Mar

My name is Cory A. Jones, and I’m writing this guest review for “Near Dark”. I’m a writer for metal-temple.com where I review Heavy Metal albums. I’m also a filmmaker of almost a decade. You can check out my comedy web-series “Carl’s House” on youtube, and you can send me a line at acidunlimited@gmail.com if want to leave any feedback.

Y’know what cheeses me off? As if the “Twilight” saga hadn’t sissified the vampire genre enough; the new DVD cover of “Near Dark” makes it look like some cheap knockoff of America’s favorite Vampire chick-flick. What better way to completely sell short one of the last decent Vampire flicks from the ‘80’s.

Near Dark has 2 things in common with Twilight; There’s Vampires, and there’s a love story. That’s it. Beyond that, there’s no comparison. Twilight has stupid pansy vampires, and stupid pansy werewolves who can go out in daylight and play stupid pansy vampire softball. Or Whatever. But let me ask you this question: If Twilight is so great; does it have Bill Paxton running around slashing throats with his boot-spurs? No? Well then it deserves less of my attention than a pimple on a giraffe’s scrotum.

So this story revolves around Caleb (Adrian Pasdar), a wannabe cowboy who tries to get some nookie from Mae (Jenny Wright) and ends up being turned into a vampire. He tries to run home after his car breaks down and ends up being kidnapped by Mae’s vampire kin. The group wants to kill Caleb, but decides to try and make him “One of us” after they realize that he’s turned undead.

Eventually Caleb helps them escape a run-in with the law and becomes their new member, and they set about wreaking havoc until they end up kidnapping Caleb’s little sister which forces him to choose his real family or his vampire crew. Notable performances include 3 (!) members of the ALIENS cast; Lance Henrikson as Jessie the vampire leader, Jeannette Goldstein as Jessie’s busty vampire girlfriend, and Bill Paxton as Severen the vampire family’s resident nutcase.

There are all kind of things that make this movie watchable, but not many that make it memorable (aside from anything Bill Paxton does in the movie). The movie is Directed by Kathryn Bigelow who would end up marrying James Cameron and making movies like the stylish Y2K conspiracy movie “Strange Days” and most recently  “The Hurt Locker” which got her one of those snazzy Oscar awards. The James Cameron connection is obvious in this movie because of the cast, and because of familiar lighting style of Cinematographer Adam Greenberg who was also the DP on the “Terminator” movies.

It was a pretty enjoyable vampire flick that should be seen by anybody needing an introduction to what REAL vampire movies are all about. Just be sure to show that person Leif Jonker’s DARKNESS (1993) first because that is a much better example. The Vampire meltdown is that flick outdoes this one by lightyears.

Roadside attractions

  • 3 cases of Vampire Barbecue
  • Shotgun Fu
  • Boot Spur Fu
  • Jeannette Goldstein Cleavage
  • 1 cigarette smoking, pistol brandishing, Child abducting 12 year old
  • 1 Bar brawl
  • Bill Paxton roadkill
  • two motor vehicle chases with crash n’ burn
  • 7.5 out of 10

    Check out the trailer for “Near Dark”

    trailers

    dripper
    Mar

    posted by Doktor | March 11, 2012 | 70's movies, Action, B-movie Reviews, Kung-fu, Review by Doktor

    Tagline: Jim Kelly is back and tougher than ever!

    Year: 1978      Runtime: 88 min

    Director: Tso Nam Lee

    Writer: Hsin Yi Chang (screenplay), Pai Sheng Lu (screenplay)

    Starring: Jim Kelly, Sing Chen and Tao-liang Tan

    How do you say “beat down” in Cantonese?

    “Black Belt Jones!!”

    Normally the extra exclamation point is superfluous, but this is Jim “Stomp a Mud Hole in You” Kelly. Not being gratuitous is criminal.

    One might ask, “When would you need this phrase?” Because in Black Belt Jones 2: The Tattoo Connection some Hong Kong gangsters have stolen the North Pole Star diamond. Black Belt Jones’ twin fists, Punch & Punch, are on a mission to connect with some faces.

