The Lost Highway's B-movie Reviews and Cult Films
Apr

posted by admin | April 3, 2010 | News

Comments Off on Lost Highway gets a Makeover

After much blood, sweat, and tears with most of the emphasis on “blood” we’ve finally launched the new design for Lost Highway. No ribbon cutting ceremonies, no media event or talk show tours, just the knowledge that someone somewhere just opened a can of beer in our honor and for that we say thank ya.

This new website is bigger and bolder and dare we say more “webbier” than ever before with a brand new look. We hope that you’ll get hours of enjoyment from it ….mostly in clicking feveriously on banner ads or buying boxes full of swag from our store. If you do however find yourself hating the new design or having any other negative thoughts, then we suggest you burry those feelings deep deep inside. You don’t want us to make you wear the clown suits again.

Roadside attractions

– Larger new format easier for senior citizens to read, it’s pet friendly and it looks great on an iPad.

– New 3B’s rating system showing our complete disregard for accurate arithmetic.

– A new Highway Hotties section which features b-movie girls, scream queens and other ladies of horror. Start your letter writing now.

– Gratuitous advertising and links to buying crap…because someone has to pay for my new solid gold mercedez.

– The same great snarky reviews you come to expect from us but now with more Ginseng and Riboflavin.

Mar

posted by admin | March 31, 2010 | Uncategorized

Hacked By ./MalingSendal

Mar

Comments Off on The Last Rewind: A Tribute to Video Vault



It seems like every day I hear or read about a company either filing for bankruptcy or closing its doors for good. And to be honest, most of the time I really don’t care, as many of the businesses are just “mass appeal” stores that have been run into the ground by greedy corporations who have long since lost touch with their target market. Well, yesterday I learned about one business closing, a cult video store named “Video Vault” that really hit close to home for all of us here at Lost Highway. Unfortunately, a lot of factors such as limited parking, high rent, moving to a new location, a crappy economy, and the digital download age are to blame for its demise. It really makes me wish that Video Vault could come back from the dead like Jason Voorhees does in those “Friday the 13th” movies, and slaughter the competition. But unfortunately that won’t happen. In our world, this kind of loss is the equivalent of finding out that one of our favorite actors and/or directors has just passed way.

So let me tell you a little bit about Video Vault. This little gem of an independent video store was started by movie aficionado John McCabe in the mid 80’s, when video stores were about as popular as drive-in movie theaters were back in the day. Seeing an independent niche market video store like Video Vault today (2010) in a major metropolitan area would be about as rare as seeing actual music videos playing on MTV. Anyway, it didn’t take long for Mr. McCabe to make a name for himself by specializing in rare, hard-to-find films that he proudly claimed were the worst in town. Now you’re probably scratching your head at the part about having the worst movies in town. But trust me, that claim is very accurate considering he carried bottom of the barrel films like “Plan 9 From Outer Space.” If I had to describe Video Vault to someone who had never heard about the store, I would say that they are the cinematic version of The Museum Of Bad Art (MOBA), and I mean that as the highest compliment. Bad movies were their area of expertise, their little niche in the cutthroat movie rental business. The films that many forgot, or couldn’t care less about, John McCabe cheered and celebrated, along with the legions of loyal patrons. For 25 years Video Vault continued to stay in business against all odds, even though video formats changed from VHS to DVD, the independent video retail market began to go the way of the dinosaurs, and the once eclectic tastes of movie renters unfortunately became more and more mainstream–in other words, watered down–and mind-numbingly generic. And even though I haven’t been to Video Vault for several years now (because I moved out of the area), I still remember my first visit there.

