If you’re going to watch one dubbed Asian film about vampires, gamblers, ninja, and tinfoil clad warriors, it may as well be Devil’s Dynamite. Why? Because I doubt another film does as much justice to these subjects. Or even puts them together.

Devil’s Dynamite is a “You got peanut butter in my chocolate/You got chocolate in my peanut butter” situation: it feels like two different films were edited together to form one wacky cinematic cocktail. Film A is about a baddie using vampires to do his evil deeds. Said vampires even do some of these wicked deeds in the day time. And they hop. Yes, hop. In unison. They also have blue skin, and can be kept in check by sticky-notes on their foreheads.

And where is our street walking Hercules to fight these vampires? We find him in, as the film so excellently puts it, “That damn Futuristic Warrior!” Yes, the Futuristic Warrior appears at first to be just an Average Joe. But, in the blink of an eye (or to be more specific, a jump cut) Average Joe can change into the tinfoil covered, motorcycle helmet wearing Futuristic Warrior (who also has the ability to burn children with his touch. Yep). Besides his goofy helmet, the Futuristic Warrior sports a kickin’ neckerchief, too. 90% of fighting vampires is style. The other half is just showin’ up.

Devil’s Dynamite also teaches us, if you punch a vampire hard enough, they disappear in a cloud of smoke. Now you tell me! All that money wasted on hand-carved, artisan stakes.

Film Two in Devil’s Dynamite is some kinda gangster revenge flick. A fallen from grace “gambling king,” just got out of the slammer and is looking for his secret cache of gold. I think. There is something about a kidnapping, and his ex-wife marrying a new boyfriend, but my brain had melted after the Futuristic Warrior/blue vampire sitch. An hour into the 80+ minute film, and I had no idea what was going on.

Was this a bad thing? Nah. The confusion and “What the French toast?” moments made Devil’s Dynamite quite a hoot. In the waning minutes of the film, there is an attempt to marrying Film A and Film Two with a bit of short dialogue, but it really didn’t matter. In a film with a guy in tinfoil suit punching blue vampires (during the day), who cares about plot?

While Devil’s Dynamite is more confusing than trying to read War and Peace upside down, it is highly entertaining and will stick to your ribs: “Why do the vampires hop?” “What’s the Futuristic Warrior’s story?” “Is that little girl actually a ghost?” Tiger says, call the gang over and give this one a watch, you are in for a treat.

plastic vampire teeth gang fights knife eye-poking body painting ninja UNDEAD ninja bloody swords blue vampires hopping vampires evaporating vampires tinfoil suits crazy martial arts creepy kids anti-sorcery mirrors bad ass priests	10 BLOOD As expected in any vampire flick, there is plenty of neck biting. Throw in a few ninja and some gangster brutality, and you have a blood bath on yer hands. 2 BREASTS We see one lady in a bathing suit, but that is it. 10 BEASTS Hopping, blue faced vampires and undead ninja (I think). What more could you want? Besides a plot, that is. 7.3 OVERALL

We received this letter today along with a delicious pecan pie wrapped in a used Wonderbread sandwich bag. We are currently working with local police to resolve this matter and find out how to get more pie.

To: Lost Highway

I’m not rightly sure who I need to direct this to, but I figure it only fair I let y’all know what happened.
It was an accident, really; I mean; this broad was crazy! She came in to the diner, muttering something about patty melts and proper place settings, and plopped herself down in a booth. I went over and gave her a cup of coffee, and ran down the specials. She ordered Bubba’s Barnyard Slaughter breakfast, which isn’t unusual at 3am; folks tend to crave chicken fried meats in the night, so it didn’t ruffle my petticoats. What did raise my eyebrow was the way she cut her eggs; all symmetrical and weird. I had other tables to tend to, so I didn’t pay her too much attention. I dropped her check, and the next thing I know, she was gone, her money on the table. Exact change, no tip! That pissed me off a little, but it happens.

Anyway, I’m taking the garbage out around 4:45, and I hear a ruckus at the dumpster. I turned the corner, and there she was, throwing bags and stuff into MY dumpster! I hollered at her, and she turned on me.

