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Oct

posted by admin | October 20, 2014 | Uncategorized

It’s an age-old tale. A gaggle of young, attractive urbanites take a road trip through a desolate countryside and along the way meet some backwoods locals with interesting hobbies and then events transpire which lead to the deaths of most of those involved.

This one takes place in the Australian outback.

However “100 Bloody Acres” is so much more than its generic setup. It is a sharp, cleverly written splatter-comedy in the vein of “Dale and Tucker vs. Evil,” but bloodier.

The story wastes no time getting to some gore. Reg Morgan (Damon Herriman), half of the Morgan Brothers blood-and-bone fertilizer company, comes across the wreckage of a traffic accident. Reg hauls the dashboard-mangled body into the back of his truck, already filled with kangaroo road kill (this is Australia after all), and delivers the first severed limb gag of the movie.

After this brief opening segment, I knew I was in for a great ride. The camera didn’t shy away from carnage, and the comedy ranged from pitch-perfect black humor to silly slapstick.

Next the movie introduces Sophie (Anna McGahan), her boyfriend, James (Oliver Ackland) and their friend, Wes (Jamie Kristian). Sophie and Wes are having an affair and the unsuspecting James is thinking of proposing. Unfortunately for James, things are only going to get worse when they cross paths with a couple entrepreneurial brothers in the blood-and-bone business running low on their “special ingredient.”

As young travelers are wont, they stop mid-journey in the creepiest place they can find – usually a deserted gas station with dip-chewing yokels, or a kitschy roadside attraction with a seedy past – or, as in this case, a gravesite featuring a tribute to some locals whose bodies were “mysteriously” never recovered after a tragic accident.

Leaving the graveyard, their car breaks down and they catch a ride with the younger Morgan brother. Because who doesn’t want a ride from the twitchy, nervous stranger who almost certainly smells like hot death?

Reg chooses the attractive Sophie to ride up front with him, and packs the guys in the back with the concealed corpse. Sophie and Reg bond over Aussie oldie songs on the radio and a shared country background. In the back, Wes takes some acid and it doesn’t take long before they find the poorly hidden body of the motorist.

Things escalate quickly from here. Reg drives back to his farm, where he and his brother produce their extra special fertilizer, and we meet the hulking, sinister Morgan brother, Lindsay (Angus Sampson, who you may recognize from the “Insidious” movies). Lindsay, whose homicidal tendencies probably come from his parents choosing the name “Lindsay,” quickly establishes himself as the brother in charge.

They decide that instead of just using bodies they’ve lucked into on the side of the road, it’s time to start shoring up their supply of human-based fertilizer with some fresher victims.

Losing no time, they dangle the driver upside down into the meat grinder. At the last moment Reg realizes the man is still alive and tries to save him, succeeding in rescuing his legs. Well, it’s the thought that counts.

Meanwhile Wes, the acid he took just starting to kick in, manages to free himself with a knife he had stowed in his pocket. He takes off and Lindsay chases after him.

Sophie takes the opportunity to try seducing the clearly infatuated Reg. The plan backfires and Reg storms off, but not before cluing James in that Sophie’s been sleeping with Wes. James, bound, chained, and next in line to be turned into pulpy red soup, decides that now is definitely the time to talk about their relationship issues.

Elsewhere, during a short, entertaining sequence, Wes makes it to a nearby abandoned theme park before the drugs distract him and Lindsay catches up, knocking him out and throwing him in the trunk of his car. By the time they return, Reg has had a change of heart about the whole murder thing and switches allegiances, trying to help the people he originally brought home to kill.

A lot of the fun of the movie is in experiencing the ways it plays into and pushes against fan expectations, so I won’t reveal everything that happens next. It’s not nearly to the level of “Cabin in the Woods” in terms of genre satire, or for crazy twists ahead –

Don’t expect it suddenly turn supernatural or have the army show up and fireball the place, in fact expect it to not stray too far from the usual body-count-rises third act that we all know and love– but fans of Joss Whedon’s horror-comedy masterpiece will find plenty to like here.

