Archive for the 'Uncategorized' Category

Jun

Comments Off on Inheritance

I managed to make it out of the trailer park for a while; I was going stir crazy under that house arrest! You have no idea how pesky those little ankle bracelet trackers can be! Luckily, with the aid of some cooking spray, a pie cutter, and a drifter, I’ve squirreled free and have been on the road for a little while. You have no idea the bother one tiny little missing persons report will bring you! Pat just won’t let it go no matter how many times I tell her that Bert has gone night fishing and I don’t know when he’ll be back. Granted, this trip is a bit longer than
usual, and his car is in the driveway, and the boat is at the dock, but I try not to meddle in his affairs. And yes, I had the carpet ripped up and replaced with E-Z-Kleen Linoleum and bought more than the usual share of bleach and quicklime on our credit card, and the meat tenderizer is missing from the utensil drawer…but that…that shouldn’t raise any eyebrows! Not here at The Lost Highway, anyway.

inheritanceSo that’s where I’ve been, on the road with my dark glasses and my hair all cut off! I’ve broken the mold a bit and have been checking out some newer flicks, some BRAND-SPANKIN’ NEW, and I have to tell
you, that bad movies are timeless. This one I have for you today is a doozy!

The Inheritance (2011) is a thriller that begins with three carloads of people complaining about their family reunion in the dead of winter. The ground is covered in snow, and everyone is whining and complaining about crazy Uncle Melvin (The incomparable Keith David) holding the reunion this time of year. We meet in turn the family: Tyrone, Simpson, Lily, Karen, and Henry. Joining the party are Simpson’s boss Martin, and his wife, Julie. Everyone has their butt on their shoulders until they arrive at the old plantation house and mess around on the snowmobiles after getting a gift from dear Uncle Martin, a box full of champagne and reefer.

Everyone gets messed up; Martin and Julie go upstairs and we get a scene of them making the sign of the epileptic platypus while the rest stay downstairs and have a talk about why they’re all here and basically how much money they’re going to ask their family for. They refer to their family as “The Elders,” which is strange at best, but hey, it’s a family thing. Then they start playing around with the various drums while Simpson reads aloud from a tattered old book.  We know something supernatural is happening because we go into slow motion and Lilly performs an off the cuff ceremonial dance in the living room, then starts flipping out when the words, “THE FLESH IS THE STRENGTH” appear, written in bloody snow on the window. That’s when everyone calls it a night, and Martin and Julie get murdalized.

Now, I don’t know about you, but I’d pretty much just up and leave if I awoke from a dead sleep to one of my aunts or uncles just sitting there staring at me. This family, no, they’re not surprised at all, but jump out of bed for the festivities. And, how, what festivities!

The Elders have moved all the furniture from the living room except for some fur rugs and sigils drawn on the floor, and 5 chairs. The Elders are decked out in ceremonial African garb, they seat the cousins, and Uncle Melvin proceeds to tell the family history…in fantastic flashback!

Back in the days of slavery, their family was all on this plantation. A slave named Chakabazz survived a lynching. Turns out he was a healer and a prophet. He offered them freedom, wealth and power if they sacrificed their firstborns to him. The family brought the children, 3 boys and 2 girls. He does some spell  in his cabin,  all the kids start screaming, and all but one is killed. The one left alive is The Vessel, meant to start the family line over again. Chakabazz tells the adults that they must pay him tribute each generation, “Do not forget me, for I shall not forget you.” Nobody has much to say about this story aside from Simpson, who laughs and insults The Elders, and who is silenced with a slap across the face by Karen. Everyone disperses after a very creepy moment (one of many) between Karen and Uncle Melvin, who promises to talk to The Elders so everyone can ask for their cash later on.

Everyone kinda does their own thing from here, and Karen decides to take a bath. During which she falls asleep and has some bathtub dream sex with the ghost of Chakabazz, and wakes up to none other than Uncle Melvin staring at her! That’s the universal symbol for GET OUT AND FIND AN ADULT YOU CAN TRUST! She dissolves into horrible cramps, and chews on some roots given to her by one of the other Elders, but they don’t do much for the pain, they’re basically tenderizing her insides for the propagation of her family line via more freaky ghost relations.

