Take three episodes of The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, one episode of Dragnet, the first twenty minutes of a Star Trek episode, toss them in a blender, add a dash of LSD, and hit MIX. The end result would give you some kinda idea about what the hell Evil Brain From Outer Space is like. Maybe.

Similar to Devil’s Dynamite, Evil Brain From Outer Space is edited from several different films, in this case the Japanese series, Super Giant. As a result, the WTF Factor is off the chart. According to Professor Wikipedia, Evil Brian From Outer Space was allegedly edited from nearly three hours of footage, down to a sparse 78 minutes. The final product is a Spirograph of tights, masks, aliens, mutants, robots, evil plans, secret lairs, and child sidekicks.

And the cherry on top? It is also dubbed, giving us such classic lines like “The news is excellent!” and “You must always use them!”

Our hero, Starman, is sent to Earth, in a ballet costume, by some kinda ‘robo-council’ to find the titular brain. I think. There is some kinda brain in a jar, who is pulling the strings of crime, giving orders to different groups of baddies. The brain, as the title suggests, is indeed from outer space. And apparently evil. So, Starman, with his antenna headgear and stuffed undies, comes to save the day. I think. Speaking of undies, Starman and his leotard-clad foes feature, uh, ‘well defined’ areas south of the equator. In some cases, there is very little left to the imagination, and makes me glad this weren’t in 3D.

Evil Brain From Outer Space features just about every cliché villain you can name: One-legged man? Check. Evil scientist? Check. Guy with a hook? Check. Doctor with a scar? Check. Crazy-wheelchair-bound-doctor-who-is-faking-it-and-has-an-eagle-on-his-shoulder? CHECK. Let’s not forget the sub-plot of a pair of kids trying to locate the bad guys, so they can…um. Locate them, I guess, as Starman does all of the actual work, what with the punching, the kicking, and the prancing.

If you have the time, and an open jar of moonshine, give Evil Brain From Outer Space a gander. This concoction of random scenes, wacky characters, and ballet costumes makes for quite the interesting spectacle. Just keep yer eyes above the belt.

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Tiger Sixon is forced to watch B-movies from the comfort of a secret government base in Death Valley. He looks nothing at all like Daniel J. Hogan of Ginger and the Geek.

Ballet Costumes Leotards Tights Prancing Brain theft A brain in a jar Model boats An eyeball belt Negative flash frames Visible junk A one-legged man A man with a hook A man with an eagle on his shoulder Secret passages Secret lairs Mutants Aliens	4 BLOOD While there is plenty of fighting, it is pretty PG. 0 BREASTS This is a fairly kid-friendly film, so the ladies keep the tops on. 10 BEASTS Evil Brain From Outer Space features some of the most bizarre monsters I have seen, save for the time I went shopping on Black Friday. 5.0 OVERALL

“Parenthood”, a word that conjurs up all sorts of images in the pre-breeder’s imagination. A mom carrying some frozen pizza rolls with a screaming kid clinging to her sweatpants, or it’s the dad with the t-shirt that says “This is the roof to my tool shed” as he’s tossing kids into the back of a truck telling them to “go limp” if they hit anything. For some it’s fond memories, for others nightmare fuel and while the thought of a mini drooling poop maker of your very own is a bit scary, it can’t be half as bad as what the Davies family have to deal with in the 1974 cult classic “Its Alive.”

It’s been 12 years since their first child was born and the Davies finally get the chance to pump out another one, but this time it’s killing surgeons and wiping out the nursing staff. Yeah, this kid is either going to grow up to be a mass murder or a medical malpractice lawyer. No real reason is given to why the baby is a deformed killer but there’s talk of pollution, prescription drugs, and that binding crotch area of 70’s leisure suits.

John P. Ryan plays Frank the proud daddy. His happy days of fatherhood are soon snuffed out when he realizes his new born son is a cannibalistic mutant and will probably be talked about around camp fires for years to come. His wife played by Sharon Farrell goes completely bonkers after giving birth to the hell spawn but still wants to protect her mother lovin’ mutant. Maybe she could feed him some raccoons while it watches Barney reruns in the basement.

