The Lost Highway's B-movie Reviews and Cult Films
Dec

posted by Barry Goodall | December 18, 2013 | 80's b-movies, 80's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Review by Barry Goodall

Comments Off on Return of the Living Dead 2

Ya know what sticks in my craw? That I can’t tell the difference between most of the Baldwin brothers. It’s like a family of doppelgangers. Sure we all know Alec was one of the dead guys on Beetlejuice who talked about his Schweaty balls a lot, but the heck if I can keep the rest of the family straight. I think There’s Stephen, William and…uh… Tito, Jose? They all just sorta blend together especially if you move your head really fast. It’s just a big blur of hair gel and sly grinning. Oh, I’m sure some of them made a good movie here or there, but you could drop any one of them in and switch them out like wiper blades. Nobody would even notice the difference. Heck, I’m not entirely sure that Alec isn’t just punking us into thinking he even has brothers. Maybe he just pretends to be one of them when he wants to play WORDS W FRIENDS on an airplane. Like the Baldwins, I feel much the same way about Return of the Living Dead films. The first one pretty much set the bar for the zomb-coms everywhere. I mean who can forget Linnea shakin’ her money makers on a tombstone, but the rest of the sequels are pretty much the same film over and over. In fact Return of the Living Dead part 2, even has the some of the same actors, James Karen and Thom Matthews. They still play two dimwits who whine about getting turned into brain eating zombies. Excuse me, that already happened in the first film! It’s like the casting director never got the memo that the entire cast getting wiped out in a nuclear blast.

Anyhow, this time around an army truck full of canned zombies accidentally bounces one out the back into 12 year old Jesse’s backyard. He and some neighborhood bullies pop one open causing some green gas to seep into the nearby cemetery. And like everyone knows, when you got green gas around tombstones you get zombies (though it does keep the weeds down.) The Undead break out of mausoleums and start clawing their way up throughout the dirt for a big zombie rave. Seems the only people it town that know about it are Jessee, his areobicizing sister and their cable installer but they all keep the hard thinking to a minimum. Meanwhile all the zombie folk have started brain munching up and down main street and eating runaway pets. A couple of grave robbers Joey and Eddy run into the gang who steal their van and decided the best course of action is to scream a lot and argue. They head to the hospital with their neighborhood doctor just as Joey and Ed begin to show signs of the zombie-flu. Joe eventually goes full on zombie and chases down his girlfriend to an empty church so he can eat her “spicy brains” because he “loves her.” it’s a very tender moment and a weird way to get engaged.

The remaining survivors try to lure the zombies with a hansel and gretel trail of brains bits back to the power station. Their plan is to hose them down and barbecue the dead folk like pulled pork sandwiches with the electric grid. It’s rare to see so many dead people harlem shake. ROTLD2 has Plenty of great f/x zombie action that make up for the cheesy slapstick including a girl punching a zombie through the face and a zombie getting cut in half and still managing a decent moonwalk. Highway honors go to Marsha Dietlein for uttering the great line “they’re ugly and they’re dirty and they’re dumb and I don’t even care if they are dead, they’re not touching me.” now that’s a girl with high standards. I’ll give this a 2 1/2 out of 5 brain pans anyways with an extra half brain pan for the Michael Jackson cameo. Barry Goodall says, dig yourself up a copy or just check out part 3,4,5…doesn’t really matter just don’t open up any more dang army containers.

roadside attractions

  • Areobicizing zombies
  • Stab through the chest
  • Face smashing
  • Severed heads
  • Screwdriver through the head
  • Mom chomping
  • Pet snacks
  • Severed hand jive
  • Shot gun to the groin
  • Half a zombie dance
  • Death by electrocution
  • Chin removal
  • Brain trails
  • Eye popping
  • Multiple screw driver impalements
totals

5

blood

BLOOD

lots of yellow puss and green goo but not much of the red stuff. Must be the embalming fluid

0

blood

BREASTS

None. This could be the first family friendly zombie film ever.

9

beast

BEASTS

100’s of zombies and a Michael Jackson impersonator.

7.2 OVERALL
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Watch the trailer to “Return of the Living Dead 2”

trailers

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Dec

Comments Off on Silent Night, Deadly Night 3: Better Watch Out

Silent Night Deadly Night 3
1989 – R – Quiet Films Inc.