From here it’s a mess; everyone comes under attack by African warriors, they can’t decide whether to stay in the house or in the car, Lilly drives away only to crash, then the remaining four run back into the house, Lilly’s mom makes a surprise appearance and screams about them not going to take her baby, at which Uncle Melvin laughs creepily and that’s the last we see of her. Everyone else hides in the car, and they try to drive off until they come across Lilly’s car, then find the body of poor Martin in the back and start running through the forest. Simpson breaks a leg and is being dragged by the rest on a makeshift litter, and they stumble across a bonfire and a full-on ritual.

The Elders summon the spirit of Chakabazz to come and take his sacrifice, and soon all we’re left with is Henry and Karen locked in a room in the main house. Henry is busy writing an email to tell the story of what’s happening, when Karen, all hopped up on Chakabazz, takes an axe to his cranium. THEN THE MOVIE ENDS!! OH, CURSE YOU, ABRUPT AND SORTA AMBIGUOUS ENDING!

Through all of this, the tragedy is that the story is awesome, but the movie was ploddy and boring in parts; too much plot got in the way of the story. It’s still worth a watch once or twice!

We’ve got 3 breasts, 1 beast, and 5 quarts blood; head-hacking, creepy uncle lurking, bathtub nookie, drunken ritual dancing, root eating, leg snapping, knife-fu, throat cutting, head on a stick, hatchet-fu, face slapping, spirit summoning,  cannibal ghost relatives, 6 dead bodies.

trailers

dripper
Apr

Comments Off on “The Horror Show” Rest Stop Review Edition

Yes, it’s another in a long line of death penalties run amuck films with “The Horror Show.” also known on the street as House 3 or House Tres for our spanish readers, it still has nothing to do with any of the other previous films or the even worse House IV: we’re running out of ideas.  Lance Henriksen plays detective Mcarthy who just recently locked away U.S.  history’s worse serial killer, Max Jenke. Ever since the arrest he’s been having bad dreams of playing hot potatoes with severed heads and dismembered cop hands. He hopes to finally get a good nights sleep after Jenke’s execution but it’s not an easy job with several false starts trying to jump start the electric chair (if you keep cranking it like that you’re just gonna flood it.) He’s finally turned extra crispy dead when they kick the electric chair into high and ignoring that fried psycho smell. Later in the morgue, Jenke’s spirit leaps into the electrical outlet and posses the Mcarthy’s family furnace where he can continue to haunt Mcarthy like a bad Wham song. Jenkes talks trash as a possessed roasted turkey, kills as stand up comedian, and occasionally materializes to hack up teenage boyfriends hiding out in basements.

All this makes Mcarthy thinks he’s going a bit crazy but a science geek who majored in electro-demonology confirms Jenke is very much alive and now in electrical form. Luckily he tells the detective all that just before he gets chopped up with a meat cleaver. The police suspect Mcarthy is actually a killer now since everyone he knows keep ending up dead so after a good cop bad cop interrogation, they send him home with a stearn warning and some dougnut coupons. Mcarthy ends up fighting Jenke in his netherworld power plant while his family is stuck in some sort of purgatory waiting room. The only way to kill this guy? Electrocute him again to bring him into the real world for a major smack down…. because if you failed the first time, try,try, try again.

Roadside Attractions:
Deep fried cop hands
Cajun style electrocution
Talkin’ turkey
Mutant preggers
Multiple chest choppings
Television shoot-out
Multiple electrocutions
Death by hard rock
Heads rolls
Heads explode
Cleaver-fu
Furnance-fu

The writer must have been having a severe case of Wes Craven envy when he slapped this script together with ideas ripped right out of Nightmare on Elm St and Shocker but Barry Goodall still says check it out… or watch a slap chop video. Either are just about as terrifying.

“The Horror Show” proving once again why the death penalty isn’t a good deterrent…but it sure is entertaining.

trailers

dripper
Jan

Comments Off on Revenge of the B-movie Trailers

We’ve found some more movie trailers both old and new for you to check out. Enjoy!

