The Lost Highway's B-movie Reviews and Cult Films

posted by admin | February 9, 2008 | 80's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Horror movies

Comments Off on Zombie 4: After Death


Zombie 4: After Death

“I just don’t know if I have enough pockets to stop them all, but I’ll try!”

Oh Italian zombie film makers how I loath thee. Zombie 4 “Oletre la morte” which I believe is Italian for “warning this movie may cause you to poke your eyeballs out” or “I put too much garlic in this meat sauce” is your typical Italian horror zombie film. Loads of gore and absolutely no resemblance of a plot broken up by moments of poorly dubbed dialog. It’s a sort of Madlibs of movie making. “(name) please don’t touch the zombie. It will turn your (body part) (favorite color)”

From what I could tell a group of scientists that believe there’s a cure for death setup camp on a Caribbean island (where all the anti-death people go for vacation.) A local witch doctor’s daughter dies from some unnamed cancer and so he opens the door to hell for vengeance on the scientists. Usually Hell is only open weekends and fridays. Then his wife who has a strong resemblance to an early 80’s Whitney Houston has some sort of epileptic dancing seizure and turns a major PMSing she-demon with bad dental work. She wipes out the whole island, a lot of whom are packin’ heat but have slower reflexes than a senior citizens at a dodge ball game. Most of them getting easily wiped out except for a little blonde girl, Jenny, who somehow escapes just as her parents get munched on. Those toddler survival classes really did pay off. Then we leap forward 20 years and she’s all grown up and heading back to the same island on a speed boat with her own A-team wanna-be mercenaries! uh…why? who knows.

Cut yet to another scene (head spinning yet?) and a whole other group of scientist lead by some corporate adventurer extremist are cave exploring and stumble upon a book of the dead. Like most typical guys reading appliance instructions he reads them out loud and doesn’t really pay attention to what it says unwittingly unleashing the walking dead. Just a warning out to all us guys If you find a book of the dead on an abandoned island in a evil cave…don’t read it out loud or your stomach might end up as a snack pack.

The mercenary group holds up in a poorly constructed hospital as zombified islanders start to surround them. You know as soon as you see a zombie it might be a good idea to just get back on the boat and go home, but this brain trust decides the ramshackled hospital with it’s open windows and doors would make a much more fortified last stand. At least the hospital had the standard issue emergency kit and crates of machine guns and hand grenades. Now that’s a way to unionize a nursing staff.

Well I thought I had seen the worse of the worse and this definitely ranks up towards the top. The dialog reminded me a bit of “Demons” …another Italian horror film I reviewed a while back. The difference is that was a fun campy horror film and this is more along the lines of waterboard interrogation. So watch with caution and only tell them your rank and serial number.

Keep an eye out for…

– a lady with her eye out
– G.I. Joe zombies
– gratuitous use of candles
– face gouging
– shoulder chomping
– stomach ripping
– demon dental work
– zombie islander skeet shooting
– beam balancing
– ill-timed romantic moments
– leisure boating

The Mario Brothers movie was scarier than this, and by far more Italian.

rated 3.1 out of 10 for the movie

Check out this well acted scene from Zombie 4


posted by admin | February 4, 2008 | 80's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Horror movies, Uncategorized

Comments Off on The Funhouse


“You know what this room needs? An evil clown statue. Oh wait…

The town carnival was always a place of fascination for me. A sort of mobile caravan of weirdness. The row of games where you can loose your teenage life’s savings while trying to win a $3 stuffed Tweety bird for your girlfriend. The buckets of assorted fried meats you can gorge yourself on before they have to jump start your heart, and then there’s the unsavory combination of smells around every turn. When you put an assortment of porta-potties, open garbage cans and a few hundred tons of corn dogs a few feet from each other you’re bound to create some sort of toxic sludge. That might explains how they keep those creepy carny workers alive, a netherworld chemical of food by-products thereby reanimating their lifeless corpses for another day of work much like office coffee. I’d also question some of the rides safety testings. Ever notice the small single rusty bolt that holds your creeky cart precariously to the metal octopus arm?…at any moment snapping and sending you into the parking lot like a homemade turkey catapult? Well now you will…and you’re welcome. Fortunately most people make it out alive in the face of these carnival dangers.

