Archive for the 'Uncategorized' Category

Mar

Comments Off on Lifeforce

There’re two certainties in life..death and taxes. And unless there’s itemizing going on in Hell, I suspect death is a bit less time-consuming. Yes, it’s tax season once again so that means it’s time to gather those crumpled receipts from the shoe boxes and try to remember how little money you had before you didn’t have any money. It’s kinda like you’re being forced to give a loan to that crazy uncle that says he needs the cash for groceries, but you know he’s just going to blow it at the race track, always betting on the horse with emphysema. Still you hope you might find a loophole somewhere and get some money back: “Could I actually write-off dog grooming?” “Is beer deductible?” “If I get my wife pregnant, can I claim the kid this year?” These are just some of the questions you might ask, but you can take comfort in knowing your cash will go to good use in the community. It will be invested in deserving projects such as the secret underground testing labs where they train monkeys how to open pickle jars. Large portions will go into technology investments like $12,000 coffee makers for Area 51, or eco-food preservation. Maybe they can finally fill in that big pothole they call the Grand Canyon with some of the money that’s left over. I’m counting my receipts and checking them twice because if the IRS Fairy ever does ever visit me at night, I want her to leave me a nice little tax return, and not pimp slap me and steal my wallet again.

lifeforceSpeaking of life-sucking vampires: Mathilda May may have induced many boys into puberty in the mid 80’s when she gallivanted around as a naked space vampire vixen in “Lifeforce.” A giant evil-looking space thistle is discovered in the tail of Haley’s Comet, and instead of just nuking it and asking questions later, a group of curious, dim-witted astronauts decide to go check it out. While inside they find a bunch of giant dead space bats floating around, and 3 naked people frozen in display cases. Is anyone in the crew mildly concerned for their safety yet? Nope. So they decide it’s an even better idea to haul the aliens back to Earth in their cargo hold.

Months later a rescue shuttle from Great Britain’s bustling space program is sent up to intercept the now adrift shuttle. Much to their horror they discover most of the crew burned beyond extra crispy. An apparent fondue party gone horribly wrong. Fortunately, the space nudists are still well preserved in their see-through tanning booths, and they swiftly get hauled down to London to be studied at a minimum security community college. Suffice to say alien shenanigans occur, as the formerly freeze-dried alien girl wakes up and starts making out with strangers, sucking out their lifeforce like soda through a straw. She then goes streaking through the hallways, distracting everyone with her space melons, only being confronted briefly by a security guard with the lure of a potato chip. No one can resist the fever for the flavor of a Pringles. Once free she goes on a London whirlwind hitchhikers tour of soul suck-i-tude, with her consciousness jumping around between bodies in an attempt to recharge her lifeforce batteries.

Meanwhile back in the lab, her first victim, now shrunk up like a used Capri Sun bag, gets up from the autopsy table and starts attacking the doctors to absorb their soul juice. Tom Carlsen (Steve Railsback), the only survivor of the doomed space crew, suddenly shows up back on Earth in a mercury escape capsule (he must have been stuck in traffic), and he’s debriefed by a NASA British agent, who learned that he has a psychic connection to the female alien. They decide to hypnotize him to learn of her whereabouts, because that’s what NASA does best. His unique powers give Tom a Google Earth street view of license plate #’s, and he soon learns she’s traveling with a poor sheep herder in a Volvo. It’s as if the DMV suddenly became omnipresent.

Lifeforce

Along with a Special Air Service operative and a wormy little doctor named Professor Fallada, they track down the partially possessed people, using them as a sort of compass to her main squeeze, a balding British doctor played by Patrick Stewart. They decide to pimp slap around Captain Picard for a while, and then pump him full of more narcotics than are in Mark Maguire’s butt cheeks, thus trapping the alien’s consciousness in his body. On a flight back to London, the space chick escapes via some nasty nasal discharge, materializing in front of them, and then crop dusting the whole of downtown London with her space vampire electric mojo. Warning: Side effects of vampire mojo may include dizziness, vomiting, and turning into an undead zombie who sucks out human souls.

Your typical zombie plague occurs, putting London in a quarantined war zone, while Caine and Carlsen race to destroy the source, and try to stop the vampire ship that’s attracting souls like flies to a bug zapper. It all leads up to a big showdown in a citadel with naked vampire chick, a Conan sword, and a whole lotta cheap special effects.