“100 Bloody Acres” is the type of film that at first glance is reminiscent of a lot of other movies, which some will dismiss as the same old, same old without bothering to peel off the layers and find the gem underneath. It takes its horror cues from well-worn tropes. Yes, there are meat grinders, hacked off limbs and gratuitous blood-sprays – so far so good, right?

Where the movie really shines is in building likable, if a bit off, characters – a relative rarity in a horror movie, and giving them smart, funny dialogue. This is a movie that warrants multiple viewings to catch subtle sight and word jokes that may have been missed the first time through.

Sophie is not the typical survivor girl, either. She’s tough, independent, and sexual without being trashy. Sorry, these are ninety-one boobs-free minutes. The run time is not without sex acts though, but unless your fetishes check some pretty niche boxes, it’s nothing sexy.

And by the end, Reg seems like more of the good-guy-to-go-grab-a-drink-with type then a creepy, probably-going-to-go-on-an-axe-murder-spree type he initially appears. Otherwise known as the American Psycho in reverse.

Although the humor gets pretty screwball in moments, it also delivers some effective horror. There are buckets and buckets of blood. And even with his ridiculous Amish-style beard, Lindsay is imposing as a villain.

Produced on a small budget, the movie still manages to look very good. Blood makeup and special effects by Wicked of Oz Studios are well done. The sets aren’t overly elaborate; most of the movie takes place on the Morgan Brothers’ farm, along with a handful of other locations.

Some of the humor is lost in translation if you’re not up on Aussie cultural references, but its occurrences are minimal and it’s a small distraction. There is no shortage of other opportunities to laugh.

Although, word to the wise, stick around after (or fast-forward) the credits. There’s an additional scene with a great riff on “Texas Chainsaw Massacre.”

This is the debut film by sibling writer-directors Colin and Cameron Cairnes. Let’s hope “100 Bloody Acres” isn’t based on any real life brotherly experiences. But if their first effort is any indication of future films, well then, I wish these brothers a long and prolific career.

roadside attractions

  • Vaguely incestuous and cannibalistic locals with some vegetables to grow Down Under
  • Armed and nippy terriers
  • Very bad acid trips
  • Well-worn meat grinders
totals

9

blood

BLOOD

It’s all over the place by the end.

3

blood

BREASTS

One pretty girl stays fully clothed.

7

beast

BEASTS

The movie leans more heavily on laughs than screams, but there is some legitimate tension.

8.5 OVERALL
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Watch the trailer for 100 Bloody Acres”

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Dec

posted by Barry Goodall | December 12, 2013 | Feature, Uncategorized

Tis the Season for B-movie goodness and the Lost Highway mutants are hoping Santa brings them something soaked in b-movie cheese sauce. You should buy one of each of these  gift ideas for every member of your family this holiday season. If you don’t, then it’s obvious that you don’t love them.

The Goon’s Gift List

I no longer would have to wonder who I could call with my very own unlicensed nuclear accelerator. Busting ghosts around the crib would no longer be a hassle. I could also start a side business, kinda like when kids mow your lawn for twenty bucks, but they do a really bad job of it.

How else would you listen to one of the greatest soundtracks to a horror film in the past decade? One of the coolest companies, putting out one of the coolest soundtracks on vinyl, Mondo even got artist extraordinaire Jeff Proctor to illustrate the sleeve.

You will know I am the law when you see me strolling in my neighborhood wearing this badboy, day and night. Of course, it looks like it doesn’t vent well and would probly get really stinky. Then again, it would probly gain me a whole lot of respect. Judges don’t get much street cred.

Tiger Sixon’s Gift List


If’n you’re gonna go out and bust some heads, why not do it in style with a Warrior’s Vest? Start your own gang, which could come in handy while shopping for gifts.

Winter calls for a good quality hat, and there ain’t no better hat than the one Kurt Russell wore in The Thing. Sure, it might not make you a better chess player or helicopter pilot, but dang-it, you’ll sure look good.

