posted by General Relativity | December 30, 2012 | Horror movies, Reviews by General Relativity, modern horror

Much as the internet lowers the barrier to entry for knuckle-dragging troglodytes to express their worthless opinions about the merit of b-movies, so too has the rise of the found footage fad allowed technically unskilled and narratively challenged knuckle-dragging troglodytes to make horror movies on the cheap. To be fair, not all found footage movies are nauseatingly shot, woodenly acted, and plotless, “Blair Witch Project” and “REC” being notably respectable.  Or take “Lake Mungo” — a relatively obscure Austrialian horror film from 2008 that I absolutely need to share with you.

Lake Mungo is not strictly a found footage movie. It is a fake documentary, with the obligatory interviews and reenactments, while substantially incorporating found footage. 16-year old Alice drowns while swimming. As her family mourns her, they begin to experience strange phenomena. Haunting images appear in photographs. They contact a psychic. Eventually they discover that Alice kept horrible secrets.

Lake Mungo is definitely scary (more in a slow-burn atmospheric way– and OMG THAT ENDING!!!), but it is also sad. It is a meditation on loss and the unknown. Can we ever really know those closest to us? Why is Australia so creepy?

The Lessons from “Lake Mungo”:

-Your teenager is probably up to something messed up right now.
-Seriously, you should be talking to your teenager right now, before she dies.
-Don’t go to Lake Mungo at night.
-Some found footage movies aren’t stupid, they can be legit means for independent filmmakers to do something awesome.

roadside attractions

  • Terrifying end credits
  • Middle aged Psychics
  • Australian Accents
  • Sadly, no Killer Kangaroos
  • Dead Teenagers
  • Ghostly Rooms




There are some disturbing shots of corpses, but this is mostly an atmospheric sort of movie.




Blurry, nothing to get excited about. Disturbing.




The beast is loss and sadness. Bummer.


Check out this trailer from “Lake Mungo”



The Mayans may have just punked us for armageddon so we thought it might be best to get our favorite post-apocalyptic films online just in case they forgot daylight savings. Sure the Mayans brought us corn and mayonaise but they could have never predicted these films of the apocalypse. So without further ado, here’s our mutant editor’s picks.

Di-Anne Takillya’s Pick: “Escape from New York”

Escape From New York: My favorite above all other post-apocalyptic movies; The president’s plane has crash-landed in the New York penal colony, and they’ve gotta get him out! But how? Send in the ultimate in bad-assery, Snake Plissken! The eyepatch wearin’, scruffy-cheeked, leather-clad assassin is basically shanghaied by the government to go get the President back. He’s given a glider, a tracker, and a gun, then dropped over the fence. He meets up with a cabbie who runs the streets like the Devil hisseself is at his heels, and joins forces with The Brain and Adrienne Barbeau to pry the president from the clutches of The Duke. (Who, incidentally, is A-Number 1, and don’t you forget it!) Chock full of fights, sneaking around, and horrible (early) computer graphics, you get your top-secret cassette tape’sworth out of this flick. I watch this movie almost religiously; which is getting rough on my liver, because if you watch the movie like I do, you take a drink every time someone says, “Snake,” “Plissken,” “Duke,” or “President.”

I can’t go this whole time without mentioning that Donald Plesance plays the president, and you can tell that Dr. Loomis has done very well for himself, except for now The Duke is holding him for ransom, and The Duke is one bad mother- Shut your mouth! Hey, I’m just talking about The Duke! He’s debasing and humiliating the president, and that just won’t be tolerated! The Snake… Plisskin busts him loose, and the chase is on! Blam, boom, POW! The president is safe, long live democracy! A happy, or at least as happy an ending as John Carpenter will allow, which I think is good when the apocalypse is going down. At least there aren’t any aliens or the anti-Christ!

Tiger Sixon’s Pick: “The Road Warrior”

Resource scarcity is a scary thing, be it water, Twinkies, or as Road Warrior (aka Mad Max 2) warns us, clothing. Wait, I mean gasoline. There seems to be a shortage of pants as well for some reason, as leather underwear is pretty much the standard workplace attire. As a post-apocalyptic fable, Road Warrior nails it: civilization has gone to hell (at least in Australia. Things might be slightly better in Milwaukee), gasoline is worth more than gold, and it is survival of the fittest.

