROUND. Although in their defense, I don’t think ‘Evil Tree Spirit’ would have come up. Wouldn’t you know it, none of the references exist. Phil kicks her out and baby Jake needs to be taken to the hospital. Well what a coincidence. Camille tries to steal the baby from the hospital, but Phil puts his Chris Brown lessons to work and smacks her to the ground. Heading home, they find wolves are patrolling the premises, forcing them to retreat to the woods. Bad idea. Camille harnesses the power of the Keebler Elves and tries once again to steal the baby only to be run over by Kate in the jeep (on a side note, this is pretty much the first thing she’s done the whole movie). Phil sees all of the babies in the tree and rationally they try to explain this all to the police. For whatever reason, the cops don’t believe them, so what else is there to do for our heroes except to pack up and move on. But not before Camille can try to steal that baby one last time. I gotta give her an A for effort. Most people quit trying to steal babies only after a few times. Enraged, Phil sets out into the woods with a chainsaw faster than you can say “Groovy” to settle this once and for all.

Originally, Sam Raimi was slated to direct this picture, but backed out early in production to direct Darkman instead and you can really see how this script was tailored towards Raimi’s style and doesn’t exactly suit Friedkin’s. Look at the evidence: The kills are over the top and messy. What should be pretty straight forward and, let’s face it, silly, is bogged down with subplots that seem to go nowhere. What I find really interesting are the type of shots he uses, clearly an homage to Raimi’s cinematography. Especially when we get a wide, low angle chase cam. Hell, the look of the character in the final act; tattered blue button up, messy, wavy hair and a chainsaw… ring a bell? Obviously, I’m not saying that William Friedkin is a bad director. That would be stupid to say, but what I am saying is perhaps he wasn’t a good choice for this type of film. I guess even he realized this, seeing as the TV edit of this film has given directing credit to Alan Smithee.
The Guardian

Having said all that, is The Guardian a horrible film? Not exactly. It’s not great by any measure, but admittedly, I had some fun watching it. The film itself seems well paced, putting in the gory moments just when you are about to get bored, but for such a simple plot, Friedkin does seemingly try to complicate it with unneccasary exposition and dialogue just to draw it out. This is where some good old fashioned Sam Raimi gore would have been a much better filler, but that’s what happens when you rewrite far too many times. A simple idea gets diluted and things begin become overly complicated. Nonetheless, throw on your filthiest pajama bottoms and stop moping around. Watch this one at least once just to keep the Keebler Elf ladies away.

Check out this review and plenty others at Goon Reviews.

roadside attractions

  • Good old fashioned baby snatching.
  • Limb for limb!
  • Hooligan head explosion!
  • Where’s my werewolf?
  • Baby tree.
  • Take a shot every time you think of Evil Dead.
  • Cutting down to size.
totals

7

blood

BLOOD

Head popping, limb ripping, tree spewing blood goodness. Not exactly a walk in the park!

6

blood

BREASTS

Camille can’t wait to show you her twins and I ain’t talking about babies.

5

beast

BEASTS

Nothing a little forest fire can’t handle… and apparently a backhand.

6 OVERALL
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Watch the entire movie!”

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Sep

posted by Doktor | September 9, 2013 | 80's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Horror movies, Review by Doktor, Sci-Fi

Tagline: A Science Fiction Horror Adventure That’ll Blow You Away!

Year: 1982 Runtime: 77 min

Director: Allan Holzman

Writer: Tim Curnen

Starring: Jesse Vint, Dawn Dunlap, June Chadwick

I knew I was in for some quality entertainment when the first thing I noticed was the Rent-a-center Stormtrooper. Lucas, or more precisely his lawyers, didn’t bother to go after Forbidden World because its stormtrooper is gray and uhm-tarded. Cheap whore, thy name is Roger Corman. God love him.

And then they crank the knob all the way to AWE-some!

Space Food Pirates™ are in the sector and up to no good. Luckily SAM-104, the gray stormtrooper robot thing, knows what to do—put on some classical music ‘cos it’s out of copyright, erhm… I mean… ‘cos it  makes for a classy space battle scene. Oh yeah, and wake Space Troubleshooter Extraodinare™ Mike Colby. If anyone can handle Space Food Pirates™, Mike can.

