Sep

posted by admin | September 14, 2016 | B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Feature

Comments Off on Great movie shirts for your consideration from Found Item Clothing.

Rather than do anything meaningful or important like shipping out customer orders or assisting on the phones or polishing up the latest shirt design, we thought we’d talk about our favorite tshirts from our favorite movies instead. It’s kind of surprising anything gets done around here, honestly. All of us at the office are cult film fans, and the allure to simply start talking about that one scene in your favorite film is a strong one.

So we gave in, in to that siren song of procrastination. Rather than work, we had an office powwow and picked our favorite cult film shirts. There are not a lot of us here at Found Item Clothing, so this wonít be an all-inclusive list, but maybe we can find a common thread and bring peace and prosperity to the galaxy.

Sara: Welcome to Tatooine (Star Wars)

Sara enjoys shopping for power converters at Tosche Station, long walks on sand dunes, and shooting wamp rats for sport. She advises that when visiting Tatooni, “it is really important to wear breathable cotton fabrics”. Her sentiments are apropos given this is her favorite shirt.

Karl: I Heart Toxic Waste (Real Genius)

Karl can often be found laughing maniacally while rearranging merchandise. It matters not to him if anyone can find anything. When he’s not hatching diabolical plans, he says he thinks about his favorite shirt and how “it is a timeless message, almost a philosophy.” That and it was our first shirt ever sold.

John: College (Animal House)

John has Terminator-level relentlessness when it comes to sitting at his workstation, the only weakness being cupcakes (chocolate please). Channeling his inner-Bluto, John states that the College sweatshirt is something that, “most everyone can relate to, even though they may not know the movie it’s taken from.”

Adam: Fu Manchu (Big Trouble in Little China)

Adam brings a Zen-like calm to the office, coalescing everyone’s efforts into a meaningful outcome. It’s these ancient mystical powers that draw him to the Fu Manchu tank top.

Trevor: This is my Boomstick (Army of Darkness)

Trevor can usually be found looking for any excuse to watch YouTube while on the clock. Besides having laziness that rivals Ed from Shaun of the Dead, his taste in movies is legendary in his own mind. And his favorite of all time is Army of Darkness: “It’s a movie about one manís epic struggle to Deadite the wrongs in his life.”

Sep

posted by Doktor | September 1, 2016 | 80's b-movies, 80's movies, Action, Review by Doktor, Sci-Fi

Comments Off on Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn

Metalstorm Main Image

In 1979 George Miller changed the dystopian future. Before Mad Max, dystopian movies were overly cerebral sci fi with nihilistic endings—stories that made you want to shoot yourself. Suicide was not to avoid a dismal fate, but to avoid suffering another God awful movie. Now almost all dystopia are set in a desert that’s inhabited by filthy, blood-thirsty circus freaks driving metal monstrosities.

One of the many Mad Maxploitation films is Charles Band’s Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn. I happened upon it in a carwash dollar bin. Though it was priced twice what it’s worth, I needed something for this month’s walk thru. So, fasten your safety belts and keep a sharp lookout for roaming bands of ravagers, we’re going back to the dark times, 1983.

The movies opens with unnecessarily rousing and patriotic music over the opening credits.

Easy-Breezy LeatherCut to a desert wasteland. Civilization has devolved into a Mad Max dystopia. Our hero, Max Man, roams the dirt roads and rock quarries in his metal minivan, the Mad Max Mobile. Max Man is all over the road. He’s swerving worse than a Kennedy after cocktails. Thankfully the Mad Max Mobile is equipped with enough blifnar and random levers to stay on the road. Not being a spastic driver would work too, but bleeps and flashing lights add production value, and this movie needs all the help it can get.

Max Man makes a gratuitous stop. He removes his helmet and opens his door. Ostensibly he does so in order to receive a communication from Ranger Station, but really it’s so we can get a look at him—and what an eye full. Dirty blond hair from all road film. His skin is shiny from sweat and grease. All this wrapped tight in black leather, which was originally tan. A man’s man in this desolate world. A crack whore anywhere else.

Ranger Command warns Max Man he’s outside the safe zone. Also communications are spotty because of interference from the crystal fields. But most importantly, Max Man’s girlfriend feels they should start seeing other people.

Distracted by the news of his darling’s lost love, Max Man completely misses the Scary Krishna peering from a nearby cliff. (Scary Krishnas are half Tusken Raider, half Hare Krishna, with half their face scabbed over making them half cyclops.) When he drives on, the Scary Krishna pursues Max Man on his hover bike. There’s a moderately expensive looking chase scene, with laser burlets, which is abruptly cut short when a cliff wall sneaks up on the Scary Krishna. Hover bikes don’t respond well to sudden, violent stops. In this case the hover bike blowed up.

Max Man goes through the wreckage and finds a mysterious red crystal.

Meanwhile, in a crystal mine, Blondie and Greystache the Father are hard at work mining for crystals. Crystals are… they do… something, which makes them valuable. Thus far (in life) Greystache has been useless in unearthing any. That’s about to change though. Today he just knows there’s going to be some in this abandoned mine.

Blondie and Greystache use advanced Ghostbusters-styled blinky technology. And, surprise! Blondie uncovers a giant clear crystal. Greystache is so excited that he almost drops the florescent light he was using to bore solid rock. They’re rich. Life is good again. They won’t have to put the cat down because the can’t afford to feed him. Instead, they can euthanize the little bastard because they don’t like him. Hell, there will be enough money to get that personality transplant for Greystache’s frigid wife. Joy and exultation!

Naturally the Scary Krishnas show up and wreck things.

Here comes the AirplaneLeading them is Erik Destro, the bastard offspring of the Phantom of the Opera and Laird James McCullen Destro XXIV. He squirts hallucijuice from his metal arm on Greystache. The hallucijuice burns through Greystache’s coveralls, seeps into his skin, and sends him on a freaky vision trip to Jared-Syn. (Jared-Syn is the local villain. He’s got a British accent so he is also a magician or Jeti or something.) Jared-Syn harshes Greystache’s mellow by touching a red crystal to his neck. The crystal must have been really cold because Greystache tenses up then falls over dead.