Frank’s life soon begins to unravel as his boss fires him from their PR firm so they can still maintain a “fresh wholesome image.” Nevermind all those swingers parties and cocaine hookers. His wife is pretty much off her rocker by now and Frank has to send their other non-mutant but still dimwitted son Chris over to their friend Charley. He’s hoping this whole killer baby thing is going to blow over so he tells his buddy to keep it on the down low about the little mutant brother. Chris would be so jealous. Frank has no intention of playing daddy and tracks the todler down at a school for some show and hell right after it tears through a lactose intolerant milkman and a cage dancing go-go girl. The baby escapes and the press continue to hound the family while some mad scientists are hoping to try to study it (or to create a master race of mutant killer babies, because that’s what scientists do.)

Chris ditches Charley’s house and runs back home finding his new brother locked away in their basement vowing to protect him and play endless games of “Chutes and Ladders.” That’s just before Charley bust in and gets his neck chewed into a pound of ground chuck. The infant flees into the sewers and Frank chases after him with a shotgun. He finds the baby hiding in a tunnel but totally wusses out when it puts on the sad puppy dog face and has to wrap the infant up in a blanket to sneak it home. Unfortunately the cops are waiting just outside so he hot potatoes the kid to a nearby scientist which it attacks and they’re both shot and killed by trigger happy cops. We’re left with the police informing Frank and his wife that another mutant was just discovered in Seattle thus finally revealing how grunge music was born.

Barry Goodall says go check out “It’s Alive.” It’s the sort of movie they should show in all those reproductive health classes to scare kids into abstinence. “And remember folks, don’t forget your baby’s feeding time or you could lose a finger.”

Multiple throat rippings No crying over spilt milk Non-swinging dead cat Sewer baby attack Surgery room massacre Monster baby cam Go-go dancer ankle assault	8 BLOOD Multiple throat rippings and an entire hospital team gets massacred. There’s more milk in this film than blood though. 0 BREASTS None…zippo, natta tatta. Not even a mutant breast feeding. 7 BEASTS Just one little blood thirsty ankle bitter but he does plenty of damage. Somebody should get this kid a pacifier. 8.6 OVERALL

Check out the trailer for “It’s Alive!”

General Relativity is a visitor from the 31st Century.  As a Level III Chrononaut, the General is a mid-level civil servant in the Time Enforcement Commission, which basically means he has to fill out a million forms every time one of you tries to go back to hunt a dinosaur or give AK-47s to the Confederates or whatever.   And no, he can not explain to you why John Connor looks completely different in every single Terminator movie, so don’t ask.

Aristotle.  Plato.  Confucius.  Descartes.  Swayze.  These philosophers laid the foundation for all modern thought.  At least that is what we learned in the Preston-Logan Spacetime Academy.  From Red Dawn to Road House to the indomitable Point Break (which in 3020 was named the greatest movie ever made by the Lundgren Council for the Arts), Swayze’s streak of profundity was unmatched by any 80s star.  In these mystical masterworks, Patrick Swayze was committed to the principles of an undefined and vague Tao of manly badassedness.  Unlike the others on the list of Great Minds, Swayze could nail a bodacious roundhouse kick.

“Steel Dawn” is unfortunately not a sequel to Swayze’s 1984 classic “Red Dawn.”  Rather, Steel Dawn is one of those post-apocalyptic westerns released in the wake of the success of “Road Warrior.”  It has most of the touchstones for that genre: mutants, primitive weaponry, lots and lots of desert, and hairstyles out of an 80’s hair metal music video.  The hair in this movie is a special effect.

