The plot, or as much of it as I could make out: This man dies in flagrante aardvarkus with a lady who finds biting chins intensely erotic. He turns out to the brother of the main character, Carol. She and her husband/boyfriend, (It’s never really made clear, also, only four or five of the charaters have names that I could make out. Bad audio on this sucker.), travel to England to settle the estate. Her brother’s widow is there, and she’s creepy, the house is without power, so they go about lighting the place with black candles. Carol doesn’t like the fact that all the candles are black, and EXTREMELY bright; two candles light her whole room! The lights in this room are CLEARLY on. Blow them out. There are also lots of demonic lithographs decorating the parlor. They’d make for some interesting needlepoint patterns. These turn on the boyfriend/husband, and not ten minutes into the film, we have another session of aardvarkery. The widow watches through a peephole, and abuses herself. Then she starts giving Carol teas made of herbs she refuses to identify. If more people would refuse to drink things that strangers bring them, we wouldn’t have many horror movies.

Then they start trying to spellify Carol and seduce her husband and get him to join their freaky coven run by the Reverend Hooper, (a priest with a coke fingernail) so she can get the inheritance. Carol suspects something is up, but keeps having nightmares about incestual relations with her brother while the widow watches…and joins in. The evil maid Georgina steals Carol’s necklace so they can put a spell on her; a spell involving the chin biting lady (Oh, her name is Annalise!) and a goat…and that’s as far as I’m going to go; your imaginations will not do what really happened justice, except for when the wide shots revealed it was a man in a goat suit. Here is a play-by play of my reactions during this scene:

Um, you’re not supposed to touch a goat like that.

Are they talking about what I think they’re talking about? Juices? Mingling?

They are.

In detail.

Oh God.

The maid and Annalise are combining their purchases. The preacher man interrupts.

Wait; why is she naked in the barn? No. no no no no no. No. This can’t…they can’t…OH MY GOD THEY DID! She’s…in…and…oh god…Wait; that’s a man in a goat

suit. Intercut with the…No no no please don’t kiss the goat. DON’T LICK THE GOAT’S EAR. OH GOD, WHY DID THEY DO THIS??

I had to pause the movie and get a drink. Ok, that’s better. Now, back to it.

While Carol is fully clothed and out dealing with solicitors (The British kind, not telemarketers or door-to-door salesmen), The widow and Carol’s husband get hopped up on herbs and, you guessed it, make the sign of the eight-tailed marmot. Then it shifts to her standing up, and then to a shot of a glass with…something yellowish in it. I feel like Brad Pitt at the end of Seven, screaming at my television, “WHAT’S IN THE GLASS? WHAT’S IN THE GLASS?” And then, the light revealed what I was afraid of. That sure as Hell ain’t sweet tea in that glass. I used to think I was kinky until I watched this movie.

As it progresses, I think more and more that this was a hardcore porn with the penetration scenes cut out, because these people are getting it on all over the place, in just about every imaginable combination. I’m surprised there isn’t more BDSM going on here, because in the movies Satanism, witchcraft, and demon worship usually go hand in hand with that sort of kink. The movie’s not over, yet, though.

Carol’s got some sort of mystery ailment, and the doctor’s in on it, and gives her some tranquilizers to mix with the herbal junk. The whole coven wants the inheritance, I suppose. They’re planning on giving her a stroke or something, then have a satanic orgy that Carol sees in a dream. OH WE SEE GAZEBOS! Hmm; they’re all into chin biting. Is that a Satanist thing? Just asking. Ok; so after that, the husband/boyfriend joins the naked coven and there’s another orgy. So Carol’s going to be driven mad by the Satanists. She’s smelling sulfur and hearing things; acting all paranoid when the Priest stares menacingly at her. Those are some groovy tie-dyed jeans she’s wearing, though. And she’s naked again! Does nobody here own pajamas? I can’t do this anymore. I can’t.

My apologies, folks; I can’t…let me get another drink. I will finish what I start!

The stable hands are all over each other, literally. Carol has stopped wearing pants altogether; then the maid’s husband lets the cat out of the bag, telling Carol about the whole demonic plot. He is killed, of course; I’ve never seen an execution by sword up the wazoo before. Carol is caught while on the run, and told she’s going to be Satan’s bride. This basically means she’s going to be annointed and ticker-taped by everyone. Then in a scene very reminiscent of Rosemary’s Baby, and twice as explicit, she is given a midair refuling by Satan.