In the horror film “the funhouse” some carnival patrons aren’t so lucky. Amy our lead virginal hero is going out with her friends to check out the arrival of the carnival. We know she’ll survive because she’s a virgin and as we all know they can create forcefields around them from evil (or drunk frat guys whichever they encounter first.) After a Halloween inspired shower-scene attack by her perverted little brother she decides sideshow freaks would be a welcome change of pace. They check out the mutant cattle show, get mild whiplash on the bumper cars and visit a fortune teller who freelances as a hooker. Will the fun ever stop? They even stop at a girlie strip show tent hoping to get a sneak peek. I don’t recall seeing that particular attraction at my local town fair when I was a teenager. The closest to that was the 4H melon contest next to the farm animal petting cage. It sure would have increased tickets sales though.

Amy seems to be mysteriously drawn to a creepy funhouse at the outskirts of the carnival and her friends decide it would be a great idea to actually stay the night inside. The funhouse is a massive structure with a winding track of riding carts that tour through a variety of creepy displays and animatronic weirdness within it. There’s also a creepy robotic fat lady who sits on top of the building laughing mockingly at any bulimic teen that walks by.

Once inside, the teenagers ditch the carts and frolic in some poorly made evil forests that seemed to be constructed by the same people that build cheap floats for town parades. Things go from bad to worse when they inadvertently witness the killing of the fortune teller hooker (fortune-hooker!) who just gave a quickie to some guy dressed as Frankenstein. Frank didn’t feel he got his money worth so he kills her instead. Business transactions never go well between mutant beasts and gypsy hookers, but she really should have predicted that.

The kids are soon discovered and Frank who actually turns out to be some sort of real life freak mutant is stalking them along with his equally crazy dad. With only 4 teenagers total, the body count isn’t going to get too high but mutant Frank is all about quality kills not quantity. There’s surprise lynchings, axes to the head, impalements, trapdoors, air duct maulings, and some torso/gear grinding action. All this making up for a great popcorn b-movie but I’d have to say that the main star of this movie really has to be the funhouse itself. It’s creepy, icky and filled with the stuff of nightmares and yet consistently out-acts the actual cast members. I say give this one a spin in your DVD player and save an elephant ear for me.

Keep an eye out for…

– little brother perverts
– carnival bag ladies
– gypsy hookers
– carney choking
– mutant cattle shows gawking
– rope a nerd lynchings
– accidental sword impalements
– freak carney grinders

funhouses, carnies, and a live performance of the Oak ridge boys? Stop the horror!

rated 9.1 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for the Funhouse


posted by admin | January 24, 2008 | 70's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Cult Film, Horror movies

Comments Off on Count Yorga, Vampire


“A battle with a clogged ketchup bottle ends tragically.

I finally got a chance to test out the new movie rental feature in Apple’s iTunes with a not so quick download of the 1970’s vampire flick Count Yorga, Vampire. So right off the bat you immediately know whose the vampire, though I half expected Yorga to be a small green midget from the Dagobah planet. The Bulgarian Count Yorga played by Roger Perry is hanging out with some yuppies at a séance party to contact the dead mother of a frazzle nerved gal named Donna played by Donna Anders. Most of the guests had a bit too much peppermint schnapps and end up cracking jokes or in Donna’s case blood curdling screams. So the count hypnotizes her to calm her down and happens to slip in a subliminal command of doing whatever he says. An American vampire would be like “bring me a beer….turn on the football game”

A couple there, Paul and Erica, decide the party has really lost it’s steam (nothing brings down a party like a failed séance) and decide it’s time leave. Erica seems to think old Bulgarian guys are attractive and offers Yorga a lift home. Paul wants to puts the kibosh on that idea but Erica seems to wear the pants in that relationship and insists on it. So they take the count back to his creepy mansion completed with a demon hellhound and Torgo-like groundskeeper. After leaving they get stranded in some sort of flash thunderstorm trapping their Scooby Doo mystery van in a puddle of mud. Paul uses this seemingly desperate moment of survival for his own shagging needs with his girlfriend. After a night of van rocking and candle burning, Erica and Paul fall asleep. Their love making seemed to peek the interest of the noisiest cricket and frogs in the swamp just as the creepy Yorga attacks. He knocks out Paul who is on a pee break and attacks Erica for a quick midnight snack. A little known medical fact that when a guy is hit on the head while peeing it causes temporary amnesia hence why Paul can’t remember a thing of the attack the very next day.