We begin with the nameless Nomad (Swayze) performing a headstand at the top of a dune in the middle of a desert.  He is communing, because that’s what Swayze does.  Cthulhu-faced mutants emerge from the sand wielding car maintenance equipment and attack him.  Swayze kills them all using a fighting style I can only describe as “Dirty Dance Fighting.”  The principal technique associated with this obscure martial art is to execute a number of unnecessary somersaults and pirouettes before you spin your aluminum foil sword a few times.

From this promising beginning, I hoped that mutants would be the main villain of the film, just as they are in real life.  Unfortunately, the rest of the movie is pitifully lacking in mutants.  The real bad guys are humans rejected from a Mötley Crüe casting call and banished to a Pat Benatar music video.  After the members of Faster Pussycat kill Swayze’s master, Swayze wanders the desert looking generally irritated.  Or maybe he’s just tortured.  Or constipated.  Or tortured by constipation.

Not that he lacks a reason to be irritated, especially after he meets a woman named Ke$ha ( played in amazing crimped hair by Swayze’s real life wife Lisa Niemi).  Swayze befriends her son who is played by Jake Lloyd from “The Phantom Menace” and who gains an alarming amount of weight as the movie goes on.  Water is premium in the desert, and Ke$ha wants to build an aquaduct.  This is basically “Chinatown” but with characters named “Tark” and swords made of silver plastic.  The bad guys are after the water.  But Swayze, using somersaults and head-kicking, will teach them, and us, important lessons about man’s search for faith….

No Swayze film would be complete without his signature esoteric analects.  In this regard, “Steel Dawn” is an undiscovered treasure.  Now, presented without context, the lessons from “Steel Dawn”:

“Promise never to misuse this knowledge.  Before you fight you must first learn to meditate.”
“What’s the matter, never seen a grown man naked?”
“You shouldnt play with sharp objects.”
“A man needs his exercise.”
“I attract violence!”  (That is not the only thing you attract, dude.)
“You talk too much.”

Patrick Freakin’ Swayze Cthulhu Sapiens Mutants Somersaults Pirouettes Tinfoil Swords Sand More Sand Obscene Aquanet Abuse Proto-Jake Lloyd Wind-Powered Go-Carts Fighting with Staves Water Politics

3 BLOOD Although Swayze wields a menacing tinfoil sword, he mostly prefers to kick people in the face. 4 BREASTS There is a little tease of Swayze pecs while he’s bathing, but I was underwhelmed. Swayze and Brion James (of Blade Runner) stumble into some groupies while they are raiding the hair metal bad guys’ hideout, which is an abandoned Guns ‘n Roses concert stage, but no one seals the deal. 2 BEASTS Needz moar mutants! 3.0 OVERALL

The movie opens up as our main characters, Nazi (or ex-Nazi since this movie is told in flashback form) Conrad von Starke and former Jew Prisoner Lisa (that kinda looks offensive written out) as they share a tender moment and this is their wholesome, beautiful story of how they fell in love… ahem. As they charmingly frolic through the old campsite (that also seems offensive written out) and reminisce. And they certainly don’t hold back on the ‘last orgy’ thing as the following scene is a bunch of naked Nazi soldiers are ordered to rape a group of Jewish prisoners, but not to give them pleasure. But, by now you’re probably thinking to yourself, ‘Hey, how come the Nazi’s aren’t speaking German or have German accents?’ And you would be foolish to think that. This scene also features a slide show of a woman eating and smearing herself in a man’s feces, but that’s the lighter side to this scene. We should probably just move on.

The following wholesome scenes include an inmate who is disfigured by other inmates with forks (Oh yeah… apparently this is also a ‘women in prison’ type of movie), another who is fed to dogs because she is having her menstrual cycle and plenty of more guards having sex with inmates. Hey wait, where are you going?

