The Lost Highway's B-movie Reviews and Cult Films
Mar

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Dead Heat

“I said I wanted my steak medium rare…not undead.”

Have you ever been to a barbaric little restaurant called Fuddruckers? Sure the name sounds obscene and makes old ladies blush but not nearly as bad as the bakery inside called “Mother Fuddruckers.” I kid you not, that really is name of their bakery! Fuddruckers is noted for it’s delicious and enormous hamburgers. It also has the unique charm of having an actual butcher shop window right as you walk in. Nothing better than seeing those cows getting strung up, diced and sliced before your very own eyes or seeing the looks of horror on little kids faces. Sort of like picking out the lobster at your local seafood restaurant. Except they don’t parade the sad-eyed cow in front of you before they take them in back and to get Fuddrucked. Maybe it’s just my mad cow disease speaking but the burger’s do taste delicious even if I do get a tinge of guilt seeing their surprised friends hanging there in the window. I do have a tender spot in my heart for a tender ribeye.

In the zombie cop-buddy movie “Dead Heat” there’s at least one raging undead bovine who gets it’s revenge. Treat Williams plays Roger “I ain’t dead yet” Mortis…a mundane straight laced cop with some straight laced ties and straight laced hair, the man could double as a leveler. He and his partner Doug played by the always greasy Joe Piscopo cruise around in a old convertible waiting for a crime to occur but only on sunny days. A routine bank robbery takes place around the corner and they’re called in to deliver some much needed Piscopo one-liners and a steady shower of machine gun bullets. It looks like most of the LA police force has shown up for this event driving Krispy Kreme’s stock even lower. The robbers who look like rejects from a local S&M triathlons don’t go down without a fight..in fact they simply don’t drop. Bullets keep riveting their bodies and they keep on firing back that is until Roger has the idea to run them over with a hunk of 80’s Detroit metal. Treat Williams is judge, juror, and executioner. It would have been even better if he said something like “Trick or Treat suckas!”

Later an autopsy reveals that the robbers had been to the morgue before. Morgues don’t often get returning customers..they should get a discount punch card for that or something. Rodger and Doug trace the criminals back to a research facility where they infiltrate a high security door via a credit card lock pick and discover a giant waffle maker that also happens to bring the dead back to life, the ultimate breakfast machine. While attempting to escape they also encounter a giant two faced hell’s angel zombie with a generally mean disposition and super human strength. Mutant two face bikers always make the best security guards since they can see both directions down a hallway. Rodger gets trapped in an industrial strength vacuum sealer which is normally used to euthanize puppies (or old people.)

Rodger gasps his last breath while Doug helplessly bangs on the glass yelling “Nooooooo!!!”…sure he can sneak into a high security facility but can’t open this door? Doug’s brain cells finally begin to fire and he gets the brilliant idea of putting Roger on the waffle-maker to bring him back from the dead. Roger through a series of electro-therapy shock treatments becomes the undead. He seems to be pretty happy, feeling good, and has a great outlook on life…until he learns he will decompose into a pile of goo in less than 48hrs. Way to bring a guy down. So the crime fighting duo decide to try to find out the leaders of this crime ring of the undead and end up at a Chinese butcher shop where it’s all you can eat or all you can run away from screaming. It’s an army of duck heads, flapping fish and sides of beef reanimated as an undead buffet. Where’s the food safety inspectors when you need them? Zombie’s with machine guns also show up for an impromptu zombie pool party later on at a beach house with plenty of snacks and impaling…and since when did zombie’s learn to operate firearms? Oh did I mention everyone in this movie either dies or is already dead? You just don’t see that enough if buddy cop movies. Anyways you know things aren’t going to end well for Roger as he’s decomposing all over the place but is saving up just enough strength to kill Vincent price and the dad from “A Christmas Story.”

This was a fun little 80’s horror/comedy…more emphasis on the comedy side with Pepsico’s constant running one-liners. Somebody please stop pulling his string and put him back in his box. Definitely worth a rental but I’d suggest only eating a light salad though when viewing. And you won’t eat at Chinese buffet for a week.