A franchise has never turned sour so quickly quite like the Silent Night, Deadly Night series. You could argue that it all started with the second film, thanks to Eric Freeman’s overzealous performance as the Santa Claus Killer, Ricky Caldwell. However, there is a certain charm to the film, still having an enamoring Christmas theme and has that holiday feel to it that makes you all warm inside and want to kill something. And you can call it over the top, you can call it hammy, but no matter how you cut it, Eric Freeman’s performance is abnormally memorable. Too bad nothing like that can be said about its sequel, Silent Night, Deadly Night 3: Better Watch Out.

And that’s where my beef starts with this. Right from the start, before you even watch the movie, just look at that title… it’s way too long! Do you know how tired I am of typing that out already? And does it really need a subtitle? Subtitles are more used now for films that don’t want to number their series, but in retrospect, horror franchises all numbered and gave their sequels subtitles. So what’s the point in complaining? Putting off the inevitable. Let’s reach into our dirty stocking and pull out the lump of coal that is Silent Night, Deadly Night 3.

sndn_2Taking place six years after the events of its predecessor, Ricky is now in a coma and has a fishbowl with wires hanging out of it on top of his head, covering his exposed brain. This contraption is straight out of an old Universal monster movie, it’s so awesome. The movie opens up in a white room with no windows, which is coincidental since that is most likely where you will end up after seeing this. A young woman awakens from a bed to find Ricky (played by Bill Moseley this time… but hold off on your applause), who jolts out of bed holding a scalpel. She bolts and finds herself in a hallway, occupied only by Santa Claus, so she does the only plausible thing to do in that situation: Sit on his lap. After telling him what she wants for Christmas, he raises a butcher knife…

Yup, that’s your type of scares for this movie. Emotionless looking people holding up sharp objects. Someone may as well jump out from a corner and shout “BOO” at me.

By now, you’re probably thinking, “What the hell is going on?” This when the young lady named Laura wakes up screaming. So what did that dream have to do with anything and why was Ricky in it? Well, Laura is… and I can’t believe I have to say this, a blind clairvoyant and as we all know, the ability to enter other people’s minds is a super power that all blind people possess. I feel like that is a seriously misguided false stereotype, kinda like how all white people can’t dance. Okay, for the most part that is true, but there have been some fantastic example of white people dancing, like John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever.

I rest my case.

sndn3_3Anyway, we’re gonna pause there for a moment and I’m going to point out that it’s been roughly five minutes and already the movie has lost me. You may be asking your television questions like, “Huh?” or “What the hell does this have to do with Christmas?” To answer the question, the movie takes place on Christmas Eve and Laura’s doctor, Dr. Newburry, is using her to reach Ricky with her powers for (what else?) science. And that’s all you need to know. Or that’s all they bother telling us. They never really say if it’s for evil science or good science, which I feel is something they really needed to categorize here, otherwise how else am I supposed to know if he is the antagonist other than the fact he is a total douche? Laura no longer wants to do the experiments and heads to her granny’s house along with her brother Chris (played by Twin Peaks‘ Eric Da Rae) and his girlfriend, who is foreign and that’s all you need to know. Laura instantly hates her and the three set out for the most awkward car ride of all time. Wee!

Meanwhile, guess who wakes up from their coma and kills a drunk, heckling Santa impersonator? That’s right, but for some reason Ricky doesn’t take the festive outfit and hitchhikes in his hospital gown and exposed brain, where as the Santa suit would have disguised his freaky nature! He kills a few more hospital workers, casually strolls out the front door and hitchhikes like someone who looks like Dr. Frankenstein’s experiment is a normal thing. A trucker picks him up anyway (well now I feel foolish) to chalk up a few kills at a gas station and some new duds, then off to Granny’s. But how did he know to go there? Turns out, the psychic link thingy that Laura shares with him is two ways, much like all relationships. You take crap and you give crap, am I right?

Granny also seems to have psychic powers, but only to show that it’s hereditary (maybe?). Granny gets a whole use out of this power, playing a pivotal scene, announcing to herself, out loud that the phone will ring… and yet she can’t tell that Ricky, the zombie looking guy who’s acting creepy will show up unexpectedly and is going to kill her! Shortly thereafter, our unlikable trio arrives and Laura gets the sixth sense that something is wrong. Her brother shakes it off his denim jacket, throws his blonde wavy locks to the side and goes off to make sweet love in the bathtub while clogging the drain with his hairy chest. Seriously, dude is like a werewolf. The cops (okay, a cop) and Dr. Newburry head off to find Ricky at Granny’s, but will they be too late before Ricky kills the disposable brother and his strange accented girlfriend? Yes. Yes they will be.