But this is also where we see Starke become interested in Lisa because of her unbreakable spirit. Nothing he does to her, or the other prisoners, seems to bother her. She just stands motionless with a stone cold gaze. Maybe she is in shock that she said ‘yes’ to this film. Not even a dinner scene where the German Officers main course is the prisoners (Cannibalism too? Man, this movie has everything!), but they even set fire to a prisoner and have an orgy? I did warn you, it’s even in the title. Lisa’s torture and humiliation continues and she attempts suicide, but is saved by a doctor and we learn why Lisa is there, what she did and about her family. It’s actually a pretty compelling moment in the midst of all the horrible images and scenes going on.

Starke finally admits he has fallen in love with Lisa and she has fallen for him. She wears a belt made of scalps from former inmates as a sign of affection. Much cheaper than a ring! She gives birth to a baby only to have it taken away and killed (because why not? Just in case something in this film hasn’t offended you) since a ‘half breed’ would have no place in the new world according to Starke. This brings the movies conclusion as we see Starke attempting to make love to Lisa, but she removes a revolver from her purse… GASP! What happens next.

I would say we could make a drinking game out of this. Like, every time you are offended by something, but then the bottle would never leave your lips and you would drown yourself. And for the record, regardless of this story being about how a couple met, this isn’t a good date movie. I should know, but hey! How was I supposed to know this sort of thing repulses 99% of the population? Maybe if it starred Adam Sandler and Jennifer Aniston… Either way, this film does contain enough offensive material to make even a sex offender blush, but underneath is brutal revenge flick blending together several genres. So if you can stomach it, check it out.

Germans with English accents Cannibal Cookout Dog Meat Wieners and Buns! Women in Prison massacre Goose Steppin’ Nazi-o-Rama Femme Fatale Revenge	6 BLOOD You get some blood. You get some guts (quite literally). 9 BREASTS Nearly a moment doesn’t go by, but probly not in the way you want to see them. 8 BEASTS Chock full ‘o Nazis! 6.00 OVERALL

Shew! Things have been just crazy here! We’ve been doing some cleaning out and remodeling after the last visit from the health inspector. He doesn’t tend to score well when there’s human remains on the premises, so we had to take care of them… and him. But, we gave ourselves a modest score of 92 after we got all the blood off’n his clipboard, and had to make it through a bit of questioning by the authorities, but not to worry, we’re just fine and dandy. I had a couple of days off right before we reopened, and seeing as how things are a tad bit lonely in these parts, I decided to try out something a little romantical.  Which has brought me to Love Object.

Love Object is the tale of socially inept technical manual writer, Kenneth. He is hot to trot, but he doesn’t have the huevos to ask the cute new temp out. After a meeting with his mercurial supervisor, Mr. Novak, he’s given a difficult project with a ridiculous deadline and has to work in close quarters with the girl of his dreams, but instead of being normal and asking her out to coffee, he goes an alternate route.

One of his more helpful coworkers (that guy who keeps hardcore porn in the office- You all have one, I’m sure!) introduces him to ultra-realistic love dolls. This sends him into a tizzy, prompting him to visit his local purveyor of filth. The clerk at the porn store has some strange wine-colored rash and facial deformity, which startles our romeo, and keeps him from buying anything to add to his spank bank.

After considering the options of actually talking to the girl or spending $10,000 on a sex toy… you guessed it. He goes online and orders the custom-crafted Nikki doll, basing her physical features on his office temptress, Lisa.

He begins to recieve calls from his bank, asking about the charge, because it sent him into massive overdraft, but they’re giving him until the end of the month to pay the balance. Nikki is delivered by a man with one of those crazy rashes on his hand, and his creepy apartment manager starts poking his nose into his business, because large packages are everyone’s business, even the cop neighbor from downstairs.

I swear to my grandma, if my neighbors were this nosy, I’d either be acting as bizzare as possible on purpose, or I’d move out. These folks are listening through walls and trying to look into peep-holes and all that. That is not how adults interact with each other! If I caught someone looking into my peephole, they’d get a skillet upside the head! Err… well, maybe a stern talkin’ to. Yeah. That one.