    Now, Black Belt Jones would normally care less about such mess, but this time it’s personal. Oh, no, wait a minute. It’s not. He just happens to work for the insurance company that’s covering the diamond. Still, someone’s got to pay. His ire was raised by the chairman of the board’s impassioned plea:

    CotB: “Mr. Lucas [i.e. Black Belt Jones], the board of directors have given their approval for you to take any action necessary for the recovery of the North Pole Star.”

    BBJ: “I’ve been known to be called the black 6 million dollar man.”

    What kind of response is that? One of a man so enraged that he can’t even make no sense. Without delay he’s on his way.

    Side Note: Even though he speaks English, Black Belt Jones delivers his lines like the English dubbing. “I’ve been… known to be called… the black $6 million man.” The filmmakers didn’t want his dialogue to stand out  too much from the rest of the acting.

    Because this film takes place in Hong Kong, one of the “not America” countries you hear about on the PBS,  you expect things to be  a little different, but these people are way out there. For instance, take Black Belt Jones’ first outing with his friend on the police force; they visit a local whore house. Good a place as any to start the search, as prostitution is run by gangsters and gangsters are who he’s looking for. Thing is, the Madam knows the cop by name, and the particular girl he fancies.

    Whoa! Say what?!

    Better still, Black Belt Jones orders up some women. He may be ready to kick ass, but there’s no need to rush.

    A film can’t be blaxploitation without some racialistic hatred. It’s not just the white man that slings the Uncle Tom discrimination. Take this exchange, between Nana, the strip club’s hottest act and Black Belt Jones:

    BBJ: “That’s one thing I really admire about you, Nana, your oriental nature. Shall we make friends?”

    Nana: “Let me tell you, I don’t want to because I don’t know you, and because you are black.”

    Damn, oriental cracker! We’re all pink and juicy on the inside.

    But where Nana might not be racially sensitive, she is a brilliant logician. When she is trying to get her boyfriend, Tin-hao, the boss’s right-hand man, out of the gang, she argues, “What’s the difference between a beggar and a robber? One gets his money illegally, one does not.”

    Valid. Sound. A perfect argument. Advantage, and point, Nana.

    Speaking of the boss, Mr. Lu, he’s not a very nice man. The big boss usually isn’t. One evening his manly needs require attention, and he chooses Nana. Problem is, she’s Tin-hao’s girl. Even though she’s turned away his advances before, this time no means yes.

    So, she starts crying and… there’s tender music playing. Huh?! I was completely confused. Then, as Mr. Lu connects, there are sounds of race cars racing and flashes of a still picture of the Marlboro F-1 car. Huh!? I know that cigarettes are bad for you, deadly even, and racing is dangerous, but I don’t think either ever raped anyone? Although, truth be told, when I sat on the Marlboro Man’s lap one Xmas, he did rest his hand on my thigh for an uncomfortable amount of time, but that’s something totally different.

    Tin-hao hands out relentless beatings worse than those received by a 16 year old’s wee-wee. Yet, he’s got a soft heart. After his girlfriend is raped, his heart starts to harden, particularly towards Mr. Lu. This sets up the final boss fight scene, Mr. Lu vs Tin-hao and Black Belt Jones. I’ll not spoil the explosive ending, but I will say that Tin-hao promises that when he’s out of jail, in a year and a half (life is very cheap in Hong Kong), he’s going to the States to hang with his new best friend, Black Belt Jones.

    In closing I’d be remiss if I failed to give you one bit of warning: there is so much polyester my nipples got sympathy chafing just watching it. Before you fire up this movie, slather on a dollop of Vaseline, runner’s nipples is no joke.

    roadside attractions

    • Pastel Credits to Stroke Out To
    • Bolo Yeung Crooning
    • The World Standard for AWE-some Fro
    • Kung Fu
    • Groin Hit Combo Breaker
    totals

    8

    blood

    BLOOD

    They went light on the Louisiana Hot Sauce Blurd™, but there was plenty of internal hemmoraging from the beat downs.

