The Giallo Goon from a somewhat similarly titled website called “The Giallo Goon” stopped by at our Lost Highway offices this weekend. After stuffing his pockets from our mint tray he finally handed us a package, a plain paper wrapped VHS tape that smelled strangely of whiskey and Cheetos. Turns out it wasn’t the naked midget wrestling tape we ordered 2 weeks ago but his hilarious review of “The Prowler.” A classic slasher from the 80’s that helped make pitchfork shower killin’ the extreme sport it is today. You can view the episode in it’s entirety below and we look forward to his future video reviews…and midget wrestling.
Call me a nay sayer, say I was a doubter. I gotta admit that I didn’t think it was possible to top some of our country’s best combos. Mustard and vienna sausages , chicken and waffles, Starsky and Hutch, but Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-o-rama maybe the perfect combo of gawkin’ at half naked woman and drunk bowling on a Friday night.
It all starts when 3 horny geeks want a sneak peak at a sorority initiation lead by Robin Rochelle. She’s a 38 year old co-ed still trying to pass her freshman year but she has a hankering for paddlin’ some hinnies and covering pledges in whip cream. You just don’t see that sorta behavior with soccer moms anymore. She catches the peeping toms who were all just watching them shower sans-luffas for what seems like a good hour. The I-felta-thi sorority has a very active bowling league so she sends the nerds and the pledges out to steal a bowling trophy and prove their worth. After breaking into the bowling alley they run into Linnea Quigly whose nearly unrecognizable fully clothed. She plays “Spider” a convict trying to rob the joint with a crow bar and a few well placed f-bombs. The gang grabs a trophy but accidentally lets out a demonic imp with the voice of Don Cornelius who’s been trapped inside for the last 30 years. The jive talking monster midget grants them each a wish and a chance to win a guest spot on Soul Train. Their wishes involve being queen of the prom, bars of gold and Michelle Bauer getting nekkid… but hey, who hasn’t had that same wish?
It all suddenly goes bad though when the imp turns some of the girls into demonic minions with bad skin and a hankerin’ for evil. They cram a fat guy’s head into a ball polishing machine and deep fries another guy’s face in the fry cooker taking time out to pick up a few spares with a severed head. Spider and her new nerd boyfriend must fight their way out with the help of a partially deaf janitor and put a stop to the evil muppet’s plans of world domination by stuffing him in a coffee can. If they can’t, it could be a fate far worse than death…a movie sequel. Sorority Babes is a fun 80’s throwback to when the jocks were dumb and the bimbos were big breasted. Barry Goodall says check it out and don’t forget to bring your bowling shoes and some 10 pound balls.
If you got 10 pound balls, how did you walk to the videostore so fast? That joke never gets old.
- Gratuitous spank-athon
- Whip cream-tastic
- Extensive use of a crowbar
- Magic demon trophy
- Head polishing
- Face frying
- Girl pulled in half like a pulled pork sandwich
- Flaming bimbos
- Severed head roll and bowl
- Evil imp impalement
- Car crash with roll
it’s the booooooooowwwwlll-train.
There isn’t enough witty banter in the world to lead you into this one, and besides that if one more plot element got introduced, I think you’d turn on me.
We’re talking The Dead Matter, a film by Midnight Syndicate, which I’m sure most of you are familiar with. Their music is awesome, and nobody disputes that. This movie has gotten glowing reviews all over the place, but unfortunately I can’t quite echo those sentiments, though I can say this is a better movie than some I’ve watched recently (I’m looking at you, Inheritance.) I had the pleasure of meeting the writer, Ed Douglas at the Cinema Wasteland convention back in April, and I can say with certainty that he is one highly creative dude. This movie proves that with extra to spare.
I’m going to break this down as best I could follow it. There are, that I counted, at least 4 different plotlines flowing through this mother, and I’m going to outline them here:
1. There is an amulet that allows the wearer to control the dead, and it’s in the hands of an evil vampire who wants the zombie hordes to be his army. Vampire hunters are trying to get it away from him and into the sacred woods of Ohio to dispel the evil.