I told her to be cool, I wasn’t looking for a fight, she just needed to scram, I wouldn’t call the cops or nothing! She wasn’t listening, and she came at me, big as Christmas! I swung that bag of swill I was carrying right into her, and it busted all over her. Coffee grounds, cigarette butts, food… oh, it was nasty! She screamed and dropped her knife, she fell to her knees in all that yucky stuff, and looked at me. Before she could say or do anything, Bubba cracked her skull with his skillet. I guess the racket made him come outside to see what was going on, and he won’t abide by anyone pulling a stunt like that at his diner.

So, long story short, Donna Bleed has shuffled off this mortal coil. I couldn’t help but notice she wrote about crazy movies, there’s a whole list here I guess she was planning to watch; and if there’s one thing I love, it’s a drive-in movie; so I figured since I’m indirectly responsible for smashing her brains in, and directly responsible for wrapping her body in visqueen and sticking it in the walk-in freezer, I could take up her slack for y’all.

Blood and Kisses,
Die-Anne Takillya

An Australian couple goes tromping through the wilderness while getting the smack down from mother nature in 1978’s  ”Long weekend.” Marcia (Briony Behets) is the whiny self absorbed wife, while John Hargreaves plays Peter, a surfer dude whose more worried about his dog than their relationship. They’ve been bickerin’ ever since Marcie had an affair which ended with an abortion and Peter hopes a trip to a secluded beach might help smooth things over. Nobody in town had ever heard of their secret vacation spot so they end up running over a kangaroo and listening to their mandatory Men at Work cassettes instead. After sleeping the night in the jeep they discover that the beach was right next to them to whole time. Apparently, nobody noticed that big blue ocean thing that whole time.

Most of their camping days are spent choppin’ down trees, spraying insecticide and leaving garbage everywhere. Marcie smashes some eagle eggs, shoots a sea cow and Peter gets in a quick round of target practices with a flock of seagulls. Not a couple you’ll likely see at a PETA rally. Fortunately Mother nature fights back and Peter gets dive bombed by a bald eagle (…Heck YEAH AMERICA!!!) and then gets sucker punched by a fruit hoarding possum.

At night they hear ghostly cries of the dead sea cow and Marcia starts going completely bonkers taking off with the jeep leaving Peter alone with just a harpoon and his overwhelming body funk to defend himself. The sea cow carcass shows up again for the solo-beach party but even closer to camp than before and Peter has to torch it like a deep fried turkey. Meanwhile, Marcia who senses danger about as well as a bowl of oatmeal, gets stuck in a heap of spider webs only to be harpooned by Peter who mistakes her for a land roving sea cow. Consider the divorce final.

Peter in his grief wanders back through the woods, gets attacked by some woodchucks and ends up getting side swiped by a semi-truck on the highway. Thus putting an end to the worse ever honeymoon and the longest anti- littering campaign in film history. I’d hoped they’d get gnawed to death by a rare red-back sloth, or maybe smothered by rabid Koalas instead. There’s just so many other painful ways to die in Australia (#25 on the rejected Australia tourism slogan list.)

Barry Goodall says talk a walkabout and check out “Long Weekend.” You’ll be thankful your relationship isn’t as bad as these two drongos and remember to  always keep the harpoon safety on during domestic disputes.

Surfer skeet shooting Bald eagle attack Possum mugging Sea cow stalking Harpoon to the throat Littering kangaroo hit n’ run	6 BLOOD A few good gushers but most of it’s from a wounded sea cow. 7 BREASTS Australian topless sunbathing, it’s mandatory. 9 BEASTS Snakes, sea cows, eagles, spiders, ants, birds, kangaroos, and a possum. It’s like a prison break at the Zoo. 8.00 OVERALL

Check out the trailer for “Long Weekend”

As Pa Sixon used to say, “Does this look infected?” Wait. I mean, “Christmas ain’t about bein’ with people ya like. It’s about bein’ with family.” And bein’ with family is a main theme of the 1984 post-apocalyptic-zombie-horror-romance-comedy, Night of the Comet.

