Archive for the 'Uncategorized' Category

Mar

Comments Off on Tremors (1990)

Tremors

If there’s one thing in America that we know how to do right it’s to make things bigger. Double Cheeseburger? Sure only if you’re a communist. We take our burgers with triple meat patties, bacon and a fried egg thank you very much. Grocery shopping? That should always require a forklift and a back brace. We buy our mayonnaise in 50 gallon, bathe in big gulps and  toss dwarfs just for fun. Huge is the American way. Let the Europeans make tiny furniture if they want to. We’ll take the Lazy Boy with the built in fridge that can seat 20. Sure, we might not have the smartest kids in the world but they will be the biggest and they will sit on anyone that oppose us. Heck yeah ‘Merica!

TremorsSpeaking of super sizing, some giant man-eating worms are trying to eat Kevin Bacon and Fred Ward, and only the dad from Family Ties and his 100 pounds of TNT can stop em’.  Somewhere out in the desert a small town has been having problems with sheep mutilations, backed up sewage and a rapid outbreak of guys stranded on telephone polls. Valentine (Kevin Bacon) and Earl (Fred Willard) are the local handymen who get a gooey sock puppet stuck to their pickup truck when they’re sent to investigate. Turns out it’s from an underground worms (or graboids as the locals call them) which are attracted to noise and constant bickering which Valentine and Earl do plenty of. They’re just like your mom and dad except with more drinking. The handymen are set out on horseback to try to get help before the worms swallow the whole town up and nobody notices.

Out in the desert the horses get worminated and Valentine and Earl have to high jump over an aqueduct just as  a mutant nightcrawler smashes it’s noggin into a concrete barrier. The resident hottie seismologist shows up and teaches them to pole vault across rocks so they don’t become worm food. It’s sure lucky those Olympic gymnastics left all their practice equipment behind. Then they all high tail it back to town with the graboids in hot pursuit and hang out on the grocery store roof and yell at each other.

Meanwhile, the Jumanji girl gets nearly eaten while playing on a pogo stick and Reba McEntire and Michael Gross blast a graboid in their rec-room with enough firepower to defeat North Korea. They’re quickly outnumbered so Valentine uses a lawn mower as a decoy and  they all load up in the back of a semi that he drives behind a bulldozer towards the mountains. It sounds a lot like the end of the Sound of Music except with less nazis.The graboids set a booby trap for the truck and the town folk get stuck on a rock where they start worm fishing with dynamite in hopes to escape. It’s effective but messy. The last worm smartens up and refuses to take the bait but chases Valentine towards a cliff crashing into a gooey mess onto the rocks below. Valentine does a footloose punch dance in a grain silo and saves the town from a life without rock n’ roll. Oh wait…that was another movie. Anyways, Barry Goodall says to give “Tremors” a shake. You’ll get a little more joy out of baiting your fishing hook next time.

and before you might decide on something else to watch, remember  that Reba Macantire is watching you, always. She’s like a red headed country music ninja santa.

roadside attractions

  • excessive rock,paper, scissors
  • pogo sticking
  • multiple pee breaks
  • moron kid stuck on outhouse
  • explosion fishing
  • septic tank-fu
  • Reba McEntire-fu
  • 6 degrees of Bacon
  • worm drilling
  • rock pole vaulting
totals

6

blood

BLOOD

Sheep guts, drilling graboids, multiple worm explosions and worm shrapnel. Multiple graboid snacking on town folk.

0

blood

BREASTS

Nadda Ta-ta.

8

beast

BEASTS

So many worms you’d think it was a redneck bait shop.

9.7 OVERALL
dripper

Check out this trailer for “Tremors”

trailers

dripper
Mar

posted by Barry Goodall | March 10, 2013 | Uncategorized

Comments Off on Horror T-shirts from T-shirt Bordello

Check out our partner’s website T-shirt Bordello and their great selection of b-movie and horror movie themed shirts now on sale. Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
horror t-shirts

Nov

posted by Barry Goodall | November 28, 2012 | Feature, Shopping, Uncategorized

Comments Off on B-Movie shirts and more onsale for $10

Check out our partner’s website T-shirt Bordello and their great selection of b-movie and movie themed shirts now on sale for $10 each.

Great horror shirts on sale for $10 from @tshirtbordello. http://www.tshirtbordello.com/pages/Horror-Shirts

Jul

Comments Off on Showdown in Little Tokyo

I am from the future. Things are different there. For one thing, Dolph Lundgren is as important an historical figure as Leonardo Da Vinci. A sample of his resume: Black belt in Karate; Masters in chemical engineering; Fulbright scholar at MIT; Bouncer at glamorous NYC dance club; Male model; U.S. Olympic pentathlete (non-competing); Actor; Writer; Director; Artist. One time, masked burglars broke into his home without knowing its owner. They tied up his wife and child, but upon noticing his photograph on the mantle they realized they were robbing Dolph Lundgren and fled in terror. He is a polymath. A renaissance man. A Thomas Jefferson or a Benjamin Franklin. Except where Benjamin Franklin discovered the nature of electric current, Dolph Lundgren discovered that a man of muscle could make an obscene amount of money by starring in inexpensive direct-to-VHS action movies.

While there are more famous Dolph Lundgren films, “Showdown in Little Tokyo” is undoubtedly the greatest Dolph Lundgren movie. I don’t mean because it has his best acting (that would be “Universal Soldier”). In fact, Brandon Lee (“The Crow”) completely overpowers Dolph with the sheer force of his charisma. Much has already been said for the late Brandon Lee’s talent, but that guy was a Movie Star.

