Archive for the 'Uncategorized' Category

Apr

Comments Off on Ice Pirates

Space Pirates

“Dude, you’re like a giant Q-tip!

Before Johnny Depp stole the show with his drunken Keith Richards impersonation, there was the original great Pirate movie of the 80’s called Ice Pirates. In a galaxy gone dry where water has become the only thing of value, we can always count on watered down actors like Robert “made for tv acting” Urich to save the day. Mr. Urich plays Jason, the swash buckling leader of the ice pirates that also include Ron Perlman and Angelica Houston (both of which must have accidentally wandered onto the wrong movie set.) Ice pirates are not a Canadian hockey team, nor is it a musical on ice, but is a gang of rebels who steal frozen water from the government to sell to the locals. They’re not really all that intimidating as pirates looking more like rejects from the local renaissance festival equipped with laser pistols and swords. They mostly rely on the swords for their pure swash buckeling-ness.

The crew attacks a local ice carrying government ship and yes the ship even looks like a giant ice cube tray. I swear my 7 year old kid could do these special effects better himself. While stealing the ice blocks they accidentally encounter a frozen princess named Karina who Jason immediately falls in love with. He attempts to steal her from the ship like she’s the last Swasons TV dinner left in the fridge but is captured by the ruthless overlord Zorn. We know Zorn is very evil and very stupid because he says things like “Killing you would be too easy. I have something better in mind for you!” ugh..typical dumb bad guy move.

So he delays their execution by sending them to the planet Mirtha to be castrated and lobotomized and used as slaves. Instead of the traditional years of marriage that would normally take to incur such a punishment for a man, they’re put on a assembly line given a shave and almost have their twigs and berries chomped off by an vicious looking crotch claw (Yikes!). Luckily the princess decides to help them escape before that can happen and uses them to find her father who supposedly knows the secret location of a lost water planet. Hmmm…what planet could that be? give you a clue It rhymes with girth.

Jason and his Crew arrive at yet another pit-stop planet, this one covered in fog to hide the fact the movie was probably running out of budget and is inhabited by Amazonian woman who ride magical white unicorns. I think had that dream once……anyways, princess Karina doesn’t find her father but does find an annoying body-less head that looks like the guy from tv hollywood squares who whines a lot. He reluctantly helps them find the time warp after a nose tickling Guantanamo-style torture. As Jason and the crew travel through the time warp they start to age rapidly. Old people turn to skeleteons, young couples get busy and have babies, guys grow big afros and long beards, it’s like Woodstock all over again man. Will they survive and find Girth? Will they have unlimited supplies of snow cones? Will they be able to clear up a vicious case of space herpies? Check it out for yourself. You’ll be glad you did.

Keep an eye out for…

– robot kung-fu
– unicorn riding amazon woman
– extreme afros
– jive speaking robot pimps
– crotch claws
– gopher shootin’
– frog-women who drink too much
– freshness sealed princesses
– space herpies
– robot family drive-bys

I always wondered how many people can you fit on a motorcycle…this movie dares to answer such an age old question.

rated 7.9 out of 10 for the movie.

learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out the trailer for Ice Pirates

Apr

posted by admin | April 2, 2007 | Uncategorized

Comments Off on Countdown to Grindhouse

4 days until the new Rodriguez and Tarantino film “Grindhouse” and to celebrate what could possibly be the greatest b-movie ever made, I’ve redesigned Lost Highway with more of a vintage Grindhouse style. Check out the jaw dropping trailer now!

zombies, babes, hot-rods, machine guns, and the return of Snake Pliskin. Need I say more?

Mar

posted by admin | March 13, 2007 | Uncategorized

Comments Off on Hello world!

Welcome to WordPress. This is your first post. Edit or delete it, then start blogging!

Oct

posted by admin | October 2, 2006 | B-movie Reviews, Uncategorized

Comments Off on They Live

They Live

“I’ve come to kick butt and wear RayBans…and I’m all outta RayBans!”

Okay I guess I started my ode to John Carpenter early. Let’s start with one my favorites. “They Live” is a great sci-fi movie interrupted only  by an overly long wrestling matches. Roddy Piper plays Nada, a tough guy construction worker with a bad mullet trying to edge out a living in the big city. Yes, the same Roddy Piper from the wrestling fame. So in the movie Roddy, oops I mean Nada *snicker at girly name here* is unemployed and hunting the street for work when he runs across some strange sunglasses. These sunglasses give him the ability to see the world as it really is. The world is run by Aliens controlling us through subliminal messages in our advertising and media! I knew it! How else can you explain things like Oprah or Tom Cruise being so popular. All media print and advertising is just cover for subliminal messages like “obey” ,”sleep” ,”consume”, “marry and multiply.” The last ad apparently worked on me.  3 kids an a mini-van later. All I’ve got to say is put on your sunglasses or you’ll be asking for a whole heap of hurt. Check it out!

rated: 8.3 out of 10
Learn more about this movie at imdb.com

Sep

posted by admin | September 22, 2006 | B-movie Reviews, Uncategorized

Comments Off on Duel

the_dual.jpg

“Help me! I’m in a made-for-TV movie!”

What happens when you cross Jaws with a little road rage? You get Duel. Or you get a big shark flopping around on a highway. Either way Steven Spielberg’s early directorial effort showcases his unique ability for gripping thrillers. In this made-for-TV movie, Dennis Weaver plays David Man, a wimpy-mannered businessman taking a long drive across the badlands of California. Along his way encounters a intimidating semi-trunk which looks even more sinister in David’s enormous 70’s sunglasses. The trucker continually annoys and taunts him. Just a typical day for commuting for most of us turns into a evil game of cat and mouse for David. The frustration leads to David screaming out such expletives as “Hey man, you jerk!” or “Come on, give me a break.” Wow! harsh words from a hardened street-wise insurance salesman. Actually he might not have sold insurance but it just seems like that’s the type of job he would have..must have been the suit and sideburns. Anyways, the truck, much like the shark in Jaws, is an unstoppable mysterious evil force with a bad exhaust problem. We never really see the driver of the malevolent truck and are put in David’s position even hearing his own thoughts as he tries to come to grips with his situation. I think I still hear his voice when I get cut-off by a semi on the highway. I just want to blurt out “You’re wrong, mister. I mean if you think you can just… just take that… that truck of yours and use it as a murder weapon and uh… killin’ people on the highway… you’re wrong! You got another thing comin’….. Now where are my huge sunglasses?!” I really enjoyed this neat little thriller. Check it out.


rated: 8.2 out of 10
learn more about this movie at imdb.com

About the Highway

Lost Highway is your satirical detour down the twisted back roads of b-movies and cult films reviews. learn more >>