Christmas is around the corner for sunny California and Santa, or perhaps maybe the Krampus, is bringin’ one heck o’ a gift: a comet. We learn it is, more or less, the same comet what knocked out the dinosaurs 65 million years ago. Shoot, ya don’t a comet for that—just feed ‘em some of Ma Sixon’s tuna surprise served at room temperature. While everyone is partying about the comet (because I guess that is what you do in California), Regina (Catherine Mary Stewart) is stuck workin’ at the local movie theater—which involves beating a mysterious high score on Tempest and scoring with the projectionist in the booth (to use the film’s vernacular, “making it”). Ah, to be an 18 year old girl in the 80’s again.

Back home, Regina’s mouthy little sis, Sam (Kelli Maroney), gets slapped around by her step mom—who is throwin’ a comet party of her own. One problem: once the comet arrives, everyone outside is turned to dust. And those what ain’t turned to dust, are turned into zombies. Regina wakes up after a night o’ lovin’ to find the streets filled with piles of dust, and a dash of occasional zombie. A tender moment ensues when Regina finds Sam, now (thankfully) clad in a cheerleader outfit. In an effort to find survivors, the pair goes to the local radio station (which has more neon lights than a Blade Runner convention in Las Vegas). At the station, they meet future Star Trek Voyager regular, Hector (Robert Beltran). That’s right, Commander Chakotay comes to the rescue.

Uh, sort of. As we learn, the girls’ dad is in the military–he trained the pair how to fight and use guns, so they can handle themselves (although Sam wishes Hector would handle her).

Because the film was made in the ‘80s, we are treated to a shopping montage set to a non-Lauper version of Girls Just Want to Have Fun, while Regina and Sam have the run of the mall. This was a requirement for most ‘80s films, along with Steve Gutenberg. Meanwhile, there is a secret underground group, with a maze for a logo, keeping tabs on survivors. They decide to bring a few back to the base, and hilarity ensues. By which I mean, stuff gets blown up.

Deep down, Night of the Comet is about family: two sisters are on their own and realize, despite pissin’ each other off from time to time, they are all they have. The girls also realize they need to stick together with Hector if they want to survive (and Regina hopes her and Hector really stick together), and form a new family o’ sorts.

While fairly tame by today’s standards, there is enough blood and violence to go around, and Night of the Comet leans heavily toward the goofy side of the post-apocalyptic meter. Night of the Comet, like any quality b-movie, is a campy, blood-soaked hoot. Give this one a watch–just don’t forget yer hairspray and leotard.

neon lights leotards cheerleading outfit sunglasses at night shopping montage zombies future star trek actors retro video games exploding cars blood stealing keyboard whacking big hair bloody wrenches secret bases MAC-10s	6 BLOOD Not too bloody, but plenty it when it counts. 5 BREASTS While we never see Sam totally topless, she gets down to a bra in one scene, and jumps up and down in a nighty in another. 10 BEASTS Lots of zombie action, including kid zombies. 7.00 OVERALL

Check out the trailer for “Night of the Comet”

from Donna Bleed.
On the 1st day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a cop in a wife beater shirt

Die Hard
“Explosions, gunfights, Bruce Willis screaming like a wookie, foul language that upsets grandma, and of course, Christmas in Hollis being blasted in a limousine. What more could you ask for?”

On the 2nd day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 2 creeper phone calls.

Black Christmas
“I know, cliche, but this is one of the best psycho-in-the-house movies ever made. Drink more wine, Margot, it’ll be alright!”

On the 3rd day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 3 annoying rich kids.

Home Alone
“Shut up. It’s funny, alright? DON’T JUDGE ME!”

On the 4th day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 4 groping Santas.

Christmas Evil
“It’s no Silent Night, Deadly Night; but it’s all about who’s naughty and nice, and knowing that it really doesn’t matter, everybody’s gonna get snuffed!”

from Andrew Peters

On the 5th day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 5 catholic school nuns.

Silent Night, Deadly Night
“I remember renting these movies in the big box as a kid, so these always strike me as my holiday movies as opposed to Charlie Brown’s Christmas Special or A Christmas Story. SNDN is about a boy whose parents are murdered and he’s raised in an orphanage, abused and confused. He grows up and plays Santa at a local toy store he works for. This sets him off on a killing rampage with eerie music and great gore effects (although most of these are only seen in the uncut version).”

On the 6th day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 6 wrestling has-beens.