He gets the box inside and unearths darling Nikki. He whips her out of the box and, well, you know. Yeah, you do. It’s not as sexy as it sounds, either. He tries to return her (EWW!), but then finds the instruction manual. Now, this thing is no manual, it’s a CD-Rom that just lights up all of tech-boy’s dials; complete with audio and pictures he can print out and tack up to his corkboard, if you know what I mean, and I KNOW you do!

He starts paying a lot of attention to Lisa the temp, and enacts all kinds of freaky scenarios, buying the silicone seductress clothes and lingerie, and even venturing back to the porn shop… where everyone has those weird rashes! Is the director trying to say something? If you’re kinky, you get a rash? Well, honey, if that’s the price for being kinky, then I should look like I’ve had full-body poison oak for 17 years.

The problem with him payin’ so much attention to Lisa is that Nikki is a jealous doll. Think Chatty Cathy, but with a realistic va-jay-jay, and a nastier temper. He wakes up to find she’s moved, changed wardrobe, even attacked his stalkery- um, no, not that, but his research- with a nice German kitchen knife.

He finally gets with the girl and is tired of all of Nikki’s bullcrap, hacks her into pieces, and throws her into the dumpster. Then he goes forth, forging a new romance with Lisa, dancing, making the sign of the three-throated cobra, even dressing her up like Nikki. Everything is roses, until…

She finds the advertisement for Nikki and freaks out (naturally!), dumps him, and he’s sent into the biggest tizzy of them all- tries to order a new doll and gets denied, he requests an advance on his bonus for writing the manual and gets fired, then he goes nuts and attacks Lisa.

He brings her back to his apartment and puts her in the specialized rig he made for Nikki. His apartment manager gets suspicious and comes into the apartment and sees her. Kenneth, (who is now sporting a crazy pervert rash of his own) kills him after Nikki the dismembered sex-doll calls him on the phone, and chops him up.

He has decided to plasicize Lisa, that way she can be his party-doll forever and ever. During a struggle, Lisa manages to send his plans to the office, hoping they’ll get it and send help.

Kenneth is officially off his nut now, and has Lisa tied down in the box that Nikki came in. He puts a needle in her femoral artery to drain her blood, and has a full embalming rig sitting there ready to go. She flips out (of course), and they have a decent little fight.

While this is happening, the apartment manager’s chopped-up bits have been found by the cops, and who else but his downstairs neighbor is in on the discovery! He tries to call Kenneth, but doesn’t get an answer. He decides to just drop in, and sees Lisa on top of Kenneth in dominatrix lingere, preparing to stab him with the very large, very sharp embalming needle! He wastes no time emptying his clip into Lisa. HOLY JEEZ!!

Kenneth gets his job back, plus he gets his bonus; Lisa is labeled as a psycho, and who gets a Nikki 2.0? You guessed it, ol’ rash-neck hisself.

I tell you what, this one is definitely an examination of relationships gone pear-shaped. I don’t much care for the director trying to be all high-and-mighty about what people should stick into themselves or vice-versa, but overall a very off-kilter flick. It really makes you feel off balance at times, especially when Lisa is revealed to not be the perfect doll Kenneth has made her out to be, and his hallucinations of Nikki attacking him are nuts. Check this one out!

Ultra-Realistic Silicone Love Doll Multiple aardvarking needle-fu tattoo-fu shock at body piercing limp noodle pervert rash mildy kinky behavior psychological trauma cubicle dwelling office politics-fu sexual deviancy 1 real head rolls 1 silicone head rolls Rip Torn-fu pink slip-fu	2 BLOOD 2 gallons of blood. 3 BREASTS Sorry fellas, I don’t count silicone ta-tas as the real kahunas 6 BEASTS Kenneth and Rip Torn, and anyone else with a pervert rash! 8.00 OVERALL

Our friends at www.superstrangevideo.com have gotten the exclusive rights to offer the 15th Anniversary of Midnight Blue on DVD. Midnight Blue is the twisted tale of a a mysterious woman  who runs the ultimate con on a poor unsuspecting executive Martin, played by Damian Chapa. Martin is a banker on a business trip when he is proposition by an apparent high-class call girl. She ditches him the next morning and he hires a detective to help find her only to meet her again at a party at his bosses houses. All isn’t what it appears to be and millions of dollars are up for stake. It’s a Hitchcock means Skinamax tale of betrayal and hidden lies. Also starring Dean Stockwell, Harry Dean Standon and Steve Kanaly.