Jump cut: Max Man drives up just in time to miss the Scary Krishnas completely. (Well played, sir.) Blondie, watching from her hiding spot just inside the mine, sees Max Man walk up to investigate Greystache’s dead body. Despite everything she’s witnessed, i.e. everything that’s happened, she’s furious and ambushes Max Man at gunpoint. She actually asks what he has done to Greystache.

Now that Greystache is dead, and the expensive crystal they found destroyed, Blondie has nothing left. She exercises her prerogative as the damsel in distress to hitch up with Max Man. (Ooooo! Sorry, dude. Should have kept driving.) Completely emasculated, Max Man capitulates quietly.

After an info-dump bit of exposition and planning, their first stop is to see Merchant Man, the crystal specialist. He can tell them more about the mysterious red crystal. Max Man ponders the possibility that Merchant Man might be a spot to dump Blondie, and the Del Taco had for lunch.

Vamanos!

Over at Camp Scary Krishna, Jared-Syn feels a new disturbance in the Farze: Max Man and Blondie. Together they are strong, or something. This is bad. Probably. To ease his foul mood he uses a red crystal on some poor shmuck. Jared-Syn brags he is doing this for the Brotherhood of Scary Krishnas. Really it is just an opportunity to monologue about the red crystals for the audience. To wit, they’re Ruby Crystals of Death that collect the Life Farze of the people they touch, which… does something.

Anyhoo, Jared-Syn hands out Ruby Crystals of Death to some of the brothers to collect more Life Farze. (For the weekend’s big Jamboree, maybe?)

Over in Merchant Cave, Merchant Man (a Rent-A-Center Boss Hog) inspects Max Man’s red crystal. After shooting it with a couple different L.I.B.s (laser inquisitation burlets), he discovers the red crystal is a Ruby Crystal of Death. Ruby Crystals of Death collect the Life Farze of the people they touch. Neat. Deja Vu. We already knew this from the Camp Scary Krishna scene just a minute ago, so thanks for nothing.

Now Max Man knows Jared-Syn’s secret plan: collect Life Farze and… something. (Profit?) Max Man absolutely has to find Jared-Syn, but where could he be? Whoa! Guess what? Merchant Man knows a guy at Camp Gypsy who was a Ranger like Max Man back in the old days. Surely He’ll know Camp Scary Krishna’s location. Probably.

Vamanos!

Liver & Onion KissBefore heading out, Max Man tries to abandon Blondie but she’s having none of it. She’s a strong 80s womern. Plus she slept with the producer so… suck it up, Max Man, you’re stuck with her.

Quick aside: someone in the production crew had an uncle who owned a junk yard. Because of this there were plenty of junker vehicles to make up the fleet of scrap metal Scary Krishna Kludge Mobiles (SKKM). What would a Mad Maxploitation film be without all the metal monstrosities, right? So it was only a matter of time before Max Man and Blondie were going to be ambushed by a pack of roving Scary Krishnas lead by Erik Destro.

Time for a crash up derby.

Expendable Scary Krishnas are driven off of cliffs, and explode, or run into dirt walls, and explode, or just explode.

Unbelievably, two SKKMs manage to not explode. They cut off the Mad Max Mobile at the pass. How they managed do so doesn’t matter. What does matter is, rather than just drive around (there is plenty of room), Max Man stops and jumps out. Blondie, too.

Under the cover of nothing, Max Man and Blondie manage to avoid getting hit in the shoot out. On the other side, several Scary Krishnas, safely protected behind and/or inside their vehicles, are picked off like rabbits staked to the ground. Before the Scary Krishnas rout, Erik Destro squirts hallucijuice on Max Man.

Cut to later that night. Blondie is cuddling Max Man. Her lap has Mystical Rejuvenation Powers +2. This buff has thus far kept Max Man from totally tripping balls. Unfortunately he was hit with concentrated hallucijuice. This formula is so strong it not only pulls Max Man into the freaky vision trip to Jared-Syn, but Blondie too.

Good thing. Remember, together they are strong. When Jared-Syn grabs Max Man, Blondie’s lap’s kung fu grip holds him in place. Granted, Jared-Syn could have used the Ruby Crystal of Death on them both, but that would have ended the movie right there. There’s still another 50 minutes of runtime to go, so don’t think about that.

Think about this insead: Max Man starts coming down, bringing both himself and Blondie back to reality, but Jared-Syn refuses to be beaten. He uses his teleportation power to steal Blondie. Yoink!

Wait. What?!?

Jared-Syn has the power to teleport people? I could forgive not using the Ruby Crystal of Death, but all this time Jared-Syn could have teleported one, or both, right into Camp Scary Krishna?

Shenanigans! Charles Band is just screwing with us.

But the Grade-A bull plops don’t stop there. Without the protection of Blondie’s Mystical Rejuvenation Powers +2, Max Man will be easy prey for Jared-Syn’s Blue Crystal Creature.

Crystal PokemonWhat’s a Blue Crystal Creature (BCC)? A BCC is the rarest of Pokémon. It is immune to laser burlets AND medium to large sized rocks—thrown, hurled, or tossed. They are easily teleported directly where needed, not just deployed within one’s throwing distance. This is a huge plus for Jared-Syn as he throws like a right-handed sissy using his left hand. Best of all, they have a groovy, blue electrical discharge that’s just swell.

Unfortunately the top speed of the BCC is comparable to a Romero zombie (circa Night of the Living Dead) or a Bela Lugosi vampire. This gives Max Man plenty to time to work out what to do. Just as the BCC is upon him, he shoots the ground opening up one of the many fresh spring veins. Desert fresh spring veins are quite numerous, contrary to popular belief, and are the one weakness of the BCC. When the BCC steps in the crisp and refreshing puddle it dies. Because…

Just because! Don’t pester Metalstorm with your damnable logic.

Back at Camp Scary Krishna, Jared-Syn has completely forgotten about the BCC. He has more pressing matters, namely villain monologuing at Blondie about his big crystal. He stores all the Life Farze in his big crystal. He even lets her touch it. (I get the distinct feeling there’s something more to this dialogue.) After all that Jared-Syn is tired and lights a cigarette, satisfied he’s still the shiz. Between drags on his Kool he realizes his BCC hasn’t returned. No matter. He sends Erik Destro to kill Max Man, because it worked out so well the first time.

