The Lost Highway's B-movie Reviews and Cult Films
Apr

posted by Doktor | April 13, 2015 | 90's movies, Action, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Kung-fu, Review by Doktor

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Tagline: You Have the Right to Remain Silent … Dead Silent

Year: 1991          Runtime: 96 min

Director: Amir Shervan

Writer: Amir Shervan

Starring: Robert Z’Dar, Matt Hannon, Jannis Farley

Note: Samurai Cop is a tough movie, from a very rough time in American history—the 90s. This roughness manifests itself in some explicit language. It’s not drunken sailor level but enough to be offensive to innocent ears. We’re family friendly here at The Lost Highway and therefore have taken the liberty of substituting more appropriate language, [in brackets like this], to keep things PG.

On with the show.

First and foremost let me say Samurai Cop sets the bar for entertaining b-movies in a way not achieved since Ed Wood’s Plan 9 From Outer Space. Now, I know what you’re thinking, Doktor is nothing if not hyperbolic, and you’re right. This time I’m serious. Serious as waking up to find a pool of blood on your pillow. And you’re in the middle of downtown’s main square. And you’re stark naked. Yeah. Samurai Cop is that good. I mean bad. Whatever.

Here’s the one-sentence pitch: Miami Vice meets Miami Connection set in Los Angeles.

Not sure exactly what that means, where here’s the long and long of it:

[Warning: Because Samurai Cop is so AWE-some This Review is One TL;DR Spoiler]

The movie opens with a Katana gang strategy meeting. Nothing gets an audience excited like a gang working on their mission statement. It grounds the movie in the staleness of the everyday. Everyone can relate to the dreaded Monday Morning Meeting, right? Filmmakers would later learn that it’s gritty reality that really gets audiences’ juices flowing, but we’re talking 1991 here. Having guys who look like they were picked up at Stop n Go passing around a Mad Dog 20/20 discus how to grow their gang’s brand was edge-of-your-seat story-telling.

According to the minutes, the Katanas need to befriend other gangs, except the Japanese. It’s war on the Japanese. So says Fujiyama, Katana leader. It’s heart-breaking. Self-hating Japanese. They’re their own worst enemies.

First item on their agenda is have another meeting. This time with the Chinese. Fujiyama sends his best man, Z’Dar-san on this delicate diplomatic mission. Mr. Lee, the Chinese leader, decides is no good. Z’Dar-san and minions kill the fool. If the Katanas can’t have you as their friend, no one will.

But enough of that, jump cut to: our heroes, Samurai Joe and Frank the Black Guy. Samurai is a highly trained martial artist, fluent in Japanese, and has a man mane that makes first season Full House star John Stamos look like Sir Patrick Stewart. Frank is black.

They’re cops, i.e. a Value Brand X version Crockett and Tubbs, but less creepy. Frank brought Samurai to help bust the Katana gang. Or is it Samurai is there because he has some information on a Katana gang drug deal? It’s confusing. Regardless, Samurai is in from San Diego. Is that important? Not really. Samurai Cop is chocked full of not important exposition.

The drug deal is going down at the marina. Frank calls in helicopter support for production value, and to help tail the Katana’s blue van. And watch the boat in the marina. Luckily Whirlybird Wench Peggy is on duty. She has eyes that move independent of one another like a chameleon, which is great in this situation. Not so much at parties. At parties she just freaks people out. Because there’s some confusion about where the cocaine is, in the boat or in van, Frank wants her to watch the boat, Samurai the van.

Unfortunately everyone is inept, and they lose sight of both. And what’s really important in life. It’s a right proper cluster jam.

In the resulting confusion, the sale is made. This segues nicely into the need for a pathetic chase scene. Pathetic in that the footage is sped up to give the illusion the cars are moving faster than 10 mph. Moreover, the villians can’t hit Samurai and Frank’s car, with a shotgun, out the wide open back of the van, despite there being less than a car length between them. All the while Samurai’s coaching Frank, “Shoot. Shoot. Shoot him.” Add awesome coach to Samurai’s impressive skill set above because, sigh, it works.

Then the van comes to a soft stop by driving into a dirt pile and explodes. Because.

Having accomplished something, Samurai and Officer Peggy Harlot do celebration Hootchie-Kootchie Lick-em Yum-Yums.

Note: I’m not being misogynistic with the name calling. I’m trying to capture the Shervan’s portrayal of his female characters which is informed by his understanding of women which stopped when he was 13. Peggy is a one dimensional nymphomaniac wrapped in a sexual harassment joke. And she shows her ta-tas. Te he he!

