Jan

posted by Barry Goodall | January 7, 2012 | 70's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Grindhouse, Review by Barry Goodall

Long Weekend

An Australian couple parks their old car at a campsite and go tromping through the wilderness while getting the smack down from mother nature in 1978’s “Long weekend.” Marcia (Briony Behets) is the whiny self absorbed wife, while John Hargreaves plays Peter, a surfer dude whose more worried about his dog than their relationship. They’ve been bickerin’ ever since Marcie had an affair which ended with an abortion and Peter hopes a trip to a secluded beach might help smooth things over. Long WeekendNobody in town had ever heard of their secret vacation spot so they end up running over a kangaroo and listening to their mandatory Men at Work cassettes instead. After sleeping the night in the jeep they discover that the beach was right next to them to whole time. Apparently, nobody noticed that big blue ocean thing that whole time.

Most of their camping days are spent choppin’ down trees, spraying insecticide and leaving garbage everywhere. Marcie smashes some eagle eggs, shoots a sea cow and Peter gets in a quick round of target practices with a flock of seagulls. Not a couple you’ll likely see at a PETA rally. Fortunately Mother nature fights back and Peter gets dive bombed by a bald eagle (…Heck YEAH AMERICA!!!) and then gets sucker punched by a fruit hoarding possum.

At night they hear ghostly cries of the dead sea cow and Marcia starts going completely bonkers taking off with the jeep leaving Peter alone with just a harpoon and his overwhelming body funk to defend himself. The sea cow carcass shows up again for the solo-beach party but even closer to camp than before and Peter has to torch it like a deep fried turkey. Meanwhile, Marcia who senses danger about as well as a bowl of oatmeal, gets stuck in a heap of spider webs only to be harpooned by Peter who mistakes her for a land roving sea cow. Consider the divorce final.

Long WeekendPeter in his grief wanders back through the woods, gets attacked by some woodchucks and ends up getting side swiped by a semi-truck on the highway. Thus putting an end to the worse ever honeymoon and the longest anti- littering campaign in film history. I’d hoped they’d get gnawed to death by a rare red-back sloth, or maybe smothered by rabid Koalas instead. There’s just so many other painful ways to die in Australia (#25 on the rejected Australia tourism slogan list.)

Barry Goodall says talk a walkabout and check out “Long Weekend.” You’ll be thankful your relationship isn’t as bad as these two drongos and remember to  always keep the harpoon safety on during domestic disputes.

roadside attractions

  • Surfer skeet shooting
  • Bald eagle attack
  • Possum mugging
  • Sea cow stalking
  • Harpoon to the throat
  • Littering
  • kangaroo hit n’ run
totals

6

blood

BLOOD

A few good gushers but most of it’s from a wounded sea cow.

7

blood

BREASTS

Australian topless sunbathing, it’s mandatory.

9

beast

BEASTS

Snakes, sea cows, eagles, spiders, ants, birds, kangaroos, and a possum. It’s like a prison break at the Zoo.

8.00 OVERALL
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Check out the trailer for “Long Weekend”

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Dec

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Night of the Comet

As Pa Sixon used to say, “Does this look infected?” Wait. I mean, “Christmas ain’t about bein’ with people ya like. It’s about bein’ with family.” And bein’ with family is a main theme of the 1984 post-apocalyptic-zombie-horror-romance-comedy, Night of the Comet.

Christmas is around the corner for sunny California and Santa, or perhaps maybe the Krampus, is bringin’ one heck o’ a gift: a comet. We learn it is, more or less, the same comet what knocked out the dinosaurs 65 million years ago. Shoot, ya don’t a comet for that—just feed ‘em some of Ma Sixon’s tuna surprise served at room temperature. While everyone is partying about the comet (because I guess that is what you do in California when home owners and mortgage insurance liabilities don’t matter because the Apocalypse is coming), Regina (Catherine Mary Stewart) is stuck workin’ at the local movie theater—which involves beating a mysterious high score on Tempest and scoring with the projectionist in the booth (to use the film’s vernacular, “making it”). Ah, to be an 18 year old girl in the 80’s again.