    7

    blood

    BREASTS

    At least three different scenes with bare breasts to carry the film through the non-fighting parts.

    10

    beast

    BEASTS

    Bolo Yeung, ’nuff said!

    8.3 OVERALL
    dripper

    Check out the trailer for “Black Belt Jones 2: The Tattoo Connection”

    trailers

    dripper
    Mar

    posted by Doktor | March 4, 2012 | Interviews, Review by Doktor

    Lloyd Kaufman is the epitome of the American Dream.

    Most people, Mr. Kaufman included, would scoff at such an assertion, but I have sound reason to say this is so. Here is a man who has spend 40 years doing what he loves, exactly the way he wants, and against all odds. He’s not rich, nor a super-star, but he has provided for his family and is known the world over. That is why Lloyd Kaufman is one of my heroes.

    I can only hope to be as successful one day.

    Recently I was lucky enough to run into him at a Troma double feature at the Alamo Drafthouse Mason Park in Houston, TX. He was on tour promoting Father’s Day and Mr. Bricks: A Heavy Metal Murder Musical, two new Troma releases.

    LH: Can you talk a little bit about these two films, Father’s Day & Mr. Bricks? What roles do you play?

    LK: Well, I don’t think I played a roll. I played more of a bagel.

    Father’s Day was directed by Astron-6. Astron-6 has the syllable “ass” at the beginning of their name, and therefore I am very attracted to them. Michael Herz and I produced it. I was involved in writing the script, but all the suggestions I made were ignored by the filmmakers. They are very smart. They are the Troma of the future.

    Mr. Bricks, Michael Herz and I executive produced it. It is directed by Travis Campbell, who works for Troma. He’s edited a lot of Troma content. Mr. Bricks is a very dark musical. I’m very partial to musicals. Being a gay married man, I’ve wept through many a Judy Garland and Barbara Streisand musical. Mr Bricks is a bit aberrant in that it is romantic, very dark, very serious, and rather arty. Whereas Father’s Day is more in the true Troma tradition mixing the genres with humor, gore, political statement, [bleep]-disturbing social commentary and more of what the Troma fans will expect. Mr. Bricks, in my opinion, is a beautiful, beautiful film, a bit different from the usual Troma aroma. It is not funny. It is a serious work of art.

    [Troma Trivia. Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead, has singing and dancing in it along with the chicken Indian zombies.]

    LH: What got you interested in making films?

    LK: I made the mistake of going to a little college called Yale. In the 60’s I was going to be a social worker or a teacher. I was going to change the world, make the world a better place; I was going to teach people with hooks for hands how to finger paint, teach bums how to paint happy faces on beads and string the beads together.

    My freshman year at Yale, God totally [bleep]ed my life by putting me in a room with a movie nut. It was a very small bedroom. Our beds were head to toe. At night I would inhale his stinkin’ feet and the aroma du Troma was born.

    My roommate was the head of the Yale film society. I started drifting into movies he would present. Slowly but surely I caught the virus. The movie virus. I decided to make movies. Boy was that stupid. Why couldn’t I have been George Bush? He was in my class. I could have been president. George Bush could have been making crappy movies.

    LH: About making movies, on IMDb you have many different job titles. Which job, or jobs, do you enjoy the most?

    LK: Well, filmmaking is what I like doing. I like the whole process of filmmaking. The fact that it involves music and pictures and writing and teamwork and promoting and [bleep]-disturbing. I like all of that stuff. I think the whole process of filmmaking. If I had the opportunity to work for a great film director today I’d carry coffee for her. I’m a film nut. I love everything about films. It doesn’t have to be film anymore, it can be digital.

    Even though I don’t know how to do anything digitally. Digital has become very beautiful. The technique of making film digitally has come up so much that I’m going to direct a movie this summer I will use a digital camera for the first time.

    Father’s Day and Mr. Bricks are shot on digital. I was only involved in the producing side.

    LH: As a distributor, how do you acquire films? Do you actively solicit films? Do filmmakers come to you?