Back at Katana HQ, Fujiyama is pissed. He orders Z’Dar-san to behead the captured Katana thug and place the head on his piano. That’ll show him. Or something.

At the hospital, the hood’s room is exactly next door to the dentist office. This raises a question: what kind of government funded halfway hospital is this? Anyway, Samurai and Frank want to question their suspect but can’t because his back was badly burned in the ‘splosion. Needless to say, his lips won’t work for a  couple months.

There’s some prepubescent flirting with a nurse after which Samurai instructs the guard to only allow doctors and nurses into room. So when Ginger, Z’Dar-san’s main squeeze and all around evil gal, comes disguised as a cleaning crew person to change the garbage, wheeling in a big, covered cart, she’s allowed right in. Some people are so weak minded not even Jedi Mind Tricks are necessary. A completely convincing decapitation ensues, which turns into a lame chase through the hospital. Z’Dar-san and Ginger escape through the back exit, which is an apartment complex. Add a farmer’s market, tax assistance, and furniture and tire sales to this hospital and you’d have a ghetto swap meet.

Enter Captain Oscar Grouch. Samurai and Frank get the business from their uptight commanding officer. “Grumble, grumble, grumble. Dead bodies piling up. Grumble, grumble, grumble. Loose cannon. Grumble, grumble, grumble. Yeah, like somebody stuck a big club up my [tail pipe] and it hurts. I’ve got to figure out a way to get it out of there.” Whoa! Not a proportionate escalation there, Captain.

Samurai and Frank extract themselves to follow up a lead at the Blue Lagoon. Fujiyama is meeting with his lawyer and seducing Chickie, the young, blonde daughter of the owner of the restaurant. There’s some apathetic looks and then Samurai erupts with a mind numbing speech about selling destruction to the children. He’s gonna put a stop to it by putting Fujiyama and the Katanas in the ground. To put a point on it he concludes with a little flirting with Chickie.

Oooo. Burn, Fujiyama. Burn!

Z’Dar-san’s doesn’t allow that insult to to pass quietly. He sends in the goons for some poorly choreographed slow-fighting with Samurai and Frank in the parking lot. One goon grabs a katana from a random Datsun, failing to understand this is a gun fight. Frank guns him down as a lesson. Samurai seizes the opportunity to add some more production value by severing another goon’s arm. Z’Dar-san, following the “Code of Silence,” kills all the fallen goons to keep them from talking.

Later, back at the Blue Lagoon, Samurai puts on the Old Spice charm. Lion Head, Girlie’s magical wall ornamentation is not impressed. Lion Head grants Girlie the power of chastity +3 against cheesy pickup lines. This allows her to make her saving throws verses Samurai’s charms. What’s more, she has to go to church, so…

Maybe next time, Samurai.

Before Samurai can even make it to the front door some punks stop him for more poorly choreographed slow-fighting. Samurai takes them out with a couple hi-ya chops. Steven Hawkins could’ve taken them, but a fight scene’s a fight scene, amirite? One punks runs, but after a stilted Horror Ingenue Trip and Fall, Samurai catches him. A twist of the arm and he’s wagging his tongue prettier than a $3 prostitute.

Samurai learns that Okamura, Fujiyama’s number 2, hired the assassins to kill him. If he and Frank catch Okamura they can bring down Fujiyama. Why can’t they do so for Z’Dar-san sending in the boys to kill them in the Blue Lagoon’s parking lot? Again, because.

At Okamura’s house Police Hooker Peggy throws herself at everyone present. Seriously, it’s anything that moves with her. This has nothing to do with anything of course, but it does pad out the runtime. Still, there’s a job to do, and no one has money for penicillin, so back to the action. Or whatever. Samurai and Frank bust in on Okamura’s Hootchie-Kootchie Lick-em Yum-Yums. A pulse slowing chase scene develops, followed by some Kung Fool fighting. Just when we think Okamura is down, his ruse works allowing him to disarm Frank. And Samurai has to kill Okamura which sends them back to the drawing board.

Uhm. Hello! Z’Dar-san killed several people, and attempted murder of police officers.

Cut to a second Katana meeting. The topic this time is their police problem. They can’t kill the cops, that would obviously be connected to them. Solution: call in the New York bruisers to break Samurai and Frank’s legs. Why this is less likely to be traced back to them, when they haven’t been arrested for killing their own guys and attempted murder of police—

Okay, fine. You get it. There’s a huge plot hole. I’ll move on. I’m just saying. Doesn’t anyone pay attention?