And like any great b-movie, Road Warrior has a villain wearing a goalie mask: The Humungus. He speaks a bit more than Jason too, or heck even Max himself. That’s right, Mel Gibson, back before he went off the deep end, only has about four lines. Maybe five an’ half. I ain’t counting grunts an’ groans neither. That would probably bump him up to about ten.

Survival is a main theme of Road Warrior, as in bein’ able to survive on what ya can. If that means eatin’ dog food, so be it. If that means picking over corpses for music boxes, OK. And if’n that means having to sew yer own leather jackets or underoos, then go for it. Yes, Road Warrior is pretty much a documentary survival. Except super-violent and full of desolation. But, if you look past all the sand, blood, and leather, Road Warrior teaches ya a few things.

The most important of which might be: “Don’t try to catch a razor sharp boomerang with yer bare hands.”

Tiger Sixon says, Road Warrior is a must watch.

General Relativity’s Pick: “Waterworld.”

I am from the future, so to me what you call a “post-apocalyptic thriller” is what I would call a “documentary.”  Of these, Waterworld most accurately portrays the poisoned ecological hellscape you people have inflicted upon my present.  Sure, they laughed at Kevin Costner back in 1995, but now that your cities are flooding, and the fish and polar bears are dying, and the rains have stopped, I don’t see anyone giggling.  Just wait until the fish-people start showing up.

Also, “Waterworld” is hilarious.  I mean, the dude drinks his pee.  And there is our dearly departed Dennis Hopper in a performance second only to his turn in “Super Mario Brothers.”  And Jane Tripplehorn was at her hottest in 1995.  And how did those horses survive on Everest?  Wouldn’t the Yetis rule the Earth?  These questions aside, I recommend you start saving up your dirt to use as money, because you want to be in the 1% when the ice caps flood and the evil jet ski pirates show up for your trimaran.  Dry land is not a myth!

The Doktor’s Pick: “Hell Comes to Frogtown”

Michael Stipe said it best when he said, “Everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes.” Personally that song gives me the diarrhea (cha, cha, cha), but that’s neither here nor there.

Speaking of painful colonic discharge, how’s about that Mayan end o’ the world stuff? If this is the end of the world, I feel fine. Mostly because the end is like every other day. Mostly.

What would be awesome is if the end of the world was exactly like Hell Comes to Frogtown. The frog mutant creatures would be a bummer, but getting chauffeured in a 50’s panel van with a M60 machine gun, piloted by Sandahl “Valeria” Bergman and Cec Verrell would more than make up for it.

Here’s the gist: Nuclear war mutates frogs into mutant frog men creatures, sterilizes most of humanity and kills off most of the men. Into this arena comes a man, Sam Hell (Roddy “Hot Rod” Piper). Naturally, it’s his duty to get up in that boo— I, erhm, mean, he is sought after for his milk of mannesia, as it were, by the provisional government to help bolster the human population. The only problem is, the fertile virgins he has to impregnate are in the clutches of Commander Toty, the evil leader of the greenies, a derogatory term for the frog people. So Sam, Spangle and Centinella have to make a trip to Frogtown to get ‘em back. Can he do it? Hell yeah! It’s Roddy “Nada” Piper. Duh!

Giallo Goon’s Pick: “Future Force”

In the distant future 1991, so the distant future about twenty years ago, crime was at an all time high. The cops are no longer in control, so they were sold to a corporation (no, not OCP) who then rounded up the rootinest, tootenest rowdy bounty hunters there ever were. They were judge, jury and executioners. They were known as Judges… oh, sorry. I was thinking of a better movie. These dupes are known as COPS. I know what you’re thinking: “Wait, so they fired the cops and formed COPS?” Yup. Civilian Operated Police… Something. I can’t really remember what the ‘S’ stood for. So why wouldn’t they just give the police more power or declare martial law? Look, it’s all very complicated, but in a few words, you wouldn’t have David Carradine drunkenly beat people up. Carradine plays the lone wolf on a justice mission, John Tucker. He has the quickest draw and the meanest attitude. Cleary a healthy candidate to be dishing out lethal justice.