Keep an eye out for…

– biker mutant zombie freaks
– vacuum sealed Treats
– zombie pool parties
– the Vince Price is Right show
– old rich people club meetings
– liver attack
– zombie duck attack
– zombie beef attack
– giant waffle makers
– extreme Piscopo
– Chinese chandelier Laser Light shows
– melting blondies
– bobbing for gold fish
– zombie NRA members

If I had only 48 hours to live I’d certainly wouldn’t spend it with Joe Pepsico.


rated 7.6 out of 10 for the movie



Check out the trailer for Dead Heat

Mar

posted by admin | March 14, 2008 | 80's movies, B-movie Reviews, Cult films, Cult movies, Horror movies

Comments Off on Critters



“Yeah I smoked…but I didn’t inhale.”

My daughter has recently been asking for a pet hamster. Some people find hamster cute and cuddly. I think they’re furry rodents of evil with beady soul piercing eyes always watching… waiting for their moment to overthrow us. Sure they run endlessly on that wheel like they’re exercising but that’s merely a distraction from their more devious plans of global domination. Just like rats, mice, and ferrets, they were spawned from satan’s little biological test lab (now a research division at Microsoft) and they must be stopped before they take over the planet and convert our Chucky Cheeses into human habitrails. When I saw the movie “Critters” I knew the true origins of these vermin masquerading as pets. Let this movie be a warning to us all. The Critters already live among us.

in Deep space, The “Krites” have escape a prison asteroid and somehow fled their heavily fortified prison cell, hijacked a ship , and plotted a course to the nearest planet. All this with their useless tiny twig arms. When their escape is discovered, glowing silly putty alien bounty hunters are dispatched to go after them by the prison’s warden, a squishy looking alien who looks like he needs a few more reps on the Nordic Track. The bounty hunters watch MTV and late night cable while cruising at a brisk 55mph across the galaxy giving them time to decide who they want to model their faces after. Fake 80’s rock singers always win that contest. What alien wouldn’t want their hair to feather and layer like that? The Krites look for the nearest late night snack planet to escape the bounty hunters which just happens to be Earth (always open 24/7 and plenty of value menu items) and decide to set their ship down near a small farm in Kansas. What is it about rednecks that attract Aliens anyways, it’s like tornadoes to a trailer park. The farm belongs to an super-white family named the Browns who are living the typical farming life. Bailing hay, raising chickens, eating their body weight in corn on the cob, or blowing stuff up with illegal explosives. Young Brad Brown (Scott Grimes) is our red-headed hero who while one night being punished for a crime he didn’t commit witnesses the landing of the Krites ship behind their farm in the forest. Drawn to crashed spaceships like every other country yahoo in every sci-fi movie ever made, he and his dad have to go “check it out” but end up getting scared off by mutilated dead cattle.

When the critters are revealed they look like deranged muppets with slick back hair-do’s and bad dental work. These critters are quick though and can cover some good distance as they role around like turbo charged tumble weeds chomping on every nearby cow they encounter. Eventually they find the Brown’s farmhouse who might as well hang a sign on their door that says Open Buffet. Even Billy Zane and his clip-on pony tail can’t stop these little eating machines. Unfortunately the Critters don’t find Billy Zane very filling and don’t even finish him off…. probably since he’s mostly full of crap. Did I mention I can’t stand that guy? Ever since his low point of playing “The Phantom” in that crappy movie of the same title he continued to strive for even lower depths of acting and super ego-itis. Fortunately Billy’s screen time is short when the critters make a snack pack out of his stomach and then proceed to go after Brad’s older sister. He rescues her by feeding one the critters one of his many homemade explosive. Is this kid on the government terrorist watch list? Well he should be.

The family narrowly escaping takes refuge in their living room (the safest of all rooms in an emergency) and fortify their last stand with mattresses and wicker furniture. An obvious advantage against intelligent razor teethed flesh eating aliens who can shoot poisonous needles.