The next scene is a real head scratcher. Samurai is at movie studio, specifically in the editing room. Not surprising there’s no explanation. No context. Nothing. My guess is Samurai’s watching dailies of the film so far. Enter the New York Bruisers. Cue another gimpy fight. The bruisers, like their LA couterparts, are terrible shots, even up close with shotguns. This is laughable because Samurai moves slower than trying to pass a bowel movement composed of six pounds of steak.

But enough of that, the movie needs some lurvin’. Cut to Z’Dar-san and Ginger doing Hootchie-Kootchie Lick-em Yum-Yums. If Okamura can get some strange why not number one Z’Dar-san? Sadly, like Okamura’s, his is interrupted. By a call from the boss. No time for tomfoolery. Fujiyama’s mullet may suggest there’s a party going on, but he is all bidness.

Now we’re at the Episcopal Church. Remember, Girlie couldn’t go on a date because she had church. Well, ever the smooth operator, and knowing Lions Head won’t be there to negatively affect his vibrations, Samurai catches her on the way out to her car. He uses the old, “I’ve got some police questions for you. They’re over here in my windowless van.” line.

Hook. Line. Sinker.

Fujiyama’s man, who was there to pull the same ambush, witnesses the whole affair and runs home to tell on Samurai. All bets are off. Fujiyama wants Samurai dead.

At Samurai’s house we learn what Shervan considers a little romantic lunch: a stolen neighbor’s pet chicken, killed, de-feathered, and fried, a bag of wine, and some wax fruit. This starts a Samarai’s Gonna Get Some and The Bad Guys Are Closing In montage:

  • Z’Dar-san and hoodlums start at Sargent One-Line’s house to get Samurai’s address. No good. They kill Sargent One-Line and his wife. Z’Dar-san and gang split into two teams. One for Frank. The other for Pegboard Peggy.
  • Meanwhile, hot speedo action on the beach with Samurai and Girlie.
  • Hoodlums at Franks threaten to cut off his “black gift”. Frank’s too smooth for all that jive. Besides, someone’s got to warn Samurai.
  • Meanwhile, swimming in Samurai’s pool. Girlie shows her diving skills that lost her last place in the Special Olympics 1990. Awe-struck, Samurai doesn’t hear his phone ringing.
  • At Doozy Floozy’s, Trollop Peggy is frying up some ice cubes. She thwarts the hoodlums initial attacks on her. Goes for her gun, but they overpower her. They hold her down while Z’Dar-san pours hot grease on her bathing suit area. Knowing the Humped Strumpet’s proclivities, a deep-fried bologna curtain is worse than death, so he leaves her alive. Mostly. If you call a fried Pacman living.
  • Meanwhile, Samurai sings happy birthday to Girlie in his speedo. Ugh. I don’t know which is worse, the singing or the speedo. (Be warned, seeing both will burn the accursed images into your mind. FOREVER!) This sets things up for Samurai’s second helping of Hootchie-Kootchie Lick-em Yum-Yums. Frank is good enough to wait postcoitus to call back.

Z’Dar-san and hoodlums show up just as Frank warns Samurai. Samurai and Girlie try to escape out the back window, only to be chased around the house Yakety Sax style. When all looks lost, Samurai gets the bright idea to go back inside, wait a moment, and then leave out the front. Samurai’s sweet Honda is in the driveway. Duh! They jump in and zoom off to safety.

Samurai drops Girlie off at the Blue Lagoon. Girlie’s mom has been worried sick about her. Girlie always comes straight home after church. And Mr. Fujiyama has been looking for her. How careless of Girlie. What about all the things Fujiyama’s done to help them out. But Girlie doesn’t care, the ungrateful jezebel. She’s in LURV. With Samurai!

Fujiyama was behind the door. He overheard. Duhn Duhn Duhn!

Samurai and Frank return to Captain Oscar Grouch for a final counsel. “Grumble, grumble, grumble. Lose my job. Grumble, grumble, grumble. Breathing down my neck. Grumble, grumble grumble. All I care about is getting Fujiyama. Go on a killing spree. Burn his house into a blood bath. When it’s done we’ll all turn in our badges.”

Wait. What? Seriously?

At Fujiyama’s. Seriously. Can you guess what happens? Can’t shoot gun fight. Where does Fujiyama find these guys? As a last defense, Fujiyama uses Girlie as human shield. Samurai and Frank disarm and Fujiyama shoots Frank. He villain monologues before shooting Samurai, which gives Frank time to get his gun and shoot Fujiyama first.