Normally the stasis revival process is a banal procedure but due to Colby’s ESTP, Extraordinary Space Troubleshooter Perceptions™, as he is coming out of stasis he experiences clairvoyant flashes. These flickering images of things to come are in no way explained. One only knows what these random things are once they sat through the movie. In other words, it’s a hot mess of confusing things-that-are-happening, all of which are completely out of context. There is, however, quite a few breast shots, even a nice girl/girl shower frame, to help distract from the complete lack of coherency.

Enough of that, there’s a space battle to be had. (The editing, like the review so far, is a bit ADD.)

Naturally the space battle is handled with the same brilliance and attention to detail. Namely, Colby and SAM pilot their ship by throwing switches and pushing buttons, which everyone knows is MUCH easier than using a joystick. Amirite? So, after a few flips, mashes, and a completely unconvincing, I mean, absolutely nerve wrecking power outage, the Space Food Pirates™ are destroyed. Phew. That chewed up some runtime.

Realizing that none of this has advanced the film’s plot, SAM steers things back on course, quite literally, by changing their destination. Whereas Colby and SAM were originally headed home for some much needed R&R, now Galactic Head Quarters has called them back to duty. Something has gone wrong in the genetic research station on the remote planet of Xarbia and only Colby can set it right. When you know excellence you ask for it by name, which makes their choice of Colby completely baffling.

The research facility is working on “the food problem”. Though never explicitly detailed—they haven’t explained anything yet in this film so why start now—from context I guessed the problem to be there’s not enough food to go around. GHQ created the Xarbia lab, with state of the art equipment to tackle the issue. No expense was spared when outfitting it. Well… with the tools at least. Where the staff is concerned, eh, not so much. It was placed on Xarbia to allow for more “risky” experimentation than could be done elsewhere. That is to say, they put the idiots as far away as possible in case they made an oopsie.

When you spare no expense to equip morons with tools to manipulate genes, hilarity, and/or burning, explosive diarrhea is sure to follow.

These people can’t really be idiots/morons, can they? Considering the immense financial burden of such an undertaking, not to mention the possible cost to humanity if they were to fail, I use the terms idiots and morons because there’s not a stronger term without resorting to expletives. These mental giants’ best idea is to splice genes of various plants and animals with Proto B. Proto B is this crazy bacteria that multiplies like rabbits on Spanish Fly while constantly changing genetic structure. It doesn’t take a rocket surgeon to work out the obvious catastrophe here. Two immediately come to mind:

  1. With such a reproductive rate might it not eventually take over everything, destroying all in its path. You know, like cancer?
  2. If it’s constantly changing genetic structure might it not eventually become something that is NOT food? It might be a cow-like thing, then a pretty flower-like thing, then a goat-like thing, then a deadly virus-like thing, then a testicle-like thing, then a genetic mutant killing machine-like thing, etc., etc.?

Uh. This kind of depravity makes The Baby Einstein cry. And we all know that when The Baby Einstein cries Herr Schrödinger’s cat dies.

Yet, just when you think the madness has plateaued… The genetic mutant destroys the lab, claims his first human victim, and breaks out of the airtight, sterile environment. What does everyone do? They go night-night, of course. Everyone together now: What could POSSIBLY go wrong?

By night-night I mean it’s time for the sex scene. Sort of. There’s nudity but what is happening defies description, though I’ll do my best. The ambience is set with porn reject music synthesized through a voice box as someone is violently barfing. The hoochi-coochi lick ‘em yum yums is more like two blind people in the throes of grand mal seizures while playing twister than people making love. To make it even less sexy, the lurvin’ is interspersed with shots of the security guard hunting the genetic mutant. It goes something like this: Boob. Jump cut. Mutant. Jump cut. Guard. Jump cut. Thigh. Jump cut. Guard. Jump cut. Mutant. Jump cut. Guard. Jump cut. Shoulder. What in the hell is the editor trying to convey here? I was so confused I had to watch my dog clean his junk for about an hour before the world made sense again.

