The Lost Highway's B-movie Reviews and Cult Films
Jan

posted by admin | January 8, 2007 | 80's movies, B-movie Reviews, Horror movies

Comments Off on House

House

” Don’t turn around honey. I don’t want you to see me in the morning without my makeup.”

What happens when you combine Platoon, Evil Dead, and the Greatest American Hero? You get a movie called “House.” No it’s not the story of a sarcastic limping doctor addicted to pain killers or how a group of contractor fix up an old Boston home. It’s the original comedy/horror hybrid by which countless others…well just a really bad sequel would follow.

 

William Katt now apparently rendered powerless of his TV super hero powers as the Greatest American hero plays Roger Cobb, a reclusive recently divorced horror writer. His son went missing years ago at his aunt’s giant creepy house and he hasn’t been able to write a good book since. His Aunt hangs herself in the very same house, so It only makes logical sense that he would want to stay there and write his next novel with all those heart warming memories. Roger starts seeing and hearing weird things around the house…things like floating garden tools, voices, and the supernatural appearance of Norm from the TV show cheers. He’s actually the neighbor but it took me by surprise, I wanted to someone to yell “Norm!” everytime I saw him. The house apparently attracts 80’s TV show actors like mosquitoes to campers. Roger soon learns that his son is trapped by the ghosts somewhere deep in the home and prepares to begins battle with a series of gruesome ghouls bent on his demise. His neighbor “Norm!” suspecting that Roger is one car short of a chase scene decides to check up on him. Roger incorrectly informs him that he has trapped a “Raccoon” in his closet and needs his help to get rid of it. The racoon turns out to be a vicious demon hellspawn instead though I’d have a tough time distinguishing the difference. Roger makes some goofy decisions in trying to get his son back safely. I think there wasn’t enough brain cells for his prozac to be effective that week. It all leads up to a battle with an old army buddy who is now much uglier and much deader. This horror movie is obviously intentionally funny and is downright creepy when it needs to be. Check it out.

 

Keep an eye out for.

-Roger’s scary v-neck 80’s sweaters

-Giant demon ex-wife creature with anger management issues

-Demon fishing without a license

-Bull from Night Court as an 7 ft tall un-stealthy Vietnam solider

-Garden tool kung-fu

-Backyard demon planting

-Medicine cabinet cross dimensional portals (hey can’t you buy those at Home Depot?)

rated 8.3 out of 10 for the movie
learn more about this movie at imbd.com

House Movie Trailer

Jan

posted by admin | January 1, 2007 | B-movie Reviews, Horror movies

Comments Off on Slither

Slither

“I’m bringing sexy back. Yeah”

Welcome to a new year and nothing says 2007 better than slimey little parasitic aliens. This little gruesome film comes to us from the demented mind of James Gunn who directed the most excellent Dawn of Dead remake (Yes I know zombies can’t run.) This cocktail of gore is one part “The Blob“, 2 parts “Night of the Creeps“, and another part an ipecac. The small town of Wheesley is visited by a meteor falling to the woods. When can a meteor just fall and not bring evil parasites?!…why can’t it just bring a refreshing scent of pine like a giant air freshener. But no, this one like all the others before it has to carry a parasitic alien bent of world conquest. And with every meteor you have your local redneck “Grant” played by Michael Rooker. Grant of course has to go check out the meteor and poke it with a stick. The parasite takes over Grant and starts mutating him into a cow slaughtering dog eating tentacle growing squid-man. Turns out Grant has a plan to take over the planet by “spreading his seed” and impregnating an old girlfriend with these creepy slithering slugs (hence the title) who zombify the local town folks by entering through their mouths and taking over the brain. Who would have thought the best defense against aliens is to cover your mouth…save your life and stop halitosis. The zombie residents then attach themselves to the big squid creature to make an even bigger squid creature to absorb all life on the planet. It’s like some sort of twisted Republican party without the corporate sponsors.

Things to watch for.