But wait a minute. He shot Frank. We saw him fall. Well, yes and no. Sadly, this is the only time a bad guy’s bullet hits the mark, but, wait for it, Frank was wearing a bullet-proof vest. Insert Price Is Right Fail Dramatic Sting.

Finally, the final boss fight. Z’Dar-san vs Samurai. Z’Dar-san drives up in his Suzuki Samurai. Shervan just couldn’t help himself. There’s a long, dark walk of shame as Samurai and Z’Dar-san show off their Star Wars Kid style, that is, they flail their katanas around destroying the landscaping and a passing pigeon. Samurai wins, natch. As Samurai is about to finish Z’Dar-san off Frank stops him. “No, Samurai. Your a cop.”

‘Cos killing him would be wrong. Never mind the sponsored killing spree you were both just partaking of.

One final Sexy Sexy Speedo moment with Samurai and Girlie before fading to black.

This movie is the quintessential “so bad it’s good” movie. It is a must see for any MYSTie type, and will even go over well with those who are not necessarily fans of b-movies. I cannot stress it hard enough that you run to your favorite DVD seller and get your copy. AND, better still, according to Cinema Epoch, Samurai Cop is going on the Midnight Movie Circuit, so look for it in an art house theater near, or far, from you starting May 31, 2015.

roadside attractions

  • Hear! Samurai’s fluent Japanese when he translates words like Katana (“It means Japanese sword”)!
  • See! The unbelievable mansion, on the beach, in Los Angeles, that Samurai is renting while working on the Katana gang case. Consulting gigs are SUH-weet!
  • Thrill! At Good-to-Go Peggy’s magic drawer. At first it only contains an automatic pistol. Jump cut and it’s full of miscellaneous debris. Jump cut and she’s pulling out an old-time western revolver. David Copperfielderific!
  • Experience! The lack of continuity (AGAIN) in the final battle scene as Samurai’s gun changes from an automatic to a revolver to an automatic!
  • Feel! The stomach churning passion of hideous men doing Hootchie-Kootchie Lick-em Yum-Yums on actresses who didn’t sign up for this [puppy]!
totals

10

blood

BLOOD

This movie is slathered in the old Louisiana Hot Sauce!

10

blood

BREASTS

The men are hi-deous. The womerns de-lovely and de-licious!

10

beast

BEASTS

Robert Z’Dar!

10 OVERALL
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Apr

Comments Off on The Intruders

Welcome back to another review, folks! So. You know those movies you really want to be good, but just aren’t? The situation when you know the actors, their skills, even sometimes their histories, but the movie they’re in is just so….boring. This is where this movie lies. I only watched it, truthfully, beacause I recognized some of the names in the ‘Starring’ box. Ow. My nostalgia. Why am I going on about this? Well, let’s get started and find out.

This movie is starring an actor I’ve been aware of and following since they were a child star….Not…not in a creepy way, either. Ahem. Anyways, the arguable ‘main star’ of this movie is Miranda Cosgrove, playing every stereotype in every horror movie, ever. Yeah. It’s that bad. How bad? Well. Let’s see: Lost a parent? Check. Current parent thrown into their work to not cope? Check. Teenager left alone constantly? Check. Whining about being somewhere else incessantly? Check. Bland, predictable romance with what seems to be the only boy in all of the city? Check. Oh, the list goes on and on. I was going to turn this movie into a drinking game, like I have others in the past, but if I did that I’d be begging someone for a liver transplant. You can do the exact same checklist of tropes for every. Single. Character. In fact, I encourage you to make a checklist and go down it as the movie plays.

So the story goes as every other story has gone. The mother of the main character committed suicide, though this is tip-toed around until near the end, forcing the father to take their emotionally unstable daughter to Chicago for a change of pace. Enter ‘We gotta fix up this place’ scenario to introduce the one man crew of a restoring company character. But not before we meet the pouty, mopey, bland as water neighbors: a daughter and a father. The father played by Tom Sizemore, one of my favorite actors, is of course given a ‘I’m so creepy I could be a murderer’ vibe to try and push this already boring story forward. And by push it forward I mean add little, to nothing, to the plot. The daughter, however, is angsty and doesn’t really like the new neighbors, leaving the meeting with an ominous line. Or it would be ominous if you could understand it! The entire conversation I just told you about is done in such hushed tones and mumbles that I had to switch on the subtitles. And, for some reason, as Miranda Cosgrove’s character leaves the driveway scene of mumbling, she finds a necklace on the ground. If you just said that the necklace pertains to the house being haunted; go get yourself a cookie.