Elsewhere, Max Man finds Camp Gypsy. Before heading in he stops the Mad Max Mobile, exits, and takes a celebratory drink of water. Because… Who knows? At this point anything goes so long as it runs down the clock. In my headcanon he does this because it is always best to get out and drink your water in the hot desert sun, particularly before entering a strange Gypsy town. You never know what kind of street urchins will attach themselves to you as the “outsider.” As stupid as that sounds, the instant Max Man sets foot in the camp he is beset by the children. They’ve never seen a real life Ranger. Well, except for Hans Olo, the “guy” Max Man is there to find, but…

SHUT UP!

Max Man finds Hans Olo in the Rent-A-Center Mos Eisley bar. Here the Wretched Hive of Scum and Villainy is the name of the Kenny Chesney tribute band, not a description of the denizens. Actually, they are a nice lot, even if they are in need of serious orthodontics.

Time for some machismo blustering.

Max Man and Hans Olo size up one another’s bonafides. Hans Olo is an old school Ranger: Drunk Class—grumpy and not in it for your revolution, sister. Max Man is a new school Ranger: Metal Shinguards Class—tight leather and all man.

Okay… That killed a few minutes.

Though they’re sort of in the middle of a conversation, Max Man leaves to investigate a noise outside. The townies captured a Scary Krishna and have roughed him up. Max Man saunters over to get a better look at the Scary Krishna. He reminds Max Man of a guy he went to high school with. Turns out he’s not, but the townies aren’t happy all the same. They don’t cotton to no fancy Ranger and his big city educated friends.

Time for a Mexican standoff.

What the townies don’t know is Max Man is also a Ranger: Quick Draw McGraw Class. Max Man manages to shoot one townie. The other townie blasts Max Man’s gun from his hand. As he draws down on Max Man, Hans Olo, in a not-at-all surprising turn of heart, shoots the townie in the chest.

With a twirling flourish Hans Olo holsters his gun and grumbles, “You’re gonna be trouble.”

Aw! Now Max Man and Hans Olo are best friends. Time to head to Camp Scary Krishna.

Vamanos!

Cut to the Mad Max Mobile driving up on a small pond. It’s easy to drive around. Hell, it’s shallow enough to drive through. Yet because it’s in front of them, Max Man and Hans Olo get out and walk. They find a stone marker with a tree carved in it, which probably means something, but whatever. They keep on walking.

The fog is thick in this part of the desert, even in the hottest part of the day. This natural camouflage has helped the indigenous burrowing sand snakes infest the area. Sensing easy and mostly digestible prey, the sand snakes follow Max Man and Hans Olo a la Bugs Bunny burrowing his way to Albuquerque. The sand snakes close in while Max Man defiles a sacred Scary Krishna shrine. Inside he discovers the Crystal Face Shield. While distracted by it’s awesome stupidity the sand snakes strike.

To Max Man and Hans Olo’s benefit, the sand snakes’ gums are baby bottom soft. Max Man and Hans Olo are bitten repeatedly resulting in them both feeling relaxed. Mellowed, they almost give into the sand snakes’ Somnambulant Massage Attack. Remembering he is a man, and men don’t get massages from snakes (unless they’re homos), Max Man shoots one in the mouth. Showed them sneaky slack-jawed snakes who’s boss!

Bull the Scary Krishna WarlordBull Shannon, the Scary Krishna warlord, ambushes Max Man and Hans Olo as they flee the parlor of the sand snakes. Bull is impressed that they sullied the sacred Scary Krishna monument and retrieved the Crystal Face Shield. Yet they shot Fluffy, his beloved sand snake (right in the mouth, too!). This is too much of an outrage to ignore so he calls for koon-ut-kal-if-fee.

The fight proves to be less than impressive. After a few thrusts and parries, Max Man defeats Bull. He doesn’t kill Bull, despite viciously slashing at him with his ceremonial sai. (Scary Krishna keep the round barrel of their ceremonial sai razor smooth.)

Bull, being a mighty Scary Krishna warlord, craps his diaper and cries like a little baby. He’s happy Max Man spared his life. The tears are an ancient Scary Krishna tradition to save face. Thus he lets Max Man and Hans Olo leave in peace.

That is the way of a fearsome Scary Krishna warlord.

For some reason driving past the pond is now possible, so Max Man and Hans Olo continue on their journey. What they don’t realize is Erik Destro’s gang has bivouacked in the middle of the road a half mile from the pond. After crashing the party, literally, there’s lots of driving in circles through the camp, random camp debris crushed, Scary Krishnas running and shrieking, SKKMs rolling over and exploding. In other words, a typical Kappa Kappa Bro fraternity party at Stanford.

Having fulfilled the Three Stooges comedy bit of the film, there’s a proper car chase. Remember, the Scary Krishnas have a fleet of SKKMs to get through. So more wrecks, explosions, driving off of cliffs, explosions, and explosions. One of the Scary Krishnas is so excited he runs a fellow Krishna off a cliff. Yet another explosion. Yay!

The Scary Krishnas pull another blocking maneuver, because it worked out so well the first time. Max Man switches things up by jumping the cars, which is amazing considering there was no ramp nor KITT style turbo boost button in the Mad Max Mobile. Suddenly, because the scene called for it, the Mad Max Mobile has jump power. Yet more unfathomable is Erik Destro’s decision to unceremoniously drop the chase.

WHAT?!?

Hans Olo exclaims, “I’m getting to old for this stuff.” Indeed. Ten year old boys are too old for this stuff.

It’s right about now that Hans Olo notices that “not so fresh” feeling. Self conscious and cranky, he whinges on endlessly about not being able to find Camp Scary Krishna. Max Man stops at Blue Crystal Water Hole. Blue crystal water is great for flushing sand out of lady parts.

As Hans Olo freshens up, Max Man puts on the Crystal Face Shield ‘cos why not? This causes a vision trip. He’s naked in a cave. There’s a burning tree. He’s carrying an axe. Hey! Axes are used to chop trees. So he gives it a hard whack. The tree starts to bleed. Somewhere a Native American starts crying. If only Max Man had one of Hans Olo’s sanitary napkins.

