The Lost Highway's B-movie Reviews and Cult Films
Jan

posted by Barry Goodall | January 18, 2012 | Feature, News

Comments Off on A Letter to the Editor

dumpster

We received this letter today along with a delicious pecan pie wrapped in a used Wonderbread sandwich bag. We are currently working with local police to resolve this matter and find out how to get more pie.


To: Lost Highway



I’m not rightly sure who I need to direct this to, but I figure it only fair I let y’all know what happened.
It was an accident, really; I mean; this broad was crazy! She came in to the diner, muttering something about patty melts and proper place settings, and plopped herself down in a booth. I went over and gave her a cup of coffee, and ran down the specials. She ordered Bubba’s Barnyard Slaughter breakfast, which isn’t unusual at 3am; folks tend to crave chicken fried meats in the night, so it didn’t ruffle my petticoats. What did raise my eyebrow was the way she cut her eggs; all symmetrical and weird. I had other tables to tend to, so I didn’t pay her too much attention. I dropped her check, and the next thing I know, she was gone, her money on the table. Exact change, no tip! That pissed me off a little, but it happens.


Anyway, I’m taking the garbage out around 4:45, and I hear a ruckus at the dumpster. I turned the corner, and there she was, throwing bags and stuff into MY dumpster! I hollered at her, and she turned on me.


She looked wild, man! All sweaty and breathing heavy- Her eyes were crazy! She smiled all wide and toothy at me, and said something like she’d “be just a minute,” and kept on tossing stuff from this huge bag in to the garbage- and it was a nice bag, too; lots of nice pockets and things- I got closer to her, and hollered at her again to just go on, split, sister! and that crazy fool, she pulled a friggin butcher knife on me!


I told her to be cool, I wasn’t looking for a fight, she just needed to scram, I wouldn’t call the cops or nothing! She wasn’t listening, and she came at me, big as Christmas! I swung that bag of swill I was carrying right into her, and it busted all over her. Coffee grounds, cigarette butts, food… oh, it was nasty! She screamed and dropped her knife, she fell to her knees in all that yucky stuff, and looked at me. Before she could say or do anything, Bubba cracked her skull with his skillet. I guess the racket made him come outside to see what was going on, and he won’t abide by anyone pulling a stunt like that at his diner.


Well, nothing we could really do at that point, she was worm food. I looked through her bag, and some of what she was putting in the trash; it looked like she had been on the lam for a while. Lots of newspaper clippings and prescription bottles. There was also this huge binder full of movies and articles and stuff, where I found your email address.


So, long story short, Donna Bleed has shuffled off this mortal coil. I couldn’t help but notice she wrote about crazy movies, there’s a whole list here I guess she was planning to watch; and if there’s one thing I love, it’s a drive-in movie; so I figured since I’m indirectly responsible for smashing her brains in, and directly responsible for wrapping her body in visqueen and sticking it in the walk-in freezer, I could take up her slack for y’all.


Don’t worry; Aside from this letter here , we fry-o-lated all her other stuff, except for that swanky bag and her car. I’m more than happy to watch movies so other folks don’t have to!
If y’all are ever in the neighborhood, stop on by; we’re always open, and the pie is to DIE for!


Blood and Kisses,
Die-Anne Takillya

Jan

posted by Barry Goodall | January 13, 2012 | Feature, Slasher

Comments Off on Get your Jason on… with T-shirt Bordello

Friday the 13th

Friday the 13th is a day that conjures up walking under ladders, broken mirrors, black cats crossing your path and a really ticked off goalie making mince meat out of big breasted teenagers, yeah that includes the annoying chubby guy. Well at Lost Highway we feel today is like a national holiday and as a result we plan to get drunk and start sorting our power tools. So while we likely take a trip to ReadyCare you should stop over at the T-shirt bordello and consider buying one of these amazing Jason inspired t-shirts and for today only they are offering them for only $10 each!!! Yes, they ‘re slashing prices and passing the bodies on to you.
T-shirt bordello is one of our new advertising partners and is offering some amazing horrific and humorous t-shirts for your favorite co-ed camper guidance counselor so hurry up and get your Jason on and tell em’ Lost Highway sent ya.
Jan

posted by Barry Goodall | January 7, 2012 | 70's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Grindhouse, Review by Barry Goodall

Comments Off on Long Weekend

Long Weekend

An Australian couple parks their old car at a campsite and go tromping through the wilderness while getting the smack down from mother nature in 1978’s “Long weekend.” Marcia (Briony Behets) is the whiny self absorbed wife, while John Hargreaves plays Peter, a surfer dude whose more worried about his dog than their relationship. They’ve been bickerin’ ever since Marcie had an affair which ended with an abortion and Peter hopes a trip to a secluded beach might help smooth things over. Long WeekendNobody in town had ever heard of their secret vacation spot so they end up running over a kangaroo and listening to their mandatory Men at Work cassettes instead. After sleeping the night in the jeep they discover that the beach was right next to them to whole time. Apparently, nobody noticed that big blue ocean thing that whole time.

