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Comments Off on Slumber Party Massacre

Slumber party massacre

If you’d compare power tools and slasers, “Slumber Party Massacre” is the Sears Craftsman of 80’s slashers… and it’s a great dinner party conversations starter too. The movie’s a perfect blend of blood, breasts and beasts featuring 2 foot long drill bit and plenty of cleavage. And before anyways starts their email writin’ saying “Barry this is just obviously another one of your  exploitation of women for horny middle aged men living in their parents basement films dealing with inadequency issues”, let me tell you It was made by real live women…. and I moved out of my parents months ago when mama needed the room for her taxidermy. It was scripted by feminist activist Rita Mae Brown and directed by Amy Holden Jones who went onto to writing such screenplay gems as Mystic Pizza, and Beethoven.Yes, two of the most testosterone free movies any guy could endure sober, yet somehow they managed to put out this quality melonfest slasher.

slumber party massacre

The party really gets kickin’ when Trish’s mom and dad are out of town and it’s all over the news that a psycho killer is on the loose. That can only mean one thing….slumber party in your underwear! With the all day basketball practice and gratutious community showering, there’s little time for the girls to get nekkid in front of the living room window. A couple of guys show up to do some peeping Tom foolery but one of them gets elbowed in the eye and has to press hotdogs to his face to bring down the swelling. That’s probably not how he imagined his night going.

Trish’s neighbor, Valerie, is babysitting her butch younger sister whose been perusing a stash of porno-mags and doing her best to stay incredibly annoying at least until her voice changes and she has to start shaving. There’s some back seat ardvarking out in the garage with one of the couples in a sedan where romance is always best to the music of Journey and under the haze of carbon monoxide. It’s just enough to set off any nearby psycho sex alarms so Russ Thorn shows up with a 2 foot cordless power drill and what has to be the best battery charge he’s ever had. He bores out holes in their hippie neighbor who was just hunting garden snails with a cleaver and then drills through the eye sockets of the pizza guy who still manages to ring the door bell. Now that’s a guy looking for a good tip.

Whoever is left that isn’t swiss cheese yet decides it’s best to send out the men to make a run for help so the guys logically split up and get death drilled faster than a texas oil reserve. Meanwhile the girls are still huddled inside eating the pizza kept warm from the fresh body. Dead people start piling up pretty quick so the driller killer puts them on ice in the space saver fridge carefully not crushing the Swanson salsbury steak dinners he saved for later. Valerie finally stops by just in time to battle Russ with a firepoker and title for the world’s worse sword fighter while her sister looks on drinking a weight gain 2000 shake. It’s denim-tastic.

Barry Goodall says drill baby drill! but be sure to bring both metric and standard drill sets. You know, in case you have to kill in Europe.

disclaimer: Sears in no way endorse or supports the use of their power tools in psychomaniac rampages and will not accept tool returns used in killing sprees without a receipt and in like new condition.

roadside attractions

  • gratuitous shower scene
  • snail hunting
  • gratuitous clothes changing
  • blatant usage of “if the van is rockin’ don’t come a knocking”
  • multiple head drillings
  • garage decapitation
  • pizza delivery eye gouging
  • chest drilling
  • 2 knife stabbings
  • freezer burn bodies
  • hand chopin’
  • stomach slashin’
  • machete impalement




Mutiple slash and gashers for the gore hounds.




holy melon fest batman…Did I mention this was a movie made by feminists? nice job on the lingering camera work in the shower scenes ladies.




psycho Russ Thorn…and I guess you could count the snail and maybe the neighbor’s Hawaiin shirt.


Check out the trailer for “Slumber Party Massacre”



Comments Off on “American Gothic” Rest Stop Review Edition

It’s Bible thumpin’ gone wild as people start getting sliced up faster than fresh apple pie with John Hough’s 80’s cult flick “American Gothic.” Cynthia (Sarah Torgov) is along for the ride as a grieving mother who just lost her baby in a bathtub accident. Her friends, a group of plaid advocates decide to vacation up-north to take her mind off her bad parenting skills. Unfortunately, their water plane has to make an emergency landing where they soon discover a quaint island cottage belonging to a family of Walton loonies. “Ma” and “Pa”  have been living there for years raising their family away from the evils of man and making Charles Manson’s home life seem idealic and folksy.

With no phones or electricity, Cynthia and her friends are trapped in an amish nightmare with ma and pa Crazy and their 3 adult children. They’re  not  like Tom Hanks in “Big.”  dancing on giant pianos. They’re more likely to stab you in the eyeball with a unicorn statue just for looking at them wrong. They push people off swings over the side of cliffs and lynch others with jump ropes just for the kicks. Fannie, the menopausal daughter that thinks she’s perpetually twelve wants Cynthia for her new sister so they can put on dress up clothes and change the diapers on her prune faced baby corpse. Not feeling the love, Cynthia narrowly escapes with her friend Terri and a flare gun as they try to find a boat but manage only to blow one up instead. If only they made a raft from coconuts like the professor did.