As Max Man tries to understand his vision quest, Erik Destro walks up. Hans Olo takes a Scary Krishna star to the head, going down faster than Richard Simmons on a musical submarine. This is the last straw. Max Man can take no more. He has lost the girl (he didn’t want around anyway) and the guy (he just met). Having returned the same nothing he had at the beginning of the movie, Max Man finds a power he didn’t know he had. Max Man is the hero this dystopian world needs!

Max Man shoots up the Scary Krishnas, carefully saving his strength for Erik Destro. With a primal scream he rips off Erik Destro’s metal, hallucijuice-squirting arm. And scene.

While Max Man congratulates himself with an extra slice of cake from craft services, Erik Destro escapes. He’s too hurt to notice he is leaking hallucijuice. The trail is bright green and so obvious even Ray Charles could follow it, and he’s dead—and blind.

Cut to: night at Camp Scary Krishna. Erik Destro is worried that they’ve underestimated Max Man. Jared-Syn’s not troubled. They have the Red Crystals of Death. They have the giant crystal of Life Farze. They have the Scary Krishnas. And most of all, they have Blondie. She is the linchpin. She is the bait to lure Max Man into Jared-Syn’s trap of crystals and Life Farze and Scary Krishnas. Mwa ha ha ha ha ha!

Max Man struts into camp like it ain’t no thing, which I suppose it isn’t as he is met with no resistance. Not even a, “Hey!” Thusly embiggened, Max Man starts a battle of wits to win the hearts of the Scary Krishnas.

Max Man calls Jared-Syn a liar.

“Nuh-uh!” retorts Jared-Syn.

Stalemate.

So it comes down to an exchange of laser burlets. Max Man uses the Crystal Face Shield to deflect Jared-Syn’s palm lasers. Max Man only deflects a couple before Erik Destro knocks the Crystal Face Shield from his hands, shattering it in the soft sand of the desert floor. This awakens the bloodlust in the Scary Krishna. Well, in one Scary Krishna, Bull. He stabs Erik Destro in the duodenum, his Achilles heel, killing him instantly.

Jared-Syn disappears (yet another power just when he needs it) while all look around stupidly. Max Man snatches a hover bike. Where is he going? Who knows. Maybe he is making a run for it. He couldn’t be chasing Jared-Syn because he just vanished without a trace. So, whatever.

I'm Not Touching YouBecause Max Man is safety conscious, he straps on a Scary Krishna helmet before taking off. The helmet covers one of his eyes. (Head protection outweighs depth perception when you’re flying.) Only able to use one eye might totally jack with Max Man’s depth perception, but it allows him to see Jared-Syn. Or, that’s what I made up because the movie failed to explain what was happening. So…

Vamanos!

Now it’s day. There’s a lukewarm flying chase scene. Animating a good chase was more than the budget allowed. Besides they only needed a couple minutes to pad out the runtime.

Jared-Syn opens the Dark Portal of Set and escapes.

Thwarted, Max Man returns to Camp Scary Krishna. There he tells Bull about Jared-Syn’s escape. Max Man vows that he will follow wherever Jared-Syn goes. To affirm his resolve, he destroys the big crystal (which was the only way to open the Dark Portal of Set, but whatever).

Max Man and Blondie start walking home. Hans Olo drives up and gives them a ride into town. The end.

Hmm. Wait a minute. Isn’t this Metalstorm: the DESTRUCTION of Jared-Syn? Oh well. Nevermind.

The End.

roadside attractions

  • SEE! things come at the screen! Ooooo! 3D!
  • MARVEL! at the majestic papier-mâché shrines of the Scary Krishna!
  • HEAR! the anguished cries of souls lost in the Ruby Crystal of Death as Merchant Man tortures them further by shooting the crystal with lasers!
  • QUESTION! what the hell is going on because the movie doesn’t bother to explain what’s happening!
  • BE AMAZED! that a movie can have so much metal but rock less than Blue’s Clues!
totals

5 blood  

BLOOD

There’s a little in the koon-ut-kal-if-fe scene. There’s more hallucijuice, and that’s something, right?

0 blood  

BREASTS

None. Blondie’s high falutin’.

 

10 beast  

BEASTS

Scary Krishnas and burrowing sand snakes.

 

OVERALL 5
dripper

Watch the trailer for “Metalstorm The Destruction of Jared-Syn”

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Jul

Comments Off on Nightmare On Elm Street (2010)

grounding

Welcome to another review, folks! Now, it’s no secret I have a soft spot for remakes, but that doesn’t mean I won’t judge them accordingly. Plus, I feel for the filmmakers trying to walk the tightrope and balance doing too much to change the story, or not enough. Also, no matter how good a remake, or reboot, is, it will get a fair amount of negativity; such as the incredibly done Evil Dead remake. The movie we’re talking about today is a remake of the first horror movie I ever saw, as a kid. Let’s just say my babysitter, at the time, thought it’d make a great bedtime story. Let’s get to Nightmare On Elm Street.

The film opens up in a diner with a teen, who looks more like he’s in his late 20’s, sitting alone, chugging coffee. Someone should’ve told him caffeine only takes you so far, after that stop you’re gonna need a taser. The waitress bypasses him, holding his sweet nectar of consciousness, and he follows, giving us our first look at the new Freddy Kruger. Well, it’s more like a glimpse through really dirty glasses. The guy wakes up, nursing his newly cut hand, and talking to a friend, who’s purpose for being there was already forgotten. The coffee spills, and he knocks out, again, finding himself fighting the dream. We cut back to reality, he’s asleep, and in serious danger of getting a hickey from a steak knife. With confirmation that this is the thing Kruger needs we watch as the teen cuts his own neck, starting the movie off with a great bit of gore, and a good introduction to a favorite movie monster of many.

mathWe attend the dead teen’s funeral, and, per usual get into some long exposition about….wait…is that another dream sequence? By Krom, it is! The movie is not letting up on the Freddy, at all, they’re laying it on thick, and I’m loving it. The next day the blonde girl is in school, thinking about the mysterious man with the clawed hand, only to fall asleep, again! Has she not figured out this is where she’s vulnerable? This girls seems to be the type to stick the fork in the socket twice, just to make sure it worked. Freddy scares her, she screams, and WHAT a scream, she wakes up, and we move on. Her boyfriend comes over, and pays homage to Wes Craven, via Scream reference, and tries to help her, in a way that I never figured out. Him being there is pretty pointless, except, maybe, to set up a patsy, and witness the horror that comes for them in their sleep. Called it! Blonde is ripped to shreds, gives the room, and her boyfriend, a new coat of red paint, and he’s arrested wearing her like a shine job.

