The Lost Highway's B-movie Reviews and Cult Films
Dec

posted by Barry Goodall | December 15, 2011 | B-movies, Feature, Shopping

Comments Off on The Lost Highway B-movie Survival Gift Guide

Christmas time is here and so is the holiday shopping season. What can you get the little mutants in your life who already have everything? Well nothing, they’re lucky to even have a roof over there heads. However if they’re ever stuck in a b-movie, we have a list of must have items for their survival. Check out the list below for practical gifts to help make this the Swaziest Christmas ever.


Satellite enhanced Rescue Device

People always bring their cell phones on a camping trip but rarely in a b-movie do they ever get a signal. We suggest the ACR Satellite 3 406 Cat II EPIRB with satellite uplink so you can be rescued or at least the authorities can easily find your body. Double the technology, double your chances of survival.


Meat Cutting Kit
Need to dismember any cabin friends who have been turned into demonic drooling monsters? This custom meat cutting kit will help get rid of even the tiniest parts for quick easy burial or fridge storage. Garbage bags and a police alibi not included.


Woman Running Shoes
Ladies, it’s time to ditch those high heels on those camping trips. No more tripping and falling while being chased by a masked psycho.These quality running shoes not only look great, but will help you burn calories while avoiding that machete.


Air Cleaner
Sure, you’ve been summoning demons from the underworld all day, but you’ve got dinner guests coming over at 5 and your house smells like the devil’s armpit. We suggest this heavy duty air cleaner to help. It won’t get rid of the evil, but it will just smell like it did.


Anti-Zombie Survival Kit
As seen on the hit TV show “The Walking Dead.” It’s every blade you’ll ever need against a zombie horde. It’s like a smorgasbord of zombie slaying. Just don’t take too long to decide with blade to use or you could end up zombie chow.


No-Flat Tire Kit
Tired of getting a flat tire in front of old creepy mansions and then having to knock on their door for help ending up a lab experiment in their basement? This tire kit that will seal up your tire tighter than a swamp creature’s sphincter muscle. Also good for helping seal walls that are maybe leaking… or bleeding.


Cross Bow
This high-tech cross bow is great against vampire with optional sharpened wooden arrows (not included). Evil beware when the renaissance festival lets out and everyone grabs one of these babies on sale. Now this is a stake well done.


Super Soaker – Filled with Holy Water
Good for purging demons and vampires or just annoying your neighbors dogs. Add garlic spice sauce for extra colorful exploding undead. It’s like a holywater carwash.


Hockey Equipment
In the post apocalyptic world, gas will be in short supply, cities will be decimated…and there won’t be any place to buy a good pair of cargo pants. Luckily there will be plenty of hockey equipment lying around since there’s no more ice rinks. It might not look good but could be a great defense against a outlander psycho whose been drinkin’ washer fluid and wants to use your skull as a flip top trash can.


Hovercraft
Need to get away in a hurry? Why not hop in your personal hovercraft. Flee from that evil haunted swamp, fly over that flooded bridge and get home just in time to watch “Dancing with the Stars.” It even has two seats so pick the friend you like most and say adios to the rest of the zombie bait.


Stud Detector
Help find secret passages in the walls of that creepy mansion you just bought dirt cheap on Craig’s List. Watch out for hidden dead bodies and gateways to hell.


Latin Translation Book
Don’t you hate it when you discover an ancient book bound in human flesh but can’t read it’s ancient Latin writing? Well now you can translate it and raise demons until the cows come home. Also great for reading warnings scrawled in blood on cave walls. Look for the iphone app for demonic resurrection on the go.


Chuck Norris Book
Yeah, we thought it was an oxymoron as well seeing Chuck Norris and the word “book” together, but now you can learn how to dodge bullets, or shoot in the general direction the bad guys and hit them all. There’s an extensive tips on beard grooming and includes a free certificate for being a honorary Texas Ranger. Round-house kick to the face not included.


EMF Sensor
Sure you got a great deal on that quaint little house in Maine next to the old cemetery, but it’s only because there’s been dozens of grizzly deaths there since the civil war. Now detect whether ghosts are hiding out in the kitchen and prove to your neighbors that you aren’t insane…you’re just really creepy.


Grow a Frog Kit
Is your city being overrun by giant mutant flies? Create your own giant frog…also easily adaptable to increase the growth of other mutant animals like piranha, ants, alligators. It’s make your own mutant army, just add water…and some radioactive uranium ore if you can find any.


Uranium Ore
Oh look, it’s radioactive Uranium Ore…Amazon really does sell everything.


