The Lost Highway's B-movie Reviews and Cult Films
Jun

posted by Barry Goodall | June 26, 2011 | Shopping

Comments Off on Nightmare on Elm St. 3 prints now available in our gift store

Nightmare on Elm St. 3:  Dream Warriors 11 by 17 high gloss prints available signed by the artist “Steve Jencks” with limited quantities available. Only $10 with free shipping. prints come rolled. Pleasant dreams. Also check out some of the other prints we have available.

Buy Nightmare on Elm St. 3 now for $10.


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Jun

Comments Off on Inheritance

I managed to make it out of the trailer park for a while; I was going stir crazy under that house arrest! You have no idea how pesky those little ankle bracelet trackers can be! Luckily, with the aid of some cooking spray, a pie cutter, and a drifter, I’ve squirreled free and have been on the road for a little while. You have no idea the bother one tiny little missing persons report will bring you! Pat just won’t let it go no matter how many times I tell her that Bert has gone night fishing and I don’t know when he’ll be back. Granted, this trip is a bit longer than
usual, and his car is in the driveway, and the boat is at the dock, but I try not to meddle in his affairs. And yes, I had the carpet ripped up and replaced with E-Z-Kleen Linoleum and bought more than the usual share of bleach and quicklime on our credit card, and the meat tenderizer is missing from the utensil drawer…but that…that shouldn’t raise any eyebrows! Not here at The Lost Highway, anyway.

inheritanceSo that’s where I’ve been, on the road with my dark glasses and my hair all cut off! I’ve broken the mold a bit and have been checking out some newer flicks, some BRAND-SPANKIN’ NEW, and I have to tell
you, that bad movies are timeless. This one I have for you today is a doozy!

The Inheritance (2011) is a thriller that begins with three carloads of people complaining about their family reunion in the dead of winter. The ground is covered in snow, and everyone is whining and complaining about crazy Uncle Melvin (The incomparable Keith David) holding the reunion this time of year. We meet in turn the family: Tyrone, Simpson, Lily, Karen, and Henry. Joining the party are Simpson’s boss Martin, and his wife, Julie. Everyone has their butt on their shoulders until they arrive at the old plantation house and mess around on the snowmobiles after getting a gift from dear Uncle Martin, a box full of champagne and reefer.

Everyone gets messed up; Martin and Julie go upstairs and we get a scene of them making the sign of the epileptic platypus while the rest stay downstairs and have a talk about why they’re all here and basically how much money they’re going to ask their family for. They refer to their family as “The Elders,” which is strange at best, but hey, it’s a family thing. Then they start playing around with the various drums while Simpson reads aloud from a tattered old book.  We know something supernatural is happening because we go into slow motion and Lilly performs an off the cuff ceremonial dance in the living room, then starts flipping out when the words, “THE FLESH IS THE STRENGTH” appear, written in bloody snow on the window. That’s when everyone calls it a night, and Martin and Julie get murdalized.

Now, I don’t know about you, but I’d pretty much just up and leave if I awoke from a dead sleep to one of my aunts or uncles just sitting there staring at me. This family, no, they’re not surprised at all, but jump out of bed for the festivities. And, how, what festivities!

The Elders have moved all the furniture from the living room except for some fur rugs and sigils drawn on the floor, and 5 chairs. The Elders are decked out in ceremonial African garb, they seat the cousins, and Uncle Melvin proceeds to tell the family history…in fantastic flashback!

Back in the days of slavery, their family was all on this plantation. A slave named Chakabazz survived a lynching. Turns out he was a healer and a prophet. He offered them freedom, wealth and power if they sacrificed their firstborns to him. The family brought the children, 3 boys and 2 girls. He does some spell  in his cabin,  all the kids start screaming, and all but one is killed. The one left alive is The Vessel, meant to start the family line over again. Chakabazz tells the adults that they must pay him tribute each generation, “Do not forget me, for I shall not forget you.” Nobody has much to say about this story aside from Simpson, who laughs and insults The Elders, and who is silenced with a slap across the face by Karen. Everyone disperses after a very creepy moment (one of many) between Karen and Uncle Melvin, who promises to talk to The Elders so everyone can ask for their cash later on.

Everyone kinda does their own thing from here, and Karen decides to take a bath. During which she falls asleep and has some bathtub dream sex with the ghost of Chakabazz, and wakes up to none other than Uncle Melvin staring at her! That’s the universal symbol for GET OUT AND FIND AN ADULT YOU CAN TRUST! She dissolves into horrible cramps, and chews on some roots given to her by one of the other Elders, but they don’t do much for the pain, they’re basically tenderizing her insides for the propagation of her family line via more freaky ghost relations.