Everyone needs a buddy for watchin’ bad movies, and who could be better than Mr. Crow T. Robot? Now, I’ll have someone besides the rats to keep me company.

Barry Goodall’s Gift List

The perfect gift for that favorite 99% in your life. Blend in with the rest of our alien overlords with this amazingly detailed mask from Trick or Treat Studios. No need to get into a 10 minute street fight to force your buddy wear a pair of sunglasses to see it.

Despite playing a unhealthy level of video games when left alone at the carnie trailer I never actually got to play this little gem of 80’s horror-gaming. From what I hear the graphics are ground breaking, Jason has never looked more horrifying and there’s a special god mode that allows you play as a virgin.

I know it’s hard to believe but I didn’t use to be as popular with the ladies as I am today. That was until I bought one of these amazing Twilight movie hairdryers. I immediately was more attractive to pretty girls with little or no personalities.  and despite my own blandness, my skin began to sparkle in the sunlight. Thought I might enjoy a good pint of  blood now I find myself getting into a lot more werewolf fights than I use to.

The Doktor

All I want for Xmas, Hanukkah, Eid, my birthday, Easter, and/or any other gift-giving holiday for the rest of eternity is Han Solo’s DL-44 Blaster. I spent more hours of my life pretending to be Han Solo than anything else. Granted, it’s a bit weird now that I’m 40, but I will be so much more validated armed with the gun that shot Greedo PREEMPTIVELY (that means first, Lucas) under the table like a good smuggler’s gun would.

Make it so! Number one!

Die-Anne Takillya

What gal wouldn’t just looove for Santa to have left this under her tree?  The McFarlane Movie Maniacs Leatherface, complete with bony stand! Any fan of the greatest move ever made (in my humble opinion) would cherish this like it was their child.

How could Christmas be complete without a seance? That’s why the next thing I would ask ol’ St. Nick for is a Witchboard! Now we can find all our lost wedding rings, hidden eggs from last Easter, and maybe Jimmy Hoffa! Just watch out, if you meet Captain Howdy, run for the hills!

The final item, well, items on my list are the Bandai Godzilla figures. From the classic Godzilla to MechaGodzilla to Mothra and Ghidora… I would have a blast with these. Just think about the awesome fights you could have around the tree!

Jul

suspiria

Very few things come together so perfectly, mixing vibrant colors and vivid violence like Suspiria. Most films can’t hold a moment of tension, making you feel uneasy with every moment that passes on screen as you’re too terrified to move or look away and a soundtrack that is so fierce, it pierces your nerves, pumping your blood faster and faster. With Suspiria, Dario Argento tried something a little different, doing away with his usual murder mysteries and opted for something a little more supernatural, both in sound and vision. Deep Red may have put Dario Argento on the map, but Suspiria is what kept him there.

During the opening credits, before any visuals are shown, we are sharply jolted into attention by the hammering of a what could be a rusty steel drum and a shrieking woman accompanied by dreadful whispering. Right before there is any plot or visuals, Dario Argento welcomes you into his world with music from Goblin. This stringing, energetic music only amplifies the blood soaked carnage to follow, which is also more amplified than his previous work. Seriously, what follows, what you will see in Suspiria, will get under your skin.

Arriving in Munich, Germany from the USA on a dreary, stormy evening is ballet student Suzy Bannion (anyone else think of bunion? Yuck.). Upon arriving at the prestigious dance academy she was newly enrolled in, a young woman, an expelled student flees into the storm, shouting something inaudible. This young woman, Pat, takes shelter at a friend’s place in town, where she believes it to be safe. But how naive of Pat, as an intruder’s arm crashes through a window in the bathroom, grabbing her. Pat’s shouts alarm her friend, who frantically runs downstairs, pounding on doors for help. After an awkward cut (she appears in a different hallway), Pat is stabbed, exposing her still beating heart and has a cord tied around her neck. She crashes through the large stained glass ceiling, hanging her as the shattered pieces of glass impale her friend on the ground floor below. If you look up ‘overkill’ in the dictionary, it will say, “See Suspiria.” And this is just the opening…

HBTMBusiness resumes as usual the next day and Suzy starts getting settled into the school after meeting with Madame Blanc and the rather mannish Ms. Tanner and these two don’t seem creepy or suspicious at all… Speaking of suspicious, Suzy starts becoming dizzy and faints during a lesson. The doctor tells Suzy that she is to take medicated wine… medicated wine. Now I’m no doctor, but I’m fairly certain you don’t need a prescription for wine.