Where the crews’ actions exemplify their doltishness, their dialogue is the fly slurping in mindless bliss on a puddle of Space Scientist Affluence™.

Space Scientist: “This creature is intelligent.”

Colby: “How do you figure that?”

Uhm, maybe because it has strategically cut off all escape and communication. Oh, and it’s “keyed into the computers.” Most importantly it’s half human. Wait… What?!? Half human? Aren’t they supposed to be making an alternate food source? Subject 20 is people!

Space Scientist: “Here it comes. This is the analysis of the gelatinous tissue. This should tell me what it is made of.”

Really? What’dya know. So that’s what ANALYSIS means.

Ah, but the coup de grace is truly the feather in Forbidden World’s cap. How do you kill a genetic mutant? Feed it cancer. It’s all very scientific. I’ll ’splain it terms that even the personnel on Xarbia station can understand. Cancer instantly reacts with the genetic mutant’s genetics causing it to vomit a genetic hallucinogenic foam. Then it dies. Meanwhile the foam causes anyone in the vicinity to relive the movie. It’s called a Space Runtime Filler™, and the main effect is free footage to pad out the movie to a feature-length. For those keeping record, these visions are exactly mostly the same flashes from the beginning. Mostly. Getting triple use out of the footage, classic Corman.

Lastly, there is a “Director’s Cut” with an additional 5 minutes of footage. I can’t imagine what didn’t make the original cut that just HAD to be re-released as the definitive version of the film. Plus, with all the padding, who decided to cut the footage to begin with? Sigh. Regardless, it’s in my netflix queue, so I’ll let you know when I find out.

roadside attractions

  • Hear wondrous space lingo like, “Ding whopper!”
  • Witness the universes’ foremost bacteriologist constantly cough on everyone and everything!
  • Wonder at the futurific sunglasses used while relaxing in the tanning bed/sauna/shower thing!
  • Thrill at the TWO types of showers on the station! (Like I said, no expense was spared.)
  • Watch as a “scientist’s” ungloved fingers pokes around in the goop that was the first victim!
totals

7

blood

BLOOD

Everything in the lab was eviscerated, and that’s before we get to the good stuff.

8

blood

BREASTS

Space Womerns can’t wait to get nekkid.

6

beast

BEASTS

Great green gobs of greasy grimy genetic mutant stuff.

7 OVERALL
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Watch the trailer for “Forbidden World”

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Sep

Retard-O-Tron III

Remember how awesome it was to make mix tapes for cruising around in your friends car during the summer? Each song would reflect your freedom, wild nature and reflecting back on the other good nights. Or the girl that you wished you could tell her how you felt, so you put together that perfect mix of songs about staying up late thinking about her, casual conversations and falling in love? Retard-O-Tron III is that mixtape for gorehounds, cheesy b-movie fanatics, cult fans, porn lovers, hardcore and punk aficionados alike.

So as you may have gathered, or if you have seen the other two films, Retard-O-Tron III is a clip show with a sleazy and vulgar twist. It goes far beyond just presenting clips from films. It splices them together, both video and audio of some of the raunchiest, nastiest, goriest and downright disturbing videos. As soon as you pop this thing in your DVD player, before you even play the feature, the graphic on the Main Menu alone should be a warning… or a welcoming invitation to the mad and macabre crowd.

The film opens up appropriately enough with several Japanese girls sitting in a circle, peeing into the air, like a pee fountain… no, not LIKE a pee fountain, it IS a pee fountain. This is all synchronized to the elegant and tantalizing music Beethoven, showcasing a prime example of mixed media art. If there was a ever to set a tone for a film, this would be it. Shortly after, we are introduced to a cooking show, Cooking with Merrill The Great Gourmet. Merrill is… a bit slow and seems to have somewhat of a temper. This is cut back and forth to throughout the film, but next we are shown what is probably the funniest mash-up I have ever seen and pretty damn gross simultaneously. Imagine if you had tuned into Britains Got Talent, there sit Simon and whoever the other two judges are, scowling and waiting for the next shtick. A beautiful woman enters the stage and presents her “talent”… blowing air out of her bunghole. What she does with it next though, let me just say that it displays the elasticity of the human rectum and does not look like it feels pleasing in the least bit.