That’s right. We start to push the supernatural aspect at this point, shadows walking by open doors, crying in the night, all of which has the teenage daughter up in arms, but the father, despite us knowing he’s sleeping in the same house, doesn’t hear a thing. But, then again, if I were popping painkillers like this guy was, I’d probably be just as comatose. Things start to pop up, a doll’s head, a half eaten potato, a can of tuna, and, of course, more info about who used to live in the house before. I don’t get the potato thing, either, folks. Begin research montage! Typical, I know, I know. End with more supposed supernatural things happening, but not too frightening, cause in the midst of all this mystery and possible murder the main character finds time to sneak out and go to a pool party with her would-be boyfriend. Gotta keep those priorities in line, folks! So after that happens, don’t worry, there’s no underage shenanigans going on in this movie; the cold shouldered neighbor suddenly becomes the chatty Kathy.

After some very shaky exposition, and I do mean shaky, as to some young woman who was abused, ran away, was taken under wing by some creepy spinster and her son, who is equally creepy. The young woman suddenly disappears, as does the creepy son, and they all chalk it up to running away together. Although the neighbor, Tom Sizemore, does get indicted for kidnapping and such, but that’s just there to keep the story somewhat diverse. It fails. After a suicide scare scene between Miranda Cosgrove’s character and her father, which, truth be told, the best scene in the movie. Why? We actually get to see the two actors really belt out a scene, and in that scene, it’s actually well put together. I’ll give kudos where it’s due. Too bad the rest of the movie is lacking that genuine feel and actual chemistry between the two characters. It’s a single shimmer of good in a whole lot of bad, but it is a good scene. And let me tell you, you’ll need it to stomach the remainder of the movie. Right after this scene we go directly into the final scenes.

I won’t spoil anything, but it’s all so painfully obvious that you can’t watch it and say “Of course that would happen!” in a sarcastic tone. You will literally mean it. With bad pacing, an opening that promised horror, the rest of the movie that fails to do so, weak acting from good actors, and a script so generic bread looks exciting, this movie fails at being horror, suspense, or anything truly scary. Thanks for reading, folks! And, as always, Stay Tuned!

roadside attractions

  • Really? Just…Really
  • Everyone Saw That Coming
  • Old Cell Phone
  • Juice Nazi
  • New Cell Phone
  • Concerned About Taxi Rides
  • Not About Haunted Houses
totals

2

blood BLOOD

One Strangling. One Stabbing.

1

blood BREASTS

There’s a pool party. That’s it.

0

beast BEASTS

Creepy is as creepy does.

2 OVERALL
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Apr

posted by Barry Goodall | April 5, 2015 | 90's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Bad movie, Review by Barry Goodall

Comments Off on Voodoo

Fresh from drug rehab, Corey Feldman plays Andy, a struggling writer who visits a college campus to hangout with his easily annoyed girlfriend Rebecca. “Becky” kicks him to the curb so he pledges a fraternity of voodoo worshipping yuppies all because his girlfriend won’t let him crash on her couch. The new frat brothers drug him and give him a home-made dragon tattoo forcing him to snuggle with a dead girl in a pit of chicken bones. Still way better than carrying cherries around with your butt cheeks for a hazing. Thinking it was all just a bad dream from the cajun food, he gets a bit suspicious when the fraternities head voodoo doctor, Marsh performs acupuncture on a ken doll that causes their neighbor to blow his brains out with a shotgun. Andy decides he has had enough and spikes one of their drinks with some table salt (it’s voodoo zombie kryptonite.) Epileptic seizure hilarity ensues and he has to dive out the window just as Columbo in a k-car rescues him with a sonic dead chicken horn that causes Marsh’s ears to bleed.

He drives Andy to a secret room where he tells him that Marsh wants to live forever but needs him as the final sacrificed brother to make the ritual complete. Wanting to get out of dodge, he tracks down Rebecca to warn her and she easily accepts his insane story and starts searching through schools files with her roommate. Not sure what she hopes to find. Maybe a dead chicken head or proof of voodoo tax evasion? Rebecca’s professor finds them and injects her friend in the neck with some green poison which means instant death and no extra credits. She should have known with all those seminars in black magic and goat sacrificing that her professor was in on the whole thing.