I should also mention that this school is full of the most pompous, snobbish girls you would ever cross. They only seem interested in money, whether it’s trying to manipulate money out of each other or boys with big… wallets (what did you think I was going to say). However, Suzy does meet one peach among all the rotten fruit, Sarah. The two become friends and room together. It’s also later this evening while preparing for dinner, it begins to seemingly rain (or drop down from the ceiling in masses) unwanted dinner guests; maggots. Hey, if you thought your school’s cooking was bad! This forces the girls to have the creepiest campout in cinema history (this entire scene draped in an alarming red light) as they all gather in the practice hall. Sarah over hears the nightmarish wheezing of the school’s director… who is not due to return to the school for several more week, so what is she doing there?

Further growing more suspicious of the faculty, Sarah tells Suzy Pat was her friend and they were gathering clues on this mistrustful staff. Suzy, in stylish Argento fashion, recalls clues in flashback form, recalling Pat shouting the words ‘secret’ and ‘iris’ amidst the storm before skeptically passing out. Sarah frantically tries to wake Suzy, informing her Pat’s notes are missing, but she decides to investigate anyway. This happens in time as an unknown figure starts to stalk her. Sarah flees for her life, believing she found shelter through a window in a dark room, but what is waiting for her on the other side will leave her, dare I say ‘tangled?’

HBTMBeing told that Sarah abruptly left the school, Suzy doesn’t buy that bologna and heads out to meet with her psychiatrist Dr. Mandel, who is played by the poorly dubbed Udo Kier (seriously, the dude speaks perfect English and they dub him with that generic white guy voice?). It’s interesting to note Udo received top billing and he’s just now making an appearance as we reach the final act of the movie. It’s not an unnecessary cameo, however. Dr. Mandel provides us with the biggest piece of exposition. It turns out the school was founded by a depraved Greek refugee who was, in all probability, a witch. Udo exits as his time is becoming too costly, so his colleague steps in to finish the dialogue with Suzy, informing her that the coven cannot survive without their queen. Thank you, Mr. Kier. Your check is in the mail.

The film’s conclusion has timid Suzy filling in all the blanks, recalling all the clues and discovering the truth behind this unholy academy. This eerie ending is actually quite frightening and unnerving to say the very least. Hope you have a change of drawers.

Suspiria is like watching a twisted, infernal fairytale come to life. Every scene is masterfully lit with electrifying hues of reds, greens and blues making the scenery seem like a character, but never crossing into the realm of cartoonish. It’s actually quite brilliant and adds to the moody and iconic sound of Goblin, whose score only heightens the level of terror. Suspiria is the kind of film that could have come off as unbelievable and ludicrous, but mixed with the aforementioned ingredients and Dario Argento’s sense of stylized and prodigious direction, everything plays out magnificently. It’s a film that without a doubt has earned its title as one of the most shocking and terrifying pieces of not only Italian cinema, but as horror cinema as well.

roadside attractions

  • High dive hanging.
  • Stained glass impalement.
  • Hallelujah, it’s raining maggots!
  • Medicated wine.
  • Creepy campout.
  • Razor wire rumble.
  • Which is witch?
  • Secrets, secrets and more secrets.
totals

8

blood

BLOOD

More than Argento’s later works, but about as much as his earlier.

7

blood

BREASTS

If there were any bare breasts in this film, I’d be too afraid to look.

10

beast

BEASTS

Unknown assailants, monsterish servants, old hags, witches… and rich, snobby white women.