Nerd Lenses
If you’re a girl, you can greatly increase your chances of survival by appearing at least to be the nerdy quiet white girl. Wear these fake glasses and be sure to avoid having sex, doing drugs or listening to loud rock music.


Anti-UFO Bazooka
Keep it in back of your pickup next to the dog. It’ll help ward off any would be alien abductors cruising in their spaceships for a good time. Probe this ya alien scum!


Armor Suit
Help prevent zombie or demon bitings and subsequent infection with flexible breathable lining. Also ideal for scavenging in a post apocalyptic forbidden zone (see hockey equipment,)


Inflatable Decoys
When being pursued by a masked psycho, you may find them unstoppable killers but they’re also dumb as a log. Dress one up as their dead mother to distract them while you sneak away.


Ancient Pendants
Unleash the unholy powers of ancient Aztech demons and take over the world. Warning, may cause skin lacerations and a uncontrollable tendancy to laugh menacingly at your enemies. You may also have the urge to adopt a hell hound for a pet and name him Mr. Fluff N. Stuff.

Dec

posted by Barry Goodall | December 4, 2011 | 80's b-movies, 80's movies, Action, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Rest stop, Review by Barry Goodall

Comments Off on Total Recall: Rest Stop Review Edition

Before Arnold was flexing his muscle with his maid service and blowing up state budgets as governor, he was blowing up bad guys on the big screen. In Total Recall Arnie plays Doug Quaid, a guy who seems to have a great life jack hammering concrete during the day and hammerin’ Sharon Stone at night. Despite the daily grind, Doug is looking for more out of life and has been having reoccurring dreams about trips to Mars and getting his eyes sucked out of their sockets from decompression. Sounds like fun, so instead of taking a vacation he decides to have the memories of a fake trip to Mars implanted into his giant noggin’ by Rekall, Inc. Things go wrong when the implant doesn’t take and the company has to dump Doug in a robot taxi. Unfortunately his co-workers show up and try to kill him with some post-modern uzis but Arnie snaps their necks like they’re democrat fund raisers. Back at his house, he has a knife fight with his wife for not bringing home eggs and milk and narrowly escapes from a group of thugs led by Michael Ironside. After a brief nasal probing, Doug takes a ship to Mars to find out the secrets of his identity. In the planet’s red light district he teams up with a hooker turned martian revolutionary who likes slapping him around like Ike Turner and she leads him to Kuato, a munchkin martian attached to some slouches stomach. Kuato reads Doug’s memories learning he can free Mars and it’s colonists by activating a mysterious reactor inside a martian temple. It’s theorized it will melt a giant glacier inside a mountain resulting in the planet’s biggest slushy. Doug uses holograms and semi automatics against the evil corporate baron and his goon squad who have cut off oxygen to the mutants. If only he tried the same thing with California. Barry Goodall reminds you to check it out and always wrap a wet towel around your head before getting your butt to Mars.

Roadside Attractions:

– exploding heads
– extreme nasal probes
– triple-breasted martians
– eye bulging
– dwarf with machine guns
– robot cab drivers
– rat shooting
– multiple head shots
– tummy baby mutants
– drill to the gut
– hologram shooting

trailers

dripper
Nov

Comments Off on Thankskilling

It’s a post turkeypocalypse and we’re giving away a signed copy of the best and only thanksgiving horror film, “Thankskilling” on DVD. It’s a great movie to gather the family around after deserts and before the in-laws break out the homemade whiskey. Just post your favorite thanksgiving memory and the funniest wins. Heck you can even make somethin’ up, we ain’tthe feds.  Check out our Lost Highway fan page for more details on how to win.

Now here’s the Doktor’s Review of Thankskilling for those of you that have woken up from your tryptophan coma.

Tagline: Gobble Gobble Mother F****r

Year: 2009 Runtime: 70 min

Director: Jordan Downey

Writer: Jordan Downey (writer), Kevin Stewart (writer), Bradly Schulz (additional dialogue), Anthony Wilson (additional dialogue) & Grant Yaffee (additional dialogue)

Starring: Wanda Lust, Natasha Cordova and Lindsey Anderson

A big bare breast is the first shot. BAM! Straight out the gate. This movie knows exactly who it’s for and where it’s going. Just so there is no confusion, this is NOT the film to pop in after the ball game on Thanksgiving. What the film is: pure fart jokes without the high-brow posturing. Take the “named” actress in the film, porn star Wanda Lust. Nothing says pure class like a second string porn star. And just to be cheeky, she plays a Puritan woman. This film is subtle as a ruptured testicle.