Meanwhile in what almost feels like an entirely different film by now, the two bounty hunters aliens have commandeered a patrol car and are off partying around town. They stop in at the church…blow some stuff up, stop in at a bowling alley, blow some more stuff up. I think Brad and these guys will have a lot in common. One of the bounty hunters keeps annoyingly shape-shifting his face into everyone he runs into like a bad case of multiple personalities. I think some actors just wanted some more screen time.

The family continues to battle the critters with a shot gun and some broom handles (be sure to give the sibling you like least the old broom handle) so things are looking grim and young Brad decides to make a break for it to find help…or did he just ditch his family? He luckily crosses paths with the alien bounty hunters driving down the road so they all hightail it back to the house and proceed to open a can of whoop-ass on the surprised mutant muppets with some hi-tech alien boom sticks. In the process take out most of the house but Orkin would be proud.

This is one of the definitive sci-fi horror movies from the 80’s and if you haven’t seen it for a while give it another go around. If only too see Billy Zane get what’s coming to him. *shakes fist in air* “Zaaaannneeee….Zaaaaaneee!!!” doing my best impression of captain Kirk from Star Trek 2: Wrath of Kahn.

Keep an eye out for…

– critter toilet plungers
– critter-fu
– Billy Zanified pony tails
– extreme explod-o-bowl
– corn on the cobbing
– mr. potato heads aliens
– mutant projectile porcupines
– pyrotechnic church sermons
– instant extreme home makeovers
– critter vision
– ferrah faucet alien hair

Look for Critter action figures. Now with projectile poisonous darts and amazing kung-fu grip. Pull their string and they’ll say a new curse word. Billy Zane with removable stomach

Critters T-shirts available from Fright Rags

At Fright Rags you can get this high quality horror shirts you can’t find anywhere else. Fright Rags has the best selection of horror shirts based on your favorite cult classics, creature features, and slasher flicks! Check out the Critters T-shirts


Check out the trailer for Critters

Mar

posted by admin | March 8, 2008 | 80's movies, Action, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Sci-Fi

Comments Off on 1990: Bronx Warriors

Bronx Warriors

“Wake-up calls at the Holiday Inn are getting a bit out of control.”

Welcome to the apocalypse! Yes in the way too distant future of 1990. I’ts Bush economics, grunge rock, and the rise of Oprah so it must be the end of civilization. This film was actually made in 1982 but the director pulled a Nostradamus on us predicting the end of the world was only 8 short years from then. I had just started stocking up on canned goods when Roseanne Bar sang the national anthem that year so I was already ahead of the curve. In this “future” the Bronx have become so crime ridden and corrupt that the mayor of New York just seals it off and let’s anarchy reign, sort of like Jersey except with Hell’s Angels and knife fights. Stefania Girolami, plays Ann, a ditzy blonde on the run from the safe city streets, who heads over to the Bronx via an un-guarded bridge. Border security’s still a problem in “THE FUTURE!”

Her greeting party is a gang of hockey rejects donning roller skates and shoulder pads. Instead of laughing uncontrollably she actually tries to escape them, most likely in fear of catching a case of their hockey hair. Yah it’s a Canadian disease that manifests itself in the form of mullets and a thirst for maple syrup ya hoser. The hockey league is broken up though when a gang called the “riders” who supposedly run the city show up just in time on their crappy Japanese motorcycles complete with skull night-lights and scare away the canucks. “Trash” is their fearless dim-witted leader, a muscle with feet played by Mark Gregory. His painful attempts at acting are like watching someone pass a gal stone, tedious and uncomfortable. We also get amazing quotes from Trash like “We are born dead” or “you bastards!” That pretty much sums up 90% of his dialog along with random empty stares into space or constant looks of being perplexed. You’ll also notice how he can’t walk and talk at the same time which probably due his permanent ultra-wedgie fitting jeans. The leaders of the Manhattan Corporation back in the city wants to get Ann back as she’s the heiress to the company fortune so they attempt to send in a over-the-hill undercover cop disguised as a postal worker who refers to himself as “the Hammer.” His mission is to infiltrate the gang, get her out , and destroy as many innocent bystanders as possible. Where’s Kurt Russel when you need him?