Women in Cages continues The Big Doll House’s proud cinematic tradition of showing women behind bars (and the ‘trilogy’ was completed with the mashup-sounding, The Big Bird Cage). Although, there are very few real cages to be found. Jail cells, sure. Holes in the ground, yes. Cages, at least in the style familiar to birds as I hoped to see, were nowhere to be seen.

What Women in Cages does have in abundance is one of the Three B-movie B’s: Breasts. They are everywhere, like Bronies at a cosplay convention. You see breasts in the first few minutes, and you don’t really go more than about 22 frames before seeing another pair, or five. Breasts in Cages would be a more apt title. Actually, no. Breasts A-Go-Go would be even better (See also: Breast Friends, Bosom Buddies, Boobpocalypse Now).

The plot, such as it is, has a lady blackmailed with drug possession, and she’s sent to a hellish women’s prison by a judge with a robot voice. The judge ain’t really a robot, he just sounds like one (like the voices in my head). The sound quality, or lack thereof, is nothing short of hilarious. Some scenes sound like they were recorded with a garage sale Strawberry Shortcake Tape Recorder, and then buried in a damp basement for five years. Then there is the music. It seems to be on its own schedule, and starts and stops whenever it wants, no matter what is going on in the scene. Also on its own schedule are the ‘day for night’ shots—the lighting shifts more often than a NASCAR driver.

The prisoners are under the iron heel of the Matron Alabama, played by a young Pam Grier. When Grier ain’t seducing her female charges, she is torturing them in ‘The Playpen’ (which ain’t some kinda Thunderdome arena as I first hoped). One scene in particular brings new meaning to the phrase “fire crotch.”

Speaking of crotches, Women in Cages features some of the best cinematography ever. At least in regards to covering up a lady’s lower regions. Yes, a well-placed candle, bottle, book, or what-have-you always seems to take the spot of honor. Breasts, and behinds are displayed proudly, like medals of honor, but genitals are covered up like the Russian Moon Landing. The placement and framing of these items is nothing short of inspired.

But, the plot ain’t all whips, boobs, and cat fights. There is plenty of hilarity. A junkie is promised a fix if she can kill her cellmate—and she’s more inept than a blindfolded Saturday Morning cartoon villain (but with less facial hair). I half-expected her to yell, “Curses! Foiled again!” at times.

Women in Cages is ridiculous, over the top, and cheaply made—three of my favorite things (after whiskey, Smaller Wonder reruns, and whisky). Grier is reason enough to watch this film, and is quite the stand-out. As the Matron, Grier is as brutal and merciless as The Phantom Menace on an infinite loop.

Tiger says, give this one a watch, if only for the history lesson in exploitation films of the early 1970s. Women in Cages is a relic of its time, and it has an important, ageless message: Don’t do drugs in the Philippines.

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Tiger Sixon is forced to watch B-movies from the comfort of a secret government base in Death Valley. He looks nothing at all like Daniel J. Hogan of Ginger and the Geek.