Mega Piranha

Well, the masters of blockbuster rip-offs, Asylum Films, are at it again. This time they’re looking to “reel-in” viewers with their killer fish clone, “Mega Piranha.” The basic premise is a school of not very friendly, mutated, and wingless, but flying fish (thanks to some really bad CGI effects) is blamed for several bizarre deaths. If you’re thinking the plot smells fishy that’s because it’s practically been lifted from “Piranha 2: The Spawning”, which was made almost 30 years ago. Anyway, various piranhas are shown attacking a building and a high-flying helicopter. It’s hilarious watching them soar through the air in every direction like they’ve been fired out of cannons. Not surprisingly, the dumb and helpless humans in the movie quickly end up becoming fish food, except for a guy who channels Jackie Chan and uses kick attacks would like to suggest a career change.  Maybe train to be a chef, perhaps go back to school for a business administration degree, or perhaps a fireman.  Anything that does not involve the cinematic arts. Only director, Uwe Boll (“House of the Dead”) would make a movie this bad and expect it to be taken seriously. If you like cheesy, bottom-of-the-fish-barrel, SyFy channel-style films, then “Mega Piranha” will have you, hook, line, and sinker.

Mutant Swinger From Mars

The title alone made me curious about seeing this preview. At first I was wondering if this was some kind of soft-core porn movie from the 50’s that I had somehow missed. Well, after watching the trailer I’m a little disappointed that it’s not a long-forgotten porn movie, but I’m happy to write that it looks to be an another gut-busting satire that takes inspiration from those old 50’s sci-fi movies. It seems Martians (who look like rejects from an old episode of “Star Trek”) have invaded planet Earth again to kidnap as many earth women as possible. They probably got the idea after watching “Earth Girls Are Easy.” Now, there’s one thing that I can’t figure out, and that’s how Mars apparently has water to support organic life forms, but they don’t have a dating service.

Puppet Master: Axis of Evil

I’d written off Full Moon years ago after seeing their piss-poor excuse of a film called “Decadent Evil”, which lifted so much footage from other movies that even Ed Wood would have drawn the line. But I have to admit that this trailer really makes an effort to capture the feel and atmosphere of earlier “Puppet Master” movies. This latest sequel picks up after the events of “Puppet Master III: Toulon’s Revenge”, which is my favorite film in the series. The whole gang (Blade, Pinhead, Leech Woman, etc.) look to be back in action, which should make fans of the series happy. Let’s just hope that Full Moon founder, Charlie Band, is starting a new trend with this installment: releasing movies that are actually fun to watch.

Michael Morlock’s Supernatural World

The actor who plays Michael Morlock really could be a Michael Moore impersonator. The trailer starts off with Morlock earning some extra cash pimping a Viagra knock-off while filming his latest documentary. Then we see him conducting eye witness interviews and doing investigative reporting at various locations where supernatural phenomena have supposedly occurred, such as the “Tunnel of Doom”, which just looks like an ordinary bridge to me. This is probably the kind of movie you’d end up with if the real Michael Moore had directed sci-fi documentaries.

Sharktopus

A creature that is half shark and half octopus, not to be confused with Oprah, has been created for the Navy so they can use the deadly “double feature” as the ultimate weapon. And before you can say Long John Silver’s, aquatic chaos ensues as the creature flips its creators the middle fin and starts chowing down on anything with a pulse. This flick has all the things that we’ve come to expect from a SyFy channel movie such as Z-grade visual effects, a cast of washed-up actors (I mean that affectionately), and dialog that’s been tastefully ripped-off from other movies. B-movie fans will enjoy seeing legendary B-movie director/producer Roger Corman’s cameo as a beach comber who finds a gold coin on the beach after “Sharktopus” has just eaten your standard issue clueless, blonde bimbo.

Dec

posted by admin | December 24, 2010 | Uncategorized

Comments Off on Day 24: Lost Highway Christmas Advent-ure

Each day until Christmas we’re revealing a new b-movie poster puzzle. Make your guess and come back the next day to see if you were correct. (when we’re feeling in the holiday spirit we’ll give some clues on our facebook fan page.)

Day 24: name this poster below

Yesterday’s poster was “Empire of the Ants”

empire of the ants

Dec

posted by admin | December 10, 2010 | Feature, Uncategorized

Comments Off on Day 9: Lost Highway Holiday Advent-ure

Day 9: name this poster below

yesterday’s posters were “Friday the 13th Part 8″and “I Spit on Your Grave”

friday the 13th

spit on your grave

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Lost Highway is your satirical detour down the twisted back roads of b-movies and cult films reviews. learn more >>