It’s an incredibly silly movie with an incredibly silly ending.

sndn3_4You know what this movie is? It’s that movie playing on TV that other characters in other movies are watching. You spot it in the background and think to yourself, “Wow, that looks incredibly generic. I wish I were watching that!” But really you don’t wish that. Nothing about this movie sticks out as a good movie, then again nothing really sticks out about it being a really terrible movie. Sure, it’s a bad movie, but it’s just kinda there. It comes off as boring and the actor’s performances really convey this, as the majority of them seem to be sleepwalking through the film (quite literally with Ricky). Nobody seems to be enjoying the fact that they are making a movie, but instead walking into frame, recite a line and halfheartedly react to it. Not only that, but the plot seems rather generic (along with its supposed scares). In fact, the script feels rushed and thrown together at the last minute and wouldn’t you know it, it was! Apparently, the shooting script was scrapped very shortly before filming began and they wrote and shot a different one, so what we get is a movie thrown together with the most run of the mill and safe ideas, where if you were to describe this movie to anyone, it would sound like every horror movie ever made.

Silent Night Deadly Night 3
You would think after watching Silent Night, Deadly Night 3, there would be no way a series could stray further from the source, but you would be wrong. It only gets further and weirder from here.

Check out this review and plenty others at Goon Reviews.

roadside attractions

  • Brain in a bowl.
  • Psychics can’t see.
  • A Leo Johnson Christmas.
  • Hitchhiking half-head.
  • Mind game Granny!
  • Dr. Douche
  • Fire poker impalement.
totals

5

blood

BLOOD

It’s kinda splashed around here and there, but the exposed brain is kinda cool.

2

blood

BREASTS

Eric Da Rae’s hairy chest, soaked in bath suds for the ladies.

4

beast

BEASTS

You have Bill Moseley sleepwalking through the film and that Doctor being a turd. I seriously hate that guy.

3.6 OVERALL
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Watch the trailer of “Silent Night, Deadly Night 3!”

trailers

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Dec

posted by Barry Goodall | December 12, 2013 | Feature, Uncategorized

Comments Off on the Mutants B-Movie Gift Wishlist

Tis the Season for B-movie goodness and the Lost Highway mutants are hoping Santa brings them something soaked in b-movie cheese sauce. You should buy one of each of these  gift ideas for every member of your family this holiday season. If you don’t, then it’s obvious that you don’t love them.

The Goon’s Gift List

I no longer would have to wonder who I could call with my very own unlicensed nuclear accelerator. Busting ghosts around the crib would no longer be a hassle. I could also start a side business, kinda like when kids mow your lawn for twenty bucks, but they do a really bad job of it.

How else would you listen to one of the greatest soundtracks to a horror film in the past decade? One of the coolest companies, putting out one of the coolest soundtracks on vinyl, Mondo even got artist extraordinaire Jeff Proctor to illustrate the sleeve.

You will know I am the law when you see me strolling in my neighborhood wearing this badboy, day and night. Of course, it looks like it doesn’t vent well and would probly get really stinky. Then again, it would probly gain me a whole lot of respect. Judges don’t get much street cred.

Tiger Sixon’s Gift List


If’n you’re gonna go out and bust some heads, why not do it in style with a Warrior’s Vest? Start your own gang, which could come in handy while shopping for gifts.

Winter calls for a good quality hat, and there ain’t no better hat than the one Kurt Russell wore in The Thing. Sure, it might not make you a better chess player or helicopter pilot, but dang-it, you’ll sure look good.

Everyone needs a buddy for watchin’ bad movies, and who could be better than Mr. Crow T. Robot? Now, I’ll have someone besides the rats to keep me company.

Barry Goodall’s Gift List

The perfect gift for that favorite 99% in your life. Blend in with the rest of our alien overlords with this amazingly detailed mask from Trick or Treat Studios. No need to get into a 10 minute street fight to force your buddy wear a pair of sunglasses to see it.

Despite playing a unhealthy level of video games when left alone at the carnie trailer I never actually got to play this little gem of 80’s horror-gaming. From what I hear the graphics are ground breaking, Jason has never looked more horrifying and there’s a special god mode that allows you play as a virgin.

I know it’s hard to believe but I didn’t use to be as popular with the ladies as I am today. That was until I bought one of these amazing Twilight movie hairdryers. I immediately was more attractive to pretty girls with little or no personalities.  and despite my own blandness, my skin began to sparkle in the sunlight. Thought I might enjoy a good pint of  blood now I find myself getting into a lot more werewolf fights than I use to.