    LK: Father’s Day came to us. I was on the set of the remake of Mother’s Day, my brother and I have a small cameo in the movie, and we met these crazy young guys, Astron-6. They had made some short films; We fell in love with them. They are brilliant. And they love Troma. They convinced us they had an idea for a movie called Father’s Day. I thought, “What the hell. Let’s go for it.” They wrote a first draft. I gave them notes. They wrote a second draft… In total they wrote about eight different drafts. We pretty much turned them loose. It’s totally their movie. All Michael Herz and I did was serve as their producers. Now we’re distributing.

    Mr. Bricks, the guy works for us. Travis Campbell is an editor at Troma. This was all his movie. We played a small part in it. We gave him a little money and that’s it. This is really the Troma of the future.

    [Troma Trivia. Mother’s Day has been remade by Bret Ratner, who brought you Tower Heights. He’s a big, big, big Hollywood guy. His company remade Mother’s Day which is a Troma movie directed by Lloyd’s brother Charles Kaufman. Also, it’s Eli Roth’s favorite horror film.]

    LH: If you do accept films that are not finished, how much of a role do you play in getting them to completion?

    LK: When we produce a movie I am a proponent of the auteur theory of film, which is the director’s event. The director should have total freedom. The director should have total control. Astron-6 had total control over their movie. I did not interfere. Even though I tried, when push came to shove, I agreed with them. There were a couple of serious disputes but I always deferred to the artist.

    Mr. Bricks was totally Travis Campbell’s baby. All we did was give him some money. That’s it.

    LH: Speaking of unfinished films, how is The Toxic Avenger 5: The Toxic Twins coming along?

    LK: I’m getting there. This summer I will direct something. It will either be The Toxic Avenger Part 5: The Toxic Twins or it will be a remake, and this is hot news, you have this ahead of Variety or Hollywood Reporter or whatever that piece-of-[bleep] deadline.com site is,  we’re very close to signing a deal where I will direct a remake of Class of Nuke ‘Em High. A very low budget remake.

    There’s a company called Starz that seems to be very interested. We seem to be very close to signing a contract. They will give me complete freedom. It will be one of those two this summer.

    [That’s right! Lost Highway’s first exclusive, straight from Mr. Kaufman’s mouth. An interview with my hero and and exclusive! I almost fainted.]

    LH: Did you write the script for Toxic Avenger 5?

    LK: I’ve worked with about eight different writers. I haven’t been able to find the magic yet. I haven’t been able to find the James Gunn who saved my ass on Tromeo and Juliet. But we’re getting there. I still haven’t quite figured out the trajectory of the Toxic Twins yet.

    Since nobody goes to our movies and we’re economically blacklisted what’s the purpose of making a movie if I’m not in love with it? It’s not worth it. Until I have something I really, really, really love I prefer to produce other people’s movies. I prefer to wait until we’ve developed a script that I can really get behind. Make something I really believe in. Like Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead. That took three years to write. It’s my best film, yet it’s a total economic failure. Not because it’s a bad movie, it’s a great film. We’re economically blacklisted.

    LH: Blacklisted?

    LK: Cannibal the Musical, by Trey Parker and Matt Stone, sold hundreds of thousands of video cassettes and DVD’s but has never been on American TV. These are the South Park guys. These are the The Book of Mormon guys. Because it’s a Troma movie, it’s blacklisted. Citizen Toxie has sold more DVD’s than Cannibal the Musical and yet has never been on any form of American television.

    That’s the problem. We can’t make any kind of money. So, going back to your question about the script, there’s no reason for me to direct a movie, going through the pain of sleeping on the floors and eating cheese sandwiches three times a day and learning how to defecate in a paper bag. It’s not worth going through all of that if I’m not going to love what I’m doing.

    LH: I saw that there is a Toxic Avenger musical opening soon at the Alley Theatre in Houston, TX. Is this a simply a musical version of the first movie, or do we learn something new about Toxie? How did that come about? Did you write any of the music for it?

