Dec

posted by Doktor | December 31, 2016 | 80's b-movies, Feature, Holiday films, Horror movies, Review by Doktor

Comments Off on The Twelve Slays of Xmas: The Seventh Slay

Season’s Grievings from your friends here at The Lost Highway. 2016 has been a difficult year. We lost Professor Snape, Admiral Ackbar, and even Alf. We watched as the United States of Earth was divided down the middle in a vicious election which still threatens to end in a nasty divorce. There were devastating natural disasters and Russians hacking. It’s been a real bummer.

And now to compound things it’s the holiday season, the worst wonderful time of the year. “While everybody else is opening up their presents, (others are) opening up their wrists” because “the suicide rate is always the highest around the holidays.” (Kate Beringer, Gremlins). In light of this year’s events, and the weight of the holiday season, what’s a mutant to do?

This Xmas we decided to put together a little gift to answer that question, a list of advice gleaned from the reel world of b-movies. We watched twelve Xmas themed movies and learned twelve valuable lessons to help navigate life.

The Lost Highway proudly presents: The Twelve Slays of Xmas.

The Seventh Slay of Xmas: Don’t Open Till Christmas

Things happen in Britain. Some of those things are murder. Some murders happen on Xmas. When all the former conditions are met invariably all the victims will all be people dressed as Santa. Whatever you do, DON’T dress as Santa when Santas are being murdered. This would seem fairly obvious, but, well, there you go.

Also, if someone is snooping around your car while you’re getting busy, and it’s Xmas, let ‘em watch. It’s the reason for the season. Plus, it’s how dogging got started.

Be sure to come back tomorrow for The Eighth Slay of Xmas: Christmas Evil

Watch the trailer for “Don’t Open Till Christmas”

trailers

dripper
Dec

posted by Doktor | December 30, 2016 | 2000's b-movies, Feature, Holiday films, Horror movies, Review by Doktor

Comments Off on The Twelve Slays of Xmas: The Sixth Slay

Season’s Grievings from your friends here at The Lost Highway. 2016 has been a difficult year. We lost Professor Snape, Admiral Ackbar, and even Alf. We watched as the United States of Earth was divided down the middle in a vicious election which still threatens to end in a nasty divorce. There were devastating natural disasters and Russians hacking. It’s been a real bummer.

And now to compound things it’s the holiday season, the worst wonderful time of the year. “While everybody else is opening up their presents, (others are) opening up their wrists” because “the suicide rate is always the highest around the holidays.” (Kate Beringer, Gremlins). In light of this year’s events, and the weight of the holiday season, what’s a mutant to do?

This Xmas we decided to put together a little gift to answer that question, a list of advice gleaned from the reel world of b-movies. We watched twelve Xmas themed movies and learned twelve valuable lessons to help navigate life.

The Lost Highway proudly presents: The Twelve Slays of Xmas.

The Sixth Slay of Xmas: Santa’s Slay

If you ever see Santa’s sleigh being pulled by a reinbison: RUN! Get as far away as fast as you can. This Santa is pissed off and everyone is on his naughty list. Naughty list = dead. Think Robot Santa Claus from Futurama but played by a much angrier Goldberg.

To all our Jewish friends out there, Hanukkah doesn’t exempt you. In Santa’s hands the menorah is a terrible weapon.

Be sure to come back tomorrow for The Seventh Slay of Xmas: Don’t Open Till Christmas

Watch the trailer for “Santa’s Slay”

trailers

dripper
Dec

posted by Doktor | December 29, 2016 | 80's b-movies, Feature, Holiday films, Horror movies, Review by Doktor

Comments Off on The Twelve Slays of Xmas: The Fifth Slay

Season’s Grievings from your friends here at The Lost Highway. 2016 has been a difficult year. We lost Professor Snape, Admiral Ackbar, and even Alf. We watched as the United States of Earth was divided down the middle in a vicious election which still threatens to end in a nasty divorce. There were devastating natural disasters and Russians hacking. It’s been a real bummer.

And now to compound things it’s the holiday season, the worst wonderful time of the year. “While everybody else is opening up their presents, (others are) opening up their wrists” because “the suicide rate is always the highest around the holidays.” (Kate Beringer, Gremlins). In light of this year’s events, and the weight of the holiday season, what’s a mutant to do?

This Xmas we decided to put together a little gift to answer that question, a list of advice gleaned from the reel world of b-movies. We watched twelve Xmas themed movies and learned twelve valuable lessons to help navigate life.

The Lost Highway proudly presents: The Twelve Slays of Xmas.

The Fifth Slay of Xmas: To All a GoodNight

Orphanages are bad, but that’s because the nuns running them are horrible demons sent from hell to torment the children. Girl’s finishing school are even worse, but that’s because the hell spawn are the girls living there. Self-centered and backstabbing, their only concern is to drug the den mother so they can have their boyfriends over for sex and drugs.