Everything about this movie oozes Grade B Government Cheese. And yet, I find it incredibly hard to believe that Troma had nothing to do with this film. Hmmm… but I digress.

The story is the usual hapless-college-kids-run-into-a-crazed-killer-in-the-woods schtick, but the twist is the killer in this film is a foul-mouthed turkey, named, quite ingeniously, Turkie. As the story goes, Turkie was necromanced by a powerful Native American magician to seek revenge for the indigenous peoples, flora and fauna of North America. When raised, Turkie only goes after the group of people he first encounters. Why? Uhm… Hey, there’s Milk Melons in the first shot!

How does one raise Turkie? Well, I’m glad I asked. There are two ways, and, as the filmmaker could never decide which he liked better, he left both in the film to further confuse and frustrate us. But, hey, there are Paw Patties right off the bat. The first explanation, he just comes back every 505 years in some kind of “now you don’t, now you see him” kind of thing. Granted, that doesn’t make much sense, and it REALLY doesn’t work out mathematically with the first Thanksgiving mentioned in the beginning… but then again, there were Dairy Dumplings in the first shot. The second explanation, someone’s dog can unwittingly pee on his totem pole. Wouldn’t you know it, right after them Sweet Sweater Spuds, we see a local redneck and his dog who are out… uhm… doing something, and the dog pees on this random miniature totem pole. The earth quakes, out shoots some blur and puppy falls down dead.

Oh, and hilarity ensues.

Now, I know that you’re asking yourself, “Hey, why does Turkie go after the college students when he is supposed to only go after the group of people he first encounters, i.e. the redneck and his dog?” To which the answer is: Juicy Jugs! In the first shot!

I could go on, but I don’t want to ruin all the artful expletives and complex plot, so I’ll end with this bit of teaser: Turkie dies in the end.

Still, the film closes with a title card that reads, “To be continued… IN SPACE!”

When I saw that the filmmaker had a Kickstarter project to fund Thankskilling 2 a few months back, I gladly sent my money. Stay tuned for more Turkie, and possibly more Num-Nums.

roadside attractions

  • Rent-A-Center Ted Nugent as the hermit redneck
  • Divorce announced by laying a turd in the coffee pot
  • Cartoon flashback to tell the creation myth
  • Turkie raping the hot brunette
  • Flappy Funbags
totals

8

blood

BLOOD

Head explosion, Turkie busting out of Fat Guy’s stomach, neck slit, tongue and heart pecked out, electric meat carver to the gut, face ripped off, etc

6

blood

BREASTS

Did I mention, Tig Ole’ Bitty is the FIRST SHOT of the film?

6

beast

BEASTS

Turkie the foul-mouthed hand o’ Native American vengence

6.00 OVERALL
dripper

Check out the trailer for “Thankskilling”

trailers

dripper
Nov

posted by Barry Goodall | November 24, 2011 | Holiday films

Comments Off on Happy Turkeypocalypse

Repent the day is here. Prepare your condiments, add another notch to your belt and trip out on a tryptophan overdose. It’s Turkeypocalypse and our clan of highway mutants found some of the best food related scenes on the Internets.

In honor of national bird carnage we’re also giving away a signed copy of the best and only thanksgiving horror film, “Thankskilling” on DVD. It’s a great movie to gather the family around after deserts and before the in-laws break out the homemade whiskey. Check out our Lost Highway fan page for more details on how to win.

…and now the highway mutants give you their best b-movie scenes involving food. Sorry, Gas-X not included.

Food of the Gods
Just like that green mole on my back, Thanksgivin’ is here again. But, unlike the return of my mole, Thankgivin’ at least means a tasty meal. Plenty of B-movies feature food scenes, so here is one of my favorites from, what else, Food of the Goods. -Tiger Sixon

Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child
It’s a Bulimia nervosa nightmare when Freddy starts stuffing his victims like a thanksgiving turkey. Bon apet-die. – Barry Goodall

The Stuff
And up through the ground came a bubblin goo. Alien that is. – Barry Goodall

Troll 2
You don’t piss on hospitality…. or electric fences, but you sure as heck don’t eat food covered in green goo. – Barry Goodall

The Horror Show
This one will make ya wanna steer clear of the butterball turkey this year. – Barry Goodall

Drag me to Hell
Not to be ‘punny,’ but all Hell breaks loose at the dinner table when cursed cutie Christine tries to impress her fiancee’s parents with some down-home cooking. Her Harvest Cake’s main ingredient seems to be flies!
-Donna Bleed

Twilight Zone: The Movie
Poor Helen is subjected to one of the most awkward birthday dinners ever! The food alone is horrifying, but just wait, the terror is just around the corner!-Donna Bleed

Dead Alive
And you thought your Thanksgiving dinners were uncomfortable! -The Doktor

Nov

Comments Off on A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell

I’ll say one thing about A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell: it delivers on its promise. There is a titular nymphoid. Dinosaurs abound. There are barbarians. And there is no shortage of Hell. It is worth notin’ that the title says Nymphoid, not Nymphomaniac, which is what I thought it said. Big difference between the two, and as a result, my Tuesday morning.

