The Lost Highway's B-movie Reviews and Cult Films
Dec

Comments Off on Nightmare City (aka City of the Walking Dead)

Nightmare City
1980 – Not Rated – Raro Video

Zombies, zombies and more zombies. No matter which direction you pivot your head, there they are. Bland. Dull. Boring. Far outlived their lifespan (they are undead after all, har har). To me, they all blend in together, offering nothing new, exciting or even entertaining to the sub-genre. I’ve made this argument a hundred times before, so I won’t rehash it again. Of course this isn’t the first time we’ve seen a zombie trend. In the 80’s, we saw a boom from Italy, flooding our film market with imitators and clones. But there was undeniably a certain charm and originality to them that today’s zombie films seem to lack, be it good (or bad) makeup effects, bizarrely odd characters or even seemingly intentional insane plots.

Let’s look at Cannibal Ferox director Umberto Lenzi’s zombie romp, Nightmare City, also released here in the States as City of the Walking Dead (not to be confused with Fulci’s City of the Living Dead). I remember first seeing this movie at the local video store in the big box, with the topless woman, half her face ripped off, under the City of the Walking Dead title. Although these mutants or creatures share characteristics of zombies, director Umberto Lenzi claims it’s not as much as a zombie movie as it is a “radiation sickness movie.” I already did a video review for this film on Goon Reviews, so I’ll do my best not to repeat myself. By the way, WATCH MY VIDEO REVIEW HERE! Now that the shameless plug is out of the way…

nc_2We start this puppy off like most Italian horror films, by establishing shots of a city (D’oh! I already repeated myself). It’s totally irrelevant to anything in the plot, not like you never know what city you are in, but you are in a city. But within this city is uncanny reporter, Dean Miller (Hugo Stiglitz). Dean is just waking up in time for his big interview with a scientist for whatever reason you would interview a scientist for. Now, remember this scene, because it may just come back…

Once at the airport, a military plane does an emergency landing as security personal and Dean line up outside the plane. Nobody seems to be responding to the calls for them to step out, which brings up my next question: Why the hell does airport security have machine guns? I can’t get a stick of gum through security, but these dudes are toting fully automatic weapons? Well those guns might come in use, because once those doors open, a swarm of radioactive infected mutant people (we’ll just simply call them zombies from here on) rush out and start to kill everyone! And by that I mean, they slash at the soldiers from about six feet away and they jump back. Ever watch a group of kids pretend to fight because they are playing superheroes or something? Anyway, Dean just stands idly by, looking bored until he realizes, “Oh we should probably leave.”

There is actually something these zombies are doing that you may have noticed is quite unique from other zombies. Yeah, they are using weapons and running! How about that? If there is one thing you have to give this movie credit for, it’s that it tried to do something different with a genre that even they knew was going to quickly become mundane. It’s a breathe of fresh air, as it actually gives this nonsensical film an (at the time) original spin.

nc_3Dean wants to alert the area of this atrocity, which is a clever and rational thing to do, but the man, General Murchison specifically, censors him like communist Russia and Dean is immediately suspended from work. And you thought you were having a bad day! Meanwhile on the opposite end of the spectrum, Major Holmes (Mel Ferrer) is about to “hit that” when he’s alerted of the crisis and put into action. Looks like a cold shower for you this morning, Major. At ease!

It’s just like the authority to be late on the action. The zombies bust in to the TV station, which is totally convenient to move this somewhat of a plot along. While the military is figuring out what to do and calling their loved ones, Dean heads over to the hospital to save his woman, since he’s a man of action. Even with the zombies killing everyone in the hospital, Dean still manages to save her in a heroic, muscle bound brute fashion as they get away in a Volkswagen Beetle. Get outta here, ’69 Dodge Charger, ya schmuck… make way for the new muscle car!

