The Highway Mutants after drinking a lot of expired egg nog came up with this list of b-movies to watch this holiday season. Here’s their 12 B’s of Christmas.
from Donna Bleed.
On the 1st day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a cop in a wife beater shirt
“Explosions, gunfights, Bruce Willis screaming like a wookie, foul language that upsets grandma, and of course, Christmas in Hollis being blasted in a limousine. What more could you ask for?”
On the 2nd day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 2 creeper phone calls.
“I know, cliche, but this is one of the best psycho-in-the-house movies ever made. Drink more wine, Margot, it’ll be alright!”
On the 3rd day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 3 annoying rich kids.
“Shut up. It’s funny, alright? DON’T JUDGE ME!”
On the 4th day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 4 groping Santas.
“It’s no Silent Night, Deadly Night; but it’s all about who’s naughty and nice, and knowing that it really doesn’t matter, everybody’s gonna get snuffed!”
from Andrew Peters
On the 5th day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 5 catholic school nuns.
Silent Night, Deadly Night
“I remember renting these movies in the big box as a kid, so these always strike me as my holiday movies as opposed to Charlie Brown’s Christmas Special or A Christmas Story. SNDN is about a boy whose parents are murdered and he’s raised in an orphanage, abused and confused. He grows up and plays Santa at a local toy store he works for. This sets him off on a killing rampage with eerie music and great gore effects (although most of these are only seen in the uncut version).”
On the 6th day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 6 wrestling has-beens.
Santa With Muscles
“This is one of those movies where my parents took me to the video store around the holidays and told me to pick out a movie. Like the foolish child I was, I immediately spied one with Hulk Hogan wearing a Santa hat and thought, “Oh wow! This one has Hulk Hogan! This is sure to be a treat!” But I would find out that this treat is made from dog crap and pig vomit. This movie is the equivalent of my older brother tricking me into something I didn’t want to do. Lousy acting and a plot that involves Hogan playing an obnoxious fitness guru who gets amnesia and thinks he’s Santa. It’s sappy and horrible, but it’s worth a laugh.”
On the 7th day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 7 killer snowmen.
“A murder becomes a vengeful snowman. Frosty goes Jeffery Dahmers.”
On the 8th day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 8 impromptu c-sections.
“The French are crazy. First High Tension and now this. A woman waiting to give birth on Christmas Eve is trapped in her home, when a stranger arrives and wants to carve the baby out of her stomach. Now, there is a reason behind all of this and it’s quite a gory experience. As with and dubbed movie, the dubbing is atrocious, but everything else is entertaining and frightening. Easily one of my favourite holiday movies.”
from Tiger Sixon
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 9 fury Magwais
“A great cautionary tale ‘bout exercising good judgment when pickin’ out a gift for yer little one.”
On the 10th day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 6 80’s flashbacks.
“A very ‘80s retelling of the oft-remade A Christmas Carol, featuring the scroogiest Scrooge of them all, Bill Murray.”
On the 11th day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 11 Vern shout outs
Ernest Saves Christmas (1988)
” The lovable and goofy Ernest does his best to save the holiday. Ernest even sings”
On the 12th day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 12 shots for rabies
Even the Batman celebrates Christmas. Instead of leaving lumps of coal, he just leaves lumps on someone’s head.