Apr

posted by Barry Goodall | April 11, 2012 | 80's movies, Action, B-movie Reviews, Fantasy, Guest Review, Sci-Fi

General Relativity is a visitor from the 31st Century.  As a Level III Chrononaut, the General is a mid-level civil servant in the Time Enforcement Commission, which basically means he has to fill out a million forms every time one of you tries to go back to hunt a dinosaur or give AK-47s to the Confederates or whatever.   And no, he can not explain to you why John Connor looks completely different in every single Terminator movie, so don’t ask.

Aristotle.  Plato.  Confucius.  Descartes.  Swayze.  These philosophers laid the foundation for all modern thought.  At least that is what we learned in the Preston-Logan Spacetime Academy.  From Red Dawn to Road House to the indomitable Point Break (which in 3020 was named the greatest movie ever made by the Lundgren Council for the Arts), Swayze’s streak of profundity was unmatched by any 80s star.  In these mystical masterworks, Patrick Swayze was committed to the principles of an undefined and vague Tao of manly badassedness.  Unlike the others on the list of Great Minds, Swayze could nail a bodacious roundhouse kick.

Steel Dawn” is unfortunately not a sequel to Swayze’s 1984 classic “Red Dawn.”  Rather, Steel Dawn is one of those post-apocalyptic westerns released in the wake of the success of “Road Warrior.”  It has most of the touchstones for that genre: mutants, primitive weaponry, lots and lots of desert, and hairstyles out of an 80’s hair metal music video.  The hair in this movie is a special effect.

We begin with the nameless Nomad (Swayze) performing a headstand at the top of a dune in the middle of a desert.  He is communing, because that’s what Swayze does.  Cthulhu-faced mutants emerge from the sand wielding car maintenance equipment and attack him.  Swayze kills them all using a fighting style I can only describe as “Dirty Dance Fighting.”  The principal technique associated with this obscure martial art is to execute a number of unnecessary somersaults and pirouettes before you spin your aluminum foil sword a few times.

From this promising beginning, I hoped that mutants would be the main villain of the film, just as they are in real life.  Unfortunately, the rest of the movie is pitifully lacking in mutants.  The real bad guys are humans rejected from a Mötley Crüe casting call and banished to a Pat Benatar music video.  After the members of Faster Pussycat kill Swayze’s master, Swayze wanders the desert looking generally irritated.  Or maybe he’s just tortured.  Or constipated.  Or tortured by constipation.


Not that he lacks a reason to be irritated, especially after he meets a woman named Ke$ha ( played in amazing crimped hair by Swayze’s real life wife Lisa Niemi).  Swayze befriends her son who is played by Jake Lloyd from “The Phantom Menace” and who gains an alarming amount of weight as the movie goes on.  Water is premium in the desert, and Ke$ha wants to build an aquaduct.  This is basically “Chinatown” but with characters named “Tark” and swords made of silver plastic.  The bad guys are after the water.  But Swayze, using somersaults and head-kicking, will teach them, and us, important lessons about man’s search for faith….

No Swayze film would be complete without his signature esoteric analects.  In this regard, “Steel Dawn” is an undiscovered treasure.  Now, presented without context, the lessons from “Steel Dawn”:

“Promise never to misuse this knowledge.  Before you fight you must first learn to meditate.”
“What’s the matter, never seen a grown man naked?”
“You shouldnt play with sharp objects.”
“A man needs his exercise.”
“I attract violence!”  (That is not the only thing you attract, dude.)
“You talk too much.”

roadside attractions

  • Patrick Freakin’ Swayze
  • Cthulhu Sapiens Mutants
  • Somersaults
  • Pirouettes
  • Tinfoil Swords
  • Sand
  • More Sand
  • Obscene Aquanet Abuse
  • Proto-Jake Lloyd
  • Wind-Powered Go-Carts
  • Fighting with Staves
  • Water Politics
totals

3

blood

BLOOD

Although Swayze wields a menacing tinfoil sword, he mostly prefers to kick people in the face.