Along with that problem the Riders also have to deal with a rival gang called the the Tigers (yet another dull gang name) who are also trying to take over the Bronx. They’re a fashion challenged group in their 70’s influenced pimp suits driving around in their 1930’s street rods. It’s always the “bro’s before ho’s.” It seems that the Tigers killed one of the Riders by impaling him on a riverside dock in a late night scuffle because he was carrying a “gizmo.” What does the gizmo do? I don’t know or really care but there is a cool drum solo and a long stand-off by the river where everyone tries to out-stare each other, a skill Trash has excelled at. Nothing is worth fighting gangs of hockey players, off broadway rejects, and a strange gang of gay tap dancers.

It’s like West side story all over again when “Trash” and his cohorts “Hot Dog”, “Trash”, “Ice”, and other household-object named gangsters start to pick fights. Trash enlists the help of the king of the Bronx, the great Ogre but when Trash says it in his bad New York accent it sorta sound like “Yogurt.”

“I need to find Yogurt!” “Yogurt can help us!” yes it can with fewer calories and a fruit rich taste.

Yogurt, I mean Ogre, is obviously the king of all the pimps with  his zebra animal hides draped over roman columns adorning his luxurious outdoor Coleman tents. A headquarters where his followers hang out and figure out their next big raid or discuss decoration tips on fengshui. He is accompanied by “Witch” (Betty Dessy) a dominatrix who uses her handy whip to grab bad guys by the neck or stabs them with some stainless steel finger knives (they should have known the safety word.)

A big battle royal occurs between the gangs and the city police who infiltrate their hideout from a tips provided to them by a double-agent. The cops arrive on horseback using the most logical weapon of choice, a flame flower and proceed to light up gangsters like camping smores. The attack is lead by the Hammer (I said you can’t touch this!) and they all start torching every pimp and Hell’s Angel in sight. The hilarity at the fight choreography is something to see, sort of like a bad high school play version of a kung-fu film. There’s some double crossing and foot stabbing but none of it really matters to this cheese wax thin plotline. What really makes this move fun is the great English dubbed Italian dialog.

“Where you come from?” “I came her purposely”

“This whole operations is hush hush”

“You’ve been using your whip again?” “Yeah just like you taught me.”

“Your playing with fire” “I know and I love it…I love it!”

Wow! Shakespeare would be proud. So give it a try, it’s definitely worth a rental but always remember to throw the burial ashes down-wind.

Keep an eye out for…

– pimp-ka-bob’s
– burial ash tossing
– Hammer harpooning
– glowing skull night lights
– hockey gymborees
– tap dancing gangs
– postal workers going postal
– drummer auditions next to impaled dead guys
– Lee press-on knives
– Amazing Ginsu work-boots
– Zebra skin outdoor decoration
– extreme chest vests
– flame throwing equestrians

You know your mama loves you when she names you “Trash”


rated 7.5 out of 10 for the movie



Check out the opening credit sequence for 1990: The Bronx Warriors

Feb

posted by admin | February 27, 2008 | 80's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Horror movies, Uncategorized

Comments Off on He Knows You’re Alone (a.k.a Blood Wedding)

He Knows You’re Alone

“When being stalked by a psychopath, it’s always good etiquette to neatly organize your stabbing knives.”

Remember chest stabbers always go to the left of the salad fork.”