Cat fights Poisoned sandwiches Torture Acid throwing A cock fight Two blondes One redhead Sweaty ladies Shives Rats Snakes Leeches Shock treatment Day for night hilarity Crazy sound Short skirts Creative crotch coverage

7 BLOOD Between cat fights, torture, and guns, there is plenty of blood to go around. . 10 BREASTS There are so many breasts, that if this movie was in 3D, you would poke an eye out. Hell, both. 10 BEASTS While not a beast in the ‘scaly monster’ sense of the word, the Matron is beastly in how she treats her charges at the prison. Don’t let the Matron’s good looks and seductive charm fool you—she is one tough customer. 9.0 OVERALL

My name is Cory A. Jones, and I’m writing this guest review for “Near Dark”. I’m a writer for metal-temple.com where I review Heavy Metal albums. I’m also a filmmaker of almost a decade. You can check out my comedy web-series “Carl’s House” on youtube, and you can send me a line at acidunlimited@gmail.com if want to leave any feedback.

Y’know what cheeses me off? As if the “Twilight” saga hadn’t sissified the vampire genre enough; the new DVD cover of “Near Dark” makes it look like some cheap knockoff of America’s favorite Vampire chick-flick. What better way to completely sell short one of the last decent Vampire flicks from the ‘80’s.

Near Dark has 2 things in common with Twilight; There’s Vampires, and there’s a love story. That’s it. Beyond that, there’s no comparison. Twilight has stupid pansy vampires, and stupid pansy werewolves who can go out in daylight and play stupid pansy vampire softball. Or Whatever. But let me ask you this question: If Twilight is so great; does it have Bill Paxton running around slashing throats with his boot-spurs? No? Well then it deserves less of my attention than a pimple on a giraffe’s scrotum.

So this story revolves around Caleb (Adrian Pasdar), a wannabe cowboy who tries to get some nookie from Mae (Jenny Wright) and ends up being turned into a vampire. He tries to run home after his car breaks down and ends up being kidnapped by Mae’s vampire kin. The group wants to kill Caleb, but decides to try and make him “One of us” after they realize that he’s turned undead.

Eventually Caleb helps them escape a run-in with the law and becomes their new member, and they set about wreaking havoc until they end up kidnapping Caleb’s little sister which forces him to choose his real family or his vampire crew. Notable performances include 3 (!) members of the ALIENS cast; Lance Henrikson as Jessie the vampire leader, Jeannette Goldstein as Jessie’s busty vampire girlfriend, and Bill Paxton as Severen the vampire family’s resident nutcase.

There are all kind of things that make this movie watchable, but not many that make it memorable (aside from anything Bill Paxton does in the movie). The movie is Directed by Kathryn Bigelow who would end up marrying James Cameron and making movies like the stylish Y2K conspiracy movie “Strange Days” and most recently  “The Hurt Locker” which got her one of those snazzy Oscar awards. The James Cameron connection is obvious in this movie because of the cast, and because of familiar lighting style of Cinematographer Adam Greenberg who was also the DP on the “Terminator” movies.

It was a pretty enjoyable vampire flick that should be seen by anybody needing an introduction to what REAL vampire movies are all about. Just be sure to show that person Leif Jonker’s DARKNESS (1993) first because that is a much better example. The Vampire meltdown is that flick outdoes this one by lightyears.

Roadside attractions

7.5 out of 10

Check out the trailer for “Near Dark”

Tagline: Jim Kelly is back and tougher than ever!

Year: 1978      Runtime: 88 min

Director: Tso Nam Lee

Writer: Hsin Yi Chang (screenplay), Pai Sheng Lu (screenplay)

Starring: Jim Kelly, Sing Chen and Tao-liang Tan

How do you say “beat down” in Cantonese?

“Black Belt Jones!!”

Normally the extra exclamation point is superfluous, but this is Jim “Stomp a Mud Hole in You” Kelly. Not being gratuitous is criminal.

One might ask, “When would you need this phrase?” Because in Black Belt Jones 2: The Tattoo Connection some Hong Kong gangsters have stolen the North Pole Star diamond. Black Belt Jones’ twin fists, Punch & Punch, are on a mission to connect with some faces.

