The Lost Highway's B-movie Reviews and Cult Films
Dec

posted by Doktor | December 25, 2016 | 80's b-movies, Feature, Holiday films, Horror movies, Review by Doktor

Comments Off on The Twelve Slays of Xmas: The First Slay

Season’s Grievings from your friends here at The Lost Highway. 2016 has been a difficult year. We lost Professor Snape, Admiral Ackbar, and even Alf. We watched as the United States of Earth was divided down the middle in a vicious election which still threatens to end in a nasty divorce. There were devastating natural disasters and Russians hacking. It’s been a real bummer.

And now to compound things it’s the holiday season, the worst wonderful time of the year. “While everybody else is opening up their presents, (others are) opening up their wrists” because “the suicide rate is always the highest around the holidays.” (Kate Beringer, Gremlins). In light of this year’s events, and the weight of the holiday season, what’s a mutant to do?

This Xmas we decided to put together a little gift to answer that question, a list of advice gleaned from the reel world of b-movies. We watched twelve Xmas themed movies and learned twelve valuable lessons to help navigate life.

The Lost Highway proudly presents: The Twelve Slays of Xmas.

The First Slay of Xmas: Silent Night, Deadly Night

Billy became a serial killer because of Santa Claus. That’s right, good old Saint Nick drove Billy bug nut crazy. Well, sort of. Really it was Billy’s family. Had the family not taken a trip to the nut house to visit Grandpa life would have played out differently.

It is believed that holidays are about spending quality time with family. This is a recipe for tragedy. Don’t do it. Family is horrible. Why subject yourself to that nightmare? Stay at home, safe and sound in your pjs, snacking on peppermint sticks and watching the late, late, late movie!

Be sure to come back tomorrow for The Second Slay of Xmas: Silent Night, Deadly Night 2.

Watch the trailer for “Silent Night, Deadly Night”

trailers

dripper
Dec

posted by admin | December 3, 2016 | Feature

Comments Off on Instruments of Evil

instruments

“Created in the ancient mists of time by the Viking god Loki, four musical demons have left carnage and horror in their wake as they’ve traveled through the centuries, using the vibrations of music as a conduit across time and space. Now, as the harmonic horrors attempt to reunite and bring about the end of the world, can a cop, a hooker, and a warrior from the past defeat these evil spirits before the music stops … forever? A combination of paean and parody, the music-filled EYECATCHER Video production, “Instruments of Evil”, pays homage to the low-budget exploitation (or “grindhouse”) films of the ’60s, ’70s, and ’80s, while also poking fun at their notorious excesses and absurdities. Fans of low-budget, B-movie madness will find enjoyment here, but be warned: not only tunes get stuck in your head!”

BUY THE MOVIE HERE!

IoE_Screenshot_With_VECTOR_Text

Watch the trailer to “Instruments of Evil”

 

trailers

dripper
Dec

posted by admin | December 2, 2016 | Feature

Comments Off on 5 Reasons Why We Love Horror Movies

horror

It’s a Rush!

The best place to watch a horror movie is on the big screen. The action is larger than life and the story is far more terrifying when the audience collectively screams in response to the killer’s evil deeds. In part, this is why we love to watch horror movies. The adrenaline rush that comes from watching scary movies is enormous. The tension builds, one by one minor characters are murdered in horrible ways, and we wait on the edge of our seats as the plucky female lead (usually, but not always), squares up to a final confrontation with the deranged killer/evil monster.

The Shock Factor

We love to be shocked and horror movies feed our morbid curiosity for the macabre. Think about how many people stop to stare at the scene of a road traffic accident and you will start to understand the appeal of a horror movie. We can’t help but watch, even though we find it disturbing.

Thrill Seekers

Watching a horror movie is like taking a ride on a frightening rollercoaster, only better: the journey is horrible and the ending a real high, but unless you binge on cola and popcorn, you won’t throw up on the way. This is why many people love to go and see horror movies. They are the thrill seeker type, the ones who love to ride on the world’s tallest rollercoaster, or who are first in the queue to try a bungee jump.