Night of the Comet

Back home, Regina’s mouthy little sis, Sam (Kelli Maroney), gets slapped around by her step mom—who is throwin’ a comet party of her own. One problem: once the comet arrives, everyone outside is turned to dust. And those what ain’t turned to dust, are turned into zombies. Regina wakes up after a night o’ lovin’ to find the streets filled with piles of dust, and a dash of occasional zombie. A tender moment ensues when Regina finds Sam, now (thankfully) clad in a cheerleader outfit. In an effort to find survivors, the pair goes to the local radio station (which has more neon lights than a Blade Runner convention in Las Vegas). At the station, they meet future Star Trek Voyager regular, Hector (Robert Beltran). That’s right, Commander Chakotay comes to the rescue.

Uh, sort of. As we learn, the girls’ dad is in the military–he trained the pair how to fight and use guns, so they can handle themselves (although Sam wishes Hector would handle her).

Night of the Comet

Because the film was made in the ‘80s, we are treated to a shopping montage set to a non-Lauper version of Girls Just Want to Have Fun, while Regina and Sam have the run of the mall. This was a requirement for most ‘80s films, along with Steve Gutenberg. Meanwhile, there is a secret underground group, with a maze for a logo, keeping tabs on survivors. They decide to bring a few back to the base, and hilarity ensues. By which I mean, stuff gets blown up.

Deep down, Night of the Comet is about family: two sisters are on their own and realize, despite pissin’ each other off from time to time, they are all they have. The girls also realize they need to stick together with Hector if they want to survive (and Regina hopes her and Hector really stick together), and form a new family o’ sorts.

While fairly tame by today’s standards, there is enough blood and violence to go around, and Night of the Comet leans heavily toward the goofy side of the post-apocalyptic meter. Night of the Comet, like any quality b-movie, is a campy, blood-soaked hoot. Give this one a watch–just don’t forget yer hairspray and leotard.


Tiger Sixon is forced to watch B-movies from the comfort of a secret government base in Death Valley. He looks nothing at all like Daniel J. Hogan (@danieljhogan) who draws the comic Clattertron.

roadside attractions

  • neon lights
  • leotards
  • cheerleading outfit
  • sunglasses at night
  • shopping montage
  • zombies
  • future star trek actors
  • retro video games
  • exploding cars
  • blood stealing
  • keyboard whacking
  • big hair
  • bloody wrenches
  • secret bases
  • MAC-10s
totals

6

blood

BLOOD

Not too bloody, but plenty it when it counts.

5

blood

BREASTS

While we never see Sam totally topless, she gets down to a bra in one scene, and jumps up and down in a nighty in another.

10

beast

BEASTS

Lots of zombie action, including kid zombies.

7.00 OVERALL
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Check out the trailer for “Night of the Comet”

trailers

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Dec

The Highway Mutants after drinking a lot of expired egg nog came up with this list of b-movies to watch this holiday season. Here’s their 12 B’s of Christmas.

from Donna Bleed.
On the 1st day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a cop in a wife beater shirt

Die Hard
“Explosions, gunfights, Bruce Willis screaming like a wookie, foul language that upsets grandma, and of course, Christmas in Hollis being blasted in a limousine. What more could you ask for?”

On the 2nd day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 2 creeper phone calls.

Black Christmas
“I know, cliche, but this is one of the best psycho-in-the-house movies ever made. Drink more wine, Margot, it’ll be alright!”

On the 3rd day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 3 annoying rich kids.

Home Alone
“Shut up. It’s funny, alright? DON’T JUDGE ME!”

On the 4th day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 4 groping Santas.

Christmas Evil
“It’s no Silent Night, Deadly Night; but it’s all about who’s naughty and nice, and knowing that it really doesn’t matter, everybody’s gonna get snuffed!”

from Andrew Peters

On the 5th day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 5 catholic school nuns.

Silent Night, Deadly Night
“I remember renting these movies in the big box as a kid, so these always strike me as my holiday movies as opposed to Charlie Brown’s Christmas Special or A Christmas Story. SNDN is about a boy whose parents are murdered and he’s raised in an orphanage, abused and confused. He grows up and plays Santa at a local toy store he works for. This sets him off on a killing rampage with eerie music and great gore effects (although most of these are only seen in the uncut version).”

On the 6th day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 6 wrestling has-beens.

Santa With Muscles
“This is one of those movies where my parents took me to the video store around the holidays and told me to pick out a movie. Like the foolish child I was, I immediately spied one with Hulk Hogan wearing a Santa hat and thought, “Oh wow! This one has Hulk Hogan! This is sure to be a treat!” But I would find out that this treat is made from dog crap and pig vomit. This movie is the equivalent of my older brother tricking me into something I didn’t want to do. Lousy acting and a plot that involves Hogan playing an obnoxious fitness guru who gets amnesia and thinks he’s Santa. It’s sappy and horrible, but it’s worth a laugh.”