BUT WAIT, IT WAS ALL A DREAM! Or was it…

Roadside Attractions: 48 Breasts. Yes, I’m serious, I counted them TWICE. 1 quart blood. 2 beasts, the goat and the man in the goat suit. Sword-fu, herbal tea-fu, so much aardvarking, in all combinations.

This is a basically a gothic porn in which Satan’s deeds are done not with spells or ritual, but with the whangdoodle. And it’s not sexy. This movie makes me want to talk to an adult I can trust. Total exploitation, nothing scary at all here, aside from the amount of body hair on these folks. This was such a turkey, I’d serve it for Thanksgiving dinner, and make pot pie with the leftovers. Do yourself a favor, don’t watch this alone, or you may turn into a deviant. Of course, if you’re already a deviant, like myself, then it’ll make you question your street cred. I have nothing to worry about, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

We are proud to announce Donna Bleed has joined Lost Highway offering up her snarky take on the best and worse of b-movie and cult films. We look forward to her down home wit and domesticated charming evil ways. Donna’s from down South, and will claim Georgia, South Carolina, or Tennessee as ‘home’ depending on what she’s doing. She says her husband’s people are from around here, that’s how she ended up She’s big on Emily Post, only violating her rules equal…well let’s just say you won’t like it. She’s sweet as Shirley Temple pudding otherwise, except for the delight she takes in scenes of madness and mayhem.

Donna Bleed is a woman made up of sugar, spice, and love of horror movies. She is acting manager of the Lost Highway Trailer Park, and a model housewife. Nobody’s ever seen her husband; Donna maintains he does a lot of night fishing, which nobody seems to question. His apparent absence gives Donna plenty of time to watch horror movies. She’s social, very neighborly, and a fantastic hostess, inviting the residents of the Lost Highway to watch movies with her, but should they misstep and not use a coaster, they may get one of her ’special’ cookies, and go night fishing. When not watching movies in the trailer, she’ll tool on down to Rosen’s Drive-In for the real thing. She keeps her machete sharp, and her mind sharper. Don’t ask her why she keeps a padlock on the deep freeze.

Whatever paranormal weirdness goes on along the Lost Highway she takes in stride, which may say something about her. Just don’t ignore that “No Solicitors” sign posted on the front door.

You can follow Donna on twitter here.  She maybe following you already. Sneaking up behind you with some bran muffins and a butcher knife.

We would like to thank Shannon Lark for doing this interview. Shannon can currently be seen in the movie, “Walking Distance” starring along side Reggie Bannister (Reggie from the Phantasm series) and Adrienne King (Friday the 13th).

LH: What director would you like to work with and why?

SL: Alejandro Jodorowsky. His work is phenomenal, surreal, and beautiful. If I could be lost forever in a Jodorowsky movie, it would be a lovely nightmare.

LH: In your opinion, what was Tim Burton’s last great film?

SL: I love all of Tim Burton’s work. Everything from “Edward Scissorhands” to “Alice.” In my perspective, he’s simply an artist who is learning and expressing himself through film. It’s been wonderful to see him grow and project himself through his characters.

LH: What is one B-movie or horror movie that was absolutely horrible to watch, but it had a great soundtrack?

SL: I’ve never seen a classic B-movie I didn’t like. However, the modern term for the “B” movie genre has seemed to create badly shot video, and has lost the glamor that the classic B-movies created. The worst modern B-movie I have ever seen was “The BTK Killer.” It was so bad I had to shut it off. I felt bad because I can hang with the worst, but the soundtrack was never going to save this film.

LH: Can you tell us more about the Viscera Film Festival that you created?

SL: Viscera is a Festival for women horror filmmakers. We screen, distribute, and promote short horror films made by women all over the world. Sponsors assist in the promotion process and critique the films, along with screening them in various geographical areas. The Festival is about getting exposure for the filmmakers, and assisting those filmmakers in growing in their craft. This year we had our first premiere in Los Angeles and showcased over 28 films with an award ceremony and special guests. Along with turning Viscera into a non profit organization, we are busy with launching our new submission phase, preparing a new website and the 2011 Festival.