There are also tidbits of opera singers, dubbed with belches and farts at one end of the spectrum and at the other it has porn clips with opera singing dubbed over it. A majority of the duration are karaoke videos that look like they would have been on a public access channel, various movies, like Terror Vision and Bloodsport, all fused with a variety of music from Kris Kross to Le Tigre and my favorite, scenes from Reb Brown movies Strike Commando and Space Mutiny (Reb makes anything awesome). This is the formula that follows, but you’ll still find yourself shocked and then laughing maniacally. You’ll feel sick, both mentally and physically, but it’s the price you pay.

The mixtape ends on a high note, various snip-its of Japan doing what Japan does to entertain and proving to the world why they are Japan and nobody else is or would want to be. If I had to describe the vibe to Retard-O-Tron, it would be like asking yourself after every scene, “What the f*#@ did I just watch?” It’s as if you tuned into a bizarro episode of Tim and Eric. As depraved as this may be, it’s hysterical. I felt nostalgic for my high school days when my friend and I would watch repugnant and farcical videos on sites like The Stile Project and Ebaum’s World. This is all edited by a man named Roelewapper, who is most likely a mad genius and we are all part of his experiment. So check out Retard-O-Tron III and visit the official site. Just bring a bucket.

Check out this review and plenty others at Goon Reviews.

roadside attractions

  • You’ll never see Britain’s Got Talent the same way again.
  • Reb MF’ing Brown.
  • Grumpy gourmet.
  • Japan.
  • You know what, the whole damn thing is a Roadside Attraction.
totals

6

blood

BLOOD

There is some in the various clips.

9

blood

BREASTS

Here, there, everywhere.

10

beast

BEASTS

Everything you witness, especially Merrill, is a monster.

8.3 OVERALL
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Watch the trailer!”

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Sep

Night of the Demon

How many Night of the Demon(s) movies are there? We’re all familiar with the 1988 film Night of the Demons and it’s sequel, Night of the Demons 2. There is a also a 1957 British monster movie Night of the Demon, but I’m talking about the 1980 killer Sasquatch flick with the same name. You think that may be confusing? And I have to ask, why call it that? They could have easily called it Night of the Sasquatch, but oh, maybe that would have been convenient. On a plus side, this is one of those infamous video nasties, although it seems to go unnoticed, even by a good majority of horror fans.

Like most good Sasquatch movies, this one is told in flashback form and I know the Charles B. Pierce classic Legend of Boggy Creek II comes to mind, but remember Chuck’s ’squatch flick came 5 years later! Come to think of it, both are fairly (and suspiciously) similar at moments, although Legend of Boggy Creek II is far less violent… and features far too many characters wearing upsettingly short shorts.

notd_2The movie opens with Dr. Nugent, laying in a hospital bed, sadly not from cat scratch fever. Apparently that’s not a real thing, but his face, however, is covered from the mouth down as it seems to have been scorched off in a battle with the monster. But for a guy with no lips and first degree burns all over the bottom half of his face, he seems to be talking just fine about the Sasquatch deep in the woods that killed everyone and attacked him. So, we jump into the flashback machine and watch an old man get his arm ripped off. The point? To bring in his daughter, seeking the help of Dr. Nugent and the rest of his anthropology class. Now the plot gets rolling and they set out into the woods to find some answers, but it’s more like the answer finds them. Like a blood soaked Scooby Doo episode, the gang heads into town and questions the inhabitants to find the Sas’ and some woman being called Crazy Wanda, but they uncover a whole lot more.