From here it’s a mess; everyone comes under attack by African warriors, they can’t decide whether to stay in the house or in the car, Lilly drives away only to crash, then the remaining four run back into the house, Lilly’s mom makes a surprise appearance and screams about them not going to take her baby, at which Uncle Melvin laughs creepily and that’s the last we see of her. Everyone else hides in the car, and they try to drive off until they come across Lilly’s car, then find the body of poor Martin in the back and start running through the forest. Simpson breaks a leg and is being dragged by the rest on a makeshift litter, and they stumble across a bonfire and a full-on ritual.

The Elders summon the spirit of Chakabazz to come and take his sacrifice, and soon all we’re left with is Henry and Karen locked in a room in the main house. Henry is busy writing an email to tell the story of what’s happening, when Karen, all hopped up on Chakabazz, takes an axe to his cranium. THEN THE MOVIE ENDS!! OH, CURSE YOU, ABRUPT AND SORTA AMBIGUOUS ENDING!

Through all of this, the tragedy is that the story is awesome, but the movie was ploddy and boring in parts; too much plot got in the way of the story. It’s still worth a watch once or twice!

We’ve got 3 breasts, 1 beast, and 5 quarts blood; head-hacking, creepy uncle lurking, bathtub nookie, drunken ritual dancing, root eating, leg snapping, knife-fu, throat cutting, head on a stick, hatchet-fu, face slapping, spirit summoning,  cannibal ghost relatives, 6 dead bodies.

trailers

dripper
Jun

posted by admin | June 11, 2011 | 50's b-movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Rest stop, Sci-Fi

Comments Off on “War of the Worlds” Rest Stop Edition

Just when I thought aliens with anger management issues had grown tired of attacking planet earth, guess what, it happens yet again. This time the trouble starts when rift raft, calling themselves Martians visit a small town and start mingling with the locals. The townies aren’t very amused when the outsiders use heat lamps on steroids to vaporize their kin folk. And who could blame them? Now, I’m pretty sure things would have turned out better if the aliens had showed up with a giant lemon creme bunt cake instead of with their ray guns a blastin’. And before you can say “Hooah”, the Army has gotten word of the invasion. They quickly arrive with a butt-load of weapons and setup shop. The plan they come up with is to use enough firepower to blow the evil E.T.’s all the way back to their home planet, and worrying about asking questions later. Typical military mentality, isn’t it? But their bone-headed plan fails about as bad as the movie “Zyzzyx Road” did at the box office (it just made $30, really) when the aliens take everything that the army shoots and drops on them, including an A-bomb without even breaking a sweat. Now, I have one question, do alien’s even sweat? It’s just a curiosity thing. Anyway, as soon as the dust settles the aliens go cruisin’ down main street, showing off their shiny new rides but instead of visiting the local watering hole and boozing it up or scoring with some hot earth women, they begin blasting everything in sight to smithereens with their niffty looking shower head shaped death rays.

Then something very strange happens, the Martian Warships begin crashing into stuff like Tiger Woods trying to drive away from his golf club yielding wife. At first I was as confused as Jessica Simpson would be trying to spell the word “cat” during a spelling bee, at what was happening onscreen. But, thankfully, I got the 411 from the narrator in the movie who explained that the aliens were dying, and it wasn’t because they got a wiff of P. Diddy’s breath either. Nope, it turns out some harmless earth germs were the culprit. Well, it serves those alien freaks right for not getting their booster shots before invading our planet. So much for other intelligent lifeforms, huh? If you haven’t seen this old school sci-fi flick already, be sure to give it a look-see. It features an out of this world soundtrack by composer Leith Stevens, some really cool spaceship designs, sound effects, along with plenty of impressive looking hand-crafted sets and visual effects in a time before movie-goers got hooked on bad CGI like a street junkie gets addicted to heroine.

Also, I can’t forget to mention that our friends over at Fright-Rags have a really awesome War of the Worlds T-shirt. So, head on over to www.fright-rags.com and check it out along with their other really cool shirts.