The Doktor

All I want for Xmas, Hanukkah, Eid, my birthday, Easter, and/or any other gift-giving holiday for the rest of eternity is Han Solo’s DL-44 Blaster. I spent more hours of my life pretending to be Han Solo than anything else. Granted, it’s a bit weird now that I’m 40, but I will be so much more validated armed with the gun that shot Greedo PREEMPTIVELY (that means first, Lucas) under the table like a good smuggler’s gun would.

Make it so! Number one!

Die-Anne Takillya

What gal wouldn’t just looove for Santa to have left this under her tree?  The McFarlane Movie Maniacs Leatherface, complete with bony stand! Any fan of the greatest move ever made (in my humble opinion) would cherish this like it was their child.

How could Christmas be complete without a seance? That’s why the next thing I would ask ol’ St. Nick for is a Witchboard! Now we can find all our lost wedding rings, hidden eggs from last Easter, and maybe Jimmy Hoffa! Just watch out, if you meet Captain Howdy, run for the hills!

The final item, well, items on my list are the Bandai Godzilla figures. From the classic Godzilla to MechaGodzilla to Mothra and Ghidora… I would have a blast with these. Just think about the awesome fights you could have around the tree!

Dec

posted by admin | December 10, 2013 | 90's movies, Action, B-movie Reviews, Review by Tiger Sixon, Sci-Fi

Comments Off on Judge Dredd

Judge Dredd

In the future, one man is The Law.” That’s the slogan for the Sylvester Stallone crazy train, Judge Dredd. Based on a popular comic book of the same name, Judge Dredd takes places in a future where everything is as nice as a rusty bear trap. The book-learnin’ term is dystopia, but crap-hole works just fine.

Stallone is pretty much RoboCop, if RoboCop was all human, and wore an even crazier metal codpiece (they even wear similar head gear). Stallone acts as judge, jury, and even executioner in Mega-City One—which looks an awful lot like the Mushroom Kingdom in the Super Mario Bros. movie. Stallone doesn’t just fire bullets, nope, he’s got more catch phrases than a Steve Urkel clip show. “I knew you’d say that,” is one, and as would be expected, “I’ll be the judge of that,” and “Court’s adjourned” are others.

But, you gotta enjoy, on some level, any film what opens with a James Earl Jones voice-over. Yep, the voice of Darth Vader/Simba’s Dad reads the opening narration, setting the tone for this here film. Everything sounds cool when James Earl Jones reads it—heck, I’d pay good money to hear him read Twilight cover to cover.

Since Judge Dredd takes place in the future, you see robots, flying motorcycles, and plenty of spandex. A winning combination, or at least my idea of a hot Saturday night. There’s also Rob Schneider, who plays a hacker. Hey, it was the mid-1990s, every movie needed at least one hacker.

Despite the WTF-ness of Judge Dredd, and its wafer-thin connection to the original comic, if features some fun special effects and make-up effects. The animatronic robot is dang cool, and the make-up for a cyborg-cannibal-mutant is out standing. Sure, Judge Dredd ain’t no Demolition Man (and what is, really?) or even Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot, but it has its moments—and most of those moments involve giant robots and spandex.

Tiger says, if you are up for some crazy 1990s sci-fi action, give Judge Dredd a watch.


Tiger Sixon is forced to watch B-movies from the comfort of a secret government base in Death Valley. He looks nothing at all like Daniel J. Hogan (@danieljhogan) who draws the comic Clattertron.

roadside attractions

  • Giant Robots
  • Spandex
  • Flying Motorcycles
  • Stallone Impressions
  • Exploding Buildings
  • Big Guns
  • Mutants
  • Cannibals
  • Recycled Food
  • Metal Codpieces
  • Max von Sydow
totals

5

blood

BLOOD

Lots of gun shootin’, but it ain’t too gory.

0

blood

BREASTS

Everyone is covered up in this here flick. But there’s a James Earl Jones voice over, so it ain’t all bad.

10

beast

BEASTS

Giant robots, killer mutant cyborg cannibals, and other crazy things.

5 OVERALL
dripper
Dec

posted by Doktor | December 6, 2013 | 80's b-movies, 80's movies, Action, B-movie Reviews, Review by Doktor

Comments Off on Exterminator 2

Tagline: The Exterminator – a one-man army obsessed with a single thought – Revenge!

Year: 1984 Runtime: 89 min

Director: Mark Buntzman

Writer: Mark Buntzman, William Sachs,

Starring: Robert Ginty, Mario Van Peebles, Deborah Geffner

Sigh.