Tobe Hooper, after his little stint with “Texas Chainsaw Massacre”, decided to make this sci-fi/horror movie, and it never quite decides if it’s an alien film or zombie film. Maybe it’s just an excuse to have a lady walk around naked for a half hour. Either way it’s a win-win. Retroman Steve says check it out and remember, only store your vampires in official Gladware containers. They help avoid freezer burn and lock in freshness.

roadside attractions

    • Giant space thistles
    • Soul powered light beacons
    • Explodo vampire-zombies
    • Freeze dried space bats
    • Patrick Stewart pimp slappin’
    • Extreme sinus drainage
    • Multiple face suckings
    • Multiple impalements
    • Capri Sun soul bags
    • Death by flare pistol
totals

7

blood
BLOOD

blood fountains through nostrils

8

beast
BEASTS

plenty of zombies and space vampires

9

blood
BREASTS

half the movie is a naked vampire chick

9.7 OVERALL
dripper

Lost Highway is proud to partner with Crackle.com in providing you the ability to watch “Lifeforce” online for Free! Check out the link to launch the website and video.

Jan

posted by admin | January 26, 2010 | News, Uncategorized

Comments Off on Lost Highway Wins Total Film Magazine’s Best Cult Blog. Riots in the streets, dogs and cats living together.

Best Cult Blog

If there’s one thing we at Lost Highway strive for is figuring out new ways to fill up mantel space. I blame that show “Trading Spaces.” I’ve found that I’ve really learned to “explored my space” with a mantel full of shruken heads I bought on Ebay and wind chimes made of old beer cans but now I can add something new. Yes, a Total Film Movie Blog Award for Best Cult Blog. Our plans for world domination through snarky reviews are slowly coming together…one blog award at a time. We’d like to thank Total Film Magazine for this honor and a big thanks to all our fans who voted for us. Well all except for you Wade. We never really liked you.

Jan

posted by admin | January 6, 2010 | Uncategorized

Comments Off on Lost Highway nominated for Total Film Magazine’s Best Cult Blog

We have just been nominated by Total Film (a top-rated film magazine from the UK) for Best Cult Blog. This is a HUGE honor for everyone here at Lost Highway. Please show your support by clicking here and voting for Lost Highway in the Best Cult Blog category. You have until Sunday, January 25th to cast your vote. And to anyone out there who is on the fence about voting, rest assured your vote really will count this time. Thank you for your continued support.

Oct

posted by admin | October 19, 2009 | Book Review, Review by Barry Goodall, Uncategorized

Comments Off on The Drive-In: A “B” Movie with Blood and Popcorn, Made in Texas by Joe R. Lansdale.

I’ve always had a fascination with the drive-in culture and mythos. Those times of watching a great b-movie out under the stars and making that long walk to the snack shop for that buttery snack are some of my best  teenage memories. I’ve gathered quite a few books about their history so a few years back when I ran across a novel with the “Drive-in” in it’s title, I had to give it read. It’s described as a living B-movie where the patrons of a drive-in become characters in a b-movie and are being directed by some malevolent alien forces. That sounded like fun campy storytelling to me and even it’s book cover suggested a sort of “Hitchhiker’s Guide” silliness. Don’t be fooled. This book is dark, twisted and bleak. Blood cults, cannibalism and the worse of humanity take root as societal norms break down and the horrifying popcorn king begins it’s reign of terror. Lansdale’s descriptive storytelling and compelling characters made it’s somber outlook on society all that more visceral to me. I found myself more trying to endure it’s twisted story than be entertained by it. I even had to take a break and watch a sitcom just to have a warm fuzzy feeling again. Retroman Steve says check it out but you’ll likely never look at drive-in popcorn the same way again.

Oct

posted by admin | October 15, 2009 | Uncategorized

Comments Off on Lost Highway joins the inner circle of horror blogging elite known as “The League of Tana Tea Drinkers”

The League of Tana Tea DrinkersDid you ever hear the conspiracy theory that a small elite group of people are actually running all the world’s governments? A secret society dictating world trade and policy decisions from the confines of a undisclosed location deep inside a underground bunker? Well it’s obviously true because I read it on the Internet.

Consider the League of Tana Tea Drinkers the equivalent to this in the horror blogsphere. A secret society whose powerful members have no finger prints, greet each other with elaborate hand shakes and can speak in an ancient dialect. They are a small select group of the horror blogging elite, the crème de la crème, and by gosh they just went and picked a b-movie watchin’ redneck to join their club. Yes the rumors are true, Lost Highway has officially been invited into the fold and we’re happier than a tornado in a trailer park to be here. It’s a huge honor to be a part of this talented group of passionate writers who exemplify excellence in the genre and we look forward to contributing our own brand of creative commentary. Now if you excuse me I need to check the mailbox to see if my members only secret decoder ring has come in yet.

“Be sure to drink your Tana Tea”

About the Highway

Lost Highway is your satirical detour down the twisted back roads of b-movies and cult films reviews. learn more >>