Roadside Attractions:

– Helpless people get vaporized by alien ray guns
– Stupid humans sit in a ditch and watch an A-bomb being dropped from about 20 feet away
– A storefront church gets blown to bits
– Aliens go crusin’ around town in their fancy new spaceships
– 1 creepy alien door to door salesman
– Extreme square dancing
– 1 alien spy camera
– Spacehips that sound like an electric shaver with a low battery
– Fighter planes get shot out of the sky like clay pigeons

trailers

dripper
Jun

Comments Off on The Dungeonmaster

dungeonmaster

There are very few great films about a man from the real world being “zapped” in to a video game. The Dungeonmaster (aka Ragewar: The Challenges of Excalibrate) ain’t on that list. Heck, it ain’t even in the same time zone.

dungeonmasterWhen a film with a overall run time of about 76 minutes (including credits) starts out with more slow-motion than a season finale of Baywatch, you know yer in trouble. And did I mention Dungeonmaster has seven directors? Well, it has seven directors.

Our hero is computer nerd Paul—the flick starts with his slow-motion dream of waking up in a lab, covered in all kinds of medical scanners and probes. Some may call that a nightmare, but me, I jus’ call that a Tuesday after lunch.

Paul chases a film cliché–I mean a lady in a red dress—through some kind of complex, and ‘bout a minute later, we see her naked. So, I’ll give Dungeonmaster this: they make quick with the boobies. Paul gets ready to do the horizontal mambo with the lady in red, when a bunch of ogres crash the party. Sounds like prom night in Middle-Earth to me. Maybe the ogres were summoned by the lady in red’s One Promise Ring?

With the dream over, Paul, with giant 80s glasses, awakes at his desk. We’re treated to some background about Paul being a super-smart computer programmer as well as his pair of short shorts. No lie. He runs home from work. Or he’s just a show off. Even bet, I guess. If I had his legs, I’d sure as hell show ‘em off—they’d look great over my fireplace. And by fireplace, I mean the crack in the wall of my cell the glowing cockroaches crawl through.

Speaking of computers, Paul has his brain hooked up to his computer—Cal. “She” talks to him, and Paul’s movie screen sized glasses act as computer screens. Computers in you brain? I had a bad enough time with the radio transmitters in my teeth. Never underestimate the value of a good pair of pliers—or spandex. What? Ah, well we’re treated to a scene of Paul’s lady, Gwen, doing aerobics with a gaggle of gals at the gym.

Gwen is jealous of Cal—despite Paul’s wanting to be married. To Gwen. Not the computer. I know, it gets complicated.

And from there, the couple gets zapped into…uh…somewhere, because it don’t look like no computer I’ve ever been in. The evil wizard, Mestema, has taken Paul and Gwen to his realm for, what else, a challenge! Let’s back up though—Mestema is played by TV’s Richard Moll. Y’know, Bull on Night Court? He nails the creepy villain part.

dungeonmasterPaul is forced to survive seven challenges—or “levels” if you prefer. Mestema is really into cosplay, because he’s given Gwen a damsel in distress outfit, and Paul some fancy leather armor, with a wrist version of Cal–which pretty much solves all the riddles and blasts all the baddies.

And there are baddies: angry dwarves, zombies, demons, a stone giant—the list goes on. One high point in a later challenge which features Mestema’s frozen rogues gallery, which includes the likes of Jack the Ripper, the Wolf-Man, the Mummy and Einstein. Yep.

And an even higher point is a level in which Paul faces off against the band W.A.S.P. This follows a scene in which Mestema treats Paul to some Phillip Glass-like torture (which is a Thursday for me). Yes, Blackie Lawless and the boys are playing a gig, and Paul has to save Gwen from the wicked ways.

Double horns, baby.

While it ain’t Tron, The Last Starfighter, or even Tron: Legacy, Dungeonmaster does have its moments. It features some fun old school special effects by Dave Allen (Equinox, The Howling), which makes it worth a watch on its own. Plus, there’s boobs within the first two minutes (and a few more scattered throughout the film). Tiger says, give this one a watch.


Tiger Sixon is forced to watch B-movies from the comfort of a secret government base in Death Valley. He looks nothing at all like Daniel J. Hogan (@danieljhogan) who draws the comic Clattertron.

roadside attractions

  • Angry dwarves
  • Tiny demons
  • Stone giants
  • Blackie Lawless
  • 80s glasses
  • Spandex–lots of spandex
  • Zombies
  • Frozen Einstein
  • Wrist lasers
  • Ladies in Red
  • Bathing beauties
  • Dwarves with guns
  • Car crashes
totals

1

blood

BLOOD

Save for a few zombie decapitations, this flick is pretty light on the blood.