8.3 OVERALL
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Watch the entire movie here!

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Jun

Often called “pink films” (another term for soft-core Japanese porn… think Cinemax after 12 a.m. in Asia), the Nikkatsu Roman Porno series put out over 700 titles between 1971 – 1988! Proof the porn industry was certainly booming! Although, calling these titles “porn” is like calling circus peanuts “candy”. These pinky films were called “thrillers” for a reason; often having a dark or twisted plot, while throwing in some sex and sleaze to keep them “pink”, while censoring the man’s junk. On a side note, I realize the subject of rape isn’t a joke and it’s very touchy and can be difficult to write about. So when you see I’m making a joke, please know that it’s about the characters or a reference, not on the actual subject itself.

Let’s take a look at Female Teacher Hunting. If I had heard the title, I would have figured this to be an 80’s Linnea Quigley flick about some backwoods, hairy guy hunting down a school teacher in the Deep South. However, the tale is a little more complex than that (but I did get the 80’s part right). Two high-schoolers, Midori and Daisuke, enjoy a little skinny dip in the school’s pool, but when Midori’s uniform is found in the pool the next day, Daisuke’s teacher Sakatani accuses him of rape. His defense is by telling her that rape isn’t as easy as she think… not the best defense, but he means someone would have heard her scream.

It instantly elevates to uncomfortable levels when Daisuke, ashamed, storms off to find Midori, and forces sex on her in the radio room with the microphone on for the whole school to hear (where’s the FCC when you actually need them?). He then drops out of school and that’s about as much school as you see. Sakatani spends some time on the coast having an affair with a married man, who happens to be writing a report about rape, taking a break from his wife and daughter. Ah, a vacation from all responsibilities.

blackbagWhile this is going on, Daisuke just so happens to be at the same coastal town, taking refuge with a bar owner after accidently spilling some drunkards bottle and getting pummeled. Not only does the bar owner take him in, he shares his girlfriend with him, in which the film shares with us the saddest threesome in history. Ladies, you know those stories you hear about a three-way being every man’s dream? Well, let this prove you wrong.

But this film isn’t necessarily supposed to be erotic. The three main characters come off as troubled convincingly, especially Daisuke. You feel sympathetic toward him during the film and then you feel disgusted toward him at the end. Sakatani seems to be the one you despise the most, accusing Daisuke of rape and having an affair with a married man. She comes off as the film’s villain, but she really isn’t all that bad. As I stated earlier, the sexual element of the movie is not necessarily for arousal, but to actually support the emotions of characters and move the plot along. You get a sense of wrongness while it’s going on and as the before mentioned three way, it’s supposed to come off as sad and pathetic. I guess that only leaves Midori as the film’s only innocent character that you feel terrible for, since she is mixed up with these other hooligans.

Female Teacher Hunting is a short ride, just a little over the one hour mark, but in that time it does get its story across and remain erotic. The DVD transfer from Impulse (the erotic driven division of the great Synapse Films) looks very good, given the films thirty year old age. Edges look smooth, colors look nice. Nothing looks washed out or soft, unless it was done intentionally. Although, the only audio option is 2.0 mono Japanese, English subtitles are provided with no distraction. However, if you are looking for extras, you’ll find this one is pretty bare, only including a theatrical trailer and some liner notes from Jasper Sharp.

As far as the “pink” movies go, you’ll find Female Teacher Hunting to be different that what’s expected of this genre of film. It’s more drama driven, using the sex scenes as a sad and depressing display of character development as they spiral down into their own self destruction. Fans of this genre looking for hot and steamy sex scenes may want to resort to going to the curtained rooms in your video stores, since you won’t find what you’re looking for here.

Check out other flicks in Impulse Pictures catalogue.

roadside attractions

  • -Sex Scene Shot Game!
  • -Also, take a shot every time you feel depressed for trying to get aroused.
  • -Think happy thoughts.
  • -Did this ruin the ’sexy teacher’ fantasy for you?
totals

3

blood

BLOOD

Very little after some fighting, but this isn’t a gore flick.