I’m blue. Why? ‘Cos I’m a horrible person. I haven’t always been a horrible person. There used to be a time where I could sympathize and/or empathize with the plight of others. Now though…

I mean, vigilante movies are supposed to move you, right? You’re supposed to care about the characters. You’re supposed to be indignant with them, to the point of cheering them on in their killing spree. Aren’t you?

All I felt while watching Exterminator 2 was my gynecomastia for abnormal lumps. My moobs were tender and I was all emotional and, well, let’s say I was a mess and leave it at that. Weird how I was all emotional but couldn’t care less about the characters in the movie.

Take the protagonist, John Eastland, the Exterminator, a down-on-his-luck veteran turned vigilante. He’s driven to clean up the streets because his girlfriend, Caroline, is crippled by some street thugs who are seeking revenge on Exterminator. Caroline is a dancer with stars in her eyes. She was going to dance on Broadway. Not anymore! They took her dancing from her, and dancing was all she had (even if it was pole dancing in jazzercise tights at a local bar). And then there’s Be Gee, Exterminator’s friend from the war. He’s the kind-hearted trash man who’ll split his only sandwich with a local stray. Naturally he helps out his old war buddy and he gets killed during an ill-planned raid on a drug deal for his trouble.

Ok. So…

I can hear Buntzman say, “But Exterminator uses flamethrower. That’s cool, right?” Yeah, but that doesn’t mean it makes him a compelling character.

What about the villains? If they’re sufficiently bad enough it will make up for weak heroes, right?

The antagonist, Mario Van X, and his gang to Mad Max rejects, i.e. 80’s NYC street thugs, are about as intimidating as sparkly vampires. Actually, there’s a scene where Van X is looking all sexy, sweaty and shirtless, with a big X painted on his chest to look tough, but he’s been hosed with glitter. It’s like a unicorn exploded on him. Despite all his rage he’s still sparkly. He does have some kind of ESP which leads him to Exterminator’s hideout for the Final Boss Fight. While that’s pretty cool, overall Van X is meh.

Even when his gang’s being evil it’s unbelievable. When they get their drug shipment Van X sends Roller Skate Brother for a guinae pig. Since when is it necessary to kidnap someone to test your smack on? Remember, this is 1984 NYC. Forget the year, this is New York City! Junkies abound. Uhg.

Oh, and about Roller Skate Brother, nothing says thug life like jheri curl and roller skates.

And then there’s the culmination of the stuff that’s happened in the Final Boss Fight. Van X’s thugs go down quicker than sorority pledges during rush week, so there’s no point in bothering with saying more. The fight between Exterminator and Van X is basically a game of chase. There is a confusing bit where Van X pauses. There’s no good reason for him to give pause. He reloaded a fresh mag in his uzi and chased The Exterminator to within 20 – 25 feet. Exterminator is wounded, a leg shot, and can’t move very fast. Yet, Van X doesn’t shoot. He has a clear shot. Exterminator is right in front of him. Nada. Really?

Van X deserves to get blowed up!

To round out the logic of the film the final scene as credits roll is of Exterminator walking away. The warehouse is full of dead people, fire, guns, drugs, etc., and Exterminator is dropping incriminating evidence, piece by piece, as he stumbles off.

Then I remember something crucial: Exterminator 2 is another Golan-Globus production, the people responsible for cinematic turd Superman IV: The Quest for Peace. Ah! Now it all makes sense. I’m not the terrible person, Golan-Globus are. Phew!

roadside attractions

  • Hear passionate Lurv song lyrics like “Come take my love. I’ll show you how!”
  • Witness the easiest armored car heist EVAR. A couple shots, a jump cut, and the truck’s stopped, driver’s dead and the thugs are about to pull the guy out of the back!
  • Suffer the indignity of the sex scene that’s about as erotic as a monthly breast self-examination!
  • Feel the Passion of Mario Van X as he “remembers” the bad times and it drives him to one-armed push ups!
  • Struggle to understand how the Exterminator can bust in through a door and then back out of the same door when crashing the big drug deal!
totals

5

blood

BLOOD

Mostly crispy critters since a flamethrower is the Exterminator’s tool of choice, but there’s some bullet hits with some nice splatter.

2

blood

BREASTS

A couple flashes during the lame love scene.

5

beast

BEASTS

Mario Van X and his gang of 80’s thugs kinda qualify as beasts, right?

4 OVERALL
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Watch the trailer for “Exterminator 2”

trailers

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About the Highway

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