Exploring our Subconscious Fears

Horror movies play on our subconscious fears. Freud would have had a field day analyzing schlock horror slasher movies where promiscuous female characters are brutally slain and the virginal lead always lives to fight another day. Indeed, Freud firmly believed that horror films were a visual manifestation of the collective unconscious. Personally speaking, I don’t dream about chainsaw killers, but I’m sure some people probably do.

The Entertainment Factor

Ultimately, we love going to see a horror movie because it’s entertaining. Most people wouldn’t pay money to watch a film of people being tortured and murdered in real life, but they will happily queue up to see Hostel or a similar film in this genre. We like movies because the good guy wins and the bad guy invariably gets his just desserts in the end. We also like it because we can go home, safe in the knowledge that what we have just seen on the screen is fictional.

People are drawn to horror films for many reasons; it’s rarely black and white. Tell us why you love watching horror movies below.

Nov

Comments Off on The Shallows

petting-zooWelcome back to another review, folks! Don’t you love when a movie has an A class budget, A class team, A class writing, and even A class expectations, but plummets to B status like the suspension of disbelief for certain actors’ toupees? I do! Bad news for them, good news for the B community. So let’s dive in to a newer movie filled with surf, sun, sand, and sharks! “The Shallows” beckons us!

We open with generic blonde actress number 3,349 taking the third-world version of Uber to a beach, whose name stays hidden the entire film. The name is of absolutely ZERO consequence, but I just wanna know! Good mighty mutton, is that annoying, namely because they run the gag several times during the movie. After conversing in very bad Spanish and very, very cliched dialogue possibly setting up her driver as a possible antagonist, we finally see the unnamed beach. Normally I would complain about suspicious truck guy as the bad guy later on, but we all know it’s a shark! It’s like trying to shift the focus of Halloween, setting up the doctor while Michael Myers plays in the background until the last third of the movie. It doesn’t work well there, it doesn’t work well here.

hamBlondie meets two new guys, who also happen to be surfing on this very secret, unnamed beach. Again, trivial as sugar on sand, but it sticks in my sandwich. They surf together, they laugh together, they……pack up and leave. Wait! They’re driving by her stuff! Could they also stoop to the stereotype we think they’re going to and…No. No, they’re not. Well, thank Thor for that. As they take off, following the most common sense rules of surfing, she stays behind and vehemently breaks said rules. I’m not even a surfer, but I know the rules! You don’t sleep on Elm Street, you never go in the woods, you don’t stay in Amityville, you never go in the woods, you don’t surf at dusk, and you never go in the woods. Oh, look, something floating in the distance, past the breakers, and the conspicuously placed buoy. Seriously suspicious buoy. It belongs in the line up from The Usual Suspects. So, Blondie decides to keep going, investigating the floating mass out in the ocean, ignoring all the alarm bells going off in her head, all the red flags, and me screaming at the screen.

Also, we have a little bit of back story, just to fill in the time until the inevitable happens. She was a prominent med school student, has a younger sister, a dead mom, and a father who’s played so many bad guys in movies it’s jarring to see him as a loving dad. I mean that! Back to that floating mass! The water turns gross, seagulls cry out, and that thing is a whale carcass. Now, for those who don’t spend an uncanny amount of time researching sharks, due to an almost crippling fear of sharks, they absolutely love dead whale leftovers. After she finally comes to her senses and tries to ride a wave back to the shore, the sun is already bidding farewell to the- HOLY MOTHER OF MURGATROID! A shark just decided Blondie needed to take up parasailing. Bruce Junior decides to take a taste of our surfer, turning the sea red, and also finally moving the plot forward. Now surfer girl has to use aforementioned floating mass as a refuge from the hungry shark.cramp

Now, some things in movies are hard to believe, thus requiring us to surrender a certain amount of ‘That ain’t real’ to the film. Lately it’s been CGI clogging up the pipeline of creativity, but there are others that are just as guilty. This movie does an incredible job of making the entire thing feel real, from the sea, to the whale, to even the shark, who will be known as Wayne, henceforth. If you get the joke, you’re a nerd. Good for you. Blondie and Wayne play hide the surfer atop the corpse of Free Willy, finally ending in her having to jump and swim for it, stranding her on some nearby coral with a companion that was also injured by Wayne: a seagull, which she lovingly names Steven Seagull. Yes, I chuckled. Here is where the rest of the movie plays out, for the most part. We learn more about her backstory, and spend some time with Steven, and a GoPro, while setting up more desperate situations, building the tension. Hey, look! Our surfer buddies are back!