They all deserve to die.

Well, in the harsh reality of the horror movies they do. In real life their just misunderstood delicate little snowflakes. So, parents, if you want to spare your little angel be sure to look into the boarding house and the den mother. If you find either of the following do not leave your daughter over Xmas break, she will end up a holiday statistic, done in by a psychotic Santa:

  • The den mother lost her sweet baby girl because of the whoring sluts she lived with.
  • The den mother is married to a police officer who is in charge of investigating homicides.

If both are true then you might consider a different school. Who knows what other nut jobs this place has hired. Better to be safe than sorry.

Be sure to come back tomorrow for The Sixth Slay of Xmas: Santa’s Slay

Watch “To All a Goodnight”

trailers

dripper
Dec

posted by Doktor | December 28, 2016 | 80's b-movies, Feature, Holiday films, Horror movies, Review by Doktor

Comments Off on The Twelve Slays of Xmas: The Fourth Slay

Season’s Grievings from your friends here at The Lost Highway. 2016 has been a difficult year. We lost Professor Snape, Admiral Ackbar, and even Alf. We watched as the United States of Earth was divided down the middle in a vicious election which still threatens to end in a nasty divorce. There were devastating natural disasters and Russians hacking. It’s been a real bummer.

And now to compound things it’s the holiday season, the worst wonderful time of the year. “While everybody else is opening up their presents, (others are) opening up their wrists” because “the suicide rate is always the highest around the holidays.” (Kate Beringer, Gremlins). In light of this year’s events, and the weight of the holiday season, what’s a mutant to do?

This Xmas we decided to put together a little gift to answer that question, a list of advice gleaned from the reel world of b-movies. We watched twelve Xmas themed movies and learned twelve valuable lessons to help navigate life.

The Lost Highway proudly presents: The Twelve Slays of Xmas.

The Fourth Slay of Xmas: Elves

Never take Grandpa’s old German books. Nothing good can ever come from old German books. We all know the ANY story with old German stuff necessarily involves Nazis. Duh! Things get worse when you’re a young teenage girl of the blond hair, blue eye, master race variety (as are most ingenue in horror films). Take Kirsten, this is exactly the path she takes and ends up forming the idiotic cult Sisters of Anti-Xmas. She and her two friends pray to the virgin of Anti-Xmas in a woodland ritual which includes complaining about it being cold, and dirty, and ugh, yuck!

In the end her friends all die, as does her family, and she’s left with Dan “Grizzly Adams” Haggerty. Books, especially old German ones, are bad. Burn ‘em!

Be sure to come back tomorrow for The Fifth Slay of Xmas: To All a Goodnight

Watch the trailer for “Elves”

trailers

dripper
Dec

posted by Doktor | December 27, 2016 | 90's b-movies, Feature, Holiday films, Horror movies, Review by Doktor

Comments Off on The Twelve Slays of Xmas: The Third Slay

Season’s Grievings from your friends here at The Lost Highway. 2016 has been a difficult year. We lost Professor Snape, Admiral Ackbar, and even Alf. We watched as the United States of Earth was divided down the middle in a vicious election which still threatens to end in a nasty divorce. There were devastating natural disasters and Russians hacking. It’s been a real bummer.

And now to compound things it’s the holiday season, the worst wonderful time of the year. “While everybody else is opening up their presents, (others are) opening up their wrists” because “the suicide rate is always the highest around the holidays.” (Kate Beringer, Gremlins). In light of this year’s events, and the weight of the holiday season, what’s a mutant to do?

This Xmas we decided to put together a little gift to answer that question, a list of advice gleaned from the reel world of b-movies. We watched twelve Xmas themed movies and learned twelve valuable lessons to help navigate life.

The Lost Highway proudly presents: The Twelve Slays of Xmas.

The Third Slay of Xmas: Feeders 2: Slay Bells

One Xmas you might get a video camera from Santa. Maybe you hate the world and everyone in it. Maybe you’re tempted to make a movie, a sequel to your first flop film. Don’t do it. Please. For the love of Christ, don’t do it. The Hammond organ you use for the soundtrack will drown out everything else in the movie. The video effects your Atari 1040STE is capable of creating are only slightly better than crayon drawings by a person suffering a Grand Mal seizure. Most damning, the alien invaders will be attacking Wellsboro, Pennsylvania and no one cares about Wellsboro, Pennsylvania.

Get some shots of the family. Perhaps make a sex tape. Mostly just let it collect dust in the closet. The world will thank you for keeping it to yourself.

Be sure to come back tomorrow for The Fourth Slay of Xmas: Elves

Watch the trailer for “Feeders 2: Slay Bells”

trailers

dripper

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Lost Highway is your satirical detour down the twisted back roads of b-movies and cult films reviews. learn more >>



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