If you’re as old as me… and I know I am then you may have seen a creepy little TV show back the 1980’s called “Bossom Buddies.” It’s where two guys disguise themselves as women to live in the one apartment they can afford. That is until one stormy night when Tom Hanks while listening to the voice of his dead mother stabs Janet Leigh in the hotel shower and…. oh wait that was another cross dresser. Anyways little did people realize that the curly haired nice guy actor would later on become a super mega Oscar winner and the voice to a computer animated cowboy. I have better memories of his earlier rolls in great 80’s hits like The Money Pit, Splash, Dragnet, and who can forget him in the required movie for every early-pubescent boy’s VCR, “Bachelor Party.” Now that was Academy worthy material.

What truly started him on path to stardom was his first acting role in a slasher film called “He Knows You’re Alone” or as I refer to it “He Knows he’s David Copperfield” because the killer, Ray Carlton, has an amazing skill of appearing and disappearing whenever he wants and even is accompanied by his own Halloween inspired theme music. Amy is our virginal hero and she’s is on a mission to get married to Phil, a dull man who wears a suit. Amy appears doped up on goof pills most of the time and is not totally convinced that Phil is her one true love. Soon she’s secretly stalked by not only a killer who hates the Billy Idol song “white wedding” but her ex-boyfriend Marvin the marvelous Mortician who wants to marry her instead of Phil. Anyone remember the guy who played Marvin? Yup that’s Don Scardino the pasty white boy from the killer worm movie “Squirm” as seen on Mystery Science Theater 3000 (watch online here). What Marvin lacks in looks and charm he makes up for in hair thickness. His appeal to Amy is anyone’s guess. Perhaps it’s his alien-like feathered hair that seems to defy the laws of physics or his pressed stain resistant shirts that protect his translucent white skin from the harmful rays of the sun.

In any case the killer has a chip on his shoulder since he too was previously dumped but instead of annoying his ex-girlfriend like Marvin does, he stabbed her on her wedding day (he should have just bought them a toaster for a wedding gift like everyone else.) So now he’s out to murder every other soon-to-be-bride he can find. The groom at the time of the wedding murder was a rookie cop and is now on a manhunt to find Ray and bring him to justice just as soon as he’s done drinking and having emotional outbursts. The killer magic elf ninja quickly appears and takes out all Amy’s dimwitted friends and even her cigar smoking tailor. But don’t tailor’s deserve a beating anyways…I mean with all their adjusting, measuring, and hem pinning (see now I’ll get hate email from tailors.)
Thrown into the mix is the short cameo by Tom Hanks as a jogger and rookie philosopher who mainly showcases his 80’s hair-fro and fluffy big coat for some brief on screen time. Can you already sense his Oscar worthiness? There’s also the teacher from The Breakfast Club who plays another moody cop only minus Molly Ringwald and Emileo Estevez so he’s even more boring than usual. Man that guy just needs to not talk and he might land some better roles.

One thing that struck me odd was Amy’s friends behavior. I’m not sure if they were drunk or on some sort of medication because they acted strangely obnoxious throughout the film and always inappropriate to the situation. Hard to feel much sympathy for them as they practically dive onto the knives of the killer. Amy finally discovers her friend has been feeding the fish with her entire skull and is chased by Killer-Ray into the morgue where it just happens that Marvin works the night shift. The cop who has been 5 steps behind them through the whole film also finally catches up and confronts the killer. This is all leading up to a sort of weird interpretive open ending (hey anybody remember to actually arrest the murderer in the basement? anyone? think someone should go check that out? anyone?? no? okay then…let’s move on.)

While not really a good slasher film, the characters are entertaining in their strange pod-people like behavior and there’s a few good gotch-ya moments with a car chase. I’d say check it out if you’ve got nothing better already sitting in the old VCR… hey what year is it anyways?

So grab some popcorn and don’t forget to feed the fish.