The remainder of the film is actually quite redundant. The various characters are taking shelter, trying to stay alive, but alas failing to do so. Dean and his wife find themselves holed up at various locations, each time she vomits out nonsense women’s lib and the evil of mankind. I’m not saying women’s lib is nonsense, but trust me… you do not want this woman speaking for your cause. However, Dean is always spared from these self indulgent speeches as zombies always seem to attack and the two flee to the next location to repeat this tired process. It would be boring if it weren’t for the unintentionally amusingly, stupid decisions that these characters constantly make. Seriously, they make Gomer Pyle look dignified and subtle. You will feel like you’re stuck in a loop, kinda like Groundhog Day, but instead of reliving the same day with the freedom to take what you previously learned and do as you please, you have to watch the same scene over and over and over…

nc_4They finally wind up at an amusement park (Zombieland nods, perhaps?) where guess what? That’s right! Zombie attack! Only this time, Dean takes the fight over flee and scoops up a machine gun and grenades (GRENADES!?!?) and mows down zombie after zombie Rambo style, one arming, using the “spray and pray” method. As he and his wife climb to the top of a roller coaster, Major Holmes arrives in a chopper to try and rescue them. As the two make their way up the ladder, Dean’s wife falls and plummets to her death, smacking every poll on the way down in perhaps one of cinema’s most hilarious death scenes. But, this film does not end the way you think it would. Not even close… hint: Think Phantasm.

Raro Video once again restores a classic from the original 35mm and let me tell you, this is the best it will ever look (until there is a new way to transfer in the future). After comparing it to the Anchor Bay DVD release, this new HD transfer has less grain and the colors and contrast look quite good. Everything looks very crisp, which is unfortunate for the special effects, as it seems to highlight how terrible they are and reveals every flaw. The audio is 2.0 and you get both English and Italian. Although it’s stereo, it sounds pretty good and everything sounds clear as rain, which is more than you could ask for. However, if you’re looking for special features, I’m afraid you won’t find much as far as quantity goes, but quality wise, there is a rather excellent interview with Umberto Lenzi from 2000 that runs almost an hour long. I found it to be informative to watch. Other than that, you get both Italian and American trailers, which to me look identical. This is all packaged underneath an old fashioned, but still cool slip cover (which the film Demon Queen stole the image for), which reveals the classic artwork you are probably most accustomed to. Overall, a well packaged transfer worth the investment (you’re welcome, Raro… when can I expect my check?).

Nightmare City
For all the negative things I had to say about Nightmare City, at least it’s pretty damn original and fun. It’s not your typical zombie film, offering more intelligent “undead” that wield weapons, make semi-rational decisions and run. Fans of average, run of the mill zombie media may not find enjoyment in the film, but I suggest you put away that Walking Dead chubby every seems to have, take a risk and watch something different, such as Nightmare City. The gore isn’t necessarily excessive, but there is a decent amount. The acting is exactly how good you would expect it to be (although a lot of that is to blame on the almost early FMV game style audio dubbing) and although the plot is downright silly and, let’s face it, it is a stupid movie, you will find yourself having a good time, whether you are laughing at it for one or two of the various reasons you should be, I think you will be pleasantly pleased with Nightmare City.

Check out this review and plenty others at Goon Reviews.

roadside attractions

  • Mild mannered reporter, Hugo Stiglitz.
  • Runner up for worst zombie makeup.
  • Mel Ferrer or Tommy Lee Jones?
  • Ninja Doc!
  • Blood drinking zombies.
  • Women’s lib and coffee talk.
  • Best amusement park ride ever!
  • The nightmare truly is a reality. Harsh.
totals

7

blood

BLOOD

There is a decent amount of the ‘bright red bonanza’ as well as few other spectacles, like a head explosion.

5

blood

BREASTS

What would an aerobics class be without boobs?

8

beast

BEASTS

Running zombies are a scary thing, regardless of how stupid your characters are.

6.6 OVERALL
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Dec

posted by admin | December 21, 2013 | 60's movies, foreign, Horror movies, Reviews by the Goon, screeners, Suspense

Comments Off on The Whip and the Body

The Whip and the Body
1963 – Unrated – Kino Lorber

Mario Bava has a unique way of building suspense, creating an eerie mood and combining it all into a bone chilling tale. His films mix that moody atmosphere filled with sounds of the night, illuminating objects with odd florescent lights and drawing tension out so thin, you could cut it with a whisper. If Dario Argento is considered as “The Italian Hitchcock,” then what does that make Bava? To be honest, Bava’s style is so unique, that there is no comparing him to anyone else. He’s just as important to cinema as filmmakers like Alfred Hitchcock, Stanley Kubrick or Michael Bay… No wait, not that last one.