Now, this is where I’d start talking about the differences in the original versus the remake. So. I’m gonna. Let’s start with the tone of the movie. While the original was made to be a horror movie, it used humor to stymie the darkness. Meanwhile, the remake revels in it. Do I like one more than the other? Yes. I like the darker tone, namely because Kruger, himself, as of later years, and movies, has become more hardy-har-har than horror, and I like this return to form. The filmmakers understood they had to pay homage, while innovating, so we have wonderful shots of distorted reality, gory images, and even classic shots reappearing. Lastly, let’s talk Freddy. Robert Englund was iconic, immortalized in this role, and rightfully so. Jackie Earle Haley, however, is just as remarkable. Englund’s portrayal was over the top, even cartoonish at times, while still being scary. While Haley’s take is a lot darker, adding ticks, subtracting the smile, and it works just as well. Classic Freddy will always have a special place in my heart, but, I want to see more of the new Kruger.

starbucksBack in the movie, boyfriend boy runs to Nancy’s house. Can’t have a Nightmare movie without her! And tries to tell her what’s going on, only to be arrested shortly after. With each progressing dream sequence we start to learn a little more about the demon haunting the kids’ dreams. Boyfriend guy is in jail, now, trying to stay awake, and…wait for it…fails miserably! Freddy toys with him, displaying the filleted friends like gory trophies. After some teasing Kruger turns the guy into a screaming meat puppet, plunging claws first through the chest. I don’t think he’s going to be okay. And this is another point in favor of the remake: The gore is much more visceral, much more real feeling, I think it has to do with taking the darker tone, and leaving the fantastical behind. Nancy calls another friend, who’s being haunted by the same nightmares, and they try to come up with a plan. And this is something new to the Nightmare movies, as well: The science of sleep. It seems micro-naps will get you killed, even if you’re not aware you’re doing it, like answering your phone while pumping gas. Now that Nancy has entered the mix, things ought to go full steam ahead.

The classic bathtub scene rears it’s awesome head, and little Nancy is sent to Krugerville. He tries to jog her memory of him via face lick, but her alarm goes off and thwarts any further reminding. My question is this: Why would you take a relaxing bath when you’re being hunted by a murderer in your dreams?!? I’d be taking an ice cube shower and doing shots of espresso while blasting the most annoying synth pop I could get my hands on! Moving on. Nancy’s mom is acting suspicious, so Nancy goes on a hunt for information. Mom spills the beans that there was a man named Fred Kruger, who worked at the preschool that all the kids who’ve been murdered attended. This is the beginning of that turn into the seriously dark tone, by implying that the children were molested, but Kruger left town before there were any consequences. Nancy doesn’t buy it, but Scruffy McTeenGuy does. Now our heroes are divided, and we have two very interesting paths this movie is taking.

noseNext day at swim class, while in the pool, Scruffy McTeenGuy falls asleep in the pool. That’s right, in the middle of the pool! Good gravy almighty! You could take these kids out with some well placed velcro! In the dream Scruffy learns about what really happened to Kruger, a tale we know, but with a twist: It seems that Freddy might’ve been innocent. While he coughs up six gallons of pool water we join Nancy in watching a video series of another teen, posted online, confirming not only the preschool, but Freddy, himself. Scruffy shows up and they go confront his father, the principal, only to get further confirmation that they had no evidence for what Kruger was accused of, but they burnt him, anyways. Oh, hello, old classic shot of dead girl in body bag. It’s still so creepy, even after all these years. Scruffy goes to get more pills so Nancy and him can continue-JUMPING JUPITER JONES! Thanks for the jump scare, Freddy! She falls asleep, is chased into the pharmacy, and gets sliced. Luckily they’re in a pharmacy. But, she also discovers that Kruger can be brought to the real world by holding on to him when she wakes up. That’s a bull I don’t wanna try to ride, thank you!

An epinephrine shot later Scruffy finds out that even with chemical help he can’t escape those pesky micro-naps. Two, count ’em, two jump scares later we head into the final scenes of the movie. No spoilers, here folks! So is this movie better than the original? No, it is completely different, telling the same story with a different narrative. Is this Freddy better than the original? Same answer. Should you give this movie a shot? Abso-friggin’-lutely! Without the nostalgia goggles on, and without trying to compare minutes of the past and the new, this movie stands well enough, on it’s own. And I, personally, hope they make more. Thanks for reading, folks! Stay Tuned!

 

roadside attractions

  • Worst Hell’s Kitchen ever.
  • Whatcha doin’ with that knife?
  • Freddy does not like dogs!
  • That’s not washing out!
  • Silent Hill much?
  • When the term “Air Bed” gets too literal.
  • That had to hurt.
  • Don’t drive while sleepy.
  • That had to hurt, too.
totals

10

blood  

BLOOD

Copious, flowing, and awesome

1

blood  

BREASTS

They’re teenagers, and this ain’t the 80’s!

 

10

beast  

BEASTS

It’s Freddy!

8.00 OVERALL
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Jul

posted by admin | July 16, 2016 | 60's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Guest Review, Horror movies

Comments Off on Black Sabbath: A guest review by Paul Counelis

paul

Paul Counelis writes the “Monster Kid Corner” column for Rue Morgue, is the editor of Halloween Machine magazine, sings for the scary band Lords of October and is a member of the Flint Horror Collective, bringing events to sunny Flint, Michigan for years. FACEBOOK and LIKE all that stuff, willya? In his free time

he writes incredible books about scary stuff, does a bi-weekly podcast with his pals (Ghoul Cast), raises 9 kids with his gorgeous (and patient) wife Crystal, and runs a home haunt called Scarriage Town with family and friends (and daughter’s consistent imaginary(?) friend Hallie).
Screen Shot 2016-07-16 at 12.24.14 PM

Toward the end of his amazing career, the legend Boris Karloff was so intent on working well into his late seventies that he often accepted roles in films that…well, to put it nicely, just weren’t worthy of his presence. He finished his remarkable career with a few real duds; therefore most Karloff fans just pretend that his last film was 1968’s excellent and challenging Targets, a movie that contrasted the horrors of the great Universal Monsters era with the modern horror of the real world.