I recall being very impressed, yet at the same time a bit overwhelmed by their large selection of VHS videos that covered a variety of different genres and sub-genres. Their previous location (the one that I’m familiar with) had several rooms filled from wall to wall with thousands upon thousands of videos. It was like I had just gained full access to someone’s prized and personal movie collection. You could’ve easily spent the whole day there going through all of the b-movie gems that they had to offer. And did I mention that the staff was always friendly, very knowledgeable, and ready to offer up their movie recommendations if you were having trouble choosing a movie to rent? The whole atmosphere was just so refreshing and pleasant. Whenever a customer walked through the door they were greeted like an old friend, whether it was their first time stopping by, or if they were one of the “regulars.” To me that personal touch really made an impression, and that’s probably one of the many reasons why they were in business for so many years. And if you couldn’t find a particular film in the mountain of movie titles, chances are owner John McCabe would have been able to track it down for you. Try getting that level of customer dedication and service at Blockbuster, or any other generic corporate movie rental chain.

It’s a real shame that this b-movie Mecca has to close. I just really hope that Video Vault will live on in some form after April 2010, so that the current and new generation of cult film buffs will still be able to meet, talk alternative cinema, and help each other find the next “it’s so bad, it’s good” movie experience. Please be sure to express your support to the wonderful folks over at Video Vault by clicking here and saying hi, or wishing them well in their future endeavors.

Mar

Comments Off on Lifeforce

There’re two certainties in life..death and taxes. And unless there’s itemizing going on in Hell, I suspect death is a bit less time-consuming. Yes, it’s tax season once again so that means it’s time to gather those crumpled receipts from the shoe boxes and try to remember how little money you had before you didn’t have any money. It’s kinda like you’re being forced to give a loan to that crazy uncle that says he needs the cash for groceries, but you know he’s just going to blow it at the race track, always betting on the horse with emphysema. Still you hope you might find a loophole somewhere and get some money back: “Could I actually write-off dog grooming?” “Is beer deductible?” “If I get my wife pregnant, can I claim the kid this year?” These are just some of the questions you might ask, but you can take comfort in knowing your cash will go to good use in the community. It will be invested in deserving projects such as the secret underground testing labs where they train monkeys how to open pickle jars. Large portions will go into technology investments like $12,000 coffee makers for Area 51, or eco-food preservation. Maybe they can finally fill in that big pothole they call the Grand Canyon with some of the money that’s left over. I’m counting my receipts and checking them twice because if the IRS Fairy ever does ever visit me at night, I want her to leave me a nice little tax return, and not pimp slap me and steal my wallet again.

lifeforceSpeaking of life-sucking vampires: Mathilda May may have induced many boys into puberty in the mid 80’s when she gallivanted around as a naked space vampire vixen in “Lifeforce.” A giant evil-looking space thistle is discovered in the tail of Haley’s Comet, and instead of just nuking it and asking questions later, a group of curious, dim-witted astronauts decide to go check it out. While inside they find a bunch of giant dead space bats floating around, and 3 naked people frozen in display cases. Is anyone in the crew mildly concerned for their safety yet? Nope. So they decide it’s an even better idea to haul the aliens back to Earth in their cargo hold.

Months later a rescue shuttle from Great Britain’s bustling space program is sent up to intercept the now adrift shuttle. Much to their horror they discover most of the crew burned beyond extra crispy. An apparent fondue party gone horribly wrong. Fortunately, the space nudists are still well preserved in their see-through tanning booths, and they swiftly get hauled down to London to be studied at a minimum security community college. Suffice to say alien shenanigans occur, as the formerly freeze-dried alien girl wakes up and starts making out with strangers, sucking out their lifeforce like soda through a straw. She then goes streaking through the hallways, distracting everyone with her space melons, only being confronted briefly by a security guard with the lure of a potato chip. No one can resist the fever for the flavor of a Pringles. Once free she goes on a London whirlwind hitchhikers tour of soul suck-i-tude, with her consciousness jumping around between bodies in an attempt to recharge her lifeforce batteries.

Meanwhile back in the lab, her first victim, now shrunk up like a used Capri Sun bag, gets up from the autopsy table and starts attacking the doctors to absorb their soul juice. Tom Carlsen (Steve Railsback), the only survivor of the doomed space crew, suddenly shows up back on Earth in a mercury escape capsule (he must have been stuck in traffic), and he’s debriefed by a NASA British agent, who learned that he has a psychic connection to the female alien. They decide to hypnotize him to learn of her whereabouts, because that’s what NASA does best. His unique powers give Tom a Google Earth street view of license plate #’s, and he soon learns she’s traveling with a poor sheep herder in a Volvo. It’s as if the DMV suddenly became omnipresent.

