Dec

The Highway Mutants after drinking a lot of expired egg nog came up with this list of b-movies to watch this holiday season. Here’s their 12 B’s of Christmas.

from Donna Bleed.
On the 1st day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a cop in a wife beater shirt

Die Hard
“Explosions, gunfights, Bruce Willis screaming like a wookie, foul language that upsets grandma, and of course, Christmas in Hollis being blasted in a limousine. What more could you ask for?”

On the 2nd day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 2 creeper phone calls.

Black Christmas
“I know, cliche, but this is one of the best psycho-in-the-house movies ever made. Drink more wine, Margot, it’ll be alright!”

On the 3rd day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 3 annoying rich kids.

Home Alone
“Shut up. It’s funny, alright? DON’T JUDGE ME!”

On the 4th day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 4 groping Santas.

Christmas Evil
“It’s no Silent Night, Deadly Night; but it’s all about who’s naughty and nice, and knowing that it really doesn’t matter, everybody’s gonna get snuffed!”

from Andrew Peters

On the 5th day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 5 catholic school nuns.

Silent Night, Deadly Night
“I remember renting these movies in the big box as a kid, so these always strike me as my holiday movies as opposed to Charlie Brown’s Christmas Special or A Christmas Story. SNDN is about a boy whose parents are murdered and he’s raised in an orphanage, abused and confused. He grows up and plays Santa at a local toy store he works for. This sets him off on a killing rampage with eerie music and great gore effects (although most of these are only seen in the uncut version).”

On the 6th day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 6 wrestling has-beens.

Santa With Muscles
“This is one of those movies where my parents took me to the video store around the holidays and told me to pick out a movie. Like the foolish child I was, I immediately spied one with Hulk Hogan wearing a Santa hat and thought, “Oh wow! This one has Hulk Hogan! This is sure to be a treat!” But I would find out that this treat is made from dog crap and pig vomit. This movie is the equivalent of my older brother tricking me into something I didn’t want to do. Lousy acting and a plot that involves Hogan playing an obnoxious fitness guru who gets amnesia and thinks he’s Santa. It’s sappy and horrible, but it’s worth a laugh.”

On the 7th day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 7 killer snowmen.

Jack Frost
“A murder becomes a vengeful snowman. Frosty goes Jeffery Dahmers.”

On the 8th day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 8 impromptu c-sections.

Inside
“The French are crazy. First High Tension and now this. A woman waiting to give birth on Christmas Eve is trapped in her home, when a stranger arrives and wants to carve the baby out of her stomach. Now, there is a reason behind all of this and it’s quite a gory experience. As with and dubbed movie, the dubbing is atrocious, but everything else is entertaining and frightening. Easily one of my favourite holiday movies.”

from Tiger Sixon

On the 9th day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 9 fury Magwais


Gremlins
“A great cautionary tale ‘bout exercising good judgment when pickin’ out a gift for yer little one.”

On the 10th day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 6 80’s flashbacks.


Scrooged
“A very ‘80s retelling of the oft-remade A Christmas Carol, featuring the scroogiest Scrooge of them all, Bill Murray.”

On the 11th day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 11 Vern shout outs

Ernest Saves Christmas (1988)
” The lovable and goofy Ernest does his best to save the holiday. Ernest even sings”

On the 12th day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 12 shots for rabies

Batman Returns
Even the Batman celebrates Christmas. Instead of leaving lumps of coal, he just leaves lumps on someone’s head.

Dec

posted by Barry Goodall | December 15, 2011 | B-movies, Feature, Shopping

Christmas time is here and so is the holiday shopping season. What can you get the little mutants in your life who already have everything? Well nothing, they’re lucky to even have a roof over there heads. However if they’re ever stuck in a b-movie, we have a list of must have items for their survival. Check out the list below for practical gifts to help make this the Swaziest Christmas ever.


Satellite enhanced Rescue Device

People always bring their cell phones on a camping trip but rarely in a b-movie do they ever get a signal. We suggest the ACR Satellite 3 406 Cat II EPIRB with satellite uplink so you can be rescued or at least the authorities can easily find your body. Double the technology, double your chances of survival.


Meat Cutting Kit
Need to dismember any cabin friends who have been turned into demonic drooling monsters? This custom meat cutting kit will help get rid of even the tiniest parts for quick easy burial or fridge storage. Garbage bags and a police alibi not included.