So in a huge shocking twist, turns out the CEO of this corporation (we are going to call them Evil Co), is *choke* *gasp* a bad guy! A TV reporter who will later become the pale, pasty love interest to Tucker, catches wind of all his wrong doings. A bounty is put on her head and Tucker intercepts her, only to learn the truth. Together, they fight through waves of mulleted thugs and misinformed mulleted COPS and finally take on the villain himself in the ultimate battle of good and evil. Tucker does this with the most advanced form of weaponry: A remote controlled, groin socking, laser shooting power glove! This advanced piece of death technology is at Tucker’s disposable whenever he needs, which is like twice. He could seriously use it all the time and it would save him so much trouble, but he only uses it at the beginning to show off his cool toys and then at the end to remind you so you go, ‘Oh yeah, I thought he had that thing.’ Nothing can stop him. Not the hundreds of thousands of bullets shot by machine guns, snipers, grenades, thugs with knives, people punching him in his doughy mid section or literally the dozens of jack booted thugs in leather vests that pile drive him. Nothing will stop Tucker from getting to the ultimate truth: That he was once in Kung Fu.

So if you like seeing ripped denim and eye patched thugs with the coolest hair styles in a post apocalyptic 90’s (sorry, Full House has been canceled… perminately!) or watching a drunken David Carradine phone in a performance and stumble around and slur cheesy one liners all to hair feathering 90’s rock, then Future Force is for you!

Oh and the best part… there is a sequel, Future Zone!

Barry Goodall’s Pick: “Zardoz”

Some movies make perfect sense. Movies like “the Godfather” , “Star Wars” or “Breaking 2: Electric Boogalloo”  But others take you to a whole new level of weird and incomprehensible. A place where reality and time don’t matter. A dimension where you’ll find the movies like “Zardoz” waiting for you.

But what exactly is a Zardoz? Well, it’s not a new cholesterol drug but it could have some of the same long lasting side effects.. dizziness, upset stomach, a lost of free will. It could have been a 80’s hairband since it contains many of the same outfits. Zardoz is actually a giant floating head that upchucks guns and ammo to aborigines like an NRA bulimic. Sean Connery is our post apocalyptic hero in a leather man-kini who hides inside the giant noggin’ and shoots the pilot right above his drawn on mustache. Why? because he’s James Bond wearing hooker boots that’s why!

The head flies him to the Vortex, a land of cellophaned house plants and lazy immortals needing Viagara. That’s where he’s kept as a pet forced to watch 70’s porn and have tests performed on him, usually involving sharp things poked at his crotch. He escapes to a retirement home where a bunch of old people can’t die but are forced to listen to ragtime  music and wear their prom outfits for eternity. Feeling sorry for all the old folk, He invites his aboriginal friends into the vortex to put them out of their misery. Oh, and there’s boobies…lots of boobies. So much nudity I felt overdressed watching it. At some point in the film Sean Connery wears a full on wedding gown… I passed out from shock & horror, “Double oh please make this stop!”  Yes, this movie was bad but it was based on the Wizard of Oz book which makes perfect sense if you’re taking experimental drugs living in a 70’s commune. Barry Goodall says check it out and If you feel the same  way then congratulations, you’ve been Zardozed. Now go get a job you dirty hippy.


posted by Tiger Sixon | December 19, 2012 | 70's b-movies, 70's movies, Cult movies, Horror movies, Review by Tiger Sixon

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dunwich horror
There is a right way and a wrong way to woo a lady. 1970’s The Dunwich Horror is mostly ’bout the latter.

And that’s Horror with no W, kids. The Dunwich Horror with a W is a whole other kinda movie, and I don’t need to embarrass Aunt Sally by talkin’ ’bout it here.

But enough about found family memories–back to the flick. The Dunwich Horror takes its name from the H. P. Lovecraft short story of the same name, which means this flick is gonna be like my last visit to the voting booth: spooky an’ weird. That’s right: Old Ones, cosmic horrors, human sacrifices, and an appearance by everyone’s favorite book, the Necronomicon (sound familiar, Evil Dead fans?).