Keep an eye out for…

– thinly padded theater seating
– head shaped aquarium figurines
– teachers from the breakfast club
– Tom Hanks jogger tripping
– death by stereo
– student morticians with 2×4’s
– bi-polar cops
– extreme hair feathering
– car-roof carpooling
– Halloween soundtrack ripoffs

Tom Hanks anxiously awaits reprising his oscar worthy role in Turner and Hooch 2: Electric Booga-drool.

rated 7.1 out of 10 for the movie



Check out the trailer for He Knows You’re Alone

Feb

posted by admin | February 18, 2008 | 70's movies, Action, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Grindhouse

Comments Off on Coffy

coffy

The original Big Bird was actually a struggling pimp living on Sesame Street in Harlem

Pam Grier plays Flower Child Coffin “Coffy”, a hospital nurse with a hippie name and a vengeful spirit which doesn’t really lend herself to a profession in bedside care. Her little sister got hooked on heroin and is a kids detox so she goes on a mission to find the dealers and anyone remotely related to the drug bosses that got her sister hooked. Blowing holes through drug dealers heads, junkies, shooting Italians in swimming pools, and stabbing goattee bodyguards in the neck. It’s all in nights work for a nurse. I think Coffy needs to ease up on the caffeine before she takes out a bus of nuns with a bazooka.

Meanwhile a cop friend of hers named Carter Brown decides not to go the corrupt route like the rest of the police force who has made a deal with mafia and drugs dealers. This results in him getting beaten like a piece of ground beef in his apartment by some masked henchman while Coffy is over visiting. Didn’t he watch Godfather? The mob doesn’t kindly to non-team players.

Coffy also has her own sugar daddy, Howard “the shrapnel tummy” Brunswick, a congressmen on the take along with the police force (eesh do they all get some sort of mobster group discount?) He’s been working back street deals to get a big cut of the drug profits and gain more control of the city. Coffy who is still on the trail of the drug dealers dresses up as a prostitute from Jamaica to try to get employed by a local big league Pimp who calls himself King George. His dressing attire makes no doubt of his occupation as any low flying planes in a dense fog could spot his bright yellow jump leisure suit for a safe landing. It’s sort of a super pimp outfit. Coffy easily passes the job interview using her “assets” and “references” and later that night switches out George’s heroin supply with some powdered sugar (in case George needs to make some laffy taffy.) Upon returning to a mobster dinner party where all the big league dealers are schmoozing she starts a cat fight with some of the other hookers. It’s all broken bottles, torn dresses, tossed salads, and stained cocktail gowns. She does some sweet kung-fu moves and ultimate fighting pile drivers on her hooker co-workers and even hides a straight razor in her afro causing some nasty paper cuts. An Italian Mobster named Petroni enjoys the super hooker smack down and wants Coffy to come over later to play hide the salami at his apartment. Coffy attempts to take him out via a stuffed animal with a .44 magnum in it but is caught by Petroni’s goons just before she can pop him right between the pepperonis.

When interrogated via some vicious indian burns she rats out that King George actually sent her as a hooker hit girl (everyone always blames the pimp). This results in King George getting forced into some imprompto speed boat rafting. Well excepts there’s no boat or raft, and he’s tied behind a car by his neck. Not a very popular outdoor sporting activity. There’s more double crossing, double barrel shoguns, and double D’s than you can count in this film.

After seeing Pam Grier in the film Jackie Brown, I knew she was one bad ass foxy mama (look out I’m breaking out my jive talk) So I was looking forward to seeing what is hailed as one of her best films. I definitely agree it’s a great grindhouse film filled with plenty of sex, violence and leisure suits. And doesn’t that pretty much sum up the 70’s? So definitely check it out. I ain’t talkin’ no jive turkey so can you dig my rap? My mama didn’t raise no fool….ugh.. sorry I can’t help myself.

Keep an eye out for…

– banana suit pimps
– sugar daddy politicians
– stuffed lions packing heat
– razor blade hair clips
– mobster bodyguards dressed as gay pirates
– extreme pimp dragging
– roadside neck stabbing
– bad Jamaican accents
– diner party cat fights
– hooker shotguns
– salad bowl body slams
– sugar shoot-ups
– lounge dinner strippers

Coffy is in no way endorsed by Juan Valdez or any of the coffee union members


rated 8.4 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for Coffy

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