The Lost Highway's B-movie Reviews and Cult Films
Nov

posted by admin | November 25, 2007 | 80's movies, Action, B-movie Reviews, B-movies

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Death Wish 3

“ok tell me again which end the bullets come out of?”

After the carnage of another Thanksgiving day bloated and sleepy, I couldn’t stomach another gruesome horror movie blood bath so instead sat down with a copy of the vigilante movie Death Wish 3. Nothing like a Charles Bronson film to help regulate the old digestive tract. Have I seen the first 2 yet? nope…I figured third times the charm though and really do I need to understand the intricate plots of the first two movies to understand this film? It’s pretty much Charles Bronson with a big gun shooting up bad guys who have poor aim. That really sums up most of the plot of this movie. But what a glorious ballet of old western style vigilante shootouts I’ve ever seen.

Charles Bronson plays Pual Kersey who is accused of a crime he didn’t commit while visiting an old friend in a bad part of town. (acting without a license?). Kersey is arrested but offered a deal by the head balding cop of which there is many. He can murder all the street villains he wants as long as he occasionally calls in and lets the cops know about it. Sounds like a fair deal so Kersey moves into an apartment building in the mean part of the town that looks like a demilitarized zone. The building is occupied mostly by elderly people harboring giant shotguns and pistols and addictions to stuffed cabbage just waiting for a crazy man in a mustache to lead them to destroy the neighbor youth. When Senior Citizens go bad.

The neighborhood is ruled by a gang leader known as the Fraker who played by Gavan “check out my haircut” O’Herlihy. The gangs dressed in a variety of strange ensembles they found at a bargain bin costume store harass the residents and sneak thorugh windows stealing TV sets. Obviously their punishment should be death by a 52 magnum! So Kersey lays down his own law and sets up some mcgyver-like boobie traps for them. people are stabbed, shot with machine guns, thrown from rooftops, set on fire, ran over by cars, beaten with chains, blown-up with missile launcher, kicked, strangled, bludgeoned, and there’s even a few mighty evil glares exchanged. Between all the carnage Kersey even falls in love with a public defender played by Deborah Raffin who is young enough to be his daughter. After they spend the night together she dies in a horrible car accident only to further the revenge fuel for the fire and get back to the killing. The movie finale is great with a huge death toll on the gangs side while Bronson and his magnum walk through the city streets picking off bad guys like some sort of shoot-em up videogame.

I can’t say this is a great movie. In fact it’s pretty laughable but worth watching for the battle royal at the end. Also listen for the insane 80’s soundtrack…everything is emphasized with a 80’s Casio keyboard riff chord even when someone flashes their headlights it apparently needs some music support. Absolutely hilarious.

Keep an eye out for…

– renaissance festival reject gang members
– home tooth removal kits
– extreme foot acupuncture
– geriatric gun control
– reverse mowhawk tattoos
– spikes to the forehead
– extreme stuffed cabbage dinners
– missile launcher pest control
– gratuitous use of an 80’s soundtrack

Charles Bronson has only two speeds, walk and kill.

rated 7.2 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for Death Wish 3

Nov

posted by admin | November 22, 2007 | Uncategorized

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Well I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving. We’re going to get hammered with a snow storm here in Michigan so looks like we won’t be heading up north. I have a 4 day weekend so I should be able to sneak in another b-movie review this week. Save some pumpkin pie for me. I was just thinking wouldn’t The Great Pumpkin from The Charlie Brown cartoon make the world’s largest pumpkin pie? mmmmm…yummy.

Check out the trailer for the fake horror movie Thanksgiving that was a part of the Grindhouse double feature. WARNING: THIS TRAILER IS RATED R!

Nov

posted by admin | November 20, 2007 | Horror movies

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Freddy vs. Jason

“The Craftmatic adjustable dead”

Well It’s nearing the end of yet another disappointing MSU football season. The great rivalry game between Michigan and Michigan State ended in yet another tragedy for us Spartan Fans. I swear it’s only when I watch or listen to a football game that we lose, and I sooooo hate losing to those spoiled rich snobs wearing the Corn and Blue. I refuse from here on out to watch any Spartan football game thereby hopefully removing my curse that is on the team and shall now only receive ESPN updates via email along with Viagra ads. I really think our players should be required to watch the movie 300 before every game for some motivation. I mean 300 Spartans held off the Persian army…you’d think we could handle some small furry mammals who call themselves “wolverines.” When is the last time we even had a real wolverine in Michigan? Aren’t they just in Alaska now? We’ll we’d kick their butt in Hockey there anytime.

Freddy vs. Jason is another great rivalry for the ages. The man in the Christmas sweater takes on the world most ticked off hockey goalie in a no holds barred fight to the finish. Freddy is stuck in Hell..which I imagine is a lot like being stuck holding your wife’s purse at Target so he obviously wants to get out and quick. But the only way to do that is to get people to start remembering who is so he can get his power back from their fear. Disguised as Jason’s mother he tricks Jason ( apparently also vacationing in the same part of hell) to head back to Elm St. and scare up a little fear among the local teenagers. But Jason can’t get enough of the killing and starts taking away Freddy kill bonus points for his own score.