Santa With Muscles
“This is one of those movies where my parents took me to the video store around the holidays and told me to pick out a movie. Like the foolish child I was, I immediately spied one with Hulk Hogan wearing a Santa hat and thought, “Oh wow! This one has Hulk Hogan! This is sure to be a treat!” But I would find out that this treat is made from dog crap and pig vomit. This movie is the equivalent of my older brother tricking me into something I didn’t want to do. Lousy acting and a plot that involves Hogan playing an obnoxious fitness guru who gets amnesia and thinks he’s Santa. It’s sappy and horrible, but it’s worth a laugh.”

On the 7th day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 7 killer snowmen.

Jack Frost
“A murder becomes a vengeful snowman. Frosty goes Jeffery Dahmers.”

On the 8th day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 8 impromptu c-sections.

Inside
“The French are crazy. First High Tension and now this. A woman waiting to give birth on Christmas Eve is trapped in her home, when a stranger arrives and wants to carve the baby out of her stomach. Now, there is a reason behind all of this and it’s quite a gory experience. As with and dubbed movie, the dubbing is atrocious, but everything else is entertaining and frightening. Easily one of my favourite holiday movies.”

from Tiger Sixon

On the 9th day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 9 fury Magwais

Gremlins
“A great cautionary tale ‘bout exercising good judgment when pickin’ out a gift for yer little one.”

On the 10th day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 6 80’s flashbacks.

Scrooged
“A very ‘80s retelling of the oft-remade A Christmas Carol, featuring the scroogiest Scrooge of them all, Bill Murray.”

On the 11th day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 11 Vern shout outs

Ernest Saves Christmas (1988)
” The lovable and goofy Ernest does his best to save the holiday. Ernest even sings”

On the 12th day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 12 shots for rabies

Batman Returns
Even the Batman celebrates Christmas. Instead of leaving lumps of coal, he just leaves lumps on someone’s head.

Satellite enhanced Rescue Device
People always bring their cell phones on a camping trip but rarely in a b-movie do they ever get a signal. We suggest the ACR Satellite 3 406 Cat II EPIRB with satellite uplink so you can be rescued or at least the authorities can easily find your body. Double the technology, double your chances of survival.

Meat Cutting Kit
Need to dismember any cabin friends who have been turned into demonic drooling monsters? This custom meat cutting kit will help get rid of even the tiniest parts for quick easy burial or fridge storage. Garbage bags and a police alibi not included.

Woman Running Shoes
Ladies, it’s time to ditch those high heels on those camping trips. No more tripping and falling while being chased by a masked psycho.These quality running shoes not only look great, but will help you burn calories while avoiding that machete.

Air Cleaner
Sure, you’ve been summoning demons from the underworld all day, but you’ve got dinner guests coming over at 5 and your house smells like the devil’s armpit. We suggest this heavy duty air cleaner to help. It won’t get rid of the evil, but it will just smell like it did.

Anti-Zombie Survival Kit
As seen on the hit TV show “The Walking Dead.” It’s every blade you’ll ever need against a zombie horde. It’s like a smorgasbord of zombie slaying. Just don’t take too long to decide with blade to use or you could end up zombie chow.

No-Flat Tire Kit
Tired of getting a flat tire in front of old creepy mansions and then having to knock on their door for help ending up a lab experiment in their basement? This tire kit that will seal up your tire tighter than a swamp creature’s sphincter muscle. Also good for helping seal walls that are maybe leaking… or bleeding.

Cross Bow
This high-tech cross bow is great against vampire with optional sharpened wooden arrows (not included). Evil beware when the renaissance festival lets out and everyone grabs one of these babies on sale. Now this is a stake well done.

Super Soaker – Filled with Holy Water
Good for purging demons and vampires or just annoying your neighbors dogs. Add garlic spice sauce for extra colorful exploding undead. It’s like a holywater carwash.

Hockey Equipment
In the post apocalyptic world, gas will be in short supply, cities will be decimated…and there won’t be any place to buy a good pair of cargo pants. Luckily there will be plenty of hockey equipment lying around since there’s no more ice rinks. It might not look good but could be a great defense against a outlander psycho whose been drinkin’ washer fluid and wants to use your skull as a flip top trash can.