LH: What is your favorite classic black and white horror or Sci-fi movie?

SL: I would have to say the Twilight Zone really does it for me. I grew up watching the show and would run and hide in the closet when the climax came.

LH: What are your thoughts about how both independent and major movie studios today are mainly using CGI to replace traditional, practical visual effects like latex and corn syrup with red food dye?

SL: If you’re talking FX, I’m a traditional kind of girl, sort of. When it’s used as an atmospheric setting and an entire world is being created from CGI (such as in “Pan’s Labyrinth”), I think it works great. But for horrific monsters and blood, practical FX should definitely be used. A huge budget is the only way CGI will look good, and using it will create a more fantasy-like experience, as opposed to a horrific one. Particularly in B-movies, I despise green screens/cgi unless it’s meant to look terrible and give a throwback to camp. Because it does.
However, the exception to the rule is “King Kong” by Peter Jackson. Kong looked wonderful in CGI, but he was supposed to be seen as a sweet ape, not a menacing or terrifying character. Also, they had a ridiculous amount of money to make him look good.

LH: You’ve been very successful as a writer, dancer, director, and actress, so what is the one thing you want to accomplish, but haven’t been able to do yet?

SL: I would like to direct and produce several feature films, with varying types of budgets.

LH: How was it seeing Adrienne King of “Friday the 13th, Part 2″ fame back onscreen in the movie “Walking Distance”?

SL: It was exhilarating. Everyone on set could tell that she was very excited to be back in action. She is an absolutely wonderful person. It blows me away every time I think about it!

LH: Do you see yourself always being involved at some level in the horror genre?

SL: Most definitely. One of my personal heroes is Frances Bay, and she is in her 90’s and still working. That’s how I will be.

LH: Would you ever consider crossing over into mainstream movies, being that you are a huge supporter of the indie film scene?

SL: Yes, I would. But I definitely wouldn’t stay there and walk away from independents. It’s been a hard road for me because I do not do nudity, so working exclusively in independent horror has brought some challenges that I’ve had to overcome. Roles have been continuously out of my reach for many years because of not wanting to disrobe. I have nothing against actresses who do nudity, but there should be a choice. To me, movies are movies. A filmmaker doesn’t need 40 million dollars to make a good movie, or alot of characters, or even FX. It’s the acting and pacing that’s important. These are the movies I seek, high budget or not.

LH: A lot of production companies and websites out there don’t have names that really grab your attention, so how did you come up with the memorable name “The Chainsaw Mafia”?

SL: I was talking to a friend about starting up a website to help filmmakers and potential filmmakers in getting together and creating. I was a bit disappointed at the lack of community online for the horror genre at the time, so the name just made perfect sense. I launched TCM a year later, in 2004. Since then the site has definitely taken off and promoted a lot of artists, which has been unbelievable, and a lot of work. Recently, I passed the CEO position over to the editor, Jamie Jenkins, so I can focus on my acting and directing.

LH: If you could be in a horror movie from the 80’s, which one would it be?

Hellraiser. The atmosphere is very, very well done. OR The Shining: I could see me losing myself in that hotel. Everything about the music, the characters, and the pacing is wonderful.

LH: In your opinion, what is the one horror movie that perfectly blends its social message(s) with the story, characters, and visual elements?

SL: I would have to say “American Psycho,” which is a perfect representation of the striving aspect of American society that is ruthless, hallucinatory, obsessive, and needs therapeutic attention. However, on the outside, Bateman is cool, calm, and collected to all of his important colleagues. His behavior towards women and to men (who, in his mind, have more than him) shows a sick, internal struggle within our society: the strive for perfection can be a killer.

If you haven’t already, check out Shannon’s Highway Hotties page.

This t-shirt from fright rags is actually scarier than the whole movie.

Back in the 70’s and early 80’s there was a rash of machines gone wild movies. There was a demon Lincoln in “The Car”, a stalking semi-truck in “Duel” and some radioactive big rigs in “Maximum Overdrive.” One movie often over looked though was “Killdozer.” This 1974 made for TV movie revolved around the idea that construction equipment while incredibly loud and slow can also be an effective stalking killing machine.  In reality it’s about as effective as an overweight ninja…..if that Ninja is flatulent….and you’re an inanimate object like a potted plant.