Believe it or not, there is a lot going on in Night of the Demon than one would think. It doesn’t come across as convoluted, but rather magnetic. When the cast isn’t standing around in flannels spilling exposition, Dr. Nugent tells the class the legends of the creature and we get to witness the full blown red carnage. Most infamously, a biker stops at the side or the road to pee and has his dong ripped off! The camera does not shy away from this effect and will leave you groaning in pain as his newly opened wound spews blood like a garden hose. There are also some rather… silly tales, as one camper is twirled around in his sleeping bag, tossed like a bean bag and impaled on a tree branch. Sasquatch must’ve been Jason’s trainer for the sleeping bag scene in Friday the 13th Part VII! Another is when two Girl Scouts (who look a little too old to be in Girl Scouts) are for whatever reason packing knives, so clever ‘Sas grabs their arms and makes them stab each other. I couldn’t help but wonder, ‘”Why don’t they just drop the knives?” Because then we wouldn’t have that scene, that’s why.

I have to mention the subplot involving a cult. Yes, this movie has about everything, so why not add a cult? About the middle of the flick, the gang interrupts what looks like a cult about to rape a woman. They later find that woman was Crazy Wanda, who they had been searching for. After some hypnotizing (apparently anthropologists need a hobby), they get Crazy Wanda to tell them about the cult and her past, but not why she doesn’t appear to have showered in some time. You see, years ago Wanda’s crazy dad use to beat her after she was raped by Sasquatch and had his mongoloid baby. In fear that her father may kill the baby and the baby-daddy, she sets her father on fire. And you thought the girls on Teen Mom had daddy issues.

notd_3Night of the Demon does have a surreal, spasmodic vibe to it, with the stories that Dr. Nugent tells feeling like a misplaced puzzle piece anthology of sorts. When Sasquatch is stalking his prey, rather than your usual wide POV shots, the camera adds a red vignette to the screen, leaving you feeling as if you are in danger. It could almost feel unsettling and along with the biker’s johnson getting ripped off, there was a disemboweling scene that landed this movie on the Video Nasty list. Yeah, you can show a young woman get raped by Sasquatch, but some dude’s willy gets yanked off… that is just too much, sir! And if that’s not enough, the lighting of the film is notably very Dario Argento-esque, accompanied by unnerving howling ambiance and the music almost sounds like simple synth, like it was lifted out of Don’t Go in the Woods or The Forest. This isn’t to say it doesn’t have the flaws you would expect from this kind of film, such as acting more stale than three year old Cheerios and questionable editing at times. I also remember them mentioning a preacher who had killed himself because he saw the Devil existed after seeing the spawn of Crazy Wanda and Sasquatch. I have to ask, if you’ve accepted and believe in God, doesn’t that mean you also believe that the Devil exists (after all, believing in one is acknowledging the other exists)? Then again, what do I know? I’m a Scientologist.

It’s an overlooked and possibly even unknown gem. I completely forgot about this film, until I saw it at a yard sale for a quarter (best damn quarter I’ve spent). Nobody seems to mention it, then one day you bring it up and then their reaction resembles something like, “THAT movie… Oh yeah… it’s awesome!” So, see the legend everyone seems to be keeping quiet about. Just make sure you pee before.

roadside attractions

  • Girl Scout knife fight.
  • Camper shot put.
  • Making baby ’squatch!
  • Gut tearing terror!
  • Flannels!
  • Instant Biker sex change!
  • Ax’ing questions.
totals

8

blood

BLOOD

Limbs get ripped off, guts get ripped out, wieners get… it’s over the top.

5

blood

BREASTS

They were sure to give you a peek in the first ten minutes so you don’t turn off the tape.

9

beast

BEASTS

Killer Sasquatch, Crazy Wanda, Devil worshiping cult… all in the days work of an anthropologist.

7.3 OVERALL
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Watch the entire movie!”

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Aug

posted by The Goon | August 17, 2013 | 80's movies, Horror movies, Reviews by the Goon, Sci-Fi, Slasher, Slasher films

the fog

It’s midnight and for you that may mean you’re half in the bag, working up the courage to talk to that girl you think has been checking you out all night at the bar or maybe you’re sitting on your couch in stained under-roos demolishing a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos flipping through Netflix, but not settling on anything to watch. For the folks in Antonio Bay, it means something ghostly. Something deadly.