But a few years before that, betwixt career reviving turns with Vincent Price in The Raven and The Comedy of Terrors, our buddy Uncle Uncanny found himself in maybe the most unique role he had ever played; a vampire in The Wurdulak segment of the Mario Bava anthology Black Sabbath.

Screen Shot 2016-07-16 at 12.24.05 PM

Karloff’s segment (aside from his strange “hosting” turn, complete with Italian overdubs) is really atmospheric, unusual and worth watching all on its own, and the same can be said for another spooky portion of the film, The Telephone, about a…ahem…call girl who receives disturbing, Scream-like, rape-y phone messages from a client of hers who just happens to be imprisoned. I won’t give away the twist… yeah, very Scream indeed.

But it’s the segment titled The Drop of Water that most people who’ve seen this film tend to remember the most…because it’s really freaking creepy.

I watched the film for the first time one night by myself, not really expecting much other than the charms of the era and the pleasure of watching Uncle Boris do his thing. However, The Drop of Water honestly and truly gave me something that I hadn’t gotten from a horror movie in quite a few years: a nightmare.

I felt giddy as I watched the tale unfold, about a nurse who makes the rather unwise decision of stealing the ring from the corpse of a medium (who passed away during a séance) while preparing the body. Why someone would do such a thing, after all the years of hearing the multiple campfire stories that revolve around that particular set of circumstances (“Bloody bones, bloody bones…”) is anyone’s guess. BUT, she did it anyway.

And in the moment when the countess rises from the bed and floats toward her, hovering a couple feet from the ground while she stares deep into her soul from unmoving, sunken eyes…I’m sure the nurse had a quick series of regrets.

I realized that I was laughing giddily during that scene; the kind of laughter that would be referred to as “nervous”. This is something that doesn’t happen to a hardened, desensitized horror fan very often. In fact, the most recent time it happened to me before watching Black Sabbath was during an ill-advised late night screening of The Exorcist III, another film that I wrongly anticipated watching easily by myself. Most people who have seen Exorcist III can probably guess at the scene in which I nearly fell off of the couch. But anyway…

Black Sabbath is one of those kinda sorta “under the radar” type classics, full of Bava’s best directorial tricks and plenty of mood and atmosphere. It’s also home to one REALLY freaky lookin’ living dead girl, and remains one of the top movies in the latter stage of the outstanding film career of our dear, old Uncle Karloff.

 

roadside attractions

  • Multi-colored rotary dial phone, NWO Wolfpack style
  • Nude bronze Cupid statue
  • Stonehenge like relics in an open field
  • Brooding but cabin-like castle
  • Boris Karloff’s afro
totals

7

blood  

BLOOD

– Some extremely questionable paint-like substance under the jagged end of a dagger

– A suspiciously rubbery head that Karloff gleefully pulls from a bag and hangs outside

– Oddly realistic small splatters on neck bite marks

– Seeping through white shirts after off-screen violence

2

blood  

BREASTS

Surprisingly few for a film with a segment about a call girl. NONE in the Drop of

Water story. Thankfully. THANKFULLY.

 

8

beast  

BEASTS

– Spotted horses galore

– Freaky ass zombie girl

– Incessantly howling wolf

– Wurdulak…er, corpse that wants blood…er, VAMPIRE

– Disturbing child Halfling who says “Momma” outside the window with a reverb-y voice


7.7 OVERALL
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May

posted by Doktor | May 28, 2016 | 80's b-movies, Action, Fantasy, Review by Doktor

Comments Off on The Devil’s Sword

Ermahgerd I Are Died

Indonesia: home of Sumatra coffee, the Komodo Dragon, and Ratno Timoer, the man responsible for unleashing The Devil’s Sword upon the world. The first two Indonesians are proud to claim, the latter, eh… maybe not so much. See, The Devil’s Sword is a sword and sorcery film where the action is feet slapping, the special effects are blurry and cheap, and a man’s hair is business in the front and party in the back (see the trailer below). The Devil’s Sword is such an awesomely bad film that it was begging for a Lost Highway Walk Thru, and if that’s not grounds for disowning a person I don’t know what is. I mean, that trailer is insane, right?

If you didn’t just watch it, do so now. Seriously.

Now that you have an inkling what you’re in for, let’s get started.

Laser PalmsIn the beginning the sun sets somewhere in space, Master Grandpa sits zazen in his rock garden, and a blue meteorite hurtles through the void as meteorites are wont to do.

Master Grandpa is so good at meditating, or so relaxed from the dollar sake bombs at Sushi Sushi Sushi, that he does not notice the blue meteorite as it buzzes past. The resulting explosion does, however, break his concentration, or nap, or whatever it is he is doing in the garden.

Annoyed the blue meteorite has ruined his mellow and destroyed his garden, Master Grandpa collects the damnable thing and lugs it home. There he sets the space rock on fire and forges the burning mess into The Devil’s Sword.

As he pulls the mighty weapon from the fire the blade sparkles with the glory of a thousand gay pride parades. Yet surprisingly the red hot metal does not burn his fingers as he caresses its length. Perturbed, hungover, and likely dehydrated from the events of the evening, Master Grandpa snaps. In his rampage he destroys his hut in a pity party worthy of the most spoiled of sweet 16 birthday monsters, or the Hulk, whichever is statistically more devastating at this point in time.

That confusing mess out of the way, the movie cuts to a scene of a celebration, or rite-of-passage, or something. There are barely clothed villagers decked out in extravagant head dresses carrying lots and lots of palm frowns laden with fruit. As it turns out, it is Sacrifice Day. On Sacrifice Day a young man is offered to the “invisible” Crocodile Queen of the river. The ritual involves throwing the boy into the river where he is met by a group Crocodile Mans—Crocodile Queens half-man, half-crocodile, half man-bear-pig minions—who escort him to the Crocodile Queen’s Lair.

In other words, whichever young idiot The Village is most fed up with is sent to a horrible end. The old ways really are the best ways.

Cut to the Crocodile Queen’s lair. There is some groovy reversed film footage where the Crocodile Queen’s sash floats up and out of the water. Then, a minute later, she and her wenches follow.

Note: Invisible apparently means the exact opposite in Indonesia what it means in English because she is quite visible.