Accordin’ to Prof. Wikipedias, nymphoid refers to a nymph, meanin’: A young girl, especially one who inspires lustful feelings.

Makes sense. Lea, said nymphoid, is young and just about every guy in the flick wants to give her saddle a rattle.

Now, compare to nymphomaniac: A woman with excessive sexual desire.

If the flick were A Nymphomaniac Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell, the plot probably wouldn’t move too far. Lea would be lovin’ everythin’ in sight, just like Ma Sixon after her Thanksgivin’ gallon of Wild Turkey.

Nymphoid Barbarian In dinosaur HellBut sadly, there is very little lovin’ in this flick. In fact, more uglies were bumped in Forrest Gump.

This here post-apocalyptic flick opens with Lea explainin’ how the world came to an end over a montage (a “capitalist conspiracy” is mentioned–some thing never change, eh?). Most of the footage in the montage looks like it came from a bunch of other flicks, and that ain’t surprisin’, as Nymphoid was a Troma release. They reuse more old footage than a rerun of America’s Funniest Home Videos.

To sum up: bad stuff happened in the past (see: Nukes), and now the ravaged world is filled with mutants and dinosaur-like beasties. Items of note: Lea claims to be from Tromaville, and she starts her narration with “Dear Diary,” even though, as we learn later, she can barely read.

Tryin’ to survive in this Dinosaur Hell are our nymphoid and her boyfriend, Marn. Yes, when you get right down to it, this flick is a love story. A love story with some road bumps, mind you. Seems like everyone is after Lea. In the first few minutes of the flick, a gang, who looks like a Manowar cosplay, tries to capture and have their way with Lea.

Marn saves Lea, but later on, she gets captured by a pack of reptoids and their master, a poor man’s Kurgan. The group of baddies beat the tar out of Marn, but he is nursed back to health by an old man, who is learned in the ways of public domain literature (he recites the Jabberwocky poem from Through the Looking Glass). After he’s healed up, Marn goes searchin’ for Lea. What we have here is a ‘boy meets girl, boy loses girl, girl meets mutants, boy fights mutants’ kinda love story.

And dinosaurs. Lots of dinosaurs. The effects are classic stop-motion animation, and pretty dang good for a low-budget flick. While there is a fair amount of action, the combat is about as fierce as a third grade stage version of Braveheart: punches and kicks barely connect, and weapons are swung with hesitation. Given that most of the cast played multiple parts, I guess the director didn’t want anyone gettin’ hurt.

Now, this don’t mean the flick is lacking in blood. Nope. Limbs are severed. Baddies are chomped to bits by dinos. Heck, there’s even a bit of cannibalism—just in time for Thanksgivin’!

The acting in A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell is its weakest link, but it only adds to the charm and if you are worried ‘bout the actin’ in a film called A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell, then you are probably watchin’ the wrong movie, friend.

Tiger says, give this one a watch for the stop-motion animation alone, but bring a few beers–or a gallon of Wild Turkey.


Tiger Sixon is forced to watch B-movies from the comfort of a secret government base in Death Valley. He looks nothing at all like Daniel J. Hogan (@danieljhogan) who draws the comic Clattertron.

roadside attractions

  • Nukes
  • Ear biting
  • Tromaville Sign
  • Axe swinging
  • Sword whirling
  • Hesitant combat
  • Cameraman Shadows
  • Reptoid abuse
  • Swamp Men
  • Laundry stealing
  • Leather bikinis
  • Severed limbs
  • Sandworms
  • Stop motion dinosaurs
  • Dinosaur fights
  • Reptoids
  • Public Domain Literature
  • Groping
totals

6

blood

BLOOD

severed limbs and hungry dinos supply plenty of blood. Plus: cannibalism!

2

blood

BREASTS

we see Lea’s mosquito bites for about 39 frames in the final five minutes.

10

beast

BEASTS

A variety of dinos, reptoids, mutants and more.

6.00 OVERALL
dripper

Check out the trailer for “A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell”

trailers

dripper

About the Highway

Lost Highway is your satirical detour down the twisted back roads of b-movies and cult films reviews. learn more >>