On the 7th day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 7 killer snowmen.

Jack Frost
“A murder becomes a vengeful snowman. Frosty goes Jeffery Dahmers.”

On the 8th day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 8 impromptu c-sections.

Inside
“The French are crazy. First High Tension and now this. A woman waiting to give birth on Christmas Eve is trapped in her home, when a stranger arrives and wants to carve the baby out of her stomach. Now, there is a reason behind all of this and it’s quite a gory experience. As with and dubbed movie, the dubbing is atrocious, but everything else is entertaining and frightening. Easily one of my favourite holiday movies.”

from Tiger Sixon

On the 9th day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 9 fury Magwais


Gremlins
“A great cautionary tale ‘bout exercising good judgment when pickin’ out a gift for yer little one.”

On the 10th day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 6 80’s flashbacks.


Scrooged
“A very ‘80s retelling of the oft-remade A Christmas Carol, featuring the scroogiest Scrooge of them all, Bill Murray.”

On the 11th day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 11 Vern shout outs

Ernest Saves Christmas (1988)
” The lovable and goofy Ernest does his best to save the holiday. Ernest even sings”

On the 12th day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 12 shots for rabies

Batman Returns
Even the Batman celebrates Christmas. Instead of leaving lumps of coal, he just leaves lumps on someone’s head.

Dec

posted by Barry Goodall | December 15, 2011 | B-movies, Feature, Shopping

Christmas time is here and so is the holiday shopping season. What can you get the little mutants in your life who already have everything? Well nothing, they’re lucky to even have a roof over there heads. However if they’re ever stuck in a b-movie, we have a list of must have items for their survival. Check out the list below for practical gifts to help make this the Swaziest Christmas ever.


Satellite enhanced Rescue Device

People always bring their cell phones on a camping trip but rarely in a b-movie do they ever get a signal. We suggest the ACR Satellite 3 406 Cat II EPIRB with satellite uplink so you can be rescued or at least the authorities can easily find your body. Double the technology, double your chances of survival.


Meat Cutting Kit
Need to dismember any cabin friends who have been turned into demonic drooling monsters? This custom meat cutting kit will help get rid of even the tiniest parts for quick easy burial or fridge storage. Garbage bags and a police alibi not included.


Woman Running Shoes
Ladies, it’s time to ditch those high heels on those camping trips. No more tripping and falling while being chased by a masked psycho.These quality running shoes not only look great, but will help you burn calories while avoiding that machete.


Air Cleaner
Sure, you’ve been summoning demons from the underworld all day, but you’ve got dinner guests coming over at 5 and your house smells like the devil’s armpit. We suggest this heavy duty air cleaner to help. It won’t get rid of the evil, but it will just smell like it did.


Anti-Zombie Survival Kit
As seen on the hit TV show “The Walking Dead.” It’s every blade you’ll ever need against a zombie horde. It’s like a smorgasbord of zombie slaying. Just don’t take too long to decide with blade to use or you could end up zombie chow.


No-Flat Tire Kit
Tired of getting a flat tire in front of old creepy mansions and then having to knock on their door for help ending up a lab experiment in their basement? This tire kit that will seal up your tire tighter than a swamp creature’s sphincter muscle. Also good for helping seal walls that are maybe leaking… or bleeding.


Cross Bow
This high-tech cross bow is great against vampire with optional sharpened wooden arrows (not included). Evil beware when the renaissance festival lets out and everyone grabs one of these babies on sale. Now this is a stake well done.


Super Soaker – Filled with Holy Water
Good for purging demons and vampires or just annoying your neighbors dogs. Add garlic spice sauce for extra colorful exploding undead. It’s like a holywater carwash.


Hockey Equipment
In the post apocalyptic world, gas will be in short supply, cities will be decimated…and there won’t be any place to buy a good pair of cargo pants. Luckily there will be plenty of hockey equipment lying around since there’s no more ice rinks. It might not look good but could be a great defense against a outlander psycho whose been drinkin’ washer fluid and wants to use your skull as a flip top trash can.


Hovercraft
Need to get away in a hurry? Why not hop in your personal hovercraft. Flee from that evil haunted swamp, fly over that flooded bridge and get home just in time to watch “Dancing with the Stars.” It even has two seats so pick the friend you like most and say adios to the rest of the zombie bait.


