Apr

posted by Tiger Sixon | April 26, 2011 | 90's movies, Action, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Review by Tiger Sixon, Sci-Fi

Dollman1991 was a banner year. The Cold War came to an end, Queen Elizabeth II became the very first British monarch to address the US Congress, and Dollman was released on home video. Yes, home video. This gem was direct to video, as part of Full Moon Entertainment’s stable along with the Puppet Master and Trancer series.

The “Thirteen Inches with Attitude” tagline may make you think this is a bio pic about Tattoo from Fantasy Island or a sequel to Boogie Nights, but it ain’t.

DollmanTim Thomerson (remember him from Zone Troopers?) plays alien cop Brick Bardo. A tough guy with a gun, who always gets his man. OK, let’s face facts—Thomerson pretty much plays the same character in every film, be it Dollman, Trancers, or Zone Troopers. But that’s just fine. He’s good at those kind of characters. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it—just like the armadillo trap in my cell. Them’s good eatin’.

Bardo is busy busting heads on a far away planet, which involves him wearing sunglasses at night (cue the song), when he gets a visit from an old pal. And by an old pal, I mean a bad guy who has been resorted to a floating head, thanks to Mr. Bardo. Apparently, Bardo blew off a different body part during each of their previous encounters. This is how you get ahead in relationships.

A henchman steals Bardo’s gun, but our hero uses a Jedi mind trick to return it to his hand—and that’s when all Hell breaks loose. And so do body parts. Lots of body parts. Bardo’s hand gun turns Floating Head’s henchmen into something out of a Picasso painting. Floating Head escapes in a spaceship and Bardo gives chase in his own. The pair is sucked into a worm hole in outer space (as opposed to Wisconsin), and they crash land, where else, but in the Bronx. Hilarity ensues. Literally.

DollmanThis is where the Doll portion of the title comes in to effect. It turns out, that while Bardo was of normal size on his home planet, he is only thirteen inches tall on Earth. Reminds of that time I went to [CLASSIFIED] where all the [CLASSIFIED] are super tall. Good thing I do all that yoga.

After arriving in the Bronx, we are treated to a touching montage of what the city has to offer: crime, drugs, and violence. Ah, city life. A woman, Debi, is attacked by a gang near where Bardo crash landed, so he lends a hand. And like Stubby Joe over in D-Block on the base, it is a very tiny hand.

Bardo’s super-powerful gun only does average damage to the giant henchmen of Earth, but it is still plenty. What baddies survive, run away. Debi, thankful but confused, takes Bardo home with her.

Remember Floating Head? He’s on Earth too, and about as dangerous as half of a tennis ball. Oh, and he has a bomb of some kind. Details. He joins forces with the gang’s leader, Braxton—Oscar nominated actor, Jackie Earle Haley, who looks like a poor man’s Ray Liotta in this. Yes, this was many years before his nomination (for Little Children), but you have to start somewhere, just like my tapeworm. You may also remember Haley as Rorschach in Watchmen or as Freddy in the Nightmare on Elm Street reboot. No? That’s OK, I didn’t seem those either.

DollmanBack at Debi’s apartment, Bardo makes short work of a cockroach with his gun, and she yells “don’t pull that thing out again!” She sounds just like my second wife. She hated my glass eye. Just kidding. It was a real eye.

Braxton’s crew shows up for the Dollman, but Bardo paints the walls with their blood. Really, he does. Debi scrubs it off with a sponge in the next scene—and then gets kidnapped. Bardo has enough, and goes for one last tiny showdown with the gang, proving once again, that just like cheap dentures, friends come in all sizes.

Dollman has plenty of blood, but no breasts, and very few beasts unless you count Floating Head and a “giant” cockroach. Still, it is fun to watch Thomerson act like he is only thirteen inches tall, and for direct to video, the special effects are pretty good. Give this one a watch.


Tiger Sixon is forced to watch B-movies from the comfort of a secret government base in Death Valley. He looks nothing at all like Daniel J. Hogan (@danieljhogan) who draws the comic Clattertron.

roadside attractions

  • Bloody walls
  • Alien Laundromats
  • Sunglasses at night
  • Exploding crooks
  • Floating heads
  • Tiny spaceships
  • Bloody Gang bangers
  • Colored Bandanas
  • Flannel
  • “Giant” Roaches and Mice
  • Big guns
  • Tiny men
  • Inter-dimensional bombs
  • Lost limbs
totals

10

blood

BLOOD

There is no shortage of the red stuff in Dollman. It helps when the main character has a gun that can blow baddies to pieces.