2. A girl is in extreme mourning over her brother, and will resort to desperate measures to get him back, including witchcraft and the use of any amulets she happens to find in the sacred woods of Ohio.
3. War has broken out in the vampire community between those who cling to the old ways, and those who embrace change and the modern world. The ringleader of the modern vampires and the old school vampire go back and forth about the merits of real blood vs. synthetic vampire drugs.
4.Scientists are developing a weight loss drug that has an unfortunate side effect: Vampirism. Mayhem ensues.
All of these plot lines crash around the amulet, and left me wanting.
It’s like eating a casserole that’s got too much going on; it’s enjoyable, you’ll eat it without a problem, but there’s something that’s just not right about it. Take out the extras, and give me one solid dish. Any one of those stories would have been amazing. Sadly, mixing them all together, no matter how skillfully they segue into one another, just didn’t work. Maybe I’m a simple woman, I like chocolate chip cookies, but not chocolate chip cookies with walnuts and coconut; maybe this one was too sophisticated for me. But I’d rather watch vampires duke it out with hunters for the fate of humanity, or a girl getting her just desserts for not letting the dead rest, or even the drug. I love the drug plotline, and that was the thinnest one of them all. I leave out the vampire war plotline simply because I’m a little burnt out on the old fangsters. Maybe if the acting, while not lacking in star power, I mean, Tom Savini, Andrew Divoff, and Jason Carter are awesome, but the surrounding characters gave them nothing to play with. Gretchen, the mourning girl, had one of those annoying soft squeaky voices and looked almost bored the whole time.
The saving grace for this movie is it’s technical side. The movie is absolutely beautiful. Lighting, music, sets, shots, editing…this sumbish is sharp. You can tell how much love the filmmakers have for the genre from the opening shot. The special effects were largely practical and were spot on. Vampires ripping peoples gutsacks open, zombies falling apart all over the place, fridges full of meat coming to life and wiggling all over, too many dead bodies to count, realistic fighting scenes… its good stuff! If the stories had been given more room to grow, and I know this is a remake, but take out one or two elements here, and perhaps I’d be singing a different tune. I could see each of those plots as a Creepshow-style anthology series, wrap each one around the amulet or whatever you need to do, but tell the whole story, don’t just give me this, oh and then this too, then that, oh, and we can’t forget that! By the time it was over, I was scratching my head, and having to watch it again only to not really get any of my questions answered.
At any rate, you have to watch it at least once, if nothing for the scene where the amulet has attached itself to Gretchen’s chest and she makes her friend’s hair attack her, because hair is dead except for the root. I have to give major credit to Ed and the rest of the Midnight Syndicate folks who made this movie independently and gave us something original to gnaw on for a while.
Check out the trailer for “The Dead Matter”
posted by Barry Goodall | September 13, 2011 | News
Texas Chainsaw Halloween Hootenanny October 28th. Our friends at Scott Ford’s Drive-in will be hosting a super 8mm of Texas Chainsaw in St. Louis, MO. You can meet Grandpa from the original TCM! Visit http://www.scottfordsdriveingraphics.com/ for more info and remember the saw is family.
Tiger here — Well, for some dang reason, the titular ginger and the geek of Ginger and the Geek axed me to do an audio review o’er on their Listenin’ Show (AKA “podcast”).
If yer so inclined, you can listen to my audio review of Food of the Gods (’bout seven minutes) all on its own. Or, if you need help fallin’ asleep, you can listen to the full Ginger and the Geek episode (Lordy, ’bout 60 minutes).
I can’t says how much they spent on bribin’ my gov’ment overlords at the base to let this happen, but I imagine it’ll be a boring Christmas this year. Here’s a tip: paper airplanes: cheap, fun, pointy.
Enjoy. I think they worked out some kinda deal to torture feature me at least once a month.