4

blood

BREASTS

There is a little tease of Swayze pecs while he’s bathing, but I was underwhelmed. Swayze and Brion James (of Blade Runner) stumble into some groupies while they are raiding the hair metal bad guys’ hideout, which is an abandoned Guns ‘n Roses concert stage, but no one seals the deal.

2

beast

BEASTS

Needz moar mutants!

3.0 OVERALL
dripper
Apr


A victim of his own personal torment, The Giallo Goon (also called Goon) forces himself to watch some of worst and sleaziest films known to mankind, like some sort of sick, demented science experiment. He’ll upload videos of him warning others about these films, mocking them in a sarcastic and satirical manner in some weird attempt to save his own sanity, although it’s very possible that has been gone for some time.




With a title like ‘The Gestapo’s Last Orgy’, you’re probly thinking ‘Family Fun Entertainment’, right? Well, I guess that would depend on your family. If you’re family is a bunch of drooling, stark raving mad lunatics,then yes. Yes it is a family fun film. Also, it boasts as being ‘The sickest entry in the Nazisploitation genre!’ Let that set the bar of expectations for the film.

The movie opens up as our main characters, Nazi (or ex-Nazi since this movie is told in flashback form) Conrad von Starke and former Jew Prisoner Lisa (that kinda looks offensive written out) as they share a tender moment and this is their wholesome, beautiful story of how they fell in love… ahem. As they charmingly frolic through the old campsite (that also seems offensive written out) and reminisce. And they certainly don’t hold back on the ‘last orgy’ thing as the following scene is a bunch of naked Nazi soldiers are ordered to rape a group of Jewish prisoners, but not to give them pleasure. But, by now you’re probably thinking to yourself, ‘Hey, how come the Nazi’s aren’t speaking German or have German accents?’ And you would be foolish to think that. This scene also features a slide show of a woman eating and smearing herself in a man’s feces, but that’s the lighter side to this scene. We should probably just move on.

The following wholesome scenes include an inmate who is disfigured by other inmates with forks (Oh yeah… apparently this is also a ‘women in prison’ type of movie), another who is fed to dogs because she is having her menstrual cycle and plenty of more guards having sex with inmates. Hey wait, where are you going?

But this is also where we see Starke become interested in Lisa because of her unbreakable spirit. Nothing he does to her, or the other prisoners, seems to bother her. She just stands motionless with a stone cold gaze. Maybe she is in shock that she said ‘yes’ to this film. Not even a dinner scene where the German Officers main course is the prisoners (Cannibalism too? Man, this movie has everything!), but they even set fire to a prisoner and have an orgy? I did warn you, it’s even in the title. Lisa’s torture and humiliation continues and she attempts suicide, but is saved by a doctor and we learn why Lisa is there, what she did and about her family. It’s actually a pretty compelling moment in the midst of all the horrible images and scenes going on.

Starke finally admits he has fallen in love with Lisa and she has fallen for him. She wears a belt made of scalps from former inmates as a sign of affection. Much cheaper than a ring! She gives birth to a baby only to have it taken away and killed (because why not? Just in case something in this film hasn’t offended you) since a ‘half breed’ would have no place in the new world according to Starke. This brings the movies conclusion as we see Starke attempting to make love to Lisa, but she removes a revolver from her purse… GASP! What happens next.

I would say we could make a drinking game out of this. Like, every time you are offended by something, but then the bottle would never leave your lips and you would drown yourself. And for the record, regardless of this story being about how a couple met, this isn’t a good date movie. I should know, but hey! How was I supposed to know this sort of thing repulses 99% of the population? Maybe if it starred Adam Sandler and Jennifer Aniston… Either way, this film does contain enough offensive material to make even a sex offender blush, but underneath is brutal revenge flick blending together several genres. So if you can stomach it, check it out.

roadside attractions

  • Germans with English accents
  • Cannibal Cookout
  • Dog Meat
  • Wieners and Buns!
  • Women in Prison massacre
  • Goose Steppin’ Nazi-o-Rama
  • Femme Fatale Revenge
totals

6

blood

BLOOD

You get some blood. You get some guts (quite literally).