Lifeforce

Along with a Special Air Service operative and a wormy little doctor named Professor Fallada, they track down the partially possessed people, using them as a sort of compass to her main squeeze, a balding British doctor played by Patrick Stewart. They decide to pimp slap around Captain Picard for a while, and then pump him full of more narcotics than are in Mark Maguire’s butt cheeks, thus trapping the alien’s consciousness in his body. On a flight back to London, the space chick escapes via some nasty nasal discharge, materializing in front of them, and then crop dusting the whole of downtown London with her space vampire electric mojo. Warning: Side effects of vampire mojo may include dizziness, vomiting, and turning into an undead zombie who sucks out human souls.

Your typical zombie plague occurs, putting London in a quarantined war zone, while Caine and Carlsen race to destroy the source, and try to stop the vampire ship that’s attracting souls like flies to a bug zapper. It all leads up to a big showdown in a citadel with naked vampire chick, a Conan sword, and a whole lotta cheap special effects.

Tobe Hooper, after his little stint with “Texas Chainsaw Massacre”, decided to make this sci-fi/horror movie, and it never quite decides if it’s an alien film or zombie film. Maybe it’s just an excuse to have a lady walk around naked for a half hour. Either way it’s a win-win. Retroman Steve says check it out and remember, only store your vampires in official Gladware containers. They help avoid freezer burn and lock in freshness.

roadside attractions

    • Giant space thistles
    • Soul powered light beacons
    • Explodo vampire-zombies
    • Freeze dried space bats
    • Patrick Stewart pimp slappin’
    • Extreme sinus drainage
    • Multiple face suckings
    • Multiple impalements
    • Capri Sun soul bags
    • Death by flare pistol
totals

7

blood
BLOOD

blood fountains through nostrils

8

beast
BEASTS

plenty of zombies and space vampires

9

blood
BREASTS

half the movie is a naked vampire chick

9.7 OVERALL
dripper

Lost Highway is proud to partner with Crackle.com in providing you the ability to watch “Lifeforce” online for Free! Check out the link to launch the website and video.

Mar

posted by admin | March 1, 2010 | B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Contest, Grindhouse, Review by Barry Goodall

Comments Off on Prepare to Get Bitch Slapped.

Lost Highway was helping field some questions at this past weekends live DVD release uStream party for the cast and crew of “Bitch Slap.” In case you missed it, Erin confessed her love for Lost Highway, a mime juggled chainsaws, and then America and Julia got into a vicious cat fight over a gin and tonic. Ok well maybe that’s a bit exaggerated but the cast and crew answered some great questions posed by Q&A master Maria through the Twittersphere and I think everyone had a great time being a part of it. You can see some photos from the event here.

Their fame is now your gain as Lost Highway got the just released uncut DVD and an autographed poster from the starlets to give away to a lucky reader. Simply follow us on twitter and send us your best b-movie survival tip @losthighway and you’re automatically in the running! A twitter user with the best original b-movie tip will be chosen on Saturday March 5th and be sure to check out our list of b-movie survival tips so you can come up with something new. Yeah it’s a challenge I know.

So after reading our review below, go pick yourself up a copy of “Bitch Slap” at your local store today (ask for it by name and see the interesting looks you get.) Oh and be sure to check out the exclusive promo for “Behind Bitch Slap: Buidling a Better B-movie” at the bottom of this review. Thanks to the cast/crew and a big thank you to Kristal Bailey for Letting Lost Highway get Bitch Slapped. It’s still stings but we liked it that way.