6

blood

BREASTS

We got boobies in the first two minutes. That’s a plus. There are a few more later, but they are under semi-see through clothing.

10

beast

BEASTS

All kinds of beasts here—zombies, demons, giants, Richard Moll. You name it.

6.0 OVERALL
dripper

Check out the trailer for “The Dungeonmaster”

trailers

dripper

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May

posted by Barry Goodall | May 29, 2011 | 80's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Horror movies, Lunchmeat magazine, Slasher

Comments Off on “Hellhole” from Lunchmeat VHS magazine issue#3

We’re proud to present in partnership with Lunchmeat VHS magazine the best archival reviews from from the Lunchmeat magazine series. Josh Schafer give us his take on “Hellhole”, or as we like to call it….20 minutes in Radioshack.

Lunchmeat Magazine VHS

Hellhole – (1985) Arkoff International
Director – Pierre De Moro
Screenwriter – Aaron Butler/Lance Dickson
RCA/Columbia Pictures Home Video (1985)

“Captives…stripped naked, forced to submit to the ultimate experiment!”

Fans of women in prison flicks, you just landed on the right page. This little slice of cinematic sleaze is brimming with tons of gratuitous skin, lesbian sexcapades laced with stolen lab drugs, and of course, an unhinged femme doctor that performs inhuman experiments on disobedient inmates in a dark and dreary boiler room. Now does that sound great or what? Your damn straight it does. And whether it is intentional or not (probably the latter), this film even manages to elicit quite a few laughs with some well placed expletives and some amusing quips from the players.

Judy Landers (B.J. and the Bear, Dr. Alien) plays Susan. A most hapless girl who after witnessing her mother being strangled to death by a killer known simply as “Silk” (played with greasy style by Ray Sharkey), ends up in a sanatorium stricken with a wicked case of amnesia. She has no recollection of the horrid event and is told that she had a nasty fall and is being held at the institution for her safety while her mother is out of town. You see, her mother was hiding some documents that could very well ruin some big shot, so he hired Silk to go in and find them. Since he never got to the damned things, Silk is sent into the asylum posing as an orderly to try and extract the details from Susan and to make sure that when her memory does come back, he is there to intercept any possible trouble that may stem from those pernicious papers. Silk is the man, by the way. He is cool as ice (and apparently smooth as silk!) as he saunters around the halls puffing a smoke, sexing up one of the more ravishing inmates (Edy Williams! Ooo-la-la!), and of course, stirring up a little trouble in the asylum with another orderly by the name of Stevens.

Stevens is that goody-goody type and mainly serves as the guy who is out to ruin all the fun. However, he is on the receiving end of some of Silk’s best one liners and caustic gestures which make him pull his weight. While the plot shambles on, this film freely injects lesbian encounters, patient freak outs and, yes, even a full-frontal shower scene (that culminates in a nude catfight!) to create fodder for the menacing Dr. Fletcher (played by sultry cult favorite Mary Woronov!) as she has her uniformed enforcers drag the insubordinate crazies down to hellhole for her bogus experiments where she jams needles into pretty little necks. Woronov (Death Race 2000, Eating Raoul) is terrific in her role as she adds just enough camp to her character to make it fun to watch without inspiring overwhelming disbelief. It’s also worth mentioning that one can infer that Dr. Fletcher uses the failed experiments to satiate her sexual hang-ups. That doctor really knows how to flex those superiority muscles in the right direction. Trouble comes on the horizon when that cat Stevens (see what I did there?) brings one of his legal buddies in for a surprise inspection. Will the inspectors uncover Dr. Fletcher’s dirty little secret? Honestly, who gives a shit? Bring on more naked crazies!

This film has all the ingredients for a titillating WIP flick mixed with that endearing 80s delivery that makes for one hell of an enjoyable trash gem. Where are these types of films nowadays? Nowhere, I tell you, nowhere! That is exactly what makes them so spectacular. I picked this video up out in California at a second-hand record store for a few dollars. I see it on eBay for about $10 every once in a while, but I am sure it will only continue to go up. Get it while the gettin’s good! The people at RCA/Columbia need to wake up over there. I am beginning to see a dismal pattern with the majority of their video releases. Oh, yeah, I almost forgot: look for Robert Z’Dar as Dr. Fletcher’s lead enforcer. He delivers some of the best lines and definitely has Bruce Campbell beat for most commanding chin in horror!

-Josh Schafer

Lunchmeat Magazine

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