Let’s take a look at his Gothic suspense thriller The Whip and the Body for example. It’s not exactly your traditional murder mystery. You mix in a castle and a ghost… now it’s starting to sound like Scooby and the gang should be in this.

wab_2As the sun rises… or sets, either way the sky is fading from a dark blue to a purple as waves crash against a beach and then suddenly a castle appears atop of a cliff in the background! At first I thought it was a ghost castle or would play a part later on in the movie (hint: it doesn’t). So, hmm… chalk that up to continuity? We see a man named Kurt, played devilishly by Christopher Lee, who has returned home to wish his brother well on his new marriage to his own old flame, the smoking hot Nevenka. Something about that seems sour. Of course if you cast Christopher Lee, you may as well have a large neon sign that says, “I AM THE VILLAIN!” following him around. However Kurt doesn’t get the warm welcome he… or you… you know what, no one was expecting, especially the maid, Georgia. Georgia’s daughter fell in love with Kurt after he seduced her, so when he left, she had stabbed herself in the neck. His father, The Count, has also turned Kurt’s estate over to his brother Christian. He’s a vile, sinister and untrustworthy man, but regardless, Christian allows him to stay. Welcome home, Kurt!

So you say goth, sleaze and murder isn’t enough for you? Kurt reveals he knows that his cousin Katia is secretly in love with Christian, throwing the taboo of incest into the mix. He feels her pain, as he is still infatuated with Nevenka and plans to take her back. After all, women are property. But that’s not his only diabolical plan. After entering his father’s room via hidden rotating wall behind a fireplace (which is a total villain move, how can you not know this guy is evil?), he tell his dying father that he plans to take back his estate as well, who in turn tells Kurt that will never happen. Kurt then storms off in a very sophisticated and formal temper tantrum.

wab_3He huffs and puffs his daddy issues away to the beach where he finds Nevenka and brings up the good ol’ times, which seems to spark up some fiery passion, since he takes her whip and lashes it across her back (oh, so that’s where the title comes from!). Since he’s a sadist and she’s a masochist (this is starting to sound like a sitcom), they embrace and make love or “boink” on the beach. He leaves her there, unconscious and delusional for Christian and groundskeeper Losat (who reminds me of Smolkin from The Undead) to find. Kurt’s a “hump and dump” kind of guy. Yeah, things seem to be going according to Kurt’s plan, until somebody puts the kibosh on it by stabbing him in the neck with the same knife that Georgia’s daughter committed suicide with.

After putting Kurt to rest, the family decides they should probably find out who done it, with The Count being the prime suspect and he doesn’t take kindly to this accusation. To make things worse, Christian’s marriage with Nevenka seems to be falling apart as they have a lover’s spat. That night, Nevenka has a haunting vision of Kurt, brought attractively to life with the Giallo style lighting and eerie cinematography, as he lashes into her with the whip. Meanwhile, The Count is found murdered in the same fashion, stabbed through the neck. All signs for the murders point to Georgia, but her love for The Count would prevent her from doing such things. So who else could it be? Katia? The creepy Losat? Or as Christian is becoming to believe, the ghost of Kurt? Wait, what?! As Nevenka is becoming more seemingly delusional, seeing footprints and more visions of Kurt, she convinces Christian that it may not be a completely crazy idea. The ghost of his dead brother, coming back to haunt those that have taken from him, betrayed him and murdered him. Crazier things have happened (take the plot of Baby Geniuses for example).

wab_4As Kurt’s laugh echoes through the castle, Nevenka further spirals into insanity and Christian must find out what exactly is going on, as they chase a cloaked figure through the cold stone walls of their home. And seeing as how he can’t call the Ghostbusters, he’ll have to uncover the identity of the murderer and lay the specter to rest with the help of Losat to stop the madness!