The reason “Showdown” is the greatest Dolph Lundgren movie is that it contains everything you want out of a Lundgren vehicle: guns, exploding cars, boobs (Tia Carrere!, or rather her body double), homosexual subtext, Dolph shirtless, and awesome one-liners. Although Brandon Lee cockily saunters through the movie, maliciously setting bad guys on fire and stealing the show, even he can learn from Dolph. Dolph is the Master. We are all his pupils.

I’m not even going to attempt to summarize the plot. It doesn’t matter. Don’t even worry about how it’s physically impossible for Dolph to jump over that moving car. Don’t stress your pretty head about how he has infinite ammo. Why does Brandon compliment Dolph on the size of his manhood? Wouldn’t you when confronted by full Lundgren? This movie rules. It is essential viewing for all you numbskulls.

The Lessons from “Showdown in Little Tokyo”:

-Dolph and Brandon are in love.

roadside attractions

  • Dolph Lundgren, you wussies
  • Tia Carerre’s naked body double
  • Brandon Lee, RIP!
  • Yakuza decapitations
  • Electrified Mattress Torture
  • Hollywood racism
totals

7

blood

BLOOD

You can always safely count on Dolph to give you some middle-of-the-road 1990s action movie violence. The best naked bathhouse tattoo knife fight since Eastern Promises

9

blood

BREASTS

Tia Carrere is technically naked in this, but it is pretty obviously her body double. Also, Nyotaimori (Don’t google that word at work.)

7

beast

BEASTS

Under-appreciated 90’s b-movie heavy Cary Hiroyuki Tagawa randomly stabs or decapitates someone every five minutes

9 OVERALL
dripper

Check out the trailer for “Showdown in Little Tokyo”

trailers

dripper
Sep

Comments Off on Alligator

1980’s “alligator” might just do for pool parties what Jaws did for swimming at the beach as a giant mutant alligator terrorizing the sewers and streets of Chicago. Robert Forester stars as detective David Madison, a  former hair club member with a nasty habit of getting his partners killed. He’s called in to investigate why some pets have suddenly gone missing and random body parts are clogging up the sewers. Turns out, a flushed baby gator grew to the size of a Eldorado while snacking on hormone injected canines and is now moving up the food chain. Side effects also include insatiable hunger, dry mouth and an overall improved batting average.

David heads down into the sewer to check out the disappearance of a sanitation worker and that’s where he runs into the beefy reptile. His new partner is quickly made into a giant gator chew toy proving that David goes through partners faster than red shirts guys on Star Trek episodes. Back at the precinct, nobody believes the detective’s story and some even suspect that he might be a serial killer but a snooping reporter gets some glamour photos of the giant lizard right before getting killed.

The city gets gator fever and the mayor orders a bunch of police officers to bang on trash can lids like rejects from a Stomp recital to scare it out of hiding. The gator’s a no show since he’s been sunbathing in a backyard pool… relaxing, drinking margaritas, and eating the occasional kid dressed up as a pirate. Meanwhile, David has been making night moves on the local lizard queen (Robin Riker), a scientist who specializes in reptilian behavior and how to brutally reject guys at pickup bars. She’s immediately attracted to David’s receding hairline and his sweat stained t-shirts which leads to a late night of love making and watching Chip re-runs.

David discovers the laboratory responsible for making the mega-gator food, but the CEO is best buddy with the mayor, so he just ends up getting fired instead. Left with some free time David makes the sign of the two horned platypus again with Marisa, while the gator heads out for another kiling spree smashing up cop cars and tail spanking rich white people around like a frat hazing.

The mayor decides to hire a safari hunter to track the gator down in the streets who also enlists the help of some local gangsters as guides. They end up finding a big pile of gator poop right before a gator ninja sneak attacks them from behind. Another inner city gator drive-by.

With the police in hot pursuit, it escapes into a nearby lake where some cops in speed boats do some stunt jumps off it’s back and a cop gets his legs chewed off. It’s probably the worse boat show ever. David is put back on the case and he corners the reptile back in the sewer. Using some spare dynamite he ignites the methane in the tunnels just before barely escaping when the “where’s the beef lady” parks on the escape tunnel. Sure he blew up 20 square blocks, but at least the gator is dead….and smelling delicious.

Somewhere in heaven Steve Erwin sheds a tear.

Barry Goodall says “Alligator” is a bloody good time, just remember to never flush your pets down the sewers or you could end up with a giant man-eating alligator…or even worse, mutant ninjas turtles and a kung-fu rat.

roadside attractions

  • gator wrestlin’
  • multiple severed arm
  • multiple severed leg
  • dead dogs with gigantis disease
  • improv stomp garage band.
  • alligator hunter sorta like crocodile hunter
  • alligator poop
  • pirate pool parties
  • alligator drive-bys
  • gator jumping stunt spectactors
  • boat and car crash and burn
  • gator tail baseball
totals

9

blood

BLOOD

Multiple severed body parts and gator chomping with splatter.

3

blood

BREASTS

talked of often but never actually seen..sorta like bigfoot.

10

beast

BEASTS

A sleazy guy in a hawaiin shirt and one 30 ft. mega-gator.

8.3 OVERALL
dripper

Check out the trailer for “Alligator”

trailers

dripper

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Lost Highway is your satirical detour down the twisted back roads of b-movies and cult films reviews. learn more >>