    LK: It opened last night. I was there. Standing ovation. Eight hundred people in the Alley Theatre. Packed house. Standing ovation. People loved it. It had nothing to do with me, of course. I just created the Toxic Avenger.

    David Brian, one of the founders of Bon Jovi, the keyboard player, wrote all the music. Joe DiPietro wrote the play. Very much based on my Toxic Avenger.

    The audience was half Troma fans, with tattoos and piercings, and half little old ladies. They all loved it. It was great. It played off Broadway for a year. It won every award.

    It’s very political. It’s got an environmental message. It’s about the underdog. It’s the spirit of Troma, but mainstream. Wonderful voices; Wonderful talent. Constantine Maroulis, who is an American Idol contestant, is the star. Mara Davi, who plays Sarah, has a set of pipes you wouldn’t believe. It’s a very ingenious show. It ran two years off Broadway. Now they’re putting a lot of money into it. Originally it didn’t have an intermission. Now they’ve added some songs, it’s got two acts, and they’re gonna bring it to Broadway.

    You know, Trey and Matt, who made Cannibal the Musical for Troma, they have the biggest hit on Broadway, The Book of Mormon. I think Toxie is going to be the next one.

    It’s pretty amazing; Troma, an underground movie company, that’s totally underground and totally blacklisted, is responsible for remakes, Broadway shows, everything but giving me any money. God damn it!

    LH: Remakes are all the rage in Hollywood these days. You mentioned Mother’s Day was remade and a possible Class of Nuke ‘Em High. Are there other Troma films being remade?

    LK: We’ve already had two offers to remake Poultrygeist. It’s a movie that made no money, yet two big companies in LA that want to remake it. They haven’t offered us any decent money.

    They’re remaking Toxie for 100 million bucks. We signed a deal with Akiva Goldsman, Academy award winning writer and producer of A Beautiful Mind. He is writing some big checks to us. Stephen Pink, who directed Hot Tub Time Machine, is writing and directing the remake of Toxie. It’s gonna be a big major, major, major movie.

    Twenty-five years from now they’ll remake Father’s Day. I’ll be dead. Yay! I can’t wait.

    LH: As a filmmaker and a proponent of truly independent cinema, what is the most important maxim that you follow? Has this changed over the years? How so?

    LK: I think the most important maxim is “To thine own self be true.” A phrase coined by William Shakespeare, who wrote the best selling book, 101 Money Making Screen Play Ideas, otherwise known as Hamlet. I think that that is the best advice for anybody pursuing an art form.

    LH: What’s has been your proudest accomplishment in your film career? Your biggest disappointment?

    LK: My only regret is when I compromised. I compromised on Toxie 2 and Toxie 3 and Sgt. Kabuki Man. It didn’t make the movies any better, nor did it make them any more commercial.

    My proudest accomplishment is that I’ve had the same business partner, Michael Herz, for forty years. Almost forty years. I’ve had the same wife for almost forty years. Not the same wife as Michael Herz, but I’ve had the same wife. He’s had—his own—same wife for over forty years. That’s what I’m proud of. We have kept our noses clean, we’ve made movies that have very good word-of-mouth that people 25, 35, 40 years later still enjoy and we have been honest, decent people. That’s what life is all about.

    LH: What is Lloyd Kaufman’s pie-in-the-sky dream?

    LK: To throw off these mortal coils and end it all; to get the [bleep] out of this world. I’ve had enough. That would be one of the dreams.

    I guess, in terms of a project, I would love to make the musical, Pal Joey, very dark, based on a John O’Hara short story, it’s got wonderful music by Rodgers and Hart. There’s never any way I would get to direct it. It would be very expensive. You would have to have stars.

    Well, I don’t know. You might not need stars, but I’m sure the estate of Rodgers and Hart are not going to give Lloyd Kaufman rights to remake that movie. There was a movie of Pal Joey with Frank Sinatra, directed by George Marshall, maybe, one of them crappy musical directors back in the 50’s. It was not very good. That would be my pie-in-the-sky dream.