The Whip and the Body is a dark and moody film, and I don’t mean primarily the tone. Kino Lorber’s new transfer from the original 35mm showcases this magnificent CMYK color palette, as they corrected the color and contrast, but seem to have left the rest of the print as is. Some of the darker scenes can seem out of focus and grainy, but for a print being as old as it is, it still looks pretty sharp. The overall look is something out of a lucid nightmare. The colors are lambent, vibrant hues of a Giallo film, all seemingly fitting the mood of the scene. Blues and magenta’s highlight the darkness and danger that lurk around the corner. The sound blasts through in true traditional 2.0 mono with either English, French or Italian dialogue (subtitles are provided). However, as beautiful as it is, you probably will grow tired of the string and piano theme that seems to constantly play. Also, another actor dubbed the voice of Christopher Lee in the English track, who as you all know has a very distinct voice, so it will throw you off at first. Unfortunately, no extras are to be found here, but just enjoy the damn movie, you brat!

The Whip and the Body
You don’t have to be a fan of Bava to enjoy The Whip and the Body. It’s a daunting tale of sadism and treachery, spun with murder and madness. This film is one of the prime examples to enjoy or be introduced to Mario Bava (possibly even giving some of you your first ” Bava Boner”). If that’s your bag, then pick up a copy of the Blu-ray or Christopher Lee will break in to your house in the middle of the night and whip you with your car antenna. Dude’s got issues.

Check out this review and plenty others at Goon Reviews.

roadside attractions

  • The Amazing Appearing out of Thin Air Castle!
  • Christopher Lee glare of death.
  • You don’t have to go to the South for some good ol’ cousin loving.
  • Pain in the neck.
  • Corpse burning.
  • Crazy castle.
totals

6

blood

BLOOD

Little bit of running blood and a burning corpse, but it’s more about the suspense.

4

blood

BREASTS

Daliah Lavi keeps her wonderful pair covered for the most part… mostly.

9

beast

BEASTS

When Christopher isn’t walking around like the menacing presence he is, Daliah Lavi is running around mad.

6.3 OVERALL
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Dec

posted by Barry Goodall | December 18, 2013 | 80's b-movies, 80's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Review by Barry Goodall

Comments Off on Return of the Living Dead 2

Ya know what sticks in my craw? That I can’t tell the difference between most of the Baldwin brothers. It’s like a family of doppelgangers. Sure we all know Alec was one of the dead guys on Beetlejuice who talked about his Schweaty balls a lot, but the heck if I can keep the rest of the family straight. I think There’s Stephen, William and…uh… Tito, Jose? They all just sorta blend together especially if you move your head really fast. It’s just a big blur of hair gel and sly grinning. Oh, I’m sure some of them made a good movie here or there, but you could drop any one of them in and switch them out like wiper blades. Nobody would even notice the difference. Heck, I’m not entirely sure that Alec isn’t just punking us into thinking he even has brothers. Maybe he just pretends to be one of them when he wants to play WORDS W FRIENDS on an airplane. Like the Baldwins, I feel much the same way about Return of the Living Dead films. The first one pretty much set the bar for the zomb-coms everywhere. I mean who can forget Linnea shakin’ her money makers on a tombstone, but the rest of the sequels are pretty much the same film over and over. In fact Return of the Living Dead part 2, even has the some of the same actors, James Karen and Thom Matthews. They still play two dimwits who whine about getting turned into brain eating zombies. Excuse me, that already happened in the first film! It’s like the casting director never got the memo that the entire cast getting wiped out in a nuclear blast.

Anyhow, this time around an army truck full of canned zombies accidentally bounces one out the back into 12 year old Jesse’s backyard. He and some neighborhood bullies pop one open causing some green gas to seep into the nearby cemetery. And like everyone knows, when you got green gas around tombstones you get zombies (though it does keep the weeds down.) The Undead break out of mausoleums and start clawing their way up throughout the dirt for a big zombie rave. Seems the only people it town that know about it are Jessee, his areobicizing sister and their cable installer but they all keep the hard thinking to a minimum. Meanwhile all the zombie folk have started brain munching up and down main street and eating runaway pets. A couple of grave robbers Joey and Eddy run into the gang who steal their van and decided the best course of action is to scream a lot and argue. They head to the hospital with their neighborhood doctor just as Joey and Ed begin to show signs of the zombie-flu. Joe eventually goes full on zombie and chases down his girlfriend to an empty church so he can eat her “spicy brains” because he “loves her.” it’s a very tender moment and a weird way to get engaged.