Rebecca is kidnapped by a security guard and gets thrown into the backseat of a Lincoln Continental. Meanwhile Andy is stuck battling a frat zombie in Bob Marey’s former smoking lounge. He escapes and tracks his girlfriend down to a basement temple where Marsh just stabbed the rest of his frathouse brothers and doused himself in talcum powder and just grey for men hair coloring gel. Rebecca is tied up and gaged which has got to be a relief to Andy from her constant judgement of his life choices. He impales Marsh with a metal pipe covered in magic dust the exact same way you’d kill a circus del soil dancer.  Andy and Becky escape to transfer to a community college free of Voodoo curses and career prospects and frathouses everywhere are safe once again..well except for drunk co-eds.

Barry Goodall says to checkout “Voodoo” and remember to keep your voodoo doll in it’s original packaging. it’s worth more on eBay that way.

Oh yeah, a Becky actually did break up with me once in college and became a Barista. It’s the 3B’s of college… Becky, Breakup, Barista. But I’m not bitter.

roadside attractions

  • Goat herding
  • Six undead fratboys
  • Salt attack
  • Bleeding ear
  • Hypodermic needle to the neck
  • Multiple sacrifices
  • Car hood-slam dunking
  • Bottle shankin’
  • Pipe impalement
  • Ken-doll Voodoo
totals

5

blood

BLOOD

Most of the blood is from the chicken sacrifices.

8

blood

BREASTS

Out of nowhere we have gratuitous nudity just to wake you up. It maybe a requirement of any movie filmed in a college dorm.

9

beast

BEASTS

a snake, a goat, undead fratboys and drunk fratboys

8 OVERALL
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Mar

Comments Off on Baffled


Leonard Nimoy is so not Spock in “Baffled,” a movie that probably should have a spoiler tag on its opening credits. And it does have opening credits. That’s because “Baffled” was actually a failed TV pilot, and why it failed, I’ll never know. A paranormal mystery show starring Leonard Nimoy paired with a smart blonde and medium-high sexual tension? Nothing on TV in the 70s was as good as that, not even when they were drunk on “Match Game.” Plus the opening theme is just so rockin’.

Nimoy’s star turn here is as Tom Kovack, a charismatic Indy race car driver who discovers he has psychic visions when one abruptly sends him skidding into a near-fatal accident on the track. The vision itself just consists of tracking shots of an imposing English estate, slo-mo Vera Miles screaming, a hay wagon, a girl walking down stairs, and a woman’s voice repeating, “It’s Wyndham in Devon, dear.” Sadly, Peter Cushing is not in his pit crew.

The next day, Tom reluctantly tells a TV interviewer about his vision, because they didn’t know about pre-interviews in the 1970s the same way they didn’t know about colors other than brown and orange. Rare book dealer and out-of-his-league blonde Michelle Brent catches the interview on telly and is intrigued. Destined to be the Mulder to his Scully, the Giles to his Buffy, and the Diane to his Sam, she visits Tom and suggests that they go fight the forces of Vague Menace from his vision together. Skeptical Tom refuses the call to adventure, although not before trying to hit on her a couple times, so he’s still clearly Not Spock.

Adventure is at telemarketer levels of persistence though and zings Tom with another vision, this time leaving him drenched in saltwater in the middle of his hotel room – a little something for the ladies. He follows up with Michelle and the two of them take a sabbatical from gainful employment and real lives to go Scooby it up at the manor house, also a vacation spot, Wyndham in Devon.

The manor house entertains several guests apart from our heroes, but the focus of mystery and the girls of Tom’s dreams, so to speak, are film star Andrea Glenn (“special guest star Vera Miles” ) and her daughter Jennifer. Andrea and Jennifer have arrived at Wyndham to meet with Andrea’s estranged husband and Jennifer’s dad, English actor Duncan Sanford. Now of all the things this movie presents as weird or uncanny, this is the only disturbing part to me, and it’s something we’re expected to just sort of roll with. The actress playing Jennifer is clearly old enough to drive, if not vote, but she’s playing a 12-year-old. That’s not the weird part. She’s also a 12-year-old who wears pigtails and carries around a stuffed animal and calls her mother “Mommy.” But that’s still not the weird part.