A young Dean “Quantum Leap/BSG” Stockwell stars as Wilbur Whateley, a smooth talking fellow who is quick with the glad eye when it comes to Nancy, played by Sandra “Gidget” Dee. (A bit o’ trivia: Stockwell would play a supporting role in the 2009 made for TV version of Dunwich Horror). Wilbur wants the Necronomicon, and it ain’t because it makes a great coffee table book.

dunwich horror

Yep, Wilbur is fixin’ to summon some kinda bein’ from another place, and I don’t mean relatives from Cheboygan: something far, far worse. And he will do anything to get the book, even if it means breaking into a library with all the lights on in the middle of the night and having an awkward fight with a security guard.

Wilbur needs Nancy for his devious plans—she’s kinda like the quarter for his phone call to the Other Side. Wilbur proceeds to hypnotize, drug, and manipulate Nancy. Not the best start to any relationship, especially when Wilbur breaks her car on purpose, so she can’t leave his super-creepy house.

Boyfriend of the Year, Wilbur ain’t. Next time, just try flowers, or even a drawing of flowers might work.

Fans of Rocky and The Godfather, take note: Talia Shire (as Talia Coppola) has a role as a nurse.

Since this was made in 1970, there are a few straight-up ‘freak out’ scenes when Nancy is under the influence of Wilbur’s mind altering drugs. These scenes include, but ain’t limited to: orgies, ancient people in loin clothes, body paint, sacrificial altars, beds in fields, stomach tattoos, and crazy super-imposed shots of faces and colors, and what-have-ya.

dunwich horror

Then there is the Dunwich Horror itself, no, not Wilbur’s hairdo: the thing kept in a locked room, at the top of the stairs, which someone lets out.

B-movie Survival Tip: Never open a locked, shaking door at the top of a staircase.

Once the creature is released, all Hell breaks loose. There are some pretty good ‘less is more’ scenes with the beast, and it is one of the stranger Hollywood creatures caught on film.

While downright bizarre in a few parts, The Dunwich Horror is worth a watch for any H. P. Lovecraft fan. Sure, it is obvious this flick was made on the cheap (it is a Roger Corman and Samuel Z. Arkoff joint), but that is part off its charm. The plot does keep you guessin’ and there are a few ‘WTF’ moments, which makes any b-movie worthwhile. Plus, the animated title sequence is all kinds of interesting.

And if that ain’t enough to convince ya: The Dunwich Horror was co-written by future L. A. Confidential/Losin’ It/8 Mile director, Curtis Hanson.

Tiger says, give this one a watch.

Tiger Sixon is forced to watch B-movies from the comfort of a secret government base in Death Valley. He looks nothing at all like Daniel J. Hogan (@danieljhogan) who draws comics and writes humor for Clattertron.

roadside attractions

  • Old Ones
  • Old Men
  • Old Women
  • Belly Tattoos
  • Strange Rocks
  • Beds in Fields
  • Groping
  • Cosmic Horrors
  • Human Sacrifices
  • Creepy Houses
  • Awkward Fights
  • The Necronomicon
  • Mind Control
  • Creatures Behind Locked Doors
  • Strange Dreams




There isn’t a whole lotta blood, but there is still some crazy stuff here.




You see some during Nancy’s crazy dreams. I think. There’s all kinds of weird stuff.




Wilbur is down right creepy on his own, and then there is the titular Horror itself.


posted by Barry Goodall | December 9, 2012 | 80's b-movies, 80's movies, Audio Review, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Podcast

Join the Lost Highway mutant gang ( Giallo Goon,Barry Goodall, The Doktor, and Die-Anne Takillya) as they discuss the 1987 beefy Jon Mikl Thor’s cheese flick Rock n’ Roll Nightmare. Listen with the player below, or use the Download link to save a copy of the MP3 to your computer.

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Remo Williams The Adventure Begins

Remo, that name sure wouldn’t strike fear in the heart of criminals. it’s not really a manly name like a Chuck or Arnold or even a Stone Cold Austin. It’s more like something you would name your old Camaro. “I think the Remo is burning some oil, might need to replace the headers. No Suzie, you can’t wear my Van Halen shirt or you might curse the band to break up.” But sadly Remo is the name of our hero in 1985’s “Remo Williams: The adventure begins.” What was originally based on a series of action novels would have likely been the kick off to a successful b-movie franchise if it wasn’t for the fact that A. Nobody saw it and B. It made no money. I blame Reagonomics. It’s too bad since It’s actually a pretty decent flick. You just have to get pass the dang 80’s montage music and bad Asian stereotypes.