Most of their camping days are spent choppin’ down trees, spraying insecticide and leaving garbage everywhere. Marcie smashes some eagle eggs, shoots a sea cow and Peter gets in a quick round of target practices with a flock of seagulls. Not a couple you’ll likely see at a PETA rally. Fortunately Mother nature fights back and Peter gets dive bombed by a bald eagle (…Heck YEAH AMERICA!!!) and then gets sucker punched by a fruit hoarding possum.

At night they hear ghostly cries of the dead sea cow and Marcia starts going completely bonkers taking off with the jeep leaving Peter alone with just a harpoon and his overwhelming body funk to defend himself. The sea cow carcass shows up again for the solo-beach party but even closer to camp than before and Peter has to torch it like a deep fried turkey. Meanwhile, Marcia who senses danger about as well as a bowl of oatmeal, gets stuck in a heap of spider webs only to be harpooned by Peter who mistakes her for a land roving sea cow. Consider the divorce final.

Long WeekendPeter in his grief wanders back through the woods, gets attacked by some woodchucks and ends up getting side swiped by a semi-truck on the highway. Thus putting an end to the worse ever honeymoon and the longest anti- littering campaign in film history. I’d hoped they’d get gnawed to death by a rare red-back sloth, or maybe smothered by rabid Koalas instead. There’s just so many other painful ways to die in Australia (#25 on the rejected Australia tourism slogan list.)

Barry Goodall says talk a walkabout and check out “Long Weekend.” You’ll be thankful your relationship isn’t as bad as these two drongos and remember to  always keep the harpoon safety on during domestic disputes.

roadside attractions

  • Surfer skeet shooting
  • Bald eagle attack
  • Possum mugging
  • Sea cow stalking
  • Harpoon to the throat
  • Littering
  • kangaroo hit n’ run
totals

6

blood

BLOOD

A few good gushers but most of it’s from a wounded sea cow.

7

blood

BREASTS

Australian topless sunbathing, it’s mandatory.

9

beast

BEASTS

Snakes, sea cows, eagles, spiders, ants, birds, kangaroos, and a possum. It’s like a prison break at the Zoo.

8.00 OVERALL
dripper

Check out the trailer for “Long Weekend”

trailers

dripper
Dec

Comments Off on Night of the Comet

Night of the Comet

As Pa Sixon used to say, “Does this look infected?” Wait. I mean, “Christmas ain’t about bein’ with people ya like. It’s about bein’ with family.” And bein’ with family is a main theme of the 1984 post-apocalyptic-zombie-horror-romance-comedy, Night of the Comet.

Christmas is around the corner for sunny California and Santa, or perhaps maybe the Krampus, is bringin’ one heck o’ a gift: a comet. We learn it is, more or less, the same comet what knocked out the dinosaurs 65 million years ago. Shoot, ya don’t a comet for that—just feed ‘em some of Ma Sixon’s tuna surprise served at room temperature. While everyone is partying about the comet (because I guess that is what you do in California when home owners and mortgage insurance liabilities don’t matter because the Apocalypse is coming), Regina (Catherine Mary Stewart) is stuck workin’ at the local movie theater—which involves beating a mysterious high score on Tempest and scoring with the projectionist in the booth (to use the film’s vernacular, “making it”). Ah, to be an 18 year old girl in the 80’s again.

Night of the Comet

Back home, Regina’s mouthy little sis, Sam (Kelli Maroney), gets slapped around by her step mom—who is throwin’ a comet party of her own. One problem: once the comet arrives, everyone outside is turned to dust. And those what ain’t turned to dust, are turned into zombies. Regina wakes up after a night o’ lovin’ to find the streets filled with piles of dust, and a dash of occasional zombie. A tender moment ensues when Regina finds Sam, now (thankfully) clad in a cheerleader outfit. In an effort to find survivors, the pair goes to the local radio station (which has more neon lights than a Blade Runner convention in Las Vegas). At the station, they meet future Star Trek Voyager regular, Hector (Robert Beltran). That’s right, Commander Chakotay comes to the rescue.

Uh, sort of. As we learn, the girls’ dad is in the military–he trained the pair how to fight and use guns, so they can handle themselves (although Sam wishes Hector would handle her).

Night of the Comet

Because the film was made in the ‘80s, we are treated to a shopping montage set to a non-Lauper version of Girls Just Want to Have Fun, while Regina and Sam have the run of the mall. This was a requirement for most ‘80s films, along with Steve Gutenberg. Meanwhile, there is a secret underground group, with a maze for a logo, keeping tabs on survivors. They decide to bring a few back to the base, and hilarity ensues. By which I mean, stuff gets blown up.