Woman Running Shoes
Ladies, it’s time to ditch those high heels on those camping trips. No more tripping and falling while being chased by a masked psycho.These quality running shoes not only look great, but will help you burn calories while avoiding that machete.


Air Cleaner
Sure, you’ve been summoning demons from the underworld all day, but you’ve got dinner guests coming over at 5 and your house smells like the devil’s armpit. We suggest this heavy duty air cleaner to help. It won’t get rid of the evil, but it will just smell like it did.


Anti-Zombie Survival Kit
As seen on the hit TV show “The Walking Dead.” It’s every blade you’ll ever need against a zombie horde. It’s like a smorgasbord of zombie slaying. Just don’t take too long to decide with blade to use or you could end up zombie chow.


No-Flat Tire Kit
Tired of getting a flat tire in front of old creepy mansions and then having to knock on their door for help ending up a lab experiment in their basement? This tire kit that will seal up your tire tighter than a swamp creature’s sphincter muscle. Also good for helping seal walls that are maybe leaking… or bleeding.


Cross Bow
This high-tech cross bow is great against vampire with optional sharpened wooden arrows (not included). Evil beware when the renaissance festival lets out and everyone grabs one of these babies on sale. Now this is a stake well done.


Super Soaker – Filled with Holy Water
Good for purging demons and vampires or just annoying your neighbors dogs. Add garlic spice sauce for extra colorful exploding undead. It’s like a holywater carwash.


Hockey Equipment
In the post apocalyptic world, gas will be in short supply, cities will be decimated…and there won’t be any place to buy a good pair of cargo pants. Luckily there will be plenty of hockey equipment lying around since there’s no more ice rinks. It might not look good but could be a great defense against a outlander psycho whose been drinkin’ washer fluid and wants to use your skull as a flip top trash can.


Hovercraft
Need to get away in a hurry? Why not hop in your personal hovercraft. Flee from that evil haunted swamp, fly over that flooded bridge and get home just in time to watch “Dancing with the Stars.” It even has two seats so pick the friend you like most and say adios to the rest of the zombie bait.


Stud Detector
Help find secret passages in the walls of that creepy mansion you just bought dirt cheap on Craig’s List. Watch out for hidden dead bodies and gateways to hell.


Latin Translation Book
Don’t you hate it when you discover an ancient book bound in human flesh but can’t read it’s ancient Latin writing? Well now you can translate it and raise demons until the cows come home. Also great for reading warnings scrawled in blood on cave walls. Look for the iphone app for demonic resurrection on the go.


Chuck Norris Book
Yeah, we thought it was an oxymoron as well seeing Chuck Norris and the word “book” together, but now you can learn how to dodge bullets, or shoot in the general direction the bad guys and hit them all. There’s an extensive tips on beard grooming and includes a free certificate for being a honorary Texas Ranger. Round-house kick to the face not included.


EMF Sensor
Sure you got a great deal on that quaint little house in Maine next to the old cemetery, but it’s only because there’s been dozens of grizzly deaths there since the civil war. Now detect whether ghosts are hiding out in the kitchen and prove to your neighbors that you aren’t insane…you’re just really creepy.


Grow a Frog Kit
Is your city being overrun by giant mutant flies? Create your own giant frog…also easily adaptable to increase the growth of other mutant animals like piranha, ants, alligators. It’s make your own mutant army, just add water…and some radioactive uranium ore if you can find any.


Uranium Ore
Oh look, it’s radioactive Uranium Ore…Amazon really does sell everything.


Nerd Lenses
If you’re a girl, you can greatly increase your chances of survival by appearing at least to be the nerdy quiet white girl. Wear these fake glasses and be sure to avoid having sex, doing drugs or listening to loud rock music.


Anti-UFO Bazooka
Keep it in back of your pickup next to the dog. It’ll help ward off any would be alien abductors cruising in their spaceships for a good time. Probe this ya alien scum!


Armor Suit
Help prevent zombie or demon bitings and subsequent infection with flexible breathable lining. Also ideal for scavenging in a post apocalyptic forbidden zone (see hockey equipment,)


Inflatable Decoys
When being pursued by a masked psycho, you may find them unstoppable killers but they’re also dumb as a log. Dress one up as their dead mother to distract them while you sneak away.