Remo Williams The Adventure BeginsOfficer Samual Macon is out on patrol when he gets into a brawl with some street punks chasing each other in the alley, but they’re simply no match for his manly mustache and trusty 2×4. After a brutal rumble, He settles back in his patrol car for some day old burgers but his car gets rear-ended over the pier. “No, someone please save my burgers!’ then it’s mostly just gurgling and gasping for air.

Macon awakes later in a hospital having his face altered by plastic surgery. They actually just shaved off his mustache and gave him a hair cut and some new clothes making him unrecognizable. It’s like face/off through extreme makeover. Agent MacClearly is waiting in the room like a creeper who tells Macon that he’s been recruited into a secret government agency and that his name is now Remo, appropriately named after cabana boys everywhere. Mac takes Remo to meet the head hancho of the organization Mr Smith, played by Wilfred “Quaker Oats” Brimley. He tells him that his old life is over now and soon he’ll be snipping corrupt CEO’s and evil politicians for a living. Plus, he’ll get great medical and dental coverage if he ever catches the “diabetes.”

Remo Williams The Adventure BeginsFor his first mission Remo has to try to assassinate a small korean man name Chiun at a nearby apartment. Not an easy task as Chiun moves like a caffeinated spider monkey that can dodge bullets or render you paralyzed with a single finger punch. After a humiliating defeat McClearly reveals that Chiun is going to be the guy responsible for training Remo as a deadly assassin despite thinking he moves like a pregnant baboon. Remo is forced to move in with Chiun where he’s trains by jumping across obstacle courses and dodging Chiun’s random pistol shots at breakfast. At night Remo relaxes with some fingerboard exercising and enriched white rice while Chiun watches soap operas. Yeah, it’s just like the odd couple only with gun play.

Meanwhile in what feels like an entirely separate A-team episode, a military accountant Major Flemming (Kate Mulgrew) discovers that an evil CEO is part of a a corrupt weapons procurement program. Please, as if that would ever happen today. She brings it up during a press conference but nobody seems to listen despite her being a star trek captain. But the CEO, Mr. Grove, begins to feel the heat and sends out some goons to keep tabs on her.

Remo is sent in to investigate Mr. Grove, but a henchman tracks him down at the statue of liberty where some paid-off construction worker try to beat him up with lead pipes. Union workers are no match for Remo’s new made-for-tv moves so he easily escapes with some light gymkata and face punching. Later, Remo and MacClearly sneaks into Grove’s research laboratory where they bump into some circus trained dobermans who pull down fire escapes and walk tight ropes and all without the aid of Russian acrobat music. Remo barely escapes but MacClearly gets his fake armed ripped off by one of the mutts then gets shot in the back. I bet he was only 2 weeks away from retirement too!

Remo wanting revenge, infiltrate the military proving grounds where Mr. Grove is using his procured weapons of mass distraction. He traps Remo and Major Flemming in a sealed room where the only way he can escape is by scrapping a bad guy’s diamond encrusted tooth against the glass. Remo decides to ride a hanging log over the forest (not a euphemism) and do some dance moves to dodge Mr. Groves gunshots then torching him in his army jeep. The military try to arrest Remo but he escapes on a jet boat with Chiun riding shotgun like a happy puppy in a car window. Which never really answers the question “What is weapon procurement” and “Does Wilford Brimley really have the diabetes?”

Barry Goodall says let your adventure begin… and end with Remo Williams but don’t forget to finish your training montage and pack some extra Quaker Oats. It’s the right thing to do and the tasty way to do it.

roadside attractions

  • Tom Selleck fake mustaches
  • Bullet dodging
  • Laser attack
  • Amputee cat burglar
  • Running on water
  • Ferris wheel kung-fu training

  • Construction worker hitmen
  • Log riding




Very little except for a few nose bleeds




Well, Remo is kinda a big boob




The henchman is bordering on human but only barely. Also a fake mustache that almost appears to be alive.


Check out this trailer from “Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins”


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