Now, Black Belt Jones would normally care less about such mess, but this time it’s personal. Oh, no, wait a minute. It’s not. He just happens to work for the insurance company that’s covering the diamond. Still, someone’s got to pay. His ire was raised by the chairman of the board’s impassioned plea:

CotB: “Mr. Lucas [i.e. Black Belt Jones], the board of directors have given their approval for you to take any action necessary for the recovery of the North Pole Star.”

BBJ: “I’ve been known to be called the black 6 million dollar man.”

What kind of response is that? One of a man so enraged that he can’t even make no sense. Without delay he’s on his way.

Side Note: Even though he speaks English, Black Belt Jones delivers his lines like the English dubbing. “I’ve been… known to be called… the black $6 million man.” The filmmakers didn’t want his dialogue to stand out  too much from the rest of the acting.

Because this film takes place in Hong Kong, one of the “not America” countries you hear about on the PBS,  you expect things to be  a little different, but these people are way out there. For instance, take Black Belt Jones’ first outing with his friend on the police force; they visit a local whore house. Good a place as any to start the search, as prostitution is run by gangsters and gangsters are who he’s looking for. Thing is, the Madam knows the cop by name, and the particular girl he fancies.

Whoa! Say what?!

Better still, Black Belt Jones orders up some women. He may be ready to kick ass, but there’s no need to rush.

A film can’t be blaxploitation without some racialistic hatred. It’s not just the white man that slings the Uncle Tom discrimination. Take this exchange, between Nana, the strip club’s hottest act and Black Belt Jones:

BBJ: “That’s one thing I really admire about you, Nana, your oriental nature. Shall we make friends?”

Nana: “Let me tell you, I don’t want to because I don’t know you, and because you are black.”

Damn, oriental cracker! We’re all pink and juicy on the inside.

But where Nana might not be racially sensitive, she is a brilliant logician. When she is trying to get her boyfriend, Tin-hao, the boss’s right-hand man, out of the gang, she argues, “What’s the difference between a beggar and a robber? One gets his money illegally, one does not.”

Valid. Sound. A perfect argument. Advantage, and point, Nana.

Speaking of the boss, Mr. Lu, he’s not a very nice man. The big boss usually isn’t. One evening his manly needs require attention, and he chooses Nana. Problem is, she’s Tin-hao’s girl. Even though she’s turned away his advances before, this time no means yes.

So, she starts crying and… there’s tender music playing. Huh?! I was completely confused. Then, as Mr. Lu connects, there are sounds of race cars racing and flashes of a still picture of the Marlboro F-1 car. Huh!? I know that cigarettes are bad for you, deadly even, and racing is dangerous, but I don’t think either ever raped anyone? Although, truth be told, when I sat on the Marlboro Man’s lap one Xmas, he did rest his hand on my thigh for an uncomfortable amount of time, but that’s something totally different.

Tin-hao hands out relentless beatings worse than those received by a 16 year old’s wee-wee. Yet, he’s got a soft heart. After his girlfriend is raped, his heart starts to harden, particularly towards Mr. Lu. This sets up the final boss fight scene, Mr. Lu vs Tin-hao and Black Belt Jones. I’ll not spoil the explosive ending, but I will say that Tin-hao promises that when he’s out of jail, in a year and a half (life is very cheap in Hong Kong), he’s going to the States to hang with his new best friend, Black Belt Jones.

In closing I’d be remiss if I failed to give you one bit of warning: there is so much polyester my nipples got sympathy chafing just watching it. Before you fire up this movie, slather on a dollop of Vaseline, runner’s nipples is no joke.

Pastel Credits to Stroke Out To Bolo Yeung Crooning The World Standard for AWE-some Fro Kung Fu Groin Hit Combo Breaker	8 BLOOD They went light on the Louisiana Hot Sauce Blurd™, but there was plenty of internal hemmoraging from the beat downs. 7 BREASTS At least three different scenes with bare breasts to carry the film through the non-fighting parts. 10 BEASTS Bolo Yeung, ’nuff said! 8.3 OVERALL

Check out the trailer for “Black Belt Jones 2: The Tattoo Connection”