Christmas time is here and so is the holiday shopping season. What can you get the little mutants in your life who already have everything? Well nothing, they’re lucky to even have a roof over there heads. However if they’re ever stuck in a b-movie, we have a list of must have items for their survival. Check out the list below for practical gifts to help make this the Swaziest Christmas ever.
Satellite enhanced Rescue Device
People always bring their cell phones on a camping trip but rarely in a b-movie do they ever get a signal. We suggest the ACR Satellite 3 406 Cat II EPIRB with satellite uplink so you can be rescued or at least the authorities can easily find your body. Double the technology, double your chances of survival.
Meat Cutting Kit
Need to dismember any cabin friends who have been turned into demonic drooling monsters? This custom meat cutting kit will help get rid of even the tiniest parts for quick easy burial or fridge storage. Garbage bags and a police alibi not included.
Woman Running Shoes
Ladies, it’s time to ditch those high heels on those camping trips. No more tripping and falling while being chased by a masked psycho.These quality running shoes not only look great, but will help you burn calories while avoiding that machete.
Sure, you’ve been summoning demons from the underworld all day, but you’ve got dinner guests coming over at 5 and your house smells like the devil’s armpit. We suggest this heavy duty air cleaner to help. It won’t get rid of the evil, but it will just smell like it did.
Anti-Zombie Survival Kit
As seen on the hit TV show “The Walking Dead.” It’s every blade you’ll ever need against a zombie horde. It’s like a smorgasbord of zombie slaying. Just don’t take too long to decide with blade to use or you could end up zombie chow.
No-Flat Tire Kit
Tired of getting a flat tire in front of old creepy mansions and then having to knock on their door for help ending up a lab experiment in their basement? This tire kit that will seal up your tire tighter than a swamp creature’s sphincter muscle. Also good for helping seal walls that are maybe leaking… or bleeding.
This high-tech cross bow is great against vampire with optional sharpened wooden arrows (not included). Evil beware when the renaissance festival lets out and everyone grabs one of these babies on sale. Now this is a stake well done.
Super Soaker – Filled with Holy Water
Good for purging demons and vampires or just annoying your neighbors dogs. Add garlic spice sauce for extra colorful exploding undead. It’s like a holywater carwash.
In the post apocalyptic world, gas will be in short supply, cities will be decimated…and there won’t be any place to buy a good pair of cargo pants. Luckily there will be plenty of hockey equipment lying around since there’s no more ice rinks. It might not look good but could be a great defense against a outlander psycho whose been drinkin’ washer fluid and wants to use your skull as a flip top trash can.
Need to get away in a hurry? Why not hop in your personal hovercraft. Flee from that evil haunted swamp, fly over that flooded bridge and get home just in time to watch “Dancing with the Stars.” It even has two seats so pick the friend you like most and say adios to the rest of the zombie bait.
Help find secret passages in the walls of that creepy mansion you just bought dirt cheap on Craig’s List. Watch out for hidden dead bodies and gateways to hell.
Latin Translation Book
Don’t you hate it when you discover an ancient book bound in human flesh but can’t read it’s ancient Latin writing? Well now you can translate it and raise demons until the cows come home. Also great for reading warnings scrawled in blood on cave walls. Look for the iphone app for demonic resurrection on the go.
Chuck Norris Book
Yeah, we thought it was an oxymoron as well seeing Chuck Norris and the word “book” together, but now you can learn how to dodge bullets, or shoot in the general direction the bad guys and hit them all. There’s an extensive tips on beard grooming and includes a free certificate for being a honorary Texas Ranger. Round-house kick to the face not included.
Sure you got a great deal on that quaint little house in Maine next to the old cemetery, but it’s only because there’s been dozens of grizzly deaths there since the civil war. Now detect whether ghosts are hiding out in the kitchen and prove to your neighbors that you aren’t insane…you’re just really creepy.
Grow a Frog Kit
Is your city being overrun by giant mutant flies? Create your own giant frog…also easily adaptable to increase the growth of other mutant animals like piranha, ants, alligators. It’s make your own mutant army, just add water…and some radioactive uranium ore if you can find any.
Oh look, it’s radioactive Uranium Ore…Amazon really does sell everything.
If you’re a girl, you can greatly increase your chances of survival by appearing at least to be the nerdy quiet white girl. Wear these fake glasses and be sure to avoid having sex, doing drugs or listening to loud rock music.
Keep it in back of your pickup next to the dog. It’ll help ward off any would be alien abductors cruising in their spaceships for a good time. Probe this ya alien scum!
Help prevent zombie or demon bitings and subsequent infection with flexible breathable lining. Also ideal for scavenging in a post apocalyptic forbidden zone (see hockey equipment,)
When being pursued by a masked psycho, you may find them unstoppable killers but they’re also dumb as a log. Dress one up as their dead mother to distract them while you sneak away.
Unleash the unholy powers of ancient Aztech demons and take over the world. Warning, may cause skin lacerations and a uncontrollable tendancy to laugh menacingly at your enemies. You may also have the urge to adopt a hell hound for a pet and name him Mr. Fluff N. Stuff.