Meanwhile A local teen Lori played by Monica “stop staring at my chest” Keen learns about how the town is ran by an inept police force who covered up Freddy’s existence and locked away any surviving kids in a mental hospital. Lori begins to investigate which leads to bad dreams and some of her friends ending up gouged and folded in half like a manwich of death. Amazingly she holds herself together well enough to go to a local rave party out in a corn field. Because when your in mourning it’s time to dance and the safest place to be with a killer on the loose is a cornfield. You’d think nobody would ever move to this town after it’s previous history of carnage. It must have some amazing real estate value and some great schools.

Jason being the big party crashers he is soon shows up and starts his rendition of teenage wasteland getting doused with Alcohol and set on fire. All pretty typical for anyone at a rave party so it takes a while for anyone to notice. Never have you seen so many dumb teenagers get in Jason’s path of slicing destruction all seemingly running up to him in confusion hoping to be spared a horrific death. It’s a corn field people…try not to run towards to guy on fire wearing the hockey mask!

Eventually Freddy ends up in Jason’s world from a quick cop-a-feel by mammary enhanced Lori while they’re driving Jason back to Crystal lake in their Scooby-Doo van. Jason been taking a deep snooze via some elephant size tranquilizers injected in his neck for the trip so Lori enters Jason’s dreams to grab a hold of Freddy and bring him back to reality. With home court advantage you can put wages on who you think will win the big final fight between these two horror icons. Lots of body slamming, slicing, dicing and impaling with not a referee in sight. There’s rumors of a sequel coming so we’ll keep our bladed fingers crossed. Definitely a great horror film that does justice to both franchises so I say definitely check it out and place your wages.


Keep an eye out for…

– weed smoking magic caterpillars
– severe head twisting
– machete darts
– literal blood baths
– Jason acupuncture
– extreme nose jobs
– Billy Idol tossing
– Jason dunking
– cop zapping

Man it would suck being a teenager growing up on Elm St. and getting sent to Crystal Lake for summer camp.

rated 8.6 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for Freddy vs. Jason

Nov

posted by admin | November 12, 2007 | B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Comedy, Cult Film, Horror movies, Uncategorized

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Fido

“She’s just a Nekromantic at heart.”

I come from a union family. My father worked the engine test line at a Michigan GM Assembly plant. I can still remember the picket lines and at that time never really understanding why employees would unionize and strike. Now that I’ve been in the corporate world for quite a while, I totally see the importance of a good union to protect employees rights, wages, and benefits so that corporations don’t steamroll over them. The union created the middle class and both have been slowly eroded leading to growing slave wage service industry and consumer based economy. Without a union backing you up, your boss can one day decide he doesn’t like that particular bad haircut you got and fire your butt. There that’s my soap box and I’m stepping off…I think Hoffa is buried under it anyways.

In Fido I’m once again reminded that behind a Union there’s is power to the people…even the undead should have employee rights. Welcome to the post zombie war era. Isolated towns now live in idealistic 1950’s communities fenced off from the unsavory deadlands where the zombies roam free. Instead in these corporate sponsored safe zones, zombies have been domesticated for the rich via a control collar that stops their urge to eat human flesh. They deliver milk and the paper, mow the lawns, walk people’s dog and generally moan about their work day. Things your teenager would do at a substantially reduced cost. Of course the side risk is that they tear your arm off and eat it but even with some teens you have to watch out for that possibility.

A local family wants to keep up with their upper class new neighbors so they purchase their first zombie servant played convincingly by Billy “I’m so Scottish I bleed kilts” Connolly. The young boy Timmy, treats him like a pet teaching him to fetch and catch a baseball (mostly in the face) but one day the collar accidentally loosens via a smack down with one mean grandma causing the zombie to chomp off the old ladies arm at the town’s park. Of course this causes a small zombie outbreak but it’s easily contained but the Corporate ZomCon hit squad who is called in for a round of zombie target practice. Little Timmy goes back to find the now zombified old lady and takes out some severe pre-teen anger to her head via a shovel then burying her in a flower bed to hide the evidence of Fido’s boo-boo.

Like a scene out of Lasie, minus the craving for human flesh, Fido and Timmy becomes best friends and spend their days playing in the woods, washing the car, and tossing obnoxious cubscouts. Soon even the mom played by Carrie Ann Moss has become smitten with their new pale friend. The dad is deathly afraid of zombies…in fact seems to be the only sane person in town who is and wants to get rid of Fido. Fido is blamed for all of the recent towns folks deaths and is sent off to work in the Zombcon factory near the borderlands. Where’s the a zombified Hoffa when you need one? Timmy and his mom drive to rescue him while their neighbor, a leader at Zomcon tries to stop them and as we all know in any good zombie movie, if you fence off zombies away from their food source, they eventually find a way in just like old people at a buffet.