0

blood

BREASTS

You don’t see any fun bags in this outing. Sorry, kids.

5

beast

BEASTS

Floating Head counts as a beast, I suppose, as he is rather creepy. Plus you have a “giant” cockroach and “giant” mouse.

5.0 OVERALL
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Check out the trailer for “Dollman”

trailers

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Apr

Yes, it’s another in a long line of death penalties run amuck films with “The Horror Show.” also known on the street as House 3 or House Tres for our spanish readers, it still has nothing to do with any of the other previous films or the even worse House IV: we’re running out of ideas.  Lance Henriksen plays detective Mcarthy who just recently locked away U.S.  history’s worse serial killer, Max Jenke. Ever since the arrest he’s been having bad dreams of playing hot potatoes with severed heads and dismembered cop hands. He hopes to finally get a good nights sleep after Jenke’s execution but it’s not an easy job with several false starts trying to jump start the electric chair (if you keep cranking it like that you’re just gonna flood it.) He’s finally turned extra crispy dead when they kick the electric chair into high and ignoring that fried psycho smell. Later in the morgue, Jenke’s spirit leaps into the electrical outlet and posses the Mcarthy’s family furnace where he can continue to haunt Mcarthy like a bad Wham song. Jenkes talks trash as a possessed roasted turkey, kills as stand up comedian, and occasionally materializes to hack up teenage boyfriends hiding out in basements.

All this makes Mcarthy thinks he’s going a bit crazy but a science geek who majored in electro-demonology confirms Jenke is very much alive and now in electrical form. Luckily he tells the detective all that just before he gets chopped up with a meat cleaver. The police suspect Mcarthy is actually a killer now since everyone he knows keep ending up dead so after a good cop bad cop interrogation, they send him home with a stearn warning and some dougnut coupons. Mcarthy ends up fighting Jenke in his netherworld power plant while his family is stuck in some sort of purgatory waiting room. The only way to kill this guy? Electrocute him again to bring him into the real world for a major smack down…. because if you failed the first time, try,try, try again.

Roadside Attractions:
Deep fried cop hands
Cajun style electrocution
Talkin’ turkey
Mutant preggers
Multiple chest choppings
Television shoot-out
Multiple electrocutions
Death by hard rock
Heads rolls
Heads explode
Cleaver-fu
Furnance-fu

The writer must have been having a severe case of Wes Craven envy when he slapped this script together with ideas ripped right out of Nightmare on Elm St and Shocker but Barry Goodall still says check it out… or watch a slap chop video. Either are just about as terrifying.

“The Horror Show” proving once again why the death penalty isn’t a good deterrent…but it sure is entertaining.

trailers

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Apr

Deadtime Stories isn’t just a bad horror anthology it’s also a subliminal government warning to parents to be careful who watches your kids, especially creepy uncles. Mike (Michael Mesmer)  is watching over his nephew Brian whose been having trouble sleeping lately. Could be the 2 liter of Mt. Dew he downed or that his rooms makes growling noises when the lights go out. A bedtime story should naturally ease his fears of having his face devoured but instead of tales of cute bunnies and dancing hippos learning valuable life lessons, Uncle Mike’s stories will likely turn Brian into a sex crazed psychopath. Hey, at least he’ll be a well rested sex crazed psychopath.

The first tale of terror stars Scott Valentine of Family Ties fame, still looking very 80’s but happily living the Medievil lifestyle. Scott plays Peter, an indentured servant to a couple of witches with a bad case of the uglies. They send Peter out to fetch them a local schmuck that they can woo with their feminine charms and sexy facial moles.  The witches disguise themselves as harem girls with a beer goggle spell then proceed to pour some weird ointment on his arm that eats through his wrist like some expired Preperation H. Then they use his severed hand as a voodoo GPS to find and dig up their sister’s remains for a late night family reunion. After a fun night of grave robbing, Peter is  instructed to lure a virgin to back to their cave so he can show her his medieval beer mugs and make her a virgin sacrifice to raise the dead sister. Realizing it could also be his last chance to ever have sex, Peter knives one of the witches in the head whose blood results in a reanimated Alice Cooper with jerry curls that tries to strangle everyone. So yeah…it really is a lot like a family reunion.