Hovercraft
Need to get away in a hurry? Why not hop in your personal hovercraft. Flee from that evil haunted swamp, fly over that flooded bridge and get home just in time to watch “Dancing with the Stars.” It even has two seats so pick the friend you like most and say adios to the rest of the zombie bait.

Stud Detector
Help find secret passages in the walls of that creepy mansion you just bought dirt cheap on Craig’s List. Watch out for hidden dead bodies and gateways to hell.

Latin Translation Book
Don’t you hate it when you discover an ancient book bound in human flesh but can’t read it’s ancient Latin writing? Well now you can translate it and raise demons until the cows come home. Also great for reading warnings scrawled in blood on cave walls. Look for the iphone app for demonic resurrection on the go.

Chuck Norris Book
Yeah, we thought it was an oxymoron as well seeing Chuck Norris and the word “book” together, but now you can learn how to dodge bullets, or shoot in the general direction the bad guys and hit them all. There’s an extensive tips on beard grooming and includes a free certificate for being a honorary Texas Ranger. Round-house kick to the face not included.

EMF Sensor
Sure you got a great deal on that quaint little house in Maine next to the old cemetery, but it’s only because there’s been dozens of grizzly deaths there since the civil war. Now detect whether ghosts are hiding out in the kitchen and prove to your neighbors that you aren’t insane…you’re just really creepy.

Grow a Frog Kit
Is your city being overrun by giant mutant flies? Create your own giant frog…also easily adaptable to increase the growth of other mutant animals like piranha, ants, alligators. It’s make your own mutant army, just add water…and some radioactive uranium ore if you can find any.

Uranium Ore
Oh look, it’s radioactive Uranium Ore…Amazon really does sell everything.

Nerd Lenses
If you’re a girl, you can greatly increase your chances of survival by appearing at least to be the nerdy quiet white girl. Wear these fake glasses and be sure to avoid having sex, doing drugs or listening to loud rock music.

Anti-UFO Bazooka
Keep it in back of your pickup next to the dog. It’ll help ward off any would be alien abductors cruising in their spaceships for a good time. Probe this ya alien scum!

Armor Suit
Help prevent zombie or demon bitings and subsequent infection with flexible breathable lining. Also ideal for scavenging in a post apocalyptic forbidden zone (see hockey equipment,)

Inflatable Decoys
When being pursued by a masked psycho, you may find them unstoppable killers but they’re also dumb as a log. Dress one up as their dead mother to distract them while you sneak away.

Ancient Pendants
Unleash the unholy powers of ancient Aztech demons and take over the world. Warning, may cause skin lacerations and a uncontrollable tendancy to laugh menacingly at your enemies. You may also have the urge to adopt a hell hound for a pet and name him Mr. Fluff N. Stuff.

Roadside Attractions:

- exploding heads
- extreme nasal probes
- triple-breasted martians
- eye bulging
- dwarf with machine guns
- robot cab drivers
- rat shooting
- multiple head shots
- tummy baby mutants
- drill to the gut
- hologram shooting

Now here’s the Doktor’s Review of Thankskilling for those of you that have woken up from your tryptophan coma.

Tagline: Gobble Gobble Mother F****r

Year: 2009 Runtime: 70 min

Director: Jordan Downey

Writer: Jordan Downey (writer), Kevin Stewart (writer), Bradly Schulz (additional dialogue), Anthony Wilson (additional dialogue) & Grant Yaffee (additional dialogue)

Starring: Wanda Lust, Natasha Cordova and Lindsey Anderson

A big bare breast is the first shot. BAM! Straight out the gate. This movie knows exactly who it’s for and where it’s going. Just so there is no confusion, this is NOT the film to pop in after the ball game on Thanksgiving. What the film is: pure fart jokes without the high-brow posturing. Take the “named” actress in the film, porn star Wanda Lust. Nothing says pure class like a second string porn star. And just to be cheeky, she plays a Puritan woman. This film is subtle as a ruptured testicle.

Everything about this movie oozes Grade B Government Cheese. And yet, I find it incredibly hard to believe that Troma had nothing to do with this film. Hmmm… but I digress.