Ancient Pendants
Unleash the unholy powers of ancient Aztech demons and take over the world. Warning, may cause skin lacerations and a uncontrollable tendancy to laugh menacingly at your enemies. You may also have the urge to adopt a hell hound for a pet and name him Mr. Fluff N. Stuff.

Dec

posted by Barry Goodall | December 4, 2011 | 80's b-movies, 80's movies, Action, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Rest stop, Review by Barry Goodall

Before Arnold was flexing his muscle with his maid service and blowing up state budgets as governor, he was blowing up bad guys on the big screen. In Total Recall Arnie plays Doug Quaid, a guy who seems to have a great life jack hammering concrete during the day and hammerin’ Sharon Stone at night. Despite the daily grind, Doug is looking for more out of life and has been having reoccurring dreams about trips to Mars and getting his eyes sucked out of their sockets from decompression. Sounds like fun, so instead of taking a vacation he decides to have the memories of a fake trip to Mars implanted into his giant noggin’ by Rekall, Inc. Things go wrong when the implant doesn’t take and the company has to dump Doug in a robot taxi. Unfortunately his co-workers show up and try to kill him with some post-modern uzis but Arnie snaps their necks like they’re democrat fund raisers. Back at his house, he has a knife fight with his wife for not bringing home eggs and milk and narrowly escapes from a group of thugs led by Michael Ironside. After a brief nasal probing, Doug takes a ship to Mars to find out the secrets of his identity. In the planet’s red light district he teams up with a hooker turned martian revolutionary who likes slapping him around like Ike Turner and she leads him to Kuato, a munchkin martian attached to some slouches stomach. Kuato reads Doug’s memories learning he can free Mars and it’s colonists by activating a mysterious reactor inside a martian temple. It’s theorized it will melt a giant glacier inside a mountain resulting in the planet’s biggest slushy. Doug uses holograms and semi automatics against the evil corporate baron and his goon squad who have cut off oxygen to the mutants. If only he tried the same thing with California. Barry Goodall reminds you to check it out and always wrap a wet towel around your head before getting your butt to Mars.

Roadside Attractions:

- exploding heads
- extreme nasal probes
- triple-breasted martians
- eye bulging
- dwarf with machine guns
- robot cab drivers
- rat shooting
- multiple head shots
- tummy baby mutants
- drill to the gut
- hologram shooting

trailers

dripper
Nov

It’s a post turkeypocalypse and we’re giving away a signed copy of the best and only thanksgiving horror film, “Thankskilling” on DVD. It’s a great movie to gather the family around after deserts and before the in-laws break out the homemade whiskey. Just post your favorite thanksgiving memory and the funniest wins. Heck you can even make somethin’ up, we ain’tthe feds.  Check out our Lost Highway fan page for more details on how to win.

Now here’s the Doktor’s Review of Thankskilling for those of you that have woken up from your tryptophan coma.

Tagline: Gobble Gobble Mother F****r

Year: 2009 Runtime: 70 min

Director: Jordan Downey

Writer: Jordan Downey (writer), Kevin Stewart (writer), Bradly Schulz (additional dialogue), Anthony Wilson (additional dialogue) & Grant Yaffee (additional dialogue)

Starring: Wanda Lust, Natasha Cordova and Lindsey Anderson

A big bare breast is the first shot. BAM! Straight out the gate. This movie knows exactly who it’s for and where it’s going. Just so there is no confusion, this is NOT the film to pop in after the ball game on Thanksgiving. What the film is: pure fart jokes without the high-brow posturing. Take the “named” actress in the film, porn star Wanda Lust. Nothing says pure class like a second string porn star. And just to be cheeky, she plays a Puritan woman. This film is subtle as a ruptured testicle.

Everything about this movie oozes Grade B Government Cheese. And yet, I find it incredibly hard to believe that Troma had nothing to do with this film. Hmmm… but I digress.

The story is the usual hapless-college-kids-run-into-a-crazed-killer-in-the-woods schtick, but the twist is the killer in this film is a foul-mouthed turkey, named, quite ingeniously, Turkie. As the story goes, Turkie was necromanced by a powerful Native American magician to seek revenge for the indigenous peoples, flora and fauna of North America. When raised, Turkie only goes after the group of people he first encounters. Why? Uhm… Hey, there’s Milk Melons in the first shot!