The remaining survivors try to lure the zombies with a hansel and gretel trail of brains bits back to the power station. Their plan is to hose them down and barbecue the dead folk like pulled pork sandwiches with the electric grid. It’s rare to see so many dead people harlem shake. ROTLD2 has Plenty of great f/x zombie action that make up for the cheesy slapstick including a girl punching a zombie through the face and a zombie getting cut in half and still managing a decent moonwalk. Highway honors go to Marsha Dietlein for uttering the great line “they’re ugly and they’re dirty and they’re dumb and I don’t even care if they are dead, they’re not touching me.” now that’s a girl with high standards. I’ll give this a 2 1/2 out of 5 brain pans anyways with an extra half brain pan for the Michael Jackson cameo. Barry Goodall says, dig yourself up a copy or just check out part 3,4,5…doesn’t really matter just don’t open up any more dang army containers.

roadside attractions

  • Areobicizing zombies
  • Stab through the chest
  • Face smashing
  • Severed heads
  • Screwdriver through the head
  • Mom chomping
  • Pet snacks
  • Severed hand jive
  • Shot gun to the groin
  • Half a zombie dance
  • Death by electrocution
  • Chin removal
  • Brain trails
  • Eye popping
  • Multiple screw driver impalements
totals

5

blood

BLOOD

lots of yellow puss and green goo but not much of the red stuff. Must be the embalming fluid

0

blood

BREASTS

None. This could be the first family friendly zombie film ever.

9

beast

BEASTS

100’s of zombies and a Michael Jackson impersonator.

7.2 OVERALL
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Dec

Comments Off on Silent Night, Deadly Night 3: Better Watch Out

Silent Night Deadly Night 3
1989 – R – Quiet Films Inc.

A franchise has never turned sour so quickly quite like the Silent Night, Deadly Night series. You could argue that it all started with the second film, thanks to Eric Freeman’s overzealous performance as the Santa Claus Killer, Ricky Caldwell. However, there is a certain charm to the film, still having an enamoring Christmas theme and has that holiday feel to it that makes you all warm inside and want to kill something. And you can call it over the top, you can call it hammy, but no matter how you cut it, Eric Freeman’s performance is abnormally memorable. Too bad nothing like that can be said about its sequel, Silent Night, Deadly Night 3: Better Watch Out.

And that’s where my beef starts with this. Right from the start, before you even watch the movie, just look at that title… it’s way too long! Do you know how tired I am of typing that out already? And does it really need a subtitle? Subtitles are more used now for films that don’t want to number their series, but in retrospect, horror franchises all numbered and gave their sequels subtitles. So what’s the point in complaining? Putting off the inevitable. Let’s reach into our dirty stocking and pull out the lump of coal that is Silent Night, Deadly Night 3.

sndn_2Taking place six years after the events of its predecessor, Ricky is now in a coma and has a fishbowl with wires hanging out of it on top of his head, covering his exposed brain. This contraption is straight out of an old Universal monster movie, it’s so awesome. The movie opens up in a white room with no windows, which is coincidental since that is most likely where you will end up after seeing this. A young woman awakens from a bed to find Ricky (played by Bill Moseley this time… but hold off on your applause), who jolts out of bed holding a scalpel. She bolts and finds herself in a hallway, occupied only by Santa Claus, so she does the only plausible thing to do in that situation: Sit on his lap. After telling him what she wants for Christmas, he raises a butcher knife…

Yup, that’s your type of scares for this movie. Emotionless looking people holding up sharp objects. Someone may as well jump out from a corner and shout “BOO” at me.

By now, you’re probably thinking, “What the hell is going on?” This when the young lady named Laura wakes up screaming. So what did that dream have to do with anything and why was Ricky in it? Well, Laura is… and I can’t believe I have to say this, a blind clairvoyant and as we all know, the ability to enter other people’s minds is a super power that all blind people possess. I feel like that is a seriously misguided false stereotype, kinda like how all white people can’t dance. Okay, for the most part that is true, but there have been some fantastic example of white people dancing, like John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever.