The weird part is this: Andrea has not seen Duncan in all that time, her daughter’s entire life, and Jennifer claims never to have met her – sigh – “Daddy.” I get that Andrea and Duncan are split up and she’s in America and he’s in England, but for a world-famous actress, hopping across the pond to visit the father of your child shouldn’t be that big a deal, should it? At least once? And if Duncan is such an ogre that he doesn’t want to meet his own daughter, why does Jennifer glowingly idealize him? She doesn’t even know what he looks like. How is that possible in the 20th century? And Andrea doesn’t seem to be protecting Jennifer from any other details of her rocky relationship with Duncan. Am I giving too much thought to this? Yes. Yes, I am. But it’s weird, right?

Then after all that, Duncan fails to show up to greet Andrea and Jennifer as planned anyway. Jerk.

As soon as he arrives, Tom of course recognizes Andrea and her daughter from his visions. He and Michelle then set about digging up information on them and the other guests, since the evil at Wyndham is still pretty ill-defined. All they’ve got is Tom’s vision of Andrea screaming. I mean, Andrea could have been screaming at anything – a spider, the minibar bill, a lunatic dressed as his mother with a butcher knife, anything. Could the vague menace be the groovy young newlyweds? Or maybe it’s the Italian guy? The standard issue English butler? And what’s up with the diffidently bitchy owner of the manor house, Mrs. Farraday? She’s de-aging like so much Cher. That’s not right.

Meanwhile, Jennifer secretly meets with her Dad, who insists Jennifer wear a gaudy medallion with a wolf’s head on it, but not tell her mother about it or him until he says so. So clearly nothing going on there.

Poor, stood-up Andrea tries to locate her husband, fails, and soon suffers the onset of Sudden Gothic Heroine Syndrome, with the usual hallucinations, gauzy nightgown-clad fleeing, and sudden, debilitating illnesses that keep you from grabbing your daughter and getting the hell out. Jennifer goes from Cindy on the Brady Bunch to the 70s equivalent of Miley twerking in the course of a couple days. Tom and Michelle Scooby hard, but the red herrings keep throwing up false positives for Tom’s untested psychic gifts. Plus they find themselves on the wrong side of the Vague Menace and have to save themselves over and over, although I do have to say having seen this, it’s less them saving themselves and more the Vague Menace not following through on its evil plans. You’ve got Michelle alone in the back of a truck and unconscious. Finish it! What, is this your first insidious Satanic plot?

The movie goes on, probably for about 15 minutes and 2 red herrings too long. It would have been a great TV episode though. I envision Roddy McDowall and Donald Pleasance as evil cultists in later episodes. Sadly, the only “Baffled” we got was this one, which is both too much and not enough, thanks to the meandering plot and extremely Vague Menace. It may still be worth your time with caveats: basically if you love Leonard Nimoy or you just want something on in the background to fall asleep to.

roadside attractions

  • A chase scene with no power steering
  • Wheelchair-based combat
  • Looking deep into Leonard Nimoy’s soulful brown eyes
  • Rear projection psychic projection
  • All the turtlenecks the 1970s had to offer
totals

0

blood

BLOOD

For all the foreboding, most violence stays offscreen and at Nancy Drew levels.

1

blood

BREASTS

There’s some dowager décolletage, but that’s less titillating than a 2-second glimpse of Nimoy’s treasure trail.

1

beast

BEASTS

No beasts to speak of, only surprisingly spry old ladies.

1.5 OVERALL But add 6 points if you have ever read Spock slashfic. 8 if you’ve written it.
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Watch the trailer to “Baffled”

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Mar

Comments Off on Bad Milo: A guest review by Sikkdays

Sikkdays is not a paid holiday where you skip work and watch a horror film. He is a child of 80s movies and syndicated cartoons that never grew up. Sikkdays is a video editor whose love of bad movies has most likely ruined his chance at a successful career. In fact, the U.S. has even declared him Persona non grata. From somewhere in the cold tundra of Canada he produces a bad movie podcast called Film Frown and if you’re looking for conversation find him on the twitter sphere @sikkdays.

A man has a monster up his ass that when released, kills people. It’s a story we can all relate to after burrito night. Wait, this is a feature length movie and not a Youtube sketch? Bad Milo is labeled a horror comedy. I suppose. It’s like calling a Gallagher routine a horror comedy simply because you can’t stand violence against fruit. The film is swimming with comedic actors and the occasional bloody scene but you never witness much violence.

Arguably the hero of the film is Milo, that’s who we are here to see. However, an ass demon has to live somewhere. Thus, the film follows the story of Duncan. You may recognize actor Ken Marino from his many TV appearances. All I know is that they picked the right guy because one of his IMDB soundtrack credits is for a song titled “Ass Butt Song.” Duncan is being pressured at home to start a family. This is compounded by his mother’s predictable desire for grandchildren. Meanwhile at work Duncan’s boss, played by Patrick Warburton (Puddy from Seinfeld), has put Duncan in charge of firing all the people at the firm who have been downsized. Also his office has been moved to a shared space with an annoying coworker. Wait! This is a horror comedy. The shared office is a former restroom.