How does one raise Turkie? Well, I’m glad I asked. There are two ways, and, as the filmmaker could never decide which he liked better, he left both in the film to further confuse and frustrate us. But, hey, there are Paw Patties right off the bat. The first explanation, he just comes back every 505 years in some kind of “now you don’t, now you see him” kind of thing. Granted, that doesn’t make much sense, and it REALLY doesn’t work out mathematically with the first Thanksgiving mentioned in the beginning… but then again, there were Dairy Dumplings in the first shot. The second explanation, someone’s dog can unwittingly pee on his totem pole. Wouldn’t you know it, right after them Sweet Sweater Spuds, we see a local redneck and his dog who are out… uhm… doing something, and the dog pees on this random miniature totem pole. The earth quakes, out shoots some blur and puppy falls down dead.

Oh, and hilarity ensues.

Now, I know that you’re asking yourself, “Hey, why does Turkie go after the college students when he is supposed to only go after the group of people he first encounters, i.e. the redneck and his dog?” To which the answer is: Juicy Jugs! In the first shot!

I could go on, but I don’t want to ruin all the artful expletives and complex plot, so I’ll end with this bit of teaser: Turkie dies in the end.

Still, the film closes with a title card that reads, “To be continued… IN SPACE!”

When I saw that the filmmaker had a Kickstarter project to fund Thankskilling 2 a few months back, I gladly sent my money. Stay tuned for more Turkie, and possibly more Num-Nums.

roadside attractions

  • Rent-A-Center Ted Nugent as the hermit redneck
  • Divorce announced by laying a turd in the coffee pot
  • Cartoon flashback to tell the creation myth
  • Turkie raping the hot brunette
  • Flappy Funbags
totals

8

blood

BLOOD

Head explosion, Turkie busting out of Fat Guy’s stomach, neck slit, tongue and heart pecked out, electric meat carver to the gut, face ripped off, etc

6

blood

BREASTS

Did I mention, Tig Ole’ Bitty is the FIRST SHOT of the film?

6

beast

BEASTS

Turkie the foul-mouthed hand o’ Native American vengence

6.00 OVERALL
dripper

Check out the trailer for “Thankskilling”

trailers

dripper
Nov

posted by Barry Goodall | November 24, 2011 | Holiday films

Repent the day is here. Prepare your condiments, add another notch to your belt and trip out on a tryptophan overdose. It’s Turkeypocalypse and our clan of highway mutants found some of the best food related scenes on the Internets.

In honor of national bird carnage we’re also giving away a signed copy of the best and only thanksgiving horror film, “Thankskilling” on DVD. It’s a great movie to gather the family around after deserts and before the in-laws break out the homemade whiskey. Check out our Lost Highway fan page for more details on how to win.

…and now the highway mutants give you their best b-movie scenes involving food. Sorry, Gas-X not included.

Food of the Gods
Just like that green mole on my back, Thanksgivin’ is here again. But, unlike the return of my mole, Thankgivin’ at least means a tasty meal. Plenty of B-movies feature food scenes, so here is one of my favorites from, what else, Food of the Goods. -Tiger Sixon

Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child
It’s a Bulimia nervosa nightmare when Freddy starts stuffing his victims like a thanksgiving turkey. Bon apet-die. – Barry Goodall

The Stuff
And up through the ground came a bubblin goo. Alien that is. – Barry Goodall

Troll 2
You don’t piss on hospitality…. or electric fences, but you sure as heck don’t eat food covered in green goo. – Barry Goodall

The Horror Show
This one will make ya wanna steer clear of the butterball turkey this year. – Barry Goodall

Drag me to Hell
Not to be ‘punny,’ but all Hell breaks loose at the dinner table when cursed cutie Christine tries to impress her fiancee’s parents with some down-home cooking. Her Harvest Cake’s main ingredient seems to be flies!
-Donna Bleed

Twilight Zone: The Movie
Poor Helen is subjected to one of the most awkward birthday dinners ever! The food alone is horrifying, but just wait, the terror is just around the corner!-Donna Bleed

Dead Alive
And you thought your Thanksgiving dinners were uncomfortable! -The Doktor

Meat Spider
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Lost Highway is your satirical detour down the twisted back roads of b-movies and cult films reviews. learn more >>