Bitch Slap

Ah the bachelor party. That rite of passage for every man who is about to enter the holy bonds and shackles of matrimony. Sure there’s always the next day stories of  couches being set on fire, waking up with a goat drinking beer out of the toilet and of course more strippers that a convention of paint removers. But unless there was some photographic evidence these guys probably didn’t even remember the night before so they most likely were that… just that stories. After all what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas…well maybe except for the syphilis. But with every bachelor party you’re gonna need the perfect bachelor movie. A testerone fueled politically incorrect scantly clad women filled movie of cool. Something that if you wife caught you watching she wouldn’t stop slapping you.

bitch slapSo move over “Roadhouse” “Bitch Slap” is the new perfect bachelor night tradition and all without waking up with a hangover or your wallet stolen. What would be considered a loving throwback to the yesterday of exploitation and grindhouse, this modern day film knows how to play it up campy-style with a sort of wink and nod to it’s audience. When it comes to the 3B’s of B-movieness, “Bitch Slap” pulls out all the punches with a lot of emphasis on the big “B” of Breasts. Wether they’re in slow motion, zoomed in, bloody, cover in dirt, hosed down it’s a definite boobcam of babeliciousness. Throw in some explosions, big guns, and samurai swords and you got yourself a guys perfect wishlist of b-movie gold.

The story revolves around 3 gorgeous girl out cruisin’ in the desert who look as though they’ve just escaped from a Victoria Secrets photo shoot. They’re on a quest to dig up a loot full of diamonds from a has been gangster whom they’ve stuffed in the trunk. Hel (Erin Cummings) is the cool as ice red headed undercover agent who seems to be the lady in charge. Trixie (Julia Voth) is a “angelic” stripper whose crotch glows like a disco ball when she’s doing the nightly grind and Camero (America Olivio) is your resident psycho- pill poppin’ criminal who at any moment might stab you with a rusty screw driver for looking at her cock eyed. Sorta like my ex-girlfriend only a bit more reserved.

Through a series of flashbacks the true identities of the girls and their intentions are revealed just as punk rockers with turrets, and naughty japanese school girls with bladed yo-yos show up for the trailer park party. A lot of time is spent digging and there’s slow mo’ glamour shooting while 3 girls gyrate and shimmy for the camera. My only response to that can be…. “Hell yeah!” and “more please!” Things are not all fun though as a growing mistrust over a secret love triangle is revealed… but hey that’s nothing that another slow mo water fight or trailer romp won’t smooth over. There’s also some plot points involving ancient demon samauri swords, killer viruses stored in lunchboxes and didn’t I see Kevin Sorbo with a bazooka? But hey you gotta rest your eyes sometime from all that cleavage fatigue.

Also keep an eye out for one of the best girl drag down brawls ever to be filmed with Zoe Belle masterly handling choreography of sweet punches, groin kicks, and hair pulling. Girls get kicked, punched, bitten, dragged and body slammed more times than a TV wrestling match so let the feminists flame mail commence.

I think all this film needs is a guest cameo of Xena the warrior princess as a nun…oh wait it’s got that too.

Sure “Bitch Slap” may play a bit like a dear Penthouse letter written by Russ Meyers and mixed in a blender with some Will E. Cyote cartoons but that’s just the perfect recipe for mindless b-movie fun. Rick Jacobson, the director never tries to pretend to make anything different and for that you’ve got to admire the guy.

Retroman Steve says check it out, and be sure to bring some extra dollar bills. There’s no cover charge but it’s got a 2 drink minimum.

roadside attractions

  • Multiple breast shots
  • 2 crotch kills with 1 groin peel out.
  • 1 death by yo-yo
  • Stripper rodeo riding
  • Cleavage cam
  • Water fights
  • Slow mo digging
  • Multiple babe brawls
  • Kevin Sorbo-ing
  • Glowing strippers
  • Turret tantrums
  • Big guns
  • Xena Warrior Nun
  • Vegas gun show spectacular
  • Trailer shagging
  • Exploding car
totals

7

blood
BLOOD

plenty of cat fight scratches

3

beast
BEASTS

Kevin Sorbo

9

blood
BREASTS

isn’t that the point of this movie?

9.4 OVERALL
dripper

“It’s kooterlicious”

About the Highway

Lost Highway is your satirical detour down the twisted back roads of b-movies and cult films reviews. learn more >>