  • Giant blimp barn girl who enjoys walks in the woods, hanging out at bars, and eating cute woodland creatures
  • A mayor with tourettes syndrome who screams like a little girl
  • Gratuitous use of haircare products as weapons
  • Attacking deer kung-fu
  • Frightening scenes of line dancing

It’s hilarious and gruesome in equal doses and it’s a worthy entry into the b-movie hall of fame. Give it a try.
rated 8.6 out of 10 for the movie
learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Watch the trailer for Slither

Dec

posted by admin | December 25, 2006 | B-movie Reviews

Comments Off on Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

Horray for Santa Claus

” Santa says pull my finger.”

Prepare yourself for a mind-numbing knock down brawl of a Christmas and all without the need of gin and egg nog. The leaders of Mars (Martians because they wear green paint on their face) are concerned that all the children on their planet are depressed and watching far too much Earth TV. Instead of the obvious Ritalin prescriptions, they consult a creepy wise man who lives in some nearby caves. The old guy who looks and sounds like a 80 year old Screech from Saved By the Bell tells them their planet is in need of the large bearded fat man who only works once a year known as Santa Claus. The Martians attempt to kidnap the jolly old elf who probably laughs more than any typical drunk santa at a roadhouse bar should. After a foiled attempt to blast Santa and his two innocent children bystanders into the cold confines of space, they decide to enslave him on Mars and create automated machines that turn out toys faster than a sweat shop in China. Will Santa escape? Will the children get their toys? Will the evil Martian’s plans be stopped? Did you even read the title of the movie?…
Look for the goofy Martian named Dropo whose brain power is barely enough to warm toast. Also look for a man dressed in a polar bear suit. You’ll swear you’re hallucinating. Just try to get the jolly song of “Hooray for Santa Claus” out of your head. This little jewel can be crowned the worse Christmas movie ever. It is my gift you. Have yourself a very Swayze Christmas.
rated 1.9 out of 10 for the movie
learn more about this movie at imbd.com

The righteous Reverend Chumley has posted this entire movie on his video podcast for you to watch at his fantastic free b-movie podcast called the Cult of UHF. Watch Santa Claus Conquers the Martians online for FREE.

Dec

posted by admin | December 18, 2006 | 80's movies, Action, B-movie Reviews

Comments Off on Road House

Roadhouse review

” Oh, let’s have a Patrick Swayze Christmas this year or we’ll tear your throat out and kick you in the ear!”

As far as b-movies go I would consider this the Godfather of all bad movies. It’s so pure in it’s awfulness that it’s truly a masterpiece. This is the legendary story of a bouncer named James Dalton played by Patrick Swayze who confronts his inner demons while defending a small bar outside Kansas City from the evil Ben Gazzara. Dalton cool demener hides a raging anger that I believe resulted from a post dramatic Dirty Dancing disorder. He deals with rage through spouting wisdoms like “pain don’t hurt” or “it’s my way or the highway” and of course doing his Swayziest Tai-Chi. You know it’s going to be something special when a monster truck and plate glass windows are involved in a major plot point. Road House should be a standard by which all other bad movies should be judged. I consider it required viewing.

rated 9.9 out of 10 for the movie
learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Dec

posted by admin | December 11, 2006 | 70's movies, B-movie Reviews

Comments Off on The Hell’s Angels 69

Hell

“Dukes of Hazzard changed my life! Boss Hog is an American hero.”

Wow! not surprisingly Oscars were not be handed out to any of the Hell’s Angels back in 1969 for their stunningly accurate portrayals of themselves in this cheesy biker movie. Can’t say I’ve seen a lot of biker movies so this is my first toe in the water of slurred speeches, drunken brawls and endless footage of motorcycles cruises. The thin plot revolves around two badly dressed rich guys who decide to rob a casino just for “the kicks.” they plan to send the money back to the casino in the mail. Like somehow the casino will be “Oh that’s okay for stealing our cash…at least you returned it. do you need a hug?” The Hell’s Angels find out they’re being used and go after the two robbers in a un-thrilling bike race across the desert. I found it hard to figure out who to root for in this film as despicable characters are abound. However this movie’s saving grace is a great informative and hilarious commentary track from the b-movie guru Joe Bob Briggs and that helps makes the hurt go away.

rated 4.9 out of 10 for the movie…8.7 out of 10 with Job Bob Briggs commentary track turned on
learn more about this movie at imbd.com

About the Highway

Lost Highway is your satirical detour down the twisted back roads of b-movies and cult films reviews. learn more >>