9

blood

BREASTS

Nearly a moment doesn’t go by, but probly not in the way you want to see them.

8

beast

BEASTS

Chock full ‘o Nazis!

6.00 OVERALL
dripper


Apr

posted by Die-Anne Takillya | April 1, 2012 | Horror movies, Review by Die-Anne Takillya, modern horror

Shew! Things have been just crazy here! We’ve been doing some cleaning out and remodeling after the last visit from the health inspector. He doesn’t tend to score well when there’s human remains on the premises, so we had to take care of them… and him. But, we gave ourselves a modest score of 92 after we got all the blood off’n his clipboard, and had to make it through a bit of questioning by the authorities, but not to worry, we’re just fine and dandy. I had a couple of days off right before we reopened, and seeing as how things are a tad bit lonely in these parts, I decided to try out something a little romantical.  Which has brought me to Love Object.

Love Object is the tale of socially inept technical manual writer, Kenneth. He is hot to trot, but he doesn’t have the huevos to ask the cute new temp out. After a meeting with his mercurial supervisor, Mr. Novak, he’s given a difficult project with a ridiculous deadline and has to work in close quarters with the girl of his dreams, but instead of being normal and asking her out to coffee, he goes an alternate route.

One of his more helpful coworkers (that guy who keeps hardcore porn in the office- You all have one, I’m sure!) introduces him to ultra-realistic love dolls. This sends him into a tizzy, prompting him to visit his local purveyor of filth. The clerk at the porn store has some strange wine-colored rash and facial deformity, which startles our romeo, and keeps him from buying anything to add to his spank bank.

After considering the options of actually talking to the girl or spending $10,000 on a sex toy… you guessed it. He goes online and orders the custom-crafted Nikki doll, basing her physical features on his office temptress, Lisa.

He begins to recieve calls from his bank, asking about the charge, because it sent him into massive overdraft, but they’re giving him until the end of the month to pay the balance. Nikki is delivered by a man with one of those crazy rashes on his hand, and his creepy apartment manager starts poking his nose into his business, because large packages are everyone’s business, even the cop neighbor from downstairs.

I swear to my grandma, if my neighbors were this nosy, I’d either be acting as bizzare as possible on purpose, or I’d move out. These folks are listening through walls and trying to look into peep-holes and all that. That is not how adults interact with each other! If I caught someone looking into my peephole, they’d get a skillet upside the head! Err… well, maybe a stern talkin’ to. Yeah. That one.

He gets the box inside and unearths darling Nikki. He whips her out of the box and, well, you know. Yeah, you do. It’s not as sexy as it sounds, either. He tries to return her (EWW!), but then finds the instruction manual. Now, this thing is no manual, it’s a CD-Rom that just lights up all of tech-boy’s dials; complete with audio and pictures he can print out and tack up to his corkboard, if you know what I mean, and I KNOW you do!

He starts paying a lot of attention to Lisa the temp, and enacts all kinds of freaky scenarios, buying the silicone seductress clothes and lingerie, and even venturing back to the porn shop… where everyone has those weird rashes! Is the director trying to say something? If you’re kinky, you get a rash? Well, honey, if that’s the price for being kinky, then I should look like I’ve had full-body poison oak for 17 years.

The problem with him payin’ so much attention to Lisa is that Nikki is a jealous doll. Think Chatty Cathy, but with a realistic va-jay-jay, and a nastier temper. He wakes up to find she’s moved, changed wardrobe, even attacked his stalkery- um, no, not that, but his research- with a nice German kitchen knife.