I rest my case.

sndn3_3Anyway, we’re gonna pause there for a moment and I’m going to point out that it’s been roughly five minutes and already the movie has lost me. You may be asking your television questions like, “Huh?” or “What the hell does this have to do with Christmas?” To answer the question, the movie takes place on Christmas Eve and Laura’s doctor, Dr. Newburry, is using her to reach Ricky with her powers for (what else?) science. And that’s all you need to know. Or that’s all they bother telling us. They never really say if it’s for evil science or good science, which I feel is something they really needed to categorize here, otherwise how else am I supposed to know if he is the antagonist other than the fact he is a total douche? Laura no longer wants to do the experiments and heads to her granny’s house along with her brother Chris (played by Twin Peaks‘ Eric Da Rae) and his girlfriend, who is foreign and that’s all you need to know. Laura instantly hates her and the three set out for the most awkward car ride of all time. Wee!

Meanwhile, guess who wakes up from their coma and kills a drunk, heckling Santa impersonator? That’s right, but for some reason Ricky doesn’t take the festive outfit and hitchhikes in his hospital gown and exposed brain, where as the Santa suit would have disguised his freaky nature! He kills a few more hospital workers, casually strolls out the front door and hitchhikes like someone who looks like Dr. Frankenstein’s experiment is a normal thing. A trucker picks him up anyway (well now I feel foolish) to chalk up a few kills at a gas station and some new duds, then off to Granny’s. But how did he know to go there? Turns out, the psychic link thingy that Laura shares with him is two ways, much like all relationships. You take crap and you give crap, am I right?

Granny also seems to have psychic powers, but only to show that it’s hereditary (maybe?). Granny gets a whole use out of this power, playing a pivotal scene, announcing to herself, out loud that the phone will ring… and yet she can’t tell that Ricky, the zombie looking guy who’s acting creepy will show up unexpectedly and is going to kill her! Shortly thereafter, our unlikable trio arrives and Laura gets the sixth sense that something is wrong. Her brother shakes it off his denim jacket, throws his blonde wavy locks to the side and goes off to make sweet love in the bathtub while clogging the drain with his hairy chest. Seriously, dude is like a werewolf. The cops (okay, a cop) and Dr. Newburry head off to find Ricky at Granny’s, but will they be too late before Ricky kills the disposable brother and his strange accented girlfriend? Yes. Yes they will be.

It’s an incredibly silly movie with an incredibly silly ending.

sndn3_4You know what this movie is? It’s that movie playing on TV that other characters in other movies are watching. You spot it in the background and think to yourself, “Wow, that looks incredibly generic. I wish I were watching that!” But really you don’t wish that. Nothing about this movie sticks out as a good movie, then again nothing really sticks out about it being a really terrible movie. Sure, it’s a bad movie, but it’s just kinda there. It comes off as boring and the actor’s performances really convey this, as the majority of them seem to be sleepwalking through the film (quite literally with Ricky). Nobody seems to be enjoying the fact that they are making a movie, but instead walking into frame, recite a line and halfheartedly react to it. Not only that, but the plot seems rather generic (along with its supposed scares). In fact, the script feels rushed and thrown together at the last minute and wouldn’t you know it, it was! Apparently, the shooting script was scrapped very shortly before filming began and they wrote and shot a different one, so what we get is a movie thrown together with the most run of the mill and safe ideas, where if you were to describe this movie to anyone, it would sound like every horror movie ever made.

Silent Night Deadly Night 3
You would think after watching Silent Night, Deadly Night 3, there would be no way a series could stray further from the source, but you would be wrong. It only gets further and weirder from here.

Check out this review and plenty others at Goon Reviews.

roadside attractions

  • Brain in a bowl.
  • Psychics can’t see.
  • A Leo Johnson Christmas.
  • Hitchhiking half-head.
  • Mind game Granny!
  • Dr. Douche
  • Fire poker impalement.
totals

5

blood

BLOOD

It’s kinda splashed around here and there, but the exposed brain is kinda cool.