They flee into the woods and Terri’s neck gets snapped like a twig just so some fat guy can drool on her  while he plays bumper cars with her fun melons. The older brothers capture Cynthia who goes totally beserk-o  and joins in for some family fun time of dressing up corpses in the basement and stabbing people with knitting needles. Finally, all those years of home economics classes are starting to pay off. Martha Stewart is only one decopauged drink coatster away from this level of nutty.

Barry Goodall says give American Gothic a try, it’s your patriotic duty.  Just remember, never trust an amish man with a pitch fork and stay off homemade swings overlooking the sides of cliffs.

Roadside Attractions:

– death by playground equipment
– baby mummies
– knitting needle-fu
– shotgun to the back
– jump rope hanging
– flare gun-fu
– washtub bashing
– eye stabbin’
– neck snappin’
– human doll displays
– redneck whippin’



Comments Off on “The Horror Show” Rest Stop Review Edition

Yes, it’s another in a long line of death penalties run amuck films with “The Horror Show.” also known on the street as House 3 or House Tres for our spanish readers, it still has nothing to do with any of the other previous films or the even worse House IV: we’re running out of ideas.  Lance Henriksen plays detective Mcarthy who just recently locked away U.S.  history’s worse serial killer, Max Jenke. Ever since the arrest he’s been having bad dreams of playing hot potatoes with severed heads and dismembered cop hands. He hopes to finally get a good nights sleep after Jenke’s execution but it’s not an easy job with several false starts trying to jump start the electric chair (if you keep cranking it like that you’re just gonna flood it.) He’s finally turned extra crispy dead when they kick the electric chair into high and ignoring that fried psycho smell. Later in the morgue, Jenke’s spirit leaps into the electrical outlet and posses the Mcarthy’s family furnace where he can continue to haunt Mcarthy like a bad Wham song. Jenkes talks trash as a possessed roasted turkey, kills as stand up comedian, and occasionally materializes to hack up teenage boyfriends hiding out in basements.

All this makes Mcarthy thinks he’s going a bit crazy but a science geek who majored in electro-demonology confirms Jenke is very much alive and now in electrical form. Luckily he tells the detective all that just before he gets chopped up with a meat cleaver. The police suspect Mcarthy is actually a killer now since everyone he knows keep ending up dead so after a good cop bad cop interrogation, they send him home with a stearn warning and some dougnut coupons. Mcarthy ends up fighting Jenke in his netherworld power plant while his family is stuck in some sort of purgatory waiting room. The only way to kill this guy? Electrocute him again to bring him into the real world for a major smack down…. because if you failed the first time, try,try, try again.

Roadside Attractions:
Deep fried cop hands
Cajun style electrocution
Talkin’ turkey
Mutant preggers
Multiple chest choppings
Television shoot-out
Multiple electrocutions
Death by hard rock
Heads rolls
Heads explode

The writer must have been having a severe case of Wes Craven envy when he slapped this script together with ideas ripped right out of Nightmare on Elm St and Shocker but Barry Goodall still says check it out… or watch a slap chop video. Either are just about as terrifying.

“The Horror Show” proving once again why the death penalty isn’t a good deterrent…but it sure is entertaining.



Comments Off on “April Fool’s Day” Rest Stop Review Edition

Hi, I’m Mary O’Reilly O’Toole O’Shea…April fool’s! It’s Donna Bleed! I’ve never been too good at pranks, never have needed to be. After all, there are many ways of being clever! Our flick for tonight, in case you hadn’t guessed is April Fool’s Day!

Muffy St. John has invited her closest friends to her island mansion for a weekend getaway on Spring Break. We get introduced to Nikki right off the bat, she’s the sassy, sexy one; then Chaz, the cute artistic womanizer; Arch, the hunky jock who’ll sleep with anything that has a pulse; Kit, the good girl; Nan, the nerdy prude; Hal, the gold-digger; Rob, the sensitive guy; and Skip, Muffy’s distant cousin.