Erica starts going all grey skinned and continues to lose blood as well as personality until she’s rushed to the doctor. Dr. Hayes prognosis is to get lots of rest and eat lots of steak as raw as possible. Yes it’s the 70’s…so eat steak, smoke and drive with no seat belts. Erica skips the steak and goes right for the pet cat instead just and Dr Hayes and Paul arrive home. Dr. Hayes as a man of science and reason makes the immediate leap she was bitten by a vampire. Can’t say I’d want a doctor who makes snap paranormal diagnostics. “That head cold you have…yeah that’s a demon trying to escape from your skull…we’re going to have to drill!”

Erica is kidnapped by Yorga to join his harem and get all the club benefits like sleeping in the basement on cold stone slabs and eating sewer rats. You can see why the ladies love the Yorga. So Paul and Dr. Hayes make a hap-hazzard plan to invade the castle at mid-day. They hit the snooze button a few too many times from their nap though and end up getting a late start to battle the undead. With no real combat skills and poorly constructed weapons of broom stakes, broken furniture and duct taped crucifixes things probably won’t go well for these Van Helsing wanna-be’s. But you’ll have to check it out yourself. A good b-movie that reminds me of vintage hammer horror films., a sort of modern take on vintage dracula. I say rent it but wear a turtle neck.

Keep an eye out for…

– vampire McLovin’
– séance shenanigans
– kitty snacks
– if the van’s a rockin’…yorga’s a knockin’
– vampires on a stick
– smoking jackets of the undead
– handyman backbreakers
– Bulgarian Bordellos

Vampires truly suck.

rated 7.5 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for Count Yorga, Vampire


Comments Off on Race with the Devil

Race with the Devil

“Bring it On!

With the onset of a cold winter we’ve had a few indoor events at the local sporting arena. Usually there’s such exciting events as insurance agency seminars, the occasional gun and knife show and the ever popular women’s expo, an exploration in the dark art of potpourri and decoupage. Recently I was fortunate enough to check out the BIG RV and camper show there. It’s an extravaganza of gas guzzling houses on wheels. You could move a Chinese family of 8 into one of those giant display campers and have them live there quite comfortably. Heck those RV’s have everything I could ever need. When tours would come through I’d just be like “Hey I’m trying to take a shower here! Can I have some privacy please?” Only in America would we be lazy enough to want to drive a whole house across the country. “You know I don’t really want to leave my couch…if only there was a way I could take my living room, kitchen, and bathroom with me. Then I could go see the largest ball of twine!” and so RV’s were born.

In “Race with the Devil” the central star is also a giant gas guzzling camper. It’s a bit older and the interior is encased with shag carpet and wood grain paneling, enough to make your eyes water, but it can still hold it’s own against the onslaught of hippie devil worshipers. A “race” with belezabub is not really a race as much as it is a competitively fast paced walk with occasional rest stops for snacks & ammo and the refreshing dip in the public pool. The racing RV belongs to Frank Stewart, a greasy little elf who is partners with a motocross star wanna-be, Roger Marsh, played by the always groovified Peter Fonda. They plan to take a vacation to Colorado for some rest and relaxation with their fragile nerved girlfriends and practice up on some their combined drinking and motorcrossing skills. During a night of drunken debauchery and fondue they inadvertently notice some hippie tree huggers (in this case tree burners) having a party in a nearby field. What at first appears to just be a bad local outdoor theater production turns into a human sacrifice ceremony. You usually have to pay extra for that.

Figuring these are no renaissance festival actor rejects, Roger and company pack up the Fonda fondue and high tail it outta there just as the satanic fanboys attack their RV. Narrowly escaping that devil’s tailgate party with only a few broken windows and taillights, they go to the police to report the incident. The cops and sheriff having all the competence of the police force from the Dukes of Hazzard pretty much shrug of the incident as a kids prank but the vacationers decide to take their suspicions to the nearest big city instead. Of course mentioning your secret plans out loud is never a good idea and satanists are notorious for having a keen sense of hearing.

What started out as a nice vacation ends up being a desperate cat and mouse game across the state highways. Campsites turn out to be satanic playgrounds with creepy old people in bath robes who lynch dogs and put rattle snakes in your camper. Evil construction workers cause traffic jams and create detours of doom, and roadhouse bars are revealed to be pagan hangouts where Satan spins his evil tunes through the wailing noise of country music. Oh wait, I guess they pretty much already do that.