He finally gets with the girl and is tired of all of Nikki’s bullcrap, hacks her into pieces, and throws her into the dumpster. Then he goes forth, forging a new romance with Lisa, dancing, making the sign of the three-throated cobra, even dressing her up like Nikki. Everything is roses, until…

She finds the advertisement for Nikki and freaks out (naturally!), dumps him, and he’s sent into the biggest tizzy of them all- tries to order a new doll and gets denied, he requests an advance on his bonus for writing the manual and gets fired, then he goes nuts and attacks Lisa.

He brings her back to his apartment and puts her in the specialized rig he made for Nikki. His apartment manager gets suspicious and comes into the apartment and sees her. Kenneth, (who is now sporting a crazy pervert rash of his own) kills him after Nikki the dismembered sex-doll calls him on the phone, and chops him up.

He has decided to plasicize Lisa, that way she can be his party-doll forever and ever. During a struggle, Lisa manages to send his plans to the office, hoping they’ll get it and send help.

Kenneth is officially off his nut now, and has Lisa tied down in the box that Nikki came in. He puts a needle in her femoral artery to drain her blood, and has a full embalming rig sitting there ready to go. She flips out (of course), and they have a decent little fight.

While this is happening, the apartment manager’s chopped-up bits have been found by the cops, and who else but his downstairs neighbor is in on the discovery! He tries to call Kenneth, but doesn’t get an answer. He decides to just drop in, and sees Lisa on top of Kenneth in dominatrix lingere, preparing to stab him with the very large, very sharp embalming needle! He wastes no time emptying his clip into Lisa. HOLY JEEZ!!

Kenneth gets his job back, plus he gets his bonus; Lisa is labeled as a psycho, and who gets a Nikki 2.0? You guessed it, ol’ rash-neck hisself.

I tell you what, this one is definitely an examination of relationships gone pear-shaped. I don’t much care for the director trying to be all high-and-mighty about what people should stick into themselves or vice-versa, but overall a very off-kilter flick. It really makes you feel off balance at times, especially when Lisa is revealed to not be the perfect doll Kenneth has made her out to be, and his hallucinations of Nikki attacking him are nuts. Check this one out!

roadside attractions

  • Ultra-Realistic Silicone Love Doll
  • Multiple aardvarking
  • needle-fu
  • tattoo-fu
  • shock at body piercing
  • limp noodle
  • pervert rash
  • mildy kinky behavior
  • psychological trauma
  • cubicle dwelling
  • office politics-fu
  • sexual deviancy
  • 1 real head rolls
  • 1 silicone head rolls
  • Rip Torn-fu
  • pink slip-fu
totals

2

blood

BLOOD

2 gallons of blood.

3

blood

BREASTS

Sorry fellas, I don’t count silicone ta-tas as the real kahunas

6

beast

BEASTS

Kenneth and Rip Torn, and anyone else with a pervert rash!

8.00 OVERALL
dripper


Mar

posted by Barry Goodall | March 29, 2012 | News

Our friends at www.superstrangevideo.com have gotten the exclusive rights to offer the 15th Anniversary of Midnight Blue on DVD. Midnight Blue is the twisted tale of a a mysterious woman  who runs the ultimate con on a poor unsuspecting executive Martin, played by Damian Chapa. Martin is a banker on a business trip when he is proposition by an apparent high-class call girl. She ditches him the next morning and he hires a detective to help find her only to meet her again at a party at his bosses houses. All isn’t what it appears to be and millions of dollars are up for stake. It’s a Hitchcock means Skinamax tale of betrayal and hidden lies. Also starring Dean Stockwell, Harry Dean Standon and Steve Kanaly.

Mar

posted by Tiger Sixon | March 23, 2012 | 70's movies, B-movies, Cult Film, Grindhouse, Review by Tiger Sixon

Comments Off

From the trailer

Women in Cages continues The Big Doll House’s proud cinematic tradition of showing women behind bars (and the ‘trilogy’ was completed with the mashup-sounding, The Big Bird Cage). Although, there are very few real cages to be found. Jail cells, sure. Holes in the ground, yes. Cages, at least in the style familiar to birds as I hoped to see, were nowhere to be seen.