2

blood

BREASTS

Eric Da Rae’s hairy chest, soaked in bath suds for the ladies.

4

beast

BEASTS

You have Bill Moseley sleepwalking through the film and that Doctor being a turd. I seriously hate that guy.

3.6 OVERALL
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Dec

posted by Barry Goodall | December 12, 2013 | Feature, Uncategorized

Comments Off on the Mutants B-Movie Gift Wishlist

Tis the Season for B-movie goodness and the Lost Highway mutants are hoping Santa brings them something soaked in b-movie cheese sauce. You should buy one of each of these  gift ideas for every member of your family this holiday season. If you don’t, then it’s obvious that you don’t love them.

The Goon’s Gift List

I no longer would have to wonder who I could call with my very own unlicensed nuclear accelerator. Busting ghosts around the crib would no longer be a hassle. I could also start a side business, kinda like when kids mow your lawn for twenty bucks, but they do a really bad job of it.

How else would you listen to one of the greatest soundtracks to a horror film in the past decade? One of the coolest companies, putting out one of the coolest soundtracks on vinyl, Mondo even got artist extraordinaire Jeff Proctor to illustrate the sleeve.

You will know I am the law when you see me strolling in my neighborhood wearing this badboy, day and night. Of course, it looks like it doesn’t vent well and would probly get really stinky. Then again, it would probly gain me a whole lot of respect. Judges don’t get much street cred.

Tiger Sixon’s Gift List


If’n you’re gonna go out and bust some heads, why not do it in style with a Warrior’s Vest? Start your own gang, which could come in handy while shopping for gifts.

Winter calls for a good quality hat, and there ain’t no better hat than the one Kurt Russell wore in The Thing. Sure, it might not make you a better chess player or helicopter pilot, but dang-it, you’ll sure look good.

Everyone needs a buddy for watchin’ bad movies, and who could be better than Mr. Crow T. Robot? Now, I’ll have someone besides the rats to keep me company.

Barry Goodall’s Gift List

The perfect gift for that favorite 99% in your life. Blend in with the rest of our alien overlords with this amazingly detailed mask from Trick or Treat Studios. No need to get into a 10 minute street fight to force your buddy wear a pair of sunglasses to see it.

Despite playing a unhealthy level of video games when left alone at the carnie trailer I never actually got to play this little gem of 80’s horror-gaming. From what I hear the graphics are ground breaking, Jason has never looked more horrifying and there’s a special god mode that allows you play as a virgin.

I know it’s hard to believe but I didn’t use to be as popular with the ladies as I am today. That was until I bought one of these amazing Twilight movie hairdryers. I immediately was more attractive to pretty girls with little or no personalities.  and despite my own blandness, my skin began to sparkle in the sunlight. Thought I might enjoy a good pint of  blood now I find myself getting into a lot more werewolf fights than I use to.

The Doktor

All I want for Xmas, Hanukkah, Eid, my birthday, Easter, and/or any other gift-giving holiday for the rest of eternity is Han Solo’s DL-44 Blaster. I spent more hours of my life pretending to be Han Solo than anything else. Granted, it’s a bit weird now that I’m 40, but I will be so much more validated armed with the gun that shot Greedo PREEMPTIVELY (that means first, Lucas) under the table like a good smuggler’s gun would.

Make it so! Number one!

Die-Anne Takillya

What gal wouldn’t just looove for Santa to have left this under her tree?  The McFarlane Movie Maniacs Leatherface, complete with bony stand! Any fan of the greatest move ever made (in my humble opinion) would cherish this like it was their child.

How could Christmas be complete without a seance? That’s why the next thing I would ask ol’ St. Nick for is a Witchboard! Now we can find all our lost wedding rings, hidden eggs from last Easter, and maybe Jimmy Hoffa! Just watch out, if you meet Captain Howdy, run for the hills!

The final item, well, items on my list are the Bandai Godzilla figures. From the classic Godzilla to MechaGodzilla to Mothra and Ghidora… I would have a blast with these. Just think about the awesome fights you could have around the tree!

About the Highway

Lost Highway is your satirical detour down the twisted back roads of b-movies and cult films reviews. learn more >>