As the small coastal Californian city gets ready to celebrate their centennial, odd and almost poltergeist like things begin to happen. Car alarms blare, payphones ring for no reason, dogs go crazy with barking (so basically, normal California now)… all with the sudden appearance of a fog. This ominous presence also very slightly upsets the mortar at the church, knocking lose a stone and uncovering a 100 year old diary of a teen girl. No, it’s from early settlers, but in their defense, it was cool for everyone to have diaries back then. Father Malone reads the journal, discovering that his grandfather along with five others purposely sank the ship the Elizabeth Dane and its crew of lepers, who only wished to develop a colony… but who would want to live near a bunch of icky lepers?

the fogThat evening, Nick (Tom Atkins who is MUSTACHLESS!) picks up a hitchhiking Jamie Lee Curtis, who must still be on the run from Michael Myers. On their way to nowhere, I guess, all of the car windows explode. Meanwhile, three fisherman drink beer on their boat as that fog rolls in. Ghastly, shadowed figures slaughter them and then vanish. The next morning, DJ Stevie Wayne (played by Adrienne Barbeau) is given a broken piece of drift wood from her son that only reads “Dane.” Later at the radio station (which she rocks in a lighthouse) her tapes play backwards, the wood bursts into flames and the words “6 MUST DIE” appear on the drift wood. Stevie just continues on about her day, which I assume is all you really can do.

Father Malone unveils the secret of the town’s founders to the mayor before the big ceremony: That they celebration would really be honoring murderers. Not to rain on his parade or anything, but didn’t English people murder a bunch of Native Americans to get the land we live on today? That’s beside the point.

The celebration goes on as planned as the fog rolls in, cutting power and phone lines. Bet you didn’t know fogs were were like the SWAT team of weather, did you? The specters in the fog claim a few more victims, including the weatherman Dan (Charles Cyphers) and Stevie’s son’s babysitter, who is some random old lady. Stevie gets on the radio and pleads for help for someone to help her son. Nick snaps into action and scoops the boy up before he becomes the sixth victim. You know, if all they want is six, that kid shouldn’t have been so selfish and let them kill him and the ghosts would have stopped terrorizing random, hard working people and causing a lot of money in property damage. Just saying.

the fogStevie then gives the worst advice, telling everyone to go to the church because it’s the safest place. She gives this information with absolutely no proof (guess her radio station is owned by FOX News. Zing). Father Malone is the only one to brave up and offer himself as a sacrifice, taking with him a gold cross. As he is being attacked by Blake, one of the ghosts that was murdered by his grandfather, it begins to glow because… it’s neat? No idea, but Nick manages to scoop up Father Malone and save him. The fog and the ghosts disappear, since they most likely have better things to do. The movie concludes with Father Malone pondering why he wasn’t killed, just as the fog rolls back in and the ghosts reappear.

In all honesty, The Fog isn’t John Carpenter’s best work, but it’s certainly not his worst. This film was after the success of Halloween, but right before the gory, special effects heavy The Thing, so it seems like good middle ground. It certainly showed how well director John Carpenter was developing as a filmmaker and storyteller. With roles from actors in previous John Carpenter’s, it’s interesting to see them all play different characters instead of being typecast. Also, the characters are all named after his friends, so it’s good if you like trivia. You could look at this as an experimental piece. What it lacks in violence and blood, like the previous mentioned films, it makes up in moody atmosphere, chilling darkness and a spooky story.

So tune in listeners, check out The Fog (now in a stunning restoration on Blu-ray from Scream! Factory) and keep them windows locked and doors bolted.

roadside attractions

  • Ghost Pirates!
  • Carpenter Cast Roll Call.
  • Somehow this movie feels like it should have Tom Waits singing sea shanties.
  • When Father Malone first opens the diary, pause it and see what it says on the page…
  • Take a shot every time Annie is a total B.
  • Janet Leigh, still foxy.
totals

6

blood

BLOOD

Not too much blood, but plenty of hooking and some eye gouging.

4

blood

BREASTS

Jamie Lee, covered by bed sheets. Bummer.

7

beast

BEASTS

Better hope you’re the seventh person in line of the ghosts of the Elizabeth Dane slaughter.

5.7 OVERALL
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