The Lost Highway's B-movie Reviews and Cult Films
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posted by admin | February 6, 2007 | Action, B-movie Reviews

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Gymkata

“Look a moron on a jack-ass.”

All hail the greatest b-movie of all time. Truly perfect in it’s pure awfulness. The pinnacle of bad movies by which exposure will burn out your retinas and make you curl up in the corner and beg for a swift demise.

“No acting skills required” must have been on the actors wanted sign for this cheesy 80’s karate movie. Olympic medalist Kurt Thomas stars as Jonathon Cabot, who stretches his acting muscle to plays …yes a champion gymnast. He is recruited to represent the United States in a deadly competition inside the borders of the country Parmistan (I like to sprinkle some Parmistan on my spaghetti..it’s delicious.)

The leader of Parmistan who resembles a deranged Mel Brooks, will supposedly grant a wish to the winner. My wish would be that Kurt Thomas would have picked a brighter red sweater to wear on his “secret” mission. He would have made a much better target. The U.S. government wants Parmistan to be a part of the Regan induced Star Wars defense program, and the U.S. government clumsily and quickly trains Cabot to win the race. Training consists of climbing stairs on his hands (in case he encounter legless ninjas.) There’s also a chinese guy with a giant eagle on his shoulder that spouts wisdoms like “Do not hear the wood split. Hear the only sound of axe, cutting air. Read the air itself. It has much say to you.” Wow…this movies has so much to teach us grasshoppers.

It stuns me that the same talent that brought us Enter the Dragon directed this pile of Crapkata. Apparently he was inhaling a bit too much gymnastic powder. But it is truly a must see.

 

Watch out for.

– stealthy ninjas on horseback with guns
– strategically placed village gymastic equipment
– archery snipers
– reinassiance festival rejects as disguised villagers
– disturbing stair climbing training sequences

rated 10 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for Gymkata

Jan

posted by admin | January 29, 2007 | Horror movies, Sci-Fi

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The Thing

“Found another ancient Michigan Blogger.. apparently froze to death like the others.”

John Carpenter, the king of 70’s & 80’s horror, brings us this great film. Kurt “Don’t call me Pliskin” Russel plays R.J. Macready, the leader of a desolate arctic observation outpost. As 6 months of darkness are nearing, which is about the only thing they have to look forward to, a Norwegian outpost nearby is suddenly destroyed in some sort of mysterious Norwegian way. Luckily a dog escapes while being hunted by a Norwegian helicopter which unfortunately also explodes. Apparently Norwegians can’t handle explosives safely and have poor animal control policies. Well this dog is special..not in the the sort of way of it can play fetch or roll over but it does have the ability to absorb and takeover over other life forms in gruesomely horrific ways. Count yourself lucky your pet can’t do that. It would make dog shows much more entertaining though.

No one in the outpost trust each other and they soon realize that anyone of them could now be the alien as it’s discreetly takes over people one by one. Snake Pliskin… oops I mean RJ McReady devises a homemade test to out the creature by electrifying petry dishes of everyone’s blood samples. Apparently this is not just to see who get’s grossed out first. the outpost luckily has stocked up flame throwers for the winner. So the films ends up to be a drive-by alien BBQ frenzy ala Kurt Russell. If it moves or scurries then Kurt will cook it.

Great atmosphere and paranoia along with amazing special F/X makes this one of the all time classic horror movies. I say check it out and wear a warm coat while watching it.

Oh and keep an eye on your dog. He’s looking kinda funny.

 

Watch out for.

– petrie dish kung-fu
– arctic BBQ parties
– creepy Quaker Oats guy
– easy CPR based arm removal techniques
– the dog kennel of horrors
– gratuitous use of flares

What’s the difference between Arctic winters and Michigan winters? Michigan winters have pot holes.

Wasn’t the chef in the muppets Norwegian?

rated 9.3 out of 10 for the movie
learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out the trailer for the Thing

Jan

posted by admin | January 23, 2007 | 80's movies, B-movie Reviews, Horror movies

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Hell High

“he-he…he-he….I like pie

Bad things happen when you let creepy little girls go out and play in swamp duck blinds. Parental supervision in this movie is at all a time low when a young Brooke Storm accidentally impales some horny motorbike cross-swamping enthusiasts onto a strategically placed rusty gate. Duck blinds only lead to death and mayhem…remember that folks. Flash forward 18 years only because the movies tells us to and Brooke is now a stereotypical unbalanced high-school biology teacher. She’s having trouble dealing with a student named Dickens and his small brain-dead following of Queenie and Smiler. Apparently in the 80’s not a lot of thought was given to intimidating gang nicknames.

Jon-Jon an ex-football star played by Christopher “I can’t act” Cousins is the newest and least despicable character of this gang. That’s not saying a lot as all the characters are pretty low on the morality ladder. This rough gang of 4 decide to rebel against high school by doing things like tossing school report papers into the air, sitting in the bleachers complaining, being peeping toms, and tearing up the football field with their giant boat of an Oldsmobile. Man, if this was modern day high-school they would have been beaten, stuffed in a locker, and forced to ride the little bus to school.

These losers decides to play a prank on Brooke’s house by splattering it with mud and swamp slime further causing her to have some sort of Vietnam flashback. So Brook ends up going postal and goes on a murderous revenge spree on the gang. There’s a pencil to the head, rock to the face, knife to the throat, ouch! Who will survive? I don’t care.