The next tale of terror from uncle Mike  is a Larry Flint version of little red riding hood. Rachel is a day dreaming jogger who has sexual fantasies about her puffy faced boyfriend. On a trip to the drugstore before her big date night she runs into Willi (Matt Mitler.) Willi is an incognito werewolf in dire need of some industrial strength tranquilizers and nair hair remover. His prescriptions get mixed up with Rachel’s Grandma so he has to go track her down before the full moon rises that night. Willi starts sprouting Ewok fur and makes the grandma into puppy chow. Meanwhile Rachel and her boyfriend are shagging out in the tool shed on a blowup mattress to 80’s soft rock. After an akward montage, Rachel heads back up to Grandma’s house while the werewolf uses her boyfriend’s intestines for dental floss. They fight to the  death on the living room rug never once jumping on the furniture and grandma is rushed to the hospital for some rabie shots. You just won’t see that on Jerry Springer.

Back to reality again, Uncle Tim is nearly at his breaking point with his insomniac nephew. How will he ever finish watching miss nude Universe with all these interruptions?  His final story for Brian revolves around a girl named Goldie Lox. She has the power of telekinesis along with some mad skills in human taxidermy while living in a house belonging to a family of loonies known as the Bear gang. Golide’s been propping up dead ex-boyfriends in funny poses and using up all their hot water for extended shower scenes. The family return after breaking their kids out of the psycho-ward and are charmed by Goldie’s dimwittedness and passion for  playing with dead things. The cops are eventually tipped off but arrive a bit late for a Waco re-enactment. Sadly, the family is just pigging out at a diner when the cops start blowing bullet holes into the side of the house for an extreme home makeover. The Bears skip paying their bill and commit a parking lot hit-and-run just before pealing off into the sunset never to be seen from again. Not sure what the lesson was on this one other than the perils of jay walking and high water bills. I think Uncle Mike was a bit drunk by then anyhow.

If little Brian isn’t sleeping now maybe some mild tranquilizer and warm milk might do the trick. Of course, if that doesn’t work maybe he should just let the monster in his room eat his spleen. Barry Goodall says pop Deadtime Stories into the VCR only if you’re feeling a bit too chipper and think there might be a bit of goodness left in humanity. It’s the equivalent of cinematic prozac.

roadside attractions

  • knife to the head
  • Creepy Uncle babysitters
  • Bucket-o-eyes
  • witch-heart face huggers
  • neck stabbin’
  • wood shackin’ up
  • extreme matress inflation
  • chest punch with heart removal
  • werewolf junkies
  • telekinetic taxidermy
totals

7

blood

BLOOD

Gallons of  werid witch goo, neck slashin’s, taxidermied boyfriends.

6

blood

BREASTS

gratutious shower scene and love making in the tool shed.

4

beast

BEASTS

werewolves, witches and escaped psychos…throw in a creepy uncle.

2.9 OVERALL
dripper

Deadtime Stories: Tales of Death…so nice they named it twice.

Check out the trailer for “Deadtime Stories”

trailers

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Apr

Hi, I’m Mary O’Reilly O’Toole O’Shea…April fool’s! It’s Donna Bleed! I’ve never been too good at pranks, never have needed to be. After all, there are many ways of being clever! Our flick for tonight, in case you hadn’t guessed is April Fool’s Day!

Muffy St. John has invited her closest friends to her island mansion for a weekend getaway on Spring Break. We get introduced to Nikki right off the bat, she’s the sassy, sexy one; then Chaz, the cute artistic womanizer; Arch, the hunky jock who’ll sleep with anything that has a pulse; Kit, the good girl; Nan, the nerdy prude; Hal, the gold-digger; Rob, the sensitive guy; and Skip, Muffy’s distant cousin.