It all leads to a great road rage chase scene complete with Peter Fonda riding shotgun (literally) and throwing taquilla bombs at their truck driving pursuers. Fortunately redneck satanists are also bad drivers and the vacationers stocked up lots of booze for their trip. Who said there aren’t benefits to alcoholism?

Definitely a fun little action/horror b-movie for fans of Peter Fonda and even more so for fans of RV’s. So I say check it out and always remember to check your tire pressure, adjust your mirrors, and check all your camper’s cupboards for any stowaway rattlesnakes before your trip. There are old people everywhere and they’re watching you.

Keep an eye out for…

– Devil worshipping BBQ’s
– Extreme off roading RV’s
– Redneck roadhouse of the Damned
– Construction workers of the Damned
– Country music of the Damned
– Snake wranglin’
– Dog lynchings
– Pagan pool parties
– Cult book kleptomania

Do you think Peter Fonda drives a Honda? Then he can just say things like “Hey everyone, wanna drive the Fonda Honda?”

rated 8.3 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for Race with the Devil


posted by admin | January 9, 2008 | 70's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Horror movies

Comments Off on Kingdom of the Spiders

Kingdom of the Spiders

“Hey baby Did I mention my other car is a Federation Starship?

William “Tighten my Girdle” Shatner plays Dr. Robert Hansen, probably the last cowboy/veterinarian left in the state of Texas that makes house calls and can still hold his liquor. A local farmer’s prized cows are ending up dead but not by the hand of the local diner’s butcher, so Robert and a convertible driving blond entomologist decide to investigate. They soon suspect the bovine murders maybe due to an evil large insect that drains the blood of it’s victims and burrows itself underground….and no it’s not Dick Cheney. Robert decides to put the moves on the entomologist with his own brand of Shatner shag and for some reason she falls for his cheesy come-on lines all this leading to a lame side story of a love triangle. But what we really want is more spider carnage!

Their suspicions of a mutant spider invasion are confirmed when they find a big nest of tarantulas partying near the farmhouse. Nothing brings down realestate values like swarms of killer spiders and over-acting starship captains for neighbors. So they have themselves a little spider BBQ beach party and toast spider hill. If William Shatner would have just sang some of his old tunes from one of his albums he may have inflicted some substantial spider casualties. The bomb-fire only ticks off the mutant spider army and like an Orkin man’s worse nightmare the spiders decided to overtake the town. There’s town riots, cacooned rednecks, plane crashes, and old men complaining about the weather along with some spider smashing that’s sure to make PETA fanboys cry. Not being a fan of spiders myself I enjoyed whenever any of those critters got mangled, burned, or smashed. It also makes an excellent drinking game. For every spider smashed you take a shot.

Robert or “Rack” as his non-arachnid friends like to call him, trucks over to his sister-in-law’s house to try to rescue her and her daughter but he arrives a bit too late. Apparently the spiders performed a mid field tackle on the sister-in-law when she was running back to the house. Luckily the young girl has superior survival skills and climbed on a table. I never could figure how some slow moving spiders can take down any running human unless they have a 5ft vertical leap. Interesting little fact is the director paid $10 per spider for use on this film, so I’m sure mother’s across the country were more than happy to lend their kid’s pet tarantula for a brief moment of fame. The potential for it to die a horrible death at the heels of captain James T. Kirk is truly an honor.

“Rack Attack” wrangles up some of the survivors and tries to hold up in a cabin resort barricading the doors and windows. Spiders are notorious for breaking down doors. They put the little girl in a cool dark secluded room for a nap (because that’s always a safe place during an spider invasion) but soon discover the spiders are crashing their party via the chimney and air ducts. Didn’t anybody have duct tape in the 1970’s?

This was one of the better spider invasion movies I’ve seen in recent years (not that there’s been that many) and a superior film to the most recent Spielbergerized “Arachnophobia.” You also gotta love the downbeat ending…even if you can see the brush strokes. So I say put down your tricorder and check out Kingdom of the Spiders.

Keep an eye out for…

– sister-in-law wrangling
– extreme cow tipping
– kamikaze crop dusting
– dirt torching BBQ’s
– Kirk-tastics gymnastics
– spider induced tap dancing
– cocooned rednecks snackpacks
– water tower cop crushing
– matte painting apocalypse
– a bad case of bed bugs

“Shatner was viciously bludgeoned while filming when his toupee was mistaken for a renegade tarantula.”

rated 9.3 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for Kingdom of the Spiders

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