What Women in Cages does have in abundance is one of the Three B-movie B’s: Breasts. They are everywhere, like Bronies at a cosplay convention. You see breasts in the first few minutes, and you don’t really go more than about 22 frames before seeing another pair, or five. Breasts in Cages would be a more apt title. Actually, no. Breasts A-Go-Go would be even better (See also: Breast Friends, Bosom Buddies, Boobpocalypse Now).

Women in Cages still

The plot, such as it is, has a lady blackmailed with drug possession, and she’s sent to a hellish women’s prison by a judge with a robot voice. The judge ain’t really a robot, he just sounds like one (like the voices in my head). The sound quality, or lack thereof, is nothing short of hilarious. Some scenes sound like they were recorded with a garage sale Strawberry Shortcake Tape Recorder, and then buried in a damp basement for five years. Then there is the music. It seems to be on its own schedule, and starts and stops whenever it wants, no matter what is going on in the scene. Also on its own schedule are the ‘day for night’ shots—the lighting shifts more often than a NASCAR driver.

The prisoners are under the iron heel of the Matron Alabama, played by a young Pam Grier. When Grier ain’t seducing her female charges, she is torturing them in ‘The Playpen’ (which ain’t some kinda Thunderdome arena as I first hoped). One scene in particular brings new meaning to the phrase “fire crotch.”

Speaking of crotches, Women in Cages features some of the best cinematography ever. At least in regards to covering up a lady’s lower regions. Yes, a well-placed candle, bottle, book, or what-have-you always seems to take the spot of honor. Breasts, and behinds are displayed proudly, like medals of honor, but genitals are covered up like the Russian Moon Landing. The placement and framing of these items is nothing short of inspired.

Fire crotch in Women in Cages

But, the plot ain’t all whips, boobs, and cat fights. There is plenty of hilarity. A junkie is promised a fix if she can kill her cellmate—and she’s more inept than a blindfolded Saturday Morning cartoon villain (but with less facial hair). I half-expected her to yell, “Curses! Foiled again!” at times.

Women in Cages is ridiculous, over the top, and cheaply made—three of my favorite things (after whiskey, Smaller Wonder reruns, and whisky). Grier is reason enough to watch this film, and is quite the stand-out. As the Matron, Grier is as brutal and merciless as The Phantom Menace on an infinite loop.

Tiger says, give this one a watch, if only for the history lesson in exploitation films of the early 1970s. Women in Cages is a relic of its time, and it has an important, ageless message: Don’t do drugs in the Philippines.


Tiger Sixon is forced to watch B-movies from the comfort of a secret government base in Death Valley. He looks nothing at all like Daniel J. Hogan (@danieljhogan) who draws the comic Clattertron.

roadside attractions

  • Cat fights
  • Poisoned sandwiches
  • Torture
  • Acid throwing
  • A cock fight
  • Two blondes
  • One redhead
  • Sweaty ladies
  • Shives
  • Rats
  • Snakes
  • Leeches
  • Shock treatment
  • Day for night hilarity
  • Crazy sound
  • Short skirts
  • Creative crotch coverage
totals

7

blood

BLOOD

Between cat fights, torture, and guns, there is plenty of blood to go around. .

10

blood

BREASTS

There are so many breasts, that if this movie was in 3D, you would poke an eye out. Hell, both.

10

beast

BEASTS

While not a beast in the ‘scaly monster’ sense of the word, the Matron is beastly in how she treats her charges at the prison. Don’t let the Matron’s good looks and seductive charm fool you—she is one tough customer.

9.0 OVERALL
dripper
Cinema Rolls Podcast
join our mailing list
* indicates required

About the Highway

Lost Highway is your satirical detour down the twisted back roads of b-movies and cult films reviews. learn more >>