Anyhow, The Crocodile Queen’s sacrificial young stud is not put to death, rather, he is used for his youthful wiles. And not just him, all the previous “sacrifices” join in. You see, Crocodile Queen is a whore and she needs to get her ménage à many on.

Back at The Village, the villagers move on to the Festival of Lurv. There’s no sense in wasting the decorations, fire breather, and fruit from Sacrifice Day, right? The Festival of Lurv is the sanctified version of Sacrifice Day. At the center is the lovely couple Princess Peter the Pure and Sanjala the Son-in-Law who are getting married. Boy is it a sight to see! The Sword Swinger is swinging his sword. The Justice of the Peace is lighting joss sticks and shimmying rhythmically in the smoke. Everyone is happy.

Everyone but Crocodile Queen.

Ride RocksDespite getting her sacrifice only minutes earlier, Crocodile Queen is not amused. She cannot stand seeing someone else have their nuptials. So she summons Bob to stop the wedding, as only he is capable of such a task. And by that she means only he has the special parkour skill of kicking a boulder and then riding it into town, not his fighting skills. No fighting skills are needed to take The Village. Gandhi, after a month long fast, could take The Village, the villagers are such wimps. They go down faster than a crackhead working for a fix.

The only person in The Village who can hold her own is Princess Peter. She uses her impressive looking, but ultimately worthless, Umbrella Attack. She twirls the umbrella in Bob’s direction, who is blown back by the force of the wind it generates. She then throws the umbrella at him, missing by a mile. Weaponless and spent, she gets her butt handed to her.

The screaming villagers flee like extras in Godzilla films. Conveniently Mandella the Lesser (note the double L, not Mandela, the former President of South Africa), the hero, happens to be out on his afternoon horsey ride. Intrigued by all the commotion, Mandella investigates. Understandably he is disappointed to find it is only Bob attacking the village and not a giant Kaiju.

In a twist straight out of the standard playbook, it turns out that Bob and Mandella were Kung Fu students under the same master, Master. Bob is the evil one (duh!). Mandella is the good one (duher!). What’s more, Bob is not intrinsically evil, he only turned evil because Master loved Mandella best.

Bob’s no match for Mandella (duhest!), so he conjures up some Crocodile Mans to fight for him. They distract Mandella by throwing special reptile hair on him, tangling him up. Mandella is out of action just long enough for Bob to pimp slap Sanjala the Son-in-Law out cold and hop away with him. Literally he hops away.

Note: Hopping is the Indonesian equivalent of tea-bagging your opponent. Get thee to a burn unit, Mandella!

Bob delivers Sanjala the Son-in-Law to the Crocodlie Queen who partakes of Sanjala the Son-in-Law’s endowments, such as they are.

Crocodile Queen is a whore.

Meanwhile, Master is crawling around on the ground outside his hut, bloody and broken. He calls telepathically to Mandella for help. Hearing Master’s call, Mandella races home. When he arrives he finds Master unconscious in a pool of his own blood. Deeply concerned for Master’s well being, Mandella proceeds to shake and sling him around like a rented, red-haired step-child. When Master tells Mandella he is dying from Poison of the Red Snake, which is really bad since it has a proper name, Mandella tosses him on the bamboo bed and makes a Taco Bell run.

In the Crocodile Lair, Crocodile Queen is getting some Hootchie Cootchie Lick ‘Em Yum Yums in the fire pit. Her lurvin’ may be hot but no one gets burned.

Crocodile Queen is a whore.

In Random Forest, Mandella gets the explosive mushroom to make tea for Master. Mandella is either trying to give Master a free life or give him one last trip before he dies. Considering that he plans to cut off Master’s legs to stop the poison from spreading, either, or more likely both, are the case. I write cut, but that’s not entirely correct. Mandella uses a hot sword to SAW off Master’s legs just below the knees. Then, as Master is shrieking in agony, Mandella scoops him up in a loving embrace determined to cuddle him back to health.

In a tender voice Master whimpers, “Mandella. Kill. Me.”

Unified Legion of EvilCut to later that evening and Master is all better now. Master recounts, i.e.has a flashback fight scene, to show what happened. In it we learn that all the evil warriors of the world, all four of them, have decided to fight together as the United Legion of All the Evil Warriors of the World.

Master tells Mandella the only way to defeat The ULAEWW is to get The Devil’s Sword from Devil’s Mountain. Also, he returns the terrible refrigerator art Mandella painted back in Kindergarten. Master is an old, legless cripple, and as such no longer has the will to pretend he values garbage. Plus he has never had, nor ever will have, a fridge to put it on anyway.

With a tear in his eye, Mandella heads off to Devil’s Mountain.

Mandella runs into Princess Peter along the way. The Village destroyed and all the villagers killed, she wants to go with Mandella. Unfortunately, Princess Peter is a woman and therefore not worthy of such exploits as Mandella has in front of him. Princess Peter does not take no for an answer. She does have to take being left in the dust as an answer because, on foot, she’s no match for Mandella on horseback. Or is she? A quick jump cut and Princess Peter’s not only caught up, but far enough ahead to cut Mandella off. Reluctantly, and because it’s in the script, he lets her join.

In the Crocodile Lair, Crocodile Queen uses her Bird Bath God Cam to track Mandella and Princess Peter. She realizes they are headed to the Mountain of Swords (previously Devil’s Mountain—whatever, it’s not like anyone is paying attention at this point). Crocodile Queen sends Bob to stop them, with her blessings. By blessings I mean they have the sexuals.

Crocodile Queen is a whore.

In a stalling tactic to draw out runtime, Mandala and Princess Peter cannot get across the lake to the Mountain of Swords. The lake is, like, 200 feet across. So they stand there looking stupid until a ferry comes. The ferry’s pilot is a Rent-a-center Charon, which explains why they could not just swim, or walk, around the perimeter. Namely, Charon is production value.

Halfway across Lake Certain Death, Crocodile Mans attack. There is more groovy reverse footage action of the Crocodile Mans jumping onto the ferry. A lame fight ensues and even Charon gets in on the action. He uses a bamboo spear to impale a Crocodile Mans, which is interesting because the ferry has NOTHING on it. So where did he get the spear? The raft itself is made of bamboo suggesting he pulled one of the rods off, carved it to a point, and threw it into the Crocodile Mans. Yet there was not enough time for him to do so, no knife for him to use, nor are there any missing bamboo planks. Eh, whatever.