Skip and Arch are playing mumbledy-peg when it all goes wrong. Don’t throw knives, kids! Rob and Buck dive in to the rescue, but oh! It turns out to be a prank! Skip and Arch cooked up a fake knife and a blood bag without anyone noticing! Buck the deckhand decides to stay in the water to tie the ferry to the dock, but Captain Cal drives it right into him, and Buck’s face meets the propeller. A lot of screaming and blood, but luckily, Sherriff Sam is right there on the scene, whisking Cal and Buck off to the hospital, and making sure the yuppies know to stay put on the island. (The island that has no way off of it, aside from the ferry that now has no captain, but we’ll overlook that)

Basically, what we have here is the flower of over-privileged 80’s college students out to take over the world, and who have no idea what they want to do with their lives, trapped in a mansion that’s been rigged to annoy and upset them. They have special party favors hidden in their rooms and the one in Nan’s sends her into a pure-d tizzy; a tape of a crying baby hidden in her closet, hinting at some dark past.  Nikki has a drawer full of S&M gear, and everyone else is confused and mildly put out by theirs. Arch goes on a great nookie hunt, and stumbles in on Chaz and Nikki in a position that the doctor from Human Centipede would be proud of. I’ve never seen anyone make the sign of the triple-gilled anteater like that before or since.

Then things take a turn; Skip meets with misfortune in the boathouse during the night. Muffy has made a vicious personality change, and nobody much seems to care that Skip is missing until Rob and Kat attempt to make the sign of the electrocuted mud weasel and his dead body floats past. Then in classic style, they all split up.

I have to admit, this movie isn’t much on thrilling action so much as it is all about the psychological. Red herrings abound as they blame the ferry captain and Buck for the mayhem. People are getting picked off one by one; the water goes out and Nikki ends up in the well with Nan’s body and the decapitated heads of Skip and Arch. Then Hal, Chaz, and Nikki eat it in imaginary ways; we even have a pruning of the wangdoodle.

Soon, none but Rob, Kit, and Muffy are left. We get thrilling chases, during which there are pictures found of Muffy and…Buffy? Who’s Buffy? Oh, only Muffy’s psycho twin sister, who has decided that she and all her friends all have to go…permanently. It all ends with Rob locked in the pantry, and a showdown between Kit and Buffy, and in her final moments Kit stumbles into the den where she finds…

Everyone. They’re all alive and well, and laughing it up. Rob is released from the pantry by Buck, who is scaring him half crazy, when he takes off the prosthetic makeup and slaps it on Rob’s face and gives him a big ol’ smacker before chasing him to the Den. Everyone yells “April Fool’s,” and Muffy lets the cat out of the bag. There is no Buffy, but her twin is Skip. She’s going to lose her inheritance unless she can

maintain the upkeep on the mansion, so she’s decided to turn the mansion into a murder mystery house, and her friends are the guinea pigs. Aww, what a wholesome activity.

There’s one final prank, but I’ll let you see it for yourselves.

Roadside Totals:2 breasts, no dead bodies, no quarts blood, 3 quarts fake blood, 3 mannequin heads,  1 simulated wangdoodle removal, prank-fu, feathered hair-fu, exploding cigars, jack-in-the-box scares.

I think it’s what inspired M. Knight to make every movie have a twist.

Mar

posted by Tiger Sixon | March 28, 2011 | 80's movies, Action, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Review by Tiger Sixon, Sci-Fi

Zone Trooper

Zone Troopers hits close to home for me. I can certainly relate to one of the major plot points—coming across a crashed alien spaceship. Although in my version of the story, I [CLASSIFIED] and [CLASSIFIED] with [CLASSIFIED] in Tijuana.

Part of me thinks this is the film that Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull wanted to be—or at least, should have been: a squad of Allied troops come across an alien ship while fighting Nazis in Italy during World War II (as opposed to the War of 1812). This film was definitely more enjoyable than Indy 4, but then so was pulling radio transmitters out of my molars.

Zone TrooperIf the Allies and the Nazis didn’t clue you into the fact this film takes place in the 1940s, than the use of the song In the Mood certainly will. It is to the 1940s what Material Girl or Take On Me is to the 1980s.

A squad of lovable Allies soldiers (Sarge, Joey, Mittens, and Dolan) find themselves behind Nazi lines (where it is “raining,” despite the sunny fields in the background). Proof this film was destined for greatness: the nigh-invulnerable Sarge was played by Tim Thomerson, known for his role as Jack Deth in the Trancers series, and Joey was played by Tim Van Patten, star of the Master Ninja episodes of Mystery Science Theater 3000. He also played the wicked teen Peter Stegman in 1982’s Class of 1984.