    Feb

    posted by Barry Goodall | February 26, 2012 | 80's b-movies, 80's movies, B-movies, Horror movies, Rest stop, Review by Barry Goodall

    “The Serpent and the Rainbow” finally gets down to the root of this whole darn zombie craze as Bill Pullman gets buried alive in Haiti and does his best impression of a walking dead guy. Think of it as “Dawn of the Dead” with a reggae band. Bill plays Dennis Alan, a Harvard anthropologist who gets sent down to Haiti to try to find a secret voodoo powder that makes your  body go all limp and you appear completely dead to everyone else only to wake up hours later. Like daytime soaps without the weight gain. He just got done wrestlin’ with a jagaur in the congo and a big pharmaceutical company wants him to find the powder  so they can make the ultimate anesthesia… or possibly start the zombie apocalypse, which ever is more profitable.

    Dennis meets local Hatian hottie Dr. Marielle (Cathy Tyons) who introduces him to an island witch doctor that supposedly makes the zombie drug and runs all the government sanctioned cock fights. After making the sign of the two-headed voodoo doll out in the woods with Dr. Marielle. Dennis returns to find out he got sold fake powder that can’t even raise a dead goat. The corrupt police chief wants to keep the secret of the powder for himself and  invites Dennis over so he can nail his testicles to a dinner chair just as warning to stop snooping around (you should see what they do to jay walkers.) Dennis really can’t take a hint and apparently has a very high pain threshold so he keeps on the hunt. Pretty soon he starts having nightmares of the police chief, flaming boats, and snakes shooting out of midget zombie brides, not the sorta stuff you’ll see on the tourism brochures.

    He awakes the next morning with a severed  head next to him in bed when the police bust in and force him on a plane back to the states, but not before he received a secret stash of the zombie powder from the witch doctor, Mozart. Back in Boston, Dennis drops off the dust at the lab to be studied then has some dinner guests over who start chomping on fine glassware and convulsing on the floor warning him that his Haitain girlfriend is going to die. Dennis books himself a ticket right on back to the island to try to find her and Mozart who unfortunately just got his head chopped off. Dennis gets drugged with the zombie powder, buried alive and quickly dug up because nobody wants to see someone throw away a perfectly good white boy. A bit wobbly on his knees, Dennis must do battle with the police chief and his voodoo power, canned souls, and a mighty aggressive dinner chair to save his girlfriend and help lead a Haitian revolution. But hey it’s Bill Pullman, this guy was the president and fought alien squids in a F-14.

    Barry Goodall says to do that voodoo that you do so well and give “The Serpent and the Rainbow” a try…or I’ll steal your soul and keep in a fruit jar right next to the canned peaches.  That’s how I keep my souls fresh.

    Roadside Attractions:

    - Zombified Bill Pullman
    - Glass munching
    - Head slicing
    - Jaguar frolicing
    - Extreme scrotum accupuncture
    - Coffin blood drowin’
    - Aggressive furniture movers
    - Haitian uprising
    - Surprise snake-in-mouth joke/pun
    - Midget zombie brides on flaming boats
    - Possessed Haitian party raves

    trailers

    dripper
    Feb

    posted by Barry Goodall | February 13, 2012 | 80's b-movies, 80's movies, B-movies, Horror movies, Review by Barry Goodall

    waxwork

    Waxed demons are trying to take over the world and steering clear of any open flames in the 80’s classic “Waxwork.” Zach Galian, after blowing up Gremlins in his microwave, plays Mark, a spoiled rich kid with a caffeine addiction. He and his dimwitted high school friends are invited to a waxwork museum run by b-movie veteran, David Warner who can pretty much play creepy in his sleep. They arrive for a midnight preview and a 7ft tall butler and his dwarf life-partner send them on a tour of “eighteen of the most evil people who ever lived”, but sadly no Larry King. On of the friends Tony, loses his lighter in one of the exhibits so he gets zapped into alternate reality where Teenwolf could be a reality hit TV show. Finding himself inside a creepy cabin he meets a Pavarotti look-alike who starts turning into a werewolf and bites him on the arm. Lycanthropes are everywhere. Luckily, a vigilante mob bust into just in time to shoot everyone with silver bullets putting an end to Tony’s nicotine addiction and Pavorotti’s singing career.