Deep down, Night of the Comet is about family: two sisters are on their own and realize, despite pissin’ each other off from time to time, they are all they have. The girls also realize they need to stick together with Hector if they want to survive (and Regina hopes her and Hector really stick together), and form a new family o’ sorts.

While fairly tame by today’s standards, there is enough blood and violence to go around, and Night of the Comet leans heavily toward the goofy side of the post-apocalyptic meter. Night of the Comet, like any quality b-movie, is a campy, blood-soaked hoot. Give this one a watch–just don’t forget yer hairspray and leotard.


Tiger Sixon is forced to watch B-movies from the comfort of a secret government base in Death Valley. He looks nothing at all like Daniel J. Hogan (@danieljhogan) who draws the comic Clattertron.

roadside attractions

  • neon lights
  • leotards
  • cheerleading outfit
  • sunglasses at night
  • shopping montage
  • zombies
  • future star trek actors
  • retro video games
  • exploding cars
  • blood stealing
  • keyboard whacking
  • big hair
  • bloody wrenches
  • secret bases
  • MAC-10s
totals

6

blood

BLOOD

Not too bloody, but plenty it when it counts.

5

blood

BREASTS

While we never see Sam totally topless, she gets down to a bra in one scene, and jumps up and down in a nighty in another.

10

beast

BEASTS

Lots of zombie action, including kid zombies.

7.00 OVERALL
dripper

Check out the trailer for “Night of the Comet”

trailers

dripper
Dec

Comments Off on The 12 B’s of Christmas

The Highway Mutants after drinking a lot of expired egg nog came up with this list of b-movies to watch this holiday season. Here’s their 12 B’s of Christmas.

from Donna Bleed.
On the 1st day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a cop in a wife beater shirt

Die Hard
“Explosions, gunfights, Bruce Willis screaming like a wookie, foul language that upsets grandma, and of course, Christmas in Hollis being blasted in a limousine. What more could you ask for?”

On the 2nd day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 2 creeper phone calls.

Black Christmas
“I know, cliche, but this is one of the best psycho-in-the-house movies ever made. Drink more wine, Margot, it’ll be alright!”

On the 3rd day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 3 annoying rich kids.

Home Alone
“Shut up. It’s funny, alright? DON’T JUDGE ME!”

On the 4th day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 4 groping Santas.

Christmas Evil
“It’s no Silent Night, Deadly Night; but it’s all about who’s naughty and nice, and knowing that it really doesn’t matter, everybody’s gonna get snuffed!”

from Andrew Peters

On the 5th day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 5 catholic school nuns.

Silent Night, Deadly Night
“I remember renting these movies in the big box as a kid, so these always strike me as my holiday movies as opposed to Charlie Brown’s Christmas Special or A Christmas Story. SNDN is about a boy whose parents are murdered and he’s raised in an orphanage, abused and confused. He grows up and plays Santa at a local toy store he works for. This sets him off on a killing rampage with eerie music and great gore effects (although most of these are only seen in the uncut version).”

On the 6th day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 6 wrestling has-beens.

Santa With Muscles
“This is one of those movies where my parents took me to the video store around the holidays and told me to pick out a movie. Like the foolish child I was, I immediately spied one with Hulk Hogan wearing a Santa hat and thought, “Oh wow! This one has Hulk Hogan! This is sure to be a treat!” But I would find out that this treat is made from dog crap and pig vomit. This movie is the equivalent of my older brother tricking me into something I didn’t want to do. Lousy acting and a plot that involves Hogan playing an obnoxious fitness guru who gets amnesia and thinks he’s Santa. It’s sappy and horrible, but it’s worth a laugh.”

On the 7th day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 7 killer snowmen.

Jack Frost
“A murder becomes a vengeful snowman. Frosty goes Jeffery Dahmers.”

On the 8th day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 8 impromptu c-sections.

Inside
“The French are crazy. First High Tension and now this. A woman waiting to give birth on Christmas Eve is trapped in her home, when a stranger arrives and wants to carve the baby out of her stomach. Now, there is a reason behind all of this and it’s quite a gory experience. As with and dubbed movie, the dubbing is atrocious, but everything else is entertaining and frightening. Easily one of my favourite holiday movies.”

from Tiger Sixon

On the 9th day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 9 fury Magwais


Gremlins
“A great cautionary tale ‘bout exercising good judgment when pickin’ out a gift for yer little one.”

On the 10th day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 6 80’s flashbacks.


Scrooged
“A very ‘80s retelling of the oft-remade A Christmas Carol, featuring the scroogiest Scrooge of them all, Bill Murray.”

On the 11th day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 11 Vern shout outs

Ernest Saves Christmas (1988)
” The lovable and goofy Ernest does his best to save the holiday. Ernest even sings”

On the 12th day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 12 shots for rabies

Batman Returns
Even the Batman celebrates Christmas. Instead of leaving lumps of coal, he just leaves lumps on someone’s head.

About the Highway

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