Zone TrooperAfter a big shoot out with the Nazis, the army boys are lost, and their compasses are acting goofier than Aunt Helga at a biergarten. What’s the cause? Nazi magic? Hardly. Aliens! While working their way through the Italian forest, we’re treated to the point of view of said alien—watching the team from the trees, with red-tinted vision and garbled sounds. This same gag was used three years later in Predator, proof that Zone Troopers was ahead of its time.

The gang takes refuge in a barn for the night—and Joey breaks a B-Movie Survival Tip: he goes for a walk on his own, at night. Many a cheerleader or recently deflowered geeky teenager have met their end this way. Joey comes across the remains of a giant, leathery egg—and a real live alien.

The alien is garbed in a leisure suit and its face looks like a fly and a wombat had a kid. How that would actually work, I don’t know. But then, anything is possible with a case of the Beast and Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game on repeat. Joey runs back into the barn, and thinking he is suffering from shell shock, promptly burns his science fiction comic book. For shame!

The next day, Mittens and Dolan come across a Nazi camp, and a tent filled with photos of a crashed alien ship, which is better than photos of a crashed Eleanor Roosevelt, I guess. Meanwhile, Sarge and Joey find the spaceship in question. Joey is all about the usual “boldly going” jive, but the Sarge has his own idea—blow it up.

Just like my grandma’s prom, Nazis spoil the party. Mittens and Dolan are captured, while the Sarge and Joey escape—but not before blowing the Nazis in the spaceship sky high.

Zone TrooperMittens and Dolan are interrogated by the SS, and even get a visit from Mr. Hitler himself. Dazed and confused, Mittens pops Hitler in the nose, and hilarity ensues—and by hilarity, I mean Mittens and Dolan are locked up in the dog kennels—along with the alien.

Joey, in disguise, comes to the rescue, but not before a beefy Nazi officer disapproves of his five o’clock shadow and muddy shoes. After a daring escape, the team, with the alien in tow, seeks cover in, of all things, an abandoned crypt. Because nothing bad would happen in a crypt, right?

In the crypt, the soldiers pal it up with the alien—who has a taste for cigarettes. And I don’t mean smoking—I mean eating. Thankful for the smokes, the alien shares a gadget that generates a hard-light hologram of a babe—which, just like my last marriage, lasts all of a minute. The final showdown is chuck full of more aliens, ray guns, vaporized Nazis, and disappearing tanks. It makes for amusing visuals, just like eating last December’s meatloaf.

Ol’ Tiger says while it may rank low on the Lost Highway Totals, give this one a watch—Zone Troopers is full of campy fun. Anything with ray guns has my vote.


Tiger Sixon is forced to watch B-movies from the comfort of a secret government base in Death Valley. He looks nothing at all like Daniel J. Hogan (@danieljhogan) who draws the comic Clattertron.

roadside attractions

  • knife to the head
  • Pre-Predator alien vision
  • 1 un-killable Sarge
  • Cigarette eating
  • Hitler punching
  • Exploding spaceships
  • Beefy Nazi officers
  • Loud Nazis
  • 1 bug-eyed alien
  • Solider allegories
  • 1 holo-babe
  • Ray guns
  • Vaporized Nazis
  • Disappearing tanks
  • Comic book burning
totals

5

blood

BLOOD

While there is a bunch of killing in this flick, we don’t see much blood—especially when Nazis start getting vaporized with ray guns.

2

blood

BREASTS

the holo-babe is cute, but sadly her breasts are covered the whole time. You can pretend the alien’s bug-eyes are a nice pair of C-cups, but if you do I will not accept your Facebook friend request.

7

beast

BEASTS

yes there is an alien, but it is a friendly. Still, our bug-eyed friend still dishes out plenty of havoc via its collection of ray guns and other gadgets. But, you have an army of Nazis to pick up the beastly slack.

5.0 OVERALL
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Check out the trailer for “Zone Troopers”

trailers

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About the Highway

Lost Highway is your satirical detour down the twisted back roads of b-movies and cult films reviews. learn more >>