    waxworkMeanwhile, Mark’s bitchy girlfriend walks into a vampire exhibit where she’s forced to slowly eat steak tar-tar while some Twilight emmos gawk at her bad dye job. She discovers a one legged guy in their basement who just had his ankle gnawed on like a doggie chew toy. She stakes some vamp fatales and then gets her neck sucked on by the guy from the “I can’t believe it’s not butter” commercials. No big deal, no one liked her anyways. Team Edward for the win.

    Back in the real world, Mark and his new replacement girlfriend, Sarah leave the show thinking their friends ditched them and decide to head back to Mark’s mansion to look at old pictures of his grandfather in the attic. Probably the worse first date ever until they they discover the waxwork owner is in the photo which would make him about 170 years old (170 is the new 140). They consult with an old wheelchair bound Brit named Sir Wilfred, a friend of Mark’s grandfather, who explains how he and Mark’s grandpa collected trinkets from some of the most evil people in the world and sell them for big bucks on Ebay. Sir Wilfred believes the waxwork owner had sold his soul to the devil in return he’d get immortality but also has to find victims for his waxworks displays to help bring about the end of the world.This means raising the dead, filing the skies with blood, and consuming all things good in the world like pop tarts and Leann Rimes.

    Mark and Sarah try to tell the cops but the detective doesn’t believe them and ends up pharaoh bait in an Egyptian tomb getting body slammed by a mummy. Mark and Sarah return to the waxworks in an attempt to burn it down but Sarah’s ADD kicks in as she’s mesmerized by the French Marquies de Sade exhibit. Sadly not Circus De Soleil…fewer clowns more whipping.

    waxworkShe gets sucked in while Mark gets pushed into the Night of the Living Dead to fight off hordes of flesh hungry zombies. After getting a hand, Mark escapes and rescues Sarah whose been getting her jollies from 50 lashings by the hand of a ren-fest pirate. Mark convinces her that she’s been brainwashed by the waxwork and if she believes that it’s not real then she can’t be harmed. Seems like she’s disappointed by that fact.

    They step through a dimensional portal just in time to see the rest of the waxworks come to life and do battle with Sir Wilfred’s armored wheelchair brigade and his small army of senior citizens. High on Metamucil, they battle with swords and pitchforks against the legion of demonic wax figures trying to keep any of them from escaping and polluting the rest of the world.

    Barry Goodall says go check out “waxwork” and bring some candles but leave your butler dwarf at home if you don’t have the room. Unless you have a motorcycle sidecar…those work perfect for dwarf butlers.

    roadside attractions

    • Severed hand
    • Bat shooting
    • French whippin’
    • Cheek gougin’
    • Ankle chewin’
    • Head smash with twist and pull
    • Neck chompin’
    • Extra raw steak tar tar
    • Werewolf, vampires, zombies, and mummies
    • Torso rippin’
    • Wheelchair drive-by
    • 50 gallons of hot wax
    totals

    8

    blood

    BLOOD

    Bodies get ripped in two and a guy gets his leg chewed down to the bone, bloody stabbings, and rare steak tar tar.

    0

    blood

    BREASTS

    You’d think a french S&M exhibit would get more melons but you’d be wrong. Not even waxed fruit. I thought the French preferred not to wear clothes. Maybe that was bathing.

    10

    beast

    BEASTS

    *deep breath* mummies, werewolves, vampires, zombies, severed hands and butler dwarfs. the Phantom of the Opera, Frankenstein’s monster, Jack the Ripper, the Invisible Man, a voodoo priest, a witch, a snakeman, pods from Invansion of the Body Snatchers, a mutant baby, an axe murderer, a multi-eyed alien, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. New Highway record for most beasts in one film!

    8.9 OVERALL
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    Check out the trailer for “Waxwork”

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