A group of construction workers are clearing land on an island making room for what must be dozens of  strip malls when a meteorite suddenly strikes their work site. Thankfully, 70’s star Robert Urich is there to save the day and tries to bulldoze over the big hunk of pulsating space rock. The meteorite goes mini super nova and transfers it’s glow into the bulldozer leaving a fondue faced Robert Urich to die an agonizing made for TV death. Back at the workers camp, Clint Howard is our reluctant baritoned hero. He’s a construction foreman with a drinking problem (shocking I know). After the accident he begins to suspect the strange humming bulldozer might have some homicidal tendencies but feels better to just keep it a secret. He’s not too surprised when it trashes their camp the next day and turns one of his men into a human burrito stuffed in a drainage pipe. The rest of the men flee (walk briskly) to slightly higher ground since the bulldozer’s greatest weakness is slight inclines and can only travel about 8mph. These guys aren’t the sharpest tools in the shed though and devise increasingly dumb ways to combat the malevolent machine including starting a fire that it bulldozes right over or trying to drive a truck full of explosives into it. After a failed  game of chicken with their army jeep the two survivors decide to battle Killdozer with a digger crane in what can only amount to the lamest game of rock em’ sock em’ robots ever. Couldn’t they just wait for the thing to run out of gas? A riding lawnmower is scarier than this movie. Let’s check out the Roadside Attractions: Deep fried Urich, Jeep wrangling, Rock-slide Fu, Glow rocks, Drain tube crushing, Electroshock oil change, Bulldozer hit and run..er..I mean mozy along. Retroman says check it out…but if a homicidal bulldozer is ever barreling down on you at tops speeds, be sure to step aside…after a while…ya know when you feel like it. Take your time though, there’s no rush.

You can watch the entire movie on YouTube. Shockingly, nobody has threatened to take it down. They probably figured nobody’s watching it except for the Urich family. Part 1 is below and the rest are available on that Youtube site all the cool kids are talking about.

Looking for hard to find cult movies and unreleased DVD’s of some vintage b-movies then check out www.superstrangevideo.com. They provide many of the movies we review here at the site and will give you a great price on whatever film you’re trying to track down.

It’s been nearly 4 years since that faithful day Lost Highway launched and the internet gave a collective sigh of relief so we want to give something back to all our fans. Tracking down each of you individually and giving you an awkward bro’ hug would have been too time consuming so we’re giving away 4 AUTOGRAPHED prints instead. Yes you can win all 4 of these collector b-movie posters illustrations created by yours truly, Retroman Steve as well as a limited edition DeathRace 2000 DVD, the first movie we reviewed back in 2006.

These are 11 by 17 gloss limited prints and will be worth 1000’s of dollars (if you wrap them around a bar of gold or stick them in a Ming vase.) The runner up will get their choice of a poster. Winners will be randomly chosen Sept 17th. So follow the instructions at the bottom below the poster images and good luck. May the Drive-in Gods look kindly upon you.

There are 3 great AND VERY EASY ways to enter! Do just one of them or do all of them. It really doesn’t matter because you are the master of your own universe and can make informed decisions.

ENTER THE GIVEAWAY BY ANY OR ALL OF THE FOLLOWING:

1.) Like Lost Highway on Facebook and post a comment that you’d like to enter the contest. If you already like us there just do the post! [1 Entry]

or

2.) Follow Lost Highway on Twitter and post: “I want to win custom B-movie posters from @LostHighway – http://bit.ly/dbdtDU #contest #losthighway” [Max 7 entries. 1 Per day]

or

3) Refer someone to follow Lost Highway on Twitter and have them tweet: “@LostHighway , @(your Twitter name here) had me follow you for winning b-movie illustrations!” [Max 20 Entries]

Each entry will be assigned a number and then 2 numbers will be randomly selected with our nuclear powered random number selector 2000 MXL accelerator. When the power comes back on we’ll contact you. Fair enough? Eesh it’s all about you isn’t it? You just take and take and take. What about our needs?