9

blood

BREASTS

Lots, although most of the time not in the context you want.

6

beast

BEASTS

No monsters, but the characters themselves are somewhat monsterly.

6 OVERALL
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Check out the trailer for “Female Teacher Hunting”

trailers

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Mar

Tremors

If there’s one thing in America that we know how to do right it’s to make things bigger. Double Cheeseburger? Sure only if you’re a communist. We take our burgers with triple meat patties, bacon and a fried egg thank you very much. Grocery shopping? That should always require a forklift and a back brace. We buy our mayonnaise in 50 gallon, bathe in big gulps and  toss dwarfs just for fun. Huge is the American way. Let the Europeans make tiny furniture if they want to. We’ll take the Lazy Boy with the built in fridge that can seat 20. Sure, we might not have the smartest kids in the world but they will be the biggest and they will sit on anyone that oppose us. Heck yeah ‘Merica!

TremorsSpeaking of super sizing, some giant man-eating worms are trying to eat Kevin Bacon and Fred Ward, and only the dad from Family Ties and his 100 pounds of TNT can stop em’.  Somewhere out in the desert a small town has been having problems with sheep mutilations, backed up sewage and a rapid outbreak of guys stranded on telephone polls. Valentine (Kevin Bacon) and Earl (Fred Willard) are the local handymen who get a gooey sock puppet stuck to their pickup truck when they’re sent to investigate. Turns out it’s from an underground worms (or graboids as the locals call them) which are attracted to noise and constant bickering which Valentine and Earl do plenty of. They’re just like your mom and dad except with more drinking. The handymen are set out on horseback to try to get help before the worms swallow the whole town up and nobody notices.

Out in the desert the horses get worminated and Valentine and Earl have to high jump over an aqueduct just as  a mutant nightcrawler smashes it’s noggin into a concrete barrier. The resident hottie seismologist shows up and teaches them to pole vault across rocks so they don’t become worm food. It’s sure lucky those Olympic gymnastics left all their practice equipment behind. Then they all high tail it back to town with the graboids in hot pursuit and hang out on the grocery store roof and yell at each other.

Meanwhile, the Jumanji girl gets nearly eaten while playing on a pogo stick and Reba McEntire and Michael Gross blast a graboid in their rec-room with enough firepower to defeat North Korea. They’re quickly outnumbered so Valentine uses a lawn mower as a decoy and  they all load up in the back of a semi that he drives behind a bulldozer towards the mountains. It sounds a lot like the end of the Sound of Music except with less nazis.The graboids set a booby trap for the truck and the town folk get stuck on a rock where they start worm fishing with dynamite in hopes to escape. It’s effective but messy. The last worm smartens up and refuses to take the bait but chases Valentine towards a cliff crashing into a gooey mess onto the rocks below. Valentine does a footloose punch dance in a grain silo and saves the town from a life without rock n’ roll. Oh wait…that was another movie. Anyways, Barry Goodall says to give “Tremors” a shake. You’ll get a little more joy out of baiting your fishing hook next time.

and before you might decide on something else to watch, remember  that Reba Macantire is watching you, always. She’s like a red headed country music ninja santa.

roadside attractions

  • excessive rock,paper, scissors
  • pogo sticking
  • multiple pee breaks
  • moron kid stuck on outhouse
  • explosion fishing
  • septic tank-fu
  • Reba McEntire-fu
  • 6 degrees of Bacon
  • worm drilling
  • rock pole vaulting
totals

6

blood

BLOOD

Sheep guts, drilling graboids, multiple worm explosions and worm shrapnel. Multiple graboid snacking on town folk.

0

blood

BREASTS

Nadda Ta-ta.

8

beast

BEASTS

So many worms you’d think it was a redneck bait shop.

9.7 OVERALL
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Check out this trailer for “Tremors”

trailers

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Scare Bears
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Lost Highway is your satirical detour down the twisted back roads of b-movies and cult films reviews. learn more >>