I was hoping for a bit more carnage with a big zombie town outbreak but that never really panned out. Still all in all a fun little horror/comedy with a great social commentary. A sort of Leave it to Beaver meets Dawn of the Dead. Is it possible to make a family friendly zombie movie? Well this one almost is.

Keep an eye out for…

– school yard rifle ranges
– zombie washing and detailing
– shovel-fu
– zombie love-slaves
– zombies with nicotine habits
– extreme zombie zapping
– samba of the undead
– unionized zombies
– head coffins
– Cubscout tossing

“In the brain and not the chest, head shots are the very best. ”

rated 9.4 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for Fido

Oct

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From Beyond

“Now that’s some ultra spicy chili…I think I’m going to need a Tums.”

Happy Halloween!! Just got back from a brief trick or treating trip with the kids. My daughter got tired and wanted to come home and watch Casper on DVD. A truly terrifying movie if your a cute puppy scared of rainbows. I remember when I was the trick or treating age and we’d go across the whole neighborhood by ourselves and amazingly return in one piece. No chainsaw maniacs chasing us through the woods, no mutants in hockey masks waiting for a spontaneous camping trip…but hey we still had fun. So now we’re working on starting our sugar coma. Amazing how many things you can put sugar in these days and call it edible.

In The cult classic “From Beyond” there’s also plenty of midnight snacking as well though mostly the sucking of people’s brains through their eye sockets but hey that always a nutritional snack between larger meals.

Stuart Gordon returns after making the classic Re-animator with this lesser known yet just as weird and twisted horror film. Dr. Pretorious (Ted Sorel) and his assistant, Dr. Tillinghast (Jeffery Combs), are working in an old mansion on a experiment with sound tones that will allow them to enter a new alternate reality. They do this by stimulating the pineal gland of the human brain with giant tuning forks. Besides giving them major headaches and making dogs twitch they can see the alternate reality inhabited by giant jelly fish and mutant lampreys.

Dr Pretorious is beheaded by a unseen netherworld creature and the cops blame Crawford. Because he obviously bit the head off and hid it somewhere. Locked away in a mental institute to practice his big line about biting off ginger bread heads, he’s soon let go by a young phsychologists played by Barbara Crampton who wants to study the doctor’s experiment. Along with Buford ‘Bubba’ Brownlee (wow could they come up with a more racist name?) they travel back to the house to start up the old hoover tuning fork.

The alternate reality has weird side consequences though as it turns the Physcologist, Katherine McMichaels, into a nymophomaniac dominatrix and cause Crawford to sprout a third eye appendage out of his forehead with built in predator infrared vision. I believe the sound of Kenny G. will have similar effects if played at the right pitch.

Within the alternate reality they soon discover that that Dr. Pretorious is not only alive and has regained his cranial region but is also apparently made of silly putty and can now take weird demon forms and of course has the ability the copy newspaper comics by laying on them. This new super-uber evil Doctor wants to eat their brains for the ultimate sensory experience much like a trip to Denny’s at 3 in the morning. Soon Crawford’s pineal gland pops out his forehead and leads him around town as he sucks out people’s brains through their eyeball sockets! Wow! if you gotta die that’s one of the worse ways of going. You’d think it would be tough to suck out a eyeball though…thick milkshakes are tough through a straw but an whole eyeball…that would be even more a challenge. I’m sure you’ll see it on Fear Factor.

Anyways it all comes down to a big battle in the mansion as the alternate reality spreads throughout the home creating all sorts of nasty creatures covered in goo in every room. Bubba gets eaten by ravenous flies while trying to save his friends only to utter the words…”urgh….gg…..gghjagr..tfttt”. We’ll always remember that Bubba, your kind words of wisdom.
Definitely a must see horror movie especially if you enjoyed the Re-animator series or area fan of HP Lovecraft since this film is based on one his short stories. Have a wonderful Halloween and remember to check under your bed tonight for anything that might eat your brain.

Keep a third eye out for…

– alternate reality tape worms
– nymphomaniac psychologists
– flesh eating mutant fly swarms
– the rapid hair removal monster method
– skull socket brain sucking and brain munching
– thermo-vision, brain seeking pituitary glands (predator vision)
– spontaneous self fixing electrical lines
– tuning forks of doom

Great now we’ll get spam for Viagra treatments for Pineal Glands “Not feeling like eating brains like you used to…try our new Piagra!”

rated 9.2 out of 10 for the movie

From Beyond From Beyond T-shirts available from Fright Rags

At Fright Rags you can get this high quality horror shirt you can’t find anywhere else. Fright Rags has the best selection of horror shirts based on your favorite cult classics, creature features, and slasher flicks! Check out the From Beyond T-shirts

Check out the trailer for The Beyond…love the last line “Bite off his head like a gingerbread man” Do Gingerbreads go around biting off people’s heads?

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