Skip and Arch are playing mumbledy-peg when it all goes wrong. Don’t throw knives, kids! Rob and Buck dive in to the rescue, but oh! It turns out to be a prank! Skip and Arch cooked up a fake knife and a blood bag without anyone noticing! Buck the deckhand decides to stay in the water to tie the ferry to the dock, but Captain Cal drives it right into him, and Buck’s face meets the propeller. A lot of screaming and blood, but luckily, Sherriff Sam is right there on the scene, whisking Cal and Buck off to the hospital, and making sure the yuppies know to stay put on the island. (The island that has no way off of it, aside from the ferry that now has no captain, but we’ll overlook that)

Basically, what we have here is the flower of over-privileged 80’s college students out to take over the world, and who have no idea what they want to do with their lives, trapped in a mansion that’s been rigged to annoy and upset them. They have special party favors hidden in their rooms and the one in Nan’s sends her into a pure-d tizzy; a tape of a crying baby hidden in her closet, hinting at some dark past.  Nikki has a drawer full of S&M gear, and everyone else is confused and mildly put out by theirs. Arch goes on a great nookie hunt, and stumbles in on Chaz and Nikki in a position that the doctor from Human Centipede would be proud of. I’ve never seen anyone make the sign of the triple-gilled anteater like that before or since.

Then things take a turn; Skip meets with misfortune in the boathouse during the night. Muffy has made a vicious personality change, and nobody much seems to care that Skip is missing until Rob and Kat attempt to make the sign of the electrocuted mud weasel and his dead body floats past. Then in classic style, they all split up.

I have to admit, this movie isn’t much on thrilling action so much as it is all about the psychological. Red herrings abound as they blame the ferry captain and Buck for the mayhem. People are getting picked off one by one; the water goes out and Nikki ends up in the well with Nan’s body and the decapitated heads of Skip and Arch. Then Hal, Chaz, and Nikki eat it in imaginary ways; we even have a pruning of the wangdoodle.

Soon, none but Rob, Kit, and Muffy are left. We get thrilling chases, during which there are pictures found of Muffy and…Buffy? Who’s Buffy? Oh, only Muffy’s psycho twin sister, who has decided that she and all her friends all have to go…permanently. It all ends with Rob locked in the pantry, and a showdown between Kit and Buffy, and in her final moments Kit stumbles into the den where she finds…

Everyone. They’re all alive and well, and laughing it up. Rob is released from the pantry by Buck, who is scaring him half crazy, when he takes off the prosthetic makeup and slaps it on Rob’s face and gives him a big ol’ smacker before chasing him to the Den. Everyone yells “April Fool’s,” and Muffy lets the cat out of the bag. There is no Buffy, but her twin is Skip. She’s going to lose her inheritance unless she can

maintain the upkeep on the mansion, so she’s decided to turn the mansion into a murder mystery house, and her friends are the guinea pigs. Aww, what a wholesome activity.

There’s one final prank, but I’ll let you see it for yourselves.

Roadside Totals:2 breasts, no dead bodies, no quarts blood, 3 quarts fake blood, 3 mannequin heads,  1 simulated wangdoodle removal, prank-fu, feathered hair-fu, exploding cigars, jack-in-the-box scares.

I think it’s what inspired M. Knight to make every movie have a twist.


posted by admin | January 31, 2011 | 80's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Horror movies, Slasher, Slasher films

Comments Off on Friday the 13th Part 8: Jason Takes Manhattan

Before hocking up demon lugees and jacking bodies (shakes head) in “Jason Goes to Hell”, Jason went on a carnage cruise, and stopped by the Big Apple to paint the city blood red in “Friday the 13th part 8: Jason Takes Manhattan.”

Jason is snoozing at the bottom of Crystal Lake, when whatta know he gets jolted awake by an underwater power cable. Now, wait a second… When did Crystal Lake get underwater power lines? And wasn’t Jason already brought back to life once before using electricity? Well, I guess writer/director Rob Hedden figured that it did the job in “Jason Lives”, so why not use electricity to bring Jason back again in his movie. Though the ironic thing is that later on in the movie Jason gets “killed” by electricity. But I’m pretty sure it was a different kind of electricity.

Well, it isn’t long before a fully charged up Jason comes to the surface, hops on a boat, conveniently finds a new hockey mask (because remember he lost his other mask in the New Blood) and quickly kills two horny teens. He then takes their boat for a short joy ride and uses his ninja-like skills to sneak onto a cruise ship that is filled with (surprise) more teens. Once aboard Jason quickly turns the high school senior trip into a death cruise. The soggy slasher is on his way to racking up a personal best in body count department when, oh, snap!, he botches a kill that causes the ship to start sinking like the Titanic. Of course the remaining survivors freak out and jump into the nearest lifeboat. As they are rowing away, ol’ Jason stays with the ship for some reason. He probably thinks he’s the captain. After Rennie and Co. row for what seems like forever (actually, about a minute) they finally reach the land of high crime rates, pollution, and graffiti covered subway cars, otherwise known as NYC. Not long after docking their boat they receive a very warm welcome from a couple of street thugs who waste no time robbing them using the IRS’s method of collecting money. And to make things worse they kidnap Rennie. Typical horror movie bad luck isn’t it? But that’s not their only problem because guess who tagged along? Yup, Jason. This is a Friday the 13th movie, so who else did you expect? Anyway, he didn’t use his much rumored teleporting ability to get there either. More on that a little bit later. While everybody was busy escaping, the J-man jumped ship and hitched a ride underneath of their rowboat. So much for him going down with the ship.