Finally, his mother has invited a fertility specialist to dinner. All of this stress and anxiety has given Duncan terrible pains in his abdomen. Kumail Nanjiani playing his mother’s much younger beau, gives explicit sex advice at dinner which made the laughter demon in my abdomen very happy.

After a visit with his wonderfully awkward doctor played by Toby Huss, Duncan has more stress. This could be a serious medical issue after all. The funny doc isn’t around for long. During the procedure to remove the polyp that seems to be causing Duncan’s issues, he sees something else and is immediately eviscerated. Duncan wakes up on the couch. Was that a dream sequence? Certainly this would be the subject of many internet commenters, if it wasn’t overshadowed by the preposterous fact in this film that a horrible demon lives in a man’s anus.

As his pain becomes more severe, it’s time for an alternative approach. Duncan’s wife has made him an appointment with a hypnotist played by everyone’s favorite Swedish nihilist, Peter Stormare. It’s all too new age for the busy and stressed Duncan who leaves. At home, he receives a call from his new office roommate. There was computer issue and, well Duncan has lost all his important files. Doubling over in pain he heads to the bathroom, pulls down his pants, sits on the pot and moans uncomfortably before passing out. Back at the office, his office mate becomes many red stains on the tiled bathroom walls. The next morning Duncan finds out watching the morning news. After the dream, or not dream of the doctor’s gruesome death and his annoying office mate’s murder perhaps talking to someone is a good idea. Duncan returns to the hypnotist, naturally.

Peter Stormare puts Duncan under and decides to ask him about all the things in his life giving him stress. Don’t make Mr. Banner angry You wouldn’t like him when he gets angry. That is, unless you like the Hulk. Same goes for Duncan, except substitute stress for anger. While hypnotized, he falls over and the hypnotist witnesses Milo exit from Duncan’s posterior. Thankfully, this film is using practical FX and the audience doesn’t have to suffer through a CGI, hairless Gizmo emerging from the Mariana Trench below Duncan’s Dockers. Stormare is attacked before Milo leaps out the window. Milo then goes after the fertility doctor with a punishment befitting the crime. Did I say the movie wasn’t much in horror? I may have lied. This scene is graphic.

Luckily, Stormare has a book on demons so I assume they look up “derriere?” Here we learn some lore about this creature. Milo cannot be destroyed because he’s part of Duncan and that would be like giving himself a lobotomy. Therefore, when Milo returns it’s time to reason with the murdering polyp and convince him to “come home.” Duncan gets on his hands and knees and tries to convince the little guy with a comforting voice. At least Elliot was smart enough to use Reese’s Pieces with E.T.

From here it’s about trying to control stress and Milo. Of course, to do that we need sock puppets and a reunion with an estranged father played by Stephen Root. Though, no amount of hippie love, boss payback and gerbiling will sate Milo’s lust for murder. Duncan must race to save his wife and her unborn baby from himself. Well, a piece of himself that specifically comes from his ass.

The ridiculous world the filmmakers have created is decently entertaining. As a viewer, we’re even treated to some Muppet Mortal Kombat. I would recommend this film to anyone who wants a good laugh. I can’t see why you wouldn’t enjoy it. Unless you have a stick up your butt.

roadside attractions

  • Back door action
  • cubies are worse than roomies
  • The parrot thinks he knows everything
  • PSM (poor stress management
  • electrified wire loop
  • Gerbiling is not just for Richard Gere
  • Penectomy is not just for John Bobbitt
  • Mom’s sex dungeon
  • Fart jokes
  • Just the tip Tuesdays
totals

5

blood

BLOOD

The few times the red stuff is on the screen, there’s lots of it. Gore is pretty low, but guys wear a cup.

2

blood

BREASTS

You get Milo moobs. You’ll have to watch Choke if you want to partake in Gillian Jacobs’ assets.

5

beast

BEASTS

Like spooky children in horror movies, Milo gets ugly fast. From cuddly Gizmo to fed after midnight Spike.

4.7 OVERALL
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Watch the trailer to Bad Milo

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About the Highway

Lost Highway is your satirical detour down the twisted back roads of b-movies and cult films reviews. learn more >>