You know what that means! Trailer fodder! She warns there’s a shark, and, they, of course, don’t believe her. They have a very sudden look of concern, start swimming out to her, and suddenly find out that sharks really do breach like on TV. Surfer guy number two books it, but falls victim to the same fate: Fish food. After they’re dead, night falls and another guy happens to find this very hidden, unnamed beach. Yes, I’m still fuming. Only, he finds it while black out drunk. She calls to him, trying to get help. He wakes up, drops his tequila, and then plays that stereotype we were talking about earlier, but then promptly gets munched by Wayne. Here is where we move into the final play of the movie, and my wrap up.

buoy

Folks, this movie was great! I thought it was a great addition to the classic shark movies. It had its faults, like breaking rules someone who doesn’t spend five minutes on a beach annually, common sense being left in a non-waterproof bag, and the most CGI dolphins I’ve ever seen outside of a SyFy production. It grinds a while, making us wait for the action, rather than building a sense of dread. However, once it gets going, it is full steam ahead, only pausing a few times. There are most definitely moments where you will either guffaw, or have to just throw up your hands, but in the end, I’d happily recommend “The Shallows” for viewing. Thanks for reading, and Stay Tuned!

 

roadside attractions

  • He looks creepy.
  • No named beach is perfectly safe.
  • Seriously creepy guy.
  • Oh, other surfer guys!
  • Why are they creepy, too!?!?
  • Don’t do that.
  • WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!?
  • Surprising shark is surprising.
  • Sharks do not come with brakes.
totals

6

blood  

BLOOD

Medically accurate blood, really cool effects.

4

blood  

BREASTS

They’re bikini’d the whole time, but it doesn’t matter.

 

10

beast  

BEASTS

Best shark in a long time.

7.50 OVERALL
dripper
Oct

posted by admin | October 20, 2016 | Feature

Comments Off on Top James Bond Gadgets

We have a sneaking suspicion that there might be a new James Bond for the secret agent’s next outing instead of the Daniel Craig. A few names have been in running like Luke Evans, Joshua Bowman, even Christian Bale. Personally we’d like to see Cillian Murphy give it go. Craig has done and excellent job but it might be time to turn in his agent gun and deck of playing cards. I have a feeling he’ll still be showing up at Casino Royale where the odds are great and the live results add to the excitement. In the meantime we can just enjoy his previous adventures and his many amazing gadgets. Here’s our few favorite top 5 James Bond gadgets.

1. The Explosive Pen in Golden Eye.
The pen is mightier than the sword in this instance. So much so it can incinerate you rather than just leaving a nasty gash. Great gift for your favorite evil dictator’s birthday bash.

2. Lotus submarine car in The Spy Who Loved me.
Who doesn’t want a car that can go on land and water and still look cool pulling up the casino.

3. Killer bagpipe machine gun in The World is not Enough.
Sure the music is a killer but so is this vicious little piece of Scottish vengeance. Sean Connery would be proud.

4. The Bowler hat in Goldfinger.
Oddjob’s suit and bowler hat is very fashionable; but also deadly. It’s hiding a a razor blade that easily chops of anyone’s head that doesn’t agree with him.

5. The Spike Umbrella in For Your Eyes Only.
Sure it was only in demo mode in Q’s library but this little  umbrella had more hiding behind it than just protecting you from the rain. It would collapse on it’s victim with sharp spikes like a flytrap. Plus keeps your victim dry from any approaching rain storms.

 

About the Highway

Lost Highway is your satirical detour down the twisted back roads of b-movies and cult films reviews. learn more >>