Stud Detector
Help find secret passages in the walls of that creepy mansion you just bought dirt cheap on Craig’s List. Watch out for hidden dead bodies and gateways to hell.


Latin Translation Book
Don’t you hate it when you discover an ancient book bound in human flesh but can’t read it’s ancient Latin writing? Well now you can translate it and raise demons until the cows come home. Also great for reading warnings scrawled in blood on cave walls. Look for the iphone app for demonic resurrection on the go.


Chuck Norris Book
Yeah, we thought it was an oxymoron as well seeing Chuck Norris and the word “book” together, but now you can learn how to dodge bullets, or shoot in the general direction the bad guys and hit them all. There’s an extensive tips on beard grooming and includes a free certificate for being a honorary Texas Ranger. Round-house kick to the face not included.


EMF Sensor
Sure you got a great deal on that quaint little house in Maine next to the old cemetery, but it’s only because there’s been dozens of grizzly deaths there since the civil war. Now detect whether ghosts are hiding out in the kitchen and prove to your neighbors that you aren’t insane…you’re just really creepy.


Grow a Frog Kit
Is your city being overrun by giant mutant flies? Create your own giant frog…also easily adaptable to increase the growth of other mutant animals like piranha, ants, alligators. It’s make your own mutant army, just add water…and some radioactive uranium ore if you can find any.


Uranium Ore
Oh look, it’s radioactive Uranium Ore…Amazon really does sell everything.


Nerd Lenses
If you’re a girl, you can greatly increase your chances of survival by appearing at least to be the nerdy quiet white girl. Wear these fake glasses and be sure to avoid having sex, doing drugs or listening to loud rock music.


Anti-UFO Bazooka
Keep it in back of your pickup next to the dog. It’ll help ward off any would be alien abductors cruising in their spaceships for a good time. Probe this ya alien scum!


Armor Suit
Help prevent zombie or demon bitings and subsequent infection with flexible breathable lining. Also ideal for scavenging in a post apocalyptic forbidden zone (see hockey equipment,)


Inflatable Decoys
When being pursued by a masked psycho, you may find them unstoppable killers but they’re also dumb as a log. Dress one up as their dead mother to distract them while you sneak away.


Ancient Pendants
Unleash the unholy powers of ancient Aztech demons and take over the world. Warning, may cause skin lacerations and a uncontrollable tendancy to laugh menacingly at your enemies. You may also have the urge to adopt a hell hound for a pet and name him Mr. Fluff N. Stuff.

Dec

posted by Barry Goodall | December 4, 2011 | 80's b-movies, 80's movies, Action, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Rest stop, Review by Barry Goodall

Before Arnold was flexing his muscle with his maid service and blowing up state budgets as governor, he was blowing up bad guys on the big screen. In Total Recall Arnie plays Doug Quaid, a guy who seems to have a great life jack hammering concrete during the day and hammerin’ Sharon Stone at night. Despite the daily grind, Doug is looking for more out of life and has been having reoccurring dreams about trips to Mars and getting his eyes sucked out of their sockets from decompression. Sounds like fun, so instead of taking a vacation he decides to have the memories of a fake trip to Mars implanted into his giant noggin’ by Rekall, Inc. Things go wrong when the implant doesn’t take and the company has to dump Doug in a robot taxi. Unfortunately his co-workers show up and try to kill him with some post-modern uzis but Arnie snaps their necks like they’re democrat fund raisers. Back at his house, he has a knife fight with his wife for not bringing home eggs and milk and narrowly escapes from a group of thugs led by Michael Ironside. After a brief nasal probing, Doug takes a ship to Mars to find out the secrets of his identity. In the planet’s red light district he teams up with a hooker turned martian revolutionary who likes slapping him around like Ike Turner and she leads him to Kuato, a munchkin martian attached to some slouches stomach. Kuato reads Doug’s memories learning he can free Mars and it’s colonists by activating a mysterious reactor inside a martian temple. It’s theorized it will melt a giant glacier inside a mountain resulting in the planet’s biggest slushy. Doug uses holograms and semi automatics against the evil corporate baron and his goon squad who have cut off oxygen to the mutants. If only he tried the same thing with California. Barry Goodall reminds you to check it out and always wrap a wet towel around your head before getting your butt to Mars.

Roadside Attractions:

- exploding heads
- extreme nasal probes
- triple-breasted martians
- eye bulging
- dwarf with machine guns
- robot cab drivers
- rat shooting
- multiple head shots
- tummy baby mutants
- drill to the gut
- hologram shooting

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