Am I scared of duck blinds now? Yes I am.

Joe Bob Briggs has a great commentary track on this one. Watch the movie first then listen to the Joe Bob commentary track turned on. It’s hilarious.

 

Keep an eye out for.

– Slime-o-rama
– abandoned duck blinds used as kids playhouses
– lazy man football touchdowns
– peculiar placement of rusty gates in open fields
– body doubles
– the deadliest weapons of all– rocks, pencils, and swamp mud.

by the way is that a swamp or is it a field? you decide.

rated 7.3 out of 10 for the movie
learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out a TV promotion of Hell High

Jan

posted by admin | January 14, 2007 | Comedy, Sci-Fi

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Idiocracy

” The president pimped my ride

Amazing a new release DVD review here on Lost Highway! It’s the end of humanity, fire falls from the sky, dogs and cats living together, everyone screams in terror. Okay now that we’ve all calmed down and realize my reviews don’t affect the balance of the universe, this is just for the 5 or 6 people in the country that that haven’t seen the cult classic “Office Space.” Idiocracy is Mike Judge’s literally unknown follow-up to that mega DVD hit. This never received any TV advertising, no trailers, no promotions of any sort. It almost convinces you that either the movie was so utterly horrible than the studios didn’t want to have anything to do with it or they intended for this movie to be a cult classic release like it’s predecessor. I’m thinking it’s the second as this was a great comedy though not as hilarious as Office Space. It’s a very satirical commentary on our society and at times its hilarious laugh out loud funny. Luke Wilson plays Joe Bauers who defines the average Joe American. He is selected to be in a government hibernation program which goes horribly wrong finding him awaking 500 years in the future after being buried under a newly constructed Fuddruckers. Instead of a Utopia, society has so dumbed itself down so much that it’s barely functional. I don’t really see this as a far of future. case in point Jerry Springer,Tom Cruise, G-gurt (yogurt on the go), Tickle me Elmos, & Bill o’Rieley. Anyways, Joe travels into the future with a prostitute (Hooker to the Future) to find people have degenerated into watching TV all day in giant chairs with built in toilets. Hey that’s a good idea…oh wait I’m getting dumber already. Ugh I need read a novel or cure cancer, invent a water fueled car….well maybe later, American Idol is on. Joe finds that he’s the smartest man in the world which isn’t saying a lot as he can grasps such mind twisting concepts that water might help the crops grow or that TV shows about a guy getting hit in the croch just aren’t that funny. Well actually that is kinda funny…oh doh! there goes another 10 IQ points (having trouble concentrating…speling wordz korrectly). Joe meets the president of the United State a former Wrestling star who enjoys a good monster truck rally. Together working with their cabinet of other nitwits they try to save humanity. A great comedy so definitely check it out if you can still read the DVD label.

 

Keep an eye out for.

– Costco love greetings
– Starbucks Coffee sex shops
– Fast food medical care
– pimped out police cars
– gatoraid babies

rated 9.2 out of 10 for the movie
learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out this clip from Idiocracy

Jan

posted by admin | January 8, 2007 | 80's movies, B-movie Reviews, Horror movies

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House

” Don’t turn around honey. I don’t want you to see me in the morning without my makeup.”

What happens when you combine Platoon, Evil Dead, and the Greatest American Hero? You get a movie called “House.” No it’s not the story of a sarcastic limping doctor addicted to pain killers or how a group of contractor fix up an old Boston home. It’s the original comedy/horror hybrid by which countless others…well just a really bad sequel would follow.

 

William Katt now apparently rendered powerless of his TV super hero powers as the Greatest American hero plays Roger Cobb, a reclusive recently divorced horror writer. His son went missing years ago at his aunt’s giant creepy house and he hasn’t been able to write a good book since. His Aunt hangs herself in the very same house, so It only makes logical sense that he would want to stay there and write his next novel with all those heart warming memories. Roger starts seeing and hearing weird things around the house…things like floating garden tools, voices, and the supernatural appearance of Norm from the TV show cheers. He’s actually the neighbor but it took me by surprise, I wanted to someone to yell “Norm!” everytime I saw him. The house apparently attracts 80’s TV show actors like mosquitoes to campers. Roger soon learns that his son is trapped by the ghosts somewhere deep in the home and prepares to begins battle with a series of gruesome ghouls bent on his demise. His neighbor “Norm!” suspecting that Roger is one car short of a chase scene decides to check up on him. Roger incorrectly informs him that he has trapped a “Raccoon” in his closet and needs his help to get rid of it. The racoon turns out to be a vicious demon hellspawn instead though I’d have a tough time distinguishing the difference. Roger makes some goofy decisions in trying to get his son back safely. I think there wasn’t enough brain cells for his prozac to be effective that week. It all leads up to a battle with an old army buddy who is now much uglier and much deader. This horror movie is obviously intentionally funny and is downright creepy when it needs to be. Check it out.

 

Keep an eye out for.

-Roger’s scary v-neck 80’s sweaters

-Giant demon ex-wife creature with anger management issues

-Demon fishing without a license

-Bull from Night Court as an 7 ft tall un-stealthy Vietnam solider

-Garden tool kung-fu

-Backyard demon planting

-Medicine cabinet cross dimensional portals (hey can’t you buy those at Home Depot?)

rated 8.3 out of 10 for the movie
learn more about this movie at imbd.com

House Movie Trailer

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