After the shakedown the rest of the group splits up to look for help. Man, that was a HUGE mistake as Jason manages to find and kill everyone in the group with no problem at all until Rennie and Sean are the only ones who are left. The recently reunited lovebirds are sharing a tender moment in a back alley filled with garbage (how romantic) when third wheel Jason shows up and ruins the smooch-fest. Not surprisingly, they high tail it outta there. Meanwhile, Jason follows them at a distance, strolling at his usual leisurely pace enjoying the sights and sounds of the city. And just when I though they had given him the slip he catches up to Rennie and Sean and follows them into an underground sewer where he quickly ends up getting lost. You know, it’s funny how Jason had no trouble tracking everybody down in city he’d never been to before earlier but now he can’t even find his way around a small underground sewer. I guess his SPS (Slasher Positioning System) couldn’t get a good signal down there.

Now before I forget, I have to mention this whole teleporting phenomena. In the movie Jason has two speeds. Slow, and warp speed. One minute he’s there, the next he’s not, especially when he’s getting ready to kill somebody. At first I was wondering if he had somehow learned a new ability since the last movie. But I’ve seen JTM several times now and I personally think it’s how the film’s edited to make it seem like Jason could be anywhere at any given time? Though towards the end of the movie Jason really starts to slow his pace for some reason. And I wasn’t sure what was going on until I saw the goofy makeup design they made him wear and then it hit me, Jason was dragging his feet because he was dreading his face reveal. And who could blame him. Sadly, he ends up looking about as menacing as the Cookie Monster which was a big letdown, especially after makeup effects effects wizard John Carl Beuchler set the bar so high with his awesome take on Jason in The New Blood. Remember the propeller damage, the machete slash and the ax wound? Well, you won’t see any of that attention to detail this time around. Jason’s once exposed bones are now amazingly covered with skin. I’m guessing no one was supposed to notice that he put on some weight in between sequels. Another thing that bothered me is when little Jason is shown in the flashback sequences he looks cartoonish with his Beetlejuice-like teeth, droopy eye, and long hair. Hmmm… That’s odd, I always remember young Jason having an algae covered Charlie Brown type noggin when he jumped out of Crystal Lake in the original Friday the 13th. Quick, someone call the continuity police! From what I’ve read the makeup “supervisors” who were working on JTM didn’t even bother watching any of the previous movies for research to see how Jason looked in the earlier sequels. But, hey at least they got the part about Jason being dead right.

The walking corpse behind the mask is again played by Kane Hooder. Though I liked his version of Jason in The New Blood a lot better. With the New Blood, Jason just had such an intense on screen presence. He was this pissed off, relentless force who killed anyone that got in his way, that is until he faced off against telekinetic, hottie Tina and ended up getting his butt kicked big time. In Jason Takes Manhattan a vacationing Jason is more concerned with sight-seeing and making us laugh, like when he shows his rotten face to a group of street punks who were playing their music too loud. Apparently, they didn’t know Jason’s not a fan of rap music. Now don’t get me wrong I can appreciate humor just as much as the next person but when it comes to horror movies I really prefer straight-forward scares or at least some kind of suspense. If I want a good laugh I’ll pop in a Jeff Dunham DVD.

Jason Takes Manhattan tried some different things like sending Jason on a cruise and having him visit the Big Apple. However, there were ideas that didn’t work very well like when Rennie was having random hallucinations of a young Jason attacking her as a young girl. Problem is it doesn’t fit within the Friday the 13th time line that was established in earlier movies. And besides that the explanation that’s given for why she was having these “visions” of little Jason won’t make any sense, even if you’re stoned out of your mind. I know this sequel is filled with plenty of flaws and missed opportunities, but I still give Rob Hedden a lot of credit for taking some much needed creative risks with his entry because by this time in the series, fans as well as Jason were suffering from a serious case of cabin fever.

roadside attractions

  • A Deck Hand gets the ax, quite literally
  • 1 harpoon to the back
  • A couple of impalings
  • 3 stabbings
  • A guy gets killer heartburn via a hot sauna rock
  • 2 electrocutions
  • 2 drownings by toxic waste
  • 1 Jack ‘O Jason face reveal
  • 1 slit throat
  • Jason gets a jump start via an underwater power line



Maybe, a half gallon of the red stuff. The gore in this sequel was pretty tame for a Friday the 13th movie.



One boobie in real time and 3 skeeter-bites that you can only see if you click the slow-motion button.



This sequel has 4 monsters, Jason, Rennie’s Uncle Charles, and a couple of street thugs


Check out the trailer for “Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan”



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