EwWhile Princess Peter, Mandella, and Charon are fighting Crocodile Mans, The ULAEWW take the quick root, i.e. walked around Lake Certain Death. At the mouth of the Devil’s Mountain of Swords the fraternity disintegrates. They decide to have a final battle to see who’s going to get The Devil’s Sword.

Aw! I was so proud of them working together. Oh, well.

Boom, bip, pow! Flying Guillotine is out first. Snake Man and Old Hag team up against Bob. Or, at least, that is what Snake Man believes. Actually, Old Hag is playing Snake Man. As they form up, i.e. as Old Hag jumps on Snake Man’s shoulders, instead of becoming Voltron, Old Hag becomes Betraytron. She whips Snake Man in the face and Bob slices open his gut. And so Snake Man, like Monica Lewinsky, goes down crying.

Now the real alliance is revealed. Old Hag and Bob are going to share the Devil’s Sword. They start off into the cave. Being the first-class gentleman he is, Bob allows Old Hag to enter the cavern first. In a move Helen Keller saw coming way back in 1900, after only two steps Bob cuts Old Hag in half.

Old Hag is no fool, but more importantly, as Betraytron, she is able to join back up with any severed part. So her torso jumps back onto her legs and she continues to fight. Ultimately she is no match for Bob. Bob chops off her head and kicks a rock after it, pinning it into a crevice in the mountain face. Old Hag’s body jumps to rejoin with the severed head and in doing so she blows up. Don’t ask.

Moving on…

Bob scales the mountain face just as Mandella and Princess Peter show up. Mandella heads in to get the sword, while Bob lies in wait a la Beloc in Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark. Death Mountain Sword Place, or whatever the hell it’s called at this point, is full of silly booby traps, bubbling water, and a cyclops Rock Monster. Mandella dispatches them all easily. He finds the Devil’s Sword and some other something wrapped in a black cloth lying randomly on the ground. Naturally, as he picks them up the mountain starts to collapse.

Cut to outside where Bob is waiting. He is holding a sword to Princess Peter’s neck. He threatens to kill Princess Peter unless Mandella gives him The Devil’s Sword, blah, blah, blah. They fight.

Pow! Whap! Smack! Bob is sent back to Crocodile Queen with his tail between his legs.

Because Bob failed to get The Devil’s Sword, Crocodile Queen has her crocodile statue use its Fire Laser Breath attack on Bob, which misses completely. It does startle Bob, so there’s that. Crocodile Queen’s top henchman, Staff Guy, attacks Bob, confusing him temporarily. Between the startling and confusion, Bob is weakened to the point where Crocodile Queen can use her Unusually Long Scarf Attack. First she uses the scarf to choke him. Then she wraps him up and throws him into the Lurv Fire Pit. Since there’s no blessing, i.e. Hootchie Cootchie Lick ‘Em Yum Yums, Bob burns to death.

Poor Bob.

Mandella and Princess Peter enter. Crocodile Queen flaunts her control of Sanjala the Son-in-Law which sends Princess Peter into a rage. Their forces divided, Princess Peter is easily captured and Mandella succumbs to Crocodile Queen’s Mesmerskank-Stare attack. With Mandella under her spell, she unleashes the Croco-Orgy! Croco-Orgy is less erotic and more a group grand mal seizure.

Crocodile Queen is a whore.

Princess Peter cannot partake. She’s locked in stocks and tied to the wall. She can only watch and pout. Actually, from the looks of the Croco-Orgy, she got the better end of the deal.

Toilet PaperElsewhere, Master Grandpa is out for his evening float. He stops over at Master’s shack. Master Grandpa informs Master that Mandella is in a most dire circumstance. That is, caught in Crocodile Queen’s Croco-Orgy with no prophylactics.

Crocodile Queen is a filthy whore.

Master knows he has to do something to help Mandala but does not know what he can do. Inwardly Master laments, “How in the hell am I supposed to help Mandella? I ain’t got no legs, man!” But before he opens his mouth and puts his stump in it he remembers his telepathic earring.

The power of the glowing earring proves to be a worthy cockblocking device, effectively ending Mandella’s good time. Mandella finished early so, whatever.

Time for the final fight.

For some reason Mandella fights the thugs hand-to-hand. It is only after fighting Staff Mans for a few minutes that Mandella remembers, “The Devil’s Sword.”

Why did he go through all the trouble of getting The Devil’s Sword? Eh, never mind.

In the course of rest of the fight with Staff Mans, Mandella accidentally gut slices the crocodile statue, which hurts Crocodile Queen. Finally, her weakness exposed! Mandella stabs the crocodile statue in the throat, which causes it to explode. Without the power of the crocodile statue to tie the lair together, Crocodile Queen reverts into the ancient hag she really is. Mortally weakened Mandella gives her a right good gut chop, causing her to turn into a crocodile, her TRUE form.

So EvilWithout the Crocodile Queen the lair blows up.

The End.

Unfortunately, no, it didn’t blow up with Mandella, Princess Peter, and Sanjala the Son-in-Law in it. They made it out fine. There’s a goodbye scene before “The End” flashes on the screen. But if you stop the movie right as the lair explodes The Devil’s Sword closes with a happy ending.

roadside attractions

  • MARVEL! at Old Hag’s toothless mouth close-ups which reveal the poor sharpie skills of the make-up effects artists!
  • SEE! things moving backwards but going forwards!
  • ENDURE!  scenes of Hootchie Cootchie Lick ‘Em Yum Yums worthy of libido killing Sexual Education films from the 1950s!
  • WITNESS! Kung Fu fighting that’s fierce as a slug reading brail!
  • BEHOLD! something as things happen, or not!
totals

10 blood  

BLOOD

Lots of Louisana Hot Sauce was  spilled to make this movie, plus some other stuff that is best left unknown.

0 blood  

BREASTS

None. There is the Croco-Orgy (but that should drop this into the negative numbers). 

 

10 beast  

BEASTS

The United Legion of All the Evil Warriors of the World, Crocodile Mans, and the Cyclops Rock Monster.

 

OVERALL 6.66
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