The story is the usual hapless-college-kids-run-into-a-crazed-killer-in-the-woods schtick, but the twist is the killer in this film is a foul-mouthed turkey, named, quite ingeniously, Turkie. As the story goes, Turkie was necromanced by a powerful Native American magician to seek revenge for the indigenous peoples, flora and fauna of North America. When raised, Turkie only goes after the group of people he first encounters. Why? Uhm… Hey, there’s Milk Melons in the first shot!

How does one raise Turkie? Well, I’m glad I asked. There are two ways, and, as the filmmaker could never decide which he liked better, he left both in the film to further confuse and frustrate us. But, hey, there are Paw Patties right off the bat. The first explanation, he just comes back every 505 years in some kind of “now you don’t, now you see him” kind of thing. Granted, that doesn’t make much sense, and it REALLY doesn’t work out mathematically with the first Thanksgiving mentioned in the beginning… but then again, there were Dairy Dumplings in the first shot. The second explanation, someone’s dog can unwittingly pee on his totem pole. Wouldn’t you know it, right after them Sweet Sweater Spuds, we see a local redneck and his dog who are out… uhm… doing something, and the dog pees on this random miniature totem pole. The earth quakes, out shoots some blur and puppy falls down dead.

Oh, and hilarity ensues.

Now, I know that you’re asking yourself, “Hey, why does Turkie go after the college students when he is supposed to only go after the group of people he first encounters, i.e. the redneck and his dog?” To which the answer is: Juicy Jugs! In the first shot!

I could go on, but I don’t want to ruin all the artful expletives and complex plot, so I’ll end with this bit of teaser: Turkie dies in the end.

Still, the film closes with a title card that reads, “To be continued… IN SPACE!”

When I saw that the filmmaker had a Kickstarter project to fund Thankskilling 2 a few months back, I gladly sent my money. Stay tuned for more Turkie, and possibly more Num-Nums.

Rent-A-Center Ted Nugent as the hermit redneck Divorce announced by laying a turd in the coffee pot Cartoon flashback to tell the creation myth Turkie raping the hot brunette Flappy Funbags	8 BLOOD Head explosion, Turkie busting out of Fat Guy’s stomach, neck slit, tongue and heart pecked out, electric meat carver to the gut, face ripped off, etc 6 BREASTS Did I mention, Tig Ole’ Bitty is the FIRST SHOT of the film? 6 BEASTS Turkie the foul-mouthed hand o’ Native American vengence 6.00 OVERALL

Check out the trailer for “Thankskilling”

In honor of national bird carnage we’re also giving away a signed copy of the best and only thanksgiving horror film, “Thankskilling” on DVD. It’s a great movie to gather the family around after deserts and before the in-laws break out the homemade whiskey. Check out our Lost Highway fan page for more details on how to win.

…and now the highway mutants give you their best b-movie scenes involving food. Sorry, Gas-X not included.

Food of the Gods
Just like that green mole on my back, Thanksgivin’ is here again. But, unlike the return of my mole, Thankgivin’ at least means a tasty meal. Plenty of B-movies feature food scenes, so here is one of my favorites from, what else, Food of the Goods. -Tiger Sixon

Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child
It’s a Bulimia nervosa nightmare when Freddy starts stuffing his victims like a thanksgiving turkey. Bon apet-die. – Barry Goodall

The Stuff
And up through the ground came a bubblin goo. Alien that is. – Barry Goodall

Troll 2
You don’t piss on hospitality…. or electric fences, but you sure as heck don’t eat food covered in green goo. – Barry Goodall

The Horror Show
This one will make ya wanna steer clear of the butterball turkey this year. – Barry Goodall

Drag me to Hell
Not to be ‘punny,’ but all Hell breaks loose at the dinner table when cursed cutie Christine tries to impress her fiancee’s parents with some down-home cooking. Her Harvest Cake’s main ingredient seems to be flies!
-Donna Bleed

Twilight Zone: The Movie
Poor Helen is subjected to one of the most awkward birthday dinners ever! The food alone is horrifying, but just wait, the terror is just around the corner!-Donna Bleed

Dead Alive
And you thought your Thanksgiving dinners were uncomfortable! -The Doktor